Defending
by David Dee
Summary: Set in DB Sommer's "Avenging" universe. The world's strangest sort-of team of kind of superheroes is not really gathered, under the quasi- leadership of Dr. Strange aka Hikaru Gosunkugi . With so many parentheses, it has to be good!
1. Strange Days, Indeed

The first event happened in 1939. A German U-Boat exploded en route, killing the entire crew. A later investigation recovered their bodies—as well as five more bodies that resisted all efforts at identification. The examining doctor's autopsy of the bodies was sent to German High Command, which quickly fired him on grounds of incompetence, and destroyed the report.

Later rumors had it that the Germans had performed mysterious bombings in the middle of the Atlantic, though these were highly denied. After the war, a series of secret documents suggested that they had, though the object of these bombings remained unfathomable.

-----

The second event happened in 1963, when a car in New York crashed, killing its driver instantly. As opposed to the first event, (which would have a book written about it) there was very little mystery and about as little interest in this event. The driver had been a prominent neurosurgeon, and thus ranked a sizable obituary, but he wasn't a well-liked man, and very few people came to his funeral.

-----

The third event actually happened before the first and second, if you want to get technical, since it happened before the start of what some people might call time. Because of this, almost nobody who would actually live in what people generally refer to as the universe noticed that it happened. Also because of it, it is nearly impossible to describe. Suffice to say, things were discussed, a decision was made, and this decision had fascinating ramifications on the universe at large, which resulted in there being a lot more planets, and a few more civilizations. At least, for a little while, anyway.

-----

In his throne room at the Center of Time, Kang the Conqueror frowned. He'd hoped that after his first alteration, the universe would have stabilized. But no. Instead alterations were whipping up and down the timeline, shifting things in a manner even he was finding hard to predict. This was not how it was supposed to be. Each change added more variables, more uncertainties—more threats to his plans. The tiny part of Kang's mind that could be called sane was almost frightened. But it was too late to go back now. Indeed, such an attempt on his part might damage his own existence beyond repair. Already, he felt another timeline shift.

And the world changed, once again…

-----

Defending

Chapter 1—"Strange Days Indeed"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

By David Dee

-----

Hikaru Gosunkugi was having a bad day.

Mind you, for Hikaru Gosunkugi almost any given day was bad. This was because Hikaru was one of those unfortunate young men who seem to be born with no luck, and whose pathetic existences pass them by leaving them with nothing better to show for it then the national award for self-esteem, and third place in the local spelling bee. Life had given Hikaru no real advantages. He was smart—but not that smart. He had the build of the boy in the Charles Atlas ads, who gets sand kicked in his face and humiliated in front of his girl, before Charles Atlas made him a real man. Not that Hikaru could even get a girl, mind you. Not with his complexion, which made him look like he had just risen from the dead, and was considering going back on that choice.

No, most of Hikaru's days were bad ones, but some reached greater depths of suffering than others. You see most days, people did Hikaru the great favor of ignoring him. As opposed to today, when four young toughs were explaining to him why they were offended by his having the audacity to walk on the sidewalk through their neighborhood. 

"And take that! And that, you freak!"

The reason for this reception was, apparently, that they thought that Hikaru had looked at one of their girlfriends in a manner they thought was inappropriate, or possibly, because they thought he was a homosexual. Hikaru wasn't sure which it was, and he had his doubts they really cared.

It was as their boot heels were colliding with his ribcage that he heard the voice. The horrible, horrible voice. "Let him go, punks."

The so-designated punks immediately stopped the important business of beating Gosunkugi to a bloody pulp to stare in terror at the owner of the voice.

"Oh shit!" muttered one. "It's Nabiki Tendou!"

A pathetic whimper issued from Hikaru. Everyone else present assumed it resulted from his injuries and so didn't pay it much mind. And they were all wrong, except in the most metaphysical of senses.

The biggest, surliest, stupidest member of the gang (who was, by these virtues, the leader) immediately spat on the ground. "I heard a you, Tendou. Everyone says yer tough, but it sounds like bull ta me…"

Nabiki gave a very calm smile that was as thin as a knife's edge, and about as unpleasant. "Care to try your luck, then?" she stated, cracking her knuckles.

The leader immediately rushed forward. "Come on, guys! It's just one girl!" His friends seemed to be on the verge of following him when Nabiki's knee collided with his stomach. This was followed by her right fist crashing into his nose, her left fist socking his jaw, and her right foot stomping on his toes. 

As their leader collapsed, the other punks ran off. Hikaru watched them go as he lifted himself off the ground, then turned to look at his… savior. Nabiki eyed him with the cold, cocky smile that is the personal property of those who are just a little too sure of themselves. Looking at it, Hikaru had to suppress an urge to deck her in spite of what she'd just done, an urge that was only kept in check by the facts that: a) only a real heel would hit a woman; and; b) if he tried, she would probably break both his knees, and use his spinal cord as a xylophone. 

Hikaru sighed. There was something inherently humiliating about being saved by a girl to his mind, even if she was a master of the martial arts. Still, there were worse things… 

Nabiki raised a mercenary palm. "So, Gosunkugi, do you have my fee?"

Such as having to pay her protection money. Hikaru reached awkwardly into his pocket. "I've got—five yen on me…"

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Honestly, sometimes it's like you think I'm some kind of charity. I mean, you're already paying my preferred customer rates!"

Hikaru gave a pained nod. "I'll get the rest to you. Soon."

Nabiki gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "You do that." With that she turned to walk away—then glanced over her shoulder. "You know, I'm starting up a service I call "the gold level". For just fifty more yen, you get a vital signs monitor, which will notify me the moment someone lays a finger on you…" Nabiki's shut her eyes, smiling softly. "I can count on your patronage, at least…"

A wave of anger swelled up in Hikaru that would have been terrible to behold if he were not an utter wimp. Checking it in, he merely took a deep breath. "I'll consider it." With that, he strode off in measured defiance.

Or would have, if that banana peel hadn't been there. Hikaru was still trying to get Nabiki's chuckling out of his head when the cane came crashing down on his hand. Its owner glanced calmly to the side, and regarded him with a mildly apologetic gaze, as she moved it. "Oh. Sorry, Hikaru."

Hikaru felt his spirits lift, even as his hand was suffering from near-crippling pain. "It's all right, Akane. I'm fine." he replied as he gazed into the eyes of Akane Tendou, the girl—no, the woman for whom he'd gladly cut off his own head, and serve it on a silver platter, with a sprig of parsley as a side.

She nodded. "Well, that's good," she stated levelly, and then walked away.

He'd gotten a positive response from her. Hikaru rose determined to take advantage of this moment. What he needed was some way of saying, _'Akane, I worship the very ground on which you tread. I know that it's an imposition beyond all reason to ask a goddess like you to even deign notice a grotesque creature like myself, but would you maybe, perhaps, consider going out for a bite to eat some time?_' Only shorter, and more succinct. And then it hit him.

"Nice weather, isn't it?"

Perfect.

Akane gave him a look that mixed annoyance with boredom and pity, all in equal measure. "No. It's hot, and muggy, and the sun is too bright."

Hikaru gulped. Already he was ruining his chances. There was only one thing to do. He gave a quick nod. "I suppose you're right."

Akane gave a frustrated groan. "No, Hikaru. I'm not. The weather's perfectly fine. The problem is me." She glanced down at the ground, her expression bitter. "It's just—seeing Nabiki take down that thug—and then making you pay her for it—it made me wish I could still practice martial arts. I'd use them to protect people, not to make money. But instead I'm a useless cripple." A tear rolled down her cheek.

Hikaru tried to convey the thought, _'Akane, I'd think you were the most perfect being imaginable even if you were a blind, deaf, mute quadruple amputee. You're so smart, and so pretty, and so kind. Please don't cry,'_ as best he could.

"That's too bad."

Akane nodded, moving quickly away. "Yeah. It sure is." Hikaru thought about following her, but decided against it.

-----

Later that day, during lunch, Hikaru was sitting by his usual table by himself, reviewing his conversation with Akane. (Most other students gave Hikaru a wide berth, largely out of the fear that whatever he obviously had was contagious.) He gave a sigh. All right, so eloquence wasn't his forte—still he had persistence, and that had to count for something, didn't it? After all, he had sat at the table next to hers for years, risking occasional notice from Nabiki, on the off-chance that Akane might one day realize he existed. And then one day, she had approached him and asked, "Do you have any salt?"

"Yes," he had replied, hands shaking, as he nervously picked up the pepper shaker before he realized his mistake, and wound up having a ten minute sneezing fit. True, it wasn't _Camille_, but still it was something. 

Hikaru glanced over to the side. Lately, Akane had been leaving school early to work as a nurse when she could. While she seemed a lot cheerier now, the truth was, he disliked that she was gone so often. Akane seemed to be taking an interest in her new job that was bordering on the obsessive. Hikaru shook his head. He really couldn't say that for certain. Not until the pictures from his spy camera were developed.

Suddenly, his ears perked up. Nabiki had just uttered Akane's blessed name, and that merited his immediate interest.

"…horrible crush on him." Nabiki stated. Hikaru almost bolted up in his seat. Who was this 'him'? What horrible Lothario had stolen his precious Akane's heart? Suddenly, a thrill passed through his entire body. Could it—might it possibly be that all his attentions had finally paid off? Was Akane actually interested in him?

"Akane's in love with Dr. Tofu?" squealed Sayuri. 

Hikaru fell back in his chair, much to the amusement of a good portion of the cafeteria. Ignoring their laughter, he shut his eyes. He should have expected this. There was no way that Akane would ever be interested in a wretch like him. He stood no chance of ever winning her heart. Well, there was only one thing to do about that.

-----

As Hikaru stood on the dock with a pair of sandbags tied to his waist, and his suicide note in a plastic bag taped to his chest, he wondered why nobody seemed to be the least bit interested in stopping him. Was he so pathetic that everyone agreed with his decision to do away with himself? Was that the reason they all carried on their business like he wasn't even there?

The answers to these questions could be gleaned from the whispered conversation of the onlookers.

"Keep your distance, everybody, and don't try to attract his attention. I don't like the look in his eyes…"

"He's a madman, a madman!"

"Think that's a bomb strapped to his chest?"

"That or maybe some nerve gas…"

"Shhh. He's about to say something."

Hikaru looked around and coughed. "Well, this is it. Goodbye cruel world."

Everyone in the vicinity took a step away from him.

Hikaru took a deep breath and stepped forward. So he was right. Nobody cared if he lived or died. That was fine. It just proved that he was making the right choice. He was a failure at life, at love, at everything. Death at least promised to be something he could succeed at.

He looked down. The water looked awfully cold. And damp. Hikaru shut his eyes.

It occurred to him then that he did not want to die like this, drowning on the docks with a suicide note written on "Hello, Kitty" stationery on his body. 

The onlookers were at this point were getting restless.

"He's just standing there…"

"Why doesn't he do something…?"

"Sure is a strange looking one…"

"STRANGE?" shot out a loud, piercing voice whose general tone was similar to fingernails dragged across blackboards. "You want to talk about strange? I know strange…" Everyone turned to look at the maker of this bold statement, even Hikaru. That individual was an old man who looked like the Gorton's fisherman, if he'd been stranded on a desert isle for a decade or so, and had only made it back to civilization last week. "Me name's Joe, though most call me Old Salty. I been all over the world, an' seen all sorts of strange things—St. Elmo's fire on the ocean, the pyramids of Egypt, the great snakes of South America—and once in England, I saw a man with three buttocks. But the greatest, most strangest thing I've ever seen, was in Sri Lanka. I met a man who possessed powers far beyond the mortal ken—Dr. Druid, he called himself. And he insisted that he was only the least student of the Ancient One, a mighty sorcerer who lived in the mountains of India—perhaps the mightiest in the world." Old Salty shook his head. "It's an experience both marvelous, and humbling to know such powers exist."

Hikaru shook his head and chuckled. There'd been a time in his life when he'd believed in magic. But that had been long ago, before Nabiki Tendou had proven to him time and time again his own shortcomings. He knew now that power and success were things that lay forever beyond his grasp, that no magical shortcut existed to overcoming that fact.

__

But what if you know wrong?, a small voice within him said. What if the old man were right? In that case, he had simply been looking in the wrong places before—and now he knew the right one.

Hikaru shut his eyes, and took a deep breath. It was madness. Chances were this was just another fraud. But still—any chance, no matter how slight was better than what he had now. Utter despair. And perhaps—perhaps the trip would do him good. "India" he muttered. The syllables seemed to reverberate in the air, as promise of wonders and mystery.

Yes. He would do it. He would go to India, seek out the Ancient One, and ask him for his help. Hikaru gave a confident nod. This was a new start for him. From now on, he was going to live life on his terms. With that, he took a great step forward.

After a moment, the onlookers shook their heads.

"Would you look at that?"

"After standing there so long, he just…"

"Just stepped right off the pier…"

"Aye," nodded Old Salty. "He's lucky it's low tide. There's only about three feet of water, so a man would have to put a whole lot of effort in to drowning."

That was when they heard the sputtering. "Would someone please throw me a rope, or something?"

-----

As he stood on the mountainside, staring up at the forbidding palace before him, it occurred to Hikaru that if he were ever to make a travel guide to India, there were five or so points he'd try to get across.

The first was that India was crowded. There were over a billion people living there, and rather large portion of them were crushed together in the cities. This made for a horrific sprawl in places, with all the resulting problems—scarcity, pollution, pests, and of course, crime. Hikaru had lost nearly a third of his funds to a pickpocket on his first day. Fortunately—and this was point number two—a little bit of money goes a long way there. In his search for the Ancient One, he had paid for food, lodging, and numerous bribes with an amount of money that would have bought two cups of coffee and a doughnut back home.

The third point he would have to make was that as one went into the hinterlands, one had to do without certain modern conveniences. Like electricity. And indoor plumbing. 

He really missed the indoor plumbing.

And all that tied into the fourth point—India is not the land of happy mystics that popular culture imagines it to be. Of all the people he'd encountered looking for the Ancient One, not one was a wise old sage with a long white beard who dispensed fragments of wisdom with casual aplomb. Most were travelers and merchants—and he suspected that some of the aforementioned were actually criminals. Others were street performers, beggars, and traveling storytellers—three professions that tended to blend into each other. It was from their twice-told tales and vague rumors that he had finally encountered the handful of people who might qualify as "sages", and they usually had a rather crazy look in their eyes, and a tendency to trail off midsentence during the course of a conversation. And the three or four people that _might_ have possessed genuine magical powers did not strike him as the most pleasant characters. 

The fifth point, Hikaru thought, as he looked around, was that when it rains in India, it _rains_. For days on end. Without stopping. It had started two weeks ago, and in that time, every bit of clothing that Hikaru owned had been soaked through. He was miserable, and cold, and he feared opening his suitcase lest the resulting mildew had achieved movement, and perhaps a rudimentary sentience. 

After a week, the rain started showing up in his dreams.

And one night, he'd had the strangest dream—nightmare—dream, that he'd ever had in his life.

-----

He was in a rainstorm, and saw a cave. Rushing in, he was surprised to see a bonfire was burning there. He sat down, and warmed himself. That was when he heard the greeting. "Hello."

He looked up. A woman sat there, in a green silk dress, with pale skin and long, black hair who had certainly not been there a moment before. She was poking the fire idly with a stick. "Hello," he replied nervously.

She glanced back up at him, the fire shining in her eyes. Hikaru shifted uneasily. There was something—off, about the woman. "So, where are you going?" she asked, calmly.

"I don't know," he replied.

The woman chuckled. A flame shot up, and briefly covered her hand, before burning out. Her hand was not even singed. "An admission of ignorance! That's a rare thing! For that my gift is wisdom!" The woman leaned forward, her expression amused, and arrogant, and predatory, all at once. "Ask three questions. You'll receive three true answers."

Hikaru's first question sprang to his lips unbidden. "Will Akane ever love me?"

The answer came like a gunshot. "No." 

Hikaru gulped. The cave seemed unbearably hot. "Will—will I ever find what I'm looking for?"

The woman laughed at that one. "No."

Hikaru shook his head. He had to use his last question wisely. "Will the Ancient One help me?"

The woman thought a moment for that one before replying, in a hoarse whisper. "No."

Hikaru stood up angry. "You promised me three true answers, but only gave me the same one over again."

The woman stood up gracefully, and chuckled. "Is it my fault you asked the wrong questions?" She placed her hands on her hips, and gave Hikaru a look of condescending pity. "However, since I did promise you wisdom, know this—beggars can't be choosers, and cold iron is most useful against spirits."

Hikaru wiped his forehead. It was getting very hot. "That's—that's nonsense…"

"Of course it is!" the woman gloated. "Nonsense is the only sense there is and negation the only wisdom!" Flames burnt high behind her. Hikaru realized with a start that the fire had surrounded him on all sides, blazing out of control. 

"Oh, crap," he muttered, before the flames burned through his clothing, and then his flesh, while the woman strode forward, gazing at him hungrily and laughing the entire time.

Hikaru woke in a cold sweat, grateful that he didn't have to change his sleeping bag. It took him several hours to get back to sleep and when he did, his sleep was deep, and dreamless.

-----

But that was behind him. He was finally here—the sanctuary of the Ancient One. Staring at the immense castle, Hikaru wondered how anyone could build something like that in the mountains. 

And how they'd pay for it if they could. 

And why they'd do it in the first place. 

He walked forward. As he reached the gateway, the immense doors opened on their own.

That was, he decided after a moment's thought, a nice touch.

-----

The Ancient One, Hikaru decided, may have been the greatest mystic in the world, but his judgment in interior design was highly questionable. In all honesty, his sanctuary was proving the greatest monument in the world to bad taste outside of Graceland. Giant abstract murals covered the walls, their clashing s bringing nothing to mind so much as a hangover, made visual. Gigantic torches, burning with a purple flames, lit the corridors, and would flicker on as he approached. 

It appeared that restraint was not one of the Ancient One's virtues.

Finally, Hikaru entered a great hall, dominated by a giant throne in the center of it. Seated on the throne was a little old man, his serenely shut. "Hello, Hikaru Gosunkugi," he stated, his eyes not opening.

Hikaru coughed. "Am I supposed to reply with a shocked question of how you know that, even though I can think of half a dozen ways you could…? Because I'd really like to skip that part…"

The old man's eyes opened. They stared at him with a faint, compassionate amusement. "What business have you with the Ancient One, that has carried you over this great distance?"

Hikaru gulped. The man may have talked like someone in a bad old historical movie, the kind where Roman Centurions talked like they'd just come out of weekend in Hell's Kitchen, he had a sort of presence that was hard to shrug off. "Well—sir—I—I've had a—well, a pretty miserable life, and it always seemed that if I could just get a break I could—maybe—improve it—a little. But that's never happened. And then I heard about you, and I thought you could—make it better. Somehow." 

The words seemed petty and ridiculous even as he said them. _I have no chance here_, he thought, as the Ancient One's eyes narrowed. "So Gosunkugi" the sorcerer stated calmly, "is this how you ask for my secrets? Secrets that can shake the very foundations of the cosmos?"

Hikaru glanced down at the floor. "I guess that's a no." He sighed. "All right then. I was sort of expecting something like this. Don't bother getting up—I'll see myself out…" It appeared this trip was a waste. Still, it'd been a precious month or so without Nabiki. That was almost worth it. Suddenly, it occurred to him. 

He turned to look back at the Ancient One. "I was just wondering… I—could you—help out a—friend of mine… A-Akane Tendou…?"

The Ancient One quirked an eyebrow. "I see. You wish her cured of her limp—and thus, properly grateful." The image came instantly into Hikaru's mind—a joyous Akane, embracing him in thanks. And almost as quickly he discarded it. That was nonsense. A restored Akane was even further out of his reach. "Look, it's only because—she's the only person I know who's more miserable than I am—and just once—it'd be nice to see her smile is all…" He sighed, thinking thoughts of Akane, which were five times more pleasant, and ten times less lucid than his usual ones. "You don't have to even mention me—just do whatever you can for her…"

He continued to the door. A slight chuckle came from the Ancient One. "I don't recall giving you permission to leave—apprentice."

Hikaru started. "What was that?"

The Ancient One shrugged. "I'm taking you on as an apprentice. It's a whim of mine."

Hikaru immediately took a deep bow. It was a virtual miracle he didn't lose his balance. "T-thank you, sir." 

"Do not thank me, Gosunkugi." The Ancient One shut his eyes. He looked very tired, all at once, and very old. "I've done you no favors." He turned to the corner of the room. "Mordu."

A man appeared from them, who had most certainly not been there before. A tall, stately aristocratic man wearing a blue cloak, in his early twenties, with long black hair, and a handsome, refined face. "Yes, master?" he murmured in a voice that was as silky and polished as the rest of him.

The Ancient One gestured in Hikaru's direction. "I will need you to escort Mr. Gosunkugi to his quarters." He turned to glance at Hikaru. "This is Baron Klaus Willigott Mordu, my senior apprentice."

So it appeared that human Adonis was his upperman. Nothing ever really changed, it seemed. Hikaru suppressed an urge to scream. 

The Ancient One seemed oblivious to his discomfort. "Mordu will answer any questions you have about this place. I will see you again tomorrow." He shut his eyes.

Hikaru turned to find Mordu already at his side. Staring at him with an expression that suggested studying an annoying insect more than regarding a fellow student. "Follow me," he uttered, that perfect voice a perfectly cold expression of contempt. Hikaru found he really didn't appreciate Mordu's tone of voice. In fact, he really didn't appreciate Mordu, period. Still, he obviously knew his way around, and Hikaru suspected he didn't want to get lost in this place. He followed quickly, noting that Mordu made little effort to see that he was keeping up.

It was a long walk down the hall. Hikaru made an effort to strike up a conversation. "So, how long have you been here?"

Mordu didn't even look at him. "Long enough." Hikaru allowed the conversation to die a premature, and horrible death. All in all, he was rather glad when they reached a heavy stone door, and stopped. "Your..." began Mordu.

"Yes, I know, my room…" muttered Hikaru, walking forward. He could have sworn that Mordu growled at him for that remark, but when he glanced back at the Baron, he seemed as placid as ever. As Hikaru entered the room, Mordu glanced at him. "I should warn you," he began, "this place is most—dangerous at night. It would be wisest not to stir from your quarters.

Hikaru blinked. "What's the danger from?"

A rather smug smile spread over Mordu's far too handsome face. "You're better off not knowing." With that, he strode majestically away.

That night, as he lay in bed, listening to things slither, and drip by his room, Hikaru decided that Mordu was probably telling him the truth.

-----

The next day, a tired miserable Hikaru found himself woken up at the break of dawn, and escorted by a smirking Mordu to a large room that looked like someone had been designing a theme restaurant based medieval torture chambers. It was lit by more of the purple torches, which Hikaru was finding more and more irritating. The Ancient One sat on the floor his demeanor calm, and rather abstracted.

"So young Gosunkugi," he began after a rather lengthy silence, "you have come to learn the ways arcane from me—and now your lessons begin…"

Hikaru gave a weary nod. "Uhh, right—say is there—anyway I could—get maybe another hour of sleep…"

"The awakened mind treasures each moment of awareness…" replied the Ancient One in a horribly chipper voice.

"And so—do I, but I like to have them…! I'm probably going to nod off in another second…"

The Ancient One gave a dismissive wave. "Relax, child. The wonders I will show you will shock your mind to peak wakefulness."

Hikaru shuddered slightly. "Wonderful."

The Ancient One beamed at him. "I am happy to see you are getting into the spirit of things. And now for your first lesson—flight!"

Hikaru glanced up at that. Flight?" That sounded—almost pleasant. As a child, Hikaru used to dream of flying high in the air, above the problems that faced him on the world below.

At least, he had until the day Nabiki had offered to give him flying lessons for twenty yen. And then shoved him off a cliff. Admittedly it was a rather small cliff, but to Hikaru's mind it was the fall that counted.

Hikaru looked down at the floor. It seemed rather hard.

The Ancient One gave a sage-like cough. "Flight is perhaps the simplest of all magicks, the most easily learned—and yet the techniques that it teaches are the building blocks for even the most complicated spells." 

Hikaru gave a quick nod. "That's fascinating. Now, excuse me, I need—a drink. Of water."

The Ancient One shook his head. "The needs of the body are illusory—a cage to bind the spirit." He pulled something from the folds of his robe. "Now, then, as a novice, you will need aid with this technique." He unfurled the bundle. "From this Cloak of Levitation." 

Hikaru stared at the cloak. It looked like someone had taken a greatcoat, fed it anabolic steroids, and then exposed it to a massive dose of radiation for good measure. It was large. And red, with a golden fringe. And not a pleasant red, with a thin fringe—an eye-stabbing red, with a fringe that would have kept an army of drag queens in spangles for years. And finally, there was the collar. Hikaru could see that if he wore it, it would overwhelm his head. Actually, the thing looked like it could overwhelm a fair-sized civilization, and then go on to destroy Tokyo for good measure.

Hikaru glanced away, fidgeting, as he tried to get the eyesore out of his head. "Do you have anything quieter?" He was hoping for something in black, or grey. Hikaru liked black and grey. They went well with anything. Especially black and grey.

The Ancient One laughed. "Why, this cloak was the one I used as an apprentice."

Hikaru eyed him suspiciously. "Was that during the 70s?"

The Ancient One gave a casual nod. "Around 1370, or so, yes…"

Hikaru blinked. "Ah."

"Here," said the Ancient One, handing him the cloak. "My gift to you."

Hikaru quickly put it on, hoping that he didn't look as ridiculous as he felt, and suspecting that he did. "So how does this work?"

"Merely direct your will towards flight, and the cloak will carry you."

"Ah." said Hikaru, with a nod that indicated that he naturally believed every word he'd just been told. He shut his eyes, and pictured himself flying. In this cape.

It was a depressingly silly looking picture.

"This—really doesn't seem to be working, sir…" he commented quietly.

The Ancient One's voice came up at him faintly. "It's working exquisitely. Indeed you exceed my expectations." Hikaru opened his eyes. The Ancient One stood on the floor, far below him, and dwindling in size at a rather startling rate. Hikaru let a startled chuckle escape his lips. This was amazing! He was rising effortlessly! Almost as if he was born to do this! Suddenly, Hikaru realized that he had better figure out how to stop before he hit—

WHAM!!!

—the ceiling. Hikaru blacked out for a second. When he opened his eyes, he was falling away from the ceiling, to reacquaint himself with his old childhood friend, the floor.

Hikaru did what came naturally. He shuts his eyes again, and whimpered.

After allowing his pupil a moment to recuperate, the Ancient One walked forward, and tapped Hikaru lightly on the shoulder with his foot. "Very good, Gosunkugi. Now try it again. We must work on control…"

Hikaru groaned.

-----

That night, Hikaru lay in bed, nursing his battered and bruised body. He had practiced flight for several hours, before being allowed a break. Once that was out of the way, he had practiced flight for several more hours. During all this, the Ancient One had praised his 'enduring spirit", which Hikaru took for took to be mystic cant for "surprisingly fast recovery time". Now doing a mental review Hikaru noted that he was sore in places that he hadn't even known existed, thoroughly exhausted, and much, much too terrified to go asleep.

He let out a sigh. Somehow, this was not how he pictured being taught the ways arcane. It made sense to him how the Ancient One had gotten his formidable reputation—anyone who gave out this sort of training was either powerful beyond belief, so as to avoid be killed by a disgruntled student, or completely insane, so as not to care. Or quite possibly both, which Hikaru suspected to be the case. Still, it could be worse. He could be out there with whatever was making those noises.

At just that moment, Hikaru felt a—familiar stirring. He groaned. Of all the times to have to go to the bathroom, this ranked among the worst. He shook his head. Forget it. He would just wet his sheets, if it came down to that. That definitely outranked be shredded to pieces by ungodly monstrosities. That was when he realized he had—the other sort of business, as well. Hikaru cried. Why him? He wasn't an evil man. Just a slightly pathetic one.

Still, even he had his limits. If it was—befouling his sheets, or dying horribly, he'd take dying horribly, thank you very much. He rose and went to the door, then paused a moment, and cleared his throat. "Look—unholy beasts of hell, and acquaintances—I know you're out there, so if you're going to devour me, just do it, all right? No lurking, no stalking, no twisted mind games—just grab me and get it over with, okay? Because I am really NOT in the mood to mess around." He opened the door.

The hallway was empty.

Hikaru sighed. He hoped he wasn't getting set up.

-----

It was funny, thought Hikaru. When he'd been heading to the bathroom, the way had seemed quite certain. However, heading back, he was hopelessly lost. At first, he'd tried to get his bearings by finding some bit of decoration that he recognized. After a short time, he realized that this was impossible. There were NO decorations in the Ancient One's sanctuary that a sane human being would be even capable of recognizing. That's not to say there were no decorations—it was just that everything was the same godawful, garrish, pseudo-moddish abstract stylings that were so utterly random that the human mind simply ceased to notice any difference in it. 

At the moment, Hikaru's plan was to amble about randomly and hope that he found his room. Given the place's size, this would probably take him sixty years, at an optimistic estimate.

It was enough to make him want to cry.

Hikaru glanced around. He was presently in a long, dark hall with three identical looking doors. Hikaru shrugged. Really, what were the chances that something soul-suckingly horrific lurked behind whichever door he chose?

Pretty damn good, so he might as well get it over with, and bear his punishment like a man. He opened a door.

Inside Mordu stood before a huge golden altar, decorated with a malefic-looking horned demon head. A brazier of sickly greenish flame burned before him. Mordu was holding a bloody knife, and chanting in a low, dire voice that sounded like it came from a graveyard. "Oh, Lords of Anguish, Twin Monarchs of Despair, I call on the power that you bear. By fire and pain, blood and death, wrack the body, and cease the breath."

Hikaru got the distinct impression that this wasn't his room.

Mordu was now raising his left hand, a long cut visible on the palm. "Dread Dormammu! I invoke thee! By thy power shall I destroy the Ancient One! By thy power, shall he die!" The green flame towered up, and gathered around his hand, absorbing itself into it. 

That was it, Hikaru decided. He was getting the hell out of here. Hikaru turned around quickly, and started to sneak out. He was fairly certain he did not want to be caught by Mordu.

"You there."

Oh, crap.

Hikaru turned around, slowly. Mordu stood there, watching him, almost motionless. His eyes bore into Hikaru's skull, their gaze one of icy command. "What did you see?"

"Oh, nothing." Hikaru could feel his knees shaking. "Just the whole—death spell thing. It—really didn't strike me as too important…"

Mordu chuckled. "You will not tell."

Hikaru gave a nervous laugh in reply. "That's right. Absolutely right. The way I see it, if you have a problem with the Ancient One, that is absolutely no business of mine. So goodnight, see you tomorrow. Hope everything works out for you…" He began to head out again.

Mordu simply smiled. "Your desperate attempt to bluff me is noted." Hikaru gritted his teeth. He was toast.

Much to his surprise, Mordu merely stepped forward. "You misunderstood me, however. I was neither asking for, nor confirming your cooperation. I was COMMANDING it." Mordu glanced away, quietly amused. "I have placed a mental block in your mind. You will say nothing I do not want to be said." Mordu glanced at Hikaru again, his expression now openly mocking. "Go on, try."

Hikaru tried to reply with a hearty "You are a freaky psycho who terrifies beyond all measure, so may I please go now?" but found he couldn't. It was as if his larynx had been surgically removed—try as he might, the sounds would not come out.

Mordu gave a silvery laugh. "So you see—I have no reason to fear you." He calmly turned away. "Goodnight, Hikaru Gosunkugi. Pleasant dreams."

Hikaru left the room, in a sort of stunned daze. Oddly enough, he found his room with no trouble after that, though his dreams that night were far from pleasant.

-----

The next morning, Mordu seemed even more self-satisfied than usual. Hikaru watched his eyes. They had the same predatory gleam he associated with Nabiki, when she announced some flimsy reason for him to pay her more money. It was the look, he thought, of those who have everything before them to gain, and nothing behind them to hold them back.

He didn't like that look.

Mordu smiled at him, calmly. "Tell me, Gosunkugi, why do you suppose I'm going to kill the Ancient One?"

Hikaru gulped. "Well," he said, after a moment's hesitation, "I'd say—and this is only a rough guess—that you want to move up the whole magician totem pole—thing." Hikaru gave an awkward laugh. "Which is of course a show of admirable ambition. So, why don't you lower the magical compulsion, and let me—?"

Mordu snickered. "As usual, you try to hide a flicker of courage behind a show of cowardice. You are such a strange, sad creature, Gosunkugi. I find you quite amusing."

Hikaru braced his shoulders. "Well the feeling isn't mutual. I find you frightening and eerie."

Mordu gave his head a rueful shake. "I will have to keep you alive when Dormammu grants me this place as a kingdom. You are most amusing, and quite harmless." He shut his eyes. "And as for your reason—it is partially accurate—but only partially. There are other matters here. My father was a student of the Ancient One." A grim tone came into his voice. "He was dismissed because he dared to go further than the old fool! It shattered him. I have spent my life waiting for the opportunity to avenge him, and now it is here." An unpleasant, vicious smile came to his lips. "And it tastes sweet." He opened his eyes, and chuckled. There was a world of hate behind those eyes, a world of hate that had been growing steadily for many years.

Hikaru shut his eyes, and shuddered. Life really, really sucked, when you got down to it. Good, if somewhat mad men like the Ancient One got killed so that insane monsters like Mordu could laugh about it. He'd traveled thousands of miles to get away from the phenomena, and instead had stumbled into it written about as large as it got.

It wasn't fair. But neither was being born looking like a zombie, and no one had consulted him on that particular matter either.

The doors to the Ancient One's chamber opened. The Ancient One sat on his throne, his expression meditative. He smiled kindly. "Ah, Mr. Gosunkugi. Thank you, Mordu." _That poor man has no idea what's going to happen_, thought Hikaru.

Mordu gave a low bow. "I am pleased to be of service, Master." He raised his left hand slowly. _He is going to die_, Hikaru thought. The Ancient One was going to die.

What he did next happened so quickly, it surprised even him, even when he thought back on it. In one motion, he pitched his body into Mordu's, knocking him over, and screamed, "He's trying to kill you! Mordu's trying to kill you! Mordu's trying to kill you!"

Mordu glanced at him, looking both shocked and offended. "You broke my control? I-impossible…" Mordu raised his hand, the green flame shimmering off of it. "You—you will die for your insolence…"

Hikaru began to scoot away as quickly as possible. "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap…" he muttered to himself. The green flame struck forward in a serpentine swirl, and then was dissolved into nothing by a bright golden light, inches away from Hikaru's face. The Ancient One stood next to him, all frailty gone, now calm, and powerful.

"That is quite enough, Mordu. It seemed you have overestimated your own might—and underestimated the power of Mr. Gosunkugi—and myself." The Ancient One stepped forward, the strength radiating off of him. "I have know of your dealings with the Dark One for some time now, Mordu, but I allowed you to believe you were succeeding both to allow me to keep a better eye on you, and as a test for the apprentice I knew was coming."

"And did you know about this?" snarled Mordu, pulling out a small purple shard from what looked like a jewel that cast a pale light in the chamber.

The Ancient One's eyes went wide. "It cannot be…"

Mordu smiled grimly. "A gift from my Master, to be used when needed."

Hikaru winced. "Umm, this is very bad isn't it?"

Mordu chuckled, placing the jewel against his forehead. "For you, yes." The jewel seemed to recede into Mordu's flesh. "Soon, Ancient One, you will be nothing more than a mem—" Mordu's eyes went wide. "No." He fell to the floor with an ear-piercing scream, writhing in agony.

Hikaru got up, and glanced at the Mordu, whose flesh was palpating in a manner that brought to mind something about to explode. Hikaru looked at the Ancient One, which was far preferable to looking at Mordu. "This just got WORSE, didn't it?"

The Ancient One gave a grave nod. "Indeed it has." He grabbed Hikaru by the shoulder. "We must go. Quickly." Much to Hikaru's surprise, the chamber immediately began to fade out of view, accompanied by the feeling of being strained into a million pieces, and then being hastily reassembled. Hikaru tried to suppress his urge to vomit.

He failed.

Once he was finished he looked up at the room he was in. It was stone chamber, oddly sedate compared to the rest of the sanctuary, with a greenish door inscribed with strange symbols. A large stone pillar stood towards the end of the chamber. Hikaru turned to the Ancient One, the fear and frustration obvious on his face. "Okay—I'm just a little slow on some topics—like, you know—demons, and evil plots, and funny names—and I'd really appreciate it if you'd kindly explain WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

The Ancient One shut his eyes. "Mordu has bargained with beings far beyond him in power, and become their pawn." He gave a deep sigh. "He is now a hand of the dread Dormammu."

Hikaru gave a nod. "And this means—what? What's Dormammu?"

"Dormammu is the ancient ruler of the Dark Dimension, a hellish being of immense power, knowledge, and guile."

Hikaru sighed. "And yet he chooses to go by the name Dormammu."

"Do not mock!" The Ancient One eyes spread wide, his expression severe. "Dormammu is perhaps the greatest enemy I possess. He has for centuries tried to gain dominance over Earth. But the way is locked to him. Still, he tries to open it, to conquer this world as he has the Dimension of Darkness…"

Hikaru gave an awkward cough. "I'm not doubting his power, sir—it's just—well, that doesn't even sound like a viable cough, much less a name…" The Ancient One continued to gaze at him stonily. "I'm sorry. Please continue. What's Mordu going to do?"

The Ancient One turned away. "Mordu—is going to let him in."

Hikaru gulped. "Okay, that does sound like a crisis… So what are you going to do?"

The Ancient One shut his eyes. "We are going to stop him."

Hikaru blinked. "We…?"

"He will come to this chamber, for the tool he needs to open the gate." The Ancient One stepped back to the pedestal, and picked up a leather bound book. He rubbed his hand calmly over it. "The Book of Vishanti. Repository of the lore of those that watch over the worlds."

Hikaru coughed loudly. "Excuse me, did you say 'we'…?"

The Ancient One turned to Hikaru, holding up the book. "With the spells written here, Mordu could tear a hole in the foundation of the world. And humanity could drown in what rushed through that hole."

Hikaru nodded. "Ah-hah. I see. Now, did you use 'we', as in 'you and I'…?"

The Ancient One nodded. "Indeed." A quiet smile came to his face. "Are you frightened?"

Hikaru glanced around the chamber. "Just—a bit, yes…" He looked at the door ruefully. It appeared to be the only conventional way in or out of the room, and looked also to be exceedingly heavy.

"I am sorry, child, that you have to face Mordu." The Ancient One stated apologetically. "But I have grown old, and am not what I was."

Hikaru was about to say something that he hoped would have been vaguely reassuring when he heard the sound of a heavy object being wrenched out of the ground, and torn into pieces. And so his message of hope was transmuted into, "What was that?"

"The first wall of wards," replied the Ancient One calmly. There was another torrent of sound. "And that was the second." The Ancient One nodded slightly. "Mordu is certainly making good time."

Hikaru gave an awkward cough. "So—supposing Mordu does release—Dormammu, what will happen…?" 

The Ancient One shrugged. "In all likelihood, the damnation of all humanity." He sighed. "Indeed, we will probably prove fortunate in being among the first to die."

Hikaru winced. His plan on improving his life was definitely looking worse, the longer it went on.

There was a third rending, louder then the other two.

"The…" began the Ancient One.

"Third wall of wards," interrupted Hikaru. "So, how long until he gets here?"

"Not much longer," replied the Ancient One.

At just that moment, the doors to the chamber were torn open.

Unholy power, it seemed, had not agreed with Mordu's good looks. His once slender form now bulged and contorted like the flesh of some grotesque, hunchbacked weightlifter. His face had become a gaunt, cavernous thing dominated by a huge gaping mouth. His tongue seemed to be sprouting fingers. A third eye was sprouting from his forehead, while two more seemed to be growing behind his ear. His hands, meanwhile, were backtracking along the evolutionary path, and seemed to have given up thumbs in favor of lobsterlike claws.

The Ancient One strode defiantly forward. "Now Gosunkugi, we must—! "

Hikaru never got to hear what it was that they had to do, as Mordu grabbed the Ancient One with amazing speed and hurled him against the wall. The Ancient One gave a gasp, and passed out. Mordu gave a dry heaving laugh. "So—_master_—it seems your pathetic form has reached the limit of its powers. Do you see now the foolishness of defiance?"

Hikaru was aware suddenly, that his legs were moving him. 

Then he was aware that they were moving him _towards_ Mordu.

"You evil—cowardly—bastard!" he yelled, and then struck Mordu in the side with his fists. While there was a sort of metaphysical impressiveness in the action, the facts were that Hikaru's arms had a hard time mustering the strength necessary to crush an insect, and thus were completely unsuitable for attacking a great demonic beast.

Mordu turned and regarded him with eyes that had now sprouted tentacles. "Ahh. Gosunkugi…" It leaned forward, its expression baleful. "You irritate me, do you know that? You have defied my edict, and mocked my power, and for that I will kill you…"

Hikaru gulped, as Mordu's hot, stinking breath poured over him, and reached into his pockets, almost on instinct. It was still there, like a lucky rabbit's foot you keep on you even though you don't believe it works, because somehow, you're just used to it being there. For a moment, he recalled the first day Nabiki had broken through the solitude that surrounded him, only to disprove everything he believed. Grasping it, Hikaru did the only thing he could do.

There were a thousand actions Hikaru could have taken that Mordu would have immediately recognized and thwarted. And thus it is fortunate beyond measure that Hikaru did the one thing that Mordu was definitely not expecting.

He drove an iron nail right into Mordu's forehead.

"ARRGH!!" screamed Mordu, as he backed away, screaming in anguish. Hikaru was surprised how easily the nail had gone in, more like a knife through butter than something facing flesh and bone. He backed away as Mordu clawed desperately at his forehead. "BLAST AND BUGGER YOU, GOSUNKUGI! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MEEEEE?"

The flesh near the nail, Hikaru noted distractedly, was beginning to smoke.

__

'Cold iron is most useful against spirits', thought Hikaru. He glanced at the Ancient One. The old man was still out cold. And that was when he saw it, lying there, right by his hand. The Book of the Vishanti.

He picked it up, quickly. An image of Nabiki stole through his head. "You actually think that voodoo crap will work Gosunkugi? You're crazier than I thought!"

A grim smile came to Hikaru's face. "Maybe, Nabiki, but you were wrong about the hammer and nails, for once." He flipped open the book. All he had to do was find some spell for dealing with hands of Dormammu, or something to that effect. There had to be at least one.

The spell on the page the book opened on read, 'For the Destruction of Servants of the Dark Lords.'

Hikaru nodded. That seemed about right.

"Oh, holy three, monarchs of light, I call on thee—destroy the foulness that lies in my sight…"

Hikaru felt a jolt pass through his body, as if some great force was moving in him.

Mordu turned to Hikaru grimacing in a manner that showed much more of his mouth than Hikaru wanted to see. "What are you doing?"

Hikaru continued. "I am the key, and the gate—the road and the song—the scroll and the law." He could feel himself gathering energies, preparing to unleash them. It felt good—as if he was using parts of himself that he hadn't known existed.

Mordu snarled, his entire body bristling, and distorting. "Dare you defy me?" He swiped at Hikaru with his malformed claw. Suddenly a great flash of light emanated from Hikaru, as much to Hikaru's surprise as to Mordu's, whose claw jerked away, and then began to crumble, like a stale cracker that's had the slightest bit of pressure applied to it.

"And yours are the power and the glory, the name and the rank…"

Mordu stared at Hikaru wheedlingly an action rendered exceedingly grotesque by his mockery of a shape. "Please cease your casting. I… I see now I misjudged you. Cease your casting, hand me the book, and you will sit in glory at the Master's right hand." An image formed in Hikaru's mind, so quickly that he knew it hadn't started in him. Hikaru sat upon a throne, Akane at his side gazing at him adoringly, while Nabiki lay supine before him, begging for mercy. And the expression on Hikaru's face was the look of those who have everything before them to gain, and nothing behind them to hold them back.

__

That's not me, thought Hikaru. _And you know what? I'm actually glad about that_.

"By the power of righteousness, may the evil be vanquished!" Hikaru said authoritatively. Raising his hand, a great wave of light swept forward, engulfing Mordu. The erstwhile magician's form twisted erratically, desperately searching for a form that could survive or escape Hikaru's blast. And he failed, being torn to pieces and disintegrating into a fine powder. Finally, all that remained was a tiny jewel shard, glowing dully.

Hikaru stared, shocked. He had no idea exactly how—but it seemed that he had saved the world. He should have been happy about it, but somehow the audacity of what he'd done numbed him. Hikaru may have dreamed of actually being powerful, but he'd never envisioned being able to tear someone apart with a phrase.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt an urge to lie down. Quite possibly for a decade or so.

And that's when he heard it. "You've done well, disciple." Hikaru turned. The Ancient One stood behind him, smiling gently.

Hikaru began to scratch his head bashfully. "Umm—yes—urr—thank you."

The Ancient One continued smiling. "Believe me, Gosunkugi, I should be thanking you. Your actions have corrected my own dire failure. Mordu should never have been allowed to get this far. But like his father before him—he showed such promise." The Ancient One glanced at the shard. Almost on its own accord, it levitated towards him, hovering before his face. "Beautiful, is it not?" He glanced at Hikaru. The shard followed his gaze and floated towards Hikaru, and stopped just level of his eyes. "Do you want it?"

Hikaru looked at the jewel. His casting of the spell seemed to have improved his perception—he could feel the power radiating off of it.

It was a not-nice power.

"Umm, no thank you," he answered.

"A wise choice" chuckled the Ancient One. He blinked at the jewel and it was immediately covered in a fine white silk. "It is a dark power, that gem, a little piece of hell." He shook his head and sighed. "However, I'm afraid you'll have to be its keeper. For a little while at least."

Hikaru took a step away uncertain. "Look, I'd really rather not…"

The Ancient One shook his head. "In this you have no choice. Child, look at this world. It is in tumult. The order on which it relies is disintegrating. It is like an egg placed in a vise that is being slowly, and surely tightened. It is cracking, and things are entering through those cracks. You know this to be true—you have seen it, and you have felt it, in your heart." The Ancient One's face was a severe mask, all the good humor Hikaru was already used to gone. "If it is to endure—perhaps if all the universe is to endure, then we must fight this power that is turning all askew."

Hikaru grew pale. This was quite an accomplishment for a man who already lacked most of what was generally called 'skin tone'. "We? Did you just use 'we' again?"

"Yes, Gosunkugi, "we"! Those destined to pit their strengths against the evils that would thwart all ripeness. Those who must fight in the shadows, so that the light may endure." The Ancient One gazed at Hikaru calmly, a glowing nimbus surrounding his head.

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Umm, well—sir, I'm—honored that you think I—measure up to—those standards but—well, I don't think I do…"

The Ancient One smiled at him. "Hikaru Gosunkugi, I know your thoughts in this matter—and I know they are wrong. Listen to me—you have traveled all the way to be here—you were found worthy to be my apprentice—and both of these are no small feats—and you defeated the commands of a sorcerer of far greater experience than yourself, and called upon the powers of the Book of Vishanti. You're attributes are more than adequate for this purpose—I'd argue, they are extraordinary." He paused here. "Still, this is your choice. Will you rise to your world's defense, or damn it to perdition? Will you be my sword, Hikaru Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru gave a deep sigh. "There is no way I can answer 'no' after that buildup and _not_ be a jerk, is there?

The Ancient One beamed. "So you accept?"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well, I don't think I had _that_ long a life expectancy anyway."

The Ancient One nodded and took his shoulder. "Then follow me, Gosunkugi." The pair walked off. "Now, I will have to give you what knowledge I can in a very intense burst of exhaustive training." Hikaru winced. "And even that way not quite prepare you. Still we must hope…"

Hikaru whimpered. 

-----

In a small flickering chamber, the entity called Dormammu swore. To a witness, he would resemble a man wearing elaborate robes, a radiant fire surrounding his head. And in fact there was a witness, though to her, he resembled nothing, and simply was. "That old fool! He practically throws the gauntlet down before me… Well, he shall pay, oh, yes he shall…" A deep, dark chuckle came to his lips.

There was a stirring from behind him. "Honestly Onigumo, I do wish you wouldn't mutter to yourself. It makes me worry about your sanity."

Dormammu (who was known to a small circle of beings by his true name, Naraku, and by one very irritating being by the name Onigumo) glanced behind him. A beautiful woman in a rather risqué green silk dress stood there, a mocking light in her eyes. "I have told you not to call me by that name."

The woman a long mournful sigh that Naraku did not consider too sincere. "But what am I to call you? You have so many names these days, I have a hard time sorting them out." She walked to his side and gave him a rather sharp pinch on the cheek. "Besides all long-term couples need affectionate private names for each other." She paused for a moment. "In fact—I must insist you call me 'sugar dumpling'."

Naraku gave her a sidelong glance. "Why?"

The woman shrugged. "It has long been a fantasy of mine."

Naraku shut his eyes in irritation. "Kikyo—has it occurred to you that your actions have grown increasingly erratic over the years…?"

Kikyo gave a playful toss of her head. "Occasionally. And then I cry out in torment at the horrific thing I've become and swear to destroy you and turn all your dreams to dust in vengeance. And then I find something amusing and it passes." She gave him a flirtatious grin. "Tonight I found you. Lucky boy."

Naraku stared at her. "You are aware of the setback I'm facing are you not?

Kikyo patted his head. "Of course, Onigumo. That's what makes it so amusing."

"Listen, witch" Naraku snarled. "If you had killed the boy as I asked, we'd be free!"

Kikyo laughed and shook her head. "I tried, darling but he was too strong for me." She smiled at him. "I'm hardly omnipotent, after all. Just highly flexible."

Naraku frowned. "I will have to begin my secondary plan then…"

Kikyo nodded. "And then your tertiary plan, and then your quadriary plan, and then your quintery plan…"

Naraku ignored her. "That means more waiting. I hate waiting."

Kikyo snorted. "I'd think you'd have learned to get used to it by now." She turned to leave. "Goodnight, _Onigumo_." She paused at the door. "Or perhaps good morning. It's really impossible to tell here." And with that she left him.

Naraku leaned back against the chamber wall, and cursed the power Kikyo had to vex him. Still that would change soon. Very soon…

Kikyo meanwhile was grinning to herself. The game was continuing—and had gained a new player. Kikyo loved games. They kept her from getting bored. And thinking about herself.

And so the relationship of the two co-monarchs of the Dark Dimension continued much as it had for the last few centuries. It was fairly dangerous for those around them, but they both considered that its primary virtue.

-----

Next Chapter:

HIKARU: Umm, look, I don't think this a good idea—I'm really not any good at public speaking… What do you mean I'm on?

(shocked)

AHH! 

(coughs)

Umm, hello—gentle readers. Well—that was exciting—wasn't it? 

(sighs)

Please don't answer that.

(reading)

Next chapter promises to be loads of—fun, with more—villains, more heroes, and—more excitement. So—hold onto your hats because—

(angered)

Oh, come on—who writes this garbage! You can't honestly expect me to read that!

(surprised)

What do you mean—"other interested parties"? I'm the main charac—

(quiet)

Oh.

(coughs)

Because next chapter—yours truly will gain a pair of—stalwart companions—oh, come on that sounds like some sort of homosexual catchphrase! You know I'm right…

(back to business)

So be sure to catch our next exciting chapter--"Satan Met a Lady—Lady Met a Warlock". It's—

(exasperated)

fiendishly clever—look, can I least get some control over what's in the rest of these—I cannot take doing another one this stupid—No, I didn't mean it like that…

-----

Author's Notes:

Ahem—first, I didn't own or create any of the characters I stole to make that story. Dr. Strange and company come from the minds of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko—the _Ranma 1/2_ characters are the creations of Rumiko Takashi—and Joe (or as most know him, "Old Salty") is the creation of Pete Abrams, for his seminal internet comic, **Sluggy Freelance**. (Go check it out. You'll be glad you did.) 

Nor, can I say to have invented the concept and mixed universe that the story is set in. That honor goes to DB Sommer in his marvelous crossover _Avenging_, who I must thank repeatedly for allowing me to play around in his creation. I strongly recommend you read his original story—several times, in fact—and then if you're still interested in my little cob job, well, thank you.

And now, for the continuity minded among you. First, if a conflict ever arises between this story and _Avenging_—then _Avenging_ is right, and you may consider this a sort of alternate universe. Otherwise, this story can be seen as necessary or superfluous to the _Avenging_ universe proper as the reader wants.

Now for a timeline—Hikaru's story starts at about three months before the start of Chapter 2, so no, Akane was NOT Thor when she talked to Hikaru. Just before anybody asks.

And also, to head out the almost inevitable flood of corrections, yes I KNOW that Baron Mordu's name in the original comics is Karl Amadeus Mordu. That's the father that Klaus referred to who it seemed came to bad end even without Stephen Strange to help him out…

And yes, criticism is always welcome. As long as it's intelligent. And the spelling is reasonably correct.


	2. Satan Met a Lady: Lady Met a Warlock

Ishi Takashi, when introduced to attractive women at parties, usually gave his profession as "monetary distribution agent".

This was a fancy way of saying "thief", which is precisely what he was. However, one generally doesn't say that to people at parties, especially when one is trying to get into their pants.

Of course, Ishi had other reasons not to state his real profession—he wasn't very good at it, for one. For example, just last week, while robbing a bank in Kyoto, he'd miscalculated the night watchman's schedule, and had been spotted at the very beginning of the job. He'd been forced to run with what little money he had already gotten, which turned out to be only 5000 yen. Even worse, the bank had turned out to be yakuza owned, and so soon he was on the run not only from the law, but from a group of very large, menacing men, most of whom had chopped off their own pinky fingers at some point or another, and were thus eager to share the experience.

Ishi had made the very sane decision to leave Kyoto for Tokyo, but had blown most of his haul doing this, and so now was in dire straits. Lacking the resources for a big job, and not wanting to draw to much attention to himself, he was now reduced to petty stick-ups.

Such as the young couple he was presently holding at gunpoint. The pair stared at Ishi in shock, since they, like many young people, thought of crime as something that happened to other people, usually in other cities, or even landmasses.

"Just hand me the money," Ishi explained, in a slow, calm voice. "There's no need to try anything heroic."

That was when the arrow shot past, inches away from his face, and buried itself in the wall behind him. "There's ALWAYS a need to try something heroic!" shouted a clear, high female voice. Ishi turned.

She stood there, silhouetted in the lamplight. She wasn't very tall, and looked to be quite young. She wore a yellow jumpsuit, with a blue cowl with cat's ears, her long black hair flowing behind her. A bow was in her hand, arrows held in a quiver tied around her waist.

Ishi gulped. He was definitely not in any condition to take on a superhero.

The girl glanced quickly at the couple. "Just get away! I'll take care of this crook. There's no way the likes of him can stand up to the claws of Hellcat—and SON OF SATAN!"

As the couple took her up on her advice, the apparent Hellcat looked eagerly to her side. After roughly a minute, she hissed loudly. "Son of Satan! Don't leave me hanging here…!"

A loud groan emanated from the shadows. "Do I have to do this?"

Hellcat pouted in a rather sulky fashion. "Yes!"

With a long sigh, Son of Satan slouched into view. He was a young man, clad in a rather archaic red kimono that someone had seen fit to scrawl a rather crude pentagram on. He wore no shoes, which was odd—he also had dog-ears, which was odder. Silky white hair hung down to his waist while a samurai sword hung at his side. He regarded Ishi with a look that combined resignation with sheer boredom. "I am Son of Satan," he announced in a dull monotone. "Tremble before my wrath, evildoer."

Hellcat glanced at him reproachingly. "You could at least put some feeling into it."

Son of Satan rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms. "Look, Kagome, I just think this really stupid, is all…"

The girl's eyes went wide. "HEY! We talked about this! It's Hellcat! I have a secret identity to protect!"

"Oh, no!" Son of Satan shouted in mock horror. "Now he knows your one of the million or so girls in Japan called Kagome! Whatever shall we do?"

"Inu-Yasha…" snarled Kagome—then brought her free hand up to her face in shock. "I meant, Son of Satan…"

Ishi felt a sudden sense of relief.

"Oh, wow, you're really stickin' with this 'no names mentioned' rule of yours," laughed Inu-Yasha. "Man, why'd I ever agree to this…?" He began to walk away.

"Hey! Don't you walk out on me!" shouted Kagome. "I'll remind you who's got the upper hand here!"

"Right, right…" muttered Inu-Yasha, walking away.

"Umm, excuse me…" interjected Ishi.

"Oh you keep out of this!" Kagome stated forcibly. "You're not worried, Inu-Yasha? Not worried in the slightest that I'll say, si—"

At that moment, Ishi fired his pistol in the air. "I'd just like to say," he began calmly, as he pointed the pistol at them, "that I really seem to have the tactical advantage here. After all, I'm a man with a gun, while you're a girl with a bow, and a freak with a sword." He smiled at them. "So please hand over all your money."

"That's what you think!" shouted Kagome. With surprising speed and grace, she fit an arrow to her bow, and released it. The arrow sped quickly over Ishi's shoulder, and buried itself in the wall behind him.

Ishi's smile turned into a grin. "Missed."

It was at precisely that moment that the wall behind him exploded, tossing him to the ground, and causing his gun to fall out of his hand and skid away.

"Umm, did I do that?" Kagome asked quietly.

Inu-Yasha gave a slight nod. "Yep."

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Finally, Kagome coughed slightly. "Oops."

Inu-Yasha glanced at her oddly. "That sort of thing never used to bother you."

"I never used to worry about getting sued."

Inu-Yasha gave an understanding nod. "Right. Lawyers. You mentioned them once..." He scratched his chin. "Don't they suck blood, or somethin'?"

Kagome blinked, then thought it over. "More or less."

While the pair chatted, Ishi crept forward to grab his gun.

Unfortunately for him, Inu-Yasha noticed him.

In the amount of time it takes a man to blink then cough, Ishi found himself being hoisted into the air, by a very angry would-be superhero. "You don't learn, do you, creep?"

Ishi gulped. He hadn't noticed it before, but Inu-Yasha had claws. And fangs. And a rather unpleasant glint in his eyes. "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME—I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!"

Inu-Yasha laughed darkly. "Oh, yeah, like you're not goin' to just turn around and try to get us some other way if I let you go…"

"Son of Satan!" chirped Kagome disapprovingly. "You can't kill him!"

Ishi sniffled. _Listen to the girl, listen to the girl, god, oh god, listen to the girl_…

Inu-Yasha gave a snort. "Save us a lot of trouble."

Kagome raised a finger, and started to admonish him. "Superheroes can't kill people. Not unless the villain has killed somebody, and then they have to make it happen by accident."

Inu-Yasha stared at her, puzzled. "How can you do that?"

"Well, like, you fight on a mountainside, and they pull out a super weapon to beat your weapon, only they misjudge how powerful it is, and the mountainside collapses, burying them in rubble." Kagome explained helpfully.

Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "That seems like a pretty complicated way a handling things…"

A blissful smile appeared on Kagome's face. "It's the way of the superhero, who strongly respects life enough to bludgeon people into unconsciousness, instead of simply killing them."

Inu-Yasha narrowed his eyes. "Right."

Kagome glared at him. "Just take care of the bad guy!"

Inu-Yasha gave a hasty nod. "Sure thing." He raised his fist, and drew back his arm in preparation for a terrific uppercut.

"Hang him up on the fire escape!" shouted Kagome. "The one near the bakery!"

Inu-Yasha sighed, then jogged over to fire escape, and leaped up onto it. He glanced at Ishi. "You trust this suit?"

Ishi gulped. "It's hand-tailored."

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Good." He hung Ishi up on the side of the fire escape, using the jacket as a snag. "Hope you trust your tailor." He leaped away.

Kagome gave a triumphant grin as he came down. "Well, now we just go to a phone booth, and inform the police, and then—this looks like another job well done by—HELLCAT and SON OF SATAN!"

Inu-Yasha gave a slight cough. "You know—this the first time we did this."

Kagome visibly deflated. "Umm—right."

The pair walked off together.

"And it wasn't that well done," added Inu-Yasha.

"Shut up, already!" cried Kagome.

-----

Defending

Chapter 2—"Satan Met a Lady—Lady Met a Warlock"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

By David Dee

-----

Hikaru Gosunkugi stood before the Ancient One on a morning so rainy and dark, it seemed like night.

"Gosunkugi, my pupil—you have done well," began the Ancient One.

"I'll pay, Nabiki, jus' don' hit…" muttered Hikaru.

The Ancient One blinked. Hikaru's comment had nothing to do with his, and unless he was mistaken, Hikaru had not suffered a psychotic break, which could only mean one thing.

A snore confirmed his guess. His apprentice was asleep. Standing up.

The Ancient One snapped his fingers under Hikaru's face. The young man came to with a shout of "struck by lightning" then blinked confused. "Where the hell am I?" he muttered.

"My throne room." replied the Ancient One calmly.

Hikaru gave a dull nod. "Uh-huh. And how did I get here?"

The Ancient One nodded. "I called you, Gosunkugi."

Hikaru nodded again. "I see." He glanced around, slightly tense. "That's right. Sorry. A bit tired is all." He gave a nervous laugh. "Must be that last twenty hour lesson on alternate consciousness…" A rather forced grin came to his face. "So what's up today? Walking on hot coals? Moving through walls? Holding a 100 ton weight over my head through the sheer power of my mind?"

The Ancient One shook his head. "No." He patted Hikaru on the shoulder. "We are not studying today."

Hikaru blinked twice then laughed. "Really? Well, that's great. I'll just be in my quarters recuper—I mean, meditating…"

The Ancient One calmly shook his head. "No, Gosunkugi. Today is not a day of rest and contemplation. Today is a day of endings, and partings. Your lessons are over. I am sending you forth."

The look on Hikaru's face was the sort that's usually reserved for reacting to people who claim they pick up radio broadcasts from Mars on their fillings. "But… it's been a week."

"Yes" said the Ancient One, in horrifically calm tones. "And you have learned all you need to."

Hikaru stared at him numbly. "In a week?"

"Yes".

"And now comes the 'fighting horrific hellbeasts intent upon destroying the world' part?"

"Yes."

Hikaru gulped. "Umm—are you sure there isn't another lesson I could work on? Like that whole bit where you throw knives at me, and I try to stop them in midair? I really don't think I've got that down just right…"

The Ancient One gave a troubled sigh, that naturally managed to embody mystic wisdom. "Honestly, Gosunkugi, there are none so blind as those who will not see…"

Hikaru coughed. "Except of course, the—you know—actually blind…"

The Ancient One blinked. "Well, I suppose in a way, but—"

Hikaru shrugged. "I mean, I don't think you can get more blind than having the actual disability…"

"I was speaking metaphorically—"

Hikaru glanced at him, worried. "I thought that, at first, but then I figured the Ancient One would be much too wise, and sensitive to make comments about a genuine handicap, for the purposes of saying an aphorism that sounds like it came out of greeting card, or a fortune cookie."

The Ancient One rubbed his forehead. "Gosunkugi, forget my earlier comment."

Hikaru nodded. "It's out of my head, as if it was never spoken…"

"My point was," the Ancient One continued, "you are far more qualified then you imagine. You possess already the powers you need in your quest. I can help you no further. Any progression of your abilities you will have to do on your own."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "As the demons are trying to rend me limb from limb…"

The Ancient One nodded. "If needs be, yes."

"Would you give me a moment?" asked Hikaru, his expression drawn. "I need to—express my joy…"

The Ancient One gave him a silent nod. Hikaru left the room.

Five seconds later, the Ancient One heard a long, inarticulate scream of terror.

Ten minutes after that, Hikaru reentered the room, breathing heavily. "Okay, got THAT out of my system."

"Are you ready now to disembark?" the Ancient One asked mildly.

Hikaru sighed. "Well, I might as well get things done with…"

"Then you will need your mystic talismans, to aid you in your quest…"

"Because of course, any dignity that this endeavor might possess must be beaten out of it, as forcibly as possible," muttered Hikaru.

"What was that?" asked the Ancient One, as he walked to the back of the chamber.

"Just contemplating my place in the universe!" replied Hikaru loudly.

The Ancient One nodded. "Ahh. Good." He pulled out a certain length of cloth that Hikaru recognized immediately. "First of course, your Cloak of Levitation," the Ancient One said calmly.

Hikaru took the cloak with an expression that suggested boundless enthusiasm. "Why my beloved Cloak! How good to see it again! I had wondered so where it had gone to!"

"I found it in a canvas sack that had been buried six feet beneath the ground, under a rock," replied the Ancient One.

There was an awkward cough. "Well, that explains things," said Hikaru, his expression changing to one of utmost loathing as soon as the Ancient One's back was turned. "I will destroy you, one day," he muttered to the Cloak. "Mark my words."

"Secondly," chirped the Ancient One, "the Eye of Agomatto! A talisman that will allow you to see into the souls of men—and further!" He produced a large golden medallion that would have gone well with the outfit of any 70s' lounge lizard. "Also," he added, "it's very useful for fastening the Cloak of Levitation." He tossed it to Hikaru.

Hikaru caught it gingerly, and then gave it a rather distasteful stare. "Might as well complete the ensemble," he said in a tone that was starting to sound rather disheartened.

The Ancient One next pulled out a very large crystal ball. "And this is the Orb of Agomotto! Using it, you will discover the location of mystic threats to this world. In time, you will learn to use it to spy on any time, place, or dimension you desire." He tossed it at Hikaru, who missed it, and fell to the ground with a gasp as it struck him straight on in the chest.

The Ancient One was continuing, heedless. "And finally, the Book of Vishanti, which I entrust to your use and safe-keeping. The spells in here are your hope for salvation, but realize if it should fall into the hands—"

Hikaru was slowly straightening himself. "Would you wait just a moment? I'm still recovering from the Orb…"

"Oh," said the Ancient One quietly. "Certainly." He waited for Hikaru to finally stand up, and then handed him the Book. "Hikaru, listen to me. You must trust in your magic. It will lead you on the path of your destiny. It will gather allies around you, and show you how to best develop your powers. Never forget that."

Hikaru gave a dull nod. "Right." He lugged his various accoutrements awkwardly, as he exited the room to get his luggage. "Well, it's already doing a bang-up job…"

-----

The Ancient One watched from afar, using his mind as a telescope, as Hikaru struggled with his luggage getting into his ship. Despite himself, the Ancient One smiled slightly.

He wondered if he should tell Hikaru _exactly_ how powerful he was. How he had managed to bend the Book of Vishanti to his will on his first try—a nearly impossible feat. That in a week he had gained powers that took others years to aspire to.

__

But he would probably not believe me, thought the Ancient One. _And besides, perhaps the world needs a sorcerer supreme that can doubt himself_. A worn look came over his weathered face. _After all, we've had too many who couldn't and look where that led us_.

-----

In a place that really could say it _wasn't_ a place but a state of mind, IT stirred. There was something IT wanted. Something IT needed. Something—_glowing_. IT whispered to those minds most closely attuned to IT, and then waited. IT would be free in a little while. But IT had been free before and that hadn't lasted. This time, though—this time everything would go according to plan.

IT was certain…

-----

Hikaru stood out on the deck of the ship that was taking him to Tokyo. He took a deep breath, enjoying the salty air. This was, he thought, the first time he'd ever been on a ship, and not been violently ill. He liked to think it was a symbol of some kind, but most likely all the vertigo from his flying lessons had probably given him sea legs.

Still—he was starting an adventure. An insane, horrific adventure that probably prove fatal in very unpleasant ways—but still a long way from the state of utter despair he'd been in two months ago. Now he was going to amazing, improbable things.

Despite himself, a grin broke out on Hikaru's face.

A few feet away, a child burst into tears. Her mother comforted her. "Don't worry dear. The scary monster man won't hurt you…"

-----

Matsumoto Hiroya was a perfectly normal Japanese salaryman, who was polite and courteous to a fault. He was pleasant to his co-workers, kind to his family, and a dependable, if unspectacular worker. He was all in all the last man anybody expected anything unusual to happen to.

That morning, as Matsumoto was waiting for the subway, a rather shabby looking old man approached him. "Pardon me, sir. I was wondering if you could tell me what this says. I seemed to have misplaced my reading glasses."

"Certainly," said Matsumoto graciously, always ready to help his fellow man. The old man handed him a rather thin bit of yellow parchment with a very unpleasant texture to it. Matsumoto cleared his throat and began. "I invoke thee, oh three-mouthed render of souls. Ku—ku—ku…"

"I believe the word is 'Kuthargn'," offered the old man. "It means 'to tear asunder with great force' in the Elder tongue."

"Ah," nodded Matsumoto. "Thank you." With that he continued. "Kuthargn! The bindings that stay you break, oh great one! Be free to rend and slay once more. By my will, let it be so!" Matsumoto smiled and handed the old man his paper. "There you go."

The old man took it thankfully. "Much obliged, young man." He turned away. "Now if you will excuse me. I go to await joyous slaughter at the claws of my master."

Matsumoto smiled and waved goodbye. "Have a nice day, then." Yes, Matsumoto Hiroya was a pleasant, kindly man. But a bit on the naïve side.

Of course, that became completely irrelevant moments later, when he ceased to be a man, and instead became a bloody spray.

-----

Hikaru returned to Japan one rainy day on board the good ship, _Cote d'Ivorie_. He disembarked quickly at the docks, and after an incident involving his luggage, he made his way to Nerima first by taxi and then (after the taxi broke down in the middle of traffic) by foot.

He was just entering Nerima proper when he heard a familiar voice. "Heh. It's the freak."

Hikaru turned to see a gang of rather familiar street toughs, gathered around a rather battered-looking leader. The punk flexed his not inconsiderable muscles. "Maybe you didn't learn your lesson last time. We don't like your sort here."

Hikaru felt a sudden an urge to roll up into a ball and vanish but he reined it in. He didn't have to take this. "Well, I happen to live here. So just learn to ignore my presence, and I've no doubt everyone will be happier."

"Heh," grunted the thug. "Look at him. Thinks he's funny." The manner in which he said it made it clear that thinking you were funny was a major offense in his book. He cracked his knuckles. Hikaru winced. "Looks like I'm gonna have to deal out some pain.

Hikaru let go of his luggage, and raised his hand. Fine. The bastard wanted trouble—he'd give it to him. With a simple phrase Hikaru could have the Fires of Faltine burn him into a fine ash.

To be honest, it was rather unfair.

Hikaru stared, his senses already shifting into the mystic, as magick connections formed in his mind. As the incantations took shape, he saw into his opponent's mind, saw the bleak house that created him, the secret urges that pushed him on, the squalor that fed him.

Hikaru sighed. Great. Now, not only did he have an overwhelming advantage, he actually felt sympathy for his opponent, who was really just a said little pawn. He lowered his hand. "Look, I don't want any trou—"

The thug punched him in the stomach, then pushed him on the ground.

With a curse directed at his nascent conscience, Hikaru rose unsteadily. All right, forget reasoning with him. Just swat the guy like a bug, and then go away. Maybe just a forceful push against a wall would do the trick…

The tough paused. Somehow, his brain was registering Gosunkugi as big and menacing, even though that couldn't possibly be the case. Despite his self-assurance that Gosunkugi remained as weak and pathetic as ever, he still felt nervous about attacking him. The confusion in his mind resulted in a notable hesitation on his part.

And that hesitation gave the situation time to change.

A pair of confident footsteps approached. "Well what have we got here?" Hikaru glanced up and groaned. Nabiki was on the scene, as annoyingly self-assured as always. "Tell me, did I give you a blow to the head? Because amnesia is the only explanation I have for your actions. Gosunkugi is under my protection. Remember?" Nabiki glanced at the gang's leader in a manner that managed to be completely reasonable, and utterly terrifying.

The leader gulped and then forced on a show of bravado. "What's a matter Tendou? 'Fraid I'll mess up your boyfriend's face?" He laughed in a manner that seemed slightly strained. "Like that was possible."

Nabiki was not a person for heavy emotional response. In reaction to all that, her eyes merely took on an even more dangerous edge, and her smile became positively terrifying. "Honestly, do you want to tempt fate? I mean, even suggesting that I'm romantically connected with—well that—is a good way to find yourself in the mortuary, or the hospital, depending on my mood." She gave a light, horrible chuckle.

That was when his nerve broke. "Oh, shit," whimpered the gang leader softly, just before he turned heels and ran. The rest of the gang followed suit.

Hikaru glanced at Nabiki. "Thank you, Nabiki. Your sociopathic posturing has once again saved my skin at the cost of only my dignity, and whatever money I have in my pockets."

Nabiki's smile quickly turned into a frown. She was an intelligent person, but not a particularly imaginative one, and thus unexpected things displeased her. "That doesn't sound appropriately grateful. However, if I get my money I'll forget that you said it."

Hikaru shrugged. "In that case, I won't pay you." He turned around. "I'm rather proud of that remark—it was delivered well, in a reasonably assured tone of voice, and I think the content was cleverly handled. Having it be forgotten—it'd be a shame, really…"

Nabiki's frown jacked up another level of unpleasantness. "Tell me, Gosunkugi, do you know what will happen to you if you don't pay me?"

"You will beat me up, perhaps?" Hikaru said in a level tone of voice.

Nabiki laughed in a sepulchral manner. "Tell me Gosunkugi, why should I extend effort doing what others will do for me—at no cost to myself?"

Hikaru glanced at her. Nabiki didn't like the glance he gave her. There wasn't any fear in it. Instead there was a horrible look of condescension. "Personal satisfaction, perhaps?" He shrugged. "It's a thought."

Nabiki stepped forward, her fist raised. "Listen, you little imbecile, I don't know what you're getting from provoking me like this…"

"I'm getting closure, Nabiki Tendou," Hikaru stated in a tone that was surprisingly authoritarian. "I'm seeing now you aren't a god, or a monster, but a scared, angry little girl who's trying to bluff through life by getting money and power." He leaned forward. "They don't work, Nabiki. All they do is make you lonelier, and lonelier." Hikaru turned around. "Not that I expect you to listen. You're one of those people who already know everything, so nobody can tell you anything. Rather enviable state of existence, really. The rest of us mortals wish we had that sort of assurance."

Nabiki felt it then. Anger. Hikaru had never meant much of anything to her before—just a man with plenty of money who could be parted from it rather easily. But right now, she really would have been made extremely happy to see his broken form before her. Quite possibly in several pieces. "If you think I'm going to be insulted…"

"Leave," stated Hikaru simply. "I'm not paying you anything, anymore. I don't want to discuss this anymore today."

Nabiki turned around and seethed. Slowly, her anger fell from her like water from a sheet of plastic. Gosunkugi was just being daft. He probably had gotten sunstroke in India, and didn't know what he was doing. That was why he'd insulted her like that. It would pass. That was why she had left him alone. She'd known that deep inside.

Plus, she really hadn't wanted to discuss it anymore today.

Hikaru waited until Nabiki was a sizable distance away, then breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow—his bluff had worked. Nabiki hadn't attacked him. His hands shook slightly.

You know maybe fighting demons wouldn't be so bad.

"Hikaru?"

Five seconds after hearing that familiar voice, Hikaru realized that fighting demons was infinitely better then some options. "A-Akane." He gave a reflexive nod. "Nice to see you." He gave another reflexive nod.

Akane looked him over, oddly. "Are you all right, Hikaru?"

Hikaru gave another reflexive nod. "Of course. Perfectly fine."

Akane's eyes showed that she rather doubted that. "You just seem—kind of twitchy."

Hikaru barely stopped himself from nodding again. "It's nothing really. Just being back home, and all that…"

Akane seemed to accept that explanation, or sorry excuse for one. "Nabiki seemed upset."  
"Oh, I wouldn't worry," said Hikaru. "Your sister has a real genius for ignoring things she doesn't like…"

Akane nodded in unhearing agreement. "So, how was India?"

Hikaru took a deep breath. He had to be careful in what he told her—no one could suspect the truth. "Oh, fine," he began. "I faced off against a powerful demonic wizard, and became apprenticed to a sorcerer." Hikaru buried his face in his palm. Oh, crap. That was a mistake. He needed to move the conversation along quickly. He recalled Akane mentioning a trip to him once…

"So how was Norway?"

"Nice," replied a smiling Akane. "I defeated a bunch of invading stone aliens, and assumed the power of the Goddess of Thunder."

"Ahh," said Hikaru, nodding. "That sounds lovely." He gave a nervous grin. _Well_, he thought, _she apparently thinks I've gone mad and is humoring me_.

Akane smiled and nodded back at him. _Poor Hikaru_, she thought. _He finally snapped_. _ I really shouldn't make fun of him though—after all nobody can suspect the truth_.

-----

"'—So next time you hear the circus is town,'" Kagome recited enthusiastically, "'remember it may be the Circus of Crime!'" She glanced up at her partner. "This one's going into the scrapbook!"

Inu-Yasha glanced at her from across the room. He'd been pacing a great deal lately, like an animal in a cage that was too small. "Kagome, it barely mentions us."

Kagome sighed, as she took out a pair of scissors. "Inu-Yasha we are a major section of that article."

Inu-Yasha moved next to her with startling speed, and picked up the article. "'The Circus of Crime was thwarted by a pair of as yet unidentified superheroes.'", he read in a hurried tone. He glanced at her scornfully. "Oh, yeah, a major section, all right…"

Kagome grabbed the paper. "It's going into the scrapbook," she stated definitely. "Now let go—I don't want to tear it."

Inu-Yasha relented. Turning away, he stated quietly, "I just don't see what the big deal is…"

Kagome chuckled. "We're learning to work together as a team."

Inu-Yasha's expression hinted at disbelief, in the same manner that explosions hint of bombs. "Kagome, we already were working together as a team."

"Ah!" she said enthusiastically. "But not a _super_ team!"

Inu-Yasha sighed. That sort of thinking was, when you got down to it, undefeatable. "Kagome—I—I wouldn't get so worked up about this…"

Kagome turned and gave him…_the look_. _The look_ managed to be innocent and infuriated and threatening and endearing all at once, and when Inu-Yasha was on the receiving end, he never had an idea on how to deal with it. "Getting worked up? I'm not getting worked up!" Kagome bit her lip. "We're superheroes! We beat supervillains. It's important." She finished cutting out the article and placed it next to "Witnesses See Dog-boy and Cat-girl" and "Are Animal People Foiling Crime in Tokyo?".

Inu-Yasha leaned back. "Look—I don't know if a group of midgets, tumblers, an' clowns who steal things count as supervillains…"

Kagome stared at him angrily. "Yes they do! They have cool nicknames!"

Inu-Yasha groaned. "Kagome—I—I just don't wanna be a superhero. It seems like a waste of time."

Kagome stared at him, as if she'd been struck. "What's—what's wrong with being a superhero?"

The look on Kagome's face made Inu-Yasha feel guilty—which of course made him resent her more. "Well, for starters there's that name you gave me."

Kagome gasped. ""Oh! And what's wrong with be called 'Son of Satan'?"

Inu-Yasha scratched his chin. "Well, let's see—maybe—I don't know—'cause my dad's name ain't SATAN!"

Kagome turned around, and gave a dismissive shrug. "It's just supposed to be catchy. It doesn't matter if it's accurate."

Inu-Yasha slouched, his expression worried. "But—Kagome—I—" He straightened and looked at her. "You've been weird lately."

Kagome glanced at him, scandalized. "WEIRD!" she said, waving her scissors around. "I _defy_ you to show that I'm weird!"

Inu-Yasha backed away as the scissors came exceedingly close to his face. "Where do I start? The costumes—the names—the way you make speeches now…"

Kagome placed her hands on her hips, just narrowly avoiding stabbing herself in the thigh. "I DO NOT MAKE SPEECHES!" She glanced away. "I say enheartening words in the fight against evil."

"It's the same thing!"

"Completely different," Kagome stated definitively.

Inu-Yasha glanced at the floor. "I'm just—starting to wonder—what's the point?"

"The POINT?" Kagome was now livid. "The _point_ is saving lives! The _point_ is making a difference! The _point_ is being a beacon of hope in a world beset by darkness!"

Inu-Yasha grabbed her shoulders forcefully. "We can do all that as INU-YASHA and KAGOME!!" He shut his eyes, his arms slumping down to his side. "I just want to be Inu-Yasha and Kagome. Like we used to be…"

Kagome turned away, and sniffled. She looked, rather embarrassed. After a moment, she spoke. "I—I'm sorry, Inu-Yasha. I guess, I just—forgot about how you feel—in all the—excitement…" She sat back down and rested her head on the desk. "It's just…"

She sighed.

"When I was a little girl, my father used to read me stories about—well, the superheroes. I—I just loved that there were people like that –brave people who did what had to be done to keep everyone safe. And when my father…" She shut her eyes. "When he died, I started reading them myself, as a way of—keeping him here, and that made me want to be one. But I got older, and realized I couldn't be, so I just—chose to forget about it. And then—then I met you, and superheroes started showing up everywhere, and I realized I had the chance to—do it." She smiled ruefully. "To be a superhero." She glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Silly, huh?"

Inu-Yasha was quiet for a moment, looking guiltily at the floor. "I'm…sorry, Kagome."

Kagome's eyes widened in surprise, as she watched Inu-Yasha glance away awkwardly. "Sorry? What for?"

He shut his eyes. "For bein' a big jerk." He took a deep breath. "We can keep up the superhero deal. I don't mind."

Kagome leaped forward and gave him a hug. "Oh, Inu-Yasha!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "Umm, Kagome…"

Kagome seemed to suddenly realize what she was doing, and let go, then backed away, awkwardly. "Umm—right. Thank you…" The pair made pointed glances away from each other, and fidgeted for a while, before a distraction entered the room in the form of a meowing cat.

Kagome immediately turned. "Kilala!" She scooped up the small white cat with black patches (whose tail, the observant onlooker would have noticed, seemed to be on fire) and began to coddle it. "You're such a good kitty! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"

Inu-Yasha rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you make such a big deal about that cat."

Kagome glanced at him offended while stroking Kilala's head. "Kilala wound up with us here after the explosion. It has to mean something…"

"It means that she hid in your pocket," muttered Inu-Yasha peevishly.

Kagome looked up. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

-----

Hikaru, smiling slightly, held up the shirt he'd just spent the last hour sewing a yin-yang symbol onto. He'd done a rather good job, actually—the yin-yang was positioned perfectly in the shirt's center, divided into two, each half fitting together perfectly to form the whole. He'd even positioned it, so the buttons were incorporated into the design as the balancing energies. And to finish it off, he'd marked it off from the rest from the rest of the shirt by a thin line of silver thread.

__

Well, thought Hikaru, _that's four hours killed_. _Now I've got to worry about the slow destruction of the world's protective barriers before an insidious onslaught of demonic invaders_… He sighed. _I think I'll worry about my costume for a little while longer_…

He put on the shirt, then snapped on the final touch—a harmless bit of vanity that he was already slightly ashamed of—a pair of circling serpent cufflinks he'd found in India and bought on impulse. He glanced into the mirror.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. He actually looked—well, somewhat impressive. Now all he needed to add was…

He winced. The Cloak.

The idea had occurred to him on the trip back. Reading the newspapers, he'd noted that in the month or so he'd been gone, a great change had come over Japan—it was beset by superheroes. It seemed nearly half the articles dealt with the doing of brave men and women who wore spandex without the least sense of shame or even regret. It had seemed obvious to him that posing as a superhero would be the best way to about his business in Tokyo.

Otherwise he was afraid he might be mistaken for a pimp wearing that damn Cloak of Levitation, something his sallow complexion and limited physique would only act to confirm. Hikaru was not going to be booked on an ethics charge.

Not again.

No he was sure he'd seem fairly sedate by superhero standards. Well, reasonably sure. He thought anyway. He slipped on the Cloak.

Hikaru sighed. Well, he had accomplished his goal. He no longer looked like a pimp.

He looked like a pimp who had recently converted to Taoism.

Hikaru turned to his dresser. Fortunately he was prepared for this eventuality. He snapped on a domino mask, then glanced back at the mirror.

Now he looked like a Taoist pimp who was attending a costume ball.

Well, there was a last chance of avoiding recognition. He slipped the pantyhose over his head.

Now he looked like a Taoist pimp who was going to commit a mugging, on his way to a costume ball.

Hikaru took both of his makeshift disguises off. It appeared that this was his—best option. He sighed. Well, if any of his classmates saw him, he'd just pretend not to know them. After all, what chance was there of them automatically recognizing a ghastly pale young man wearing a distinctive outfit?

Hikaru groaned. Life really wasn't fair, when you got down to it…

He took a deep breath, and turned to the Orb of Agomotto. He'd managed to set it up on his desk as a paperweight, telling his parents he'd gotten it as a memento in India. Now, the Ancient One had told him that it would help him locate threats to this world…but hadn't actually mentioned how to use it.

Hikaru stared at it, for a moment. Maybe—maybe if he thumped it a little… but no, it looked rather delicate. He placed his hand on top of it.

A brilliant light began to shine from the center of the Eye. Strange images flooded Hikaru's mind, which then began to crystallize with startling clarity.

Hikaru stood there for a moment, silent. Finally, he uttered two words, quietly.

"Oh, crap…"

-----

IT was free now. ITs servants had seen to that and they had received the honor of death at ITs claws for that service.

The killing had been good.

ITS initial impulse had been to do more, but IT was clever enough to realize that it was not ready yet. There was something IT needed—something that shone. Once it had that, it could slay till the ground ran red.

Oh, it would be sweet.

IT felt pleasure at these thoughts. In the past, IT would not be capable of such planning. IT would be wild and heedless and slay until IT was stopped. But things were different this time. IT felt—calmer. More in control. This time, the conditions were just right. And not just for IT.

No, for all ITs old friends as well.

-----

"The jewel's properties were first discovered in 1806, by Carl von Herzog," began Henry Exposition, a lieutenant in SHIELD. "Prior to that, it had been in the possession of a noted Chinese family who credited it with magical powers."

Sergeant Michael Cross glanced at his companion. "So actually, the properties were discovered earlier by the family—or possibly someone else before them."

Exposition gave a snobbish sniff, as he turned the van in traffic. "I was using "discovered" in the classical sense—'noticed by someone of European descent'."

Cross scowled. "Right." He hated Henry. The Expositions were a big family in SHIELD—one encountered them everywhere—and everywhere they were the same didactic, pontificating blabbermouths who were always willing to talk your ears off. Still, every now and then, there was a bit of vital information hid away among all the hot air.

"All right—accepting that definition, what did Von Herzog discover?"

"That the jewel seemed to emit some sort of strange energy that responded to human emotions."

"That was all?"

"Well, he was going to do further research, but he was struck by lightening. At least they think he was—there was a storm the night he died, and the smoldering stumps of his legs were found…"

"Right," muttered Cross.

"Anyway, the shard passed to his cousin, Wilhelm Von Gunzt, who confirmed its properties before drowning in a bowl of soup."

"A bowl of soup?"

"Wilhelm suffered from narcolepsy. He sort of nodded off during a feast. Unfortunately, Mozart was playing that night, and he was at the height of his popularity. He'd been lying face first in gazpacho soup for about an hour before anyone noticed."

Michael sighed. "And then?"

Exposition shrugged. "Then the shard passed to Wilhelm's brother, Randolph, who published a pamphlet on its properties. Unfortunately, he also published a pamphlet on the glories of communal gardening, and was arrested and executed as a Rosicrucian."

"Just for publishing a gardening tract?"

"It was a politically explosive time. Plus, he'd once made the mistake of comparing the Crown Prince's wife to a bratwurst." Henry coughed at that, then continued. "Randolph's pamphlet interested one Edmund Fitzroy, a wealthy English financier, who purchased the shard, and an hour later, was hit by a cart, which dragged his body twenty three miles, before crashing in a ditch."

Michael gave a whistle. "What a way to die…"

"Oh, he didn't die." Exposition thought that over. "Though to be fair, he lost all of his higher faculties, and had to be spoon-fed pease porridge for the remaining years of his life." He tapped his fingers lightly on the steering wheel. "After that, the jewel remained in his family's possession well into the mid-20th century, when it was bought by SHIELD through a dummy company. It was then kept in cold storage after the regrettable incident with Assistant Director Harker…"

"What was that?" interjected Cross.

"He sort of melted…"

"How do you 'sort of melt'?"

"The experts are still asking that question. It may have been something he ate."

Cross winced.

"Anyway the shard stayed in storage until Arturo Garibaldi brought it out during his term as Director of Research. Garibaldi quickly discovered an accurate way of harnessing the crystal's energy after slipping in the shower one day, and designed the 'U-ray'."

Cross glanced at Exposition. "Is this the same Arturo Garibaldi who liked to receive enemas from transvestites?"

Exposition frowned. "Now, Michael, it is a low act indeed to dwell on the personal foibles of one of SHIELD's greatest researchers…"

"Okay," Cross sighed. "Fine. But didn't he blow himself up in a faulty experiment?"

"Honestly! While it's true Garibaldi suffered a mishap with his temporal transponder, it could hardly be termed 'blowing himself up', as it was nonfatal. Garibaldi is well on the road to recovery."

"They found his head in Newark! Just his head!"

"Ahh," said Exposition sagely, "but when they found it, it was smoking a cigar, and winked at them. I've no doubt that Garibaldi will manage to pull himself together eventually. Why just last year, he was seen in a gentleman's club in Los Angeles, and he'd managed to work himself up to an almost complete torso, missing only a left arm."

Cross felt a burning urge to free himself of that image.

"So what about the 'U-ray'?"

Exposition shrugged. "SHIELD checked the plans, then subcontracted them out to Akamatsu Industries Limited. They put it together with virtually no incident—aside from the spontaneous combustion of half the staff, of course."

"Half the staff…?"

"Well, when you actually consider it, it's not so unusual. There are perhaps several hundred cases of spontaneous combustion a year—and it is only natural that some would happen to individuals who greatly resemble each other—for example, who share a place of employment."

Cross was completely silent for a moment. Finally he glanced at Exposition. "So that's the history of the item we're picking up?"

Henry nodded. "More or less."

"Perfect," grumbled Cross.

"Oh, don't be silly," laughed Exposition as he turned onto a rather deserted street. "What could possibly go wrong?"

-----

Yuka was a perfectly normal young girl, whose only real flaw (if you could call it that) was a definite tendency to stay out late. Her parents had always told her that this would get her into trouble.

Not even they had imagined that this trouble might take the form of being pulled into an alleyway by a creature that looked like a combination of spider, an octopus, and bit of rotting food that'd been in the refrigerator far too long, but this was mostly due to a lack of imagination on their parts.

Yuka was not especially brave, so she screamed a great deal as this happened, and looked around frantically. She couldn't die like this! She just couldn't. Something had to happen.

Against all reason something did.

"Blast of the Five Winds!" cried a voice. A furious blast of wind tore at the creature. It turned. A figure stood at the opposite end of the alley. Feeling angry at having its fun interrupted, the beast charged towards it. "Rain of Iron!" said the figure, a shower of iron nails tearing into the creature, pinning it to the opposite wall. It squealed horribly, then dissolved into a patch of nasty oilish smoke. Yuka glanced at her savior.

He was much shorter than she'd thought he'd be.

"Umm, hello…" said Hikaru, nervously. It was just his luck he'd run into a classmate on his first night out.

Yuka stared at him. That pallor—that dark clothing—those sunken eyes—she recognized him. "I know you!" she cried.

Hikaru winced. _Here it comes_, he thought.

"Count Dracula!" Yuka cried. She rushed towards him, craning her neck at a very odd angle. "Have you come to make me one of your unholy brides?"

Hikaru looked at her in disbelief. Finally, he coughed. "I'm not… Dracula."

Yuka looked distinctly disappointed at that. "Oh." Suddenly, the eager look reappeared on her face. "Well, you're still going to suck my blood so that I can spend eternity under your thrall, right?"

Hikaru began to nervously tap his fingers together. "I'm not a vampire." He cleared his throat, and glanced around. "Actually, the whole blood-sucking thing always struck me as unhygienic…"

Yuka was looking at him with bored suspicion. "Well, if you're not a vampire, why are you wearing a cape?"

Hikaru glanced away, looking acutely embarrassed. "I'm a superhero."

Yuka's eyes widened. "Really?" She looked at him, amazed. "Wow. I've never met a superhero before." Her gaze seemed to adjust down to speculative. "I've never heard of one wearing an outfit like that…"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well—there's no dress code, so I decided to go for a unique look…"

"Or having such a scrawny, underdeveloped musculature."

Hikaru winced. "Umm—right—well, I've been meaning to hit the gym, one of these days…"

Yuka continued. "Or being so grotesquely ugly…"

Hikaru glared at her. "Look—I didn't see you dealing with that Hrr'grakai demon! When you can command the Five Elements to do your bidding, then you can critique me, understand?"

"Are you sure you're not a vampire?" Yuka asked, ignoring him. She glanced over again. "Or maybe a zombie?"

Hikaru was actually starting to regret saving her. "Yes, I'm sure."

Yuka gave a skeptical nod. "And what do you call yourself?"

Hikaru blinked. He had forgotten to give himself an alias. "Why, I'm—" He began to hem and haw. He needed something vaguely authoritarian, but snappy. The lighter side of fascism, more or less. And of course, it had to be mystical. Shaman? Too vague. Brother Voodoo? Much too silly. Morbius, the Living Vampire?

Hikaru blinked. He had no idea where that last one came from. Yuka was looking at him with growing doubt. "Doctor—" Doctor—yes—that was the ticket, friendly, but commanding. Now, what next…?

These musings were interrupted by the anomaly in the end of the alley.

"Strange," he muttered softly. "That shouldn't be here…"

Yuka glanced around. "What shouldn't be here, Dr. Strange?"

Hikaru paused. Apparently she thought his confused strugglings for a name and his statement of puzzlement were directly connected. He turned the name over in his head. Dr. Strange. Pretty good actually. Managed to imply mystery without sounding too ridiculous, AND it was easy to remember. He coughed slightly. "There's an anomaly over there—a—well, a gateway. To a BAD place. A really bad place. A place where your friend is actually the standard of beauty. Which is why you should get going. Preferably now."

Yuka nodded. "All right." As she started to move away, she stopped a moment, and glanced at Hikaru. "Do you think you could at least _gnaw_ on my neck a little…?"

"SCRAM!" shouted Hikaru, waving his fist.

Yuka scurried away. Hikaru turned back to the anomaly. His crusade against the powers of evil had taught him one thing, at least.

When the lights go out the _real_ freaks come out, and sometimes they aren't the people you'd expect. It was going to be a long time before he could look at some of the people on his street without shuddering.

And along that note, he should remember to avoid Yuka like the plague. Not that that would prove especially difficult, as she existed in a completely different social circle then him.

The little fetishistic weirdo…

Hikaru was at this point, three feet from the anomaly, and that's when things got—well, not unusual, but _more_ unusual, perhaps.

****

AH. **HELLO, MORTAL**, a voice spoke in his mind. The voice's tone—not there was actual sound to it—was haughty and commanding. **I SEE YOU DEFEATED MY HERALD**. **THAT WAS GOOD—FOR A MORTAL**.

Hikaru sighed. "I suppose…." He glanced around. "So who are you, and why do I hear your voice in my head, instead of God telling me that I'm the Angel of Death, and the bloody harvest is about to begin?"

This seemed to puzzle the entity.** EH**?

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Sarcasm. That's right. I forget you evil demonic overlords generally don't have senses of humor."

****

OH, said the entity, a general feeling unease coming from its thoughts, before being masked once again by bravado and boasting. **LISTEN WELL**, **MORTAL**, **FOR I AM** **HE-WHO-DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS**.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. "You must pay a small fortune for monograms."

While he didn't hear an unintelligible grumble he _felt_ it. **LISTEN**, **SORCERER**, **I TOLD YOU TRUE—YOU DID WELL, FOR A MORTAL**. ** BUT THE GREATEST MORTAL IS FOR ME NO MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN THE GREATEST GRAIN OF SAND**.

"You know, people have been killed by grains of sand…" commented Hikaru.

****

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?, came back the rather shocked thought.

"Nothing," replied Hikaru. "Just trying to make conversation. I know how much you guys like the sound of—no, that doesn't work—well, the feel of your own thought patterns, I guess." He shrugged. "I'm just giving you material to work with. Really, you should be thankful."

****

LISTEN, FLEA, DO YOU DARE INSULT ME? HE-WHO-

"-Dwells-In-Darkness," muttered Hikaru diffidently. "I heard it the first time. And yes. I guess I do."

****

CHURL! **I WILL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB**! **I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR ENTRAILS, AND USE THEM AS CHEWING GUM**! **I WILL SLAUGHTER ALL IN YOUR WORLD**, **UNTIL THE SEA RUNS RED WITH BLOOD**!

Hikaru smiled. "That sounds very impressive. Care to step outside and say that?"

****

WHAT? There was a nervous touch to the demon lord's mental tone. **UMM—MAYBE LATER. HOW ABOUT FIRST I SEND SOME MORE MINIONS OUT TO GET** **YOU**…?

Hikaru shrugged. "Bit of a waste of time. Do you know how many demonic invasions I have to handle tonight? I'm three down, and I still have five more to go. Nope, got to get this one done quickly. I think I'll just enter your dimension, and engage you into a struggle to the death."

****

NOO! **YOU CAN'T**! **I—I'VE GOT A COLD**! **AND I'M NOT DRESSED**! **IT WOULD BE REALLY _REALLY_ EMBARASSING**.

Hikaru sighed. "Well, then you leave me no choice…" He started to walk forward. "Just going to have to destroy your portal."

****

LOOK, came the nervous thought pattern, **I—I WAS JUST JOKING**. **I'M NOT _REALLY_ GOING TO MAKE THE SEAS RUN RED WITH BLOOD**.

Hikaru walked into the anomaly. "Not much of a joke."

****

PLEASE—THIS PORTAL—IT'S MY ONLY CHANCE TO MAKE IT IN THE NETHERWORLD! **WHEN YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING—THE OTHER DEMONS, THEY EXPECT ALL SORTS OF POSING**! **IT'S ALL BULLSHIT! HONEST! HELL, MY NAME ISN'T REALLY HE-WHO-DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS—IT'S NORM**!

"That's very interesting to know," stated Hikaru, as he vanished into the anomaly.

****

ALL RIGHT, **PAL**! **YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT**! **I'M NO SLOUCH IN THE FIGHTING DEPARTMENT**! **PREPARE TO ENTER A UNIVERSE OF PAIN**!

About five minutes later, Hikaru exited the anomaly, and completed the job of closing it. "That was underwhelming." He rubbed his eyes. "Oh, great. I think the lighting in there gave me a headache…" And so, Hikaru Gosunkugi strode out into the night, looking for a 24 hour drugstore that sold cheap aspirin.

-----

"Night falls, in a nightish sort of way. And when it falls, night's solitary warriors…"

Inu-Yasha gave a frustrated sigh. "How are we solitary Kagome? There's two of us." Kagome had been giving these 'introductory monologues' for about a month now, and he was starting worry.

"Quiet! I'm establishing mood here. Ahem—when it falls, night's solitary warriors, Hellcat and Son of Satan spring into action! Defeating badness! Defending goodness! Supporting pleasantness! And also niceness! But not ickiness! That's right out! Son of Satan, are you with me?"

Inu-Yasha considered saying no, but really couldn't let Kagome down like that. "Sure. Hurray for niceness. Wooh."

"Right!" cried Kagome. "To the Hellcat-Cycle!"

The Hellcat-Cycle had been just 'Kagome's bicycle' before, but after the superhero deal began, it had gotten a cheap plastic cat decal attached to it, and become—THE HELLCAT-CYCLE! Manually powered transport—of SUPERHEROES!

Inu-Yasha groaned. Great. Now _he_ was doing it.

Kagome meanwhile, was busily peddling away.

"Come on, Son of Satan! There're deeds of daring-do to do!"

"I'm comin', I'm comin'…" muttered Inu-Yasha, as he started to run behind her.

-----

Hikaru, after foiling six attempted invasions of the Earth by demonic entities of various stripes, was really getting tired of his new job.

Maybe it was because the only pay he received was a sense of satisfaction of job well done, or at least done. Well, that and his continued existence. Which _might_ be a plus, he admitted.

Maybe it was because the average demon was a grotesque mockery of all life. With absolutely no taste, and even less of a sense of humor. He'd had to raid several demonic dimensions, all of which featured flowing rivers of blood, strobe lighting, and "You Don't Have to Be Damned to Work Here—But It Helps!" signs on the walls.

Hikaru took a deep sip of his rather indifferent, lukewarm latte. A paper airplane that had been painstakingly folded from a napkin struck him on the back of the head.

Or perhaps, he appended, it was all the mockery his outfit was attracting as he paused to get refreshed at an all-night café.

Hikaru turned abruptly. "All right you creep, I seem to recall that this is a free country, where a man can stop for a cup of coffee, and not have to worry about persecution based on the way he dresses."

The entire clientele of the café glanced at him, and then glanced pointedly away.

"I'll have you know I have a perfectly good reason for wearing this outfit!" Hikaru began to wave his fist. "I am a SUPERHERO!"

The crowd continued to pointedly glance away.

Hikaru sat back down. "Ingrates," he muttered under his breath. Maybe he should just let the N'Gai toast a city district. That would show them…

The café's waitress approached him. "Anything else?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Tell me, if I order another latte, would it actually be hot?"

The waitress shrugged. "Miracles have been known to happen."

Hikaru frowned. "That's what I thought…" He handed her a few bills. "Keep the change…" The waitress nodded and headed out. Hikaru sighed. He shouldn't have flown off the handle like that. After all, it was just a paper airplane. He'd dealt with worse his entire life. At least right now, he was having a quiet moment, after an eventful stress-filled night.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, night owls, prepare for a stick-up of the most figurative kind! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru's head slumped down to the countertop. Well, at least his luck was holding out. All bad. Righting himself, he turned to look at this new threat.

Hikaru blinked. Then he blinked again, to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. Then he blinked a third time, in the desperate hope that he was. However, it appeared he wasn't. The café really was about to be robbed by a man dressed largely in purple spandex—right up to the cowl on his rather vulpine face. The man's gloves and boots were both a light red in color, and in his left hand, he held what looked for all the world like a military attempt at designing a squirt gun.

"Tremble, yes tremble fools at my awesome might! It will consume you! Quail before my power! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru's teeth ground together at the apparent supervillain's high-pitched laughter. _Maybe if I just sit here quietly, this will blow over_, he thought. _I mean, it's not like I owe these people anything_. _I've already saved their sorry carcasses tonight, and I'm going to do it again_. _I can sit this one out_. _Might teach them a lesson_. That was when he caught a desperate glance from the waitress. "Damn social conscience…" muttered Hikaru, standing up.

"Attention, supervillain!" he stated in his best attempt at a loud commanding voice. "Before you stands Dr. Strange, self appointed nemesis to unpleasantness. Now cease your criminal activities and inordinate cackling or face my completely justifiable wrath."

"Oh, really?" snorted the villain. "And tell me, Doctor are you ready to face the uncanny power of—PASTE-POT PETE?!!"

Hikaru's face went slack. "What?"

"I said, 'are you ready to face the uncanny power of Paste-pot Pete'?" His opponent frowned. "What are you, deaf?"

Hikaru buried his face in his hands. The universe, he felt, was an unjustifiably silly place, sometimes.

Paste-pot Pete (who was known to family and—well, acquaintances, as Katsuhiku Jinnai) smiled to himself. His first act of supervillainy was already a roaring success. His superhero opponent had been reduced to quivering terror at the very mention of his name! Soon, very soon, Makoto Mizuhara would be defeated!

All right—so technically, this was his _second_ act of supervillainy. His first, an attempted bank robbery, had derailed fairly quickly. He'd handed a note saying "Prepare to get sticky" to a teller, and then had waited half an hour, at which point a pair of muscular security guards had shown up, and forcibly hauled him off, explaining as they did so that the bank didn't want perverts intent on monkey business hanging around the premises.

Fortunately, no one had noted the beginning of his career in crime, and Jinnai had been able to take away two very important lessons.

Firstly, banks are far too heavily protected to be robbed with impunity. It would be wiser to go for a place that _wasn't_ expecting it.

Secondly, his impromptu costume of an artist's smock and dark glasses just didn't seem to grab people's attention, at least, not in a way that screamed 'supervillain'.

Jinnai gave a satisfied nod. Purple spandex had definitely been the way to go.

Hikaru, after a couple of deep breaths, glanced up. "Okay," he announced. "My burst of existential horror is over. I accept the terrifying fact that a man may want to dress in spandex and call himself Pasty Pete—"

"That's Paste-Pot Pete!" cried Jinnai, menacingly waving his gun around.

"Right," said Hikaru in the calm cool tone that is generally used by men of extraordinary patience on children of remarkable intransigence. "As I was saying, it's the sort of thinking that gives the world quite a few rock stars." Hikaru's toe was starting to tap impatiently on the floor. "But what puzzles me is what superpowers a man called Post-Haste Pete—"

"I said, that's Paste-Pot Pete!" screamed Jinnai.

"Dear me," said Hikaru. "Did I misspeak myself? Must be the lateness of the hour. To continue, what powers might he possess?"

"A worthy question," cackled Jinnai. "My power comes from my brilliant invention, the paste pistol!" Jinnai glanced at his creation lovingly. Well, truthfully it was that bastard Mizuhara's invention, which Jinnai had… liberated from his lab, but still, his nemesis had been blind to its more advanced applications. In fact, he had built it for nothing more than to fix a few loose tiles on the school roof, showing as usual the inferiority of his so-called genius in comparison to the incomparable mind of Katsuhiko Jinnai. "With this I shall become one of the leading lights of the criminal world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru seemed to be staring at him rather strangely. "I'm happy for you. So—your—paste pistol…" Hikaru bit his lip, in apparent frustration. "It shoots—paste, I'm guessing?"

Jinnai snickered. "That's right! A very sticky paste! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru nodded. "That's what I thought." He nodded some more. "Would you just—give me a second…?" Hikaru turned around, glanced at the café's patrons, and screamed. "All right people!" he shouted. "Would a reasonably fit man care to take a chair to the back of Pastel Pete's head?"

"That's Paste-Pot Pete!" cried Jinnai.

"Shut up!" said Hikaru forcibly. He glanced back at the crowd. "Come on! He's a scrawny young man who is trying to hold you up with a glue gun! Am I the only one here who realizes the inherent absurdity of this fact?"

The other patrons made it a point of order to avoid looking at Hikaru.

"You all suck," muttered Hikaru. "I want you to realize that…"

"What to do you mean 'inherent absurdity'? Are you insulting me, you cape-wearing lunatic?"

"Yes, I'm insulting you because you are probably one of the most intrinsically incompetent supervillains in existence," seethed Hikaru. "Have you ever considered the obvious limitations of your 'power'? Suppose, for example, that you are robbing a bank. The manager knows the combination to the safe. He won't open it. What do you do?"

"Simple," snickered Jinnai. "I'd tell him to do it, or face a blast from my paste pistol."

"And what would that do?"

"It would—make him very sticky…" stated Jinnai, a touch of uncertainty trailing into his voice.

"And why would that be threatening?" Hikaru asked quietly.

"He—really doesn't like being sticky…" Jinnai's expression was now openly confused.

"It's not threatening at all!" Hikaru shouted. "If you'd have thought about it, you'd have known it! You'd have seen your only superpower is using a gun that's less effective than a normal gun!"

"It—it makes people sticky!" Jinnai muttered defensively.

"A normal gun makes people dead," replied Hikaru. "Being dead is much worse than being sticky."

"Oh—oh, shut up!" screamed Jinnai raising his paste pistol. "No one insults my reign of supervilliany…" He pulled the trigger.

A trickle of brownish fluid leaked out of the muzzle. "What—? " Jinnai muttered in shock.

"Oh, yes," said Hikaru in a rather amused tone. "While we were chatting, I transformed your glue to molasses."

Jinnai stared at him in dull surprise.

"Or maybe treacle." Hikaru began to tap his chin, in speculation. "Actually, those might be the same thing…"

"You're working for him, aren't you?" Jinnai stated hatefully. "You're working for Makoto Mizuhara!"

Hikaru glanced at Jinnai, baffled. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" screamed Jinnai. "This is just another one of that bastard's attempts to bring me down! Well, Paste-Pot Pete is not as easy to defeat as Katsuhiku Jinnai!" He triumphantly pulled out a greenish cylinder from his back pocket. "Behold! A second load of ammunition!"

Hikaru sighed. "You really take too much relish in even the smallest triumphs, you know that?"

Jinnai changed his canisters quickly, then leveled the gun at Hikaru. "Let's see you get out of this one!"

Hikaru stared at him forcibly.

Jinnai blinked. "Gettin' sleepy…" he muttered. "Go night-night now…" With that he crashed to the floor and within minutes was laying there in a fetal position, snoring.

"Had to keep at it, didn't you?" Hikaru shook his head. He turned to the café patrons. "And thus was the scary Potboy Pete, wielder of the mighty glue gun, vanquished." He walked out. "Don't expect me to be so helpful next time…"

Shortly after he left the patrons glanced at each other. "Well, it seems that shrill, ugly fellow really was a superhero!"

"Yes. We're all in his debt it seems."

"What was his name again?" asked one.

"Ummmm… I think it was "Professor Weird, or something…" said another, uncertainly.

"No, daddy, I'm a good boy…" whimpered an unconscious Jinnai from the floor. "It was Nanami…" He began to suck his thumb nervously.

-----

The time was coming. IT could feel the circumstances aligning. A few more adjustments, and it would be done…

There. Finished. Now IT just had to wait. IT hated waiting. IT wanted to be killing. IT wanted to feel blood pour down ITs throats. IT wanted to enjoy the suffering of mortals…

But IT could wait for a little while longer. This was going to work. Just a little more time…

-----

"Come on, Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome.

Inu-Yasha glanced around. "This doesn't look like our usual street."

Kagome stopped the bike, and glanced at him. "Umm, what do you mean?"

Inu-Yasha looked at the buildings. "Well—we sorta aren't on that street we usually patrol around now."

Kagome looked around and blinked. "Ummm—you're right." She shook her head and began to pedal again. "Well, let's go on!"

"What?" Inu-Yasha darted alongside her.

Kagome shrugged. "We're just varying our patrol. After all, there's probably evil for us to deal with here too. Come on, Son of Satan! Our epic battle against the forces of nastiness continues!"

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself, and then hurried after her. And thus pair of rather low-rent superheroes rushed to their epic confrontation with Destiny. Or perhaps Really, Really Bad Luck.

-----

"Hurry it up," muttered Cross, glancing around at the relatively empty back street the van was creeping down.

"I'm keeping it at precisely the speed limit," replied Exposition. "Are you asking me to break the law?"

"Yes!" replied Cross. "I have a date!"

"Really?" Exposition stated conversationally. "Who with?"

"Cindy in R&D!" Cross growled. He pointed to the back of the van. "I'd like to get there before that damn thing kills us!"

"Relax," said Henry calmly. "It's sitting in a six-inch casing of negatanium. That should mute all such energies to next-to-nothing. Why do you think Akamatsu was able to finish the U-ray without incident?"

Michael considered it more important to ask why Akamatsu Industries Ltd. had immediately had a Buddhist Monk and a Shinto Priest on the premises to exorcise them. Or why they had broken out into a celebration as the van rolled out of sight. "I'd call spontaneous combustion an incident," he muttered.

"No scientific method at all," Exposition stated disdainfully. "Would you rather we not build a U-ray?"

"Of course not," Cross stated uncertainly. "The cause of peace demands it. I know that."

The cause of peace had in fact demanded that SHIELD build some of the most terrifyingly deadly and destructive weapons in the world, thus serving it by reducing the number of pesky living people who could be at times less than peaceable.

Exposition turned down a road. "Hmm," he muttered. "Road block up ahead…"

Cross started. "In a warehouse district?"

Exposition shrugged. "Accidents happen everywhere." He slowed the van into a stop, and leaned out the window. A pair of policemen stood there. "Pardon me, gentlemen," Exposition stated calmly. "May I ask why you've set up a road block here?"

"Certainly," said an apparent policeman. "To stop you SHIELD dogs!" At that moment, a horde of men in green and yellow bodysuits surrounded the van. The two policeman quickly removed their uniforms, revealing similar outfits. "Well, well. It seems our information has panned out beautifully," said one. "Now, hand over the U-ray so it may used for the glorification of HYDRA!" He raised his fist, an action imitated by his fellows. "Hail HYDRA! If you cut off one head—"

At that moment a large vehicle that looked like a corkscrew on wheels burrowed out of the ground. A group of men and women wearing rather bulky brown environmental suits topped by funnel-shaped helmets emerged. "Halt inferiors!" said one. "The U-ray will be claimed not by SHIELD or HYDRA, but by Advanced Idea Mechanics! Hail, AIM! The future shall be ours through tech—"

"Oh give it a rest, science boy!" muttered a HYDRA member. "Everyone knows you AIM flunkies are useless in a fight."

Another one snorted. "Right. Just go back to your slide rule, flathead, and leave world-conquering to the professionals."

"And what will you do, squidman?" asked an AIM member loudly. "Hold some nation hostage? 'Cause that's gotten such great results! At least we'll be able to do something with the U-ray!"

"Hey, don't knock our methods!" cried the first HYDRA member. "We've just been having a run of bad luck…"

"For sixty years? That's some run!" shouted the AIM member. "Why do you think we left? We got sick of nothing getting done."

"I thought you left because the giant head told you to," muttered the second HYDRA member.

"Hey, don't make fun of MODOK!" cried the AIM member. "He's not just a giant head! He's got arms—and legs too!" He stepped forward, looking ready to swing.

Another member grabbed him lightly by the shoulder. "Let it go, Dwight."

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "It just really, REALLY annoys me when they make fun of MODOK like that…"

"I know Dwight. I know."

Dwight appeared to recover his equilibrium. "Anyway, your opinion of our illustrious and not really just a giant head at all leader doesn't matter! AIM is getting the U-ray!"

"Nuh-uh!" shouted a HYDRA member. "It's going to HYDRA."

"Sadly," said a quiet voice, "you are all wrong." The HYDRA and AIM agents turned. A group of ninjas emerged from the shadows. "The U-ray has been claimed by the Hand, whose reach is as—"

"Oh, screw you ninja boy," muttered an AIM agent. "You guys can boast all you want—you're still packing knives to a gun fight."

"The way of the warrior is a far greater weapon than your pitiful technology," said one ninja loftily. "Our skills allow us to—"

A HYDRA agent shot him in the arm. The ninja collapsed in agony. "You were saying?" asked the HYDRA agent.

"Oh—oh God! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!" screamed the ninja. "I—I think that one chipped a bone!"

"Face it!" chortled another HYDRA agent. "You guys and the funnelheads are going to get slaughtered."

"Hey, don't make fun of our costumes!" cried an AIM agent. "They may be bulky, and they don't look too flashy, but they double our strength."

"So," muttered a Hand ninja, "you can lift two whole pounds now?"

This statement led to more unpleasantness, and so all those present were shouting when the helicopter landed.

"Squabbling, eh?" A man wearing a bisecting suit stepped out, followed by a bunch of lackeys, and a woman clad in flowing robes, and holding a bow. "Typical of rank amateurs."

"Oh, hell," muttered a HYDRA agent. "Zodiac…" The other criminals grumbled in agreement. Zodiac was one of the most universally resented gangs in the criminal underworld. On the one hand, they got their hands on more technology, and loot then most other crime syndicates even dreamed of. On the other hand, such things were soon wasted on Byzantine plots that didn't even make much sense.

"Let's see—Gemini—and Sagittarius," noted an AIM member. "Is this the real you—or is a set of robotic duplicates?"

"Maybe yes," said Gemini, "maybe no." With that he and Sagittarius chuckled.

"Hand over the U-ray," said Sagittarius in a dark whisper, "and when the Zodiac rules over all the—"

A large truck pulled in behind them, toppling over the helicopter.

"Son of a—" shouted Gemini, as he backed away.

"Looks like things aren't going your way…" muttered Dwight the AIM agent.

"And we do have that little—numeric advantage thing," pointed out a HYDRA agent.

"With our skills, it won't help you," stated Sagittarius confidently. "Besides it's not like you losers could ever unite against us."

"Don't bet on it, lady," muttered the wounded Hand ninja. Everyone present turned to look at the truck.

It was a large truck, with a rather tasteless picture of a beautiful woman cradling a bowling pin. A group of scowling men in purple and green bodysuits with a patch showing a bowling ball striking a pin on their foreheads emerged from it. Finally a man clad in what appeared to be mechanized body armor stepped out. "I am Hardstrike. My men and I make up the ideological organization known as Stick and Balls."

"Yes," shouted his men in unison. "That is our name. It is what we are called."

"We will take the U-ray, and use it to restore bowling to its proper place in the world," continued Hardstrike.

"Yes," shouted his men. "That is what we will do. It is the action we will be taking."

The general response to Stick and Balls arrival was close to the reaction that happens when a man in a clown costume arrives at a formal dress party.

"Stick and Balls," muttered an AIM member. "Unfortunate name."

"I know," said a ninja. "I always thought we had it bad. The 'Hand' and all that…"

"So how are you—going to promote bowling…?" asked a HYDRA agent. "With the—U-ray."

"Easy," snorted Hardstrike confidently. "First, we will use the U-ray to destroy all opposing sports. Then, we will demand that bowling be made the national sport—of the world!" He raised his arms in triumph. "We will triumph by the strength of our magnificent sticks, and glorious balls!"

Most of the criminals winced at this—master plan.

With one exception.

"An intriguing plot," said Gemini. "Do you plan to involve robots in it?"

"No," said Hardstrike. "That would be silly."

Back at the SHIELD van, Cross was panicking. "Damn it—how did so many get here?"

"There must be a leak," said Exposition calmly.

"A leak?!" cried Michael. "A leak would be one of them knowing about it. This is a freakin' gouge!" He glanced outside. "Okay, they're still debating salvage rights. Let's run for it. We can make it to the rendezvous point, and alert SHIELD security."

"I think you're forgetting the first duty of every SHIELD agent," said Exposition, patriotism dripping from his voice. "To die in the line of duty, so that Nick Fury looks more impressive."

Cross stared at him, dumbfounded. "You know, Henry, I always knew you were crazy, but I never thought you were insane." He got out of the van, and started to run. A shot rang out. Michael looked up weakly, to see Exposition holding a smoking pistol. "Y-you betrayed me…" he muttered, startled.

"Actually, by running you betrayed both me and SHIELD, you pinko rat bastard," corrected Exposition.

This point apparently so mortified Cross, that he died.

Henry turned to the criminals. "Terribly sorry about that. He just wasn't cut out for this kind of work. Now then, shall we get this over with?" He raised his pistol. "For SHIELD!" With that, Henry Exposition charged forward.

In five seconds, he took sixteen gun shots, five shruiken, and a bowling ball to the head.

"Good shot," commented a ninja to Hardstrike.

"Thank you," replied Hardstrike. "I pride myself on my aim. If I cannot perfect my skills, then I am not worthy of my magnificent Stick and Balls."

There was an awkward silence.

"So," muttered an AIM member, "which of us will get the U-ray?"

Someone cleared their throat. "I believe the correct answer is 'none of you'."

It took everyone a moment to realize that the speaker was a pale young man in a rather expansive cape that had somehow wound up standing in the middle of them. He fidgeted nervously, as all eyes went on him. "Mind you—I'm just guessing. No need to take it seriously…"

"Who are you…?" said Sagittarius suspiciously.

"I'm Dr. Strange," stated the young man with a nervous chuckle. He raised his hand. "Now, please back away from the van so that this whole affair ends to the satisfaction of all."

"Or what…?" muttered a HYDRA agent menacingly.

A shimmying vortex appeared in Dr. Strange's hand. "Or else, I will unleash the POWER OF THE TEMPEST!" A great blast of wind sent most of his opponents to their feet. "Winds! Buffet them! Lightning! Stun them! Rains! Umm…get them wet…" Elemental powers surged around him, tossing around the various agents as if they were kindling. In a few moments, most of the agents were lying prone on the ground, with the exception of those who were lying prone in trees, and prone on the tops of buildings.

Hikaru glanced around, surprised. "That went immensely better than expected," he commented quietly.

At that moment an arrow buried itself in the ground at his feet.

"Halt evildoer!" came a high voice.

Hikaru rolled his eyes and whimpered. "Oh, perfect…" He turned.

"I don't know what you're doing here," announced Kagome in a lofty tone she considered awe-inspiring, "I just know that I don't like it."

Hikaru sighed. "Well, it's good to know you put a lot of thought into this…"

Kagome leveled another arrow at him. "Hey! No mocking of my epic struggle against darkness! I demand you explain yourself…"

Hikaru began to massage his forehead. He was really starting to wonder what this job was going to do to his health even if he did manage to avoid being eaten by something out of an H.R. Giger picture. "Look, you strange Halloween costume wearing girl, I really don't care what you think—"

It was at that moment Hikaru heard the sound of something hurtling through the air at great speed. He took a step to the right. And then two more, just to stay on the safe side.

Inu-Yasha landed uneasily next to him, about three steps off.

Hikaru glanced at him, then at Kagome. "Pardon me, is this your pet?"

"Son of Satan!" yelled Kagome. "You were supposed to get him with a flying tackle!"

"I tried!" shouted back Inu-Yasha. "He sorta moved on me!"

"Oh, I'm tired of these constant excuses…"

"Son of Satan?" stated Hikaru flatly, eyes watching Kagome with a combination of levity and despair.

"That's right!" chirped Kagome. "He's Son of Satan, and I'm Hellcat!"

"Of course you are," said Hikaru with a pitying nod.

"Hey, we're an up and coming superheroic duo!"

"I've no doubt."

Kagome pouted. "You should take us seriously."

Hikaru sighed. "Look, I'm guessing you two were bitten by radioactive wombats or something along those lines…"

"That's not our origin at all!" cried Kagome. "You see one day, I went to this old well—"

"I don't care about your origin," muttered Hikaru. "My point is just because you've got X-ray vision doesn't mean you should go blithely skipping off to make the world safe for fruit pies! Leave it to the professionals." _Even when they've only had a week of training and don't quite feel up to the job_, he added internally.

"We are professionals," said Kagome. "Professional good guys."

She was, Hikaru thought, exactly the sort of person who got themselves and others killed. Often in a slow, painful manner. "Look, normally I'd be nicer about this, but the truth is I reached my crazy crap limit an hour ago, and all I want to do is finish my work here, get home, soak in the tub, and come up with a compelling reason not to take the toaster in with me." He took a deep breath. "So please, just let me get done here. And just—be careful."

"HA!" said Kagome triumphantly. "Nice try villain! But unfortunately for you, that Shinken shard in your pocket gives the truth away!"

Inu-Yasha glanced at her. "Can I grab him now?"

Kagome nodded. "You can grab him now."

Inu-Yasha grabbed Hikaru by the shirt. "All right creep, I don't know what your game is…"

"Well—I like Reversi…" Hikaru coughed. "Look, about the shard—I'm really just holding it. For someone else. Really." He flashed Inu-Yasha a grin.

Inu-Yasha snorted. "A likely story."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "You seem very sure of yourself for a man covered in scorpions."

Inu-Yasha glanced down at his shoulders, then blinked. "Sc-scorpions…?" He let out a piercing scream and dropped Hikaru, then began to beat wildly at his shirt. "Get them off! Get them off!"

Hikaru stood up, dusted off his cloak, and glanced at Kagome. "Now, as for you, you've begun to irritate me, so I suggest you go do a mazurka."

Kagome stared at him, puzzled. "What's a mazurka?"

"A sort of jig," replied Hikaru.

"They're crawlin' up my back!" screamed Inu-Yasha. "Oh my God! They're crawlin' up my back!"

Kagome coughed. "What's a jig?"

Hikaru began to squint in a manner that suggested a great deal of annoyance. "A variety of dance known for its energetic motions, and the fact that it can be danced solo."

"Oh!" said Kagome.

"They're wrigglin'! They're wrigglin'! Oh-oh-no-did I just feel a STING? Please no!"

Kagome raised her bow. "I don't think I'll do it."

Hikaru's eyes widened. "Oh, crap…"

Kagome loosed her arrow.

Hikaru shut his eyes, and raised his hand in panic.

The arrow dissolved in midair with an audible pop.

Hikaru opened his eyes, and glanced up. He looked around for a moment, and then gave a relieved laugh. "Great. All my internal organs remain internal."

Kagome gulped.

"There's one crawlin' up my neck! There's one crawlin' up my neck!" squealed Inu-Yasha.

Kagome grabbed him, angrily. "Inu-Yasha! I need your help!"

Inu-Yasha screamed. "Don't get 'em angry, Kagome! They might sting!" He began to twitch. "Oh, NO, PLEASE, NOT NOW!"

Kagome frowned. "There are NO scorpions on you!"

"Can't you see them? Big hairy ones—with claws—an' stingers, drippin' with venom…"

"No scorpions!" shouted Kagome.

Inu-Yasha calmed a moment, then glanced himself over, surprised. "Umm, Kagome?"

Kagome glanced at him, concerned. "Yes?"

"Why'd I think I was covered in scorpions? Hell, why'd that frighten me anyway?"

"He did some evil mind thing on you," said Kagome, glaring at Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha looked at him and snarled. "Nobody plays with my mind."

"Is that an issue of principles, or do they just have problems finding it?" asked Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha drew his sword, and rushed at him. "That's it! You're dead, freak!!!"

__

I've got to stop insulting these people, thought Hikaru. _They're all so…touchy_…

Inu-Yasha slashed at Hikaru with a mighty blow that would have cleft him in twain, had it actually hit.

Hikaru stared at the bare patch of ground the Tetsaiga was presently lodged in, then glanced at Inu-Yasha. "That was close."

Inu-Yasha jerked his sword free, and took another swing.

"I'm sorry about the scorpions, all right?" stated Hikaru. "Does that make you happy?"

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself. It wasn't that his opponent was especially fast—in fact he didn't seem to even dodge his blows. He just had a way of being somewhere _other_ than where you aimed…

Inu-Yasha took another swing, screamed to himself, and then followed with a heavy swipe down that should have by all rights left Hikaru with a very large gap in his skull. "Will you just get hit?" screamed Inu-Yasha in frustration.

Hikaru stepped slightly to the side. "Sorry, but while I've no doubt it's a fascinating experience to be skewered by a gigantic blade, I'm going to have to pass on it. My deepest regrets."

Inu-Yasha was about to try for another swing, when the answer came to him. _Don't aim_… _Just attack_… He charged forward, and managed a wild stab.

Hikaru just barely managed to grab the sword as it plunged towards his skull. "Look…" he muttered, as Inu-Yasha pressed Tetsaiga towards his head, "I thought I made myself clear—NOT getting skewered by the sword…" Slowly a reddish glow spread over the blade as Hikaru tried to push it back through an act of Will.

He succeeded. Barely.

"I'm not letting you beat me!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"We can call it a draw!" cried back Hikaru. "I find that solution very admirable!" Despite his efforts, the sword was creeping forward, towards his rather vulnerable skull.

It was at that moment that something neither of them was expecting happened.

"SIT!" cried Kagome.

Inu-Yasha fell forwards with enough force to unbalance Hikaru, who fell backwards with a few feet away from the half demon. His falling also tore loose Tetsaiga. The blade soared briefly in the air, then fell to the ground, where, Hikaru could not help but note, it landed only inches away from wiping out the existence of the Gosunkugi family name in all future generations.

"What'd ya do that for?" cried Inu-Yasha to Kagome as she rushed forward.

"I'm so sorry!" said Kagome plaintively.

"Well, that's more like it…" muttered Inu-Yasha, as he righted himself.

Kagome ran past him to Hikaru. "We thought you were a supervillain! We really had no idea…"

"That," muttered Hikaru, with icy dignity, "was obvious." He took a deep breath. "But you're forgiven! Go buy yourself ice cream! Some place far, far away!"

Inu-Yasha started. "Bu-but…" He let out a low scream. "What's goin' on?" He pointed at Hikaru. "We were fightin' him!"

Kagome gave him a glare that immediately made Inu-Yasha wish he were somewhere else, and quite possibly someone else as well. "Inu-Yasha! Don't you realize who he is? He's a superhero!"

Inu-Yasha blinked. "How'd ya figure that?"

Kagome gave a cheerful laugh. "Through logic! He's got a Shinken shard—but he isn't using it! Only a good guy would do that, 'cause all bad guys are out for as much power as they can get. And 'cause no ordinary man could grab Tetsaiga, I realized we were with a fellow superhero!"

The look on Inu-Yasha's face made it clear he didn't think much of her logic.

The furtive glance on Hikaru's face made it clear he didn't either, but that he also felt no burning need to dissuade her.

Kagome missed that glance, even as she went to grab his arm. "Like I said, I'm so sorry about that mix-up." From her tone, a person would guess this was about a mistake involving house keys instead of a potentially deadly struggle. "We're thrilled to meet you!" She turned to Inu-Yasha, and gave him a pointed glance. "Aren't we?"

"Yeah," said Inu-Yasha. "Thrilled."

"So…" Kagome paused, clearly puzzled. "Hey, I didn't catch your name…" she stated cheery.

"That's because I didn't say it," replied Hikaru dourly.

"Oh." Kagome gave him a piteous look.

Hikaru shoved his hands in his pockets, and glanced around awkwardly. "Dr. Strange."

"Wow!" Kagome beamed at him. "That is a good name!" She glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Isn't it, Son of Satan?"

Inu-Yasha grimaced. "Well, it sure as hell beats MINE!" He leaned forward urgently. "Can we at least go back to our REAL names in private, Kagome? This is gettin' ridiculous…"

"Quiet, Son of Satan!" hissed Kagome. "And call me Hellcat!"

Hikaru walked ahead quietly. They seemed busy, which meant he could just take care of the shard here and leave.

"Hey! Whatcha doin'?" said Kagome cheerfully.

Hikaru shuddered slightly. "Just taking care of this pesky little Shiken shard…"

Kagome gave another enthusiastic nod. "Oh, Son of Satan and I can help! We have a duty to collect those things…"

"About time you remembered that…" muttered Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru glanced around. Something was wrong, and he had an awful idea what it was. "That's nice," he said absently.

Kagome gave a cheerful laugh. "I just want to say this is an honor." She leaned forward so that she dominated Hikaru's field of vision. "We're eager to learn at the metaphorical feet of an experienced superhero such as yourself."

"Speak for yourself," said Inu-Yasha peevishly.

"Inu-Yasha!" whispered Kagome harshly.

"He covered me in SCORPIONS!"

"Not really," pointed out Kagome. "He just made you think you were. Which makes it your fault."

"OH COME ON!!" cried Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru was holding his palm to his forehead as if in great pain. "Umm, Hellcat—I have my first lesson for you."

"Really?" said Kagome.

Hikaru nodded. "When trying to apprehend a deadly superweapon powered by evil magic, do not fight your fellow heroes so that villains can get away with said deadly superweapon."

Kagome mused on this. "Doesn't seem like that will happen too often…"

"Oh, once is enough," muttered Hikaru, as he looked at the back of the SHIELD van, where the U-ray was only conspicuous in its absence.

-----

"Hurry my men!" shouted Hardstrike. "We must not allow our magnificent Stick and Balls to be defeated!"

"We are hurrying! Hurrying is what we are doing!" cried his men in unison.

Hardstrike smiled. While lesser men had been tossed around like leaves by the sorcerer's little spell, his men had been fine, no doubt to their superior dedication, and strength.

Also, the fact that they lugged around three or four bowling balls apiece may have had something to do with it.

-----

A short distance away, IT waited. IT was very happy. Things were just about to go exactly the way IT wanted them to.

-----

Hikaru was flying at a comfortable clip, with Inu-Yasha and Kagome keeping even keel with him on the ground.

"So," stated Hikaru evenly, "let me see if I've got this straight. You, Kagome, alias Hellcat, are a reincarnated Shinto shrine maiden, who can cast spells through magic arrows. You, Inu-Yasha, alias Son of Satan, are a half-demon from the Warring States period with a magic sword, who has become stuck in the modern age. Together you fight crime."

Kagome glanced up and gave him a chipper grin. "That's right!"

Hikaru gave a low sigh. "My life has become a bad high concept buddy movie. Wonderful."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru resentfully. "So what do you want us to do?"

Hikaru seemed to ignore the surliness in his voice. Seemed to being the operative word. "Stop the insane supervillains-slash-bowling enthusiasts before they do something stupid with their new toy."

At that moment, a blimp floating nearby advertising a local baseball match exploded in a spectacular purple blast.

Hikaru's eyes narrowed into tight, bitter slits. "A slight change of plans—stop them before they do anything else that's stupid with their new toy."

-----

"Ha-ha-ha! A glorious victory for our Stick and Balls!" cackled Hardstrike as the blimp's debris fell to the ground. "And now, to Tokyodome, which has failed for years to acknowledge the greatness of our noble sport."

"We will do this!" cried his minions. "That is the thing that we will do!"

"There are some things I will not allow," said a quiet voice. Hikaru hovered twenty feet above the would-be supervillains, looking down in a very irritated manner. "One is the triumph of bowling fans in acts of mass destruction. Soccer fans—maybe, but bowling fans—definitely not." He began to wring his hands. "I mean can you just see it? It'd be ridiculous." He shook his head. "Next thing we know, stamp collectors and mimes will be rioting on the streets. There'd be anarchy—sheer anarchy."

Hardstrike crossed his arms imposingly. "Well, well, the good Dr. Strange…"

Hikaru sighed. "So you can remember someone you saw a few minutes ago. I'm happy for you. Now, hand me the U-ray, and nobody will get hurt."

"An amusing notion," declared Hardstrike loftily. "Destroy him men!"

Half a dozen men raised their bowling balls, and then, for some strange reason, smashed themselves in the stomach with them.

Hikaru shook his head. "Why don't they listen to me…? Why do they have to prove how tough they are…?"

Hardstrike posed dramatically. "Silence fool! None shall mock our Stick and Balls!"

Hikaru winced. "God that's a painfully bad name."

Hardstrike waved his fist. "You continue to mock our Stick and Balls!"

"Please stop," groaned Hikaru.

"Why do you dare suggest that there is something wrong with being proud of the marvelous sight that is our Stick and—"

"I will not allow that sentence to be completed," declared Hikaru. "So listen, you strange twisted little man, this matter is now finished. You can surrender now, or face the consequences."

"And what would those be?" asked Hardstrike with contempt.

"I'll have my compatriots, who have been getting themselves into position while we were talking, ambush you, while I take care of the leftovers."

Kagome popped up out of the bushes. "Hey, Dr. Strange, was that the signal to attack?"

Hikaru's hand hit his forehead with an audible slap. His left eyebrow twitched. "Yes, you twit. That was the signal."

Kagome looked rather affronted. "Well, excuse me for asking questions."

"Get her!" shouted Hardstrike. "In the name of our glorious Stick and Balls!"

"I am going to be so very, very happy when I take you down," Hikaru stated.

"We will get her." shouted the bowling minions. "Getting her is what we will do shortly."

"Eek," squealed Kagome, loosing an arrow.

It streaked out, and buried itself in the ground before the Stick and Balls members. They stared at it a little while before bursting out into laugher. "Ha-ha, little girl! Your aim is worthy of mockery! We mock your aim!" They stepped forward in unison, their bowling balls raised.

Kagome shivered slightly.

At that moment, the arrow dissolved into goo, turning the ground into a substance that greatly resembled quicksand. "Arrgh, we are sinking!" cried roughly half the minions. "Sinking is what we are doing."

The other half cried. "They are sinking. Sinking is what they are doing."

"Throw your balls at them!" shouted Hardstrike.

"I did not need to hear that," muttered Hikaru.

Those of Hardstrike's followers who were still capable of motion raised their bowling balls.

That was when Inu-Yasha leaped down on them and with a combination of kicks, punches, and elbow slams remedied that condition.

"Well, at least one of you understands the concept of a 'surprise attack'!" commented Hikaru acidly.

"I got confused is all," said Kagome dismissively.

"And you might have gotten dead," retorted Hikaru. "Please try to remember that fact…"

"There is still a chance for it to occur!" shouted Hardstrike, lofting up his U-ray.

"Oh, crap," muttered Hikaru, giving himself a good, solid kick in the rear mentally.

"Now you will see what happens to those who oppose the unimaginable glory that is my—" began Hardstrike, but he never finished that statement, as IT came out and devoured him whole, swallowing the U-ray along with it.

"You know," said Hikaru, "I'm actually torn here. On the one hand, I'm relieved that I no longer have to listen to him. On the other, I know we are now in a much more dangerous situation…"

Kagome gulped. "Maybe it's a good guy…"

"That eats PEOPLE WHOLE?!!" screamed Hikaru.

"I was just accentuating the positive…" muttered Kagome.

Inu-Yasha leaped forward, sword drawn. "Enough chattin', it's time to kick ass!"

IT promptly grabbed him, and threw him against the wall.

"Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome rushing to his side.

"Well, that was an inspiring display of martial talent…" muttered Hikaru.

"Silence puny mortals!" shouted one of the three mouths IT possessed.

"For before you stands an ancient spirit of destruction…" stated the second mouth.

"Quiver at your lord mortals," chortled the third mouth. "Quiver at the presence of—MR. WIGGLESWORTH!"

The first mouth actually beat Hikaru, Kagome, and Inu-Yasha to the question, "Mr. Wigglesworth?"

The third mouth almost seemed to shrug. "Well, it's not like they can even comprehend our true name, so I thought, why not Mr. Wigglesworth?"

"Why not something menacing?" asked the first mouth. "Something like Goreslsh! Or Rendarr!"

"Oh, everyone's always doing something like that! I want to think outside the box—break the proverbial mold…"

"But now we look ridiculous!" shouted the first mouth. "Back me up on this Number Two."

"Actually, I rather like it," said Number Two. "I for one am tired of all the stereotypes that entities in our profession face!"

"So you're for calling ourselves 'Mr. Wigglesworth'?"

Number Two sighed. "Look, seeing as we're going to tear through these people like a knife through damp paper, I think we can call ourselves whatever we want…"

"But—come on—MR. WIGGLESWORTH!!!"

"Ahem," coughed Hikaru. "As fascinating as all this is, I really want to get home, so if you'll do me the tremendous favor of BURNING THE EVERLASTING FLAMES OF THE FALTINE!" Hikaru channeled forth a gout of bright flame that burned hotter and purer than any fire on Earth, completely engulfing the (mostly) self-designated Mr. Wigglesworth.

When the flames cleared, IT stood there, unharmed.

"Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap…" Hikaru stated backing away slowly. "Oh veritable mountain of crap…"

"A lordly effort mortal, but with the power of the Shiken protecting this body, I am quite invulnerable!" stated Number Two.

"Indeed," began Number Three. "Nothing can harm the adamant skin of Mr. Wigglesworth!"

"Ohhh! There he goes again!" shouted Number One. "Please—I'm begging you—any name but that!"

"Hmm…" murmured Number Three. "How about 'J-Lo'? I think that sounds delightfully saucy…"

"Great…" muttered Number One. "Now I'm actually reconsidering 'Mr. Wigglesworth'…"

"I knew it would grow on you…" stated Number Two confidently.

Hikaru had finally reached Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "All right. Plan A: Blow the monster into fiery cinders was a failure, so I'm going to suggest we start on Plan B."

"What's that?" Kagome said eagerly.

"Run like hell."

Inu-Yasha glanced at IT. "Look, if I have to choose between 'Slim Shady' and 'Mr. Wigglesworth', then I'll go with 'Mr. Wigglesworth' but all that I'm saying…"

Inu-Yasha glanced back at Hikaru. "I'm with you. Somethin' tells me this guy's really gonna be in a mood to dish out pain when he gets finished…"

"Well, I'm not!" said Kagome.

"Pardon me, what did you say?" said Hikaru quietly, his face a blank mask.

"Darn it, we're superheroes! Our motto is 'do or die'!"

Hikaru coughed. "Actually my motto is 'maximize the doing, minimize the dying'…"

"But—! " sulked Kagome.

"It's a good motto," said Hikaru.

"But—! " sulked Kagome more emphatically.

"Are you saying that it isn't a good motto?" said Hikaru, crossing his arms. "Look, I acknowledge it might not be the best, but it's all I've got. The only other motto I can think of is 'Buy low, sell high, and avoid radical speculation'."

"But—! " sulked Kagome, her voice drowning in urgency.

"That don't sound very superheroic…" Inu-Yasha stated.

Hikaru shrugged. "My father's an investment banker, so it's all I could think of on short notice…"

"But—! " sulked Kagome, her voice now in the pitch of need.

Inu-Yasha gave an absent nod. "Right." He glanced at Kagome. "Psst. What's an 'invested men banker'?"

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU TWO!" shouted Kagome, who promptly took aim at Mr. Wigglesworth, and fired.

"Okay, now I'm sorry I even brought this up…" began Number One, when the arrow bounced off what was more or less its forehead. "Hey, who shot that at me?"

"Hey, you actually hit somethin'" said Inu-Yasha.

"I believe it was those mortals!" stated Number Three.

"How rude! Let's go teach them a lesson."

Hikaru glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Okay, here's the corollary to Plan B—you pick up Kagome—then we run like hell…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at him. "The—word of command?"

"Right," said Hikaru with a nod. "The ancillary to the corollary, then…"

Kagome stared at him. "Hey, what are…?"

At that moment what looked like a crimson band-aid affixed itself to her mouth. She glanced at it at surprise and anger, and then began to try to take it off. She didn't have much luck.

"How…?" asked Inu-Yahsa.

"The Crimson Bands of Cyttorak," Hikaru stated matter-of-factly, as he started to head away. "Don't worry, it's porous."

-----

"He's gainin' on us!" said Inu-Yasha worriedly. Kagome was resting on his shoulders, finally too tired to hit him.

"Technically, I don't know if that's a he…." replied Hikaru.

"What?"

"Well I highly doubt that Mr. Wigglesworth actually has any gender at all," said Hikaru. "I mean, can you just see that eldritch horror going home to the missus…? I can't, and I don't wan—Oh crap."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a wall here, that's what's wrong!" said Hikaru, gesturing emphatically.

"So?" asked Inu-Yasha. "You can just fly over it."

"Hikaru nodded. "Rather easily. With my eyes closed, in fact. So, what are you going to do, my fine furry friend?"

Inu-Yasha gave a confident snort. "I'll just climb it."

"Holding Kagome? With our gruesome acquaintance hot on your tail?"

Inu-Yasha froze. "Umm…" He shut his eyes. "Damn."

"Didn't think about it, did you?"

Inu-Yasha fumed. "Okay, smart guy, do you have an idea…?"

Hikaru nodded. "Actually, yes." He walked forward. "You will climb the wall, taking Kagome with you." He turned around, glancing down the alleyway. "Meanwhile, I will stay here and keep the damned thing from getting you." A bluish wall appeared at the end of the alleyway. "There. This should hold him—as long as I maintain it…"

Inu-Yasha stared at him. "Wha—? You'll be killed?" Kagome's expression was that of a little child who's just discovered that Santa Claus isn't real.

"Nonsense." Hikaru gave a dismissive wave. "Anyway, I'm just fulfilling the whole 'minimize the dying' part of my motto. So please run along. I'm getting teary-eyed."

Inu-Yasha stared at him with something that, if it wasn't quite respect, could call respect a relative without too much fiddling with the family tree. And then he and Kagome were gone. Hikaru felt them move away, and nodded. "See you on the other side, I guess—whatever that turns out to be…" Mr. Wigglesworth was tearing through his barrier far faster than he'd hoped—but still, it had been enough. He should drop it—

Mr. Wigglesworth burst through the barrier.

Soon.

"Well, tasty man-thing," Mouth Number One began, "soon I will be flaying your skin…"

"Shredding your flesh…" said Mouth Number Two.

"—And masticating your bones!" declared Mouth Number Three.

"Oh, do you have to say that?" asked Number One. "It makes us look like a jerk…"

"Come on! It just means chewing!"

"It's pretentious, and irritating! Back me up here Number Two!"

"Uh-uh," muttered Number Two. "Leave me out of this…"

"Well," stated Number One, "the basic point is—we'll kill you, eat you, and do all this in a painful manner."

"Damn straight," said Number Three.

Hikaru gulped slightly at this. When he'd gotten himself into this position of noble self-sacrifice, he'd possessed a quiet belief in the back of his mind that somehow, he was going to think of a way out of it. That seemed—less likely now.

That's when it hit him—a plan so ridiculous, he knew it would never work.

"Oh, my goodness! What _is_ that behind you?" Hikaru pointed.

__

Is it obvious? _Yes_. _Ludicrious_? _Absolutely_. _But I defy anybody to pull anything better out of their ass when the face—or faces of dire calamity are gaping at them from a distance of seconds_, Hikaru thought to himself.

Mr. Wigglesworth entire body froze. "Something behind us…?" said Number Two, biting its lip.

"That could be trouble…" stated Number Three.

"Or a trick," pointed out Number One.

"But can we take that chance?" shouted Number Three.

"Oh—I hate it when this happens…" said Number Two. "Something cool is probably happening behind us…"

"Or something dire," pointed out Number One.

"Oh, let's turn around and see," said Number Three. "I can't stand the suspense."

"Fine, if you insist," said Number One.

Mr. Wigglesworth turned around.

After a moment, IT coughed.

"Umm, mortal-thing—there doesn't seem to be anything here…"

There wasn't a reply.

Mr. Wigglesworth looked over what served IT as a shoulder.

Hikaru, it seemed, had vanished.

-----

A reasonable distance away, in a small utility shack, Kagome was screaming at Inu-Yasha.

"—You left him to die!"

"You weren't complainin' then!" retorted Inu-Yasha.

"That's because I was gagged!" Kagome shouted. "I couldn't speak if I wanted to!"

"Oh," muttered Inu-Yasha awkwardly. "Right…"

"I mean the first real superhero we meet, and now we might never see him again!"

It was at that moment that Hikaru appeared before her, looking very wan.

"Dr. Strange!" she shouted cheerfully.

Hikaru threw up on her shoes.

About a minute later, Hikaru was cleaning off her shoes with a hasty magick, and apologizing. "Teleporting unbalances my stomach, and…"

"It's all right," Kagome said cheerfully. "After all, how many people can say they've been vomited on by a superhero?"

Hikaru stared at her for a while. "You scare me, you know that? You scare me in a fundamental way I cannot begin to describe…"

Kagome ignored this statement. "So what should we do now?"

Hikaru drew a large book out of the folds of his cloak. "Give me a moment. I'll come up with something…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru suspiciously. "How come ya didn't suggest that 'telypor tayshun' thing when we were running from ugly?"

Hikaru looked up from his book. "There is an easy answer to that. Do you want my foot up your ass?"

Inu-Yasha started. "Hey! I don' take kindly to threats!"

Hikaru shrugged. "It wasn't a threat. I _really_ don't have teleportation down yet."

Inu-Yasha blinked and glanced nervously away.

"Ahh!" said Hikaru. "Found it! 'Protective wards'."

"Protective wards!" said Kagome excitedly, taking a piece of rice paper, a brush pen, and a small jar of ink from a pouch in her quiver. "Hellcat is on the job!"

"Since when do you know how to do paper wards?" asked Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru began to chant. "Hoggith—I invoke thee! By thy powers, let the way be blocked!"

Kagome glanced at Inu-Yasha, irritated. "Living in a shrine _does_ have its advantages. I had Grandpa give me a lesson last week."

"I think I remember that one," said Inu-Yasha, glancing away. "Ya fell asleep during it…"

"Agomotto—Blind the vision of those who seek the way!" continued Hikaru.

"I did not fall asleep!" said Kagome petulantly. "I just rested my eyes, a moment…"

"Kagome, you were droolin'…" Inu-Yasha stated levelly.

"Osshur—Greatest of the Three! May your power destroy those who attempt to force their way in!"

"I DON'T DROOL!"

"Oh, I suppose you gotta twin, then?"

"By the name and authority of the Vishanti let the way be sealed! Let it be so!"

Kagome turned away from Inu-Yasha and tried to finish up her scroll. "I don't have time for this."

Inu-Yasha looked the scroll over. "Yer doin' it wrong!"

Hikaru glanced over the glowing barrier of mystic symbols that now covered the shed's walls. "Well, that seems to be finished…"

"Oh, what do you know about protective wards?" Kagome shouted at Inu-Yasha.

"More then you, looks like!" Inu-Yasha shouted back.

"Ahem, as I was saying…" stated Hikaru quietly.

"Oh, yeah?!" screamed Kagome.

"Yeah!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"AS I was saying…" added Hikaru worriedly.

"Yeah?" screamed Kagome.

"Yeah!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"AS I WAS SAYING!!!" shouted Hikaru at the top of his lungs. Inu-Yasha and Kagome watched as he took a deep breath. "The wards are up." He smiled. "Now I've no doubt you can get back to your fascinating, and deep discussion."

The pair looked around nervously. Finally, Inu-Yasha ventured a question. "They'll hold?"

"Till doomsday," muttered Hikaru.

Kagome's eyes spread in wonder. "Wow…"

Hikaru sighed. "Don't be so impressed. It's probably about three hours away." He glanced out the window. "Do you know what that thing is? It is an Elder God, to which the powers of demons are as the might of flies before a man." Hikaru coughed, slightly, and continued. "In the beginning, the world was inhabited by beings of great power, and might, but they were rowdy, and violated their tenant agreement, and thus were given the boot. Ever since then, they have drunkenly beat against the doors and windows of this plane, promising sweets to whoever lets them in, and swearing up and down they won't rampage, at least, not too much." Hikaru paused. "But they are lying. Still, every now and then, some mental case with delusions of grandeur takes one of them up on it, and much hilarity ensues."

He noticed Kagome was staring at him, puzzled.

"I'm being sarcastic. I think the only people who find it hilarious are the Elder Gods, and those morons who like shows where they get people to eat live cockroaches, and set their pants on fire."

"Oh," said Kagome, her confused look vanishing. A bright, cheery smile took its place. "So what are we going to do to stop it?"

"I'll handle it…" said Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru gave him a sidelong glance. "Like you did last time…?"

Inu-Yasha glowered. "That was just luck…"

Hikaru nodded. "Well, he didn't split your skull open, so, yes, it was." He shut his eyes. "This is an Elder God we're talking about. Even if it isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, you're still just the other white meat, where it's concerned."

Kagome screwed up her face in puzzlement again. "Isn't that pork?"

Hikaru rubbed his temples gingerly. It made sense that the cosmos would saddle him with allies whose ability to discern sarcasm was decidedly subpar.

That didn't make it enjoyable, by any stretch of the imagination.

"So what should we do, smart guy?" asked Inu-Yasha snarkily.

"Right," said Kagome eagerly, ignoring Inu-Yasha's tone. "What's your plan?"

Hikaru blinked. They apparently were genuinely looking towards his opinion for guidance. This had never happened to him, in his entire life, not even on where to eat, much less rampaging monstrosities dedicated to the end of all life.

And the worst part was he had no idea what to do.

"Dr. Strange?" Kagome asked concernedly. "What's your plan?"

Hikaru bit his lips nervously. "Plan. Right. What have I got planned…?" He rubbed his chin meditatively. "Well—Kagome, you look a lot like a chicken, so…"

"What?!"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Sorry. I'm just smashing random elements together to create a course of action." He sighed. "It doesn't always work, especially on short notice."

Kagome gave him a grin so utterly chipper that it not only failed to cheer him up, but it actually made him doubt her sanity. "Don't worry, Dr. Strange. A superhero like you is a match for any number of Elder Gods."

Hikaru sighed. It was time to come clean. Decency, and his own sanity wouldn't let this charade go on any longer. "I'm not a superhero."

Kagome and Inu-Yasha both glanced at him surprised. "Y-you're not?" stammered Kagome. "B-but—you can fly—and shoot fire—and…"

"That's because I'm a sorcerer," Hikaru stated patiently. "But—I only decided to call myself a superhero because it would make my job easier. I never really was one."

Inu-Yasha scratched his chin. "Your—job?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I have been instructed by my slightly daffy teacher, the Ancient One to defend our world from demonic invaders, and similar threats to its exceedingly fragile stability." Hikaru took a deep breath. "I was just starting out when we met, though I have to say, I was making a pretty good run of it…"

"So—wait," interrupted Inu-Yasha. "Your teacher sent you out alone to take on demonic hordes?"

Hikaru stared at him through lidded eyes. "That is exactly what I just said, yes…"

"And you did it?"

Hikaru began to rub his forehead. "Well, again, yes, as otherwise, we wouldn't be talking now, would we?"

Inu-Yasha simply looked at him awkwardly for a moment, then asked bluntly, "Why?"

Hikaru gave an exasperated sigh. That was an exceedingly sensible question of the sort Hikaru usually asked himself. "Because I went to the Ancient One and asked him to change my life—and he did. You don't ask a total stranger to paint your room some wild color and then object because he chose neon pink. Not if you have any sense. And—well, the world really needs someone to do this right now, and I seem to be the guy who's landed the position." Hikaru shook his head. "Not that I'm happy about that. But none of that's important right now. The point is, I'm not a superhero. I'm just a man who has an unpleasant job he has to do. Like a garbage man. Or a proctologist."

Inu-Yasha and Kagome were staring at him their expression those of utter shock. _Well_, thought Hikaru, _at least this will take care of that damned hero worship I was getting. Of course they'll probably want to tear me apart limb by limb, but given what's probably going to happen, that might be a better way to go._

Finally, Kagome broke the silence. "Wow. You really are a superhero."

Hikaru blinked. "What?"

Kagome struck a pose. "If there is one thing I have learnt about heroes, from my years of comic reading, it's that the ones who go on denying their heroism while continuing to selflessly serve their fellow man are the greatest heroes of all." She grabbed his hand and gave it an enthusiastic squeeze. "I'm so honored that you've chosen to let me serve by your side. It must be fate…"

Hikaru was about to note that he hadn't chosen anything, and that if fate was involved it was probably in the form of bad karma, when he noticed Inu-Yasha nodding. "I don't buy all this superhero stuff the way Kagome does, but I don' think I would do what you have, if I was in your shoes, which means yer either brave as hell, or crazy as can be. Probably both."

Hikaru glared at him. "Thanks. I'm touched by your faint praise."

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Hey, bein' crazy and brave's a pretty winning combination. If anyone can get us out of this situation, it's you…"

Hikaru winced. Okay, so he seemed to have made them more impressed. Fine. Sometimes, you just have to take things in their stride. He shut his eyes. He really needed a plan. So, what did they have? _My magic, and brains—such as they are… Inu-Yasha's swordplay and muscle—not that either did much good earlier… Kagome's archery and—umm, well, enthusiasm, I guess_….

Hikaru sighed. It wasn't much. In fact, it was piteously little. Still, things could be worse. Mr. Wigglesworth could be a lot smarter than it actually was.

And that's when the idea it him, with all the force of mackerel slapping a man in the face. "All right," Hikaru began. "I think I've got it…"

-----

Hikaru was strolling quietly alone on the rooftop. After a while, he began to sing.

"Oh, I got the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues. Yes—the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues. Oh, I'm gonna scream and shot—when the giant monster rips my insides out. Yes, the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues…"

At that moment Mr. Wigglesworth smashed through the roof. "Your singing is off-key," muttered Mouth Number One.

"And your song lacks intellectual merit, and a catchy hook," noted Mouth Number Two.

"Actually, I kind of liked it," said Mouth Number Three. "Solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues…"

"Oh, shut up…" said Numbers One and Two.

"Don't listen to Number Three…" said Number One. "I for one am only associated with him by unhappy chance…"

Number Three frowned. "Hmmph. Never a word of appreciation from you…"

Number Two sighed. "Guys, let's stay focused on the task at hand—killing the magician."

Number Three laughed. "That's right! I nearly forgot about that one…"

Number One sneered. "Any last words, before we tear you limb from limb, and feast on your juicy entrails…?"

Hikaru gestured behind Mr. Wigglesworth. "Oh my goodness! What's that behind you?"

Number Two snorted. "Oh, how clever…"

"Ingenious…" chortled Number Three.

"Listen, mortal, we don't fall for the same trick twice…" said Number One.

A tight, bitter smile spread over Hikaru's face. "Yeah. I was hoping that was the case."

At just that moment Inu-Yasha slammed Tetsaiga straight through the Elder God. Hikaru grabbed the blade as it passed through.

"As I recall, you skin is like adamant—but I doubt your insides are," he stated flatly as he sent a bolt of pure energy up the blade.

The three mouths screamed in unison. It was, Hikaru realized, the first time they'd all said exactly the same thing.

The energy of the sword and his magic surged through the monster's body. Hikaru could see bits of flesh crumbling away. "Now, Hellcat! Aim for the shard!"

Kagome stood up from her hiding place on the tool shed, and loosed an arrow that quickly tore through the creature's throat, and imbedded itself in a nearby wall, the shard gleaming at its tip. Without the jewel's energy to sustain it, Mr. Wigglesworth was torn apart by the combined assault.

Hikaru released the sword and slumped forward. His arms felt like lead. Actually, all of him did.

Kagome lowered herself from the toolshed roof. "Is—is it dead?"

Hikaru managed a weak shrug. "It's—dispersed beyond a doubt. It won't be able to reform here, not for a long time. And I think it lost a lot of substance from that attack—so maybe it is really, truly dead. Or maybe not."

Kagome smiled. "Oh. Well, good." She glanced at him. "Now all you have to do is the witty catchphrase!"

Hikaru couldn't even muster the energy to glance at her. "The what—?"

"The witty catchphrase!" chirped Kagome. "The joke by which the hero demonstrates his hearty spirit, after he's killed someone."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Ah." He swayed slightly. "Go to hell."

Kagome laughed. "Good one, Dr. Strange."

"Umm, Kagome," Inu-Yasha said quietly, "I think he was sayin' that to you."

Kagome seemed about to reply to that when she noticed Hikaru was falling face-forward.

-----

When Hikaru came to, the first thing he groggily noticed was a poster with both a rainbow _and_ a unicorn on it.

This shocked him sufficiently to fully awaken him.

Glancing around, he decided there were two likely explanations.

Either he had decided to redecorate his room during a semi-conscious haze on the dominant motifs of _pink_, _frilly_, and _stuffed_.

Or he was in somebody else's room.

Kagome's "You're up!" confirmed the second explanation.

Hikaru glanced at her. "Why'd you bring me to your house?"

Kagome shrugged. "You passed out. It's not like we know where you live."

"Oh." Hikaru coughed. "Well, thank you." He glanced around awkwardly. "How long have I been—unconscious…?"

"Two hours," replied Kagome. "I was worried for a bit, but you're tougher than you look." She glanced at him pointedly. "Who's this 'Nabiki' person? Your archnemesis?"

Hikaru thought that over. "More or less." He turned and opened the window. "Well, thanks for the help. Now I must be off. Things to do."

"Doctor Strange—wait." Kagome requested quietly.

Hikaru paused, and looked at her.

"First I'd like to say thank you. I don't know what Inu-Yasha and I would have done without you."

Hikaru fidgeted nervously. "You'd have been fine," he lied. "But thanks for the compliment. Now, if you'd please excuse me…"

"And second," Kagome began, "Inu-Yasha and I—well, really it's just me, but I'm sure he'll agree with me—we'd really like to keep working with you. We think you'll be a big help in our mission to purge the world of injustice, because frankly—" she looked at him confidentially—"I don't think we've quite got it down yet…"

A part of Hikaru felt like saying, _Look, I'm just as confused and clueless as you are_. _I just hide it better_. But he didn't. He at least owed the girl her illusions. "I—prefer to work alone." That was definitely the truth. Hikaru just wasn't terribly fond of people.

"But we can help you!" said Kagome anxiously. "We did last night!"

__

Out of mess you pretty much got me into, thought Hikaru. But he didn't say that either. "I'll contact you if I need to…"

Kagome frowned slightly. "Well, could we at least have your phone number? We'd only use it as necessary!"

Hikaru sighed. "Kagome—I really would prefer it if you left me alone. I've gotten myself into a pretty dangerous situation, and I really don't intend to get anybody else into it." He shook his head. "Last night was just a beginning. There's a lot more for me to do."

"And Inu-Yasha and I want to help you!" Kagome said positively.

"No, you don't" said Hikaru. He headed out the window. "Goodbye."

Kagome actually had to suppress an urge to cry. However, a second later she heard a voice.

"Kagome?"

"Dr. Strange?"

"I changed my mind. You _can_ have my phone number."

"Really?" she asked joyously.

"Yes. Now help me out of this tree. My cloak seems to have gotten tangled up in it."

-----

Hikaru sat down to a breakfast consisting of grapefruit, toast, and grapefruit juice. (Hikaru enjoyed consistency.) Glancing at the paper, he noted the back page included an article about a vampire superhero, Baron Blood, who had performed such feats as saving a girl from a monster, and foiling the robbery attempt on a diner by a supervillain whose name they could not disclose for legal reasons.

Hikaru sighed. It wasn't like he'd expected to be famous. Just that they'd get his name right.

"Hikaru, dear?" asked his mother.

Hikaru glanced up. "Yes?"

"There's a phone call for you, from some girl. Says she's in your manga club."

Hikaru felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Oh. I see."

"I didn't know you were in a manga club."

Hikaru fidgeted. "I joined one recently. On a spontaneous whim."

His mother nodded. "I see." She smiled. "Well, I'm glad to see you're socializing."

Hikaru glanced to the side. "Right…"

"Though I wish you'd tell me about these things…"

"Can I just have the phone?" asked Hikaru.

"Of course, dear," she said, handing it to him. She gave him a light kiss on the forehead. "I hope you enjoy yourself in your new club." She walked away.

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dr. Strange! What did you think of my cover story?"

Hikaru shuddered. "It was ingenious and foolproof." He stiffened. "Kagome, I believe you said that you'd be using my number only when necessary."

"Yep."

"Which apparently means twenty minutes after you get it…"

"Well, we have synchronize our actions," said Kagome in dead earnest. "So, when's our next patrol?"

There are times when you have to bow to the inexorable will of the universe. Hikaru did so.

"Just let me finish my breakfast. I'll get back to you."

"Okay," said Kagome cheerily, hanging up.

Hikaru looked at his grapefruit. Oddly enough, he was no longer hungry.

--Next Chapter--

KAGOME: And so the dice is cast!

HIKARU: That's 'the die is cast'. Or maybe 'the dice are cast'…

KAGOME: What adventures await our intrepid band of adventurers as they eagerly plunge into perilous peril?

INU-YASHA: Hey, I ain't eagerly plunging into anything…

HIKARU: That sentence made my head hurt…

KAGOME: Join us next time for another thrilling collection of thrills, in our next exciting chapter "Friend of the Devil-Slayer"!

HIKARU: Is she always like this…?

INU-YASHA: You have no idea…

HIKARU: (sighs) I could have gotten a good supporting role in that Vampire D fusion, but no! I had to try being a hero, just once…

----

Author's Notes:

To continue my previous statement—I don't own any of these characters. Not even a little. The Marvel characters are the property of Marvel, the Ranma ½ and Inu-Yasha characters are the property of Rumiko Takashi—Jinnai is the property of AIC/Pioneer, and Matsumoto Hiroya is the property of—well someone. I forget who.

This chapter took longer than I'd planned, and is somewhat scattered, but I hope you'll forgive it for that. The next chapter probably won't be as long, but I make no promises…


	3. Friend of the Devil Slayer

Ritsuko Fuchuu (Ritschan to her friends) had seen an awful lot of strange things over the years, working for Akamatsu Industries, Limited (Motto: We'll Build Your Doomsday Device—No Questions Asked!). Some were funny, like when Akamatsu got drunk, and started sing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend". Some were terrifying, like when he started to perform a striptease halfway through. And some were simply weird, like when he'd begun to do a fan dance…

It was hard to figure out where being accosted in an alleyway by a pair of effeminate young men dressed in what looked like school uniforms gone bad went.

"Your life energy or your life!" shouted the slightly more masculine one with pale white hair.

"We mean it!" said the more effeminate one with brown hair (the one who may have been on closer examination, a woman). Both were pointing an item at her that looked vaguely like a gun, if it had been designed by someone who had been trying to create one based on secondhand reports, and a rather specious knowledge of physics.

Ritschan blinked. "Urr—if I give you my life energy won't I die?"

The white-haired one thought that over for a moment. "Well—yes. More or less."

"So what's the incentive for me here?" asked Ritschan. "If I'm gonna die no matter what, why should I do what you say?"

Her attackers looked at each other nervously. Finally, the brunette gave a long, exasperated sigh. "Look, we're pretty new at this…" he (or she) stated.

"Right," said the white-haired one. "We're still ironing out our methods…"

Ritschan stared at the two. "Who are you?"

The white-haired one gave her a smug grin. "I am Malachite, Master Strategist of the Negaverse!"

"And I am Zoisite, his common law companion in arms!" declared the brunette.

Malachite threw back his head and laughed. "So surrender now to—THE DARK LIEUTENANTS OF THE NEGAVERSE!"

"Hey, I've heard of you!" said Ritschan cheerily. "You guys go around fighting all the magic girls… Pretty Sammy…an' Chacha… an' Saint Tail… an' Kamikaze Kaitou —"

"Look, I'd rather you didn't recite the names of every damn one of our dire enemies…" said Malachite peevishly. "It's irritating."

"I thought you guys were the Dark _Generals_, though…" she continued, ignoring him. "And don't you have those youkai servant things…?"

Malachite and Zoisite glanced at each other in acute embarrassment. "We've been demoted," stated Zoisite tersely.

"There's been a change in management," mumbled Malachite. "He—isn't too happy with our low success rate…"

"That BASTARD Annhilus has left us to fend for ourselves!" shouted Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" corrected Malachite. "The Emperor might hear you…"

"Oh, like he gives a damn what we do!" said Zoisite bitterly. "Face it honey, he's tossed us to the curb and now he's just waiting for the trucks to collect us. We're on our own." He (or she) glanced at Malachite pointedly. "Read her that damn letter!"

Malachite sighed. "I don't see what the point is…"

"They've got to see how we've suffered!" spat out Zoisite. "Read the letter."

"Fine." Malachite yanked a scroll out of his sleeves. " 'To the imbecilic bumblers it is my misfortune to call slaves'…"

"That's his pet nickname for us," interjected Zoisite.

" 'Hereby the practice of giving nega-energy to create youkai is ceased, for the reason that is has been pointed out to us by our consort, the Lady Blastaar, formerly klept to you by the name 'Queen Beryl', that such beings seem to exist primarily to be beaten in combat by leggy young women using hearts and love as weapons, which we find most damaging to our imperial dignity. Henceforth my Lieutenants shall battle their opponents by themselves, and triumph or fall by the strength of their own arms. Annhilus decrees it!' "

"So you see what we're dealing with?" moaned Zoisite.

"We tried to start vast combat with our foes, but they kept beating us!" wailed Malachite. "We're on our last ropes!"

"It sounds pretty bad…" agreed Ritschan.

"Well," said Malachite, pressing her against the wall, "It will all get better once we take your life energy! I'm sure of it!"

"Not so fast," said a cool confident voice.

The pair turned just in time to be bowled over by a swift-moving, black and purple blur. Malachite managed—barely—to get himself balanced. "Who…?"

The young man who positioned himself before Ritschan was clad in the robes of a Buddhist monk, dyed black and purple. In his hands was a well-crafted staff, rings jingling on its head. He was handsome, in a rather rakish, cavalier way. "Stand back, vile curs! No flower of womanhood will ever be harmed on the watch of Miroku, THE DEVIL SLAYER!" He twirled his staff menacingly.

"Oh no!" shouted Zoisite. "Not Miroku, the Devil Slayer, who's dashing ways and awesome skills have made him the nemesis of evil beings everywhere!"

Miroku laughed. "That's right."

Zoisite glanced him over. "You're much shorter than I pictured you."

A slight frown came over Miroku's rakish face, following which he tripped Zoisite with his staff.

"Oh, hell," muttered Malachite. He raised his pistol. "I'll shoot! Believe me, I will!"

The Devil Slayer smashed his weapon out of his hands. Malachite watched dully as it fell to the ground, then glanced back at Miroku. "Not in the face," he said weakly.

Miroku struck him solidly in the solar plexus, no doubt due to some unwritten law of superheroic decency.

Ritschan eyed her savior appreciatively. "I…wow." She laughed. "Thanks. That was—amazing."

Miroku bowed. "Thank you fair maiden." He stepped forward and kissed her hand. "And now lady, I have a great favor to ask you—would you be the mother of my child?"

Ritschan's response was immediate. "I have mace," she stated calmly.

Miroku backed away. "Understood."

Ritschan nodded, then walked away. She didn't know what quite to think about what had happened to her, but she thought it could have gone worse.

It was some time later that she realized her purse was missing.

-----

Miroku sighed, as he rooted through the lady's purse. It was always disappointing when his efforts to sire an heir to his illustrious line were stymied, especially by the allegedly grateful beneficiaries of his heroics. Still, he had gotten _some_ assistance from this one. He considered it payment for services rendered.

Malachite rose unsteadily, glaring at Miroku. "That hurt!" he whined.

Miroku shrugged. "It had to look real."

Zoisite glanced at Miroku, mildly amused, while brushing himself off. (Miroku was reasonably certain Zoisite was in fact, a male.) "I don't seem to recall you offering to take hits for the cause."

Miroku smiled benignly. "I do seem to recall being the one who actually lifts the purse." He handed them each a fistful of yen. "Here's your share then."

Malachite sighed. "To think a pair of Dark Generals driven to this…"

Miroku gave Malachite a reproachful glance. "You seemed happy when I offered you this position…"

Zoisite chuckled. "Just ignore Malachite, Miroku—he's always been a bitch. He knows as well as I do it's this or starving in the streets."

Malachite snorted. "Actually I don't." He looked at Zoisite pointedly. "We could have just killed the girl, and taken the money ourselves…"

"And have been immediately hunted down by the police," replied Zoisite. "I think I'll stick with Miroku's way…"

Malachite growled, and walked off, muttering about "backstabbers" and "brownnoses". Zoisite began to follow him, but paused a moment to glance at Miroku. "_That_ was a flower of womanhood?"

"Flattery," stated Miroku flatly, " will get you everywhere."

"Hmm," said Zoisite thoughtfully. "It seems to get you nowhere, but then, what do I know…?"

Miroku considered his services to consist of easing people's mind by giving them a concrete example of good triumphing over evil. Which it did, as Miroku kept checkbooks and credit cards for himself.

Walking out into the street, Miroku glanced at a large moving truck that was bringing office supplies into that new business that was opening up across the road. At midnight.

Well, Miroku had to say this for them—they had interesting scheduling practices. 

As he watched the vaguely distorted workers move their loads into the building a sense of unease grew in Miroku. While a normal person could afford to ignore such feelings, Miroku, a mystically taught Buddhist monk cursed at birth, displaced in time, and generally having a pretty strange go of it, could not. They were correct, more often than not. Something about this business was wrong. No, it wasn't wrong—it was _WRONG_. This was situation that would require immediate looking into.

Tomorrow. Or the day after that. Right now, Miroku was going to go back to his motel room, and enjoy its plentiful supply of pornographic movies, while he practiced forging Ritsuko Fuchuu's signature.

-----

Defending

Chapter 3—"Friend of the Devil-Slayer"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

By David Dee

-----

The Emissaries of Evil were busily explaining their employer's insurance policy to a client.

Of course as the Emissaries of Evil were criminals, the insurance policy they were selling was far better than one you'd receive from a legitimate company. When a criminal sells you an insurance policy it is absolutely certain that the disaster he's selling it for will occur if you don't pay.

The Emissaries of Evil were stressing this point.

"You know," said Rei, the group's field leader, "Egghead doesn't like to be let down…"

"I'm very sorry sir," muttered the storekeeper.

"With the Emissaries of Evil, you don't get sorry," whispered Shin. "What you get is hospital bills if we don't get paid."

"Do you want a demonstration?" asked Gai, the most violent of the four enforcers.

"Yeah, 'cause we can do that!" said Gou, his voice subtly muffled by his faceplate.

"See?" laughed Rei. A man did not become an enforcer at his young age without a damn terrifying laugh. "The general opinion in this room is you should pay up…"

The shopkeeper was not a brave man, but he considered that a better option than being a brave corpse. He began to get them the money.

That was when the whistling started. It was shrill, slightly off-key, and had a quality that caused your teeth to chatter in your skull. Rei glanced at the others. Criminals are, as a rule, rather uneasy at having a protection shakedown being observed, as witnesses rarely grasp the subtle nuances of the deal. "Shin. Gai. Go outside. See who it is."

The pair nodded and head out.

Gou glanced at Rei, clearly offended. "How come you always send them out first?"

Rei froze for a second. This would take some thought. "Because you're the only one I trust to guard me."

"Oh. Thanks, Rei!"

Rei breathed a sigh of relief.

Gai returned. "Umm, guys—you should see this…." They followed him out.

There, on the side of a building, a young man in a red cape stood whistling.

This was far more disconcerting than it sounded, as he was quite literally standing on the side of the building, as if it were the ground, while gravity failed to have the least effect on him.

The Emissaries stared at him awhile. Finally, Rei coughed. "Um—excuse me—what are you doing…?"

The young man turned to look at him. His face was astonishingly pale, and rather strikingly ugly. He shrugged with almost suspicious casualness. "I'm out for a walk."

Rei glanced away. The longer you looked at the young man, the more you got the horrible feeling that you were the one in defiance of the laws of physics. "On the side of a building?" asked Rei forcefully.

This resulted in another shrug. "It's the only way to beat the smog, really." The boy gave a mild laugh. "Can you believe they're selling _air_ now? I mean—air. Sad, isn't it?"

Gou scratched his head—or tried to, the large metal helmet getting in the way. "Are you a superhero?"

The young man snapped his fingers in apparent frustration. "Damn. You had to ask that question." He sighed. "Yes. Yes. I am." And with that he leapt off from the wall, floating down with eerie grace. He glanced at the Emissaries confidently. "So I guess now comes the part with all the screaming, and the yelling, and the cries of mercy, and the passing out?" He looked around distractedly. "Could you promise not bleed on me too much? I'm finding the dry cleaning bills horrible."

Rei stared at him. "Do you realize who we are, idiot?"

His opponent scratched his chin in thought. "An all-male Judy Garland impersonation group that's turned to evil?"

Rei frowned. "No!"

"Oh," said the superhero in resignation. "Liza impersonators, then?"

"NO!" shouted Rei, offended.

Now he seemed puzzled. "Don't tell me you're not all male?"

It was at that point that Gai lost his temper. "We are the Emissaries of Evil, you fool!"

"Gosh," laughed the hero bashfully. "That was going to be my next guess! Boy, I'm bad at these things…"

"Shut up!" shouted Gai. "You have no idea who you're dealing with! Well, we will tell you!"

The young man nodded. "Right, right. And then we'll get on to the part with all the screaming, and the yelling, and the cries of mercy, and the passing out…"

Gai raised his hands, revealing gauntlets with buzzsaws built into them. "I am the Gladiator! Master warrior, and assassin!"

"Because power tools just scream ancient Roman ritual warrior…" muttered the young man.

"Quiet!" screamed Gai.

Shin threw off his cloak, and flexed his muscles, revealing the greyish bodysuit underneath it. "And I am—Rhino! I have the strength and the charging power—of a rhino!"

Rei summoned a solar flare at the tips of his fingertips. "I am their leader, Solarr—the solar-powered man!"

Gou stepped forward, and started up his suit's power cells. An eerie blue glow covered him. "And I am Cobalt Man. The—well, cobalt powered man…"

The man nodded. "Took you a while to come up with those names, didn't it? I bet you strained your minds and stayed up the entire night, trying to think of something that conveyed the awesome spectacle of might that is you…"

Rei snarled. "Listen you—laugh all you want…you're outnumbered four to one!"

The young man smiled slightly. "But don't you want to know who I am…?" He spread his hands, and waved them menacingly. "I am… DR. STRANGE!" There was a peal of thunder, which was quite unusual when you considered that there were no clouds out at the moment. "Master of the Five Elements! Wielder of mystic forces beyond the mortal ken! Guy who can talk in a really florid manner, and use lots of adjectives!" Dr. Strange stared at them forcefully. "Can you say these things as well? Can you even understand them?" He smiled. "Please respond. We'd be delighted to hear from you."

"That's right!" shouted a female voice. A young woman dressed in a cat costume jumped out, and stood in front of Dr. Strange. A young man in a red kimono with a pentacle scrawled on it rushed after her. "And you were wrong about the numbers! He isn't outnumbered four to one! You're outnumbered three to four!"

The young man in the kimono looked puzzled. "Umm—they still outnumber us, Kag—"

The woman kicked him in the shin. "What did I tell you about using my name!" She crossed her arms sulkily. "And I was bein' metaphorical…"

The young man rubbed his leg, and shouted at her. "Well, you didn't have to kick me!"

"What are you two doing here?" Dr. Strange asked, clearly furious.

"We're helping you on patrol!" answered the young woman.

Dr. Strange began to rub his forehead. "But I don't recall _asking_ you for help on this patrol. In fact, I don't even recall telling you where I was." He stared at the girl levelly. "So how do you know?"

She coughed awkwardly. "Well, we sorta—followed you back to your house last night, and then we just—kinda—waited for you head out tonight…"

"Okay," said Dr. Strange slowly. "We will discuss this… later. Much later." He turned to the Emissaries of Evil. "So, introductions are in order. These are my deranged stalkers, Hellcat and Son of Satan."

"Hey, she's the deranged one!" said Son of Satan. "I ain't got no choice about things!"

"Umm, hi…" muttered Hellcat.

"Pleased to meet you!" stated Gou.

Rei slapped his forehead. "All right everyone—stop wasting time—and ATTACK THESE PEOPLE!"

Gou raised his arm, the bluish glow concentrating at his hand. "Right. One radioactive charge on the way." He laughed. "Prepare to face the power of COBALT!"

Dr. Strange bolted forward, pushing Son of Satan and Hellcat out of the way, and waved his hand. The charge flickered and went out. Gou stared forward, startled. "Wha—what happened?"

"I've convinced your cobalt a couple of hundred years had passed. I recommend a change of name—Lead Man, the lead powered man…"

Rei stared at Gou. "Well, at least you could charge at them…"

Gou coughed. "Umm, Rei—this suit's propulsion system runs on the same cobalt that the weapon's system does… so I sort of can't move…"

Rei glared at Shin and Gai. "Well, what are you waiting for? Attack you idiots!" The Emissaries of Evil charged forward, while Dr. Strange and the others backed away. 

Gou however remained exactly where he was.

"Umm, guys—I've got an itch in my back…" He coughed. "Guys…?" He coughed again. "Come on guys! Please! This isn't funny!"

He'd shouted himself hoarse when the police came.

-----

"—And I'm just sayin' you didn't have to take down that Rhino guy!" said Inu-Yasha resentfully.

"You hadn't beaten him yet," said Hikaru with dull calm.

"But he was mine! I didn't go after your two guys!" shouted Inu-Yasha.

"That might be because it took me three minutes to beat both of them," said Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha glared at him. "Hey, you callin' me weak!"

Hikaru sighed. "No—I'm saying that you tend to drag your fights on a bit too long…"

"Hmmph. Just 'cause I enjoy a good scrap is no reason fer you to steal my guys…" muttered Inu-Yasha petulantly. 

"I don't recall this being a competitive sport," replied Hikaru, just a touch of anger coming into his voice.

Inu-Yasha growled slightly and glanced away.

"Well," said Kagome, questioningly, "I don't see why we had to leave right after I called the police. They're our allies in the fight against crime!"

Hikaru stared at her for a short while. "Well, if you want to explain to Tokyo's Finest what you are doing in the early hours of the evening dressed as a cat, be my guest. Just don't expect me to post bail…"

Kagome frowned. "I'm certain they'd understand…"

Hikaru laughed agreeably. "Certainly. The police are so tolerant of unusual behavior. Legendarily so, in fact."

Kagome seemed slightly uncertain. "I suppose we do have more evil to thwart…"

Hikaru nodded. "I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking. Now come on, mes pards, it's going to be a busy night—we have yet another apocalypse to avert…" Hikaru sighed. A half week into fighting demons, and he was already under great strain.

And the demons were only a small part of that…

-----

Miroku sat in bed thinking things over. The business that he'd seen a couple days ago continued to plague his thoughts. He'd actually walked by it several times in the course of his affairs, but it hadn't shown the slightest bit of activity. He should have felt relieved, but his sense of unease had only grown. Perhaps he should check the place out…

There was a knock on his door. Miroku, with ninja-like agility and stealth, rolled off, then underneath his bed. He waited for the latest assault on his crusade against evil. Finally, it came.

"Mr. Miroku—I know you're in there!" A pause. "This is the manager. Look, I'm not going to open the door this time, but next time I will. Your bill is two weeks overdue, and I can't wait much longer for it to be paid." Another pause, after which the voice resumed with increased warmth. "And stop ordering movies, if you're not going to pay for them! I mean, how many showings of 'Night Nurses IV: Hootersville Hospital' can one man watch?!" 

Miroku listened as the man turned around and walked away, then shook his head. He received so little credit for his selfless fight against the forces of darkness. Which was another reason to look into this business—there might be some money in it, if not enough to pay his bill, then enough to skip out and go to a new place.

Miroku flipped on the television. If his timing was right he'd be able to see Nurses Hornee and Feelgood teach frigid Miss Icy the joys of loosening up. He took a deep breath. The immense burdens he was under, as a defender of righteousness.

-----

Daisuke sat in the Furinkan High cafeteria, staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. 

Admittedly Sayuri might not make it into many people's top ten list as far as beauty was concerned, even though they'd admit she was easy on the eyes, but Daisuke was sure this was due to a flaw in their perceptions. Of course, if he'd been forced to think on it, Daisuke would have to admit that his perceptions had suffered a similar flaw until last week, when Sayuri became the "it" girl of Furikan High School, for the same mysterious reasons that Charles Ponzi became the financial wizard of Boston in the 1920s. But Daisuke was rarely forced to think on things, which was probably a good thing, as he wasn't that good at it.

Indeed, at the moment he was attempting that operation with limited success. He was (he realized this in a vague way) not extraordinarily (or even ordinarily) attractive to women. Thus he had no chance of getting in with Sayuri, as things now stood.

This seemed to him a monstrous injustice, and one that needed immediate rectification.

However, when he thought about it, Daisuke realized he had very little idea how to do this. A smarter man would have considered changing something about himself, but Daisuke wasn't a smarter man, so he chose a different route.

Politics. Or their high school equivalent.

Sayuri was a friend of Nabiki's. And Nabiki was a friend of…

"Hikaru Gosunkugi?" said Hiroshi, puzzled. "But why him…?"

Daisuke glared at him. Hiroshi was his best friend, but simultaneously, he bugged the hell out of Daisuke. A smarter man would have mused on this matter, but once again, Daisuke wasn't a smarter man.

"Because, he's the thing nobody is looking to use—the secret pathway…" said Daisuke. Plus, he owed Nabiki too much money to even consider approaching her directly. 

"Oh, like in a video game!" Hiroshi smiled, immensely reassured. The conversation was about things he understood again. "You know the newest _Dead or Alive_ game has the hottest chicks…"

Daisuke frowned. "That is _not_ important right now…"

Hiroshi's voice lowered to a confidential level. "I hear there's a naked code for it…"

Daisuke started. "Really? How's it wor…?" He shook his head. "Oh, stop distracting me." He glanced over at the table where Hikaru sat by himself, flipping through some book. "My foolproof plan is going into effect. I will befriend Hikaru Gosunkugi, and then he'll put in a good word for me with Nabiki, who will put in a good word for me with Sayuri, who will then BE MINE!"

Hiroshi snorted. "My darling Sayuri would never fall for such matters. My declaration of love tonight is sure to win her heart." He brought up a small plastic bag. "After I cover her house in heart decorated toilet paper, she is sure to conceive a burning passion for me! And if that doesn't work, the pink shaving cream in her mailbox will do the job!"

Daisuke stared at him. "Hiroshi, do all of your declarations of love seem like childish pranks?"

Hiroshi turned away sulkily. "Only to eyes clouded with hateful jealously."

"Oh, why am I wasting my time here?" muttered Daisuke, standing up abruptly. He walked over to Hikaru. Hikaru was flipping through his book, and patently ignoring everything else in the room. Daisuke stood next to him, and cleared his throat.

Hikaru continued to read his book.

Daisuke went "Psst!"

Hikaru continued to read his book.

Daisuke nudged him in the shoulder.

Hikaru continued to read his book.

Daisuke leaned forward, putting his face between Hikaru and the book, and said, "Hi."

Hikaru put down his book, and glanced at him, in a rather annoyed fashion. "Why, hello. My goodness. Have you been standing there all this time, and I didn't see you?" Hikaru's voice seemed curiously flat. "How intolerably rude of me." He glanced Daisuke over, an uncertain flicker passing over his face. "Hiroshi, right?"

"Daisuke," said Daisuke uneasily. "Hiroshi has brown hair. Mine is black."

"Ah." Much to Daisuke's concern, Hikaru seemed to be filing that statement away for future reference.

Hikaru stared inquisitively at him.

Daisuke stared back, nervous.

Things were perfectly silent for awhile. 

Finally, Hikaru went back to his book.

"You know, Hikaru," Daisuke shot out, "I never knew how much we had in common."

Hikaru gave him a sidelong glance. "Really? I never knew we had anything in common."

Daisuke froze. Crap! This was proving harder than he'd thought! "Well—" he at last ventured, "we're both guys. And we—both attend the same school…"

Hikaru actually blinked at that. It was the first time in his life that Daisuke found someone blinking terrifying. "My goodness!" stated Hikaru, a dangerous undercurrent of cheeriness in his voice. "That is an awful lot! On reflection, it occurs to me that we are both carbon-based lifeforms. Of the same genus and species, most likely." Hikaru grinned at him. Daisuke actually felt an urge to take a step back. "I now see that we have a suitable basis for a friendship. And an important part of friendship is being sensitive to the wishes of our friends."

Daisuke smiled. Things actually seemed to be working out. "Exactly!"

"Goodbye then."  
Hikaru went back to his book.

Daisuke took a deep breath. This was Hikaru Gosunkugi, for godssake! The one person in Furinkan that every other member of the student body could look down on. He shouldn't be brushing Daisuke off! He should be happy that Daisuke was even deigning to speak to him! No—strike that, he should be ecstatic that Daisuke was even noticing he existed! It just wasn't fair. Things weren't supposed to go this way!

Hikaru glanced at him, half amused, half annoyed. "You haven't moved, Daisuke."

Daisuke practically jumped. "Umm, yes, well, I…"

"What do you want Daisuke?"

Daisuke gulped. "Nothing, nothing, I—"

Hikaru rubbed his forehead lightly. "Please don't lie to me Daisuke. I really don't have the patience for it. And don't tell me that you're here for the pleasure of my company. I'm a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them." He thought that over. "Well, not that brand of stupid, anyway." He went back to his book. "So, out with it."

"I need you to put in a good word with Nabiki for me!"

Hikaru stared at him a moment. "Explain why I need to do this?"

"So I can go out with Sayuri!"

Hikaru seemed to stare right through him. "That explanation not only didn't clarify matters, it actually made them more opaque." He took a deep breath. "Now first—why do you need to go out with Sayuri? I thought you liked Yuka."

Daisuke frowned. "Sayuri is my true love. My feelings for Yuka were a passing phase…"

"Like your feelings for Akane," noted Hikaru.

"Uh, yes, like…"

"Or your feelings for Miss Midori, the kindergarten teacher …"

"Umm—what's the point of all this…?"

Hikaru waved his hand. "Just noting that you go through a lot of passing phases. Okay, now, how does my going to Nabiki and telling her you're a great guy get you Sayuri? Explain this, demonstrating how point A leads to point C, traveling through point B." He smiled slightly. "Use concise sentences."

"Nabiki is Sayuri's friend. You are Nabiki's friend. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

Hikaru squinted slightly. "Nabiki has friends? That's news to me." He went back to his book.

Daisuke stared at him. "Look, I know she's prickly…"

Hikaru laughed. "Nabiki Tendou is prickly the way a knife is prickly. Not the way a hedgehog is prickly, which seems to be what you're implying."

Daisuke stared at him. "Aren't you going to give me any help?"

Hikaru glanced back at him. "You love this girl?"

"With all my heart," replied Daisuke without a moment's hesitation.

Hikaru looked at him for a moment, then went back to his book. "Lick the floor, and I'll do what you asked."

"What?"

"Lick the floor," Hikaru repeated evenly. "Get on you knees, and lick the floor, using your tongue. Do that and I'll consider helping you."

Daisuke stared at him. "Are you crazy?"

Hikaru smiled. "A tad touched perhaps." A serious look came over his face. "Those are my terms. Take them or leave them."

Daisuke shuddered. "But what you're talking about is humiliating and degrading!"

Hikaru laughed. "And I thought you loved her with all your heart. You won't even consider my terms…" Hikaru glanced at him evenly. "You see, Daisuke, what I'm talking about is love. Degradation and humiliation are the primary ingredients. If you're not willing to drag yourself through broken glass and nitric acid—_twice_—with nothing more than her glorious memory to pull you through—well, it isn't very sincere."

Daisuke blinked. "What—what are you saying?"

Hikaru leaned back to look at him. "I'm questioning the depths of your 'feelings' for Sayuri. You pledge eternal devotion readily enough, but pledging is easy. Proving it's the hard part." He went back to his book. "I don't think you did. You may be interested in Sayuri, but it isn't love. Not by a long shot."

Daisuke's eyebrows arched in a position of supreme rage. "You dare! You dare question the burning passion I feel for Sayuri! I have half a mind to challenge you to fight right now!"

Hikaru chuckled. "And wouldn't that be an epic struggle of the Titans?" 

Daisuke stared at him, angrily. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well, I may not be able to tell you two apart easily, but I do recall you and Hiroshi were beat up by a group of eight year old girls…"

Daisuke began to shake apoplectically. "That is a vile lie! They were twelve-year olds! And ninjas!" 

Hikaru smiled a bit at that.

Daisuke shook his fist. "Like you'd have done any better!"

Hikaru flipped a page of his book. "Well, that's generally the reason I don't go challenging people to fights…"

Daisuke swung his fist at Hikaru's face. There was a slap. Daisuke shook his head. The noise seemed to have come just bit too early. He looked down.

Hikaru, it seemed, had grabbed fist in midair. Without even turning. While reading his book. 

Daisuke stared at him. Hikaru glanced up at him, and shook his head. "Ahh, Daisuke. Is this what our friendship has come to?"

Daisuke bit his lip and walked away. Faced down by Hikaru Gosunkugi! This was the sort of thing you never lived down—that required moving to other school systems in a desperate attempt to avoid the vile stench it left behind. Hiroshi glanced at him as he sat back down. "How'd it go?"

"Not well," muttered Daisuke.

-----

"Y'know Miroku, you're all right, by superhero standards," muttered Zoisite, slightly drunk. "You understand just 'cause a bloke's got to work in the service of evil doesn't make him a bad guy…"

Miroku took a sip from his bourbon. "I believe in judging people in a case-by-case basis," he stated evenly.

Malachite blinked miserably. "Once whole civilizations shuddered at the mere mention of my name, you know that?!"

"What you believe in Miroku," said Zoisite, "is making a quick profit."

"Okay, I admit they weren't very big civilizations, or particularly advanced ones but still—CIVILIZATIONS MAN!" complained Malachite emotively.

"Not that I have anything against that," continued Zoisite. "In fact, I admire it."

"I mean, do you realize that most of Belgium lived in terror of me at one point?" muttered Malachite.

"It's not just the profit!" said Miroku. "I consider you two good friends and invaluable sources of information!"

"Oh—and Finland! I was pretty big up there!" Malachite ranted drunkenly.

Zoisite gave a slight nod. The former supervillain didn't have much pride left, but what was there could be worked on. "An invaluable source…" A slight chuckle escaped Zoisite's lips. "What do you want to know…?"

"That business opening up downtown—there's something off about it…" began Miroku.

"And the Isle of Yapp!" said Malachite. "I had those bastards crawling!"

Zoisite shrugged. "All that I know about that place is that I know very little about that place. No sign of a boss—no idea what it does—no mention of hiring anybody." A smile spread over the handsome face. "Suspicious yet?"

"I mean, say what you will—that's an impressive body of work…" whimpered Malachite.

"Quite," said Miroku, leaning back and finishing his bourbon. "Tell me, Zoisite, would you and Malachite consider doing me a favor…?"

"Oh god," moaned Malachite. "Has my whole life been a lie?" He began sobbing inarticulately.

Zoisite laughed. "Where you're concerned Miroku, there's only two questions—'What is it?' and 'How much would we get paid?' "

Miroku nodded and leaned forward.

-----

Hikaru was not in a very good mood. In fact he was downright snippy. So, he had done what he always did when depression weighed him down so heavily he feared he wouldn't be able to move.

He'd skipped to read peacefully on the roof. In peace.

There were many reasons that he was in a snippy mood today. The Number One reason was that Akane was home sick today, allegedly with a cold, with the result that he had been denied the blessed oasis from fear that was her face. Worse, he'd seen Akane out walking behind her house, which meant that she'd fabricated the illness for some unfathomable reason. Hikaru was working out several theories, and was presently split between an attempted elopement with a foreigner who was going to sweep her away to Paris, and a secret life as a yakuza errand girl, living under the constant threat of rival families. Needless to say, all this theorizing was having a bad effect on Hikaru's disposition, which could not be called rosy in the most favorable of conditions.

Of course there were two other reasons for Hikaru's bad disposition of late, two reasons that ranked just below Akane's mysterious absence. Two reasons that caused him great irritation. Two reasons that lost him sleep. Two reasons—

"Hi, Dr. Strange!" said Reason #2, leaning over his shoulder with Reason #3 in tow. "How are you?"

Hikaru suppressed an urge to scream, as Reasons #2 and 3 jumped over Reason #1, and did a dance on top of it. "Kagome. And Inu-Yasha." He ground his teeth. "Why are you here?"

Kagome laughed. "Well, we wanted to see you of course…"

Hikaru stood up and glanced around. "Kagome… I'm on the roof…"

Kagome nodded. "Yeah, Inu-Yasha thought he smelled you up here, so we climbed up the walls…"

Hikaru glanced down past the railing. "This is a five story building…"

Kagome shrugged. "Well, I didn't say it was easy…"

"Maybe not for you," Inu-Yasha muttered.

"DON'T YOU TWO HAVE LIVES?" screamed Hikaru.

Kagome glared at him. "Well, you don't have to yell." She glanced around hurt. "And I'll have you know that Inu-Yasha and I do have lives—lives dedicated with every fiber of our being to crime-fighting…"

Hikaru let out an inarticulate moan, and then slumped forward, defeated. "Today is a school day," he muttered slowly.

Kagome glanced away. "Well, Inu-Yasha can't go to school 'cause he isn't registered—and I can't go to school 'cause I've got a government order, barring me from attending."

Hikaru's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What?"

Kagome giggled nervously. "It's on account of my leprosy."

Hikaru's eyebrows remained up. "Leprosy?"

Kagome looked at her feet. "My grandpa got a bit carried away…"

Hikaru sat down dazed. One question was being screamed in his mind—what had he done to deserve this?

-----

"Well, here are the packages, Dr. Tofu…" said the delivery man. "Sign here."

Dr. Tofu Ono jotted down his name cheerfully. "Thank you. You have no idea how glad I am to get these…"

The delivery man glanced up in the trees. "Hey, is that an owl?"

Dr. Tofu glanced up and nodded. "It's been there for about…four months now. I believe it's a North Pacific Clicking Owl."

"That so, " said the delivery man. "What makes you think that?"

"Well," said Dr. Tofu, "if you listen very carefully you'll hear its call—a sort of clicking…"

__

-Click-Click-Click- went the owl, in a manner somewhat reminiscent of a camera, if one had a reason to make that connection.

-----

Hikaru sighed. Okay, okay. He'd take down his spy camera. And get rid of his picture collection. And…

Well, he'd take care of things. 

"So," began Hikaru, "The actual answer to my question was 'No, you do not have lives'." Hikaru took a deep breath. "Well, I do have a life. It's a small, sad, pathetic thing, but it is my own, so please, please let me get on with it."

"Come on, Hikaru!" Kagome said pleadingly. "I know we're having problems working together, but I'm sure we can take care of that! We can learn how to function as a group, both as superheroes and regular individuals!"

Hikaru began to massage his forehead. "And how are we going to do that?"

Kagome shrugged. "Well, we can start by finding shared interests! Like reading!" She glanced at Hikaru's book. "What are you reading?"

Hikaru stared at her despairingly, and then held up his book. "_Le Nausea_, by Sartre," he replied.

"Ahh!" said Kagome. She thought about the title, as if trying to remember it, and then smiled. "So what's it about?"

"Man's existence in a bleak, amoral universe devoid of all ethical laws save for those we make," answered Hikaru.

"Sounds fun!" answered Kagome automatically.

Hikaru screwed up his face, and let forth a primal scream. "Damn it! Don't you get it! I'm not a deluded loser like you! I'm a completely different sort of deluded loser! We have nothing in common!"

"Oh, yes we do," said Kagome. "We're both superheroes." She immediately stiffened. "Fans."

Hikaru squinted in puzzlement. "Kagome, that was strange and nonsensical even for you." He noticed that Kagome was staring of in a fixed direction, nervously. Hikaru turned around, and immediately began frowning. "Nabiki," he stated in tones of sweetest vinegar. "Were you looking for me, or did you just happen to hear the sound of a yen piece hitting the ground?"

Nabiki frowned back at him. "You know, Gosunkugi, you have really taken to pressing your luck…"

Hikaru glanced away, irritated. "Yes, Nabiki, I know how horrible it must be to have one your marks grow a spine. My hearts bleeds for you. 'Flow my tears', the policeman said…"

Nabiki chose to ignore that. "So who're your friends?" Nabiki glanced Kagome and Inu-Yasha over with the forceful finesse of a police officer memorizing the people in lock-up. "I don't believe we've met."

Hikaru gestured at Kagome. "This Kagome, my…"

"Fiancee!" blurted out Kagome.

"Friend from my manga club," completed Hikaru with a bitter glance in Kagome's direction.

A rather amused, knowing grin came over Nabiki's face. "So, which is it?" she asked.

"Neither!" shot out Kagome.

"Both," muttered Hikaru with tired resignation.

"I'm his cousin!" squeaked Kagome.

Nabiki's look of cynical knowledge had been replaced by one of general confusion. "Umm, so are you engaged or not?"

"Yes!" said Kagome. "We are engaged!" She glanced at Hikaru. "Aren't we?"

Hikaru began to massage his forehead. "Yes, Kagome. We are engaged."

Kagome turned to Nabiki and nodded. "Yep. Most definitely engaged."

Nabiki's smile reappeared. "Well, well, well. When did this happen, Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru exhaled loudly. "It's one of those traditional intra-family arranged engagements. You know, pledged at birth, and so forth…"

A bit of skepticism appeared on the edges of Nabiki's eyes. "Didn't know your family went in for that sort of thing…"

"Neither did I," said Hikaru levelly. "And to think that I was going to rely on my good looks, and winning personality."

"Well," said Nabiki, giving him an overly familiar pat on the shoulder, "call me when you've got a date for the wedding. I'd be willing to forward my sister's services as a caterer, for a sizable discount."

Hikaru gave her a cool stare. "Kasumi, I assume."

"Why, no." Nabiki grinned merrily. "Akane! Everyone knows how fond you are of her cooking."

Hikaru's cool stare lowered a few degrees in temperature. No doubts what that meant. He took a deep breath. Time to begin 'Operation: Save Chances With Akane'. "Listen, Nabiki," he whispered, "I wouldn't expect a wedding announcement to appear in the paper any time soon. Or possibly at all."

Nabiki's eyes spread in shock. "Now, Gosunkugi, why would you turn your back on something like that?" she asked in an unpleasant murmur.

Hikaru coughed. "Note my cousin's halting confused speech, and twitchy ways."

"Ohh," said Nabiki with dawning comprehension.

"Don't mention a word of this to her—it would break the poor dear's heart." Hikaru glanced around furtively. "And I wouldn't mention anything about Santa Claus either…"

Nabiki turned to Kagome and nodded in a very patronizing manner. "Well, hello there. I'm Nabiki Tendou." She nodded again, and spoke very slowly. "How are you?"

"Fine," Kagome answered. She turned to Hikaru. "This is Nabiki? I thought she'd be some sort of giant…"

Nabiki glanced at Hikaru, somewhat angered, and found him rubbing his temples. She decided not to comment on things after all. She turned to Inu-Yasha. "And who's this?"

Hikaru's eyes snapped open in panic. "Why that's—that's—Yoshi! Yoshi Sai!" He began to laugh nervously. "My good friend from Nagasaki!" He coughed. "If you catch my drift…"

Nabiki nodded. "I thought that wasn't a costume." She grinned at Inu-Yasha. "A friendly word of advice—muties aren't too popular here."

Hikaru laughed. "Spoken with all the tolerance that I've learnt to expect from you."

Nabiki smiled. "Well, I heard you had some new friends Hikaru, and I wanted to see them." She walked off. "And now that I have, I've got to say—it's nice to see you've found—" She paused here, feigning to consider her next words. "Your sort of people." And with a mocking peal, Nabiki was off.

Hikaru began to clench his fists. "Do you think she suspects we're superheroes?" Kagome asked.

Hikaru glanced at her. "Trust me, Kagome, that is the last thing she would ever think." He scowled. This was turning into a really annoying day.

A peal of thunder was heard in the sky.

Hikaru seethed. And now it was raining. Perfect.

-----

Daisuke threw down his controller in frustration, nearly spilling the bowl of nachos set between him and Hiroshi. "Damn it, Hiroshi, that's the seventh time you beat me!"

Hiroshi gave an aristocratic sniff. "Is it my fault that you can't approach my level of vaunted skill?"

"That's because I don't play for eight hours a day!" 

"I think someone's being a Grousy Gertie."

Daisuke blinked. "What the hell does that mean?"

Hiroshi shrugged. "I dunno."

"Oh, forget about this!" swore Daisuke, turning to the pile of magazines. "Now where's this nude code?"

Hiroshi thought it over. "I think it's in _Video Game Maniac_. Or maybe _Video Game Fanatic_. Or was it _Video Game Zealot_? No—no, I've got it—it was in _Video Game Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder_! I'm pretty sure that's the one."

Daisuke grumbled to himself, and flipped through the last designated magazine looking for the code. He wasn't having any luck, when he saw the ad.

'**DO YOU WANT ULTIMATE POWER?**', it asked, in bold red letters.

Daisuke found himself intrigued.

'_Are you a pathetic failure, a poor excuse for a human being_?'

Daisuke felt insulted by that. But he didn't stop reading.

'_Do the strong and powerful take advantage of you with their superior martial skill_? _Do the witty and clever baffle you with their verbal byplay_? _Do the beautiful and desirable ignore your existence_?'

Oddly enough, Daisuke found himself thinking of Nabiki, Hikaru, and Sayuri in short order.

'_We can help_,' promised the ad. '_Call Ultimate Power, Inc_. _666-1313-DAMNED_.'

Daisuke glanced at Hiroshi. "Hey, can I use your phone?"

Hiroshi continued to play his video game. "Are you going to call a sex line?"

"No!"

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Damn. Mom won't let me use them, and I thought that might be a way around it."

Daisuke glared at him, and called the number. After about eight rings, a female voice picked up the phone. "Hello, Ultimate Power, Inc. Offering your hearts darkest desires at a very reasonable price."

Daisuke smiled. "Hello, I—"

"Please hold," said the voice.

'_I come from a land down under_,' began the hold music, '_where women glow and men plunder_. _Can you hear, can you hear the thunder_? _You better run, you better take cover_—'

The phone clicked as the flute music started. "Hello, sir? Are you still there?"

"Yes," said Daisuke.

"Just checking." 

-_Click_-

'_Love is a burning thing—And it makes a fiery ring—Bound by wild desire—I fell into ring of fire. I fell into a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher. And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire_…"

-_Click_-

"Still there, sir?"

"Well, yes, now—"

"Good."

-_Click_-

'_Who wants to play those eights and aces? Who wants a raise—who needs a stake? Who wants to take that long shot gamble—and head out to Fire Lake_?'

-_Click_-

"How about now? Still on?"

"Yes! Now would you please—"

-_Click_-

'_I shouted out, "Who killed the Kennedys?" when after all—it was you and me! Let me please introduce myself—I'm a man of wealth and taste—and I laid traps_—'

This time Daisuke started shouting as soon as he heard the click. "Listen, what is the idea here?! I have been patient long enough, and now—!"

"You know," said the female voice on the other end, "we are a very busy business, sir. Our services are in constant demand by many people, often in high positions—lawyers, media moguls, politicians, celebrities, radio talk show hosts…"

"Um, sorry, miss…" said Daisuke, sheepishly.

"So would you like an appointment?"

"Uh, sure," Daisuke replied.

"Tonight at eight then," replied the woman. "It will be a pleasure doing business with you."

"Right," said Daisuke.

"By the way—not that this means anything—but are you the least bit squeamish about the sight of your own blood?"

-----

"Fiancée!" screamed Inu-Yasha, looking for all the world like a man about to have a conniption fit. "What was that about?!"

Kagome glanced at him, while continuing her archery practice. "I just needed a cover identity. It's not like it's real or anything."

"Yes…" whimpered Inu-Yasha, "But—Fiancée…?!"

Kagome set up her shot, and released. "It's all I could think of on short notice…" A grin broke out on her face. "All right! Bullseye!"

"Why not cousin?!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"Did that too…" muttered Kagome, taking out another arrow.

"You know what I MEANT!" shouted Inu-Yasha. "Why'd you have to pretend to be engaged to that bastard?" He turned away. "He really, really bugs me. Like when he stole my fight last night…"

Kagome rolled her eyes. "Inu-Yasha, Hikaru did not steal your fight. In fact, he probably saved your life…"

Inu-Yasha crossed his arms. "Did not! I don't need my life saved by that whinin', flyin', energy-blastin' fake! I'm five times the man he is! No, ten! He wishes he was as good as me!" Inu-Yasha turned back to look at her. "You know that's right Kagome."

Kagome stared at him a moment.

Inu-Yasha gulped. "You do know that's right, don't you?"

A slight smile came Kagome's lips. "You're jealous."

Inu-Yasha immediately began to honestly and truly panic. "Wha—? Am not!"

Kagome giggled. "You are! You're totally threatened by him, and everythin'!"

Inu-Yasha crossed his arms peevishly. "I AM NOT!"

"Are too!" said Kagome, stringing her next arrow. "You are green with envy!"

Inu-Yasha began to pout. "Am not! And—and—and—your hair's really ugly…"

Kagome missed the next shot, by a significant margin. "What—did you say…?"

Inu-Yasha had an immediate sense that he'd stepped over an invisible line that was not to be crossed. "I… just said… your hair's…really…ugly…"

A nearby tree that Kagome's arrow had buried itself in exploded. "NOBODY INSULTS MY HAIR!" she screamed. 

Inu-Yasha gulped at the sight of a very angry Kagome.

This was the end of all civil conversation between the two for the next few hours.

-----

Hikaru sat in the café frowning. Kagome and Inu-Yasha had been getting more and more irritating over a period of days, steadily reaching an annoying critical mass. He'd lost his temper with them this afternoon. He was going to lose it again—and it was probably going to be worse.

He signaled the waitress. "Another cup of coffee. Mocha Delight."

She glanced at him. "You've had six already."

Hikaru stared at her drearily. "Your point being?"

The waitress stared back. "If I give you another cup, you are probably going to have a heart attack right in front of me."

Hikaru shrugged. "I'm willing to take that risk."

"Well, I'm not," stated the waitress darkly. "Understand?"

Hikaru sluggishly raised his arm, and extended his wrist. "Take my pulse…"

"What?" stated the waitress, her eyes widening.

"Take my pulse." Hikaru sighed. "I'd make it simpler, but we're already down to single syllables…"

The waitress eyed him suspiciously. "This isn't some perverted 'touch of a woman' thing, is it?"

"Don't flatter yourself. Now take my pulse."

Grumbling something about 'rude young bastards', the waitress did as he asked. After about a minute, her face took on a rather startled expression. "Umm… Fifty-something beats a minute…"

"Yep," said Hikaru tersely.

"With six cups of coffee in you," continued the waitress. 

"Uh-huh," replied Hikaru.

"Are you—legally dead, or something…?" she asked, quietly.

"I don't know—haven't checked. Now, that next cup? I promised myself I'd try every type of coffee you've got here, and I intend to keep that promise…" He tapped the counter. "Also I hope to resolve a long-standing suspicion of mine that Mocha Delight and Chocolate Hazelnut are actually the same flavor…"

The waitress headed back, eyeing him suspiciously. "Haven't I seen you before?"

"Probably," replied Hikaru. "I'm something of a regular." Hikaru tapped his fingers on the counter as she headed back into the kitchen. There was one benefit to being a sorcerer, he found—you no longer worried too much about the opinions of others. A slight smile came to his face. It was nice to have just a touch of self-respect.

At that moment, a glowing image of the Ancient One appeared beside him. "Hikaru, my disciple…"

Hikaru groaned. "Do you mind? I'm having a cup of coffee…"

"I am contacting you from afar to give you grave news."

"Well," said Hikaru grimly, "it was too much to hope it was to ask how I was doing."

"Dark forces are at work, my disciple."

"I know, I know. They're always at work. Evil is having a twenty-four hour love-in, and it's my sworn duty to breakup the party and confiscate the liquor."

"Umm… right," said the Ancient One, clearly puzzled by Hikaru's statement. Finally, letting it pass, he assumed a pose of great importance. "A force of evil of great power has come to Tokyo, Hikaru. It will bring a horrible—"

"Disturbance in the Force," muttered Hikaru tiredly. "I understand, Obi Wan." He leaned back. "I am on it. Like white on rice. Like flies on—well, I'm on it."

"This is no laughing matter, disciple."

Hikaru sighed. "I know that. I'm the one in the trenches facing Armageddon, and you know what? The world's still here, so I must be doing a halfway decent job."

A bit of a smile came to the Ancient One's face. "That is one way of putting it." He chuckled. "So how are you?"

Hikaru shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Comme ci, comme ca."

The Ancient One nodded, and then turned into a column of bright light and vanished. Hikaru rolled his eyes. "No restraint…" He glanced up.

The waitress was staring at him, holding his cup of coffee. After a long silence, she spoke. "There was a—man—a glowing man…"

Hikaru took his cup of coffee. "You were hallucinating."

She stared at him. "You were talking to it…"

"I was also hallucinating."

The waitress's eyes arched cynically. "Two people can hallucinate the same thing?"

"Happens all the time." Hikaru sipped his coffee. "What do you know? They are subtly different."

-----

"Honestly, Zoisite," commented Jadeite, "I don't know why you and Malachite are doing this."

Zoisite continued to look across the street through his opera glasses. "Because unlike you, my old friend, we are interested in surviving our exile. Isn't that right, dear?"

"A lie," muttered Malachite darkly. "A bitter, empty, meaningless lie!"

"Of course, darling," said Zoisite, good-humoredly patting him on the head.

"Honestly, Zoisite, you and your persecution complex!" laughed Jadeite. "Annhilus may not like us, but Queen Beryl is still on our side."

"Don't you mean 'Lady Blastarr'?

"Let's not quibble. If we just do our jobs, she'll reinstate us. Just you watch." Jadeite glanced over to the side. "If you'd just excuse me for a moment." He walked over to a nervous looking salaryman who'd been hovering around the group for sometime. "Hello sailor. Mind if I siphon off your life energy…?"

"Umm… you have to understand—I usually don't go for—this sort of thing—not really—um—no—so—please don't tell my wife…" babbled the salaryman as the pair walked off together.

A second later a horrific scream emanated from the direction they'd headed in. 

Shortly after it ended, Jadeite returned, grinning. Zoisite glared at him. "You're going to be caught one day…"

"Well, why don't you tell your friend superhero about me?" snickered Jadeite.

Zoisite shrugged. "Misplaced loyalty, I suppose. After all, it's not like I'm going to pull a Nephryte." Nephryte had abandoned the cause completely, and decided to spend his exile "finding himself". Last as any of his old friends knew, he'd wound up teaching 19th Century English Literature at a California Liberal Arts College.

Jadeite gave an insincere nod. "Admit it, you're just hoping that I'll put in a good word for you when I'm reinstated."

Zoisite gave a bored nod. "Right. When the Emperor magically decides to stop hating us."

"Believe me, honey," said Jadeite haughtily, " the Emperor may issue his proclamations, but Beryl's the one with her hands on his Cosmic Control Rod. If you get my meaning…"

Zoisite actually shuddered. "Don't give me bad thoughts…"

Malachite blinked wearily. "Weren't we supposed to tell Miroku if something happened at the store…?"

Zoisite nodded. "Why? What's happened?"

"Couple of guys are looking at it…" muttered Malachite, returning to a dull slouch.

Zoisite raised his opera glasses. "You're right. They're heading inside." A smile touched his lips. "Well, let's give the Devil-Slayer a call," he stated, helping Malachite up.

Watching the pair walk away, Jadeite chuckled. It was odd to think that Malchite and Zoisite had once been his superiors—they were so utterly defeated now. Oh, well—that meant more power for him when—

"Excuse me sir…" said a rough voice. Jadeite turned around. A pair of police officers stood there, staring at him. 

Jadeite coughed. "Umm what is, officer…?"

The second officer answered his question. "We saw you walk off with that business man… AND we heard the scream…"

"Oh really?" said Jadeite nervously. 

"Yes," said the first cop, "and we're wondering—could you handle—well, two at once…?"

"Certainly!" laughed Jadeite relieved. Linking his arms with the cops, he escorted them off. "Just follow me! The Empire is always happy for your assistance!"

-----

"Neat office, eh, Daisuke?" asked Hiroshi, nudging his friend in the ribs.

"Please don't do that!" whined Daisuke. Hiroshi had followed him to Ultimate Power, Inc. largely because Daisuke had been unable to think of a way to get rid of him. 

"Sorry," muttered Hiroshi. He glanced around, then nudged Daisuke in the ribs again. "It is neat though, right?"

Daisuke groaned, then gave a quick nod. He had to admit the place was well furnished, and extremely fancy looking, though the mural of damned souls writhing in torment seemed an odd choice for an office…

Daisuke as said, wasn't very bright. Also, he'd never worked in an office.

"Ahem!" came a rather sharp feminine voice. The pair glanced up, and then tried to look away so as to not appear to be ogling. They didn't succeed.

The owner of the voice was a ravishing creature with long, blonde hair, pale skin, and a figure that wouldn't have been out of place in _Dead or Alive_, nude code, or no nude code. She was wearing a tight red dress that didn't so much reveal cleavage as exhibit it, along with a good deal of her chest and stomach. A pair of bright red vinyl boots were on her legs, while a pair of fingerless gloves covered her hands. Her face was marked by a group of strange tattoos. The overall effect suggested an SM mistress who'd decided to go into business, but had kept her old wardrobe. She looked over Daisuke and Hiroshi in a way that was rather predatory, amplified by the fact that she seemed to have fangs.

If they'd been looking at her face, the pair might have noticed that.

"Are you the eight o'clock appointment?"

It took Daisuke a moment to get his mind off more pressing matters, and answer her question. "Yes. Yes, we are," said Daisuke, his gaze immediately slipping back south.

"Good. I'm Mara S. Satana," she said offering Daisuke her hand.

Hiroshi looked puzzled. "What's the 'S' for?"

"Satana."

"Mara Satana Satana…" Hiroshi thought that over. "Is that Italian?"

Mara looked somewhat surprised. "Sure. Why not?" She glanced at her watch. "Now if you'll follow me…" She turned around, causing the pair's gaze to sink even lower, and led them to her office.

If they'd been looking at the office, they might have wondered why all of her furniture seemed to have been built partially out of bones.

If they'd been looking at the office.

"Now then," said Mara, sitting down in her office chair, "what is it you desire?"

A grave look came to Daisuke's face. "I want Say—no. I want to be the sort of person worthy of Sayuri's notice. Someone with force and power…"

"Ah," said Mara. "And would having the power to demolish a skyscraper with your bare hands fulfill that wish?"

Daisuke thought it over. "That sounds good."

Mara glanced at Hiroshi. "And you? What do you want?"

"The same thing he gets—only with an eyepatch," Hiroshi answered immediately.

Daisuke glanced at him, annoyed. "An eyepatch?"

Hiroshi shrugged. "An eyepatch makes everything cooler."  
Mara nodded. "It's doable." She snapped her fingers. "Senbei! Two standard contracts, pronto!"

"Coming, oh effulgent mistress!" shouted a high-pitched voice. Before Daisuke and Hiroshi's startled eyes, a tiny man flew in, holding a pair of contracts that looked for all the world like loose-bound encyclopedias.

"What is that?" asked Hiroshi.

Mara gave a throaty chuckle. "That's Senbei, my office genie. He helps me with the office work—filing, light typing, carrying things, making the coffee…"

As Senbei dropped Hiroshi's contract before him, Hiroshi grabbed him. "Neat! He looks so lifelike!"

"Mistress!" shouted the so-designated 'office genie', "Senbei is having trouble breathing!"

"All simulated," noted Mara.

Daisuke began to flip through the contract. " 'I, the undersigned, hereafter and in the hereafter to be known as the damned'…" He scanned ahead. "What's this about 'twenty pints of virgin blood per annum'?"

"Typical legal jargon," replied Mara, who was now leaning back in her chair and playing a handheld videogame.

"Oh," said Daisuke. He looked further ahead. "And the bit about receiving my soul 'in perpetuity'?"

"Means we get it forever," said Mara calmly. "Oh damn. Killed by a bat."

"Sounds fair," said Daisuke mulling the matter over. "What do you think?"

Hiroshi was still poking and prodding Senbei. "Man the articulation's incredible…" he stated, raising the genie's leg.

"Mistress Satana!" shouted Senbei. "Senbei feels he is being touched in an inappropriate manner!"

"Deal with it," said Mara glumly as her character once again plummeted to its doom.

"Hiroshi," muttered Daisuke, annoyed, "put the woman's office genie down."

Hiroshi grunted disappointedly and dropped Senbei on the desk. The little man tottered off dazedly. Hiroshi glanced at Mara. "What ya playing?"

Mara remained focused on the game. "_Castlevania_: _Songspiel of Uneasiness_."

Hiroshi nodded. "Cool. You got the Cross Sword?"

Mara gave him an irritated glance. "No."

"Just take the secret passage in the Succubus's chamber," said Hiroshi confidently.

Mara threw down the game in frustration. "You lie! There is no such passage! I looked, and I looked, and I looked, and I couldn't find it!"

"No, no there is," offered Hiroshi cheerfully. "You just have to put out all the candles, and then jump through the left wall."

Mara glanced at him a moment, then picked up the game. After a few moments, a large grin broke out on her face. "Yes! Yes!" A haughty laugh escaped her lips. "Take that you mortal plaything! Nobody gets the better of Mara Satana!" She put the game down and glanced at the still wobbling Senbei. "Senbei! Get me one of the special contracts for my friend here!"

"Hey!" shouted Daisuke. "How come he gets a special contract?"

Mara glared at him. "Look, this is a decision on my part, based on what I think is best…"

"Well, I want the same sort of contract he gets," said Daisuke. "Otherwise, I'm not signing."

"All right, you big baby," muttered Mara. "Senbei! Make that _two_ special contracts!"

The genie whimpered. "But, mistress, Senbei is not a well genie…"

"I said to get me two special contracts, NOT to debate me!" shouted Mara.

Senbei gave an unsteady bow. "Immediately dread one!" With that he rushed off, tottering. He quickly retuned with two more heavy contracts, which he deposited before Hiroshi and Daisuke.

Hiroshi blinked. "Do you expect me to read all that?"

Mara shook her head. "Nope. Only to sign it."

Hiroshi smiled. "Ah. Good."

Mara glanced at Senbei, who was lying on the desk, groaning in agony. "Senbei! The pens!"

"But, mistress… Senbei's back—he thinks he's thrown it…"

Mara drew out a fly swatter. "Now Senbei!"

Senbei gulped. "Of course, Stygian one!" With that he scurried off, and returned quickly holding a pair of pens with syringes attached to them. Handing them to Mara, he collapsed panting on the desk.

Mara rolled up her clients' sleeves. "Now, if you don't mind, we have a little quirk here—we sign our contracts in blood."

Daisuke glanced at her. "Why?"

Mara shrugged. "It's a legal thing…"

"Oh," said Daisuke, nodding in understanding.

"Owie!" said Hiroshi.

"Hey, that smarts!" shouted Daisuke.

Mara handed them the pens. "Well, sign."

The pair did so, and then started rubbing their arms.

"Excellent!" screamed Mara in triumph, clapping her hands. "Now gentlemen, we begin!" She laughed maniacally. "Senbei! The anesthetic!"

Daisuke blinked. "Why do you need anesth—?"

At that moment, Senbei hit him on the head with a mallet.

-----

It was the late hours of the evening, and Hikaru was lying in his bed listening to music. There was a knock on the door. Hikaru glanced up. "Hikaru," came his father's voice. "May I come in?"

"Sure, dad," said Hikaru.

Toshiro Gosunkugi opened the door to his son's room. Toshiro looked like a mustached, middle-aged version of his son—indeed, the thought that his father might be an accurate representation of himself in the future had caused Hikaru to awake in a cold sweat on more than one night.

Toshiro glanced around the room at the various mystical accruements. "Nice décor…" he stated nervously.

Hikaru nodded. "Thank you. I decided to give the Addams Family look a try…"

His father looked over at a bronze mirror. "That's lying crooked…" He stepped forward. "Maybe I should adjust it…"

Hikaru glanced up. "No, you shouldn't. Trust me."

Toshiro backed away, and looked around a bit more. Finally, he turned to his son. "So—what are you listening to?"

Hikaru leaned back and shut his eyes. "Philip Glass's Creation Symphony."

Toshiro smiled. "Well good…" He turned around awkwardly, then coughed. "Your mother tells me you joined a manga club…"

"Yes," Hikaru commented. "It is ever-so delightful."

"Well, good," said Toshiro. "I'm happy to see you making friends." He shifted slightly. "I just hope you aren't—being taken advantage of…"

Hikaru glanced up, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

Toshiro coughed again. "Well, son, when I was your age, I joined my high school soccer team, with the idea of impressing a—female mate of mine…"

Hikaru's eyes widened. "You played soccer?"

Toshiro shuddered slightly. "Well, I didn't so much—play as I—performed odd tasks…"

Hikaru blinked. "Odd… tasks…"

"You know—cleaned the uniforms—got drinks for the other players—that sort of thing…"

Hikaru rubbed his forehead. "You were the waterboy."

"Not officially," answered Toshiro. "The thing is Hikaru, the other players didn't like me very much… I was treated—rather poorly, and had to endure quite a bit of—teasing. Like towel snapping. And jock locks. And getting dragged around the playing field. And then there were those times they threw me out of a moving car…" 

"This story does have a point, dad, right?" Hikaru said uneasily. "You're not just scarring my psyche for no reason, right?"

Toshiro blinked. "What was tha—oh, the point. Right. Well, you see eventually Meiko—your mother—told me that if I wasn't having fun, I might as well quit, especially as Nodoka wasn't impressed at all, and was calling me 'a sad, pathetic woman of a man', 'a hideous waste of protoplasm', and 'a shrill weakling who should be put out of his misery'. So I quit immediately—"

"Good move," said Hikaru.

"—After going to Nodoka and begging her to deny the awful rumor." Toshiro's eyes glazed over. "I started to suspect said rumor was in fact the truth after she called the police."

"Umm, right…" said Hikaru, beginning to inch away.

"Fortunately, your mother paid my bail, and the charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence…" Toshiro shook his head. "Anyway, Hikaru, I just want to say that you don't have to do anything like that to prove anything to anybody. You're a bright talented young man with a promising future, and your mother and I love you, very much."

Hikaru winced. "Thanks for the sentiment."

Toshiro began to head out. "Well, good night, Hikaru. It's been nice talking to you like this." He glanced back. "Any horrible, crushing secrets you wish to unburden, son?"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "I'll pass."

Toshiro nodded, and left the room. "All right then. See you tomorrow, son."

Hikaru leaned back and sighed. His father meant well—as did his mother, really—but he found their constant displays of affection unnerving, and just a bit depressing. He generally felt that his parents wanted to shield their progeny from the effects of a world that had beaten them down—a desire that they had failed quite spectacularly at. Hikaru shook his head. He really shouldn't complain. He was certain there were people worse off then him.

-----

Daisuke managed to open his eyes, and raise his head unsteadily. He seemed to be strapped to a table. He glanced to the side. Mara Satana was wearing a white lab coat, and pacing back and forth frantically, her arms waving in a manically animated fashion. "—Mad, they called me—mad, but I HAVE SHOWN THEM!" she was screaming. "At last, I have succeeded! AT LAST—"

Daisuke glanced at his body. He began to scream.

Mara stopped her raving to look at him. "Hey, you weren't supposed to wake up for another few hours. We're not finished operating on you."

Daisuke kept screaming.

"Senbei! Readminister the anaethestic!"

Senbei leapt up near Daisuke's head. "Immediately, mistress!"

Daisuke was still screaming when the mallet struck his head, though he stopped shortly thereafter.

-----

It was a bright sunny Saturday morning and Hikaru was musing on the calming effects of a little sleep, a little sunshine, a nice hot shower, and good music.

"My Lady D'Arbanville," he sang along with his stereo, as he toweled himself off, "why do you grieve me so? But your heart seems so silent—why do you breathe so low?" It was remarkable—all his worries of the previous night seemed small. He was going to enjoy himself today. Oh, and take care of that whole 'world threatening' situation the Ancient One had mentioned.

Eventually.

"I loved you my lady, though in your grave you lie. I'll always be with you—this rose will never die, this rose will never—"

"Hi, Hikaru!" said Kagome opening the door to his room.

"Die!" said Hikaru, freezing. _Oh, please, please let the towel have been positioned properly_…

"Oh, I'm sorry!" said Kagome, turning around. She glanced over briefly. "Are you sure you're eating enough? You look really, really scrawny…"

"I'm FINE…" muttered Hikaru as he adjusted his towel. "I just have a delicate build. Now, what the he—what are you doing here?"

"Well," said Kagome, "Me an' Inu-Yasha came here to chat—see what you got planned for the day…" She looked over the room. "Wow. You've got a lot of black in here…"

Hikaru began to rub his temples, then stopped as he realized that his towel was relying on him to keep it positioned according to the demands of modesty. "Kagome—does the impropriety of this situation strike you? Scratch that—does the sheer ludicrousness of continuing a conversation strike you?"

"Black curtains… black sheets… black walls… black closet…" Kagome blinked. "Is that a black teddy bear?"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Kagome, did you hear my question?"

Kagome gave an absent nod. "Yep. Wow—he's even got a black SKULL stitched on him…"

"Then stop staring at Yurik Schaedenfreude von Angst and answer my question!" snarled Hikaru.

"Oh," smiled Kagome, "you even named him! How cute!"

"That's it!" shouted Hikaru. "I refuse to have my teddy bear critiqued while I'm in a towel! Get out! Now!"

Kagome gave an eep and then began to head out. "Honestly… you didn't have to yell…" 

Hikaru leaned back against the wall, and glanced at the solitary teddy bear. "Yurick, my friend, I think we're in for a very long haul."

-----

Mara Satana grinned at the completed Daisuke and Hiroshi. "Well there. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Hiroshi merely continued twitching. Daisuke uttered a low moan in response. At least, it might have been in response. It was hard to tell.

"Great to see you getting in the spirit of things!" laughed Mara. "Now then, I believe there was some girl you liked…"

Daisuke's eyes lost some of their glazed appearance. Hiroshi began to calm down. "Sayuriiii…" they groaned together.

Mara smiled brightly and spread her hands. "Right! Sayuri! Why don't you go—demonstrate your affections for her?" She chuckled. "Vividly. Violently. Make them—bleedingly obvious."

"Yes," muttered Daisuke. "We'll do that."

"Right," agreed Hiroshi balefully. The pair silently made their way out of the shop.

Mara sat down at her desk and smiled. Her father was right—the best thing about the damnation game was how little effort was involved when you got down to it. You just gave people of less than stellar virtue a great deal of power without much effort, and then let them do what they wanted. For example, in a little while her two proteges were going to break upon Tokyo like a destroying storm, and all that she'd had to do was give them a nudge in the right direction. That was the good thing about the damned—from Hell's point of view, they took care of a lot the work for you.

Hiroshi ducked back in. "Umm, Miss Satana—how do we find Sayuri?"

Mara glared at him as her reverie was broken. "Use the demonically enhanced senses I gave you, idiots!"

Hiroshi nodded cheerfully, and ducked back out.

Mara bit her lip. Okay, so they weren't so bright. That was all right. In fact, that was preferable. As her father liked to put it, stupid employees didn't get crazy ideas like unions.

-----

Hikaru went down to the breakfast table with the slow measured pace of a man going to face his execution.

The sight waiting for him when he reached the dining room was horrifying beyond all measure.

His parents enjoying a pleasant breakfast with Kagome and Inu-Yasha.

"—And that was when I emerged from the garbage can, sobbing in defeat and anguish," finished Toshiro matter-of-factly.

"Wow," said Kagome, putting down her orange-juice. "I didn't know that chess clubs could be so cruel."

Toshiro clenched his fists. "They were more beasts than men!"

Inu-Yasha glanced eagerly at Meiko Gosunkugi. "Could I have some more toast, Mrs. Gosunkugi?"

She gave him an affectionate pat on the head. "Of course…" A slight frown came to her face. "Oh, dear… you haven't given me your name yet…"

"Well, most people call me 'Inu-Yasha'…"

Meiko clicked her tongue. "People can be so cruel."

Toshiro nodded. "That's a fact." He glanced at Inu-Yasha earnestly. "Well, whatever persecutions you face normally, you won't face in the Gosunkugi household. Meiko and I are firm believers in love and tolerance. It makes no sense to persecute someone just because they look different than you. Or are smaller than you. Or don't think that practicing martial arts make you a man among men. Or…"

Meiko gave her husband a slight pat on the shoulder.

Kagome glanced up. "Hey—it's Hikaru!"

Hikaru watched in dim terror as his parents rose as one. 

"Hikaru!" said Meiko. "We just heard!"

"We're so proud!" said Toshiro.

Hikaru gulped. Okay, so Kagome had blabbed. Still this was about what he expected from his parents' reaction to discovering their child was a superhero—total pride. Mind you, he would have gotten the same reaction if he'd declared that he was a serial killer or a pimp. 

Sometimes Hikaru really thought that his parents took that whole 'unconditional love' thing too far.

"President of your club!" they shouted together.

Hikaru sighed in relief—which quickly vanished as their arms wrapped around him.

"We love you Hikaru!" they shouted.

Oh, crap. This was one of those times. Hikaru winced. He had for years sorted people into three broad groups—irritating, tolerable, and Akane. His parents generally were in the tolerable group. Generally.

"Guys," muttered Hikaru, "I find this very uncomfortable."

"Hurray for Hikaru!" they shouted oblivious.

Hikaru began to squirm.

Ten minutes of contortions finally freed him from his parents' embrace. Meiko shook her head as Hikaru sat down for breakfast. "Honestly Hikaru, I do wish you'd tell us these things sometimes." She shook her head. "You're just so touchy sometimes…"

Toshiro gave a pride-filled chuckle. "Now, now Meiko, Hikaru's a normal young boy with a normal young boy's need for privacy."

Hikaru sincerely wished that were the case.

"I understand what's it like," stated Toshiro with a fond shake of the head. "To be young—full of energy—surrounded by those who don't understand you—by those who torment you—but I SHOWED them. I showed them all! I'm successful and happy, while most of them are scrounging to keep together a pathetic existence. HAHAHA!"

Meiko rolled here eyes. "Of course, darling." She glanced at Inu-Yasha and Kagome and whispered, "Don't worry—he just gets like this sometimes…" She glanced at Kagome's cup and smiled. "More tea, Miss Dageru?"

Kagome laughed. "Yes, please, Mrs. Gosunkugi."

Hikaru finished up his marmalade-smothered slice of toast, and shuddered. This was getting genuinely disturbing. Kagome and Inu-Yasha had not only managed to get into the Gosunkugi household—his parents apparently found them _charming_. A vision flashed into his mind eyes—a vision of Kagome and Inu-Yasha gradually imposing themselves on his life until nothing that was his own remained. It felt fairly inevitable. 

Hikaru sighed and picked up his tea.

Suddenly, for the duration of one infinite second, he felt a sensation of utter wrongness as if he were imprisoned in cold damp glass.

Hikaru dropped his tea.

Everyone glanced at him.

Hikaru stood up suddenly.

"I just remembered some vital business," he announced.

Kagome stood up. "Manga club business?"

"Umm, right," said Hikaru weakly. 

Kagome nodded. "Right! Well, then, we'd better get going! Inu-Yasha!"

Inu-Yasha glanced up resentfully. "But I'm not done with my toast!"

Kagome glared at him. Inu-Yasha stood up. 

Meiko looked at Kagome disapprovingly. "Kagome! I thought you at least would treat your friend with respect. Mutant or not, he is still a human being…"

Kagome blinked. "It's meant as an affectionate nickname!" 

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Right…"

Meiko just sighed and shook her head. "Teenagers." She looked at Hikaru. "I don't see why this business can't wait until after breakfast."

Hikaru started to the door. "Vital paperwork. Necessary for the club's existence. Has to be filled out now."

Meiko sighed as Hikaru and his friends headed out the door. "Honestly, Toshiro—he really needs to put some meat on those bones…"

Toshiro chuckled. "Hikaru's just energetic. You remember what it was like to be young!"

His wife shuddered. "Please don't remind me…"

-----

Nabiki Tendou was, despite her best efforts, not happy.

"Oh, God," said Yuka, putting down her bagel. "I am stuffed!" She pushed her plate towards Sayuri. "Here Sayuri, you finish it."

Sayuri pushed it away. "Oh, I'm also stuffed. Here you try. I don't know if you're eating enough these days…"

Nabiki sighed. _I am being paid for this_, she reminded herself. Sometimes, she didn't know whether to regard the sudden crime wave in Tokyo (and Nerima in particular) as a blessing or a curse. It had increased her bodyguard services by 63%, but—well, guarding Sayuri and Yuka meant watching the eternal struggle for dominance between the two—a struggle to claim the position of "Most Desired Girl at Furinkan High". The position tended to cycle between the two, occasionally falling on some other girl at the school. Nabiki found it very tiresome. Sometimes she wished that a more—obviously desirable girl existed to settle the matter. She often thought that if Akane didn't have such a grim attitude—and well, hadn't been a cripple—she'd have claimed the position in a heartbeat. _And the profits I could rake in that way…_ Nabiki thought cheerfully. She shook her head. She might as well wish that Akane were the one who had to practice martial arts. Reality wasn't going to change anytime soon.

"I'm telling you, my appetite was ruined by that monster attack," stated Yuka. "Why I'm still recovering from the trauma."

Sayuri snorted. "Come on, Yuka. You've worn that story out." She smiled. "I don't think it even happened."

"It did too!" shouted Yuka. "And I was saved by a vampire superhero!"

Nabiki shut her eyes. If she weren't hearing this conversation she'd have a hard time believing it was happening. Actually, she was still having a hard time believing that. 

But she also had a hard time believing that a man named "Count Nefaria" had tried to use the Tokyo Tower as the transmitter for his Euthanoelectro Ray last week, and that had also apparently happened.

"Oh, like any superhero would bother saving a girl like you…" muttered Sayuri.

"What does that mean?" asked Yuka in offended tones.

"I think we both know what I mean," said Sayuri maliciously.

"Like you can judge!" Yuka retorted. "I mean, all the boys, hanging around you all the time, bumping into you, calling your name…"

"Sayuri!" came a harsh voice.

"Just like that!" said Yuka.

"Sayuri…" came another voice, a ghastly whisper.

"And that one too!" she noted. She smiled at the stricken Sayuri. "Ha! Dumbfounded you, didn't I? I can tell by that shocked expression on your face…"

Sayuri pointed over Yuka's shoulder. Yuka turned around. "Oh. I see." She gulped.

Standing in the doorway were two hideous, almost broken forms. The first was a black-haired man wearing a golden devil mask, though a close examination suggested the mask was almost fused with his head. His arms were covered in bulging muscle, and ended in golden clawed gloves. While his form seemed merely muscular at first glance, the longer you looked at it the more—unnatural it seemed, all the mass and sinew seeming to ripple unsteadily. But the worst thing was the pentagram on his chest. It was dark black, and it seemed to just absorb and bend all the light that got near it. The longer you looked at it the worse it got.

The second figure was more openly hideous, though he lacked his companion's subtle horrors. He was a emaciated brown-haired man, who seemed to have been withered and mummified, his skin having the greyish of a preserved corpse. A pair of mechanical hooks functioned for hands, while an eyepatch covered his right eye. 

"Sayuri!" said the first figure. "I claim you now, I, Master Pandemonium, the most amazing being in Nerima!"

"Hey," said the second figure. "I'm the most amazing being in Nerima, so I'm getting Sayuri."

"Are not!" said Master Pandemonium taking a swing at his associate. 

"Am too!" said the second figure, turning immaterial and causing Pandemonium's blow to pass right through him, instead smashing a large hole in the wall.

"Are not!" said Master Pandemonium. "How can you be more amazing than I am? You haven't even said your name yet."

"Oh, right. I'm Hiroshi…"

"Your supervillain name, moron!"

Hiroshi slapped his forehead—an act that was painful to watch as the metal hook collided with shriveled flesh. "That's right." He spread his arms and laughed sinisterly. "I am the Ghost!"

"That name sucks!" cried Pandemonium.

"Does not!" shouted the Ghost, blasting an ether ray at him.

"Does too!" shouted Pandemonium, as the star in his chest seemingly absorbed the energy. 

"Oh, like yours is better Daisuke!"

Nabiki blinked, and stepped forward. "Hiroshi…? Daisuke…?" 

The pair shuddered. "Nabiki?" squeaked Daisuke.

"What happened to you two?" she asked, slightly fearful despite her efforts to remain calm.

"Oh, we just sold our souls," answered Hiroshi cheerfully. "We're soldiers in the army of Hell now."

"Shut up!" cried Daisuke, releasing a blast of hellfire.

Hiroshi turned immaterial again, causing the blast to incinerate the table behind him. "No, you shut up!"

"No, you!" shouted Daisuke. He pouted. "Why are you trying to take Sayuri from me? You know I love her!"

"Hey!" said Hiroshi fiercely. "I should be asking you that!" Hiroshi gestured broadly at the young women. "How about you just take Yuka instead? She's pretty close to Sayuri…"

"Would you take Yuka instead?" asked Daisuke.

"Of course not," said Hiroshi. "I'm cooler than you, 'cause I've got the eyepatch."

Nabiki readied herself. From the casual displays of power the pair were showing she doubted she could do much, but she could probably distract them for a moment, and then slip away herself. She glanced at Yuka and Sayuri. "When I say go—go."

Daisuke was shaking his fist at Hiroshi. "For the last time, I'm getting Sayuri…"

"That's what you think!" a voice shouted out. A young man in Buddhist robes leaped into the shop. With one dazzling spin of a long cane he yanked Hiroshi to his feet, and then rolled in front of Nabiki. "No maiden need fear evil on the watch of—Miroku, the Devil-Slayer!" He turned to Nabiki. "Quickly! Escape! I'll hold them off!"

Nabiki glared at him. "How? Thanks to you, they're pretty focused on us right now—and they're blocking the exit…"

Miroku coughed nervously. "Oh. Right." He blinked. "Well, let's work something out…" Suddenly he knocked all three of the young women to the ground. A blast of energy knocked out the wall behind them. "There. See. An alternate escape route. I told you I take care of things."

Nabiki glared at him as she ran out the hole into the back alley. She'd heard about superheroes, of course, but somehow Mr. Devil-Slayer did not strike her as one of the top members of the business.

-----

"Okay, where are we goin'?" Inu-Yasha was following Kagome, who was following Hikaru, who seemed to be following some strange thing that lay in the magical land of being Hikaru. 

"Somewhere else," Hikaru replied.

Inu-Yasha snarled. There it was again—another example of why Hikaru irritated him. Say anything to him and he gave you some curt joke of an answer that made you look like an idiot. And just like an idiot, Inu-Yasha found himself stepping up to the bait. "But where exactly?"

"The place that we're going to, of course," Hikaru stated in a monotone.

Inu-Yasha glanced away the resentment clear on his face. "Can't I get a straight answer out of you…?"

Hikaru glanced back. "Look, if you must know, I'm not sure myself. Some _thing_ has left behind a trail, and I'm following it…"

Inu-Yasha laughed. "You expect me to believe that? I can't smell anything…"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Look, I know your senses are very, very good Inu-Yasha but the fact is I've got more of them, so I'm going to pick up on things you can't sometimes, simple as that."

Inu-Yasha snorted, and muttered something to himself inaudibly.

"And no, I am not," stated Hikaru. 

Inu-Yasha was about to mutter something else, but decided against it. "Look, I just don't think yer followin' the right…"

At that point, a panicked group rushed by them. "Oh my god!" shouted one man. "Supervillains! On the rampage! And they're destroying Tokyo!"

"It's worse than Godzilla!" cried another.

"Nothing's worse than Godzilla!" stated the first man. "He remains the epitome of destruction!"

"True," said the other, "but Godzilla will usually move on with little prompting! Supervillains on the other hand stay in an area, decimating it fairly steadily!"

"I'll grant you that!" said the first man. "But Godzilla's destructive power far exceeds that of the average supervillain! Thus he requires less time!"

"The average supervillain, I grant you," said the other, "but these days we're facing a new breed. Why do realize that supervillains exist now whose might equals that of atomic bombs? Or a particle ray…?" The debate continued as the participants traveled out of sight.

Hikaru glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Yep. I'm definitely barking up the wrong tree…"

Inu-Yasha snarled. "Why do you have to turn everything into a joke?"

"You just make it so easy, I can't resist," shrugged Hikaru.

Kagome watched as at the panicked mob faded from view, clearly puzzled. "Umm—Dr. Strange—how come nobody seems to notice us?"

"Why should they? We're not their business," said Hikaru. "I've got us traveling under their threshold of notice…" Hikaru smiled. "You see people have a tendency to ignore what they view as unimportant. Like the feeling of shoes on their feet. Or bills with a little time left to pay them. And what we choose to ignore—does not exist for us."

Kagome glanced at her feet, mystified. "Wow." She glanced up. "So we're invisible?"

Hikaru shook his head. "This is better than invisibility for most day-to-day things. Invisibility just means you can't be seen—people still hear, smell and feel you. Traveling under the threshold of notice, you could walk through a crowd singing at the top of your lungs, eating Limburger cheese, and jostling people as you went, and as long as you didn't stay in one place to long, or tried to pick a fight with someone, no one would notice you. The Ancient One said I had a knack for it."

"Neat!" Kagome nudged Inu-Yasha in the ribs. "Isn't that neat?"

Inu-Yasha glared at her quietly. "Yeah. Super."

"We're very close…" noted Hikaru, walking forward. "I can feel it." He frowned. "Someone's cut a deal with a devil…"

Kagome glanced around. She also felt—_something_, a sort of vague nausea, as if there was a bad odor in the air. "Black magic…" she whispered. 

Hikaru shook his head. "That takes skill. I use it myself, actually. The Black is just being touch in the darker side of life—not pleasant but necessary. It requires discipline, effort and skill. Diabolism is—well, a lot easier. On the surface of things, anyway…"

"You use black magic?" said Kagome quietly.

"It's a tool—a dangerous tool but so is the White." Hikaru shrugged. "Magic's a lot less pleasant than is commonly believed."

-----

Miroku didn't want to admit it, but he was in trouble. A great deal of trouble. His opponents overpowered him by a rather sizable margin, and were willing to use said power a great deal.

"Die, Devil-Slayer!" exclaimed Hiroshi.

An ether blast ripped through the air near him, demolishing the wall next to him as he danced out of the way.

"You missed, idiot!" shouted Daisuke.

"Moron!" replied Hiroshi.

"Jerk!"

"Moron!"

"You said that already!"

"Moron!"

Fortunately the pair were somewhat lacking in brains and ability, but Miroku knew that it would take only one hit for him to be enjoying Buddha's mercy firsthand. He'd have to end this fight quickly. He took a deep breath. It was now or never. Twirling his staff, he rushed forward and swung at Hiroshi. The Ghost dissolved slightly, the staff passing through his immaterial form.

"Booya!" shouted Hiroshi.

"Booya?" muttered Daisuke irritatedly. "That isn't even a word!" He fired a horde of winged demons at Hiroshi.

"Is so!" shouted Hiroshi, evaporating the demons and several small cars.

"Is not, is not, is not!" screamed Daisuke, the building behind him bursting into flames.

"Okay, okay, it's not really a word," admitted Hiroshi, "but it's close."

"Things aren't _close_ to being words!" shouted Daisuke. "They either are or they aren't!"

"Face my wrath, evil-doers!" cried Miroku as he made another charge forward.

"Hey! Stay out of this," said Hiroshi tossing Miroku against the wall. "This isn't your business."

Daisuke sighed. "Actually we _are_ trying to kill him."

Hiroshi laughed in embarrassment. "Oh, that's right! My bad." He cupped a claw to his mouth. "Sorry about that!"

Nabiki glanced at Miroku quietly. "You know, you're really cutting a bad figure as a dashing hero."

Miroku rubbed his head. "I consider these sub par condition…"

"What—fighting an opponent?"

Miroku gave a deep sigh. "Do the heroic efforts of the brave go unappreciated in this city?"

Nabiki shrugged. "I make a few thousand yen a week…"

"Is that before or after taxes?" asked Miroku.

"Well, I don't list it, as it is more or less disposable in—" Nabiki paused and then shook her head. "Look, I'd love to compare notes with you, but we've got bigger problems…" she noted pointing to the rampaging Daisuke and Hiroshi.

Miroku's hand went to his gauntlet. "Right. I see. Much as I may want to avoid it, I must call upon my terrible secret weapon."

"Hey! Up on the roof!" cried Yuka. "It's the superhero that saved me! Baron Blood!"

"Oh, ri—" began Sayuri. "Hey, wait, there is a superhero up there."

"Calling upon my superhero allies," announced Miroku, his hand lowering.

"That doesn't sound very terrible," noted Nabiki.

"That is purely a matter of subjective opinion," replied Miroku. "After all you don't know these people…"

Nabiki glanced up at the alleged superhero, then blinked. "Gosunkugi…?"

-----

Hikaru Gosunkugi stood there surveying the scene and considering things. 

"Okay, on the one hand, I can let a pair of idiots go on destroying the neighborhood. On the other, I can save Nabiki." He shook his head. "Man, talk about your lose-lose situations."

Inu-Yasha glowered at him. "Yeah, well take yer time…" he said. "Jackass," he added quietly. 

"Now's not the time for rudeness," noted Hikaru.

Kagome started. "Hey that's Miroku! Look, Inu-Yasha! It's Miroku! He wasn't blown up like we thought!"

Hikaru glanced at her. "You know the guy with the staff?"

"Yep!" chirped Kagome. "You see back in Feudal Times…"

"It can wait," said Hikaru.

"I'll give you the short version," said Kagome eagerly.

"Listen, when I say 'It can wait' what I mean is 'I don't particularly care'."

"Oh."

Hikaru waved. "Now, let's go."

"Decided to move?" said Inu-Yasha snarkily.

"I like this street," said Hikaru. "I like it being here. I'm silly and emotional that way."

-----

Miroku was knocking back stray bits of rubble from Daisuke's and Hiroshi's attacks on each other.

"Jerk!"

"Double-jerk!"

For a pair of supervillains who mostly fought among themselves, he noted, they caused a great deal of damage to the area around them.

Behind Miroku, a rather heated discussion was going on.

"I'm telling you—that's Hikaru Gosunkugi!" said Nabiki.

"Oh, that's ridiculous," said Sayuri.

"Right!" said Yuka. "Are you trying to tell us we don't know what we're seeing?"

"What you're seeing is Hikaru! Hikaru Gosunkugi!"

"Don't be silly!" said Sayuri forcefully. "That man is wearing a cape! Hikaru does not wear a cape. Ergo, that man is not Hikaru Gosunkugi."

Yuka nodded in agreement.

Nabiki suppressed an urge to scream. What made it worse was that niggling little voice in her head that kept suggesting that she was wrong—that this wasn't Hikaru Gosunkugi… She shook her head.

Somehow, this all felt very wrong.

"Look!" said Yuka. "He's leaping down!"

Nabiki looked up at the (possible) (no, damn it, probable) Gosunkugi who was floating down with a sort of spooky elegance. Nabiki shook her head. Okay, maybe it wasn't Gosunkugi. "By the might of the Vishanti, I—"

At that moment a reddish blur carrying a yellowish blur sped past him. A high clear voice emanated from the blur. "Attention servants of ickiness! Prepare to face the anti-icky forces of HELLCAT AND SON OF SATAN!" 

"You idiots!" screamed the cape-wearing superhero who looked suspiciously like Gosunkugi.

Hiroshi glanced up. "Hey! More superheroes!" He raised his hand. A blast of energy tore through the air. The Gosunkugi look-alike pushed ahead, and set a glowing shield over his allies.

At the impact, the three superheroes were knocked backwards and fell into a jumbled heap against the wall.

Miroku was suddenly doubting his chances of survival. Nabiki suddenly thought that it might just be Gosunkugi after all.

-----

Hikaru raised himself unsteadily, as he disentangled himself, and started to shake his fists. "Damn it! Don't you two ever listen? I said to hold back! To hold back!"

Kagome pouted at him. "We were just trying to help…"

"How does nearly getting turned into a pair of soot marks help me? How?" Hikaru paused. "No, wait, don't answer that, I can think of a few ways it does…"

Inu-Yasha stood up suddenly and began to ready his arm as if he were going to throw a punch. "HEY—!"

Miroku's rushing up to his side and grabbing his hand to shake it stopped what would probably have been a devastating blow. "Inu-Yasha? Kagome? How…?"

Kagome gave Miroku a confidential look. "Shh. We're superheroes. Pretend you don't know us."

Miroku gave a nod. "Of course."

Daisuke swatted Hiroshi on the back of the head. "You idiot! You missed!"

"Uh-uh! He blocked!"

"Same thing!" said Daisuke. "You should have let me do it!"

"No way! I'm cooler than you! I've got the eyepatch!"

Yuka waved at Hikaru. "Hi, Baron Blood. Remember me?"

"It's Dr. Strange," said Hikaru rubbing his temples, "and unfortunately, yes, I do."

"Ha!" said Yuka to Sayuri. "You owe me two hundred yen…"

"Right, right…" Suddenly Sayuri smiled in triumph. "Hey wait, you got his name wrong! That means I don't have to pay!"

Hikaru sighed, and then glanced over at the quarreling supervillains. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but are those guys Hiroshi and Daisuke?"

Sayuri nodded. "Yep. Apparently they've resorted to evil to try and win my heart. I'm actually kind of flattered."

Hikaru shook his head. There were times he thought the world had gone mad.

And there were times he knew.

Nabiki walked over to him and waved an intimidating fist under his face. "Admit it! You're Hikaru Gosunkugi!"

Hikaru gave the only answer he could think of on short notice. "Who?"

Nabiki began to claw at her head. "ARRGH! It won't stop! It's like my brain's at war with itself!"

Hikaru reached into his cloak and brought out a small bottle. "You want an aspirin?"

Miroku glanced at him. "You carry aspirin with you?"

"I find it necessary," replied Hikaru.

"All right," said Hiroshi, signaling to the small group that formed near the wall. "Master Pandemonium and I talked this out—I get the two superheroes on the left, he gets the two on the right." The pair of supervillains began to walk forward.

Hikaru gulped. He needed a plan, fast. At that point a very simple one came to him. "Which right—ours, or yours?"

Hiroshi blinked. "Hey—yeah." He turned to Daisuke and pointed accusingly. "Which right?"

Daisuke groaned. "Does it really matter?"

Hiroshi crossed his arms. "I think it does."

Hikaru glanced at Kagome. "Now Hellcat!"

Kagome loosed an arrow, which buried itself in the ground before the pair. They stopped bickering for a moment, and snickered. "Oh, real impressive," snorted Daisuke.

At that point the ground convulsed, hurling the supervillains in the air.

Nabiki glanced at Kagome. "Wow—you're not as awesomely incompetent as you seem." She blinked. "Wait—have I met you…" Suddenly, she fell to the ground, holding her head. "AHH! THE DAMN HEADACHE'S BACK!"

Hikaru glanced at Yuka and Sayuri. "Now would be a good time to leave." He gestured to Nabiki. "And you should probably take her with you…"

"Right," said Sayuri, helping Nabiki up. "Well, this is probably the weirdest breakfast I've ever had…"

"Two years ago, at your father's business meeting," said Yuka simply.

"Point," noted Sayuri.

As the three walked off, Kagome glanced at Hikaru. "Do you have any idea what happened there? Why'd she get a headache…?"

Hikaru glanced around uneasily. "I'll—check on it…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at Miroku. "Okay—how the hell did you get here?"

Miroku shrugged. "I was going to ask you that. After the explosion—"

Hikaru sighed. "Look, I've no doubt this is a fascinating reunion, but we are busy…"

Miroku turned to look at him. "Say, we haven't been introduced…"

"Right," said Kagome. "This is Dr. Strange, our superheroic mentor."

Miroku bowed slightly. "Proud to serve with a paragon of justice." He crept in closer. "Say, how much are you making from this? Just to—compare notes…"

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself.

Kagome gave a calculated, devil-may-care laugh. "And now—we stand united, a formidable force of formidability!"

At that moment, something unexpected happened.

Hikaru broke down and wept.

"I'm sorry. I just can't take this anymore. I've tried—but I'm weak! I'm so very weak…"

Kagome stared at him in concern. "Dr. Strange? Is something wrong?"

"Yes!" screamed Hikaru. "My life has been taken over by a pair of imbeciles! My privacy is nonexistent! Just this morning, a certain someone saw me naked singing Cat Stevens! Something is wrong! It is very wrong, and it is getting to me!"

Inu-Yasha blinked, and glanced at Kagome. "You saw him _naked_?"

"Of course not!" said Kagome outraged. "There was a towel involved."

"I more mortified being caught singing Cat Stevens…" whimpered Hikaru weakly.

Kagome took a deep breath. "Look, Hikaru, I know we're having problems as a team…"

"As a TEAM? A TEAM?" Hikaru began to wave his hands furiously. "There is NO TEAM! We aren't even a group! The word 'team' does not apply to us! Do you hear me? It is inapplicable! Unsuitable! Inappropriate! Inapt! We are as far from 'team' as you can get! We are a 'non-team'!" Hikaru sobbed, and then took a deep breath. "Have I made myself clear? Just leave me alone, you annoying, obnoxious, stupid little girl and take your damn dog with you!"

"What about me?" asked Miroku.

"I BARELY KNOW YOU, BUT YES, YOU CAN GO WITH HER TOO!" shouted Hikaru.

Kagome blinked for a second. "Well," she gulped. "I'm—glad—that you decided to share that with me. O-open lines of communication are—are important." She turned away, a very slight smile on her lips due to what was clearly a Herculean effort.

Hikaru glanced away, his expression tired, and bitter.

Inu-Yasha snarled. "That's it!" He made a unexpected spring, and was suddenly lifting Hikaru by the lapels.

"Hey!" cried Hikaru. "Put me down! Put me down, you furry, oafish THING, or I will make you put me down, and you'll be thinking the scorpions were me being nice…"

"SHUT UP!" shouted Inu-Yasha. "I'M SICK OF THIS! Ever since this started, you been putin' me an' Kagome down, an' actin' like that's just how it should be! Ya never stop! Do you realize what it FEELS like?" Inu-Yasha bit his lip, as Hikaru glanced away nervously. "What gives you the right to be so—so—actin' so stuck up…"

"Patronizing?" suggested Hikaru.

"SHUT UP! So I ain't speakin'—so good…"

"Eloquent?"

"There you go again? Do you have to be so—"

"Sarcastic? Caustic? Ironic?" Hikaru smiled slightly. "Go on, take your pick…"

Inu-Yasha sputtered. "Yer doin' it again! Makin' fun of me! Showin' everyone how much smarter you are! Well, go ahead! Laugh all ya want! See if I care! But don't ya dare do it to Kagome! She's a good person…" Inu-Yasha blinked, clearly close to tears himself. "If yer heart was half as good as hers, you'd be five times the man you are now! No—ten times! She's willin' to put her life on the line, even though she can't aim worth shit…"

"I can to aim worth shit!" shouted Kagome, then covered her mouth embaressedly.

Inu-Yasha wisely ignored that. "She tries an' tries to do what's right, an' all you do is laugh at her!" Inu-Yasha sobbed, and then shook Hikaru violently. "Well, what gives ya the right, ehh, Doctor? What gives yah the right?"

Hikaru blinked and glanced away. "I'm sorry."

Inu-Yasha started. "What—?"

Hikaru glared at him. "I'm sorry! I was out of line! I admit it! Now let me down! Or do you want a written apology? Because I can probably manage one before the Dueling Morons return…"

"Umm, no," said Inu-Yasha. "I'm jus' surprised is all…"

Hikaru sighed. "Look, I was too harsh on you. I'll try to stop, but I don't promise any miracles. You have to realize that up till now, a long term acquaintance for me meant someone who followed up a kick to the stomach with a punch to the back of the head." He took a deep breath. "I mean look at it from my viewpoint. You two have been hanging around me despite what I asked for days now. Even a sociable person would have a hard time, and I'm _not_ a sociable person."

Inu-Yasha squinted at Hikaru. "Are you sayin' the way ya acted is our fault?"

"No—I'm saying this whole situation is the result of mutual character flaws." Hikaru shut his eyes. "We are a group of rather clashing personalities, and if we're going to work together, we're all going to have to make some adjustments. So once again, I'm sorry for losing my temper."

Inu-Yasha glanced away awkwardly. "Umm—I guess—I'm also sorry fer yellin' at you like that…"

Hikaru nodded. "Well, thank you." There was a pause. "Are you going to put me down now?"

"Oh, right." Inu-Yasha set him down.

Kagome walked over some hesitantly. "I—guess I should apologize too. I really wanted this group to work, and I guess I might have pushed too hard."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Well, I guess we _all_ learned a valuable lesson about working together."

Kagome smiled. "I guess you're right. Group hug!"

Hikaru and Inu-Yasha struggled briefly against Kagome's embrace, then gave up.

Kagome shifted. "Miroku—move your hand. Right now."

Miroku backed away as the group hug reached its end. "I'm sorry. I was just so overcome by the moment. We've overcome a great hurdle."

Hikaru straightened his sleeves. "You know, people tend to use 'we' in ways I don't appreciate."

"Oh, Dr. Strange!" said Kagome annoyed. "Thank you for the sentiment, Miroku." She glanced back at Hikaru. "Check your wallet," she whispered.

"Well, well," came a mocking chuckle. "It looks like someone's had a poignant life lesson." Daisuke and Hiroshi hovered above the group, Daisuke grinning menacingly.

"I'll say," said Hiroshi, wiping the tears from his face. "That was so _touching_!"

"Shut up!" yelled Daisuke. "These are our opponents, Ghost! We're going to kill them! Remember?"

"Oh, natch!" said Hiroshi, giving Daisuke a hooks up, then straightening and attempting a menacing look.

Hikaru glanced at Daisuke, his expression laced with contempt. "Sure took you long enough to get back…"

"We would have been here earlier," said Hiroshi, "but we sorta forgot we could fly…"

"Shut up!" said Daisuke.

Hikaru slapped his hand to his forehead. "So among your many superpowers is awesome stupidity. Wonderful."

Daisuke snarled at him. "I've finally recognized you Gosunkugi, and you can't fool me. You're just jealous."

Hikaru stared at him incredulously. "You're exactly right. Look at all you've achieved. You've gotten yourself damned in the hereafter, you've been transformed into a hellish mockery of your former self, AND you've mostly demolished a city block. I stand in awe of your accomplishments. My own life looks so small in comparison."

"Yeah," said Daisuke. "I do rock."

"I believe that was sarcasm," pointed out Miroku.

Daisuke blinked. "Wait a minute—he was making fun of me?"

Miroku, Kagome and Inu-Yasha all nodded. "I thought it was pretty obvious," said Kagome.

"DIE!" screamed Daisuke, sending out a blast of hellfire.

Hikaru glanced at his associates as he held off the blaze. "Okay, here's the plan—you three take care of Hiroshi, and I get Daisuke."

Kagome and Inu-Yasha looked confused. "Which one's Hiroshi?" asked Kagome.

"The one with brown hair!" shouted Hikaru, as he strengthened his magical barrier to contain the mounting blast.

"Ahh! The eyepatch guy!" said Kagome cheerfully. "Gotchya!" She launched an arrow at Hiroshi.

Hiroshi disintegrated it with an ether blast.

"Yipe," whimpered Kagome.

Inu-Yasha and Miroku launched forward. "Just stay back!" shouted Inu-Yasha. "We'll keep him busy!" 

Kagome, despite their advice, hurried after them.

Hikaru shut his eyes and focused. "Oh, Lords of the Faltine, lend me power. Oh, Hoggoth, lend me will. Oh Aggomotto, lend me vision. Oh Osshur, lend me wisdom…"

Daisuke snickered. "What's a matter, Gosunkugi? I got you so spooked that you're praying…?"

At that moment a blast of energy tore through Daisuke's barrage of hellfire, knocking the young supervillian to the ground. "I suppose you could call it that," said Hikaru, rubbing his hands together, "but the things I pray to are big on results."

"Hey," whimpered Daisuke. "That hurt…"

"That was the idea," said Hikaru calmly.

"You—jerk!" screamed Daisuke, launching another hellfire blast at Hikaru. "How dare you attack me like that!"

"Oh, come on!" said Hikaru repelling the blast. "Which one of us is the soulless monstrosity here?"

Daisuke spread his arms. "You should at least die when I try to kill you!" He smiled grimly. "Well this will take care of you!"

A wave of demons launched from the pentagram on Daisuke's chest, and sailed toward Hikaru, engulfing him in a spray of blood.

Daisuke laughed. "Well, well, Gosunkugi. I guess you see who's better now—that you're dead!" He cackled gleefully.

The mass of demons exploded. A completely unfazed Hikaru stood amidst a vast circle of blood. "That was the worst 'I just kicked your ass' speech I ever heard," he announced. "And the fact that you didn't only makes it more pathetic."

"Die Gosunkugi!" shouted Daisuke, launching a ball of hellfire at Hikaru's head.

Hikaru ducked under it with a surprising show of agility. "You first." He launched a shimmering group of missiles at Daisuke. "I insist."

Daisuke summoned a large demon in front of him, which quickly became a large mass of tissue and blood.

Hikaru gulped. This might just be a harder fight than he'd thought.

-----

Inu-Yasha's blade passed through Hiroshi once again. 

Hiroshi snickered. "Still not used to the whole intangibility thing, are you?"

Inu-Yasha sheathed Tetsaiga. He'd tried and tried, but the sword could not hit the self-proclaimed 'Ghost'. It was clear now that he was going to have rely on his own might for this battle. Clenching his fist, he began to charge forward. "Iron-Reaver SOUL-STEALER!" he cried. A blast of energy tore through the air and smashed through rock and stone.

Hiroshi snickered again. "Wow. You really aren't getting this. You can't hit me!"

Inu-Yasha did a quick mental review of the fight. "Wait a minute. You can't hit me like that either, ya idjit!"

Hiroshi threw a punch, his arm passing right through Inu-Yasha. "Hey, you're right. Thanks. I'll just make myself solid."

Hiroshi materialized. Miroku smashed him on the back of the head.

Inu-Yasha smiled. "Ya know, there were times I almost missed you."

Miroku chuckled. "Why than—"

"I said 'almost'," said Inu-Yasha flatly.

Suddenly, a great burst of energy knocked them to the ground.

"Cool," said Hiroshi. "Didn't know I could do that." He glanced at his opponents' fallen forms. "Well, time to finish this." He raised a hook, a glowing corona of energy appearing there. "When you get to Hell, tell them I sent you." He glanced at them earnestly. "Really. That way I get a free drink in the employee lounge."

A large red arrow attached itself to his arm, and in short order, to a nearby wall. Hiroshi glanced up. 

Kagome stood there, readying another arrow.

Hiroshi stared at her. "Okay, I'll kill you for that." He raised his hand.

Nothing happened.

"Okay, slight difficulty—I apparently can't use my ether bolts. I think it's the arrow." Hiroshi waved a hook casually. "I'll just dematerialize, and _then_ I'll kill you." Hiroshi shut his eyes, and bit his lip.

Nothing happened.

Hiroshi opened his eyes, startled. "Okay, okay—another difficulty, apparently the arrow is keeping me from dematerializing. I'll just yank it out, and _then_ I'll kill you."

Inu-Yasha and Miroku got unsteadily to their feet and watched as Hiroshi grabbed the arrow. A bright glow engulfed him for a moment. 

- ZAP! -

"Ow!" Hiroshi whimpered. He glanced at the heroes. "This may take awhile. Just give me a moment, and I'll get around to killing you." He made a slight bow. "Sorry for the delay."

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

Kagome turned to the others. "Come on. We have to help Dr. Strange."

Miroku nodded. "Go on. We'll catch up to you."

Kagome rushed off.

Inu-Yasha and Miroku watched Hiroshi.

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

- ZAP! -

"Ow!"

"Kind of hypnotic, isn't it?" noted Miroku.

"Uh-huh…" said Inu-Yasha.

-----

Hikaru stared at the sizable demon that Daisuke had summoned. 

It looked something like the results of an octopus breeding with a housefly.

"Squaring the circle, I summon steel, from the blood I make it congeal…" chanted Hikaru quickly.

The demon began to sputter and then fall as its blood became a bunch of metallic shards.

Hikaru took a deep breath. There was a reason he didn't use that spell too often—it was a doozy. There was a reason, he thought to himself, that most sorcerers practiced some form of physical conditioning…

He glanced around. Daisuke was apparently still reeling from the telekinetic push Hikaru had given him. He ducked into an alley and reached into his cloak. Daisuke's tendency to summon up hordes of demons was getting on his nerves. Judging by the sheer number he could summon, and the speed with which they came, he suspected Daisuke had access to a dimensional rift.

Hikaru drew out the Book of Vishanti, and flipped it open. "On the closing of rifts" he muttered. Good. Time to even the odds. He glanced the article over. 

Damn. First he'd have to find the rift.

He glanced around anxiously, and then extended his mystic senses. Hikaru winced. The location of the rift—was Daisuke. Somehow his masters had fused him with a planar portal. Hikaru sighed. Might as well it get it over with. He stepped back out onto the street. 

Daisuke shook his head, slightly, then frowned. "So—finally ready to die?"

Hikaru shook his head. "Are you kidding? There are still movies I plan to see." He glanced down at the open page. "Glorious Osshur, I evoke thee. As the flame of a candle burns out, so the way closes. As the flower wilts, so the way closes. As the curtain falls, so—"

Daisuke's blast of hellfire was easily deflected. The piece of masonry it tore loose was not, and had to be hurriedly dodged.

It was when Hikaru had somersaulted out of the way he realized he wasn't holding onto the Book anymore. He glanced around desperately, then saw it. Ten feet away.

"Oh, crap…" he muttered.

"How did you dodge that?" screamed Daisuke, stamping his feet. 

"It's called training," replied Hikaru. "You should give it a try." He shook his head. It was hard to believe that Daisuke stood a good chance of killing him—he was so incompetent, so thoughtless... That was then idea entered his head. It was risky, but—Hikaru would just have to chance it. He didn't know if he could reach the Book in time, and he had his doubts he could keep this up much longer.

"Daisuke—let's finish this!"

"I'm about to," chuckled Daisuke.

"Oh come on," sighed Hikaru. "You and I both know we can keep this up all day, with you summoning demons, and me killing them." Hikaru shook his head. "I say we finish this fight man to man, following the ancient tradition handed down to us by our ancestors, who probably knew what they were doing, seeing as so many of them died."

Daisuke blinked. He was having problems following that last bit. "What's that?"

"Hand-to-hand," replied Hikaru. "No magic, no demons, just us."

Daisuke stared at Hikaru incredulously. "But I'm—well, me, and you're—well, you."  
"Of course," said Hikaru. "How else could it be? I being Stewart Granger and you being James Mason?" Despite himself Hikaru could feel the weight behind Daisuke's skepticism. Thanks to his demonic powers Daisuke had muscles in places Hikaru didn't. Hell, he had _places_ in places Hikaru didn't. _If I'm wrong about this_, thought Hikaru, _I'm dead_. "So do you accept?"

"What the hell," snorted Daisuke. "I need a laugh."

Hikaru readied himself into a fighting position.

Daisuke grinned. "I'm gonna win, you know that?"

Hikaru frowned. "Shut up."

Kagome ran forward, Inu-Yasha behind her. "Dr. Strange!"

"Stand back you two—I can handle this…"

"Oh, bring it on," laughed Daisuke.

Hikaru pitched forward, and rushed Daisuke, moving with an almost eerie speed. Daisuke nervously brought up his swollen arms to block, but did so much too slowly, and with an absolute lack of skill. Hikaru laid into him with a surprisingly potent-looking uppercut to Daisuke's jaw that sent his head sailing back. The demonically-enhanced young man fell back, unconscious.

Hikaru rubbed his bruised knuckles gingerly.

Kagome glanced at Hikaru surprised. "Wow," she said. "I didn't know you had super strength."

Hikaru shook his head. "All I had was opponent with a glass jaw, and next to no fighting skills." He chuckled. "Poor Daisuke. He sells his soul, and winds up a bigger loser than ever."

-----

Senbei was quite startled when a stream of superheroes started to pour into the lobby of Ultimate Power, Inc.

"We're here to speak to the management," said Hikaru.

Senbei flexed his arms and grinned. Now was his chance to shine. "Foolish mortals! You will not be allowed to disturb Senbei's master. For Senbei is no mere office genie!"

Hikaru arched one cynical eyebrow. "Office genie?"

"No! Senbei is the Genie of Poverty and Misfortune! By taking the happiness of others, Senbei gains his happiness! Observe!" He waved a hand at Kagome.

"Ow!" cried Kagome. "I've got a hangnail!"

"See!" laughed the genie, doing his happiness dance. "And Senbei was just warming up! Now, Senbei will really get going!" He gestured at the frowning Hikaru, then blinked in surprise. "Strange—you don't have any happiness for Senbei to diminish…"

Hikaru leaned down to speak to the little man. "What can I say? My soul is awash in bleak darkness. But if you give me a moment, I could get some happiness."

"That sounds good!" giggled Senbei.

A moment later, Senbei, tied to a stick of dynamite flew through the window of Ultimate Power Inc. "Senbei did not mean that taking from his personal happiness was good!" he cried just before he collided with a wall, and then bounced down an open sewer hole.

Hikaru waited for the earth-shattering ka-boom. "There," he announced. "That cheered me right up."

Inu-Yasha glanced at him, surprised. "I didn't know you carried dynamite."

Hikaru shrugged. "I like to be prepared." He gestured to a door labeled 'Mara Satana, District Manager'. "Care to help me kick down the door?"

"I'd be freakin' honored," said Inu-Yasha.

In a very little time, the door to Mara's office became the door _in_ Mara's office.

Mara, in the process of putting various papers in a stylish red leather briefcase, looked up at the heroes uneasily. "You know, that door was unlocked…"

"I did know," replied Hikaru, "but after seeing your homunculus strut his stuff, I really had to kick something." He glanced at his associates. "Guys, smash up the office."

Mara Satana gulped.

Inu-Yasha began to follow Hikaru's request.

Kagome seemed worried. "But isn't the wanton destruction of personal property wrong?"

Hikaru gave a dismissive wave. "The personal property of evil?"

Kagome gave a slight nod, and tipped over a rather tasteless vase. "I see your point."

Mara stood up. "Hey, that was a gift from Commodious! The evilest emperor of Rome!"

"I'm sorry for your loss," said Hikaru. "Now, here's the deal. My friends and I—consider us the spiritual yakuza—we don't like your setting up shop here, so we're going to bust the place up in hope that you move."

"And you think this will intimidate me?" said Mara sticking her chest out defiantly.

"If it doesn't we're going to bust you up," said Hikaru matter-of-factly, "so I'd definitely consider the option if I were you." He shook his head. "And please tuck your chest back in. It's a lovely piece of work, and I've no doubt you want to get your money's worth from it, but now's really not the time."

"Do you think you can come in here and insult me?" Mara sputtered.

"Seeing as I am, yes," answered Hikaru. He gazed at her coldly. "Let me make something clear, Ms. Satana. I don't like you. I don't like this business. I don't like the way you've set it up to get other people to do your dirty work for you, and think that you're doing them a favor in the process. I've just got a thing for the sad and desperate—I pretty much am one, and so I like to look after my own."

"Listen, you pathetic flea, I am a demon of Hell, allowed to—"

"Allowed to by the Concord, contact the truly despairing in their darkest moment, or those intentionally seek you out. Not to place advertisements in video game magazines to attract idiots who are too stupid to realize what they're getting into. That was a stupid move, it was a less move, and it was the move that's going to get you run out of town. So, pack up and leave. _Vamanos_, _muchacha_!"

"Who are you?" she asked suspiciously.

"The Ancient One's apprentice," he replied. "And these—" he said with a gesture to Kagome and Inu-Yasha, who were tipping over a knick-knack cabinet— "are my running crew…"

"Ahh, shit!" cried Mara. "Just my luck! I have to land in the personal stomping ground of the geezer's latest fresh-eyed disciple!" She straightened. "Well, you and the dilapidated pain-in-the-ass can go screw yourselves! In fact you all can! I'm a legitimate businesswoman, and I give people what they want for a very reasonable price."

Hikaru leaned forward. "No, Mara, you give them what you tell them they want, and your price is everything." Mara gulped. She didn't know enough about wizards to know what it meant when their eyes glowed, but she suspected it was a bad sign.

"All right!" she whimpered. "You've pushed me too far! I may have underestimated you, but you have also underestimated me, for I am the heir to a great power and now I shall use it!" Mara Satana took a deep breath. "Daddy! These mean people are picking on me!"

There was a blast of sulfur, and then a tall man appeared in the office, clad in a tight red leotard, and a surprisingly ragged cape. His hair was a brownish red too shocking to be auburn, and his expression was feral and merciless. "Behold! Mephisto has arrived!" Hikaru appraised him. His relation to Mara seemed obvious.

Mara pointed to Hikaru and the others. "There they are, Daddy! Beat them up!"

Mephisto glanced around absently. "I'm sorry! I thought I just heard my daughter, but that can't be right, because she's a big demon now who doesn't need any help from her old man with anything!"

Mara pouted. "Dad—I'm sorry, okay? I was wrong. Is that what you want to hear?"

Mephisto stared at her expectantly, toe tapping.

Mara stared back in shock. "You can't be serious—I-I'm not a little girl anymore…"

Mephisto continued to stare and tap his toe.

"Oh, fine!" whined Mara. She took a simpering pose. "Pretty please, daddikins!"

"That's better," said Mephisto with a self-satisfied smirk. He turned to Hikaru and the others. "Foolish mortal churls! You have meddled in affairs beyond your ken!"

"Hey!" shouted Inu-Yasha, "I'm a demon!"

"You're a _half_-demon!" noted Mephisto airily. "Plus you're one of those annoying nature spirit type demons. My daughter and I are pure extraplanar evil!" There was a thunderclap. "I am Mephisto, fools! Emperor of Evil! Lord of Lies! Viceroy of Vileness! All that is corrupt and foul is under my dominion!"

Hikaru glanced at Miroku. "Could I have your staff?"

Miroku nodded and handed it to him. "Of course."

"All tremble before my wrath! My fury destroys—!" At that point Mephisto's speech was interrupted by Hikaru whacking him in the stomach with Miroku's staff, and then following it up with a blow to the back of the head.

Hikaru glanced at Miroku. "Thanks. It has good heft."

Mephisto looked up at him, furious. "No fair! You attacked me during my monologue! No one ever does that!"

"Really?" said Hikaru. "I don't see how anyone could resist the impulse…" He struck Mephisto on the small of the back.

"Hey! Stop! I'm the embodiment of all evil here!"

"Not in red spandex you're not," replied Hikaru.

"Ow!" whimpered Mephisto. "Quit it!"

"Ahh, don't be such a big Satanic baby," said Hikaru, pressing the staff against the self-proclaimed embodiment of evil's throat. "Now here's the deal—you are going to reverse whatever your daughter did to Daisuke and Hiroshi, and I'm not going to rearrange your body in ways I think would be an improvement."

"HA!" crowed Mephisto. "Do you think you can actually kill one such as myself?"

Hikaru shook his head calmly. "No, but I do think that if I crush your throat, you aren't going to be jumping for joy." He glanced around the room. "Say, guys, would you mind kicking the devil for me? I'd appreciate it."

Seconds later, Mephisto was trying to curl into a ball. "Ouch! Ow! Hey, who kicked my shin?"

"Sorry daddikins," said Mara sweetly.

"Aagh! Okay, I give, I give!" screamed Mephisto.

Hikaru yanked him on his back again, and replaced the staff against Mephisto's throat. "So you're going to undo what was done to Hiroshi and Daisuke?

"I can't…" moaned Mephisto. "It's irreversible…"

"Oh that's too bad," said Hikaru. "Say, what was the title you mentioned earlier?"

"Umm, Emperor of Evil…" offered Mephisto hopefully.

"No, no, that wasn't it," said Hikaru pressing down on the staff.

Mephisto began to sweat. "V-viceroy of Vileness?"

"The other one."

"Lord of Lies?" whimpered Mephisto.

"That's the one!" said Hikaru cheerfully. "Word of advice—if you're going to lie to people, don't tell them that you're going to do it. It sort of spoils the effectiveness…" He applied an iota more of pressure to the staff. "Now, the truth…?"

"Okay, okay!" shouted Mephisto nervously. "I really can't change them back, but that's because they're under Mara's authority. She signed them up as her personal servants."

Hikaru glanced at the Devil's Daughter. Mara gulped. "Well, I needed help with video games and…"

"So you can change them back…" stated Hikaru.

"Well, I'm not gonna," said Mara defiantly. "My father told me never to give good guys an inch!"

"Do it!" shouted Mephisto.

"But—but daddikins," whispered Mara, "what about always fighting against the light with each breath, no matter what?"

"That was bullshit, coal-blossom! Cave in immediately!" panted Mephisto.

"All right, but I can't change them back either."

"What?" said Hikaru and Mephisto in unison.

"I didn't use—orthodox methods to give them their powers," said Mara quietly. "I used a process that combined horrifying magicks with hideous sciences, a blasphemy unto all creation, and I really don't know how to undo it."

"You—you—how could you, my little brimstone-flake?" asked Mephisto nervously.

"Well it's not like I thought I'd have to undo it," snapped Mara.

"Daddy really doesn't want to hear that, dear," muttered Mephisto.

"_But_ they can take their original forms, in which they can only access their powers by changing back," noted Mara. "If you did that, then _erased_ their memories of this, they wouldn't be threats anymore…"

Hikaru nodded. "That sounds acceptable."

"Good now, if you could just…" began Mephisto, squirming uncomfortably.

"With a pair of codicils," continued Hikaru. "First—your ads are gone, your business is gone, and neither one are coming back."

"Agreed!" said Mephisto and Mara eagerly.

"Secondly, everyone besides us who saw them doing their supervillain routine can't remember it either."

"But, Dr. Strange? Why?" asked Kagome.

"Because I don't want anything jogging those idiots' memories, and I think seeing their rampage plastered on the front page of the Mainichi Bugle might just do that." Hikaru glanced down at Mephisto. "Well?"

"It's a deal!" shouted Mephisto. "Just let me get up, and I'll take care of it!"

Hikaru nodded and stood aside, keeping the staff well within swinging distance of the archfiend. Mephisto shut his eyes nodded. "There. It's been done." He glared at Hikaru. "As far as anyone else is concerned, that area suffered a localized tremor." He glanced at his daughter. "Mara…?"

Mara was pushing a few buttons on what looked like a daily organizer, then nodded. "Daisuke and Hiroshi are back at Hiroshi's place. They have no idea they were briefly members of the army of Hell."

Mephisto turned away and began to open a slight portal. "And their contracts?"

"Terminated."

"Good," he noted with a breath of relief, "Hell has enough riffraff already…"

Mephisto and Mara filed out the portal. "So I trust we won't be seeing each other for a long time?" asked Hikaru.

Mephisto snarled. "Believe me, magician, nothing would make me happier."

-----

"Hooray for the forces of good!" cried Kagome merrily, as she polished off her banana split.

The group was enjoying a victory celebration at a local ice cream parlor.

Hikaru was halfway through his mint-chip sundae. "Agreed." He set down his spoon and smiled slightly. "You know, Kagome, I realized something today."

"What was that?" asked Kagome, scooping up a little melted ice cream at the bottom of her bowl.

"The universe might be a cruel, indifferent place," said Hikaru, "but sometimes you get to hit someone deserving with a blunt object, and that makes everything all right."

"That's the spirit, Doc!" said Kagome cheerfully, wondering if Hikaru would spring for another split.

"I don't get this," said Inu-Yasha to Miroku. "Ya wound up here six months earlier than Kagome an' me?"

"That's right," said Miroku. "I guess my being farther from the blast's source must have effected things…" He shrugged. "I was startled at first to be in the present Kagome had described to me but I… adapted." He smiled. "I've even won some small renown as a superhero. But alas, I am running low on funds, and need a place to stay."

"Don't worry, Miroku," said Kagome. "We won't let you stay on the streets."

-----

"And this is the guest room, where you'll be staying," said Hikaru calmly. Apparently he'd been a vital part of Kagome's 'we' when she'd said that. Happiness and satisfaction, it seemed, were destined to flow away him like water down a hill. "I hope you enjoy your stay here."

"Thank you," said Miroku. "I'm very grateful for your gracious hospitality."

"Don't be. It was insincere. I'm actually hoping you're hideously uncomfortable here, in retribution for your horrible imposition."

"Oh," stated Miroku. He coughed. "That's really no way to talk to a man who saved your life."

Hikaru frowned. "You didn't save my life, Miroku."

Miroku gave him an enigmatic smile. "Didn't I, Hikaru? Didn't I?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No." He glanced away dispassionately. "In fact, as I recall it, aside from handing me your staff, your only real contribution was to get creamed by the stereo-sound idiots until we showed up to save you, after which you hung around like a third-rate grifter looking for his meal ticket." Hikaru turned back and stared at Miroku pointedly. "Speaking of which, I'd like my wallet back. With all my money in it."

Miroku gulped and tossed Hikaru a black leather wallet. Hikaru flipped through it, then nodded. "_Grazie_." He looked back up. "Also this seems like the time to add that if any of my family's household furnishings turn up missing, you and I will have a brief discussion, after which you will probably require several major skin grafts." His parent had been too happy to provide boarding for a 'displaced manga club member' who was 'studying Buddhism' and Hikaru was not going to see that be repaid by them getting ripped off.

Miroku gave a distracted, but disarmingly calm nod. "Thank you for alerting me to that."

Hikaru shrugged. "I'm tough, but I'm fair."

Miroku set down his bags, and then began to adjust the nice suit he'd changed into before meeting Hikaru's parents. "Well, I really must be off. I've got a date."

"Good for you," nodded Hikaru absently. Anything that took Miroku away was tops in his book. "Who with?" he asked with little real interest.

"Miss Satana," replied Miroku cheerfully.

"Well, that ni—WHAT?!!"

-----

"I mean it Mara! How can you date that—that _hero_?" screamed Mephisto in the deepest pit of Hell, which he'd recently had refurnished.

"Well we got to talking while his partner was beating the crap out of you. He seemed nice." Mara adjusted her earrings. "Do I look all right?"

"_Nice_? NICE?" Mephisto bellowed. "Asking for 'nice' in a prospective demonic mate is like asking for piss in your drinking water."

Mara gave a disgusted shake of her head. "You're so old-fashioned, daddy." She looked at her reflection and put on a touch of make-up.

Mephisto grunted in anger and glanced away. "Why couldn't you go out with that nice Satannish boy? Or Belasco? He rules his own plane and makes a decent living for himself doing so!"

"DAD!" exclaimed Mara in offended tones. "Satannish and Belasco are total bores!" She smiled. "I'm young! I want to go out to someone exciting! Someone with moral ambivalence! Someone who might just try to make an honest woman out of me!"

"But do you have to go out with the associate of the man who repeatedly bludgeoned me with a staff?"

"Oh, daddy!" said Mara with an exasperated sigh, as she went back to primping.

Mephisto grumbled to himself. His pampered daughter could act like it was joke all she wanted, but the fact was he hadn't become Lord of Hell practicing 'live and let live'—he'd done it by practicing 'live and the let the other bastard suffer a thousand burning agonies'. Mephisto knew he wasn't the most powerful demon, or even the smartest, but he gotten his status in Hell by making it _seem_ like he was. If he wanted to keep it, he'd have to retaliate for this outrage, but he also knew he didn't really have the power to attack Dr. Strange directly. He scratched his chin. It looked like it was time for the old stand-by—'wait for a moment when he's down, then show up to kick him while pretending the whole thing's your plot'. It was a cheap trick, but he'd built his career on it.

"There!" said Mara happily. "All finished!"

Mephisto's reverie was snapped back to the present situation. He glanced at his daughter concerned. "Now listen, my little sootcake, be back before 11:00, and if he tries anything—fresh, well remember that you're a Princess of Hell, and don't have to take that sort of garbage…"

Mara giggled. "Oh, daddikins…" She leaned forwards, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Love you!" she stated, then darted out.

"Hey!" shouted Mephisto. "What did I say about displays of affection?" He shook his fist futilely. "Don't you know what they do to me?" The Lord of Lies slumped back down on his throne. As far as he was concerned, the poets and evangelists had it all wrong. The fire and brimstone were just trappings.

Parenthood was the real hell.

-----

Nabiki walked unsteadily into her house. "Oh, Nabiki," said a concerned Kasumi. "I just heard about the accident. Are you all right?"

Nabiki blinked. She felt uneasy. It was as if two sets of memories were at war, one of which was hazy and indistinct, as if it was being taken from her. Nabiki snarled internally. It wasn't right. Someone was playing with her mind. No one was allowed to mess with her memories. The very thought made her blood boil…

She shook her head. That was insane. People didn't steal your memories. If she was thinking like that she might be going crazy, and if there was one thing Nabiki wasn't, it was crazy. Hell, she was the one sane person she knew! She was just a bit shaken from the accident, that was all.

"Yeah," she announced. "I'm fine. Just need a little sleep—that's all." And so with just a touch of unease, Nabiki Tendou went upstairs.

-----

Daisuke threw down his controller in frustration, nearly spilling the bowl of nachos set between him and Hiroshi. "Damn it, Hiroshi, that's the seventh time you beat me!"

Hiroshi gave an aristocratic sniff. "Is it my fault that you can't approach my level of vaunted skill?"

"That's because I don't play for eight hours a day!" 

"I think someone's being a Grousy Gertie."

Daisuke blinked. "What the hell does that mean?"

Hiroshi shrugged. "I dunno."

"Oh, forget about this!" swore Daisuke, turning to the pile of magazines. "Now where's this nude code?" 

Hiroshi thought it over. "I think it's in _Video Game Maniac_. Or maybe _Video Game Fanatic_. Or was it _Video Game Zealot_? No—no, I've got it—it was in _Video Game Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder_! I'm pretty sure that's the one."

Daisuke flipped through the magazine, frowning. In the back of his mind he felt a vague sense of loss. It was like he'd had something precious, but it had fallen just out of reach…

"Hey, Daisuke," asked Hiroshi. "You have an urge to rampage through Tokyo?"

Daisuke thought that over. "Oddly enough, yes…"

"Hmm," noted Hiroshi munching on a handful of nachos. "Must be the chips."

-----

The Emissaries of Evil made their way slowly to Elihas Starr's stateroom.

"Well guys," said Gou, "I'm really glad you got me my spare power cell…"

"Shut up," said Rei. Egghead had had to pay their bail (the whole affair would almost certainly never reach trial due to a lack of witnesses—at least witnesses who'd be willing to come forward). That would put their boss in a bad mood, and when Mr. Starr was in a bad mood, he made certain _you_ were in a bad mood.

Rei was just having his prematurely. _That Dr. Strange and his flunkies will pay for this_, he thought. _I swear it_. "We're here boss," he announced as they entered Egghead's office.

"Come in, come in," said a calm, slightly jovial voice.

Rei stopped in his tracks. That wasn't Mr. Starr.

For a start, the voice was too high.

Also, it was a bit too happy.

And then, his boss had never seemed that fond of red.

The figure leaning back in Egghead's chair was clad in a voluminous red cloak, ending in a cowl that completely obscured its face. A half-finished glass of brandy was in its left hand, undoubtedly poured from the bottle Mr. Starr kept on his desk. On the desk's ashtray, the remains of a cigar rested.

"Gentlemen," said the mystery man, a touch amused. "Pleased to meet you." He popped open a box. "Cigars? They're quite good."

"Sure, I—" began Gou stepping forward.

Rei motioned him to stop. "Who are you? What happened to Mr. Starr?"

The man shook his head. "Questions, questions, always questions," he muttered. "No time to appreciate the finer things." He shut the box. "To answer your queries, I am called the Crimson Cowl. As to your employer—we were discussing matters and he couldn't see things my way." The Crimson Cowl spread his red-gloved hands. "You see, I happen to run my own team of super-criminals. Mine's the _Masters_ of Evil, and well, I didn't appreciate the similarities between the names." He took a sip of brandy. "Thought it might cause confusion. Lead to all sorts of unfortunate mixups. Mr. Starr didn't quite agree with me, and lost his temper. Fell quite to pieces."

"Pieces?" said Gou, nervously.

"Yep—pieces. Arms, legs, internal organs—I'd never seen a man strewn about so." He opened a minifridge by the desk. "His head's right here, if you want to see it…"

"You killed him," whispered Gai.

The Crimson Cowl shrugged. "Well—yes." He sighed. "We're criminal masterminds. These things happen." He shut the fridge. "Now, I'm willing to offer some of you employment with my agency. Personally, I think you'll love it—Starr was using you as glorified enforcers. Stick with me, and I'll have you doing the real supervillainy." He leaned further back in his chair. "I'm talking earth-shattering stuff here…"

"YOU BASTARD!" screamed Gai, charging forwards buzzsaws blaring. This was a move he would regret the rest of his life, which was the five seconds it took for the sickle to reach his neck.

"Unfortunate," murmured Crimson Cowl, taking another sip of brandy. "Dispose of the rest."

Rei and Shin turned around immediately. In Shin's case this was to take a blast of energy straight to the head. 

In Rei's it was a giant boomerang to the mid-section.

Gou immediately fell to his knees. "I-I'll work for you!" He gulped. "You could use a guy with radiation powers! I know you could!"

The Crimson Cowl rose slowly, and walked towards Gou, regarding him quietly. Reaching the cowering supervillain, he leaned forward. "Would you believe," he stated calmly, "that I turned down one just last week?" Then with one sudden motion, he snapped Cobalt Man's neck.

The Crimson Cowl walked back to the desk, refilled his glass, and lit himself another cigar. As he puffed contentedly, three figures stepped out of the shadows—two women, and one man. One of the women spoke. "We should not stay here. It is unwise to do so."

The Crimson Cowl chuckled. "Honestly. Don't you know my personal creed?" He sipped the brandy. "One should always enjoy a good glass of spirits, and a fine cigar." He took another long puff. "Ahh. Nothing burns like a Havana…"

--Next Chapter--

JINNAI: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Guess who's coming back, plebians?

HIKARU: Oh, no…

JINNAI: That's right, I'm back! And this time, Dr. Strange's going to pay for his ignoble defeat of me, which was no doubt achieved through the nefarious aid of Mizuhara! That bastard!

HIKARU: Right, right…

JINNAI: Well, this time, I'm stronger! Tougher! Better! And now I've got friends! So tune in next time to see the Frightful Four demolish Dr. Strange—and then move on to Mizuhara! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HIKARU: Just ignore him folks—he doesn't know what he's talking about…

JINNAI: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, next time, the forces of evil triumph in "The Evil Alive"! Don't miss it! If you do—I'll torture you hideously! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MIROKU: Umm, Hikaru, I thought I was going to do the end chapter preview…

HIKARU: Look, Miroku, in my mind you were damn lucky to get mentioned in the title…

----

Author's Notes

I still don't own any of these characters. Everybody I mentioned last time is owned by everyone I mentioned last time. Also—let's see, the Dark Generals are owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Mara is owned by Yusuke Fujishima, Ritsuko Fuchuu and Akamatsu Industries Limited (which should have been mentioned last chapter) are from **Betterman** and thus the property of whoever created that show. And to clear up another thing from last chapter—Stick and Balls are the property of JC Staff—not Rikdou, as they show up only in the **Excel Saga** show, not the manga. 

I remember last time stating that the next chapter won't be so long. That seems like such a long time ago. My apologies, and thank you for bearing with me. 


	4. The Evil Alive

The life of an international criminal, Jigen thought meditatively, was comprised of a dash of glamour, and a great deal of unpleasantness. You got a lot of money in your hands, but it tended to flow through them pretty quickly. You saw lots of interesting places, usually with the law in hot pursuit. And for every solid friend you made, you met five times as many psychos, sadists, and all-around assholes. It almost made you wonder if it was worth it…

Jigen shook his head. This was ridiculous. He was a professional criminal, not a philosopher. It was idiotic for him to get moody and introspective just when he was starting a job.

He shook his head again. The _job_ was what was making him moody and introspective. It just felt off. Jigen was an old hat in the criminal world and something about this one pushed all the wrong buttons. Maybe it was the prospect of working with 'a coterie of skilled individuals', as the letter (from someone calling themselves 'C.C.') had put it—maybe it was the fact that they had sent a letter. Jigen did his best to make sure he knew who could contact him, and when someone found him anyway—it made him nervous. But, no—the truth was Jigen was in no mood to work with all the young blood that was flooding what he called 'the elite criminal circle'. Every young punk with a gimmick was giving himself a name, and declaring himself the biggest, baddest outlaw the world had ever seen. Most of them were incompetents and poseurs, who were just drawing attention to the entire business, especially from the swelling ranks of superheroes.

Jigen grumbled. When he'd been starting out, you _worked_ to earn your name—practicing your techniques, perfecting your skills, proving your worth until the underworld decided you were a cut above the rest. It didn't matter if you were a mutant with the ability to shoot heat rays from your eyes, or that a laboratory accident had given you the strength of a tiger and the durability of refined steel. You started out the same as everyone else, and you _proved_ that you were someone special. And men like him—Jigen gave a fond glimpse at his gauntlets—you worked, and worked with your tools, until you were sure _they_ worked, and sure _you_ could use them well, not rushing out the moment you had a half-working death ray…

Jigen sighed. He was getting old. No, scratch that. He _was_ old. By all rights, he shouldn't have to do this job—but he had debts to pay, a laboratory to maintain, a retirement fund to fill… He nodded. He had to do this job. Even it felt off—even if he was too old, because in this business, the moment you stopped taking the jobs that were offered was the moment you started to disappear…

Jigen knocked on the door to the rather dilapidated building the letter had given as the location. "I'm here about the aluminum siding," he intoned in his gravelly voice.

A familiar face opened the door. "Lazeir, mon ami?"

Jigen started. The Grey Gargoyle was the last person he expected to see in Tokyo. Whoever this 'C.C.' was, he was fielding top talent.

"I prefer to go by Jigen when not on the job…" he noted quietly.

"But of course!" announced the Grey Gargoyle, who Jigen knew for a fact did not like being called 'Paul Pierre Duval'. "I ahm so 'appy to see you, mon ami. Eet's good to 'ave a man of quality 'ere." He gave a dismissive wave of the hand, as if clearing out a bad odor. "So many amateurs. Eet makes we weep."

Jigen frowned as he entered. Even if he agreed with Duval, he didn't admire his sharing that opinion—it was the sort of thing that could lead to bad feelings if the 'amateurs' he was so casually dismissing found about it. In Jigen's experience, criminals who didn't care about the feelings of their partners were not only difficult to work with, but dangerous to themselves and others as well. Duval definitely was proof of this—in fact Jigen was rather surprised that he now regarded Jigen as a friend, given how they'd parted last time, though if there was one thing that the Grey Gargoyle had proved over the years, it was his unpredictability. Still, he was a powerful and skilled member of the trade, even if he was hard to work with.

"I think we should just twist off his head," muttered a dark voice. "Make things easier. Less shares." Jigen pivoted quickly, but calmly to see a hulking man with wild hair standing nearby. The look on his face was unpleasant, to put it mildly.

"Now, now Hyde," said Duval in tones that did not sound too sincere. "You know the boss wouldn't like that…" Jigen blinked. He'd heard a great deal about Hyde—none of it good. He had immense strength, but was vicious, and completely untrustworthy. 'C.C.' was either very sure of himself, or very stupid.

Hyde snarled. "Screw what he wants! I don't like the way the bastard looks!"

Jigen readied his laser gauntlets. He did so with the utmost calm. Calm was one of the first things Jigen had learned in the business. Calm kept you alive. Panic made you dead. If he had to fire, he was going to do so quickly and try to leave these people alive. He didn't want to kill a co-worker on the first day, even if they did.

"Stand down, you two," came a clear female voice. Hyde and the Grey Gargoyle blinked, and backed quietly away from Jigen. He glanced over to see his deliverer— a rather tall, gorgeous woman, whose form brought to mind the word 'statuesque'. Her hair was a silver so fine, it seemed almost blue. Her face glanced over things with an expression that managed to suggest that its owner went through life amused by most things.

"Ahh! Mademoiselle Smith!" declared Duval nervously. "Hyde and I were merely 'aving a leettle fun with ze Lazeir. That ees all. Nothing was meant by eet."

"Well, that's good to know," said the young woman. "I thought things might have been getting serious. I'm glad I was mistaken." She turned to Jigen. "The Living Laser, I presume?"

Jigen gave an absent nod. "I prefer Jigen." He coughed. "Are you 'C.C.'?"

The woman gave a tinkling laugh. "Oh, no! I wish I had that honor—but no, he's this way…" She began to walk off, and gestured for Jigen to follow.

Jigen hurried after her. "I'd like to thank you for the help, Miss Smith…"

"Don't mention it," she said merrily. "Those two are just pissed about having to serve guard duty. Any hint of authority and they buckle. And don't bother with 'Miss Smith'. That's just Duval trying to be clever." She turned to him, suddenly. Jigen became even more aware that she was a desperately attractive woman. "I'm the Machinesmith. I'm handling the tech around here."

Jigen nodded awkwardly, and watched her walk away for a short moment. _You're too old, Jigen. Remember?_ He coughed idly. "So—I have to say that—the boss has an interesting taste in names…"

"The Masters of Evil?" The smile on Machinesmith's face took on a slightly sinister bent. " 'C.C' likes truth in advertising."

-----

Defending

Chapter 4—"The Evil Alive"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

By David Dee

-----

"And so I think Son of Satan and I made short work of the slime worms of Salgoth," stated Kagome calmly.

"So, so slimy," whimpered Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru glanced at him, quietly. "Quite." He turned to Miroku. "And you? How'd that 'intelligence reconnaissance' mission turn out…?"

Miroku gave a pleasant nod. "Very well. My sources suggest the death cult chapter we defeated two days ago was in fact a part of the cult of Kali, under the leadership of one Nekra, an albino with mysterious—some say mystical—powers. By all accounts, their recent defeat has thrown them into quite a bit disarray—Nekra's gotten into the habit of making 'prophecies' and—well, having them not come true is bad for business…"

Hikaru nodded. "Well, on my part, I recovered the head of the Golden Monkey from the Smuggler, which means that the Giant Monkey of Doom will _not_ be honoring us with his presence."

Kagome glanced side to side. "So—wasn't that all the major threats you'd detected?"

Hikaru nodded. "Yes. We have cleared the Apocalypse Board for the next few days. Then, on Wednesday, the Erbs of Erewhon invade."

"Didn't we already defeat them?" asked Miroku, suspiciously.

Hikaru shrugged. "They've decided to make another go of it. Can't fault them for their persistence." He sipped his coffee. "But, till then, barring any unforeseen attempts by lunatic cults to do something crazy—we're fine."

Kagome laughed. "All right! We officially rock!"

Hikaru sighed. "Quite."

"Ahem—sir…?"

Hikaru glanced over at the waitress. "Why, yes—I would like a coffee refill!" He smiled forcefully. "How kind of you to notice…"

The waitress coughed. "Actually, sir—some of the other patrons are—nervous—about eating—with super-powered individuals…"

"Of course." Hikaru rolled his eyes. While eating in costume had its advantages—these days, very few people tried to pick fights with him—it did tend to attract notice. "And do the long hours my compatriots and I spend fighting the powers of evil mean _nothing_?"

The waitress fidgeted nervously. "Well, of course not…"

"And I suppose police officers also get this treatment. And firefighters. And meter maids…"

The waitress glanced guiltily away. "Look, it's not me…"

"It's some of the patrons," said Hikaru. "Well, just relax. You can tell them we'll be out of here as soon as we finish our coffee—" The waitress looked quite relieved. "And I get the cheesecake I ordered."

"You didn't order any—"

"Of course, I did," said Hikaru calmly. "You might have not heard me, but I did."

The waitress grumbled. "Right. Cheesecake. I'll go get it…" She began to head away, and then glanced at him. "You have to tell me—do I know you? You know—when you're not dressed up in gaudy outfits fighting crime?"

"Review that question, and you'll see why I'm not answering it…" said Hikaru.

The waitress frowned, and walked back to the counter. "You really like this café," noted Kagome.

"I'm a man of habits," replied Hikaru. Inu-Yasha winced. Hikaru's method of eating cheesecake counted as one of those—habits. First he cut the cheesecake into small squares, which he then cut into smaller squares, which he would then eat one by one, chewing each one in slow manner.

It was probably the most nerve-wracking thing Inu-Yasha had seen.

Kagome shook her head. "It's hard to believe the world's really been invaded so often…"

"That's because it wasn't always the case," replied Hikaru.

"Really?" asked Kagome. "What happened?"

Hikaru thought it over briefly. "Well, it will probably prove handy some day…" He cleared his throat. "Now, what I'm about to tell you may sound impossible—but I assure you it is not. I should also add that is largely a theory, being difficult to confirm, and constructed out of some very educated guesswork."

Inu-Yasha frowned. "Are ya goin' to get around to tellin' us eventually?"

Hikaru glanced at him irritatedly. "Right." He raised his left hand. "Imagine, if you will, that the universe is a bubble…" A glowing green bubble appeared floating in Hikaru's hand. "Our world—indeed all of our conventional existence—is contained within this bubble." A slightly grim look came over Hikaru's face. "But this bubble is hardly the totality of existence. It is merely one enclosed facet, nestling—in a stream. Normally, the surface of the bubble does a good job of keeping what's in the stream out of the bubble—but sometimes, thin spots form. When this happens—things get in. The bigger the thin spot, the more things—or the more powerful things—can get in. And inside help only makes it easier…" Hikaru shut his eyes.

"So," said Miroku, "we're living on a thin spot…"

"I wish it were that easy…" said Hikaru. He raised his right hand. "You see, ours isn't the only bubble. There are others, which—well, to mix metaphors, are set to different wavelengths…" He shook his head. "Universes have so many attributes that it can be—difficult to come up with an all-purpose analogy." He brought the bubbles towards each other. "Each bubble follows its own timeline. While the majority of them are completely different from each other, each bubble has a surprisingly large number of—siblings, perhaps? Bubbles that have a great deal of resemblance. Close enough—" He smashed the two bubbles together. "That if brought together, they won't automatically cancel each other out." A large bubble nested in the palms of Hikaru's hands, vibrating rather wildly.

"W-wait," said Kagome. "Are you saying our universe—is actually—two universes?"

"Probably more than that," said Hikaru dispassionately. "These things rarely work out as smoothly as one would like them to." He laughed slightly. "Of course, that's only objectively. From our subjective point of view, this has _always_ been one universe, with _one_ consistent timeline. It has to be, or the resulting paradox would be too great for the universe to bear." He sighed. "Mind you, the timelines had to make massive adjustments to accomplish this—after all, given the probable similarity of the two universes, there were most likely over 12 billion people to deal with." He stroked his chin. "Of course most were simply alternate versions of the same person, who combined easily, but in some cases, lives were altered, or even ceased, so that roles could be placed where necessary…"

"What?" said Inu-Yasha.

"Did you know there was an American neurosurgeon, a Doctor Steven Strange, who died in a car crash?" said Hikaru quietly.

There was utter silence at the table for a moment. "Y-you're joking," said Kagome. "And even if you aren't—you—you can't be sure that—"

"That I'm living the life that was originally his? No, but it seems probable." Hikaru shook his head. "Not that it matters. There are forces here beyond comprehension at work here. Steven may have been a better Dr. Strange than I am—I mean, it was his NAME—but I was the one the universe decided was necessary for this situation…" He leaned forward slightly.

"You know, a person could feel honored to be chosen thus…" noted Miroku.

"Or feel that they were under a crushing, horrific amount of pressure," said Hikaru, sitting up again. "Take your pick. I know I have." He glanced at the bubble. "Now, all these adjustments—are putting a great deal of strain on the universe. Thin spots are forming with great rapidity and most of them are happening here, at the center of manipulation." He shook his head. "And it's not just the fluctuations in the space-time walls. People from—the discarded pasts and futures of the old universes are showing up here as well. The poor bastards." He looked at the others. "Their entire lives are almost completely different—and they have no idea—at best only a niggling suspicion…" He took a deep breath. "The philosophical implications are naturally, quite troubling…" The waitress walked over to their table. "Ahh!" said Hikaru cheerfully. "My cheesecake!"

As Hikaru began to immerse himself in the sweet, cheesy goodness, Miroku glanced at him. "You mentioned 'manipulation'." He leaned forward. "Are you suggesting this was—intentional?"

Hikaru paused from slicing his cheesecake. "Universes don't combine on accident. It's somewhat against their nature. Besides look at this place—this sudden boom in superheroes, and villains—all centered in Tokyo. It reeks of contrivance. Someone made the original change here—involving superheroes—and we're all living in the aftershocks."

"But who?" asked Kagome.

"How should I know?" said Hikaru. "Probably one of the usual batch of loonies—I doubt that facet of existence was too different…" A troubled expression came over his face. "Actually, he's probably not the same person he was when he altered the timeline. In fact, two people may have done it simultaneously, and unknowingly combined." Hikaru's voice trailed off, as his eyes took on a faraway look.

"Yeah, well," said Inu-Yasha, "Interestin' as all this is, I don't want to talk about it anymore." He groaned. "It's makin' my head hurt."

"Believe me," said Hikaru dismally, " you are just scratching the surface of the scary, scary things I know…" He lifted his fork to his mouth, and began to slowly chew on his cheesecake.

-----

The room was typical—a table, some chairs, and a few monitors. Not a thing in it looked like it couldn't be packed up and moved on short notice. That impressed him quietly—it was rare to see 'criminal masterminds' who realized that mobility was better than reinforcement. Jigen had seen a great deal of money blown over the years on "impenetrable" fortresses that almost invariably turned out to be penetrable after all.

Finished with the room, Jigen glanced over his 'partners' for this job.

Aside from Duval and Hyde, (still watching the door) they seemed to be a man dressed up as a butterfly, an extremely muscular young woman wearing a red halter top, a grey choker and a black skirt and leggings, and of course, Machinesmith.

He'd worked with worse crowds

The man in the butterfly costume fidgeted nervously again. He'd done that constantly, eyes glancing over the corners, the ceiling, the floor, the table. At first, Jigen had thought that he was paranoid and on guard, but then he realized the truth—he was staring at the dirt. This particular 'Master of Evil' was a neat freak.

The brawny woman flexed her arm. Jigen, despite himself, shook his head. The sheer amount of muscle on her frame seemed almost unnatural, especially when contrasted with her sweet, almost cherubic face. This woman looked like she could go toe to toe with Hyde and win. Jigen scowled. He was starting to mentally pit his teammates against each other. That was a bad sign.

Noticing his gaze, the girl snarled. Jigen calmly looked away. He'd have to watch himself with that one. Strength apparently wasn't the only thing she rivaled Mr. Hyde in.

That just left Machinesmith. He smiled at her. She smiled back. Cool, elegant—exactly his sort. But also, enigmatic, cunning—exactly the sort he avoided.

"So, this is the place," came a brash, arrogant voice. Jigen turned. A young woman clad in what looked like a pale white skintight outfit entered, another young woman in a frilly dress trailing behind her, who glanced timidly at the gathering. "Quite dingy." She shook her head. "Well, we have arrived. I am Slyde and this is my potent partner, Whirlwind."

"I thought you said I could be the Human Top!" said the more timid girl.

"We discussed this," said Slyde, "and we decided that "Human Top" lacked dignity…"

"No we didn't!" said Whirlwind.

"Whirlwind—do you want our inferiors to laugh at us?"

The man in the butterfly suit stood up suddenly. "Inferiors! Listen, you tiny-brained harlot, I am a Tokyo University graduate, and a mutant! Your genetic superior in every way! In a perfect world, I would have the right to grind your filthy bodies into powder, and use it to fertilize my lawn, but unfortunately, Utopia is still denied to us."

Jigen blinked. He may have been seriously underestimating the extent of this man's—quirkiness.

"My brother and I are also mutants," declared Slyde, "so your claims of genetic superiority are clearly insane. In fact, I strongly doubt you can rival the perfection of grace and form that are Slyde and Whirlwind, Butterfly Man…"

"Gypsy Moth," stated the man, tersely. "I'm Gypsy Moth. I've been robbing silk shipments for the last five weeks!"

"Brother?" said the muscular woman.

"It's a long story," muttered Whirlwind. "Let's just say sis and I have issues with our mother."

"That's you, Anna," said Slyde. "I'm just fine."

"Calling yourself 'Slyde' is just fine…?" muttered Whirlwind.

"Listen kids," muttered Gypsy Moth. "Why don't you to go iron out your issues, and then come back when you're ready? Or I might just shut you up myself…"

Slyde took a combat position. "You think you're ready for the Master of Friction. Then bring it on…"

"BOTH OF YOU MORONS SHUT UP NOW!" screamed the muscular woman suddenly. She coughed, and began again in a calm, quiet voice. "This is getting really annoying. I think everyone would prefer it if you kept quiet."

Gypsy Moth glared at her. "And why should we listen to you, 'Chesty'?"

"Heh. Good one," chuckled Slyde.

In reply to those comments, she smashed a large hole into the floor with her bare fist. "Listen, you sexist bastards, there's a reason they call me 'Man-Killer'. So watch it, or I'll rip you new ones!" She turned to Gypsy Moth. "Especially you! You remind me of someone I knew…"

"Who's that?" said Gypsy Moth, calmly.

"A guy I'm planning to rip the limbs off of," said Man-Killer.

Gypsy Moth, to his credit, did not immediately back down. "Lady, I can already see that I will hate you, and want to destroy you, even more then those two over there, so if you want to see how vicious I can be, try me."

"Oh, you're just begging for this," snarled Man-Killer.

Jigen stood up. "All right, everyone, cool down…"

Gypsy Moth glared at him. "Why should we listen to you? I don't recall you being in charge."

"First, because I'm the Living Laser." He stared at the group calmly. "I _know_ every damn one of you has heard of me, and what I can do." He smiled. "Trust me—it's all true." The others stared at him, visibly nervous. "The second reason," he continued, "is that while I'm not in charge, I'm pretty sure our employer wouldn't like this behavior."

"And you'd be right," said a cheerful voice behind the group.

Jigen, as he turned to look at the voice's owner, stifled the internal voice saying that a person couldn't move that quietly—he knew from experience they could. Instead, he tried to figure out what made the man so… impressive. It wasn't his height—that seemed about average. It wasn't his costume even though that was quite good in a minimalist sort of way; a red cowl and cloak that concealed most of the owner's body. Rather it was the sense of poise and confidence he gave off. Jigen had know plenty of people who had one or the other, but none who had both to this extent. The man stepped forward. "Greetings, and salutations. I'm the Crimson Cowl." He glanced around, a slight hint of his eyes glimmering in the shadows of his cloak. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here…"

"To commit a crime?" asked Whirlwind innocently.

The Crimson Cowl glanced at 'her' severely for a moment, causing the young supervillain to gulp, then began to laugh. "Yes," he said, chuckling. "That's it exactly. To commit a crime." Shaking his head in amusement, he took a seat at the table, and folded his hands. "Machinesmith, go inform Mr. Hyde and the Grey Gargoyle that the meeting's about to begin…"

Machinesmith nodded. "Immediately, sir," she said in a tone that dashed whatever hopes Jigen was forming regarding her.

"That won't be necessary," said a deadpan voice. Everyone in the room glanced at the entrance.

A young man stood there, with disheveled brown hair, clad in a white Pierot costume, white clown make-up covering the left side of his face. "Good evening," he said in a dull monotone. "I'm here to join this group."

The Crimson Cowl inclined his head back, somewhat threateningly. "And who are you, that I would want you to join, especially in light of the fact that I have a full roster?"

"I have no name, only aliases," replied the young man in that calm, dead tone. "I was going by the Clown, but that name's grown rather tiresome, so now I'm going by 'Oddball'."

Gypsy Moth stared at him in obvious distaste. "Oddball?"

The young man shrugged. "It's not much, but it's all I have."

The Crimson Cowl stared at him, remaining utterly motionless. "And what do you do, Monsieur Oddball?"

Oddball gave a low bow. "I juggle." He pulled out a group of brightly colored balls, and began to do just that. "I juggle very well." He smiled, raised his left leg, and began to pass the spheres under it, catching them easily on the other side.

"And why do I need a juggler?" said the Crimson Cowl, rather impatiently.

Oddball was now forming a figure eight in the air. "To make you laugh," he replied, in his continuous drone. "I assure you, I'm up to the job." The first set of balls vanished in his sleeves, to be replaced suddenly by new ones. "I'm clever." _'E' '' 'M' 'C2'_ spelled out the orbs before following the first set into the confines of the juggler's outfit. Light bulbs took their place. "I'm inventive." The light bulbs began to shine.

"Cool!" cried Whirlwind.

Oddball gave a silent bow and tossed one to the young gender ambivalent supervillain, who giggled merrily. The rest of the light bulbs went the way of the earlier spheres. "And I'm deadly," finished Oddball, producing two large, oddly shaped globes which after a few passes, he tossed down on the table in front of the Cowl.

They were the heads of Duval and Hyde.

Whirlwind whimpered, and tossed 'her' light bulb away.

Oddball bowed.

There was dead silence for a long time.

Finally, the Crimson Cowl stood up and spoke. "Tell me, my poor, perfidious Pagliacci, what does this prove?"

"First my skill," said Oddball, calmly. "Second, that you have two vacancies." He gave a slight bow. "If you must know, I did you a favor. Calvin Zabo was a psychopathic monstrosity that turned on his allies more often than not."

"And Grey Gargoyle?" asked the Crimson Cowl.

"He was French," answered Oddball matter-of-factly.

The Crimson Cowl considered that for a moment, then glanced at Oddball sympathetically. "Listen, juggler, you have to understand my position. You kill two of my men—then you ask to join my organization." He spread his arms imploringly. "You do see I am in a quandary."

Oddball nodded. "You're facing two options in dealing with me. You can hire me—you're short two members, and I'm clearly quite good. Or you can kill me—I'm the reason you're short two members, and you don't know if you can trust me…"

The Crimson Cowl was staring at him, intrigued. "And what would you do?"

"I'd kill me," said Oddball, calmly. "Trust is a great deal rarer than skill."

The Crimson Cowl continued to stare for a while—and then for the second time that night, began to laugh. " 'Trust is—" He shook his head. "How very true." He gestured to a seat. "Sit. The Masters of Evil are honored by your presence." He began to pace around the table. "After all, you did say you'd make me laugh." The Crimson Cowl turned quickly. "I like people who keep their promises."

Gypsy Moth frowned and stared at the juggler. "You expect us to work with this—street performer who just killed two of our associates?"

"Yes," replied the Crimson Cowl. "Now, does that answer your question, or do I have to draw a diagram?"

"But—I mean…" Man-Killer blinked. "Look, I didn't like the guys, but—they were us." She glanced around the table, anxiously.

"The first thing you learn in this business," said Jigen suddenly, "is that there is no 'us'." He glanced over the table authoritatively. "There are partnerships, and they get dissolved. That's it."

"Admirably spoken Laser," said the Crimson Cowl.

Jigen regarded him coldly. "So what's the plan? You did say you were going to tell us before we—were distracted."

"Of course." The Crimson Cowl turned. "Machinesmith—start the display." The wall behind him lit up with building schematics. "Now then, it's a bit risky, but so are all great endeavors…"

-----

Hikaru was halfway through his cheesecake when Kagome coughed. Hikaru glanced at her. He had a sneaking suspicion what was coming next. Kagome smiled. "So, Doctor, about the te—"

Hikaru quietly dropped his fork. Suspicion confirmed. "For the last time, Kagome, we are not a team, and we do not need a name."

"We are too a team!" said Kagome passionately. "I mean—this is superheroic law! Surely you've read enough manga to—"

"Actually, I don't read manga at all," said Hikaru, picking up his fork again. "I'm usually too busy with literature."

"You don't read _manga_?" said Kagome in the shocked tones that are usually reserved for people confessing to multiple axe murders. "B-but everyone reads manga! It is our national treasure! Can you name anything that screams Japan like 'manga'?"

Hikaru tapped his fork idly. "Let's see—brush painting. Haiku. Noh and Kabuki drama. Katanas. Sushi. Samurai movies…"

Kagome gave a frustrated sigh. "All right, I get your point…"

"Shintoism. Zen Buddhism. Mishima novels. Hordes of salarymen. Karaoke. Attempting to seize large portions of Asia." He shrugged. "Of course it's been a while since that last one, but I say just give it time. Cosplaying. Sumo wrestling. A belief in quack medicine…."

Kagome waved her hand in desperation. "All right! All right! Forget that! The point is there are rules of superheroic teamings. Two is a duo, or partnership, three is a team-up, and four or more is a team." She waved her finger in a disciplinary manner. "These things are unalterable laws."

Hikaru, unconcerned with Kagome's existential crisis, was casually restarting his cheesecake. "Is now a good time to mention that I'm an anarchist…?"

Kagome whimpered. "Could you at least listen to my idea for a name? Please?"

Hikaru stared at her. "If I do, will you let me eat my cheesecake in peace?"

"Umm, sure," said Kagome. She composed herself, coughed, then glanced at Hikaru. "Are you ready?"

"I wait with bated breath."

"Huh?"

Hikaru rubbed his temples. "Yes, I'm ready."

"Okay!" A look of manic glee spread over Kagome's face. "It will just knock you out—it's so perfect!" She took a deep breath. "We are… THE ALL-WINNERS' SQUAD!"

Hikaru stared at her, cynicism and disbelief making a noble attempt not to show on his features. "Well?" asked Kagome, eagerly. "What do you think?"

"Kagome," Hikaru began awkwardly, "understand that I've developed a certain respect for… your abilities at… superheroing, and… so forth, and so understand that I mean this in the best possible way, without any real insult intended…" He took a deep breath. "Absolutely not."

"B-but it's—upbeat!" said Kagome amazed. "It's catchy!"

"Precisely," seethed Hikaru. He shook his head. "It sounds like something that sells toothpaste."

Kagome pouted. "Well, let's see you do better."

"Why?" asked Hikaru, restarting his cheesecake. "I'm opposed to the whole 'team/name' paradigm." Kagome glanced away, as Hikaru downed a couple more pieces. Finally, he glanced at the others. "That said, there is another bit of business for us to discuss." He put down his fork, and crossed his hands on the table in front of him. "Our dining expenses."

Kagome, Inu-Yasha and Miroku all started at that. "Dining—expenses…" said Miroku uncomfortably.

"We've eaten out five times in the last three days, and every damn time I've wound up footing the bill. Well, the Gosunkugi gravy train is making its last stop, and…"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" came the maniacal laughter. "Behold commoners! You are honored to witness the phoenix-like rebirth of Tokyo's greatest criminal! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru collapsed forward, and began to rub his forehead. "Kagome—Inu-Yasha—please tell me—did a young man, dressed in purple spandex, with red gloves and boots, holding a large clunky gun just enter the café?"

"Yep," said Kagome.

"Only thing you missed is this golden belt and—suspender type things…" added Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru wearily turned to face the horror of Tokyo's most… special criminal mastermind, Katsuhiko Jinnai, or as he preferred to be called…

"Pile-on Pete," noted Hikaru, dully. "So we meet again. In exactly the same place…" He began to rub his temples. "You—really have problems with the whole—criminal mastermind thing, don't you?"

"First, that's Pastepot Pete," said Jinnai. "Secondly that is no longer my name."

"But Poopdeck Pete," said Hikaru sadly, "Why mess with such a working formula?"

"That's Pastepot! Pastepot Pete!"

"Umm—Dr. Strange?" asked Kagome. "What can—Pete do?"

"Shoot paste," said Hikaru. "Pasta Pete is not exactly a top-rung supervillain…"

"STOP SLANDERING ME! AND I'M PASTEPOT PETE!"

"Sorry Placemat Pete."

"PASTEPOT PETE!" screamed Jinnai. "CAN YOU JUST—SAY IT RIGHT?"

"Sure. Papaya Pete."

"PASTEPOT!" cried Jinnai. He leveled his paste pistol at Hikaru's head. "Say it properly, damn you, SAY IT!"

"Big Boy Bob," answered Hikaru calmly.

Jinnai blinked miserably. "You're doing this intentionally aren't you?"

Hikaru smiled. "Might be."

Jinnai gave a long, inarticulate howl, then shook his head. "Well, it doesn't matter! I am no longer Pas—who I was! I am now the Trapster!" He gave a satisfied glance in Hikaru's direction.

Hikaru had sat back down and was eating his cheesecake again. "Hey!" yelled Jinnai. "I've just redefined myself as a new source of evil! It's impressive!"

Hikaru glanced at him and shrugged. "Well, I have to say Tripster…"

"Trapster!"

"Troopster…"

"Trapster! It's Trapster!"

"Dropsy."

"TRAPSTER! CAN'T YOU SAY 'TRAPSTER?"

"Nummymuffin-coocol Butter."

Jinnai swallowed a shout, and stared at Hikaru bleakly. "You're doing it again, aren't you? Messing with my head again…"

Hikaru finished a bite of cheesecake and chuckled. "Well, you can be taught."

Jinnai sputtered in rage. "YES, AND THE THINGS I'VE LEARNT SHALL DESTROY YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He pulled a golden cylinder off his newly added belt. "This is my new ultimate weapon—the GLUE GRENADE!"

Hikaru gave him a distracted glance and nodded. "Let me guess—blows up and covers the area in glue."

"A VERY—!"

"—Sticky glue. Right." Hikaru sighed. "So your ultimate weapon is just like your normal weapon, only less accurate, and with a shorter range."

Jinnai fidgeted. "Umm—right." On reflection that _did_ sound wrong…

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Hikaru.

"Oh, just shut up!" cried Jinnai. "I've got other new weapons." He gestured at his boots. "Such as my new GLUE GALOSHES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You really should cut down on the alliteration," noted Hikaru. "It really detracts from your already negligible menace."

"Ah, but with these, I can climb up walls!" Jinnai pressed down on his heels. "I simply press the built-in button, and the sole of my boots are covered with glue, allowing me to climb up walls like so…" Jinnai tried to take a step forward.

His feet refused to do this, remaining stuck firmly to the floor.

Jinnai stared down in disbelief. "AGAIN? I thought I'd taken care of that!" He began to struggle out of his boots, a difficult proposition as he could barely move his feet.

Hikaru glanced at his companions. "I present to you the MS Windows of supervillains. Each upgrade succeeds only making him slower, less efficient and more annoying."

Jinnai, finally out of his left boot, glanced at him. "Look, I admit my new weaponry is not panning out as expected, but that wasn't the only thing I came up with in prison…"

"You were in prison?" asked Hikaru.

Jinnai glanced around furtively. "Umm—yes."

"That's odd. It's been barely over a week since I beat you."

Jinnai gulped. In actual truth his charges had been reduced down from 'attempted robbery with a deadly weapon' to 'disturbing the peace' when it was pointed out that he wasn't carrying a deadly weapon, and that it couldn't be proved he was trying to rob someone. What's more, the police commissioner had been willing to drop even those negligible charges if Jinnai promised to mow his lawn on Tuesdays.

Somehow, Jinnai didn't think that would help his reputation as a menacing force of evil. "Well, I was in prison!" he stated angrily. "And I escaped! And—"

A blonde stuck her head in the café. "Hey, Lord Trapster! Can we come in now? Lord Wizard is getting bored, and Medusa-chan seems to be turning blue again, which is never a good sign…"

"In a minute!" snapped Jinnai. "I'm still setting you guys up."

The blonde nodded. "Right." She ducked back out.

Jinnai turned back to the rest of the café patrons. "I have gained allies! Three of the worst criminal geniuses the world has ever seen!"

"Seems fitting," noted Hikaru. "Wouldn't want you to be out of your league…"

"Shut up!" said Jinnai. "Alone we are formidable—together we are unbeatable! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, prepare to meet your doom, Dr. Strange—" Jinnai glanced over the rest of group as if seeing them for the first time. "—and associates, in the form of my deadly ALLIES—" He gestured to the door.

There was a rather long interval of nothing happening.

Jinnai walked over to the door and opened it. "Guys! I just set you up!"

"Oh!" came the blonde's reply. "I thought you still were doing it…"

"No," corrected Jinnai. "I'd just gotten to the part where you guys are supposed to burst through the door, cackling evilly."

"Ooh, gotchya!"

"So we're on the same wavelength here?"

"Yep."

"Great. So, I'll do that next bit again, and you come in. Am I understood?"

"Loud and clear, yo!"

"Wonderful." Jinnai stepped back, and closed the door. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, prepare to meet your doom Dr. Strange and associates, in the form of my deadly ALLIES—" He gestured to the door again.

There was another rather long interval of nothing happening.

Jinnai walked to the door, and opened it. "I thought we were clear on this!"

The blonde ducked her head back in. "Sorry. My little brain cells got confused…"

"Look, how about you just come in, and we _act_ like you came in on cue?" asked Jinnai desperately.

The blonde ducked back out. There was the sound of a whispered discussion, followed by the blonde poking her head back in. "Yeah, that's cool." She walked in followed by two more individuals. Seen in full, the blonde was revealed to be wearing a green bodysuit with a lightning bolt on it. The other two members of Jinnai gang of supervillains were a young woman with long black hair, and a rather pale complexion, wearing a tight red outfit, and a man in his late twenties with pale white hair, wearing heavy white robes, and _pince nez_ sunglasses. They walked casually into the café and glanced around. "Umm, Lord Trapster?" asked the blonde. "These people don't seem to be cowering in terror."

"That's because we aren't laughing maniacally," said Jinnai.

"Oh, right," said the blonde. The pair began to laugh in unison.

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tremble, yes, tremble before our might!" declared Jinnai.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the blonde. "Like the big fish in the koi pond, it will devour you—assuming you to be a smaller fish in the pond, which is the only way the analogy makes sense, because even very big koi don't eat people, believe me, I've tried to make them, and it didn't—"

Jinnai shook his head at her pointedly. "I think they get the point."

"Oh, right." She glanced at him, uncertain. "Do we do the introduction thing now?"

Jinnai nodded. "It seems appropriate."

"All right!" She immediately struck a dramatic pose. "Prepare to be amazed, ignorant masses by…!"

"Umm, senior…" whispered the brunette in a delicate voice. "Medusa does not wish to be a burden, but she is feeling slightly faint, and thus perhaps should go first…"

"Ahh, Medusa, I—" began the blonde. She turned to the apparent 'Medusa'. "Medusa-chan! You're bleeding!"

Medusa wiped a thin stream of blood away from the corner of her mouth. "It is nothing senior. -_coughcoughcough_- Just a slight case -_coughcoughcough_- of internal hemorrhaging." With that sentence out of the way, Medusa saw fit to give into the urge to cough some more.

"Umm, maybe you should go first…" said the blonde taking a step back.

"Thank you, senior. You are so thoughtful." Medusa stepped forward, and smiled gently at the café patrons. "Good day, people. I am Madame Medusa. With my powers of -_coughcoughcough_- follicle manipulation, I will take great pleasure in destroying your lives, and ruining all that you possess," she said sweetly. "Do not hope to—" At that moment she had a coughing fit of such magnitude that she began to lose balance. Jinnai and the blonde rushed to her side, and held her up. "Thank you senior—Lord Trapster—Medusa is honored that you so value her health…"

"Would you just finish your spiel?" implored Jinnai.

"Sorry, sir." She weakly shook her head. "I will continue. Do not hope for mercy at my hands—I possess—I possess—" With that she gave a gasp and fainted.

Jinnai and the blonde carried her over to a chair, and sat her down.

"Follicle manipulation?" said Miroku, puzzled.

"She can physically control her hair," stated Jinnai, fanning air towards the unconscious Medusa. "It's more useful than it sounds."

"Right! Medusa-chan is one tough honey!" shouted the blonde. "At least, when she isn't passing out due to exhaustion, and her various ailments, and well, I'm not sure, but I suspect drugs are involved. The thing is her hair is so strong, you could bungee jump with it, though you probably wouldn't want to do that, in fact you guys really don't see like the bungee type, which I totally understand, because hurtling towards the ground never struck me as all that fun, the few times I did it, though I suppose if you like it, there's no accounting for taste…"

Jinnai glanced at her. "It's your turn."

"Whuh?" she exclaimed, startled. "Oh, right. Right on!" She turned to the crowd, an electric discharge pulsing from her. "Greetings ignorant masses! I'm the blonde bombshell with a shocking personality—sorry about the puns, they were Lord Trapster's idea, and I think they're a little silly—"

"Finish it up," said Jinnai sourly.

"Electra—no that's Greek—Exceltro—not that's not it—Electrocel—no, no, no…"

"Excel?" said Jinnai in a tired voice.

"Yes, Lord Trapster?"

"Just stick to your old codename."

"Oh. Okay. EXCEL!" She shot a victory sign at the patrons. "I've got an electric charge, and I'm superfast and hyper, though Lord Wizard doesn't think that's a super power, but Lord Trapster thinks it is, and I can control electricity, and I can do this!" She picked up a spoon, blew on it, then stuck it on her nose. "See!" she said, pointing at the hanging spoon. "Pretty damn good, ain't I?"

Jinnai seemed to be wincing. "That's—very impressive Excel…"

Excel glanced at the last member of the motley army of evil. "Umm, I guess, it's Lord Wizard's turn next…"

Jinnai glared at her. "Oh, I notice you get his new codename _perfect_!"

"Well, that's 'cause he tortures me hideously when I get it wrong!" replied Excel. She snapped her fingers. "That's IT! You could torture me! Then I'd be sure to remember it…" She grabbed Jinnai enthusiastically by the shoulders. "You could tie me up and spank me repeatedly! That should do the trick!"

Jinnai fidgeted awkwardly. "I'll, umm, keep that in mind…" His head turned as quickly as possible. "Wizard! Your turn!"

The man in the white robes seemed to rouse himself, as if from a deep slumber. "My what…?" he asked sleepily.

"Your turn to introduce yourself," said Jinnai, as Excel clung to his right side.

"Oh, of course," said the Wizard in dulcet, tired tones. "Greetings ignorant masses—"

Excel looked at Jinnai imploringly. "Come on! Just a light spanking! That's all it would take!"

The Wizard turned to Jinnai suddenly. "What are you two talking about?"

Jinnai winced again. "It's really nothing important…"

"Right, I'm trying to convince Lord Trapster to torture me," said Excel casually.

The Wizard's eyes tightened in annoyance. "Well, in that case, don't let me interrupt what is no doubt an important and edifying discussion."

Jinnai turned to him desperately. "No! You have to introduce yourself! Everyone must know who we are! Otherwise this whole thing falls apart!"

"Right!" cried Excel. "Don't deny us your precious words, Lord Wizard! They are the life-giving water that will keep us from withering like those plants your mother sends you that you put on your windowsill, then forget for a couple months, so that later you've got this little dried out husk sitting there…"

Jinnai nodded. "What she said…"

The Wizard gave a lofty smile. "Well, if you put that way, then how can I refuse." He turned back to the crowd. "Greetings, ignorant masses! I, the Wizard, have decided to stem the tide of corruption and evil by conquering you and ruling your pathetic lives. Prepare yourself for the harsh hand of my justice."

All this was said in the tone of a man reading a farm report on television at 3 AM.

Jinnai sighed. "Can't you just—gloat, or rant a _little_?"

The Wizard sat down, as if the effort he'd just expended had exhausted him. "I prefer to handle my supervillainy at my own pace, refusing to let the outside world dictate my actions."

Jinnai rolled his eyes. "Of course." He turned back to the crowded restaurant. "So, are you ready to face the fury of—THE FRIGHTFUL FOUR?" He threw back his head, manically. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

It took him a moment to realize that most of the café had shifted over to ignoring the self-proclaimed world-conquerors.

Most of them. "Oh, wow!" said Kagome, watching them enrapt. "You mean like the _Fantastic_ Four! The superhero group!"

"What?" screamed Jinnai.

Kagome took out a somewhat bent magazine. "They're Tokyo's latest superheroes! Mr. Fantastic! Invisible Girl! The Human Torch! And the Thing! Dedicated to protecting Japan from evil-doers the—"

Jinnai yanked the magazine from Kagome's hand. "Oh, come on! I _just_ get a team together on the four motif, and it's already—" He stared at the magazine, then screamed. "I don't believe it! That bastard Mizuhara has done it again! No sooner do I create a team of four supervillains to conquer the world, then he rips me off, and does the same thing!"

"But—the Fantastic Four are superheroes," said Kagome. "They don't want to rule the world!"

"AHHA!" exclaimed Jinnai. "That's just what Mizuhara wants you to think! In reality, he's planning to conquer the world, just to spite me!"

"That's right!" proclaimed Excel. "His wily deceptions know no bounds! Nor does his evil! Why, my entire life, I've wondered who was causing disasters around me, causing my stuff to disappear, and setting places I was in on fire! And shortly after I met Lord Trapster landscaping—"

"In prison," added Jinnai hurriedly.

"He revealed to me that it was Makoto Mizuhara who had haunted my life like a malignant specter the entire time!" Excel glanced around confidently. "And what proves his evil is that I had never heard of him, or even suspected his existence the entire time—and yet he persecutes me all the same!"

Hikaru, his cheesecake finished, set down his fork. "Check please!"

Jinnai turned to the Wizard. "We must change plans immediately. Mizuhara and his band of ruffians should be dealt with!"

"As I recall, 'Operation: Alpha' was your brainchild," said the Wizard airily, as the waitress delivered his cup of tea.

"True, and it pains me to abandon it on the literal doorstep of success," said Jinnai in clipped tones. "But now is the time for action! I propose we put 'Operation: Beta' into effect."

The Wizard seemed somewhat confused. "I didn't know we had an 'Operation: Beta'…"

"We do now!" said Jinnai. "Destroy the Fantastic Four."

The Wizard shook his head. "As leader of this group, I find such a change in plans unmerited. As you originally pointed out, the strength of 'Operation: Alpha' was that no one expected you to strike so quickly after the last time. To give it up is to risk losing the element of surprise."

"But as tactical commander, I feel it is in our best interest to defeat Mizuhara and the rest!"

"And as supreme leader, I say no, and my decisions outweigh yours."

"But—sir—if my plans are dismissed out of hand, I cannot command effectively…"

"Surely you can't expect me to grant you carte blanche?" asked the Wizard.

"If I may speak," said Medusa sweetly, "I suggest that we take this opportunity to iron out our command structure." She smiled benignly, then fell face forward into the table.

"Good idea!" said Jinnai, while the Wizard nodded in agreement. "Waitress, some coffee! This might take awhile."

"No shoes, no service," replied the waitress tersely.

"Oh, son of a—" He glanced at the Wizard. "Hand me that solvent, eh?"

The Wizard tossed Jinnai a small vial that he began to administer to the still firmly stuck boots. "Now, clearly you see," began the Wizard, " your gratitude for the use of my equipment, and my advanced underground base—"

"It's a sewer, Wizard," said Jinnai in frustration. "Putting in a chair, some curtains, and a trap door does not make it an advanced underground base…"

"And here's your tip," said Hikaru, quietly annoyed at having to foot the bill again. He turned to the others. "Let's go, people…"

"But shouldn't we thwart this evil?" asked Kagome.

Hikaru glanced back at the Frightful Four.

"Now, if we were the Frightful Five, we would have greater name recognition…" began Excel.

"For the last time, Excel, the dog isn't joining!" shouted Jinnai. "I don't care if you have made battle armor for it!"

"But I just know my little Menchi wants to serve the cause in ways besides being our emergency food supply!"

Hikaru turned back to the door. "This time, Kagome, I think evil has foiled itself."

-----

Jigen lit his pipe, casually, and glanced over his fellows, seated out in the Cowl's lair's impromptu smoking room. "Well, I have to admit—the guy's made one hell of a plan."

Gypsy Moth fidgeted. "It seems—risky…"

"But well thought out," noted Oddball, twirling two billiards between his fingers. "Back in the Circus, the Ringmaster sent us out on jobs that were much worse…"

Jigen glanced at him, surprised. "You were in the Circus of Crime?"

Oddball gave a tired nod. "For some time. Before that I was a member of the Death Throws."

"No kidding," said Jigen. The Death Throws' reputation as assassins was legendary—as vaunted in some circles as such figures as Duke Gogol, the Taskmaster, Noir, and the Hand's elite Upper Circle. And their deeds were as dark as any of them. "So, why'd you leave them?"

"Nobody ever left the Death Throws," answered Oddball. "The Death Throws just left the world." He began to idly toss the billiard balls. "A run in with—a pair of rivals in France left most of the group—permanently unemployed, so I was forced to join the Circus of Crime to stay solvent." He leaned back slightly, catching the balls in one hand. "A shame, in a way. They were the closest thing I ever had to a family."

"You're an orphan?" asked Whirlwind, looking concerned.

Oddball shrugged. "So far as I can tell. In my native Latveria, our former ruler, thelate Prince Ruldolpho used to hold periodic purges to make sure the people remained loyal to him. It was always rather easy for people to get lost during them…"

Gypsy Moth snorted. "How very touching!"

Oddball glanced at him, sternly. "I neither asked for, or desire your sympathy…"

"Good, because you aren't going to get—"

Gypsy Moth sentence became a yelp as a billiard ball came within inches of smacking him in the face. He glared at Oddball, who calmly stepped over and picked up the ball. "Sorry. Hand must have slipped."

Gypsy Moth grumbled to himself. Slyde glanced at Oddball. "I've heard of the Circus of Crime. Weren't you all arrested a while back?"

Oddball stared back at her. "As I said, the Ringmaster used to send me out on jobs that were much worse. And in this business, we all get arrested eventually. It's convictions you have to worry about."

Gypsy Moth glared at the juggler. "I don't _get_ arrested. And that is the end of the story."

Oddball stared back at him levelly. "Of course it is. That's why you're here with a collection of criminals. Because you don't get arrested."

Gypsy Moth frowned severely at that. Slyde snorted. "Pathetic. Whirlwind and I are almost ashamed to be associated with you…"

Whirlwind glanced at 'her' sister. "Umm, sis—I really don't think it's a good idea too…"

Slyde slapped the back of Whirwind's head. "I seem to recall that I'm the one that does the thinking around here."

"Um, right," said Whirlwind. "Sorry about that."

Gypsy Moth laughed bitterly. "You two are really starting to annoy me more than the street performer, actually…"

Jigen sighed. "Look—we're obviously driving each other crazy here. Why don't we find something to talk about?"

"Like what?" spat out Gypsy Moth. "The Tokyo Orchestra's latest production? This season's latest hit movie? Our favorite novels?" He gestured dismissively. "There's a definite lack of common interest here…"

"We're all criminals," said Jigen calmly. "Let's talk about that."

Man-Killer glanced at him surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Yes," muttered Gypsy Moth. "I'm wondering too. Do you want to compare safe-cracking methods?"

Jigen put out his pipe. "No. Let's do what Oddball here did. Let's talk about ourselves. What got us into crime. What our powers are." He shrugged. "Things like that."

"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Gypsy Moth. "I'm not revealing my identity to you hoodlums…"

"Glad to know your opinion of us," said Oddball. "And I have to say the Laser's right. In partnerships like this, it's better to know who you're associates are. A certain level of camaraderie is necessary to work together as a group."

Jigen nodded. "Besides, we're going to see you committing felonies. If we're arrested, the fact that we don't know your name won't save you…"

Gypsy Moth fidgeted and turned away. "Well, I'm not going first, and I'm not telling anyone my name…"

Jigen gave a distracted nod. "You don't have to." He waved his hand. "I'm Daisuke Jigen. My family's long worked for the syndicates, and I have sought to use my engineering genius to become one of the leading contract men in the business. And I did. I've since worked for such diverse talent as Batroc, Gallactor, and Lupin the Third. End of the story."

Gypsy Moth stared at him. "That wasn't very complicated."

"I'm a simple man," said Jigen. "Not everyone in this business is a twisted sociopath who's turned to crime to seek some impossible goal."

"Well, that sounds like my turn," stated Man-Killer. "I'm actually glad to tell my tale—it needs to be told. People should know the abuse that brought me to my present state…" She shut her eyes. "My name is… was Mariko Kojo."

Slyde blinked. "Wh—that can't be right! That would make you the daughter of—"

"The president of one of Japan's leading biochemical concerns. Yes." She flexed an arm, idly. "I was probably the most eligible girl in Japan. I lived a happy and contented existence, with my stuffed animals, and my cheerleading, and my society parties…" A slightly dazed smile came to her face. "And it was at one of them that I met the man of my dreams—Tatewake Kunou." Her eyelashes fluttered. "Heir to Kunou Industries, and the most eligible bachelor in Japan. Our love was predestined. Taki was so debonair, and handsome, he simply swept me off my feet. Oh, I heard some people saying he was a playboy, and a rake, and a ne'er-do-well, but I knew that wasn't true, that the love of a good woman would clear up the problems in his life. I approached him, and asked him out for a date. It went perfectly. I was now certain that I had met the man I would marry. Afterwards, he promised to call me."

Man-Killer stopped here, her fists clenching and a scowl appearing on her face. "I waited a week. No response. Finally, I called him…" Her teeth began to grind. "THE BASTARD HAD GONE MISSING! To avoid another date with me, he disappeared!" She began to hyperventilate. "So naturally, I did the only… logical thing—DEDICATED MY LIFE TO VENGEANCE! I have sworn revenge on Taki, and all his gender! All men shall suffer a thousand agonies AT MY HANDS!" She glanced around at the predominantly male gathering. "Present company excluded of course."

"Ah," said Jigen. "Of course."

Whirlwind coughed. "You know—I'm only technically a male. In every other aspect, I am a girl. Just so you know."

Oddball glanced at her. "So—how'd you achieve your—physique?"

Man-Killer smiled. "Daddy's company was working on some experimental super-soldier serum—some old military program that just didn't pan out. They were trying to fix what went wrong the first time. I just helped myself to a rejected batch scheduled for destruction."

Jigen blinked. "Was that—wise? What about—side effects?"

"Oh don't be silly!" she laughed. "I was careful! The only side effect noted from the batch I took was a tendency for aggravated psychotic behavior, and I haven't had any problems with that…" Suddenly, she snarled and leapt at Slyde, lifting the smaller girl by the throat. "WERE YOU STARING AT ME? I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE STARE AT ME!"

Slyde shook her head desperately. "Of course not!"

Man-Killer giggled. "Oh. Well, sorry about that," she said, setting Slyde down. "Anyway, the whole vengeance thing's proved kind of difficult—it turns out there really _isn't_ a lot of money in revenge—and I was sort of at split ends, when I discovered something amazing—people will pay you to beat other people up!" She laughed. "It's remarkable! I mean—who'd a thought you could make money doing what you love!"

The others glanced at her awkwardly, and took a few slight steps away. Slyde stepped forward, and patted her brother on the shoulder. "Perhaps I should relate our story. It is, like Miss Man-Killer's story, a tale of egregious wrongs forcing people into a life of crime…"

Gypsy Moth glared at him. "She wasn't forced! By her own admission she chose to become a criminal in order to pursue revenge!"

"Silence!" bellowed Slyde. "My tale starts now!" She glanced around the room dramatically. "Whirlwind and I were not always master criminals. Once we were the Respighi Sisters, World Class Athletes!"

Oddball nodded. "That explains the outfits…"

Slyde seemed to be off in her own little world. "Undefeated! Masters of the form! The epitome of style and grace! But then—tragedy struck! Our jealous rivals accused us of cheating, and had us unjustly banned from competition."

"But Slyde," said Whirlwind, "we did cheat. I used my mutant ability to spin at remarkable speeds to win at ice skating, and you used your ability to nullify friction to win at races."

"And was it cheating for us to use our god-given abilities to achieve superior results?" stated Slyde.

"Well, yes…" said Man-Killer.

The others nodded. "Seems pretty clean-cut to me," noted Gypsy Moth.

Slyde snorted. "Philistines. That's exactly the attitude that forced us into crime…"

"That and all the money you'd won on bets," muttered Whirlwind

Slyde glanced awkwardly away. "Well, yeah." She coughed. "You know, people can be very unforgiving of illegal sports betting committed by mutants who have used their abilities to make the results certain…"

Whirlwind stared at her resentfully. "And what do you mean 'God-given'? We both know Mom had us genetically engineered to be like this…"

Slyde shook a finger at Whirlwind's face. "Hey, while I admit Mom could be quite obsessive, up to falsifying the gender of one of her children so that that child could win the female ice-skating medal she lost, it still doesn't stand to reason that she would scientifically enhance us to make our victories inevitable."

"So how did we wind up like this?" muttered Whirlwind.

Slyde's eyes glossed over. "I like to call it—a miracle," she said.

Whirlwind glanced over at the others. "I think we're done."

All eyes fell on Gypsy Moth. "No. No way."

The others continued to stare at him.

"Listen," he snarled, "there is nothing to tell about my past, because the time I spent as—a larvae is not part of my life now. Ever since I emerged from my cocoon, the master of textile-based telekinesis, I have had no time for the man I was!" A beatific smile spread over his face. "He is dead—DEAD! All that is left—is the Gypsy Moth! My past does not encumber me."

"Except for being a Tokyo University Graduate," noted Oddball. "You mention that an awful lot…"

"Are any of you Tokyo University Graduates?" asked Gypsy Moth snippily. He waited for a moment. "No? Well, then I've made my point…"

" 'Textile-based telekinetics'?" asked Man-Killer, puzzled.

"I can move fabrics with my mind," stated Gypsy Moth calmly.

Man-Killer stared at him for a second, and then burst into laughter. "Oh—oh, man—that's—you—wow, I was actually a little afraid of you—"

Gypsy Moth stared at her forcefully.

Suddenly, Man-Killer was pulled off her feet as her legs shot up off the floor, yanked away against her will. She screamed—but was cut off as her choker began to constrict against her throat, fulfilling its name.

"Yes," said Gypsy Moth, "fabrics. Delicate. Omnipresent fabrics. Like the Moth that is my namesake, I spin my silk into things I can use." He began to levitate over Man-Killer's fallen form. "Also I fly. And though I freely admit I lack the raw power of gross telekinesis, I more than make up for it with finesse." The phantom grip on her choker tightened. "Am I understood?"

Man-Killer gave a desperate nod. "Good," chuckled Gypsy Moth. The choker loosened. "Try to remember that." He fluttered down to the ground a short distance away, grinning.

Jigen frowned. He'd done what he'd set out to—he now knew more about his partners—more than what they thought they had revealed. And what he knew worried him. What did the Crimson Cowl intend by bringing in so many difficult—indeed marginally (and that might be underestimating it) psychotic criminals together?

Somehow, Jigen got the impression that the Cowl actually knew the answer to that one, and that was not a comforting thought.

-----

Hikaru walked on, hands in his pockets, face turned to the ground. Kagome and Inu-Yasha walked a short distance behind him.

Miroku was walking at a more sizable distance, having turned into a local adult novelty store.

Finally, Hikaru glanced at a newspaper, and sighed. Kagome blinked. "Urr—is something wrong, Doctor Strange…?"

"Oh, it's nothing," he stated. "Just this latest headline—made me think about things."

Kagome glanced at the newspaper. The headline read, 'FANTASTIC FOUR SAVE GRATEFUL CITY, ONCE AGAIN'. "Wow," she said. "They really do a good job." She smiled at Hikaru. "I mean, they've been operating for—a week, maybe?"

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "And how long have we been doing this?"

Kagome thought that over. "About two weeks…"

Hikaru nodded, a grim smile on his face. "And how many times have we saved this city from utter destruction…?"

Kagome bit her lip in thought. "Well, there was the elder god—and the chaos demons—and the Soul-devourers—and Sons of Satannish…"

Hikaru waved his hand. "Let's just say, an awful lot." He glanced at the paper again. "And how many times have we warranted a headline…?"

Kagome blinked. "Umm, well—we did rank a special editorial in the _Bugle_…"

Hikaru stared at her. "I don't think being called 'the vilest threat to our fair nation since the Enola Gay left the runway' is a fair appraisal of our work…" Hikaru wandered off, groaning. "We're a joke. Nonentities! And why? Because of the threats we face! While the Fantastic Four have taken on a massive invasion from under the Earth, a devious attempt by strange illusion-wielding aliens, and several mad scientists—ONE WITH SUPER MONKEYS, I MIGHT ADD—we have been fighting the special education version of supervillains. I mean look at that bunch back there—a man who's nearly catatonic, a woman who will soon be catatonic, a woman who might as well be catatonic, and a man whose laugh makes you wish that you were catatonic! That is our rogue's gallery! The people who irritate you in line for the movies! My god! What villainy!"

Kagome gulped slightly at the frantic Hikaru. "We—we've done a real good job taking care of demons, and evil invaders from unholy planes…"

"Oh, yes!" shouted Hikaru. "The never-ending waves of the UNPRONOUNCABLE ONES!" Hikaru laughed slightly. "You know I think people have a hard time caring about things they don't even know exist, and couldn't even say if they did!" Hikaru glanced up at the stars. "All I'm asking is just once—ONCE—to face an opponent who's smarter than a piece of dryer lint! I mean, do I have some sign on my back that says, 'supervillainous losers attack here'?"

At that moment, a large fat man wearing a walrus costume started walking down the street menacingly. "Fear me Tokyo! Fear—the Walrus! Goo goo g'joob!"

Hikaru gave a mighty scream that stopped even the Walrus in his tracks, and then turned away, and pointed at Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "You are taking care of this guy! Not me! I refuse to dignify this weirdo with my presence! Walruses are not villainous! Hell, they aren't even scary!"

Hikaru stormed off.

Miroku walked past him holding a brown paper bag. "Hello everyone—sorry for the delay." He glanced at Inu-Yasha and Kagome cheerfully. "So, what did I miss?"

-----

"So—large-breasted gaijin women, eh?" asked one guard.

"That's right. Every one of them trained in the arts of occidental love…" answered his friend.

"Sounds like one hell of a brothel…"

They were stationed outside a building that looked much like any other building. Of course, if you were to attack this building, it would have wound up feeling more like a small fortress, but just walking by it on the street, you'd never even notice it.

Gypsy Moth (who out of costume wasa surprisingly normal—even handsome looking—man) was noticing it however, as the Crimson Cowl had instructed him to. More exactly, he was noticing it with high-level spy gear that he was using to pick up the conversations of the guards. He glanced at his partners. "Security seems… lax."

"I was wondering about that," noted Man-Killer. "But more—I was wondering why you have so much spy equipment…"

Gypsy Moth made a sour face as if he'd swallowed something distasteful. "The fact that I'm prepared surprises you…?"

Man-Killer shrugged. "Just seems voyeuristic is all…"

Jigen sighed and readied his laser gauntlet.

Gypsy Moth snarled. "Listen, I will not be judged by you…"

Man-Killer grabbed him by the shoulders. "And I say you will!" She began to throttle him. "Understood?" She started chuckling. "Doesn't feel good, does it? Choking? Not good at all…" Gypsy Moth sputtered, desperately trying to breathe. "What's a matter? Can't use your fancy mental powers, can you? Not so powerful when you're facing a little direct violence." She laughed. "I like you better this way. Maybe I'll make it permanent…"

"That's enough," said Jigen, leveling his gauntlet at the pair. "Let him go. And you—don't do anything."

Man-Killer dropped Gypsy Moth. "Men!" she spat out disgustedly.

Gypsy Moth took a couple of deep breaths, and glared at her. "You had better watch your back you brainless slab of meat, because the next chance I get—"

"Trust me, the same goes for me—" muttered Man-Killer.

"Stop it," stated Jigen forcefully. "You each got your shot in, and now it ends. Understood? Because I'm not going to have two partners gunning at each other. Best case scenario is I lose a partner—worst case, I get caught in the crossfire." Jigen brought out his pipe and lit it. "Pretty much a lose-lose situation from my point of view."

Man-Killer nodded. "Umm, right." She tittered nervously. "Sorry about that. I just have this thing about hating men with an obsessive passion." She smiled awkwardly.

Gypsy Moth spat out a little blood and glared at Jigen. "Why should I listen to a fossil like you?"

Jigen smiled calmly. "Because I'm old enough to be called a fossil. Not many people in this business can say that." Gypsy Moth nodded, but continued to eye the older man warily. Jigen puffed happily on his pipe. "So—what do you two think about the Cowl?"

The pair blinked. "He seems… smart," said Man-Killer.

"Yes quite capable," added Gypsy Moth, cautiously.

"True," said Jigen evenly. "But I don't trust him."

Gypsy Moth and Man-Killer stared at him as if expecting him to explode. "Wha-what are you saying?" blurted out Man-Killer.

"I'm saying that I don't trust our employer," replied Jigen. "And you shouldn't either. People as—smart and—capable as the Crimson Cowl tend to be covering angles the rest of us don't even consider."

"Are you suggesting we betray the Cowl?" asked Gypsy Moth suspicious.

"No, just keep your eyes open," said Jigen quietly. "It might be best for all of us."

"Why us?" asked Man-Killer.

"I consider you two the most level-headed of my partners," replied Jigen. That was of course false—Gypsy Moth and Man-Killer were two of the most aberrantly psychotic people he knew, and that was saying a great deal. The _actual_ two most level-headed were Oddball and Machinesmith, neither of which Jigen trusted in the least on this matter. Machinesmith was obviously very much on the Crimson Cowl's side, while Oddball was playing his own game. That left Whirlwind and Slyde as the only alternative to these two, and what with their own sibling rivalry issues, Jigen didn't trust their ability to notice changes in weather, let alone diabolical plots.

It hadn't been a pretty choice, but as Jigen knew, you worked with what you had.

-----

Hikaru walked home from school, briskly, like a very slight breeze that can't wait to be somewhere else, and doesn't particularly care where. Every day he went to school, he counted himself lucky if he escaped all notice. This had been one of those lucky days, and he was hoping for that luck to hold.

"Hi, Hikaru!" came a cheerful voice.

Hikaru winced. Okay. It hadn't held.

Kagome rushed over to him, Inu-Yasha and Miroku in lockstep behind her. "Boy, are we glad to see you!"

Hikaru sighed. "A completely mutual feeling on some level, I'm sure."

Kagome blinked trying to work that sentence out. Hikaru took a deep breath. "So, what brings all of you here? At this very moment? Because we don't have anything to do right now. In fact that was the point of our last meeting…"

"And that's precisely why we're here!" said Kagome brightly.

"That's right," began Miroku. "We, your allies in the fight against darkness, wish to commemorate your heroic effort which has created a lull in what used to be a storm."

Kagome nodded. "You are the shining beacon of heroism that heroically shines the shining ways of heroes, shingingly!"

Hikaru stared at her a moment, quietely. "Umm—right. Thank you."

"And thus," stated Miroku in ringing tones, "we wish to present you with the following gift…"

Hikaru prepared himself for something involving bright colors and decoder rings.

Inu-Yasha pulled out a large tin cylinder, and handed it to Hikaru. "Ta-da…" he muttered grimly.

Hikaru blinked. "A pound… of coffee."

Kagome nodded. "We thought you might like it…"

"What're ya talkin' about? Coffee's one a the only things he seems to like at all!" groused Inu-Yasha. Kagome gave him a quick kick in the shin.

"Columbian…" said Hikaru, abstractly. "Dark roast." He looked up awkwardly for a moment, then glanced back down at the gift. "Thank you. This—this is nice."

"Just a token of appreciation," said Miroku.

"Right," said Kagome, "Also 'cause you seemed really down last night…"

Hikaru shifted nervously. "Right." He coughed. "Umm, sorry about being… brusque a moment ago. And last night." He glanced at Miroku. "Also, I'm sorry for incinerating your adult video collection last night."

Miroku gave a dismissive wave of his hand. "All is forgiven! I had copies."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Oh, marvelous, not only do I feel guilty but I accomplished nothing…"

"Ahh, Hikaru," said Kagome giving his back a companionable slap, "don't worry about these things! We all understand what's going on! Your natural heroishness is emerging! You're tired of not facing any real challenges, and wish to face an opponent who presses your skills to their limits. It's perfectly natural."

Hikaru stared at her for a moment. "You know, now I'm certain I've been hanging out with you too long—that _almost_ made sense." He shook his head. "Look, I'm doing some research that turned some—interesting results, and I think you three should hear about it…" He took a deep breath. "This could be big…"

"What could be big?"

Hikaru turned his head and blinked. "A-Akane!" He laughed nervously, and started fiddling with the buttons of his shirt.

He did this for several minutes.

Finally, Inu-Yasha slapped him on the back.

Hikaru glanced at him. "Thank you."

Akane looked at Inu-Yasha, then glanced at the rest of the group. "So—your—manga club?"

Hikaru laughed and nodded. "This indeed is that disreputable body." He continued laughing and nodding.

Inu-Yasha slapped him on the back.

Hikaru glanced at him. "Thank you." He turned to Akane and smiled. "I'm the president." He chuckled lightly.

Inu-Yasha slapped him on the back.

Hikaru glanced at him. "I wasn't even lapsing into hysteria that time."

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Just wanted to be sure." He thought it over. "Plus I really like slappin' you."

Hikaru glared at him, while Akane gave the group a puzzled glance. "Well, nice to meet you all." She gave a rather forced smile. "I'm Akane Tendo—Nabiki's sister…"

"Hmm," murmured Miroku. "An attractive cripple…" He stepped forward.

Hikaru shifted slightly.

Miroku glanced at him. "Umm—Hikaru…?"

Hikaru gazed back at him calmly. "Yes?"

"I believe you're stepping on my foot…"

Hikaru seemed unmoved. "Are you sure about that?" His eyes narrowed, so that Miroku was on the receiving end of what he liked to call 'Hikaru's Sleepy-Eyed Gaze of Death'. Miroku coughed. It was never good to be on the receiving end of that.

"Um, no," he answered. "I don't think I am."

Hikaru nodded. "Good."

Akane blinked. "Umm, so is—your fiancée here…?"

"Yep!" declared Kagome. "That's me! I'm the fiancée! Yep!" She reached into her pocket. "I even got it on a card!" She pulled out a small notecard and waved it around proudly. "See?"

Akane blinked, then glanced at Hikaru. "Nabiki wasn't kidding about her, was she?"

Hikaru rubbed his forehead. "Oh, no. Not it in the least."

Akane smiled at them, and began to back away. "Well, it's good to meet you all. You seem—nice." She nodded, and began to move away very quickly.

Miroku coughed. "Umm, Hikaru…"

Hikaru gave a distracted nod. "Yes…?"

"I've thought it over, and on further examination, you are in fact standing on my foot."

Hikaru gave another distracted nod. "Ah."

Miroku smiled hopefully. "So—will you get off it?"

Hikaru thought that one over for a moment. "Sure." He shifted slightly.

Miroku began to walk around, shaking his left foot gingerly.

Hikaru began walking the direction that Akane had left in. "Right. Well, see you guys later. To discuss… things."

Kagome blinked. "Hikaru?"

Hikaru waved casually. "Everything's fine! I'll get back to it!"

Kagome picked up the tin. "You forgot your coffee…" Hikaru's form was vanishing rapidly in the distance. Despite herself, Kagome giggled, and glanced at Inu-Yasha. "I think he likes her."

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Yeah." He shook his head. "That's weird."

Kagome stared at him. "Why?"

"Well, it's just hard to imagine Hikaru likin' anybody…"

"I see your point," said Kagome softly.

"Ah! The feeling's returned!" declared Miroku.

-----

"Creepy looking thing, ain't it?"

The 'thing' in question was a samurai sword, which had apparently been designed on the general theory that a weapon should incorporate as many skull, bones, and other unpleasant motifs as they possibly could in their decoration. While the sword was covered with gold and jewels, the manner of their adornment only added to the sword's disturbing aura. Watching the sword were an old man, and a young man.

The young guard nodded. "I'll definitely sleep easier knowing it's not here…" He glanced around uneasily. "So who's the boss selling it to?"

The older guard touched his finger lightly to the tip of his nose. "Rumor has it—AIM…"

"The big head guys…?"

"I wouldn't call them that," said his superior. "They don't like people being flippant about their leader's—condition."

"What, him being a mutant freak?"

"Yeah. They're oddly sensitive on that issue."

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Finally, the younger guard spoke. "What do they want an old sword for?"

"I don't ask about those things," said the first guard. "Wisest course, I find…"

The second guard nodded, then glanced around nervously. "I wish we had our cameras up…"

"Why? So the government can impound them later and find out what went down here?" The older man shook his head. "That thing's a national treasure. It's low enough on the totem pole so a private citizen can own it, but it's not supposed to leave the country."

"But—well, I know it's a genuine katana…"

"Tachi."

"Wha—?"

"That's a tachi. Not a katana."

"Whatever. I know it's valuable, but—" He scratched his head. "It's not like old swords are _that_ scarce."

His superior laughed. "Do you know what that thing is? It's Murasame's last blade."

The younger guard stared at him. "Murasame? Wasn't he the crazy master swordsmith whose swords were all cursed?"

The elder guard chuckled. "You're looking at the most cursed sword of all. They say when he made it he tempered it with his wife's own blood, because he wanted it to have the best…"

The second guard merely stared in shocked disbelief.

"And when he gave it away, his price was that he be killed by it."

"Why?" gulped the young guard.

"Because he'd achieved his height," replied his elder. "Anything more would have been a letdown."

The second guard shuddered. "Now I really want it out of here…"

Unknown to him, a few buildings away, a man who could control cloth with his mind was eavesdropping on his conversation in preparation of making his wish come true.

"Letting your days go by—let the water hold me down—letting your days go by—water flowing underground—Into the blue again—After the money's gone—Once in a lifetime—water flowing underground…"

Or trying to anyway.

Gypsy Moth glanced at the Crimson Cowl. Gypsy Moth had to admit the man was an expert in intimidation. Even when he was jiving along to a song, he seemed oddly frightening. Taking a deep breath, Gypsy Moth glanced at the grooving supervillain. "Would you please stop that, sir?"

The Crimson Cowl stopped in the middle of repeating "Same as it ever was," and fixed Gypsy Moth with a rather piteous gaze. "What's wrong? Do you lack that funky groove thing?"

"Let's just say I hate the Beatles…"

The Crimson Cowl laughed. "First off, those are the Talking Heads, not the Beatles, though both in fact rock. Secondly, there is no one that hates the Beatles. There are people who think they do, but this largely a pose they have created for social reasons. Understood?" He immediately began to get down again. "Water dissolving—and water removing—there is water on the bottom of the ocean…"

Gypsy Moth growled. "Look, I don't see why you're here…"

"We're a man short, remember? This job will take at least seven people to deal with security, and if I don't come along, we have six," replied the Cowl. "Oddball's work, that. He is a character, isn't he?"

Gypsy Moth narrowed his eyes. "And what about Machinesmith?"

"She's a background player," said the Cowl cheerfully. "Really unsuited for this sort of work. Whereas I am amply suited for it. In fact, it's probably serendipitous that I was allowed to join the assault team." He tapped his toe rhythmically. "We move in two hours. Please be ready then."

"I just don't think—" began Gypsy Moth.

"I know exactly what you don't think Teshigawara, and I don't care," said the Crimson Cowl forcibly. "There's a reason I'm the evil genius, and you're the hired help. In fact, we both know what that reason is, don't we? And so we're not going to talk about it, and you're not going to question my orders. Is this clear?"

Gypsy Moth gulped, then nodded.

The Crimson Cowl gave a cheerful bob of the heard. "That's good. It's always nice when two people of differing opinions can reach an understanding." He began to dance once again, singing softly. "Am I right?—Am I wrong?—And you may tell yourself—MY GOD!—WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

-----

"A sword, a coronet, a sceptre, two rings, four necklaces, and an ornamented helmet," stated Hikaru evenly.

"Ahh," said Kagome, nodding in understanding. "How'd things go with whatshername?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, now let's get back to the Shinken shards…" replied Hikaru.

"Her name was Akane," corrected Miroku.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, now let's get back to the Shinken shards…"

Kagome snapped her fingers. "That's it!" She smiled beamingly at Hikaru. "So, how'd it go?"

"I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about-now-let's-get-back-to-the-Shinken-shards…"

"He froze up, couldn't say anything," said Inu-Yasha with certainty.

"That is a completely untrue—indeed libelous statement!" shouted Hikaru. "You'd be hearing from my lawyers, if I had any, and you had any money to make suing you worthwhile." Hikaru thought things over. "And while I'm wishing for things, I might as well have a pony."

"Completely untrue?" asked Miroku.

"Words were said," replied Hikaru. "Not many words, I freely admit, and not necessarily the most cogent ones, but they were words." He glanced away. "When they weren't incomprehensible mumbling." Inu-Yasha snickered. Hikaru turned on him instantly. "Who are you to judge? You're every bit as repressed and nervous around women as I am."

"I am not!" said Inu-Yasha. "I've had scores of women!"

Kagome coughed severely.

Inu-Yasha gulped. "Well—not scores…"

Kagome coughed severely.

Inu-Yasha fidgeted. "Okay—really only a few…"

Kagome coughed severely.

Inu-Yasha whimpered. "One time, me and Kik—"

Kagome coughed severely.

Inu-Yasha hung his head. "Okay, you're right. Happy now?"

"Naturally. I'm always happy when you people waste my time," said Hikaru. "It fills me with exultation. Why don't you hold a mah johng tournament here sometime? I'm sure I'd love it."

Kagome gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm sure there's no reason to worry. I mean you've already located so many shards…"

"Last week one of the rings was stolen," said Hikaru.

There was uncomfortable silence.

"The week before that, it was one of the necklaces. And before that, the sceptre and the helmet."

Kagome gulped. "So—someone is collecting Shinken shards."

"Yes," replied Hikaru. "And that's very bad, seeing as most people can only get themselves killed in strange ways by these things. Which means the thief has inside knowledge, which means they probably have a plan…" He shook his head. "These are dangerous times. Things are breaking down, and there are things taking advantage of—"

He froze.

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Umm, Hikaru…?"

"Form," whispered Hikaru in sepulchral voice. "Form is the mold, the perfection from which being emanates. All things are descended from Form, influenced by Form, but only an Adept can see Form, and only an Adept can influence it…"

Kagome gulped. "Hikaru?"

"Maybe we should dunk a bucket of water on him?" suggested Inu-Yasha.

"Inu-Yasha!" scolded Kagome.

"Hey, I hear that's how ya treat people havin' fits!" said Inu-Yasha angrily.

"No, no, no—you put a spoon in their mouths," corrected Miroku.

Inu-Yasha seemed puzzled. "Why do ya do that?"

Miroku frowned. "I have no idea."

"Perhaps you put medicine on the spoon?" suggested Kagome.

"I don't think so," said Miroku, his voice full of uncertainty. "Perhaps it's a quality of cold metal against the tongue…"

"I'm not having seizure, people," said Hikaru calmly.

"Quiet, Hikaru," said Kagome. "We're trying to figure out the best way to stop your seizures."

Hikaru winced. "There are moments when I question our association, you know that? Moments when I say, 'what am I doing with these people'. Moments when I have an overwhelming desire to incinerate you in the flames of my wrath…"

Kagome clapped her hands in delight. "You're not having a seizure anymore."

Hikaru gave her a rewarding pat on the shoulder. "And they say home schooling doesn't work." He got his Cloak off his bedpost. "Though technically I was never having a seizure in the first place. Well, we better get going…"

Miroku stared at Hikaru suspiciously. "So, what just happened?"

Hikaru gave a dismissive shrug. "I had a watching spell put up to alert me if—certain activities that I expected to take place took place. They took place. The spell alerted me." He shook his head. "It simply did so in a way that was more—violent than I'd expected."

Inu-Yasha stared at him. "So—you just almost fried yer own brain?"

"Of course not," laughed Hikaru confidently. " 'Almost' is such an imprecise word, when you get down to it. I merely slightly miscalculated the effects of my spell, and the feedback turned out to be more powerful than I thought. That's all! No danger of brain frying whatsoever! That I know of! So let's get moving!" Hikaru gestured emphatically. "Chop, chop people!"

Miroku stared at him for a moment. "So—what's going on?"

Hikaru made an effort at a casual grin. It didn't go well. "Remember that sword I mentioned to you, a little while ago?"

-----

The world can be a very ironic place, sometimes.

For example, security forces tend to favor men over women in their hiring practices. Sexist perhaps, but a fact.

Man-killer also tends to favor men over women in her attacking practices. Also sexist, but also a fact.

Man-killer, being a criminal often fights private security forces, and the fact that they're usually men makes her very happy.

Thus the sexist practices of the one encourage the sexist practices of the other, who doesn't even realize that she's benefiting from a sexist practice.

See? Irony.

The complex interplay of factors was completely lost on the man whose arm she was breaking.

"Man, this is easy!" she stated loudly. "I mean you think someone like this 'Hammer' guy would keep a few kung-fu masters on hand, or at least arm his guys with advanced particle weaponry, but all he has is normal guys with guns…"

Oddball glanced at her. "You'd rather they were the particle ray-toting kung-fu masters?" he noted.

"Well," said Man-Killer, sending her victim toppling into three other guards, "you have to admit that it'd be more interesting. Not that I'm knocking this," she added quickly. "It's just not particularly challenging."

Oddball, in short order sent out an exploding ball that demolished a walkway, a tear gas ball that incapacitated twelve guards, and a weighted ball that smashed a guard's wrist and sent his shot into the head of the man next to him instead of Oddball. He glanced back at Man-Killer. "I agree. These people are undertrained. I blame an overstimulated market—too much demand producing inferior goods."

Gypsy Moth stared at them disgustedly as he snapped the backs of another pair of guards. "Would you two stop talking like that!" he muttered. "It's very distracting."

Man-Killer winced. "We're just—chatting…"

Gypsy Moth turned away. "This is a criminal society, not a social club."

"Can't it be both?" came a soft voice.

Gypsy Moth blinked as the Crimson Cowl stepped majestically past him. "Umm… sir…" said Gypsy Moth nervously.

The Crimson Cowl strode forward. "After all I'm not best served by people being tense, and not talking to each other. I want you to enjoy working with each other. In fact, Gypsy Moth, you should probably spend more effort in getting along with your fellow members." A shot rang out, missing the Cowl's head by inches. He turned and shot a bola at the fleeing security guard, then darted forward and struck the man unconscious as he fell. "Merely a suggestion," he finished.

Jigen paused from his own efforts, which had just collapsed a stairway which seven men were going down, and stared at the Crimson Cowl, who had followed the conclusion of that subtle dressing down by disposing of two more opponents. Slyde and Whirlwind were fighting in unison, Whirlwind's spinning and Slyde's dashing taking down opponents before they could even react. Gypsy Moth and Man-Killer were each taking down people with a brutal simplicity, despite their disdain for each other. But Oddball was, perhaps, the star attraction, taking down hordes of the security guards at a time. Jigen had to admire that level of skill, even if seeing it possessed by an individual who'd gladly knife him in the back and then sell his organs, if he thought it worthwhile was less than comforting.

The Crimson Cowl glanced around. "I believe we've taken care of these people. Now, let's hurry up before reinforcements arrive. The sword—"

"Is staying right where it is, thank you…", came a quiet voice.

Jigen was not the only one who turned to see a pale young man dressed in a black outfit with a yin-yang sewn on it and an elaborate scarlet cape, floating in midair.

But he was the only one who saw the way the Crimson Cowl relaxed as soon as he saw him. "Dr. Strange," noted the Cowl calmly. "And—yes," he continued as three more figures came into view, "his performing troupe of trained superheroes." The Crimson Cowl chuckled. "Nice to see you. I've been expecting you."

-----

"Well, I hope you don't find us disappointing," said Hikaru. "We exist solely for you, the audience." Glancing over the crowd, it seemed that he was facing a surprisingly large convention of LARPers. The groaning bodies around them belied that of course, though Hikaru had heard those things could get surprisingly rough.

"So, who are you guys?" noted Hikaru in a bored tone of voice. "The Legion of Angry Cosplayers? The Sci-fi Fans for a Brighter Tomorrow Through Random Acts of Terrorism?"

"My followers," said an individual who Hikaru guessed had a name involving 'red' in it, "are the Masters of Evil."

"Tcch. I knew it was the Legion of Angry Cosplayers…" muttered Hikaru.

"As for me," the figure continued, "I'm Death come to claim you clad in finest crimson, magician."

"You must be an absolute riot at parties. Oh, wait—I bet you call them soirees." Hikaru looked at him for a moment. "So it's 'Crimson something', right? Something alliterative? 'Crimson Cockatoo'? 'Crimson Clubber'? 'Crimson Catamount'?"

"It could be the 'Crimson Dynamo'!" suggested Kagome.

"Ehh," said Hikaru. "He doesn't seem very dynamic…"

"I'm the Crimson Cowl," noted their opponent tiredly.

"Oh," said Kagome.

"HA! Knew it was something alliterative!" said Hikaru. "You mastermind types seem to have about four or five ideas for names that you swap around…"

"I find this conversation strange and off-putting," noted the Cowl. "So I think that I'll just head off and get the sword while my minions take care of you." He retreated slowly into the shadows.

Hikaru floated down and hurried after his opponent. "Hey! We're not done talking, pal!"

At that moment, a large muscular women stepped in front of him. "Well, well Doc—looks like you're about to go one on one with the Man-Killer."

"Don't worry, Dr. Strange!" shouted Kagome. "We'll help you!"

"No, you won't," said a man in a butterfly costume, swooping down and grabbing her.

"Kagome!" shouted Inu-Yasha.

"Hey! What did I say about saying my name!" shouted Kagome as Gypsy Moth carried her away.

Inu-Yasha began to follow after him, only to take a heavy blue ball to the back that sent him sprawling. "You know, I was hoping to meet you again. I just didn't think it would be so soon."

Inu-Yasha turned, snarling. "Clown. What're ya doin' outta prison?"

"It's Oddball now," said the juggler quietly. "And I'm something of an expert at avoiding charges."

"Yeah, well, I don't think ya can avoid me!"

Oddball merely smiled.

Miroku rushed forward. "Careful my friend, I sense—"

A fast moving blur knocked down the Devil-Slayer, followed by another blur that bored right into him.

As he slowly righted himself, Miroku's gaze came to rest on a pair of flamboyantly dressed individuals. "Prepare to face the might of SLYDE and WHIRLWIND!" stated Slyde.

"How come you always put your name first?" said Whirlwind.

Slyde glared at her sibling. "Because I'm the leader. Now let's beat the crap out of this guy."

Whirlwind nodded reluctantly. "Okay…"

Man-Killer grinned at Hikaru. "Looks like your friends are occupied." She cracked her knuckles. "Okay—simple rules. You hit me—then I hit you. Last one left standing wins."

Hikaru stared at her with an odd forcefulness. Man-Killer gave an oof, and sped towards the wall, slamming into it in an extremely painful manner. She slumped to the ground, and with a groan, passed out.

"I win," said Hikaru, heading off after the Crimson Cowl.

-----

Kagome glanced at the darkened room that Gypsy Moth had taken her off to. It wasn't a very nice place, and the fact that she couldn't move her arms only added to her discomfort.

"Wha—what are you doing to me?" she asked nervously.

"Don't say anything," said Gypsy Moth. "You'll spoil the effect."

Kagome gulped, then whimpered. Suddenly her hair began to wrap around her throat.

"I told you not to say anything!" stated Gypsy Moth, glaring at her. He paced around the room, his expression oddly frustrated. "You know, if you… ruin this for me… it won't go very well." He shook his head nervously. "You have to understand—you look like her. Very much like her. And I want to—talk to her again. So I'm going to—talk to you. And maybe, when I'm finished with you—I'll be able to—talk to her." He turned towards suddenly, pointing in an almost accusatory manner. "Do you understand me?"

Kagome nodded, guessing that to be the proper response.

"Good—good!" tittered Gypsy Moth. He smiled. "Oh, this will be good. I can feel the endorphins sluicing through my brain. Yes, yes, yes! Adrenaline! Precious adrenaline! How I've missed you!" He laughed manically.

Kagome gulped. This looked grim. Her costume was starting to strain against her like a living straightjacket.

"Oh, yes! Absolutely perfect!" chuckled Gypsy Moth, leaning over her, as if inspecting her by some unfathomable measure.

Kagome's hand shifted, touching something thin and wooden. She blinked. Her arrows! Gypsy Moth hadn't taken off her quiver! She gritted her teeth, and grabbed an arrow. She glanced at Gypsy Moth. He was giggling rapturously, inspecting a contortion of her legs Kagome found rather painful. She nodded to herself. This was going to be tough and she was only going to get one chance.

With the greatest amount of effort she could muster, Kagome jabbed forward with the arrow, resisting Gypsy Moth's telekinesis and stabbing him in the arm.

Gypsy Moth screamed, as Kagome fell limp to floor. "You—you _bitch_!" he whimpered. "I told you to do what I said! What happens now is your own fault, do you—!"

Kagome's arrow converted into a stream of light that wrapped around Gypsy Moth then threw him through the nearest window. Kagome took a couple deep breaths then stood up. She could hear the fighting and that meant it wasn't too far…

-----

Inu-Yasha dodged a red ball that exploded as soon as it hit the wall where he'd been standing.

This was followed by him taking a large yellow ball directly in the chest.

"I see your strategic ability remains as negligible as ever," noted Oddball.

"Shut up!" muttered Inu-Yasha. The yellow ball had turned into a strange powder that was making blink and sniffle a bit more than he felt comfortable with.

"Oh—witty," said Oddball monotonously.

"Ehh, what've ya got to be proud of? We took care of you easy last time!"

"At that time I was hindered by less than able allies…" noted Oddball calmly.

Inu-Yasha noted the strange electric smell and the buzzing hum just in time to see the Living Laser's gauntlets fire. As he leapt out of the way, he felt his eyes swell shut, and his nose suddenly clog up.

"I wonder if that irritant's starting to effect you?" wondered Oddball.

Inu-Yasha groaned, as he tried to regain his balance. This wasn't turning out the way he thought it would.

-----

Hikaru walked forward to the display case.

Someone had it seemed, broken off the end of the sword.

"The blade itself was useless to me," came the Cowl's voice. "So I figured—why be encumbered by so much excess weight?"

Hikaru glanced around. All right, so he had no idea where the Crimson Cowl was. Admittedly that was odd—he should at least have gotten some sense of his aura by now, but it was no reason to panic—just follow the sound of his voice…

"Personally, I think it's a shame to destroy a museum quality piece, but that's the price of business sometimes…"

"Naturally," said Hikaru, stepping slightly to the right.

A rain of metal darts buried themselves in the wall beside him.

The Cowl chuckled. "I see you've had some training in blind-fighting."

Hikaru glanced around nervously. "Fighting by sound and vibration were among the least of what I learned from my kindly sadistic master…"

"Excellent," said the Cowl. "Than you will be ready for this!" Hikaru quickly blocked a flurry of punches, and leapt backwards.

"Impressive," noted the Cowl. "I don't know if I could have handled that."

Hikaru did his best to ignore the fact that his arms felt like he'd tried to tackle a brick wall after first gingerly smacking them against a steel bar a few times as a warm up. "Well, I just might give you a chance," he said brightly, and then sent a blast of arcane fire the Cowl's way.

The bolt slid off a glowing sphere that appeared around the Cowl. Hikaru stared in amazement.

"What's the matter, Gosunkugi?" said the Cowl. "Things not going as you planned?"

"How…?" asked Hikaru.

"How what?" noted the Cowl calmly in that smug tone that Hikaru was really starting to hate. "How is it I know your name? How is it that the hypnotic blocks you've put up to hide your identity don't work? How is it I give off no aura? How is it I can block your attacks? How can I pull off this ensemble? Please specify."

Hikaru gulped. All right, so he was facing an opponent who apparently knew more about him than he did. He could get out of it. Probably. In a manner that didn't involve dying. Hopefully. "Answer in any order you find preferable…"

The Crimson Cowl hit him suddenly with a crescent kick that sent Hikaru sprawling to the ground. "Thank you, I will." He paced around the groaning Hikaru. "My immunity to your various hypnotic tricks you use to guard both your identity and your person are due to the psionic inhibitors I had built into my costume. These are also what keep you from sensing my aura." He gave a shrug. "Quite a handy addition, all things considered. I can block your powers, because magic is ultimately energy, and energy can be neutralized by opposing energy." He walked closer to Hikaru. "I know your name because I was informed of it, by someone who's been spying on you for some time now. And I can pull off this outfit because of my innate elegance." He raised his fist. "So do those answers satisfy your curiosity?"

Hikaru shot up, his hand shimmering, and struck the Cowl in the chest. The supervillain toppled to the floor several feet away. "Oh, very much so," said Hikaru. "Among other things I learnt you really love the sound of your own voice."

The Crimson Cowl stood up and sent a twirling blade at Hikaru. Hikaru raised his hand, and the blade shattered in front of it. "Also, you clearly know less about me than you think, or you'd have realized that your not the only guy in town with a force field trick."

"It seems we are at something of an impasse," noted the Cowl. "Both of us cannot use our most potent weapons on each other. This warrants a less—cerebral approach."

Hikaru blinked. "You know, I'm getting a definite impression here—a neglected childhood, filled with many, many books with characters declaiming endlessly."

"Do not lecture me on my childhood, Gosunkugi," replied the Crimson Cowl curtly. "I can say with the utmost assurance that you don't have the slightest idea of what you're talking about." He glanced around the room, quietly. "It seems we are going to have to solve this using—how did you put it—ah, yes, the old fashioned way'."

Hikaru sighed. "You and I are going to beat the ever-living crap out of each other, through the time-honored tradition involving fists, feet, and objects of sufficient size we pick up. Am I right?"

The Crimson Cowl gave a decided click of his tongue. "You have such a dry, discouraged way of describing everything. It makes it quite frustrating to talk to you."

The Cowl chuckled. "You're trying to distract me. It won't work."

A slight smile touched Hikaru's face. "Actually, it already has…" With that he suddenly charged forward, striking the Cowl in the chest and eyes.

Actual magicians are generally in much better shape than is popularly believed, as allowing oneself to get out of shape in any profession that involves hideous beings of extraordinary strength is unwise. Most wizards have some level of physical conditioning and martial arts training. However, wizards do not practice martial arts with any idea of gaining status from them. They do not enter tournaments and tend to call their moves things like 'a good way to break an opponent's knee', or 'will probably cause massive contusions'. Wizards practice martial arts with the sole purpose of persuading non-magicians not to attack magicians, possibly to the extent of killing them if necessary. Thus Hikaru's blow was steady and sure, delivered with strength and power, and generally certain leave the average opponent a blind wincing bag screaming on the ground—or rather trying to scream as their lungs attempted to resupply them with air.

His hands hit solid constructs of metal and plastic.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru.

"Indeed," said the Crimson Cowl, countering with a swiping left hook. "You didn't think I'd leave my vitals unguarded, did you?"

-----

Miroku gasped as Slyde's fists collided with his rib cage. "Give it up," stated Slyde. "The combination of Whirlwind's air blasts and my friction reduction abilities allow me to reach speeds that are unbeatable!"

Miroku's staff slammed into her with surprisingly little effect, as the supervillain twisted under the blow, and landed a kick in Miroku's stomach. "Forget it, moron. I'm an expert at rolling with the punches. With no friction, your blows just do not find enough resistance to do much."

Whirlwind glanced up. "Slyde, all this spinning is making me naseous…"

Slyde looked at Miroku confidentally. "You can stop now, Whirlwind." She smiled. "I don't think there's much need to keep going."

Miroku slowly recovered his footing, and raised his hand to his gauntlet. It appeared that he had no choice. If he did not do this, he might die. " All right you two," Miroku began, "if you do not surrender, I shall unleash a mighty power that I keep hidden within me by a simple length of cloth…"

Slyde immediately shrieked and covered her eyes. "Ahh! My delicate young eyes are not ready for this sight. I'm a frail, unblemished virgin."

Miroku blinked. "I'll just—take off my gauntlet…"

Slyde snorted. "So that's what you call it. My god, the ego of some people…"

Miroku took off his gauntlet and raised his hand.

"That's it!" said Whirlwind in disbelief.

Slyde uncovered her eyes and blinked. "Wow, I was suspecting something more—"

At that moment Miroku's wind tunnel sent her and Whirlwind rushing forward. Miroku covered his hand in time to send the Golden Pair hurtling towards the wall, instead of their doom.

Thanks to her friction reducing powers, Slyde hit the wall before Whirlwind, and with greater impact. She was not thankful for this fact, though Miroku was.

-----

Inu-Yasha felt his way along the wall as quickly as he could, the shots of Oddball and the Living Laser streaking past him. He knew what he had to do. He just hoped he had the time to do it…

Jigen glanced at Oddball. "Fast bugger, ain't he?"

Oddball sighed. "You have no idea."

Jigen smiled. "He seems to have gotten himself backed into a corner…"

Inu-Yasha felt the corner of the walls, and smiled, then turned around. "All right, punks—now we get serious…"

The Living Laser and Oddball fired at him.

Inu-Yasha drew Tetsaiga, and deflected their shots. "That all ya got…" he said, quietly.

"No," answered Oddball.

The Living Laser blinked. "Umm, Oddball…"

An arrow buried itself in the ground, and exploded.

"Foolish villains! Face the power of—HELLCAT!" announced Kagome. She glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Hey! Is that the Clown? From the Circus of Crime?"

Inu-Yasha gave a slow, pained nod. "He's callin' himself 'Oddball' now."

-----

Hikaru did a mental review of his situation.

He was fighting an opponent who was clearly in superior physical condition, who apparently knew all of his tricks, and was ready for them. This put him on the defensive, which meant that he was basically dodging whatever the Cowl threw at him.

A red-gloved fist collided with his ribs. Hikaru twisted suddenly to avoid the next blow.

Okay. _Mostly_ dodging what the Cowl threw at him.

"Tell me, Gosunkugi, how long before you pass out from pain and exhaustion?" asked the Crimson Cowl in tones of utmost concern.

"Ha!" said Hikaru, as he ducked under the Cowl's next blow. "Shows what you know! Like all practitioners of the Art, I gain mastery of the universe, first through mastery of the self, followed by mastery of my personal space, and completed by mastery of the general area surrounding me…"

The Crimson Cowl gave a slightly offended sigh. "Tell me, do you honestly think that your rambling is that fascinating…?"

Hikaru did a quick check of his surroundings. "No. More distracting and irritating. The point is, I can perform acts of surprising endurance and fortitude, despite my delicate frame, simply by ignoring the irrational demands of my body regarding things like pain and overexertion."

The Crimson Cowl lashed out with a palm heel strike that Hikaru was quite overjoyed to have miss. "Interesting," he noted calmly. "But it is still not going to help you against me..."

"Well, that's why I also was trained to quickly note my surroundings and create comprehensive strategies based on them." Hikaru darted to the side and picked up an antique chair. "Now face my Queen Anne's Chair—OF JUSTICE!"

The Crimson Cowl went slightly rigid, allowing the chair to break upon him easily. "You do realize I've also had extensive combat training, don't you?"

Hikaru fidgeted awkwardly, holding a chair leg in each hand almost embarrassedly. "Heh. Guess I did forget that…"

The Cowl was already preparing a killing blow. "Well, Gosunkugi, mistakes are often fat—"

What remained of the chair's seat was kicked into the Cowl's legs by a deft bit of footwork on Hikaru's part. The Crimson Cowl gave a yelp of pain as he fell face forward into another kick that sent him tumbling backwards.

"Or it could be part of that whole 'comprehensive strategy' thing I mentioned earlier," noted Hikaru. "Take your pick."

The Crimson Cowl tried to rise, weakly. "But—"

"If you're wondering how I knew to aim for the legs, you moved too swiftly and unencumbered for your limbs to be armored as well. 'Quickly note my environment' if you remember." Hikaru smiled darkly. "Now, you're badly off-balance. If only I had some means of pressing my advantage…" He glanced at the chair legs. "Why, I'm holding a blunt object in each hand! How convenient!" He charged forward. "Now then, what was that you asked me about pain and passing out?"

-----

Inu-Yasha and Kagome glanced around, nervously. "Okay—where'd they go…?" muttered Inu-Yasha.

"How should I know?" said Kagome. "It was your epic struggle." She thought it over. "Couldn't you just—you know—sniff them out?"

"First, my nose is still filled with gunk, second, I only get a general location…"

A laser shot rang out.

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Okay, think I found 'em." He charged forward, sword drawn, and slashed at the older supervillain. A bright shield of light formed around the Living Laser and deflected his blow. "Wha—?"

"A field of highly condensed light rays," noted Jigen scholarly. "Surprisingly durable, I think you'll find…"

"You think this'll stop me for long…" snarled Inu-Yasha.

"Actually, he's just the decoy," noted Oddball.

Inu-Yasha turned to see Oddball standing behind Kagome with a rather unpleasant looking orange ball pointed right at her head. "Now, then," the juggler continued, "don't try anything or I will blow this pretty lady's head right off." Oddball's mouth twitched into a dry frown. "And I won't make a production out of it. I'll just do it. Like that." He snapped his fingers.

"You let her go…" growled Inu-Yasha.

"Keep talking like that, and I will kill her," said Oddball flatly. "You really should follow your lady friend's example. She's not going to try anything crazy. She knows I'd leave her corpse twitching here if she did."

Kagome's hand swiftly backed away from her quiver.

Oddball gave a mordant chuckle. "Wise girl. Now, here's what we're going to do. First, you, dog boy, are going to throw away your sword…"

Inu-Yasha looked at Jigen. "This make you feel good? Beatin' me by threatin' a girl?"

"It doesn't make me feel anything," said Jigen. "I'm not like Oddball over there—I'm not vicious—just practical. I like living, and I like being free. Now do as he says."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Tetsaiga. He'd never thought he'd see the day he'd wish he was fighting demons. Not only had humanity spent the last few centuries he'd missed closing the power gap (at least on a case by case basis) but they were a lot more… insidious than demons. Demons were straightforward. They hurt you and they liked it. They never told you in great detail things they knew they weren't going to do because you were going to be reasonable, oh, yes, you were. They never tried to make it seem like they were somehow doing you a favor.

Oddball coughed. "You are going to throw that sword away, aren't—"

Miroku's staff collided firmly with Oddball's head. He pitched forward, releasing Kagome, who rushed towards Inu-Yasha and drew her bow on the Living Laser.

"I don't think he's going to be doing anything you two want," noted Miroku.

Oddball glanced up at Jigen. "Laser…?"

Jigen nodded. "No use staying around where we aren't wanted…" He raised a laser gauntlet upwards. A brilliant flare of light shot out, blinding the trio momentarily. When they cleared their eyes, the two Masters of Evil were gone.

-----

"I love the feel of solid oak," noted Hikaru, pressing forward against his adversary's defense. The Crimson Cowl was doing his level best to block Hikaru's impromptu clubs, but the effort was clearly costing him.

"That's walnut," the supervillain corrected weakly.

"Nice to know," said Hikaru cheerily. "Glad to see your keeping your spirits up. You're handling yourself quite well for a man with a broken wrist."

"My wrist isn't…"

Hikaru twirled forward, both chair legs striking the Crimson Cowl's right wrist, producing an unpleasant crack. The Cowl gave a muffled yell as he tumbled to the side. Hikaru glanced at his opponent sympathetically. "You know, you can just give up, and hand over the shard. Otherwise it will be a matter of me searching your unconscious body, and I don't want to do that. It's entering a creepy realm that I want to avoid…"

The Crimson Cowl glanced up at Hikaru, annoyed. "You know, Gosunkugi, when I said we had to do this the 'old-fashioned way, I was lying." He raised his left arm, a dart striking Hikaru even as he prepared to defend himself. "I had another weapon in case of emergencies. And you have no idea how it sorrows me to use it."

Hikaru shuddered slightly, then gave a defiant laugh. "Ha! Is that your best? Did you actually think a tranquilizer dart can take me out?"

A second dart struck him in the chest. Hikaru blinked, and then began to sway unsteadily. "Two should do it…"

Two more darts struck him. He glanced at the Crimson Cowl weakly. "Four is just overkill," he muttered in a slurred voice before collapsing.

The Crimson Cowl took a deep breath. "Now then, Gosunkugi, I believe this little contest is over."

"Mmmblefgh," murmured Hikaru.

"No rematch," replied the Cowl. "I plan on making very sure of that…"

Hikaru glanced around desperately, trying to remain conscious. He wasn't in any state to work any advanced spells at the moment, a but few simple magicks might work…

The Cowl pulled a long thin stiletto from his sleeve, and approached Hikaru slowly. "Now then, I would very much like to know, Gosunkugi, if the things I'm going to do to you can be felt when anaesthetized, so please, do your best to tell me…" He strode forward majestically, like an honored judge entering a court.

The headboard from the Queen Anne's chair struck him in the back, tripping him.

Hikaru chuckled.

"You know, Gosunkugi," seethed the Cowl, "that was a cheap trick."

"Mmmbl-mmble mmlpfgh."

"I highly doubt you've even met my mother," grumbled the Cowl. He drew another stiletto. "Forget the torture, I'm just going to make this quick."

"Freeze, Cowl!"

The Crimson Cowl turned and glanced at Hikaru's gathered allies. "Oh, can't I just kill him and get it over with? Must I face these eternal interruptions?"

Kagome gave a heroic laugh. "When will you villains learn? The price of evil is meanness!"

The Cowl blinked. "That didn't make any sense at all." He sighed. "Look, I'd love to stay here and iron this out with you, but the truth is, I have a flight to catch." He struck a button on his belt. A rather compact helicopter smashed through the ceiling. The Crimson Cowl grabbed onto the leg and hoisted himself aboard. "So long then. I won't say it's been pleasant, largely because it hasn't."

Inu-Yasha rushed forward as the helicopter took off. "Hey! Come back here!"

Kagome glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Umm, Inu-Yasha—I think Hikaru's hurt. We should get him out of here…"

"But the Cowl…!"

Kagome frowned.

Inu-Yasha grumbled, and lifted up the barely conscious sorcerer.

"Mmblftz…" muttered Hikaru darkly as his form was jostled out the door.

Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome irritatedly. "He never stops whinin' does he?"

Miroku took a weary breath. "Oh, he does sleep occasionally…"

"Mmmmblmmm…" mumbled Hikaru in a very annoyed tone.

"My apologies sir," said Miroku. "I thought you couldn't make out words."

The group walked on in silence for a while. "It's a shame the villains all got away," noted Kagome as they reached the street.

Miroku chuckled. "Oh, they didn't _all_ get away…" He gestured upwards.

Slyde and Whirlwind were hanging upside-down from a streetlight.

"I swear, you've made a grave error!" shouted Slyde. "As soon as I figure out how to get out of this without breaking my neck, you will pay!"

"The blood is rushing to my head," muttered Whirlwind.

"Quiet, bro," snapped Slyde.

-----

"How could you leave them behind?" Man-Killer asked angrily. "I mean—they were on our side! We're supposed to look out for each other."

"Within reason," replied the Cowl sipping a martini. Machinesmith was massaging his wrist gingerly. Despite his injuries, he seemed fairly composed—even blasé.

Most of the remaining group was in pretty miserable condition. Oddball and Jigen both seemed worn and tired. Gypsy Moth was covered in broken glass and blood, and absolutely refused to tell how that had happened. And Man-Killer's head still felt like it had been slammed into a brick wall, largely because it had.

"Look—what happens if we keep leaving men behind?" asked Man-Killer.

"We get more," replied the Crimson Cowl. "As the Living Laser put it so eloquently, in this business there are only temporary partnerships, that get dissolved." He glanced at Machinesmith. "Not so hard! It's still tender!" He sipped his drink, and looked back at Man-Killer. "In all truth, Man-Killer, I would think more about how poorly I performed if I were you…"

The muscle-bound villainess gulped. "Are you—going to kill me?"

The Cowl sighed. "If I killed people for failing, I'd have to kill myself first. And if I killed them for holding different opinions, I might as well recruit robots."

"I could whip some up for you, sir…" began Machinesmith.

"It was a rhetorical statement," said the Cowl tiredly. He glanced back at Man-Killer. "No, I'm not going to kill you. It'd be pointless. And while I understand your concern, I'd like to point out that this mission was in many ways successful. We got what we were supposed to get, and if our performance against Dr. Strange and his cronies was subpar—well, at least it wasn't a total embarrassment."

"I'm out," announced Jigen suddenly.

"What was that?" said the Cowl.

"I'm out," he repeated. "I don't know what you're planning, but I don't like it. You were clearly expecting those superheroes, but you didn't say a word of it to us. You had us do all that work, scoping the place out, cutting off the communications, taking down the guards—but you never even mentioned who'd come calling. I've had a lot of experience in this business, and bosses like that—clever or not—are always trouble. I'm leaving, and anyone with any sense will come with me…" He glanced at Gypsy Moth and Man-Killer pointedly.

They glanced away.

"That's your feeling on the subject?" asked the Crimson Cowl calmly. "Nothing I can say can change your mind?"

"Precisely." Jigen stood up, and headed for the door.

The Cowl sipped his drink, then idly waved his right hand.

The blade took Jigen in the throat.

"Rebellion, and desertion, on the other hand, I do kill for." The Cowl gave a distracted nod. "One has to you know, or discipline vanishes. Well done, Knight."

An eerily pale girl hovered in, followed by two slightly more normal figures—a young woman and a younger boy, both wearing strange body armor. The woman carried a large boomerang, the boy a sickle and chain. Both had eyes that glowed a dull purple, and moved with an oddly stiff gait.

"I'd like you to meet the other three Masters of Evil," said the Crimson Cowl cheerily. "Moonstone, Black Knight, and Boomerang. I apologize for their inability to help us tonight, but they've been abroad recovering certain—items of value." He glanced at the pale young girl. "How did it go, Moonstone?"

The girl threw a small bag on the table. "All items were retrieved."

The Crimson Cowl opened up the bag, and emptied it out on the table before him. A sceptre, a ring, a necklace, and a helmet fell before him. "Excellent," he said quietly. He glanced at Machinesmith. "I'd like you to take care of the Laser's body. Also take his gauntlets, and see if you can come up with a more compact system for me to use. I'd like a weapon that potent." He glanced up at Oddball. "We'll be needing at least one more member. Ideally three, but that may take too long." He shook his head. "No four—you killed two. Almost forgot that in the excitement."

Oddball gave a slight bow. "I'll do my best, sir." He turned to the others, and gestured to the door. "I believe it's time to step out."

Gypsy Moth and Man-Killer nodded and followed him out. "You know," began Man-Killer, "I've got an old friend who's doing a supervillain thing. Maybe she'll be interested."

Gypsy Moth shrugged. "And I've got an acquaintance at my therapy meetings who I can tolerate…"

Only the Cowl and his three earlier associates remained in the room. Moonstone glanced at him. "I wish to say, I do not approve of this plan."

The Crimson Cowl flexed his wrist and opened a small wooden box. "Your statement is noted," he said, taking out a cigar.

"Do not dismiss what I am saying so lightly," said Moonstone. "I do not believe you are following the Master's wishes."

The Cowl picked up a small pair of scissors and cut the end off the cigar. "Moonstone—who did the Master leave in charge?"

"You," replied Moonstone, with no hesitation.

"Exactly," said the Crimson Cowl. "I believe you should trust his judgement." The Cowl lit his cigar and took a long contented puff. "I'll get his little jewel shards for him," he said calmly. His voice took on a darker note. "You know what's at stake for me. I have to."

-----

Hikaru awoke for the second time to the sight of rainbows and unicorns.

It was slightly less disconcerting. He rose uncertainly.

"You're up!" said a familiar chirpy voice.

"How long was I out?" asked Hikaru, as his vision cleared. Kagome, Miroku and Inu-Yasha were staring at him concernedly.

"Three hours," replied Miroku.

"Ah," said Hikaru. "Well, I'd better get going."

"What?" said Kagome.

"I just convinced my body to do a lot of healing very rapidly, following convincing it to pretend to be that of an Olympic grade athlete. I've got about enough energy at the moment to drag myself to my own bed, and I intend to use it."

Kagome coughed. "I was just wondering if we could—figure out what we're going to do about the Masters of Evil…"

Hikaru turned. "Do? We're not going to do anything. I wanted to see what would happen if I fought a formidable supervillain, and what happened was I lost."

"That's not true!" said Kagome ardently.

"Oh, really!" shot out Hikaru. "Let's see—I got beaten up, and drugged, most of the bad guys got away, AND they got what they were after. You're right! That's a roaring success story."

"They didn't kill you," said Kagome quietly. "That's what they really wanted. You dead. And they didn't get it." She smiled. "And that means you can always beat them next time."

Hikaru was silent for a moment. And then he chuckled. "You might be right. Or I might have a concussion. Either way what you're saying seems strangely sensible." He shook his head. "I'll see you guys."

He left the room.

Miroku smiled at Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "So—guess I'm staying here tonight…"

Kagome frowned and pointed to the door. "Out."

"Damn!" came Hikaru's voice, wafting up the stairway.

-----

As Hikaru made his way home, he looked at the city, and wondered. What other threats might be out there on this night?

-----

On a dark street corner, the Trapster and Excel pushed a middle-aged prostitute onto the street.

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the Trapster triumphantly. "Flee harlot! This street corner is now the property of—THE FRIGHTFUL FOUR!"

"That's right!" laughed Excel. "It belongs to us! Like Menchi! And Lord Wizard's stamp collection!"

"Hmmph," muttered the woman, walking off irritatedly. "Punks."

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Flee, yes, flee, weakling! You are not able to defeat us!" laughed Jinnai triumphantly. Project Delta was already an unimagined success. His heart swelled with triumph. "Excel, it is clear that we are now on the path of VICTORY!"

"Yes!" cried Excel. "We will conquer this city one street corner at a time! Today this street corner, tomorrow—that other street corner!"

"Indeed!" shouted Jinnai. "And perhaps in a week, assuming favorable circumstances—a city block!"

"And then maybe—a child's lemonade stand!" shouted Excel.

"And from there we shall conquer—a mini-mall!"

"Oh, Lord Trapster!" squealed Excel. "Your visions of our glorious future successes fill my heart with an arrogant euphoria."

Jinnai put an arm around her shoulder. "As well it should, child! We have taken yet another step on the road called 'Destiny' to the place called Glory, in the land of—things." He coughed, then glanced around. "Yes, with you three—" He blinked. "Umm, we're missing a member…"

Excel blinked in alarm. "Did Medusa-chan drop unconscious again?"

Medusa glanced up from her respirator. "No, senior, I'm right here, though I'm happy for your concern…"

"But that means…" Excel's eyes widened in horror. "NOOOOOOOO! Do not tell me our glorious leader and font of eternal inspiration the Wizard has fallen!" She fell sobbing to the ground. "Who? Who could have done such a hideous thing? Who could have destroyed the Wizard? Destroyed the very epitome of evil? Who?"

"Whoever did it," said Jinnai, "—and I personally suspect Mizuhara—"

"Damn the bastard!" screamed Excel.

"—it will not go unavenged!" Jinnai struck a pose. "I, the Trapster, swear to bring the Wizard's slayer to the sticky hand of justice!"

Excel gave a shriek that would have caused most people's eardrums to burst. (Excel and Jinnai, being long accustomed to the such shrill sounds, were naturally immune to this effect.) "Oh Lord Trapster! Your persevering malignant nature is almost as great an inspiration as Lord Wizard!" She stood up and rushed to his side. "I will be by your side as you pursue this mad vengeance! If you will be the sword of revenge, I will be the—other sword of revenge!"

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Jinnai. "Nothing shall stand against us—and Medusa, assuming she also desires revenge."

"Thank you, Lord Trapster," replied Medsua softly. "I will sit this one out."

"No biggie!" cried Jinnai. "Excel, simultaneous sinister laughter on three. One—two—three—"

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the two supervillains in tandem. " HAHAHA—"

"Did I miss something?" asked the Wizard tiredly, sipping a drink.

Jinnai and Excel stopped midchortle. "Umm, Lord Wizard," began Excel. "What happened?"

The Wizard raised his drink. "I bought a Frappachino. I find them quite tasty." He returned to sipping his drink.

Jinnai managed a dazed nod. "I see. Very good. Join us in our strident laughter."

"How about I wave my fist in scorn?" asked the Wizard quietly.

"That'll do!" noted Jinnai.

He and Excel resumed their manic laughter.

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is our street corner!" shouted Jinnai. "Our conquest of it has been complete!"

"Yes! This street corner is our street corner!" exclaimed Excel. "The best street corner! Much better than that street corner over there!"

"Damn straight!" yelled Jinnai. "It is our own, our native street corner! We will die for the honor of street corner!"

"Or preferably cause someone else to!" noted Excel.

"Naturally!" replied Jinnai.

"There they are, Tanaka! Those are the lousy jerks who shoved me off my corner."

The prostitute they'd shoved off had come back with an angry looking gentleman wearing a garish suit. The apparent Tanaka glared at them. "Are you punks trying to muscle in on my turf?" Tanaka brought out a rather menacing looking firearm.

Jinnai blinked. "Of course not, sir, we were just—RUN FOR IT!"

The Frightful Four darted off.

Excel glanced at Jinnai. "Pardon me, Lord Trapster, but I thought we were going to defend our street corner to the death…"

Jinnai gave a furtive shrug. "Well, I thought it over, and I said to myself—it's a big city. We can get another street corner. One in a better neighborhood."

Excel nodded. "Your reasoning is flawless as always, sir."

"Of course it is!" said Jinnai. "I'm an evil genius!"

-----

Probably nothing, Hikaru decided. In fact, almost certainly nothing.

--Next Chapter--

CRIMSON COWL: Greeting, readers! Now I'm on the scene, and you're probably wondering what devious plot I have next as I continue my newfound rivalry with Dr. Strange. Well, you're going to have to keep wondering, because I'm not in next chapter. Instead, another boring hero is introduced in "Never Met a Girl Like You Before"! That's next chapter, people! Once again—I'm not in it.

MIROKU: I thought you said this was my turn…

HIKARU: What was I supposed to do, Miroku? He had a doomsday device…

------

Author's Notes:

I still don't own any of these characters, a situation that will most likely continue for the indefinite future, and thus continue to say to the various creators and owners—don't sue. Please.

I'm well aware that I greatly altered the origins and natures of a couple of the Masters, but—this ain't the normal universe, in either direction. Also, I'd detail exactly who created each of the Masters of Evil, but that would give away a lot things you, the reader, are supposed to guess at. I will say however, that any resemblance between Oddball and a certain pretty boy **Gundam Wing** pilot who seems like a warmed over Hiro Yui with a gimmick is naturally, a total coincidence. Honestly. Would I lie to you?

The song the Crimson Cowl sings is "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads. Great song.

And I'm sorry that this took such a long time to get finished. I'd say the next one would be done quicker, but there's a good chance I'd be lying.


	5. Never Met a Girl Like You Before

She'd been running so long, she'd forgotten what it was like to be still—if she'd ever known in the first place. She was tired—her feet were sore—and she needed to eat—but she couldn't stop. They would catch her if she stopped. She knew that.

Even if she didn't know who they were.

-----

"And I say," noted Hikaru, "the 'brain in a tank method' of immortality is severely lacking in appeal."

"Oh come on!" said Inu-Yasha. "Ya get ta live forever. That's a hell of a better deal than ya mortals usually get!"

"Ahh, yes, an eternity as an immobile organ that has to be hooked up to machines in order to use even rudimentary versions of the senses," said Hikaru dryly. "Sounds marvelous on reflection. Sign me up immediately."

Inu-Yasha crossed his arms. "Well, you don't have to be so sarcastic…"

The waitress brought them their order. "That sounds like my uncle," she noted. "They've got him hooked up to ten different machines in order to live."

"How's he holding up?" said Hikaru.

"Aside from trying to smother himself with his pillow, not bad," she stated.

Hikaru sipped his coffee. "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but the dry spell is getting to me." He gave his head a rueful shake.

Inu-Yasha glanced at him. "When's the next—?"

"Still three days, Inu-Yasha," sighed Hikaru. "Just like the last time you asked."

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself.

Hikaru glanced at Miroku. "Still no word on the Masters of Evil?"

"They're lying low," replied Miroku. "However, I have found something out about the Crimson Cowl."

Hikaru's eyes perked up, his interest obvious. "What?"

"He has no criminal record. Nor does he even have an extensive reputation in the criminal underworld. On the contrary, he seems to have popped up out of the blue, and begun gathering supervillains around him."

"So in fact, what you've discovered is nothing," muttered Hikaru snarkily.

"Some kinds of nothing are a form of something," replied Miroku. "An enigmatic supervillain arriving to gather Shinken shards at precisely this time is highly suspicious, you'll agree…"

"You're thinking it's that Naraku fellow," said Hikaru. "I don't think that works. Someone as powerful as that guy is—if even half of what you say is true—wouldn't waste time trading fisticuffs with me—not if he had the advantage. He'd just kill me and be done with it." Hikaru took a very long swallow of coffee. "And then there were all the gizmos. Demons and technology generally don't mix. They really lack the patience to learn how to program a VCR, much less outfit themselves with the latest in combat equipment."

"So you're saying there's no connection," sighed Miroku.

"I'm saying we don't know enough to be sure about anything," said Hikaru. "And definitely not enough to follow theories that may send us after red herrings because we want them to be true."

Miroku glanced at Kagome. "What about you, Kagome? What do you think?"

Kagome fixed Hikaru with an icy stare. "I think the Kid Commandos is a brilliant name, no matter what certain people think about it."

"Not having that conversation, Kagome," said Hikaru in a singsong voice. "Just not going to happen."

Kagome mumbled something that sounded like her equivalent to swear words.

"Pardon me," came a voice, "do you have some salt?"

Hikaru groaned. "Yes." He picked up the shaker.

"Hey, I know you!"

Hikaru turned. Sayuri stood there. He gulped. Sayuri was a classmate who'd seen him as Dr. Strange, and despite the Crimson Cowl's revelation that Hikaru was subconsciously using some sort of hypnosis to protect his identity, he was still worried about it not taking.

"You're Hikaru Gosunkugi! The weirdest kid in school! And I was—talking to you!" Sayuri's eyes widened in horror. "And—this—this must be—your infamous manga club! A collection of the most socially undesirable freaks in Tokyo! And I've been—exposed!" Her face blanched. "Okay, Sayuri—take a deep breath, and back away slowly…"

"Sorry for disturbing your placid existence," muttered Hikaru.

Sayuri burst out screaming and ran from the café.

"You forgot your salt, miss…" shouted Kagome after her.

Hikaru slouched back in his seat. "I don't know what's more depressing—the fact that I've saved her life several times, or the fact that since I became a superhero, my reputation has declined—something I didn't even think was possible."

"Cheer up, Hikaru!" said Kagome. "We may have our different opinions about my brilliant ideas for names, but I would never insult you the way she just did." She gave a cheerful nod. "I'm much too scared of you."

"Likewise," noted Miroku.

"I'm more kinda nervous 'bout ya, myself," said Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru sighed. "Thanks for the sentiments." He grimaced. "The concept that I move you to absolute terror is such a joy to me that I am lost for words."

A pair of policewomen entered.

"And I'm telling you, Kei, he was checking me out."

"He's gay, Yuri. He doesn't check women out, except maybe every now and then for makeup tips."

"Hmmph," muttered Yuri.

The pair sat down at the counter. The waitress glanced at them. "Let me guess—two donuts."

Yuri glared at her. "That is a rude and unfounded stereotype. I'd like a garden salad, with a light vinaigrette dressing."

Kei smiled. "I'd like a donut." Yuri's glare shifted to her. "What?" said Kei defensively. "I like donuts."

The pairs' walkie-talkie blared on. "Attention all units. We have reports of a monster rampage in Kanda district. Repeat—a monster rampage in…"

Yuri blinked. "Sounds serious."

"Probably a kook or a crank," said Kei. "And if it isn't, we're just going to go through the usual 'monster call' routine."

"There's a usual routine?" asked the waitress.

"Yep," said Kei. "We go in and wind up firing at the usually bulletproof monster. When we run out of bullets, Yuri usually winds up throwing her gun at it, apparently under the impression that if a large number of accurate speedy projectiles don't do the job, one clumsily thrown slow projectile will."

"I might luck out," grumbled Yuri.

"At that point, either a superhero, or a SWAT team comes to save our sorry asses." Kei shook her head. "So, I'm really in no hurry to go there."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru. "Interested?"

Hikaru stood up. "Are you kidding? Given my options right now, the only reason I didn't bolt out the door is I want to finish my coffee."

-----

She fell to the ground, her knees giving out beneath her. Her breath came in unsteady gasps—she felt miserable. She glanced at a small puddle. The face that stared back at her was a mask of desperation and exhaustion. Her eyes gazed at her reflection with the fury of a frantic animal.

A slight despairing moan escaped her lips, despite her best efforts to hold it back. Her hands reached out to the puddle on pure, base need, and splashed some water on her face. A feeling of relief came over her. Her tongue darted out, and licked some of the moisture off her cheeks.

That was when she heard the clatter of footsteps. They were coming.

She stood up and ran, determined to use what energy remained to her to get as far away as possible. As she ran, she whispered a prayer to gods whose names she could no longer recall. _Send help, please I beg you_!

-----

Hikaru glanced around the city neighborhood in distaste. "Oh, come on! This is a monster rampage? Some battered garbage cans! A few over-turned cars!" He shook his head. "Absolutely nothing that can't be explained by rowdy teenagers!" He raised his fist. "This is the result of overly-specialized hotlines! The average citizen is affected by a monster rampage perhaps once every seven years, and then only peripherally. But due to media saturation, everyone is convinced they're an imminent threat, and so we get a hotline that is promptly abused by elderly women to put the fear of God into teenagers who play their music too loud…"

Kagome blinked. "So you want there to be a monster attack?"

Hikaru gave a dismissive wave. "Oh, I don't know what I want. Let's go—it's clear we're not needed here."

There was a low rumble, the sound of many bricks smashing to the ground. Hikaru turned. "On second thought, our presence is clearly necessary."

The four ran towards the din. A dark, ragged figure was running towards them. "A-after me!" it shouted nervously. "P-please help!" Hikaru gestured for the others to stop, and then was nearly bowled over by the figure as it ran towards him, and more or less collapsed on him.

The figure was, Hikaru noted rather awkwardly, a girl.

Her skin was a dusky brown—her hair was a very dark shade of black. She was slender, but the feel of the muscles under the skin suggested she lacked nothing for strength. She seemed very faint at the moment—her eyes were fluttering weakly, and her head was tossing as if she was in a state of delirium.

She was quite possibly the most beautiful woman that Hikaru had ever seen.

He blinked. _Second_ most beautiful. Definitely second.

He had no idea where that 'most beautiful' impulse had come from.

"Umm—miss…?" Hikaru cleared his throat. "Miss? What's wrong? Miss?"

She shook her head as if trying to clear it, and opened her eyes. Hikaru noted with some surprise that they were green. They seemed unfocused—he had the distinct impression she couldn't actually make his face out right now. That was probably a good thing.

"T-they're after me. Need—shelter. Please help…"

"Don't worry," Hikaru murmured in tones he hoped were comforting, but were probably just distressing and awkward. "You're among friends now, miss…" Hikaru blinked. "Umm, what's your name? If you don't mind—this is starting to get awkward…"

Her head shot up nervously. "N-name…?" She blinked as if trying to recall it. "N-Nadia. I—" An odd expression came over her face. "Why are there hands on my breasts?"

Hikaru gulped. He _had_ been planning on moving those it had just—slipped his mind. As he lowered his hands, glancing around awkwardly, Nadia did him the great disservice of going limp as a rag doll. "Umm, a little help here?"

Miroku stepped forward. "Of course, sir, I'll just—"

"Step right back and let Kagome help," stated Hikaru evenly. Kagome nodded, rushed forward and took Nadia's left side. "There's a bench over there…" she noted. Hikaru nodded. They walked the unconscious girl over to it, and sat her down. Kagome began to look Nadia over as Hikaru glanced at Inu-Yasha and Miroku. "All right," he began, "it seems our 'monster'—which might be plural—is after Miss Nadia. We don't know why—"

"Umm, Dr. Strange…?" asked Kagome quietly.

"Where is the damn thing…?" muttered Inu-Yasha. "It smashed up a wall, and then—nothin'."

Miroku shrugged. "Maybe we spooked it."

"Or maybe it's playing a waiting game…" said Hikaru bleakly.

"Umm, Dr. Strange…?" asked Kagome quietly.

"Maybe I could check my sources," said Miroku. "A homeless gaijin with her… striking appearance would leave a pretty clear trail…"

"That's as much a problem as it is a help," noted Hikaru.

"Dr. Strange!" said Kagome loudly.

"Yes, Hellcat?" said Hikaru, his fingers starting to rub his temples. "What is your pressing concern?"

Kagome sputtered quietly. "It's—ahh—her feet," she finally got out. "She's barefoot, see…?"

Hikaru began to rub his temples. "That's because she's poor, Hellcat. When people are poor, sometimes they can't afford niceties the rest of us take for granted, like shoes, or regular meals…"

"Yeah, but—" Kagome gestured to Nadia's ankles. "They've got little wings on them. See?" She tugged lightly on a little green wing that rested perfectly on the heel of the foot.

Hikaru blinked. "Oh." This was definitely—unique.

-----

Defending

Chapter 5—"Never Met a Girl Like You Before"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

David Dee

-----

"How is it you're allowed to feel her up, but I'm not?" asked Miroku.

"Once again, I didn't 'feel her up'!" snapped Hikaru. " 'Feeling up' both implies and requires a conscious effort on the part of the feeler that I lacked."

Miroku grinned slightly. "So your hands sought out her chest of their own violation. Understood."

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "No, it was an accident, like this conversation. A hideous, horrible accident we will all try to forget."

"I see." Miroku nodded. There was an awkward silence. "So—what were they like?"

Hikaru shuddered in rage. "I don't know why I even stay within a speaking distance of you sometimes!" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Picking up any scents?"

Inu-Yasha glanced up at them, and shrugged. "Just hers." He frowned. "Actually, it's pretty weird. Human but—saltier…"

Miroku glanced at Hikaru. "Any idea where she's from?"

Hikaru sighed. "India? Africa? Brazil? The Caribbean? Idaho?" He shook his head. "The world's a lot smaller than you two remember—the best I could do is take a guess at her ethnicity and even that would be a wild stab." He walked over to the edge of the alleyway. The brick wall that stood at the end of it had a huge gaping hole in it. "Maybe she can tell us when she comes to." He kneeled, and placed his hands on the bricks.

Inu-Yasha glanced at him. "Musta been pretty big ta do this, eh?"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Hard to tell. If you hit anything just hard enough and in the right spot, it'll shatter…" He took a deep breath. "Hmm…"

Miroku blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Psychometry," replied Hikaru. "Inu-Yasha tried to pick up as scent—now I am…"

"Eh?" muttered Inu-Yasha uncomprehendingly.

"I'm scanning the area for psychic residue. I might find something—and the Ancient One has been suggesting I practice my mental powers."

"Sorta like when Kagome and Miroku pick up evil spirits…"

"More or less. Think of it this way—they're using their naked eyes, I'm going over things with a magnifying lens."

Miroku stared at him. "What are you getting?"

"Not much," answered Hikaru. "Fear—that's probably hers—pain—a great deal of hostility, and—" He shuddered. "Eww."

"What?" asked Inu-Yasha mystified.

"Let's just say a lesson not to probe to deeply into the past of old alleyways and leave it at that," said Hikaru uncomfortably.

Inu-Yasha gave a puzzled nod.

Hikaru shook his head. "Well, that's that—I lost the thread." He sighed. "Whatever our 'monster' is, I can't find out anything about it…" He stood up, and walked away, Inu-Yasha and Miroku followed him.

A pair of eyes were following him in the distance. "Why, look, sister! It's that old meanie, Son of Satan! I hate him, don't you?"

"Waah!" cried her kneeling sister. "That nasty tramp bruised my hand when she broke free…"

"Oh, we'll get back at her. Just like we'll get back at Son of Satan and that nasty Hellcat woman." She giggled. "Come on! The boss will want to know about this."

-----

The first thing Nadia heard when she came to was, "Well, this is new! Usually I'm the comatose one…"

Her eyes shot open. She found herself staring at the gaunt, pale face of Hikaru Gosunkugi. This was not a comforting sight, a fact that Hikaru was aware of through years of experience. Thus he didn't blame her for narrowing her eyes in suspicion. "Who are you?" she aksed commandingly. "And where am I?"

Hikaru gave a polite cough. "I'm Hikaru Gosunkugi. You are in my house." He smiled in what he hoped was a charmingly disarming manner. "We've—met earlier."

Nadia's eyebrow shot up slightly. Her eyes remained very narrow. "I think I vaguely remember that. Are you the one who felt me up?"

"Oh, for the last time, you weren't felt up!" snapped Hikaru.

This answer was in many respects unfortunate, as it caused Nadia's eyebrows to arch higher. "What do you mean, 'for the last time'?"

Hikaru's eyes widened in stark terror. "Something that has nothing to do with the subject at hand?" he suggested hopefully.

Hikaru was something of an expert in withering glances, due to a combination of natural disposition, and extensive training. He was quite capable of making a brave man whimper, then wet himself with one screwfaced glance. And with such expertise, he could say that Nadia's gaze was the visual equivalent of thumbscrews, being fully capable of making an utter sociopath break down and confess to years old crimes.

Hikaru gulped, and managed a soft laugh. "I really think we should leave vague uncertain happenings in the vague uncertain past, where they will continue to be vague, uncertain, and never spoken of again. Ever!" He smiled broadly, then glanced nervously away.

Nadia took a deep breath. "Listen, I can sympathize with your—difficulties, but realize this is not a situation that engenders trust."

"Oh, come on!" said Hikaru, annoyed. "Do I look like the kind of man who preys on helpless young women he finds on the street?" He winced, "Don't answer that."

Nadia screwed up her mouth. "Actually the fact you asked had me looking for a blunt object."

"You've given that up?" asked Hikaru with a note of hope.

"You don't look that formidable," replied Nadia. "I think I can take you."

Hikaru blinked. "How courteous of you to tell me that."

"Please step back. I don't want to have to hurt you."

Hikaru looked at her. She had an odd way of speaking, actually—a slight accent, which was to be expected, though Hikaru couldn't for the life of him place it, and a very formal tendency in her diction that was very—off-putting.

He had no idea why he'd thought she was so amazingly attractive. It had clearly been a momentary lapse of reason.

Especially comparing her to Akane.

Not that he had done that.

He had no idea why he suddenly felt so guilty.

Nadia stared at him. "Are you _always_ so fidgety?"

Hikaru fidgeted awkwardly. "What are you talking about?"

"That would be a yes," murmured Nadia.

Hikaru blinked, then glared at her. "You know, I face a lot of trouble, and a lot of annoyance, so you'd think I'd be used to it, but in fact all that happens is I get more and more irritated," stated Hikaru, gesturing emphatically. "And now you come along, ask me for help, and then start picking me apart like a freaking game of Jenga, and it's all I can do to not lose my temper—"

"What was that?" asked Nadia, startled. "Before the part about you losing your temper?"

"Jenga," said Hikaru. "It's a game where you stack these blocks, and you start picking them out of the stack, and putting them on top of it—"

"No, before that. I asked you for help?"

"Yes, and I felt pity, and gave it to you, an action for which the universe has seen fit to mock me once again," said Hikaru.

Nadia stared at him for a moment, then glanced away. "I see. My apologies, My remarks were—unfair."

"Also catty, sarcastic, and cruel," noted Hikaru. "But thanks for the apology."

Nadia placed her hands on her hips. "I'm starting to regret it." As Hikaru opened his mouth, she gestured that she wasn't finished. "But please—I have been on the run for some time now and it has damaged my courtesy. Also, you're appearance doesn't exactly inspire trust."

"Oh, thank you," muttered Hikaru. "People are just bowling me over with compliments today…"

Nadia took a deep flustered breath. "Look, let's just this out on different footing." "Sounds reasonable." Hikaru shut his eyes. "So, Nadia—"

"How do you know my name?" she snapped.

"You told me earlier," he stated calmly. "Now, where do you come from?"

"I'd rather not say," Nadia answered curtly.

"What's your full name?"

"That's really not important."

"Is there someone I should contact?"

"I really don't know."

Hikaru frowned severely. "Well aren't you a kettlepot of useful information? I already feel my hostility dissolving in the face of your open nature and exceptional trust."

Nadia shut her eyes. "I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to," she said quietly. "The truth is, I don't remember."

Hikaru blinked. "Amnesia?"

Nadia stared at him. "You seem skeptical."

"It's greatly overrated," noted Hikaru, "People forget things for awhile, but rarely the vast tracks that tradition grants to amnesiacs." Hikaru thought that over. "Except the senile, and they lose most of their faculties. It's not a pretty sight." He glanced back at her. "So, what do you remember?"

Nadia thought that over. "I know my first name but not my last. I know a great deal about your culture, but I don't know how I learned it, and I don't recall my own. I know your language, and though it sounds idiotic, I know it isn't my language, but I don't know how I know that, and I don't know mine." She blinked. "The only thing I can recall about my family is that I had an uncle who died before I was born…" She glanced at Hikaru. "Does the name 'Namor' ring a bell?"

"It doesn't even register as a name," said Hikaru, "though since the sixties, anything is possible."

"Hikaru! We're back!" came Kagome's voice.

Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Who—?"

Hikaru sighed. "My associates. You can trust them." He shook his head. "Though if you're going to jump at everything, I can just check you into a nearby asylum..."

Nadia shut her eyes. "I was being _chased_ by people!"

Hikaru nodded. "You mentioned that when I picked you up." He glanced at her. "Any idea who they are? Or has that also been conveniently blanked from your mind?"

"They haven't introduced themselves," stated Nadia flatly.

Hikaru seemed to be about to reply to that when Kagome burst in holding a platter. "Ta da!" She placed the platter in front of Nadia. "Your dinner is served!" She yamked off the cover.

"Well, that certainly took you long enough," groused Hikaru. "Hey, wait is that—"

Kagome beamingly displayed the meal. "Your very own sushi platter!"

"You blew the money I gave you on sushi?!!" screamed Hikaru.

Kagome recoiled nervously. "You said to get food…"

"I was thinking ramen! Soba! Something cheap, and noodle-based! Not a _very_ expensive sushi platter!" He looked the platter over. "You even got fatty salmon…"

"Hikaru?" asked Kagome quietly.

"That was my food money for the next two weeks…" muttered Hikaru. "If I want to eat, I'm going to have to dip into my personal savings, which are _not_ in the best shape right now."

"Um, we'll help…" offered Kagome.

Hikaru stared at her in disbelief. "No you won't. You guys don't have any money. That's why you leech off me."

"I can't eat this," announced Nadia.

"What?" said Hikaru suddenly.

Nadia glanced at him awkwardly, then glanced down at the platter. "I can't eat this. I'm a vegetarian."

Hikaru blinked. "Even for fish?"

Nadia's jaw clenched. "Especially for fish." She looked Hikaru. "I'm a pacifist, Mr. Gosunkugi, who holds all life sacred."

"Oh, come on!" yelled Hikaru. "They're just fish! They don't feel pain! I know—I've been fishing! I hooked the same fish five times! And had to keep throwing it back!"

Nadia scowled "They do too feel pain! They just lack long-term memory! Can you imagine what that's like? To be in horrific pain, and have no idea why?"

"Very easily," muttered Hikaru. He rubbed his temples. "Look, you claim that you can't remember where you come from and what happened to you, but you do recall you're a pacifistic vegetarian who's inordinately fond of FISH!"

The pair glared at each other for awhile. Finally, Nadia turned away. "I'm going to take bath. I need one. And I'm not going to eat that fish. That is the end of our discussion." She walked out of the room. Hikaru watched her leave, then sat down and helped himself to the platter.

Kagome blinked. "Hikaru?!"

"She doesn't want it, I paid for it—I will eat it then." He scowled. "I am going to get some enjoyment out of this, because frankly, I've had enough trouble."

Kagome nodded slowly. "Oh." She coughed. "Can I have some?"

"No."

-----

"So," said the silky, accented voice, "she is being sheltered by Hellcat and Son of Satan."

"That's right, boss!"

"Give us candy!"

Grandis moaned. "Come on grandfather! Don't spoil them!"

Maynard Gravna Tiboldt turned towards his granddaughter imposingly. "Granddaughter, Lin Lin and Ran Ran were promised candy by me if they did as I asked, and CANDY THEY SHALL HAVE!" He handed the twins two suckers.

"That's right! Candy!" shouted Lin Lin.

"Meanie lady!" shouted Ran Ran. The twins darted around Grandis, wrapping her legs up in silken scarves.

"You little—OOF!" cried Grandis as she toppled over. "I'LL PUT YOU IN THE BOX!!"

"Now, now, granddaughter, the twins are merely following their villainous shtick." A dashing smile touched Tiboldt's face. "Indeed, we of the Gravna and Tiboldt families have always prided ourselves on the gimmickry of our underlings, who traditionally come in matched sets of two." He stood up to his full height. "And using those underlings we have created—THE CIRCUS OF CRIME!" He struck his chest and immediately started coughing.

Grandis scowled as he hacked up a large bit of mucus. "Honestly, grandfather, that is disgusting."

"What?" asked Tiboldt. "I'm old. I've got loads of phlegm. When you get to be my age, granddaughter, it will probably be what's holding you together."

Grandis wrinkled her nose. "Grandfather, that is the most repulsive thing I've ever heard."

"What? You will be old one day. I'm to blame for this?" He frowned at her. "Also, it was unsuitable of you to threaten them with the Box. That is the Tiboldt family punishment, to be given by the Tiboldt family head, which you are not." Tiboldt stared at her imperiously. "Instead I am, and I shall remain so until you do as I have long wanted you to do…"

"I'm not killing you, Grandpa," sighed Grandis.

"Oh, come on—I'm an old man. All it would take his a pillow and a few minutes!" He crossed his arms. "I killed _my_ grandfather when I was _half_ your age!"

"We're not talking about this, grandfather," said Grandis tiredly.

"Hmmph," grumbled Tiboldt. "What a miserable protégé you've turned out to be. I blame your father. His coddling ruined you. Instead of a sadistic maniac, you are merely a slightly vicious neurotic."

"Grandfather—don't we have a target to seize?"

Tiboldt nodded. "You are right. We cannot waste time in petty arguments. Gather our forces—we strike immediately!"

"What forces? All we have right now is the twins. Everyone else is either in prison or going solo." She looked at the walls of their tent. "Hell, I hear the Clown is recruiting for some other organization." She shook her head. "I think we should wait, and get some more help. I mean, Hellcat and Son of Satan took us down at full strength by _themselves_."

"A Tiboldt never waits child! We strike at once! Like lightning!" Tiboldt raised his fist and started to cough.

"But this time they've got friends! And little Miss Marked-for-Death!"

Tiboldt stared at her. "Huh?"

"Our target," groaned Grandis, "I was trying to be witty. You do recommend that as a supervillain trait."

Tiboldt nodded awkwardly. "Yes—well—I prefer less obscure quips…"

"Right," muttered Grandis, teeth clenched.

"For example, 'Pardon me for dropping in' after one has entered by smashing a hole in the ceiling." Tiboldt gave a deep satisfied chuckle. "That one is always a classic."

Grandis took a deep breath. "I think our client would want us to get the job done…"

"Of course," smiled Tiboldt. "Granddaughter, I think we can handle these 'superheroes'. Or rather the Ringmaster and Princess Python can!"

Grandis groaned. "You want me to get the snake, don't you?"

-----

Nadia leaned back in the tub, allowing the water to stream over her skin in calming rivulets. This had most certainly been what she'd needed. Plenty of rest, relaxation and water, with no irritating distractions.

There was an angry knock on the door. "Nadia?" came the shrill croak of Hikaru's voice. "Are you finished with your bath yet? Or reasonably close to being finished?"

"No," answered Nadia. "Why should I be?"

"Maybe because you've been in there for three hours." There was a sharp cough. "No—my mistake. Four hours."

Nadia's eyes opened nervously. "Oh." She laughed apologetically. "Umm, perhaps I _will_ be getting out of here soon."

"Take your time," said Hikaru wearily. "Mostly I was making sure you hadn't drowned."

"I don't drown," said Nadia with surprising quickness and assurance.

"Well, most of us do," noted Hikaru snarkily, his voice fading away, "so don't blame me for checking."

Nadia blinked. Why _had_ she been so sure she couldn't drown? It was, when you thought it over, not a very reasonable thing to assume. Dear Gods, was she going mad? Or even already there? She nodded quickly to herself. She had to check this. Nadia knelt forward, and stuck her head in the water. She took a deep breath. As she'd expected, she breathed perfectly well under water. Sitting up, she shrugged. It was unusual, but, she noted with a glance at her winged feet, she was an unusual girl.

-----

"Her Royal Majesty will probably be joining us shortly," muttered Hikaru.

"Wow!" exclaimed Kagome. "She's royalty?"

Hikaru blinked. "Ahh—no. I was joking."

"Oh," said Kagome. "You were being 'sarcastic' again." She squinted thoughtfully. "You do that an awful lot."

Inu-Yasha glanced at him. "Where are yer folks?"

"They're attending a reunion tour of some old metal band called 'Black Heaven'. They'll be back in a couple of weeks." Hikaru shrugged. "I notified them that the manga club is hosting a—visitor from a foreign branch…"

Miroku shook his head. "I still can't believe your parents trust you with the house."

"My parents trust me with weapons-grade plutonium," said Hikaru ruefully. "It's rather unnerving, actually…"

"I never figured your parents for metal fans," said Kagome.

"Their inner hippies require nurturing every now and then. Dad's firm tends to humor him—he's the one banker who's not under indictment at the moment…" Hikaru shrugged. "It gives him a surprising amount of leeway."

Miroku glanced up. "I think I have an idea about Miss Nadia's amnesia. You—"

"No, Miroku," stated Hikaru.

"You didn't even—"

"I'm not going to read her mind to verify her story."

Miroku stared at him. "Did you just—"

"I didn't have to," said Hikaru. "You really are that predictable."

At that moment, Nadia glided silently around the staircase. "So, what was that bit about reading minds?"

Hikaru could actually feel the breeze being produced by the mutual gasps. "It's—nothing…"

"Right!" said Kagome. "We're _not_ superheroes!"

Hikaru glared at her.

Nadia gave the group a puzzled look. "So—your superheroes?"

Hikaru glanced away. "Yes."

Nadia stared at them for a moment then burst out laughing.

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "I'm glad you find us amusing. It warms my heart that we lift your spirits."

Nadia stifled a chuckle and then did her best to put on a more serious face. "I'm sorry. It's just that—I always saw superheroes as more—formidable."

"Hey!" shouted Kagome. "We're a _darn_ formidable team of superheroes!"

Nadia, despite herself, started laughing again.

Hikaru glanced at Kagome. "We're not a team…"

Nadia recovered, and looked. "So what exactly are you?"

Hikaru thought that over. "More a loose corresponding circle."

"And you can read minds?" stated Nadia.

"Among other things. I'm exceedingly versatile." Hikaru shrugged. "Actually I'm practically omnipotent, given ideal time and circumstances."

"So your God on a shoestring budget?" commented Nadia amusedly.

"Good analogy," stated Hikaru.

"So you could check my memories," she noted. "Including the ones I don't—remember…"

"If you want me to," answered Hikaru gravely.

Nadia nodded, her eyes shut. Hikaru stepped forward, and clutched her face loosely in his hands. Nadia's eyes snapped open. "_What_ are you doing?"

"Physical contact makes mental scans much easier," replied Hikaru.

"Do you expect me to belie—" Nadia's face went slack midsentence.

"What'd you do to her?" asked Kagome.

"They also work better when the subject is under a trance," answered Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru suspiciously. "That so?"

"Yes. It minimizes distraction, though I won't deny quieting her down as a certain satisfaction all it's own." Hikaru's eyes shut in concentration. "Now, quiet. She asked me to do this, and I've no intention of giving her a cut-rate job."

Hikaru sent his psyche deeper into Nadia's mind. _Hunger_… _Fear_… _They are after me_… The jumbled impressions shot through Hikaru's consciousness, making him almost wince in pain. He was surprised by the wave of pity that went through him. The confused, panicked thoughts that were most of Nadia's immediate were strong, but carried little actual information. Steeling himself, Hikaru plunged deeper into her mind.

What he saw surprised him.

It also knocked him unconscious.

-----

"Are you certain this is the place?"

"Yes, boss!"

"That's it!"

Tiboldt shook his head, "Curious. Superheroes traditionally have more—impressive abodes."

"Grandfather," said Grandis in choked tones, "the damn snake's trying to strangle me."

"Do not call him a 'damn snake'," said Tiboldt curtly. "Mr. Scales is a valuable member of this family."

Grandis's eyes began to twitch. "More valuable then your granddaughter and heir?"

Tiboldt stroked his chin speculatively. Grandis screamed. "Don't be so impatient, child!" he said. "I'm thinking about it!"

"No grandfather," intoned Grandis slowly. "Mr. Scales is trying to ingest my foot."

Tiboldt sighed. "Is that how a supervillain acts? You are Princess Python! You _dominate_ the snake!"

"Princess Python may dominate snakes—Grandis Gravna Tiboldt gets the ever-lasting shit scared out of her by them."

"Honestly, sometimes I don't know why I chose you to take over the Gravna Tiboldt criminal empire."

"Because you've killed off every other member after tricking them into trying to kill you!" screamed Grandis.

Tiboldt scratched his head. "I think there maybe a few distant cousins in Carnelia."

Grandis narrowed her eyes. "Nothing I say particularly sinks in, does it?"

"Of course, they are tailors a profession not exactly known for flamboyant evil," muttered Tiboldt.

"I thought so," said Grandis sadly.

"Still, I hear one of them has gone into public relations, so per haps there is hope."

"Any orders, boss?" asked Lin Lin.

"We really want to break things!" said Ran Ran eagerly.

"Do just that—but leave the target to us!"

"Gotcha boss!" said the twins together, rushing off.

"Now that is how a minion should act, granddaughter," said Tiboldt satisfiedly. "Did you not note the obedient inclining of their heads?"

"Snake's getting frisky, grandpa…"

-----

Hikaru came to groggily. "I've got to stop this—it's getting to be a habit." He glanced at Kagome. "How's Nadia?"

"She passed out the same time you did," Kagome replied. "Miroku went to help her."

Hikaru blinked. "That was a bad idea."

"That's what I told them," said Nadia, leaning against the wall.

Hikaru nodded. "And Miroku?"

Nadia shut her eyes. "He's mildly concussed."

"Good," said Hikaru. "Very good."

"Where are the bells?" said Miroku dazedly. "I hear them, but I don't see them…"

Hikaru looked at him meditatively. "In fact, excellent." He looked at Nadia. "All right—someone has apparently sealed off most of your personal memories. Neither you nor I can get to them."

"I see," said Nadia quietly. "Can't you just—unseal them?"

"Only if you don't mind being a vegetable," answered Hikaru. "Whoever put them up had a lot of power and skill. Only they can lower them at will. Anyone else is going to have to put a lot of effort into getting them open, and I'm afraid I lack the finesse to do so without damaging you."

"I thought you were 'practically omnipotent'," snapped Nadia.

"Sister, it's a big 'practically'!" shot back Hikaru. "The human mind is very delicate. You can't just go charging in at will. I don't care if you can breathe underwater—some things still aren't going to go your way."

"Stop being so patronizing," said Nadia.

"I can't help my nature," replied Hikaru. "Though the fact you used the word 'patronizing' will cut down on my condescending."

"What if I use the word 'hemorrhage'?" asked Nadia.

"It almost vanishes."

Nadia glanced at Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "Is he always like this?"

"Sometimes he's worse," answered Inu-Yasha.

"You breathe underwater?" asked Kagome.

Two brightly colored figures crashed into the room. "Give it up!" shouted one at Nadia.

"You'll never escape us!" shouted the second, who was nearly identical to the first.

"The Chinese Twins!" gasped Kagome.

"Damn," muttered Hikaru. "Now I have to fix that window."

Nadia stood very still for a moment, then screamed. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" She charged forward.

Through the wall.

"After her!" cried the twins, somersaulting in pursuit.

Hikaru stared at the gaping hole Nadia had left behind her, then coughed. "Say… Inu-Yasha—remember how I said that a huge hole isn't proof of a huge monster?"

"Yep," said Inu-Yasha.

"I'm just saying this because it appears we're going to have to abandon the whole 'monster pursuing Nadia' theory…"

-----

Nadia raced out onto the street, mentally cursing. She should have known. Safety was an illusion—one she could ill afford. A grim smile rose to her lips. They could try to catch her! She was recovered—back to full strength!

Her stomach growled at the same time as her knees buckled.

Except f or the niggling little fact of having not eaten anything.

"So. Miss il Karthon," came the accented voice. "I am pleased you could—drop in." Nadia glanced up to see a chuckling man in a gaudy green suit, topped by a purple top hat with some sort of medallion in it. Behind him stood a statuesque woman struggling with a snake. "See, granddaughter? That is a supervillain quip!"

The woman nodded while trying to brush the snake away. "Right, right!"

Nadia stood to her feet. "Careful," she said through clenched teeth. "I'm a lot tougher than I look."

"Such defiance," muttered the man. The large medallion began to spin. "It will not do…" Nadia began to stiffen. Stare into the nullatron. Let the circles carry you away. Let your will—become my will. The will of—THE RINGMASTER!"

-----

Hikaru soared through the air as Miroku, Kagome and Inu-Yasha rushed after him.

"I wish I'd brought the Hellcat-cycle," muttered Kagome.

"Ain't it got a flat?" scowled Inu-Yasha.

Kagome glanced at him. "I don't recall telling you that…"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "L-lucky guess…"

"Supervillain up ahead!" shouted Hikaru touching down.

"The Ringmaster!" gasped Kagome. "So the Circus of Crime is behind this!"

"Say what now?" asked Hikaru.

"The Circus of Crime!" intoned Kagome ostentatiously. "A circus where the clowns don't cause laughter, the animals don't amaze, and the acrobats don't fill the heart with wonder."

Hikaru frowned. "Kagome, that's every circus."

"They also steal stuff," she hastily added.

"Indeed we do, Hellcat," said the Ringmaster. "Indeed we do."

"Wow. Good hearing for a septuagenarian," noted Hikaru.

"I have no idea what that means, but thank you," said the Ringmaster silkily. "Welcome to the Circus of Crime! Our show-stopping acts are guaranteed to knock your socks off!" He chuckled to himself, and then gestured to a corner. "May I present—the Twin Chinese Acrobats!"

Lin Lin and Ran Ran tumbled into view.

"Princess Python!"

A woman walked into view waving a stick at a snake that was following her. "You want a piece of me?" she muttered threateningly. "Do _you_ want a piece of _me_?"

"And our new star attraction—the Flying Fish Girl!"

Kagome's expression was troubled. "That's odd. I don't remember a Flying—"

Nadia dived at them from above. "Oh, wow," said Kagome.

"You're telling me," said Hikaru. "There's no way those tiny wings she has can support her weight."

Inu-Yasha stepped forward. "I'll handle her." Nadia collided with him.

Inu-Yasha tumbled backward, leaving several large craters in the pavement. "Wow again!"

Hikaru nodded. "I knew she was surprisingly muscular, but that borders on the impossible…"

Miroku rubbed his chin speculatively. "A hard body, eh?"

Hikaru gave him a quick jab to the side. "Down boy." He glanced at Kagome. "So—the Ringmaster's put a whammy on her?"

"Umm, yeah—how'd you guess?"

"I'm just lucky that way."

Nadia grasped Inu-Yasha's fist mid-swing and flung him backwards. "Guys, a little help here?"

Hikaru nodded and looked at Miroku and Kagome. "You help him—I'll take care of the Senior Citizen."

Miroku nodded and rushed at Nadia, hefting his staff. She ducked down and tripped him with a swing kick.

Kagome laughed. "Don't worry, Son o' Satan! Hellcat is on the case!" She drew her bow, and quickly fired.

She missed by a sizable margin.

"Ya know," shouted Inu-Yasha, "there's this guy, Hawkeye, who also does the arrow thing—only he hits!"

"Hey, I hit too!" whined Kagome. "Most of the time." She bit her lip. "It's over fifty percent!"

The arrow let loose a shockwave that knocked three of the four people near it to their feet.

Nadia was the exception.

The Ringmaster gave a dry chuckle. "Well, hero, it appears that I will soon be adding a dog-faced boy and several new clowns to my act."

"Right," noted Hikaru. "The awesome might of a woman under your mental thrall threatens to overwhelm us." He thought that over. "Unless I beat you, which as a young man in surprisingly good shape facing a gouty, arthritis-ridden old man with respiratory problems, I can probably manage."

The twins tumbled before him. "Oh, no you don't!" said Lin Lin.

"Nobody gets through us!" shouted Ran Ran.

They quickly wrapped Hikaru up in ribbons. Hikaru sighed. "Oh, now you've done in it." As the twins watched, the ribbons burst into flames and burned to cinders. "You annoyed me." He raised his hands. The pair went flying backwards.

The Ringmaster blinked as Hikaru strode forward majestically. His medallion began to twirl. "Very well, hero. Stare into the nullatron, and feel—"

Hikaru punched him. "You know, I'm officially against evil now," he stated. "I find it irritating."

"Owww!" cried the Ringmaster. "My brittle old man flesh!"

"My heart bleeds for you," said Hikaru calmly. "Still it was a bad idea to try and hypnotize me." He pointed to his head. "I'm such a master of the field that my mind is firmly locked and hermetically sealed." He glanced at the Ringmaster's hat. "While you are a silly old man using a spinning circle on your hat—and thanks for showing me just what I needed to break." He gave a quick jab, causing the nullatron to make a satisfying crunch, then rubbed his knuckles. "I'm obliged to you."

Nadia's eyes cleared. She glanced down at Inu-Yasha, who she had clutched by the kimono. "What am I doing?"

"Beatin' the crap outta me," answered Inu-Yasha.

"Ahh," said Nadia. "I shouldn't be doing that, should I?"

"Nope," gasped Inu-Yasha.

"Right," she said, releasing him.

Hikaru gestured at the Ringmaster. "If you should hit anybody it's this guy. He raped your free will with the casual aplomb of a practiced sociopath."

Nadia's eyes narrowed. "I see." She rushed forward and lifted up the elderly supervillain. "I think I'll follow that advice."

Hikaru blinked. "I thought you were a pacifist who holds all life sacred?"

"I find my pacifism does not preclude self-defense, and reasonably justifiable ass-kicking," stated Nadia. "Does that offend you?"

Hikaru shrugged. "No, but I'm an ethical realist."

Nadia glared at the Ringmaster. "All right, I want answers…" A pistol cocked.

"Let my grandfather down," said Princess Python, leveling a Luger at Nadia. "Nobody gets to kill him but me!"

"Grandis!" said the Ringmaster. "A gun? That is so… tacky!"

"I'm saving your ass, old man!" screamed Princess Python. "Is a little gratitude too much to ask?" She fired.

The bullet bounced off Nadia's skin.

Wide-eyed, Grandis emptied the gun into the girl.

The bullets all ricocheted off her.

Grandis stared at the gun in disbelief.

"Don't bother throwing it," said Hikaru. "I have it on good authority that never works."

Grandis gulped as Nadia threw the Ringmaster at her. "All right you two—you will tell me what I want to know," she began. "What did you do to me? Why can't I remember anything?" She choked back a sob. "WHY?"

The pair blinked. "W-we don't know," said Grandis quietly. "We only know your named Nadia il Karthon, and that the person who hired us wanted you very badly. That's it."

"You—you're lying," seethed Nadia raising a fist.

"No," said Hikaru, grabbing her fist lightly. "They're not."

Nadia lowered her arm, and shut her eyes. "Who hired you?"

"We don't know," said Grandis. "We never met him in person, and he never gave us his name. He said he'd contact us after you were caught, and that he'd know when that happened."

"Which means it will never happen now," said Nadia quietly. She gulped. "Hell's bells. Another dead end." She bit her lip, and began to quietly weep.

Hikaru stared at her awkwardly. He took a deep breath, and patted her on the shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said softly. There was a shuffling behind him. "Miroku, if you take two more steps, I'll have you singing in the Vienna Boys' Choir."

"Umm, right," said Miroku. He glanced at Nadia. "You have my condolences."

Hikaru coughed. "You know we're—stopping a demonic invasion in two days. You could help—if you wanted to."

Nadia choked back a sob. "I don't—want to harm—living creatures at the moment."

"Technically, they aren't alive."

"Oh." Nadia bit her lip, and smiled slightly. "It's a date."

-----

In a small ship by the docks a man shut off a radio. "Damn," he muttered. He sighed and shook his head. "Well, just goes to show you—you can't subcontract."

He shook his head again, and went below to inform h is employers that there'd been an insignificant delay.

-----

Maynard Gravna Tiboldt watched as his granddaughter brewed his tea. "So neither you or the twins can remember what we've done for the last few weeks?"

Grandis nodded. "No idea."

Tiboldt gave a hearty chuckle. "Ahh—lost time—an eternal factor in supervillainy. Entire years of my life are missing, did you know that?" He coughed into his handkerchief, looked at the results, then tucked it back into his vest. "Of course," he noted candidly, "my hard-living gigolo days may have something to do with that."

Grandis tensed, then handed him a cup. "Your tea, grandfather."

"Thank you, my sweet," he said, then sipped it down. "Ahh, excellent. The arsenic adds just the right touch of piquancy. It makes me glad I developed a tolerance for it."

Grandis slapped her forehead.

-----

Nadia stared silently out the window. Someone cleared their throat behind her. "You want another blanket? Another pillow? A complimentary mint?"

"No. Thanks for asking, Hikaru."

Hikaru nodded, then started out. He paused, then glanced at her. "How was the yogurt?"

"It was fine."

"That's nice." He started to head out, then paused. "Look, do you want to talk? About anything?"

Nadia shut her eyes, "No, I—" She took a deep breath. "I don't know who I am, Hikaru. I have no idea about anything. You have no idea what that feels like. Nobody does."

Hikaru chuckled. "If you think that's true, you must have been living a sheltered life." He shook his head. "Don't worry. We'll find out what's happened—who you were. I'm pretty much a magnet for trouble and coincidence, and that way lies the answer." He started to leave.

Nadia turned. "I'm sorry about your house."

"Don't worry—it's fixed. 'Practically omnipotent with ideal time and circumstances', remember?" He smiled. "Actually, I consider myself amply rewarded by your mere presence."

Nadia blinked, startled.

"You're the first person I've met who's honestly more depressed than I am." He walked out. "I find that awfully reassuring."

Nadia, despite herself smiled. Things might not be so bad, after all.

-----

The spaceship stopped behind the moon.

"So this is the place?"

"Yes, Captain. Third planet in the Sol system. The inhabitants call it—Earth."

"It is strangely lovely, is it not? I wonder if it is ready for—THE HERALD OF GALACTUS?"

"Your chocolate milk, miss."

"Ooh, goody! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

--NEXT CHAPTER--

NADIA: Well, now I join the cast as—well take a guess. And next chapter, seven ramshackle companions join forces to save the Earth from—CAPTAIN ONI! Guest-starring the big green dynamo—

-dinosaur growl-

NADIA: No not Godzilla.

HIKARU: Oh, thanks for giving away the twist…

NADIA: Hikaru, the twelve people who can figure it out knew who the villain was the moment the laugh ended…

MIROKU: Umm…

BOTH: Shut up, Miroku.

CRIMSON COWL: Just wanted to say, I'm not in this chapter either…

HIKARU: Join us next time for 'Third Stone From the Sun' people.

NADIA: Oooh, a Hendrix reference.

-----

Author's Notes:

Everyone remains not owned by me. Nadia is owned by Gainax, and if she seemed out of character, consider her the original's sort of descendent.

The title is a Kinks song. Damn fine band.

This one came out early, a fact for which I am glad. Don't expect that to become a habit.


	6. Third Stone From the Sun

Hikaru had to admit the Mad Thinker had a very appropriate name. He was clearly quite bright. And he was also clearly insane. For example, the Fantastic Four had brought him in just last week, and he'd escaped using a bottle of soda and a plastic whistle.

Hikaru dodged a burst of flame.

And then there was the small army of giant killer robots he'd built. Hikaru had to admit that impressed him.

"See, Daisy! Even though that vile little worm thinks he can separate us, the force of our love and my genius will keep us together!" said the Mad Thinker brightly.

"Umm, my name's not Daisy," said Nozomi Kaihara, who'd been fastened to the wall next to the Thinker.

That was the 'mad' part. The Thinker apparently thought his hostage was in love with him. Personally, Hikaru thought it was a bit early for Stockholm syndrome.

"You always say that!" laughed the Mad Thinker, his green trenchcoat swirling around him as he turned towards her. "But you always realize I'm right eventually."

Nozomi blinked. "We've never met before," she said quietly.

The Mad Thinker gave a fond, forgiving shake of the head. "You say that a lot too. Don't worry though—it will all make sense to again eventually. That's how it's been every time I find you when you go missing, Daisy, and that's how it's going to stay." He took a large device off his extensive toolbelt, and began to fiddle with the large ray next to him. "Now then, as soon as I finish with this silly old tractor beam, I'll do what _every_ boy promises the girl he's sweet on—give you the moon!"

"Umm," murmured Nozomi, "I don't think anyone promises that anymore…"

"Of course they do," said the Thinker. "My grandfather says so, and he's as smart as I am. Remember, Daisy—smart people are always right!"

"But won't doing that kill people?"

"Oh, only unimportant ones," said the Thinker absently as he cut into the side of the tractor beam with a large blowtorch. "I'll be fine! And your alien blood allows you to survive anything!" He sighed. "I've really got to come up with some way of re-educating you faster—it's getting to be a hassle. Maybe the right combination of subliminal messages and psychotropic drugs…"

Hikaru twisted past the robot's fist. Oh, yeah, that was the Mad Thinker—a real character. Calling him a few cans short of a six-pack didn't do him justice—Hikaru doubted the man had enough juice left to fill a shot glass. He deflected the robot's ray beam. Hikaru was really getting sick of the damn thing. He'd tried to magnetize it, but it was apparently made of some carbon-weave polymer. He'd tried to melt it, but it apparently ran on ambient heat, and so all he'd gotten was one excited robot. As for simply blowing it up, the thing was harder to destroy than the Rolling Stones' careers. Hikaru sighed. There were times he wished he wasn't so sarcastic. It made it hard to listen to himself at times, and as that situation was unavoidable for him, it was only more bitter.

He barely avoided the explosive shell the robot fired at him. _Concentrate on the killer robot, stupid_, his mind thought vocally. As the mechanical monster launched a series of shrapnel grenades at him, he had to remind himself not to panic. He could handle this. He was Dr. Strange, who regularly defeated demonic invasions, sinister monsters, and men who had the audacity to attempt world conquest while wearing form-fitting body stockings. He really hated that last bunch. Some parts of the human anatomy were meant to stay hidden in his book.

The robot sprouted several more arms and started firing micromissiles at him. Hikaru gulped. Okay, he could handle this. But help would be nice.

The wall behind him toppled over. Hikaru smiled slightly. Help had arrived. Nadia rushed in, followed by the rest of the motley crew Hikaru happened to call allies. Hikaru glanced at Nadia "Glad to see you guys. Now, how did you beat those robots?

Nadia smiled awkwardly. "We sort of didn't. They're hot on our tails."

Hikaru's face fell. "What?"

"Hot on our tails," repeated Nadia. "In eager pursuit. Following us."

Kagome blinked and pointed ahead. "Hey—that robot's readying that gravity cannon thing the one you threw into a bus used!"

Hikaru glanced at Nadia reproachfully as he created a force field. Nadia looked away. "It was an empty tourist bus." She turned and waved her finger defiantly. "You have no right to judge me!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well, no, but it sure is fun."

Miroku glanced at them worriedly. "The other robots are coming this way!"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "You know, that's one thing I've learned in this business it's never say 'this couldn't possibly get worse', because it always can. On fire? You can jump into gasoline. Chased by a rabid dog? A pack of them can come from the other direction. Dealing with a chainsaw-wielding homicidal maniac? A six-armed man-eating demon can kill him…"

"I'm assuming you have a more detailed plan than 'be bitter as killer robots descend upon us'?" said Nadia pointedly.

"I've got two actually," said Hikaru, "and seeing as the first one involves a bathtub full of champagne, a violinist, and a bottle of sherry, we're probably going to have to go with the second one."

Nadia blinked. "Are you sure about that? Because I'm definitely intrigued."

"Yes, I know, it would have been magical, but we're going with door number two," said Hikaru. "You, Nadia, are going to go after the Thinker, and see if he has a doohickey that can turn off the robots. I am going to attempt some kind of big mojo to shut down the robots. Miroku, Kagome and Inu-Yasha are going to protect me whilst I do so."

"Well, you've covered all the angles," said Nadia quietly.

"As opposed to your outfit," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at what several thorough washings had revealed to be a bikini made of scale mail. "You know this is probably a completely normal outfit where I'm from."

"Then now we know to look for a nation with no shame," said Hikaru calmly. "Now, _vamanos_!" Nadia bit her lip and then jogged out, darting beneath the robot's legs. She ran towards the Mad Thinker, an angry glare on her face.

"Ha ha, wench!" he chuckled arrogantly. "Do you actually think you're a match for the genius of the Thinker?" He pulled an exceedingly elaborate device from his belt. "Face the power of my vibro-beam!" He fired. The silvery blast knocked Nadia off her feet. "You see Daisy! They'll never separate us, not while I can draw breath and my various weapons of mass destruction from their holsters!"

Nozomi gulped. "That's super…"

A dark hand closed around the end of the device. "That—stung," muttered Nadia angrily.

"Really?" asked the Mad Thinker nervously.

"Yes, but not like this is going to, little man," noted Nadia as she swung her fist. The Thinker went sailing back into the wall. "And for future reference, the Sub-Mariner is not one to be taken lightly…"

"Who's the Sub-Mariner?" asked Nozomi.

"That would be me," answered Nadia.

"Oh. I guess that follows…" Nozomi brightened. "Are you going to get me down?"

"After I get the robots shut down." Nadia walked over to the fallen villain, and glanced him over. "Dr. Strange? He seems to be unconscious."

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru, trying to keep up his shield up in the face of repeated blows. "That's bad."

Nadia looked over the Thinker's toolbelt. "I could always just—fiddle with things until I found something that turns it off…"

"I think you better not," said Hikaru nervously. "I really don't want Armageddon to start because you pushed the wrong button…"

Nadia glanced at him. "But how are you going to deal with the robots?"

"I'll come up with something," said Hikaru blithely. "Miroku, I know you hate using it, but…"

"I've tried the Wind Tunnel. They—just dug in their heels." Miroku shook his head. "Also spread out as they are—well, even if it could work, it would be too risky."

Hikaru bit his lip. "Okay. Don't worry. I've got an idea—it'll just require me to temporarily alter the laws of physics. Nothing too big." He gulped. "Of course, it will take awhile, so you'll have to hold them off…"

"Ya always give us the hard jobs," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Don't worry, Doc!" chirped Kagome. "Our superheroish skills will protect you!" She fired her bow. The arrow missed and chopped off a sprinkler head above a robot.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "Great job, Kagome. Now he's hysterical, and he's wet."

The robot sputtered, sparked, and collapsed into a pile of tiny parts.

"On second thought—well done, thou good and faithful servant." Hikaru raised his arms, and shut his eyes. "You know, after mastering the Five, you just get used to some not having much use most of the time." His hands started to glow. "Spirits of the Water! I call upon your aid! I feel your anger, as Man forces you to travel through this building, a slave to his will. You are children of the Rager! I give you strength—rage forth for me!" His eyes opened, glowing blue. "RAGE FORTH!" In response to his cries, the pipes burst, a cascade of water soaking the room. The sparking robots fell into pieces.

A drenched Hikaru glanced at the rushing water. "My thanks to you, children of the Furor. Now I ask you to remember your mother, the Calm One…" The water died down. Hikaru glanced at the others. "Sorry about that. Water spirits can get a bit—enthusiastic at times."

Inu-Yasha spat out a mouthful of water. "A bit…?"

-----

"Well, Miss Kanzai," noted Officer Kobayakawa, "I'd say you held up remarkably well." She shook her head. "The Mad Thinker is one of the most dangerous criminals in Tokyo. There's no telling what he might have done if you had lost your cool."

"I would have been doomed no matter what if it weren't for the efforts of Dr. Strange and his stalwart band of heroes." She smiled brightly. "You know they really are good. I honestly think they don't get the credit they deserve."

Kobayakawa nodded. "Yep. Right. You wouldn't mind getting examined for head trauma now, would you?"

At that moment, the Thinker was wheeled past in traction. "Don't worry, Daisy! I'll be out in no time, and when I am, we can be together again!"

Nozomi turned to Kobayakawa. "Could I please be escorted out of Japan? As soon as humanly possible?:"

-----

From above on the rooftops Hikaru watched as they wheeled the supervillain's broken form into the ambulance. "Well, I think we took care—" He shook his head. "Oh, who am I kidding? He'll probably break out in a month using a package of stale saltines and a used condom."

Nadia gave him a reassuring pat on the back. "Look on the bright side—he sustained multiple fractures." She shrugged. "That should at least slow him down."

Hikaru glanced at her. "You know for an alleged pacifist, you have the most ungodly love of violence."

Nadia smiled. "Only for the deserving and only because I know exactly how much pain a body can take before it becomes potentially lethal."

Hikaru sighed. "You know this conversation just took a turn in a scary direction I have no intention of following up on…" He started to walk away.

"Oh, sure," shouted Nadia mockingly. "Leave me dangling!"

Miroku glanced at her. "I'm a bit surprised you took his suggestion for a name."

"It was better than the competition," she replied.

"Oh, for the last time, 'Amphibious Lass' is a great name!" said Kagome.

Hikaru took a deep breath. All in all, this was proving to be a quiet night.

-----

"Ahh. Earth. A tiny, blue sphere, the color of its vast deserts, sleeping unaware…"

"Oceans, Captain."

"Wha—?"

Lieutenant Mar-Vell sighed. "Oceans. The blue of Earth is from its vast oceans, not deserts."

Captain Lum Oni, commanding officer of the Oni Empire Dreadnaught Class Vessel _Tcha_, stared at her subordinate, her eyes showing her vast store of confusion. "Oh," she said slowly. "I see." She gave a sudden shake of her head. "Well, my point still stands—they are unprepared for the herald of GALACTUS!" She raised her fist triumphantly. "Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Mar-Vell winced. Miss Lum really hadn't gotten the whole threatening laugh thing down yet.

-----

Defending

Chapter 6—"Third Stone From the Sun"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

David Dee

-----

In downtown Tokyo, something was happening.

"So, Arika, the green monster rampaging in downtown Tokyo is _not_ Godzilla shrunk down to ten feet?"

"That is correct, Ken," said Arika Miamata, reporter. "Godzilla was spotted off the shore of Okinawa just an hour ago, looking, to quote local residents 'a bit cranky'."

Anchorman Kensuke Ooneda gave a grave, formal nod. "I see." He took a quizzical expression. "So what kind of damage is the monster doing?"

Arika took a deep, awkward breath. "Well, right now, he's in what experts like to call the 'pre-rampage rampage stage'." She glanced at her cameraman. "If we could get some footage." The camera panned over, revealing a large green man, who appeared mostly to be wandering around aimlessly. "There—he's on edge—clearly disorientated—but not actively rampaging."

Ooneda frowned. "So there's been no destruction or loss of life?"

"That is correct."

He coughed awkwardly, then turned. "Well, seeing as nothing substantial has happened yet, we will now fill some airtime with expert commentary. Joining us now—noted scientist, Dr. Iwata." He turned to a white-haired gentleman with a scarred face. "Dr. Iwata—nice to see you."

"Thank you, Ken. Always a pleasure to appear on television."

"Now, Dr. Iwata—what is it that makes monsters rampage?"

"Well, Ken," said Dr. Iwata thoughtfully, "my personal theory is it's because they're evil…"

Ooneda nodded. "Fascinating."

In the Gosunkugi residence something was also happening.

"See, Hikaru! He's evil! A doctor said so! We have to—"

"No, Kagome."

Both happenings involved surprisingly little of what could in fact be called 'activity'.

"Ahh, yes, and now the police are rolling in," came Arika's voice.

Kagome glanced back at Hikaru. "See! The police! If the police are there, we should be to! As superheroes we have a sacred duty—"

"To harass those whose crime is not conforming to society's preconceived notions of what's an acceptable appearance? Nope—that's the police job, and they're doing it, so the gears of the machine can be said to be grinding things in perfect order."

"But—"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Look, Kagome, you can put whatever spin you want on it, but the only reason Oz the Great and Terrible is facing any sort of reaction at all is because he's ten feet tall. Aside from that, he's the typical tourist." He glanced at the television. "Hell, actually he's more polite than the typical tourist."

There was the sound of gunfire. Arika turned nervously to the camera. "The police have opened fire and—the monster's attacking—OH, OH MY GOD! MOVE IT PEOPLE, HE'S COMING THIS WAY!" The feed momentarily cut into static.

"Oh, the humanity!" shouted Ooneda. He glanced at Dr. Iwata. "Your opinion, doctor?"

"This is bad, Ken," said Iwata with a nod. "Very bad."

Kagome looked at Hikaru triumphantly. "See! Look! He's attacking now! He's definitely rampaging!"

"Because they OPENED FIRE ON HIM!" shouted Hikaru. He glanced at the others. "I'd rampage if that happened to me! Wouldn't you?"

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "I guess…"

"I'd probably just maraud a bit," said Nadia. "Maybe run a little amok."

"Oh, now you're just quibbling," muttered Hikaru. He glanced at Kagome. "Anyhow, Kagome, we are not attacking that poor noble savage." There was a squeal. "Now excuse me, my tea is up." He walked out to the kitchen.

"Okay, okay, can you reestablish the link?" came Arika Miamata. A jumpy picture came on, of Arika kneeling behind some wreckage. "Ken—it's a madhouse here. The monster has in a short while produced a radius of damage more appropriate to force of nature then a living thing…" She gestured upwards. The camera rose to capture an image of the bandana-wearing creature smashing a police car.

Nadia glanced at the television. "My goodness, he is causing a lot of damage, isn't he?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

Nadia looked at her. "And you honestly think we should do this?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

"Well, leave it to me," said Nadia quietly. Hikaru walked back in, holding a cup of tea. She glanced up at him. "Your 'noble savage' just destroyed three police cars."

"Good," said Hikaru. "Too damn many of them anyway. And those sirens!" Hikaru shook his head. "Noise goes straight to the skull." He shuddered, then sipped his tea.

"Heh," murmured Nadia quietly. "Listen to him joke. You can barely guess that he's scared."

"Scared?" Hikaru laughed. "I am so inundated with fear that adding a little more has no effect. I am incapable of terror, as it's my constant state, and I've learned to function with it."

"That's all very nice," chuckled Nadia. "And doubtless that explains why you're not going to stop a ferocious monster that is causing massive damage to the city."

"I'm not because it's the most rational, humane thing to do!"

"You're not because you lack the spine to deal with a real problem! You'd rather bury your head in the sand while things crumble to pieces around you!" She spat. "And you call yourself a man!"

Hikaru glared at her. "How dare you insult my manhood! I'm the mannish boy, the natural man who can take a licking and keep on ticking! I'm bold as love, and you can just ask the axis! I am a virtual paragon of virility!" A buzzer sounded in the kitchen. Hikaru clasped his hands together nervously. "My lemon squares!" He rushed back to the kitchen.

Kagome glanced at Nadia. "What are you—?"

Nadia raised her hand. "Hush, child. Watch the master and learn."  
Hikaru walked un holding a plateful of lemon squares. He glanced at Nadia resentfully. "So, have you continued to slander my masculinity whilst I was dealing with the lemon square situation?"

Nadia arched an eyebrow. "Hikaru, for me to slander your masculinity you'd have to have some."

"Oh, touché," muttered Hikaru. "I suppose the same thing goes for what's covering your midriff?"

Nadia glanced down at her outfit, a halter-top and a pair of shorts. "Oh, riposte," she muttered acidly, a frown on her face.

Kagome noted with some alarm that the pair's hands were digging into the tabletop. Literally. "Umm, guys—don't fight…"

"Why should we fight?" said Hikaru in tones of strained civility. "I'm far too effeminate a man to bother with violence. I'd much rather lie on the sundeck, and sip tea, while fanning myself…"

"And staring at my nonexistent midriff covering?" murmured Nadia.

"Naturally," said Hikaru nibbling on a lemon square. "I suppose the only way you'll stop this if I perform the idiocy of attacking Mr. Green Genes?"

"No," answered Nadia. "The way to stop me is to kill me. However, assuming you to have ethics, your suggestion is the next best thing."

Hikaru shook his head. "For you dear? Of course." He picked up another lemon square. "AFTER I finish my lemon squares." He glanced at his tea cup. "Hmmph. Need a refill." He walked back to the kitchen.

"How did you do that?" asked Kagome, staring at Nadia in wonder.

Nadia smiled. "I may be an amnesiac, but I haven't forgotten about human nature." She picked up a lemon square. "No man who uses the word 'whilst' regularly is ever _quite_ secure in his masculinity. And besides, mocking Hikaru isn't a chore—it's a hobby." She glanced downwards and frowned. "Why should I cover it? It's not like I've got anything to be ashamed of…" She bit into her lemon square.

Actually it was quite good.

-----

Lt. Mar-Vell entered Captain Oni's quarters, a computer readout in his hands. "Miss Lum, I'm honored to report that we have selected your opponent for this world."

"Ahh," she said. "Let me see." She grabbed the readout from his hands, then glanced at it. A frown covered her face. "This was ready two hours ago."

Mar-Vell sighed. "You were in the middle of your bubble bath, Captain."

"Oh." A smile came over her face. "Well, I do like being squeaky cwean! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She went back to reading it, then snarled. She tore the readout into pieces, and threw the scraps to the ground. "Disgusting!" she spat. "Once again your "random" selection process gives me an opponent who's a joke!" She looked Mar-Vell commandingly. "I am sick of such contests. I yearn for a challenge! I am Lum Oni, Third Champion of the Oni Empire and Herald of Galactus! My yearning shall be quenched!"

Lt. Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Captain, we Kree have some experience with these Earthlings. While technologically backwards—and this is changing—they show a marked propensity for supernormal ability. Indeed, Miss Lum, I would say they rival even the Oni for this."

"Nobody rivals the Oni at anything!" shouted Lum confidently. "We are the natural rulers of all! You inferiors are only fit to lick our boots and do as we say!" She smiled at Mar-Vell. "Mind you, you Kree do a fantastic job of it." She gave him a thumbs-up. "Top marks from me!"

Mar-Vell nodded, his eyebrows narrowed. "I am… pleased you appreciate my—bootlicking services, Miss Lum."

"Also the 'doing as I say'," noted Lum appreciatively. "You're really good at that!"

Mar-Vell bowed. "Miss Lum, if you value my services, you won't risk yourself needlessly in the search of some ultimate challenge. You should realize that even the most insignificant opponent may pose a threat to you, and those of great power almost certainly will."

Lum raised her hand defiantly. "Lieutenat, I am Lum Oni! Time upon time have I faced my opponents, and each time they have fallen. And you would say I'm unprepared? You would deny me a glorious battle?" She pouted. "I haven't had one of those since I wiped out the Saiyin hordes single-handedly during the Frieza incident!" She smiled. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! That was fun! Especially the way they'd stand there grunting, for hours on end!"

"You relish in victories nobly won, Captain, but do not forget that duty comes before glory," said Mar-Vell.

"Nothing comes before glory!" shouted Lum. "Mar-Vell I seize at things that seem beyond my reach. That is the source of my legend!" Yeoman Una entered the room holding a tray. "Oh, goodie!" squealed Captain Oni. "My juice box!" She snatched it gleefully. "I just wuv my juicey-juicey-juice, yes I do." She sipped it gleefully.

Una glanced at Mar-Vell. "I hate it when she baby talks." Mar-Vell hushed her.

Lums finished her juice, and turned to the Kree. "Now then I want you to find me—A CHALLENGE! One worthy of the might that is Lum! Also I want a box of thin mints." She smiled. "Sweets for the sweetie, after all! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

-----

Miles away, Ataru Moroboshi paused in the middle of receiving a beating from the leader of the girl's volleyball team, and stared blankly into space. Ataru's 'girlfriend' Shinobu Miyake broke off explaining that of course Ataru hadn't meant anything offensive when he'd commented on the girl's "tremendous gazongas". "Ataru—what's wrong?"

"I sensed a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if a long-running comedy series cried out and was silenced." He glanced at a volleyball team member. "Oooh! Boobies!" He leaned forward to get a grope in. Shnobu sighed. Ataru had been acting funny—well, funnier—since he downed a bagful of hallucinogenic pills in the belief that they were candy.

-----

Nadia frowned. "This vegetarian platter is subpar," she said flatly.

Hikaru glanced up from his latte. "What's wrong?"

Nadia looked away, a touch of embarrassment on her face. "Not enough kelp."

"Nadia, most people would consider not eating kelp a plus," stated Hikaru.

Nadia stared at him. "You just had to finish those lemon squares!" she huffed.

"Don't rush me, woman!" declared Hikaru. "I take my time, but the results are usually worth it." He crossed his arms. "And I didn't see you passing up on them!"

"How could I?" muttered Nadia darkly. "They were sour. They were sweet. They were enchanting."

Miroku sighed. "You two are worse than Inu-Yasha and Kagome…"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Hikaru. "Kagome and Inu-Yasha squabble. Nadia and I banter. It's a completely different phenomena."

"What's the difference?" asked Miroku.

"Squabbling is what children do," answered Hikaru. "Banter is a more adult beast. Squabbling is a petting zoo—banter is a rogue elephant who snapped a tether and killed a coolie."

Nadia blinked. "Are all of your metaphors so… esoteric?"

"Usually," answered Hikaru.

"I think those of us who weren't lost at Hikaru's analogy were when you used the word 'esoteric'," said Miroku.

"Quiet!" said Inu-Yasha. "My head hurts!"

Nadia glared at them. "There is simply no appreciation for eloquence."

"Tell me about it," said Hikaru. "With this bunch, discourse is lowered to a sub-troglodyte level."

"I'm filled with pathos," said Nadia grimly. "Or possibly bathos. It's one of the the athos family." The pair sighed. The others glanced nervously among themselves.

Hikaru stared grimly at his drink. "You know, we'd have gotten there in plenty of time if Colonel Flag-waver hadn't shown up…"

Kagome looked at Hikaru and shook her head. "Captain Japan is a dynamic new superhero, Dr. Strange, worthy of our respect…"

Hikaru snorted. "Oh, sure, Captain Axis is all beer and skittles right now, but just you watch! Next thing you know, he'll be talking 'Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Spheres' while trying to annex Korea and introducing his new sidekick, Sergeant Swastika! Mark my words!"

There was an awkward pause. Kagome stood up. "You know what you need?"

"A Japan that fully owns up to the atrocities of the past, and can no longer be swayed by the brutal, fascistic symbols of Empire," answered Hikaru.

Kagome blinked. "I was thinking a frozen cappuccino."

Hikaru leaned forward bleakly. "Make it a mocha."

Kagome nodded and darted away. Nadia glanced at him. "I think you just scared every rational person within listening distance."

"They should be scared," said Hikaru. "The Black Dragon Party is out, in all its glory! Iron-plated soldiers have appeared on our streets! As well as a gigantic, hammer-wielding lesbian!" He shook his head. "Truly I fear for our nation."

Nadia chuckled. "And now I know you have…"

Miroku coughed. "You know Hikaru, it's a bit premature to be criticizing people whose actions we only know through second-hand reports and rushed newspaper articles…"

"Well, it's also a bit early to be giving them a standing ovation, but people seem to be doing that!" Hikaru glanced angrily at a pedestrian. "You make me sick! You want to be oppressed, you totalitarian dogsbody, don't you?" The passerby broke into a run. "That's right!" shouted Hikaru. "Run from the truth!"

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Hikaru!" said Miroku. "You can't mean that attractive gaijin is… odd—you just can't!"

"Miroku, firstly that woman practically has 'Female Steelworker' plastered to her forehead," said Hikaru. "Secondly, she isn't that attractive."

Nadia blinked. "You're kidding, right?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Personally, if I want over six feet of beef on a date I'll go to a steakhouse with a buffet…"

Nadia. glared at him. "I didn't think you were the type who disliked strong women…"

"Only the Bulgarian car type," Hikaru clarified. "You know—big, blocky, with the parts sized slightly wrong…"

Inu-Yasha shook his head. "Come on, Hikaru. This is catty even fer you…"

Hikaru sighed and slouched back in his chair. "Well, I'm just tired of doing so much and receiving so little, while others do so little and receive somuch…" A mild rain shower began. Hikaru glanced resentfully up at the sky. "Also, I'm tired of this outdoor restaurant, but that is something I expect to resolve shortly."

Nadia shrugged, as the rain began to cease. "It's not that bad." She looked at him. "And you're usually the last person to care what people think of you."

"And I still am!" shouted Hikaru. "I don't do this for applause, you know! Unlike the freaking Fantastic Four! But they and every other gloryhound in the city is getting famous on what I do while seeking no credit for myself! It is driving me to the brink of DESPAIR!!!"

Nadia shook her head. "Hikaru, I have to say, you're the only person I know who can be manic and depressive at the same time."

Hikaru looked at her bleakly. "You're an amnesiac, Nadia. You have no idea who you know."

Nadia smiled. "And that tells you how strong an impression you make…"

"Don't insult the Fantastic Four," came a slurred voice.

"Quiet, Kagome," snapped Hikaru.

"That—wasn't Kagome," said Miroku gesturing across the street.

Hikaru blinked. "You're right. I just assumed it was her on the grounds that it sounded very… Kagome-like."

"Well," continued the voice's owner belligerently, "It was actually very… Saori-like." The voice's owner was in fact a tall woman with purple hair. She sat at a table across the street, a large glass punctuated with a paper umbrella before her, her head resting on the tabletop. "Saori Kiddo. I'm good friends with the Fantastic Four." She sat up unsteadily. "They helped me turn my life around. I was in jail when they met me, living in the bottom of a liquor bottle—"

"And now you're living at the bottom of a fashionable glass of Banana Daquiri, presumably?" asked Hikaru pointedly. "Good lord, what a public service! Give the bastards another medal!"

"Hey!" shouted Saori. "I admit I may not quite have my life together yet, but now I'm trying!" She shook her head, and stood up. "That's what they did for me! Got me back in the fight! Trying again! And if you've got a problem with the Fantastic Four, you've got a problem with—MS. POWER!" She struck a martial arts pose.

Hikaru chuckled, despite himself. "I'm sorry. Just find your superhero name amusing."

Saori glanced around apologetically. "Look it's a hell of a lot better than Princess Power, which is what I started out in this business with…"

"How about Power Girl?" suggested Miroku.

"First off I'm twenty four, so calling myself 'girl' is not only stupid, it's insulting, and second, I never liked that name." Saori gave a puzzled shake of the head. "No idea why."

"So—what exactly does having a problem with Ms. Power entail?" asked Hikaru in slightly condescending tones.

"Me sticking to you like dogshit on your shoes, calling you up at odd hours to make statements that might be construed as threats, and possibly going medieval on your ass one day." Saori smiled. "And if me going medieval on your ass doesn't scare you, realize that I'm super-strong, my skin is nearly unbreakable, and my mother was Jun the Swan of the Science Ninja team, so I can break your neck in ten different ways."

"I remember that bunch," said Hikaru softly. "Wasn't Jun the designated hostage most of the time?"

"Well, yeah," said Saori awkwardly. "But that's mostly because Mom was an idiot, not because she was lousy at fighting…"

"So what is the difference between a science ninja, and a _ninja_ ninja?" he continued casually.

"Science ninjas dress up like birds, and use more explosives," answered Saori dourly.

"So why do you have powers? Weren't the science ninjas regular humans?" noted Hikaru.

"Except for Joe, yeah," muttered Saori. "But—well, mom was exposed to a lot of weird chemicals and rays over the years." She glanced around awkwardly. "I figure they might have had an effect. Though one time this old guy said I was the reincarnation of Athena. And then he said something about saints, and then he started singing old Beatle songs…" She looked at Hikaru frowning. "Okay, you're not quaking in fear."

"Nope." Hikaru waved his hand. "Allow me to introduce myself—Dr. Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts, Protector of the Mystic Walls, and so forth."

Ms. Power's eyes squinted blearily. "You some sorta Goth superhero?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No, Goth depression is cultivated. Mine is free-range."

As Saori stared ahead in mild shock, a man clad in a neon green shirt, and neon yellow bandanna that was doubling as a mask approached her holding a sheaf of papers. "Hey, Saori, I just got the lyrics and they prove I was right. Look—'They want to bring me in guilty for the shooting of a deputy—for the life of a deputy'. So see, someone else shot the deputy, possibly the sheriff, and they want him for that, not he shot the sheriff, and got caught by the deputy."

"This isn't the time to talk about it, Eikichi," murmured Saori.

"Who's this?" asked Hikaru. "Your houseboy?"

"My partner," groaned Saori.

"Eikichi Onizuka!" stated the living offense to the eyes. "Or as my enemies know me—the Great Hero IRON FIST!"

Hikaru stared and then started cackling. "I'm—sorry—I'm sorry—it's just—man those are lousy names…" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You guys should form a club—eh, Son of Satan?"

"Shut up!" groaned Inu-Yasha.

Onizuka glared at Hikaru, offended. "And who are you to judge?"

"Dr. Strange, apparently," answered Ms. Power.

"Really?" said Onizuka puzzled. He looked Hikaru over. "I heard he was some sort of praying mantis thing."

Saori followed his gaze. "You sure he isn't?"

Hikaru stared bleakly ahead for a moment, then sighed. "You know, the only thing keeping me from getting a press agent is my general sense of despite." He shook his head. "I just don't believe this. By what I've accomplished I should be as famous as any of these guys," he noted, pointing at a newspaper photo showing various members of Tokyo's superhero population. "Instead I'm sitting here trading quips at the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast version of superheroes. There is no justice in this world. No justice!"

A large green blur smashed into the street. "HULK WANT FLOWERS!"

Hikaru's head slammed onto the table. "Nadia?"

Nadia glanced at him. "Yes, Hikaru?"

"A quick lesson…"

"I'm listening…"

"Those who insist there is no justice often have justice violently practiced upon them."

Nadia glanced up at the bellowing Hulk. "With an emphasis on the 'violent' part in this case."

Hikaru looked at her. "I think you should write that down."

"Oh, I've no doubt I'll remember it…"

Onizuka clenched his fists. "Enough talk! Now's the time for ass-kicking!"

"Damn straight, Onizuka!" shouted Saori. The pair charged forward. "Hey, tall, green, and ugly," she yelled, peppering the behemoth's body with punches, "how you like these flowers—eh? How you like—"

The Hulk stared at the pair for a moment, then sent them flying with a casual flick of the hand. As Hikaru watched the two heroes slam into the wall, and turned quietly to the others. "You know, suddenly I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of euphoria." He stood up. "I wonder why?"

Inu-Yasha stood up. "We takin' down the giant?"

"Probably," stated Hikaru. Inu-Yasha nodded and charged forward. Seconds later, Hikaru watched him go sailing backwards. "You know I was going to say that this called for a bit of forethought."

"Now ya tell me…" groaned Inu-Yasha.

"That's right—now I do!" Hikaru flexed his hand.

Nadia smiled. "And what does your ample supply of forethought suggest?"

"A little bit of my favorite weapon—subtlety." Hikaru walked towards the Hulk, stopping a respectful distance away from him. "Hello! Now what is it I can do for you, you dear, dear man?"

The Hulk stared at him suspiciously. "Why ugly little man's friends attack Hulk?"

Hikaru's left eyebrow twitched slightly. He let forth a pleasant chuckle. "Most of them weren't my friends. And the one who is was confused. He acted without thought. I apologize for his actions. Indeed, I often do. Now, please tell me what you desire. I'm eager to help in any way I can." Hikaru smiled eagerly. "I'm a magician."

The suspicion in the Hulk's gaze did not abate. "Hulk want flowers for pretty hammer girl," the giant stated sullenly.

Hikaru nodded. "Then you'll want the flower district. That's a bit to the south of here."

The Hulk frowned angrily. "Hulk know that! That what last man tell him! Hulk head that way, but no find flowers!"

"Well, just head a little more south, and you will!" Hikaru grinned. "Honest! Cross my heart and hope to die!" The Hulk nodded dimly and turned to leap. Hikaru coughed. "That's north. The opposite of south…"

The Hulk glared at Hikaru angrily. "What magician talk about? Hulk know way to go!"

Hikaru's left eyebrow began to twitch again. "That's clearly not true…"

The Hulk snarled. "Magician calling Hulk STUPID?"

"Well with grammar like that you're definitely not Albert Einstein, tarnishlocks!" snapped Hikaru. He winced. That was a really bad thing to say.

The Hulk screamed and charged forward. "Hulk not stupid! Hulk smart!" He grabbed Hikaru roughly by the shoulders. "Hulk think magician is stupid! Hulk CRUSH stupid magician!"

Hikaru gulped. Okay, it was a really, _really_ bad thing to say. He took a deep breath. "Wait, I just remembered a story of great relevance!"

"Stop using big words! Stupid magician annoying Hulk!"

"I remember once, in a far away land, there was a friendly giant, just like you," said Hikaru, pointing at the Hulk.

"Like Hulk?" said the titan, intrigued.

"Yes, like Hulk!" Hikaru brought his hand in front of the Hulk's face. "And he wanted flowers for a beautiful maiden. And so he went to an enchanted field and plucked the biggest flower he could find." The Hulk nodded, interested. "But the giant forgot that flowers sometimes attract bees." Hikaru's hand darted forward and twisted the Hulk's nose.

"ARRGH!" screamed the Hulk, his hands going to his face. "Stupid magician make hand bee! Make hand bee and sting Hulk!" As the Hulk dropped him, Hikaru somersaulted off the giant's stomach, and scurried away.

Nadia glanced at him. "Things not go as planned?"

Hikaru glanced over his shoulder. "I was trying to work a little hypnosis on him—calm him down a bit. Make him less—angry. But Kermit over there—well his mind's like a room full of wolverines, being stung by hornets and hearing thrash metal with the volume turned up to eleven."

Nadia blinked as she watched the Hulk charge down the street. "That's a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru glanced around. "Where's Miroku?"

Nadia gestured across the street. "You have my moral support!" shouted Miroku from beneath a table.

"Figures," muttered Hikaru.

"Hulk smash stupid magician!" screamed the Hulk.

Nadia stepped forward. "That isn't to going to happen, my large friend…"

The Hulk snarled. "Puny girl going to stop Hulk?"

Nadia punched him in the stomach. The gargantuan figure sailed through the air for several hundred feet before hitting the pavement and bouncing three times. "Yes," answered Nadia calmly.

Hikaru glanced at her. "I take back sixty percent of what I said about you."

Nadia frowned. "Only sixty percent?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I have to leave you something to work for."

"My head hurts…" whimpered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk got back to his feet with little effort. "Puny girl almost as strong as Hulk," he muttered, the surprise in his voice evident.

Nadia rushed forward, toppling him with her shoulder. "No," she stated calmly. She grabbed him by the legs, and raised him over her head, twirling him around. "_As_ strong." She tossed the giant into the side of a building.

"Whoa. She is good." Hikaru glanced over to see Saori Kiddo brushing off some dust. "Is all your team that formidable?"

Hikaru smiled. "We aren't really a team, and to answer your question, no, they aren't, and also you're standing on one of them."

Saori glanced down. "Umm, sorry…"

"I'm gettin' up, I'm gettin' up," muttered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk rose up snarling from where he stood, and knocked Nadia back with a ferocious roundhouse blow, slamming her into a lamppost, which shattered. He struck her again, slamming her against the pavement, then tossed her through a window. "Puny girl NOT strong as Hulk!"

Nadia rose to her feet. She touched her mouth, and brought back her fingers bloody. She smiled grimly. "You split my lip, monster. That was a mistake." She kicked the Hulk's legs out from under him, only to lose her footing as the ground shook with weight of the giant's bulk landing on it. As she began to fall, an arm grabbed her.

"I thought you might need some help," noted Saori.

Nadia nodded, as she righted herself. "He's strong, but he's slow, and he isn't very bright. Aim for the legs and head—he unbalances very easily. The stomach and chest are basically like hitting a wall—not much effect. And remember, he may not be fast but he can cover a lot of ground quickly." She grabbed Saori by the arm, and leapt. The Hulk rushed screaming beneath them. "See what I mean?"

"Umm, thanks," said Saori. She coughed. "Umm—so—you fly?"

"Don't ask me how, I don't know."

"Puny girl cheat! She not fall when jump!" The Hulk tensed for a leap. "Hulk make fall!" There was the sound of a war yell. The Hulk turned.

"Prepare to die, ya big green bastard!" screamed Inu-Yasha, slashing with his sword.

The Hulk grabbed Tetsaiga as it descended towards his head, then yelped. "Oww! Ugly dogboy cut Hulk's hand!" He lifted up the blade, shook it like a rattle, then flung it away. Inu-Yasha, hanging on for dear life, got to experience the entire sequence of events.

The Hulk watched the half-demon recede into the distance with a satisfied look on his face. That look vanished when a large section of lamppost struck the back of his head. "If you want a fight, freak, you better be ready for one!" said Onizuka, twirling the broken section of lamppost in his hands.

"Hulk smash idiot man!" screamed the Hulk. Onizuka ducked under his blow then smashed his arm with the lamppost.

"You say that an awful lot," noted Onizuka calmly. "It's sorta annoying."

Nadia and Saori slammed onto the Hulk's back. The giant slammed into the pavement, dazed. Saori grabbed her partner and started yanking him away. "Onizuka, that is probably the most dumbass thing you've ever done, which means naturally that it is one of the most dumbass things ever done in the existence of the universe."

"Ahh, come on Saori," grinned Onizuka. "I had him."

The Hulk stood, growling in frustration. Nadia glanced at Saori. "All right—what powers does Iron Fist have?"

"Umm—he's a martial artist…"

"Trained in the mystic monasteries of Tibet, a master of secret chi techniques, that sort of martial artist?"

"No," answered Saiko. "Just a normal, 'black belt in judo' martial artist…"

"That isn't a power," pointed out Nadia nervously.

"Well, not technically, but the thing with Onizuka is—" began Saori.

"Eat it, greenie! Eat it!" shouted Onizuka bouncing the lamppost off the Hulk's head and catching it on the rebound.

"—He's completely insane," she finished. "But in a good way. I mean if you had two of this guy, you could probably conquer China…"

The Hulk knocked the piece of metal away and screamed. "Hulk REALLY, REALLY MAD NOW!" He swung at Onizuka who danced out of the way. "Hulk want flowers, but puny people keep hitting him!"

Hikaru stepped forward. "Well, now I know what to put in your Christmas stocking—a nice copy of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'." He shrugged. "It's not like I was using it for anything besides propping up my bookshelf…"

The Hulk took a deep, hateful breath. "Hulk really not like stupid magician laughing at him."

Hikaru shook his head. "Then this will really bug you, Godzookie." He gave a sudden shout and gestured forward. The Hulk hurtled through the air, and toppled into a large building marked 'Condemned'. Hikaru brought his hands together, then spread them apart. The building collapsed. Hikaru bowed. "Shazam."

Nadia stared at him. "So what happened to your favorite weapon—'subtlety'?"

Hikaru smiled enigmatically. "Sometimes the way of subtlety requires us to travel through the magical valleys of excess and overkill."

The Hulk burst snarling from the wreckage.

"And sometimes even they aren't enough," Hikaru muttered softly.

Nadia nodded. "I said it before, and I'll say it again—that is a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru watched the Hulk advance. "You know there's a part of me that hates this situation, and another which lives for it." He smiled as he took a fighting stance. "Guess which part is dominant right now?"

-----

"Magnificent," muttered Lum in the Tcha's control room.

Lt. Mar-Vell glanced up from the Imperial dispatches (where, he noted, Vash the Warlock's bounty had reached 60,000,000 wulong, easily surpassing the rewards offered for such infamous space pirates as Captain Harlock, Kagato the Mad God, Queen Emeraldis, Starfox, Ryoko the Demon of Destruction and her occasional partner Washu the Goblin). "What is magnificent, Miss Lum?"

"These warriors! Such skill! Such power! Why even the one under the table resonates with energy!" Lum stood up. "I have found my opponent!"

"Which one, Captain?"

Lum spread her hands triumphantly. "Why, all of them! I shall face all seven, in the most grueling contest in Oni history since Azuma the Might faced the Five Angry Monks of Rigel Seven!"

Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Do you think it is a good idea, Miss Lum? Facing seven opponents of such power?"

Lum scowled. "Not only is it a good idea, it's such a good idea that I'm going to reward myself for having it. Yeoman Una! Get me a fudge sundae! With cherries on top! And rainbow sprinkles! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" Mar-Vell sighed. There was, he felt, something inherently humiliating in having been conquered by a race who considered finger-painting the epitome of high art, and whose first extraplanetary rocket had consisted of balsa wood, and a great deal of gunpowder.

-----

As the Hulk's might form advanced, five figures readied for combat, their bodies tensing in preparation. Suddenly all six individuals vanished, as well as a seventh cowering under a table.

Kagome exited the café holding a glass. "I'm back, guys! You wouldn't believe the time I had getting this frozen cappuccino…" She glanced at the ruined street. "Umm, guys…?"

It should be pointed out that the sighting of the Hulk in an outdoor restaurant district was reported to the police, and placed on file with the other 2687 reported Hulk sightings, including in a movie theater, up a tree, and in a next-door neighbor's yard.

-----

Nadia glanced around the vast chamber they'd found themselves in. It was a dark, metallic place, with eerie glowing lights and platforms. On the level above them a small horde of people worked at terminals. "Where are we?" she asked quietly.

Hikaru's eyes darted nervously around. "Either onboard an alien spaceship, or attending the biggest, most technically advanced Gundam convention the world has ever seen."

On the gallery above them, a tall blonde man entered, and stood next to an empty throne that looked down on the Earthlings. "All present, stand at attention for Captain Lum Oni, Third Champion of His Royal Potentate the Munificent Emperor Jariten, Illustrious Head of the Oni Empire, and Herald of Galactus!"

The various crew members stood at attention as a tall voluptuous women wearing a tiger skin bikini and boots entered. Hikaru had to admit she'd be attractive if not for her green hair and horns. She glanced at the blonde man. "You forgot the Emperor's full titles, Lieutenant."

"There are over a hundred of them," noted the Lieutenant quietly.

"Well, just do the short version," said Lum cheerfully, as she took her seat.

"Of course," he said with a bow. "Hail Emperor Jariten! Lord of the Universe! Master of All! King of Uru! Son of Emperor Lan! Grandson of Emperor Han! Cracker of the the Ctarl-Ctarl! Slaughterer of the Skrull! Basher of the Baddoon! Shatterer of the Shi'ar! Terrorizer of the Tengu! Pulveriser of the Plodex! Destroyer of the D'Bray! Ruiner of the Raalgon!"

Lum glanced at him expectantly. "And—?"

The lieutenant took a deep breath. "Crusher of the Kree!"

"Very good, Mar-Vell! You made me so vewy happy! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru watched the childlike delight spread over Captain Oni's faced and shuddered. 'Never trust anyone who thinks they're cute' was one of his cardinal mottoes. He glanced at Nadia. "I think we're in trouble."

Nadia nodded. "I'll say." She gestured at Miroku. A blank, radiant stare was plastered to his face. "It looks like little Miroku is doing the thinking for big Miroku."

"There are two of him?" asked Lum curious.

"It's a figure of speech," muttered Hikaru quietly.

"What?" said Lum baffled.

"A metaphorical expression, Miss Lum," said an intelligent looking blonde woman sitting next to the Captain.

"Oh." Lum coughed. "Thank you Yeoman Una."

"Why you take Hulk in large shiny room?" bellowed the Hulk suddenly. Hikaru blinked. As odd as it might seem, he'd almost overlooked the ten foot green lunk. The Hulk seemed to have calmed down considerably, but then Hikaru doubted he had much in the way of a long-term memory. He also had no doubt that it wouldn't take much to get the lime-tinged lout started again.

"I'm glad you asked that!" squealed Lum. She stood up, and looked down at her captives imposingly. "Earthlings, you have been chosen to face me, the Herald of Galactus!" She brought out a whistle and blew it. Lt. Mar-Vell, and Yeoman Una spread a large diagram behind the Oni. Lum gestured at it proudly. "Yes, the Galactus Interstellar Raceway! Largest of its kind to be constructed! The Interstellar raceway that's fun for the whole family!"

"Remind me again why we're naming this after the Devourer?" whispered Una.

"It's part of Emperor Ten's 'Please Don't Eat Us' plan," answered Mar-Vell.

Una nodded. "An idea whose time has come."

"The Galactus Interstellar Raceway will be dedicated at our beloved Emperor Ten's fifth birthday party, after which the first race will commence," finished Lum brightly.

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Kinda… accomplished for a kid, ain't he?"

Lum glanced at him, then shook her head in shock. "My goodness," she tittered. "I had no idea how cute you were!" She stared at him adoringly. "The viewscreens really failed to capture your magnificence."

Inu-Yasha gulped, then fidgeted. "Uhh—right—could ya answer my question…?"

"For you, anything," sighed Lum adoringly. She smiled at him fondly. "The honorifics in Jariten's title refer to the conquest of his ancestors, who forged the Empire out of blood and terror. My cousin hasn't killed that many people! He's just a little boy!" She laughed. "The only people of note he's killed are his grandfather and his father, to secure the succession."

Nadia blinked. "He killed—both of them?"

"Yep," answered a smiling Lum. "And some inconsequential people who just happened to be there. The tough part, though was doing it in sequence. I mean, if he hadn't done that, his opponents may have disputed his claim 'cause his father wasn't emperor. Now they can't! Lan was emperor for the thirty seconds it took him to suffocate in the depths of space, and that's all there is to it."

Hikaru chuckled benignly, with perhaps a touch of nervousness. "Well that's very nice, Miss, and we appreciate the heads up on the raceway, so you can just take us back—"

"I'm not finished," stated Lum. She coughed. "Now, you have had the inconsideracy to place your planet in our desired path for the Raceway, so we are going to have to demolish it…"

Nadia frowned. "You're going to blow up the Earth?"

"To make a race track," noted Hikaru bleakly.

"I was getting to that," said Nadia.

Lum shook her head. "You two are making this sound so… petty. This is the biggest raceway in the universe! The fastest ship we possess will still take ten years to complete a single lap!"

Hikaru rubbed his temples. "So it's going to take ten years for your Emperor's fifth birthday party to end?"

"Oh no," said Lum shaking her head. "Seventy years. Give or take. It's a seven lap race."

Hikaru stared at her for a moment. "So does the fact that your emperor stands a good chance of being a great-grandfather by the time his fifth birthday party ends strike you as a tad—ridiculous, perhaps?"

"Not really," giggled Lum. "Why, Emperor Go's twelfth birthday party lasted one hundred years. It was followed immediately by his funeral." A frown touched her lips. "Actually he'd been dead for twenty years by the time it was finished. That made things rather awkward, I hear."

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "If I asked you, would you snap my neck?"

"Only if you gave me a cyanide capsule for afterwards," answered Nadia.

Hikaru stroked his chin. "I've got to consider that one."

"Come one!" said Lum in a tolerant tone. "It's not like we're dooming your species to extinction! We have every intent of moving a reasonable sample of your planet's inhabitants to that red planet right next to it!"

"Mars?" asked Hikaru flatly.

Lum looked at him blankly. Lt. Mar-Vell leaned over, and whispered into her ear. She blinked then nodded. "Yes, that's the one. Mars." She bit her lip nervously. "Mmm-hmm. Yeah."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Mars is a barren, cold, inhospitable wasteland with NO BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE!"

"Oh, complain, complain," said Lum. "The Shi'ar said the same sort of things when Emperor Gong took their homeworld for a pool game and we moved them to Vegar Seven! But that worked out great in the end! Didn't it, Ensign D'Ken?"

An officer glanced up. "Hell, these days we're so used to the random bombardment of lethal radiation, we wonder how we ever did without it!"

"Please kill me!" said his second head.

"Ha ha ha! Ignore 'Lefty'—it's all meaningless gibberish."

Nadia stared at Lum, her face stern. "What gives you the right to destroy our world in the first place, may I ask?"

"It belongs to us," answered Lum as if she was stating an obvious fact. "We own the universe."

"Really," stated Hikaru flatly.

"Oh, there are a few people who dispute our rule, and some hinterlands like this place where the natives have yet to be properly educated about how things work, but most of it's come around to realize the self-evident truth." She looked at her crew. "Isn't that right people?"

"Yes, Miss Lum!" they said in unison. "We are loyal to the Oni Empire, under threat of torture, and a slow hideous death!"

Hikaru was silent for a moment, then stepped towards a large red banner with a horned black circle on it. "This your flag?"

"Yep," chirped Lum. "The sacred symbol of our holy Empire."

Hikaru nodded, then blew his nose on it. As the honk echoed through the room, he strode away. "Sister, consider us thoroughly uneducated and uneducatable about how things work," he said quietly.

Lum clapped her hands gleefully. "Oh, goodie! I knew this would be fun! Teeheeheehehe-tcha!" She crossed her arms imposingly. "Know this, Earthlings! We Oni are neither unjust, nor arbitrary. We will grant boons to our subject peoples—_if they earn them_! Such is our decree to all our subsidiaries!" She frowned. "Except those filthy Skrull who are an abomination fit only to be destroyed." She glanced around nervously, then turned to Mar-Vell. "Are there any Skrull around?"

"No, Miss Lum. There are no Skrull around anywhere. At all. There haven't been for centuries. You Oni massacred them in a series of atrocities so horrific, that even we Kree, hereditary enemies of the Skrull, who loathed their very existence, were filled with pity and outrage at what had been done."

"So no Skrull?" asked Lum.

"That is correct, captain."

"If you say so," Lum muttered uneasily. She looked back at the Earthlings. "Now, then, as I was saying, the boons of the Oni are never given—they must be earned through a trial that tests the one thing we Oni respect—strength and cunning!"

"That's two things," pointed out Hikaru.

"That's what I said," replied Lum. "The two things we Oni respect." She blinked rapidly. "Two things." She coughed. "So, I challenge you seven to the contest in which they may be proven, the most beloved game of the Oni, the game at which I have never lost—TAG!"

Hikaru winced. "You know, I can perhaps accept a race of aliens called Oni who just happen to resemble the Oni of myth. But to accept that their favorite game is tag is stretching things…"

"Oh, I don't know," said Nadia. "It sort of matches their culture's general level of sophistication."

"Point," said Hikaru sorely.

"So, Earthlings, do you accept my challenge?" shouted Lum.

Hikaru glanced around. Nadia stared at Lum resentfully, fists clenched. Miroku was drooling in lust. Inu-Yasha was glancing around nervously. The Hulk was snoring, having apparently dozed off in the act of picking his nose. Iron Fist and Ms. Power were also drooling in lust.

"Look at those tiny horns," said Onizuka.

"And those great big knockers," added Saori.

Hikaru looked at Lum. "We accept."

"Excellent! To the arboretum!"

-----

It was a bit odd to see a fair-sized park on a space ship, complete with a small lake, but Hikaru's mind was used to shocks. "There is only one rule in this game—to win it, one of you must grab Miss Lum's horns," explained Lt. Mar-Vell.

"So, we could, theoretically, kill her," said Nadia slowly, "and grab her horns afterwards."

Mar-Vell nodded. "Kill, maim, bludgeon unconscious—all is permissible." He stared at them gravely. "Assuming of course, that you can manage it."

"And naturally that goes both ways," noted Hikaru.

"Naturally," said the lieutenant quietly.

Hikaru glanced around casually. "So, what happens if we lose?"

"You will be killed afterwards," said Mar-Vell. "As for your people, those who perhaps manage to survive relocation will receive all the benefits of the Oni Empire. Terror, and random brutality."

"Fantastic," said Hikaru. "We're playing the most dangerous game with the universe's biggest scale imperialists…"

Yeoman Una entered holding a large pot. "The captain bids her opponents refresh themselves on a hearty meal of Oni stew." She dropped the bubbling pot of greenish-brown ooze before the group. Most of them blanched.

"Smells like your coffee," muttered Saori to Onizuka.

"Hey—my coffee only puts _some_ people in the hospital." Onizuka glanced down at the stew. "That stuff will probably take out anybody."

The Hulk grabbed the pot, guzzled it down, then tossed it away. "Food good!" he said happily, followed by a burp.

Lt. Mar-Vell watched as the overturned pot ate a hole in the ground. "Mar-Vell to maintenance. Prepare for a potential hull breach in Section 23-E…" He glanced back at the Earthlings. "Now, in a normal match, you'd get seven days, but seeing are there's seven of you, that time has been cut to six hours."

"Shouldn't that be one day?" asked Hikaru sharply.

"That is also accounting for your exceptional abilities." Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Earthlings—I have only one more thing to say to you. Though I cannot influence the outcome of this contest—though I risk death even saying this to you—I HOPE YOU BLITZ THAT BITCH!"

Una gave an angry nod. "Take her down!" she yelled with a ferocious waving of her fist. "Take her down hard!"

"The contest begins—now," said Mar-Vell, as he and Una were teleported away.

Hikaru turned to his compatriots. "All right people, here's the plan. We spread out to locate Lum. I will use a simple telepathy charm so that if any of us sees her, they can notify the rest." He glanced at the Hulk. "Except for the Great Caesar's Salad, who can yell real loud. We branch out, while keeping our guard up—I've no doubt Miss Squeaky is going to try and ambush us…"

"I suggest we use teams of two," stated Nadia. "Except for the Hulk, who can best take care of himself, and is—ill-suited for teamwork." She glanced over her allies. "I suggest Ms. Power and Iron Fist, Son of Satan and Devil-Slayer, and of course, you and I."

"An excellent idea," said Hikaru. He glanced at the others. "What do you guys think?"

"Ooh, pretty flowers for hammer girl," said the Hulk, plucking a clump of what looked like sunflowers.

"Was that chick comin' on to me?" gulped Inu-Yasha.

"That tiger skin bikini," murmured a leering Miroku.

"What rhymes with Lum?" said Onizuka dreamily.

" 'Bum', 'thumb'—'rum'." Saori licked her lips. "Boy I could use a drink."

Nadia paled. "The world is doomed."

Hikaru nodded.

Onizuka waved his hand. "Relax—I heard you. I just don't see any reason why you should be the leader."

Hikaru crossed his arms. "Because I can yell continuously for twenty-five minutes, and thirty-seven seconds, without taking a breath, or getting hoarse."

Naida, Inu-Yasha, and Miroku all nodded. "This is true," said Miroku.

"We have timed him using scientific devices," noted Nadia.

"Well, now that we have a chain of command," said Hikaru, "that being me, then Nadia, then everybody else, we are all going to find Captain Oni and—"

"Hulk no hurt horn girl," declared the Hulk suddenly.

"What?" said Hikaru bleakly.

"Hulk no hurt horn girl. She not hurt Hulk. Hulk no like hurt girls unless they hurt Hulk first." The giant made a huge shrug. "Horn girl nice to Hulk. Give food! Pretty flowers for hammer girl!" The Hulk sheepishly raised his bouquet.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "If Hulk no hurt horn girl, pretty hammer girl probably die."

The Hulk frowned at Hikaru. "Stupid magician probably lie! He lie before! He make hand bee!"

Hikaru glared at him. "You know, stupid magician and Hulk like some ways. Stupid magician also get mad sometimes and smash things." Hikaru pointed to a nearby tree, his eyes glowing red. A burst of energy erupted from his finger, disintegrating the tree. "Him smash them good." Hikaru looked at the Hulk. "If Hulk no hurt horn girl, stupid magician get mad Hulk. Hulk comprende?"

The Hulk stared at Hikaru. He stared at where the tree had been. He stared at Hikaru. Thoughts, like glaciers, dimly etched their way across his mind. The Hulk gulped. "Hulk go find horn girl." He leaped away.

Saori and Onizuka stared at Hikaru. "Are you sure you're a superhero?" asked Saori nervously.

Hikaru smiled at her. "Actually, no, but people keep telling me I am, so I try to humor them."

"Heh, heh, heh," laughed Saori nervously. She gulped. "We better get going. Horn girls to find."

Inu-Yasha grabbed Miroku by the shoulder. "Us too…"

Nadia glanced at Hikaru after all their compatriots had quietly fled. "You picked up 'Hulk-speak' pretty fast."

Hikaru gave a dismissive shrug. "I've got a gift with tongues."

Nadia smirked at him. "That's something I'm going to have to check one of these days." She started walking away.

Hikaru had an impulse to blush but he suppressed it.

-----

Onizuka glanced at Saori. "This must be old hat to you…"

Saori shook her head. "Nah—I mostly faced muggers, thugs, and bank robbers, spiced up by the occasional monster or mad scientist." She frowned. "The League did have that whole 'Negaverse' invasion but I'd quit by then." She glanced at him. "Really, that's my mom's deal. She always had to deal with that crazy Gallactor bunch. Of course most of them were just common prison scum and mercenaries that Sosai X had recruited and dressed up in those gay Gallactor uniforms. Except for the leader, who was always some genetically engineered freak the evil bastard had manufactured." Saori's frown deepened into a scowl. "Mom's always going on about how she saved the world from an evil invasion." Saori waved her fist angrily. "From what mom? A hermaphrodite and a giant toddler? That's your rogues gallery? That?" She burst into tears. "I was never good enough, was I mom? You always had to make me feel small! Like I could never measure up to you! And now you wonder why I don't..."

Onizuka coughed. "Umm, bad time for an emotional outburst…"

Saori took a few deep breaths. "Sorry. It's the lack of booze. It's been awhile since I felt anything besides a comfortable numbness for any length of time. Having—you know—feelings again—it's making me cranky."

The grass around them rustled. The pair snapped to attention, glancing around nervously.

Nothing happened.

They relaxed. "You scared?" asked Saori.

"Damn straight," answered Onizuka.

Saori nodded. "Me too."

-----

"I'm tellin' ya, that girl was makin' eyes at me!" shouted Inu-Yasha in the tones of a man being dragged to a forced execution.

"Was she?" said Miroku. "I didn't notice."

"That's 'cause you were to busy oglin' her to pay attention to anything she actually said!" Inu-Yasha turned away. "Ya know, I actually wonder some times why we let ya stay with us. You mostly seem to just waste all our time!"

Miroku sighed. "Inu-Yasha, that is a cruel comment, but I for—"

Miroku's sentence was cut short by Lum's knocking him on the back of the head. Inu-Yasha turned and drew his sword, then charged at her, swinging. Lum leapt up, and landed on the blade, the rushed forward, and downed him with an uppercut.

The last words he heard were, "Sorry, darling", which inspired such terror in him that even the knowledge he'd been right was no comfort.

-----

Nadia and Hikaru turned. "Did you feel that?" asked Hikaru.

"Yes," said Nadia. "Well, time to get going. Watch my back."

"You make that sound like a chore," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at him. "Are you flirting with me?"

Hikaru blinked. "I guess I am. Wow. Now I know this is a genuine apocalypse." Nadia smiled at him as they headed off. A voice in the back of Hikaru's head told him to think about what he was getting himself into.

He managed to ignore it.

-----

"Here's Miroku," noted Saori.

Hikaru nodded. "Bring him over here." He picked up the sword. "Well, now we know she's got Inu-Yasha—he never drops Tetsaiga." He took a practice swing.

"That's the same sword?" asked Onizuka. "It's tiny. And beat up."

"There's a spell on it," said Hikaru, idly going through a sword drill. "Only one such as Son of Satan can wield it at its full power." He nodded. "Nice heft, I have to admit."

"This is my fault," said Nadia quietly. "I should have realized I was underpowering this team." She glanced at Hikaru. "It should have been one of us with Inu-Yasha and the other with Miroku. We're both powerful enough to handle her—it was foolish to pair us."

Hikaru looked at her. "Don't forget, I agreed with your ideas. I should have seen it too." He shook his head. "And I feel like an especial idiot for complaining about nobody paying attention to things, and then letting myself miss the obvious. That girl had an itch for Inu-Yasha any fool could see, and I managed to ignore the likelihood that she'd go after him first."

"Well," said Onizuka, cracking his knuckles, "let's go get him. I figure a little ass-kicking will make everything better."

Saori nodded. "Hear, hear…"

Nadia shook her head. "No—she's expecting this. That's one of the reasons she didd this—to unbalance us, and get us to act without thinking."

"So we just leave your friend?" asked Saori angrily.

Nadia shook her head. "No. We'll find him—that will be easy, because it's what she wants us to do. But when we do, we think things through, then attack." Her eyes closed. "It's the only way to win."

"Sub-Mariner's right," said Hikaru. "We have to remember, this is Captain Oni's game—one that she's never lost at." He shook his head. "We can't afford to think of her as merely a ditz. No matter how much that seems to be the case."

-----

"Teeheeheehee-tcha!" Lum smiled at the captive Inu-Yasha, as swung from the tree branch. "You know, when I wing this match, I'm going to have you spared, darling. You're so handsome, it'd be a waste to have you liquidated."

Inu-Yasha stared at her for a moment. "Yer one crazy dame, ya know that?"

Lum giggled. "You say the nicest things, my pwecious darling!"

Inu-Yasha blanched at being called darling, especially by a woman who'd him upside down from a tree, but then a thought hit him—he could use this. "Say, Lum—if ya love me, how 'bout ya don't destroy my home?"

Lum smiled at him fondly. "Oh my silly little darling! If I don't bwow up your silly ol' planet, then my cousin Ten'll kill me, which means you'll be sad, 'cause I'll be dead." She embraced him passionately. "See! I'm destroying the Earth because I love you!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "How 'bout you untie me…?" he whimpered desperately.

"After I win the contest," answered Lum calmly. "Don't want you cheating, now do I darling? Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Inu-Yasha shut his eyes. Okay, so his plan had failed. They usually did when you got down to it. Thinking wasn't his strong point.

There was a rustling in the bushes. Lum released the half-demon from her embrace, and glanced towards them. "Oh, look darling! One of your fwiends is here!" The Hulk burst from the bushes. Inu-Yasha gulped. He hoped the ugly green jerk had forgotten about his hand.

-----

The Hulk glanced at the horn girl, and the ugly dog boy. For a moment, he wondered what to do. But the Hulk was a simple soul. Striking visual images were what stuck with him. Like the pretty hammer girl. Or the tree that the stupid magician had smashed.

The Hulk gulped. He didn't want the stupid magician to smash him. He charged at the horn girl and swung. The Hulk blinked. The horn girl had leapt onto his arm when he'd swung at her, and was presently perched quite easily on it. The Hulk frowned. That was wrong. When the Hulk swung at things, he hit them, and then they got smashed. The horn girl not doing that reminded him of his stupid enemy, who also did the wrong thing, and didn't get hit. The Hulk really hated his stupid enemy. Snarling, he swatted at the horn girl. She leapt onto his other arm, causing the Hulk to hit himself.

It hurt. It hurt worse than when the stupid magician had made his hand a bee.

-----

Hikaru and Nadia were the first to trace the Hulk's bellowing to its source. When they got there, Nadia blinked. "Is she getting the Hulk to beat himself up?"

Hikaru nodded. Captain Oni was standing on the Hulk, peppering him with a few blows, then leaping out of the way so that the giant hit himself. "It definitely looks like it."

"-And for the last time, I'm telling you if you're going to get touchy, you can carry yourself," said Saori.

"But my injuries," moaned Miroku.

"Whoa!" said Onizuka. "Is she gettin' the Hulk to beat himself up?"

"It's been noted," said Hikaru and Nadia simultaneously.

Hikaru blinked. "Oh, great, now I'm starting to resemble you."

Nadia glanced at him. "I don't see any color coming into your cheeks."

"That takes a lot of effort," answered Hikaru.

Lum finally stood still just a second too long, and was caught by a wicked blow that knocked her to the ground. The Hulk grabbed her and squeezed. "Horn girl make fun of Hulk! Hulk CRUSH!"

Hikaru blinked. "Damn. The Pistachio Ponce might just win this one."

"If he remembers to grab her horns," noted Nadia.

"Not necessarily. We can just grab them on whatever carcass is left when he's finished."

Saori blinked. "Boy, you're cruel."

"Nah," said Hikaru. "Just Machiavellian."

"I hate to say it," said Nadia quietly, "but if it comes down to her life and the uncounted billions of Earth—then she will die."

"And let's not forget we'll be de saving whatever the next stop is on the Galactus Raceway Love Tour," noted Hikaru.

Lum strained against the Hulk's fist. "Horn girl not like get crushed, do she?" said the Hulk sternly. Suddenly Lum shot out a blaze of energy. The Hulk screamed and released her. Lum continued to shoot bolts at him. Finally, she pressed her hands into the giant's chest. The Hulk groaned weakly and collapsed. Lum stood over the mammoth form triumphantly.

"Not particularly," she noted.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru.

"Let's strike now!" said Nadia. "She's still recovering."

"Did you see what she just did?" yelled Saori.

"I saw," said Nadia calmly, leaping into a sprint.

Hikaru shrugged. "Follow me, mes pards. Follow me…"

Nadia rushed at Lum, striking her solidly in the chest. Lum tumbled backwards, then caught her balance and leapt to her feet. She swung at Nadia, a skilled blow Nadia just narrowly dodged. Nadia struck at Lum gingerly, only for the Oni warrior to ward off her blows using only her left arm. Lum made a quick crescent kick that Nadia narrowly ducked under, only to be suddenly knocked off balance. A hand made a quick grab at her horns as she fell. Lum recovered and made a sweep kick that her opponent leapt over. She stood up, smiling. "You are good," she said. "I felt no hint of your presence."

Hikaru frowned. "Oh, thanks. I was hoping to beat you, but your faint praise is payment enough."

Lum smiled at him, then glanced at Nadia. The Sub-Mariner's mouth clenched. "I chose you well," muttered the Oni. She raised her hand, and waved them in. Hikaru and Nadia rushed together as one. Lum dodged the flurry of blows coming at her in two directions, then took to the attack. Hikaru and Nadia avoided her strikes, looking for openings. Suddenly, a fist slammed into Lum's back, knocking her forwards. She did a handspring as she fell, and twisted midair. She turned to look at Onizuka, Saori behind him.

"The first thing the Great Hero Iron Fist learnt in streetfighting was—always watch your back."

Lum smiled, then charged forward. She and Saori met with twin blows, both fighters being knocked back by their opponent's force. Lum regained her balance first. She was about to charge at the still-unbalanced Ms. Power when Hikaru and Nadia leapt at her. She wielded off their attacks breath coming fast, as Saori and Onizuka joined the grand melee. With the grace of a master warrior, Lum dodged what blows she could, and cagily absorbed those she couldn't. Finally four blows connected at once. Lum stiffened to remain standing, then smiled. A circle of energy emanated from her, knocking her opponents back. She gathered more energy to her, readying a blast. As she let it loose, Hikaru created a shimmering wall before him and his companions, blocking the blast. Lum was knocked backwards in the backlash, tumbling to the ground.

She stood up, unsteadily. The four heroes stared at her quietly. Lum shook her head, smiling. "Magnificent," she muttered, then soared into the air.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru softly.

"You say that an awful lot," muttered Nadia.

"Well, at least it means what I think it means," noted Hikaru.

"Umm, guys," muttered Onizuka. "It's the Hulk. He's hurt—really bad." He paused. "I think that blast—well even he—he's breathing funny."

Hikaru turned to the fallen titan. "Well, just let me take a—oh, boy." He stared at the Hulk quietly. "Green Genie really took a pounding for us, didn't he?" He knelt beside him. "Well, we'll have the Day-Glo Dimwit back to his relative normal in no time."

"You're going to heal that thing?" said Saori incredulously.

"He was hurt fighting on my side," said Hikaru harshly. "I owe him." He touched his hand, a gentle blue glow emanating from it, to the Hulk's chest.

"He's a living thing, Ms. Power," said Nadia softly, "with as much right to live as any other creature. He simply cannot help his nature. Poor beast. I pity him. It is a terrible thing to be panicked, and alone, to be surrounded by millions, and see no friendly face." She nodded quietly. "I know that—very well."

"There," said Hikaru. "You don't need much help, do you, you neon numbskull? Just a gentle nudge, and you're on your way…"

The Hulk sat up unsteadily, and shook his head. He looked at Hikaru in wonder. "Stupid magician help Hulk," he muttered. "Why he do that?"

"Hulk get hurt helping stupid magician," answered Hikaru. "Stupid magician feel obligated. He like that." The Hulk nodded dimly.

"Umm, guys," said Inu-Yasha. "First, I'd really like outta this tree. Second, the psycho bitch is comin' back."

Hikaru glanced up to see Captain Oni soaring towards them. He glanced at Nadia. "Shall we?"

"Why, shan't we?" she replied. The pair stood up, and took to the air.

"He can fly?" said Saori.

"He can fly," answered Inu-Yasha "Now some help here…"

Hikaru and Nadia met Lum in the air. Lum twisted, dodging their fists, then rolled beneath them. As the pair watched, she sped past them. "She's fast," said Nadia.

"She's readying a bolt at the ones on the ground."

"Odds, bobs, hammer, and tongs," said Nadia, slapping her forehead. "We rose to her bait, again." She glanced at Hikaru. "Can you set up a barrier?"

"At this distance? Not with any reliability," answered Hikaru.

"And I don't think either of us is fast enough to catch up with her," said Nadia sourly.

"We don't have to be." Hikaru cupped his hand to his mouth. "Guys! She's getting ready to attack you!" He looked at Nadia. "Ventriloquism. Not the most handy power in the world, but it has its uses."

The five allies on the ground glanced up, as Miroku finished untying Inu-Yasha. "Think you can make it," Saori asked Onizuka.

"Probably," he answered. Before any of them could run, however, something surprising happened.

The Hulk leapt into the air, knocking into Lum. The pair fell from the sky, Lum's charge fizzling, and plunged into the park's lake, some ways away. Nadia and Hikaru touched down on the lakeside. Hikaru glanced to the other side. "Lum is dragging herself out of the lake. She looks bedraggled, but fine."

"And the Hulk?"

Hikaru blinked. "The big green dope is now a big green pig."

Nadia's eyes widened in surprise. "Can pigs swim?"

"Not especially well."

Nadia nodded, and leapt in. She emerged a moment later, holding the large, panicking green pig. "It's all right," she whispered. "It's okay…"

As she set it down, Hikaru glanced it over and nodded. "Jusenkyo," he muttered quietly, and pulled a thermos out of his cloak. Nadia glanced at him. "My coffee," said Hikaru. "I need the occasional caffeine fix. And by occasional, I mean regular."

"What else do you keep in that cloak?" asked Nadia.

"Wouldn't you like to know," said Hikaru, unscrewing the thermos top. He poured some coffee onto the pig.

It was instantly the Hulk again.

"How'd you—?" began Nadia.

"Magicians don't reveal trade secrets," answered Hikaru. "Even stupid ones."

"Magicians or secrets?" asked Nadia.

"Both."

The Hulk blinked at them. "You save Hulk," he said pointing to Nadia. "How puny girl do that?"

"Puny girl fish girl," answered Hikaru.

The Hulk glanced at him. "Fish girl." He shook his huge head. "Stupid magician make Hulk Hulk again. He keep helping Hulk. Why he do that?"

"Stupid magician got many reasons," answered Hikaru. "Like say, stupid magician Hulk like many ways."

"How?" asked the Hulk plaintively.

"Stupid magician know what like have people hate you for face," answered Hikaru earnestly.

The Hulk mulled that over. "Stupid magician not hate Hulk?"

"No. Stupid magician not hate Hulk."

"Stupid magician—friend Hulk?"

Hikaru was quiet for a moment. "Yes," he finally nodded. "Stupid magician friend Hulk."

The Hulk stared at him, then clasped Hikaru tightly to his shoulder. "Stupid magician Hulk friend!"

"Easy, Gruesome," chuckled Hikaru. "Stupid magician need air to stay friend…"

The Hulk glanced at Nadia. "Fish girl also friend?"

Nadia hugged him. "Yes, Hulk. Fish girl also friend."

The Hulk smiled. "Nice have friends."

Saori came around a tree and blinked. "What—?"

"Just making friends," said Hikaru, extracting himself from the Hulk's grasp.

"So," said Inu-Yasha, joining them, "what do we do now?"

Hikaru looked over the gathering crowd. "I'll tell you what we do. We stop fighting Captain Oni on her terms, which is what we've been doing. Those are the terms she's been winning on, and if we fight on them, we lose." Hikaru frowned. "I think I speak for every manjack of us when I say I'd rather die twice then see Earth destroyed for the pleasure of what appears to be the most cretinous race in the universe. Am I right?"

There was an almost universal nod. The Hulk sniffled.

"What's wrong, my good green Gargantua?" asked Hikaru.

"Hulk lose flowers for pretty hammer girl," he whimpered.

Hikaru reached into his cloak and pulled out the Hulk's crude bouquet. Nadia stared at him. "Okay, now how did you do THAT?"

"I'll tell you later," said Hikaru. "Now, I've got a plan, and as everyone who knows me can tell you, the plan I get after getting pounded by these guys for nearly an hour usually works." He meditatively stroked his chin. "I have no idea why. I think it's the blood rushing to my head."

-----

Inu-Yasha and Nadia glanced at Lum, busily stretching in a clearing. "Well, there she is," said Inu-Yasha. "Just like I said she'd be…"

"That is correct," said Nadia, limbering up her hands.

"I don't see why yer the one fightin' her," said Inu-Yasha.

"Because I can last the longest, and fight the best," answered Nadia. "I respect you Inu-Yasha, but you're more a powerful fighter than a skilled one. And this job will require skill."

Inu-Yasha frowned. "She could kill ya, you know."

Nadia smiled. "I'm aware of that fact. Now go join Hikaru. He's counting on you." Inu-Yasha nodded and darted away. Nadia took a deep breath, and strode forward. "Captain Oni! I challenge you! This fight is not over!"

Lum turned. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! Why it's the Sub-Mariner! I was hoping to fight you again! You're very good!"

Nadia crossed her arms. "Good? I'm a master warrior, and a brilliant tactician. I'm as strong as a hundred men, and as fast as a hundred winds. I'm in a class by myself." She smiled at Lum condescendingly. "Now, you child, are merely good."

Lum smiled. "Oh, goodie! Trash talking!" She took a fighting pose. "So, Miss Sub-Mariner, if I'm just good, how come I was able to hold you off when you had three fighters on your side?"

"Because then I had to worry about them." Nadia shook her head. "And now there's just me."

Lum giggled and charged forward. Nadia ducked down and tripped Lum as she passed. Lum rolled a ways, then leapt to her feet. Nadia ran off, being careful not to make it obvious she was leading Lum on a predetermined course. Nadia smiled. Once again, bait was being offered, but this time, Lum was the one taking it.

-----

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru. The sorcerer was sitting cross-legged, eyes shut. Before him sat the Book of Vishanti. Inu-Yasha looked at it. On it was some nonsense about 'the prison of the self'. Somehow, reading self-help nonsense didn't seem to helpful to him. He looked at Hikaru. "What're ya doin'?"

"Approaching stillness. Appreciating silence. Now hush."

"Aw, come on," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Leave him alone," said Miroku. "He's entering into _deep_ meditation."

"You can tell?"

Miroku nodded. "I am a monk. Those are advanced techniques—indeed, I believe they represent the height of the adept. These are the methods of a master."

"Wow," said Inu-Yasha. "What are they called?"

Miroku paled. "I, uh, really didn't progress far enough in meditation myself to know their names. However, when the big wheels at the monastery meditated, they did it the way he does."

Inu-Yasha stared at Miroku for a moment. "Ya really sucked as a monk, didnchya?"

Miroku sighed. "Sadly, yes."

-----

Nadia and Lum traded blows on the dusky field. As their arms locked, Lum smiled. "You really are a master," she said cheerfully.

Nadia kicked Lum in the shin, and threw her forward. "First rule of being a master," she said, walking towards the fallen Oni. "Don't distract yourself."

Lum leapt up, kicking Nadia in the head, then grabbing her arms, and tossing Nadia over her shoulder. She turned. "Second rule," said Lum. "Just because your opponent's fallen, don't assume they're down."

Nadia grinned up at her. "Seems like you haven't learned that one, Captain."

A boulder slammed into Lum, knocking her down. Several others followed it.

"Stupid horn girl hurt fish girl! Hulk smash stupid horn girl!"

Saori glanced at the jade giant, as she hefted another boulder at the struggling Oni. "You know, I could learn to like you."

"Banzai!" shouted Onizuka. "Another perfect pitch from the Great Hero Iron Fist!"

Lum tottered as the boulders smashed into her. "Slowing down, Captain Oni?" taunted Nadia. She leapt at Lum, her hands reaching for the Oni's horns. The disorientated girl ducked down, sending Nadia streaking towards the next incoming boulder. Nadia gave a startled cry and punched through the stone. It was a moment's delay, but it was all Lum needed. The Oni summoned up a blazing sphere of energy that disintegrated the boulders as they rushed towards her.

"I'm just getting started, Sub-Mariner," stated Captain Oni with a determined smile.

Nadia nodded. Attempt number one was a failure. But there was still attempt number two…

She crawled towards the cairn of stones Hikaru had put up for just this purpose, and knocked them over.

-----

Hikaru's eyes snapped open. "It is time." He glanced at Inu-Yasha and Miroku. "Go to our ambush. You might be needed." The pair nodded and dashed off. Hikaru shut his eyes and began to chant.

----

Lum laughed. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! This is the best you got? Why my decrepit old grandmother was in better shape the day she died!" Lum shook her head sadly. "Ten told her not to go aboard the ship…"

At that moment, the sky darkened. A black cloud appeared. A bolt of lightening streaked down, striking Lum, and sending her sprawling.

The fact that this was in an artificial environment on board a space ship only made it more remarkable.

As Lum got to her feet, she was startled to see Hikaru Gosunkugi standing there before her. "Where'd you come from?"

"Everywhere—" answered Hikaru.

"—And nowhere," answered a second Hikaru that appeared next to him.

"Being!" shouted a third.

"And nonbeing!" a fourth.

"Darkness!" another.

"And light!" came the answer.

"I come from magic!" the gathering throng of Hikarus shouted, as they began to march towards Lum. The Oni gulped and flared up her protective shield of energy. The Hikarus pressed against it, seeming to grown incorporeal. "Magic in life! Magic in death! Magic in strife! Magic in breath!" As Lum began to scream, the Hikarus transformed into an inky black sphere that engulfed her.

A wan Hikaru flickered into existence. He shook his head, tired. "So, now it ends," he muttered. He limped towards the sphere. "Release the head." Lum's face emerged from the black globe. It was quickly followed by her fist, crackling with energy, which knocked Hikaru away. Lum fell to the ground as the sphere dispersed. She remained there, breathing heavily.

"Hikaru!" shouted Nadia. She grabbed his limp body and lifted her up in her arms, carrying him away from the hyperventilating Oni.

"Don't mind me," he said weakly. "Grab the horns."

"Hikaru, if you're there when she comes to, we're probably just as dead."

"Don't necessarily blame her for that," muttered Hikaru. "My head—too much magicking—and I teleported on top of that…"

"You want to throw up?" asked Nadia.

"Not need—want," corrected Hikaru. "Need and want are different things."

"Stupid magician not talk," said the Hulk with surprising gentleness. "Him real hurt."

Hikaru glanced around at his gathered allies. "Who's—taking care of Captain Oni?"

"You covered that," answered Nadia calmly.

Lum slowly stood to her feet, her face now scowling. She made a tottering effort to stand upright, and then managed to step forward. Then a large staff hit her in the back. She fell to the ground. Miroku deftly rolled in front of her, and readied his hand to strike.

"That's it Miroku!" shouted Hikaru. "Grab them!" The hand struck. Hikaru winced. "Wrong them."

Lum blinked in outrage. After a few seconds in utter shock, she screamed, "You—filthy PERVERT!" and smacked Miroku in the face.

It was a moment's distraction—not much, but enough for Inu-Yasha to rush in behind her and grab Lum's horns. Lum's eyes once again widened in shock. "You beat me," she gasped.

"That's right, Cap'n," smirked Inu-Yasha.

"Do you know what this means?" asked Lum slowly.

"Ya ain't gonna blow up Earth," snapped the half-demon.

"Well, yeah," admitted Lum. "But you have to marry me!"

If the expression on Inu-Yasha's face had been photographed, it could have been used in the dictionary next to 'horror'.

-----

"Well there, boy," said Admiral Invader, Lum's father, and First Champion of the Emperor, "I hope you decide to do what's right by my daughter."

"Shove her down a well?" muttered Inu-Yasha quietly. Hikaru gave him a quick jab in the side. The oni it seemed, had an interesting custom as regarded marriage. If a male beat a female (or vice versa) at their version of Tag, it was considered an offer of betrothal. If the loser accepted, then they were considered engaged. Of course, the winner could always refuse, but doing so marked both of them with great social stigma.

Somehow, Hikaru thought Invader would gladly blow up the Earth if his daughter was summarily jilted.

Invader glanced Inu-Yasha over one more time. "Well, can't say I approve, but as long as you're happy," he said distractedly. "At least this takes care of the Rei situation."

"An' don't I know it, Daddy!" chattered Lum.

"Now, off of matters of the heart, and onto matters of the Empire," continued Invader, a grave tone to his voice. "The Earth is now one of the protected sections of the Oni Empire, under its own jurisdiction, and untouchable even by the Emperor. This matter shall stand unless another challenge is made, and the Earth fails. Furthermore, if any challenge is issued, Earth may choose her own protectors, and they shall be seven in number." He stared at them. "You've won a great victory for your world, Earthlings. You have my respect."

"And mine!" giggled Lum. "The best darn match I ever had, even if I did lose!"

"Silence, Captain," said Invader harshly.

"But Daddy—"

"I am speaking as your superior officer Lum, not as your father. You have failed Empire, and Emperor. You have ruined the plans for the Galactus Raceway, and you have destroyed your own reputation." He took a deep breath. "Only three times has an Oni champion so humiliated themselves in a matter of such importance."

"The first was Ro against the Skrull, and he willingly subjected himself to a second challenge, was victorious, and killed himself. And so his name is forever honored."

"The second was Chai against the Ctarl'Ctarl, who chose exile and shame, dying in dishonor and disgrace. And so the name of Chai is forever anathema."

"The third was Bo against the Puchuus, and of his fate, like the Puchuus themselves, we do not speak, save in a hushed whispers in the dead of night."

Lum, despite her natural cheeriness, gulped. "Well, if I just do what Ro—"

"Beat them and kill yourself?" Invader snorted. "Thanks to your vanity, you've given Earth such an advantage that even you could not win. And you are our greatest champion." Invader sighed. "For you, daughter, is the path of Chai."

Lum shuddered. "You're—exiling me?"

"Yes, Lum, that is exactly what I'm doing. You are deprived of command immediately. You will depart from this vessel, and begin your life among the creatures whose virtual invulnerability you helped create."

"Leave… my ship…?" Lum's voice seemed laden with shock.

Invader shut his eyes. "As a father, Lum, I wish you well. As your commander, and a citizen of the Oni Empire, I wish you a horrifically painful and long death. To those parts of me, you are no longer Oni—you are anathema." He nodded. "Goodbye." As the screen faded out, Hikaru heard him shout. "Are you _sure_ there are no Skrull here?"

Lum was silent for awhile, then coughed awkwardly. She glanced at her former opponents. "So—any of you know a place I can stay?"

Mar-Vell and Una gave each other a high-five.

-----

Kagome sat in Hikaru's den. "Oh guys, where are you?"

At that point seven people materialized next to her. "Hikaru! Inu-Yasha! Nadia! Miroku!" Her gaze lingered for a moment on Saori. "Princess Power?"

"It's 'Ms. Power' now, but yeah," said Saori embaressedly.

Kagome clutched her hand eagerly. "Oh, wow! I'm your biggest fan!" She squealed. "To think I'm holding the hand of prominent superhero and former League of Magical Girls member Princess Power!"

Saori was looking at her approvingly. "I hear you're a superhero yourself. If you ever want some—hands on training…"

"Statutory," coughed Onizuka.

"Come by in a few years," she finished sourly. She turned and gestured to Onizuka. "This is Iron Fist, my loudmouth partner."

Kagome shook his hand idly while keeping eye contact with Saori. "Nice to meet you, and I am going to take you up on that invitation someday, Ms. Power."

"It'll be a pleasure," cooed Saori, as Onizuka either coughed or giggled into his handkerchief.

Kagome grinned. "And remember, the next time you're on a job, and you need help, you can always count on—THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!"

"No, Kagome."

"Fine," she sighed. "The presently unnamed group of superheroes."

"Well," said Onizuka, "I'd like to think the same thing goes in reverse." He reached into his pocket, and handed Hikaru a card. The card showed two fists striking each other. One said 'Iron Fist', the other 'Ms. Power'. Beneath them was the words 'Heroes for Hire' and a phone number. "Call us some time," noted Onizuka. "When you need us. Or—whenever." He smiled. "And remember we owe you one."

"You two were as much help as anybody, Onizuka."

The hero chuckled and shook his head. "Thanks, but I know we were just tagging along for the ride. Saori and I really aren't cut out for this cosmic stuff. We're more local."

"Well—thank you," said Hikaru quietly.

Saori shook her head. "You know, when I met you I thought you were a hopeless whiner."

"And I thought you two were reckless drunks," answered Hikaru. "We were both right, but we also both more fundamentally wrong." He smiled. "Take care you two."

The pair nodded, and walked out the doorway. Saori glanced at Onizuka. "Now why'd you tell him we owed him? He'll be getting a freebie now."

"Oh, lay off willya? It'll even up." Onizuka shook his head. "Man, Ryuji will never believe this."

Saori chuckled. "That's because you used to tell him all those alien abduction stories…"

"Those were true, damn it!"

Nadia smiled. "Hard to imagine those are the same two people we fought the Hulk with."

Hikaru chuckled, then froze. "Say—speaking of the Great Green Gobstopper, where is he?"

"Oh, don't worry," said Lum. "My crew dropped him off, as per his directions." Nadia and Hikaru glanced at each other worriedly.

-----

The Hulk glanced around his destination, puzzled, pretty flowers in hand.

It seemed a lot colder than he remembered.

A pair of passerby gawked at him. "Crikey Wallace! Look at that green bloke! He's a tall drink of water, eh?"

"Bob's your uncle, Jack. Bob's your uncle."

The Hulk blinked and then leapt from Trafalgar Square as he started the long way back home.

-----

"That poor green bastard," muttered Hikaru.

"He'll be fine," said Nadia soothingly.

"Sure," mumbled Hikaru. "What trouble can a feebleminded green giant with a noble spirit and a hair trigger temper get into?"

"Ahem," coughed Kagome. "Who is _that_ woman?" she asked, pointing at Lum, who was clinging affectionately to Inu-Yasha.

Miroku coughed. "Going upstairs, watching a movie."

Lum glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Darling, who is this shrill girl?"

"Darling?" said Kagome in deadly tones.

"All will be explained," said Hikaru. "For starters, this is Lum Oni—your new houseguest!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "I thought you were gonna take her…"

"Nope, I got the last two," said Hikaru bluntly. "I want to share the love, so this one's yours. Because that's the kind of guy I am! Generous." He glanced at Kagome. "Inu-Yasha can fill you in on the details."

Lum giggled. "Ooh, I'll help! Anything for my pwecious darling! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Inu-Yasha," drawled Kagome, "the dining room. Now."

"I hate you," whimpered the half demon as he left with Lum in tow.

"I know," said Hikaru. "I'm bad. I'm nationwide. Now go have fun."

As the door shut, Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Aren't you a little worried about this?"

"SIT!" came Kagome's offended voice.

"Oh, my poor widdle darling," cooed Lum.

"They'll work something out," said Hikaru calmly.

"You're probably right," said Nadia. "So you want to—go get a soda? Or something?"

Hikaru glanced at her uneasily. "Nadia—I'm interested in—someone else. A girl I know."

Nadia stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. "You thought I was—" She smiled and shook her head. "Oh—come on!" She laughed quite hard. "I just wanted—you know to relax. As friends." She walked away very quickly. "I mean, really, why would I be interested in a guy like you?" Nadia bit her lips and headed upstairs. "Jerk," she muttered in a tone she thought Hikaru couldn't hear. In fact, he could. A part of him wanted to follow her and tell her something. But even that part of him couldn't think of anything to say.

"Hey, Hikaru!" said Kagome. "Want some lemonade? I made it while I was waiting for you guys."

Hikaru nodded. "Sounds great." He glanced at her. "How are things between you and Inu-Yasha?"

"We've reached an understanding," she said slowly. "I've understood all I want to, and now I'm not listening."

"Why, Kagome," said Hikaru fondly. "I believe you just cracked a joke. I guess I'm rubbing off on you."

"I hope so," said Kagome wistfully. "I wish I was more like you sometimes. You always know something clever to say."

"That isn't always the case," he muttered softly. "In fact, it used to be I could never figure out anything to say." He shook his head. "No, that's wrong. I usually could—I just didn't have the guts to say it." He glanced at her. "Which is an area in which you've rubbed off on me." Hikaru smiled. "So I guess we're both helping each other." He laughed. "It's funny—I learned a lot today. I learned I can work with people I may not initially like, earn their respect, and come to respect them in turn. And yet, when I look back, I see this is a lesson I've been learning for some time now." He shook his head. "It's sure been one odd month."

"So," said Kagome hopefully, "does this mean you take back all those mean things you said about Captain Japan?"

"Hell no. I hate that fascistic bastard." Hikaru frowned severely. "I mean, really? How am I supposed to respect someone who names their sidekick 'Bucky'?"

-----

NEXT CHAPTER

LUM: Hey people! Naturally, after such an exciting chapter, you're wondering how they're going to top this one! Well, they aren't even going to try! Next chapter is some boring 'introspection' and a change-of-pace, slice-of-life sort of thing, so if you just want to skip it for the chapter after that, well, I don't—HEY!

KAGOME: What are you talking about? Next chapter is great! Folks, I know I wasn't in this one very long, but next chapter—I'M BIG! I'm practically narrating it! You'll get to see my thoughts, hear my viewpoints! It'll be—OUCH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!

LUM: Oh, like they care about you—I'm the exciting new character! YEOOW!

KAGOME: Let me go! I said—AARGH!

CRIMSON COWL: Hey gang! I've got a cameo, so don't blink or you'll miss it.

NADIA: You're quiet, Miroku. Usually your wondering why you didn't get to do the chapter?

MIROKU: Mmm—what? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was watching Lum and Kagome. Say, you—wouldn't happen to know where I can get a—vat of pudding would you?

HIKARU: Join us next time for 'Strange Interlude'. And no, there won't be any pudding, in vats, or otherwise…

-----

Author's Notes:

I think I've reached the point where I've ripped off so many people that all I can say is—I don't own any of these guys—please don't sue.

On Lum—first, for those who haven't guessed, she's this universe's Captain Marvel equivalent (the first one, not the women or Genis). Of course, some will say Mar-Vell wasn't actually a Defender, but he was one of the many superheroes who sort of flirted with membership, as writers used the title to keep their favorites in the public eye. And some will say the Silver Surfer would be a better choice, to which I say—LAY OFF WILL YOU? I've got my reasons for this! Reasons I can't go into! Reasons I don't particularly care to go into! Are you getting me?

On the whole I think it works quite well.

Also, the 'tcha' issue—in Japanese 'tcha' is nonsense, essentially a bit of babytalk added to the end of verbs in an effort to be cute. Including it in her speech would be both redundant and cumbersome. However, it is a distinctive part of Lum's character—so I put it on the end of her giggle. It's not canon, but it does what it has to.

And I know the Oni don't really have the whole 'Amazon' wedding thing, but hey. I needed someway to rake Inu-Yasha over the coals…


	7. Strange Interlude

_Kagome's Diary,_

_My word for the day is epiphany. It means 'a sudden realization'._

_This word for a day stuff is new! Hikaru suggested it! I was talking to him about how good he is with words and, he said…_

-----

"It's really not that difficult," said Hikaru. "You just have to find words that nobody uses, and use them. As you do so, your vocabulary increases, and your skill with language improves. That's all I've ever done."

"Yeah, but you read an' stuff," said Kagome. "I sorta—don't."

Hikaru sighed. "How about this? Go to your dictionary. Flip open a page. Close your eyes, and put your finger on a word. If you don't know the word, try to use in a sentence." He bit his lip. "I'd make that a written sentence. A person has to walk before they can run."

"What if I know the word?"

"You go to the next one down. If you know that one, you go to the one after that. If you know every word in that direction, you go in the opposite direction. If you know every word on the page, you go to a different page.

"And if I can't find a page with words I don't know on it?"

Hikaru chuckled. "Then you buy a bigger dictionary."

-----

_So that's what I did! And that's just what I'm going to do! I'm tired of the villains laughing at my pronouncements, and I epiphanied that I needed to improve my vocabulary._

_Hey! I did it! I used it! That was easy!_

_Update: Just showed Hikaru. He indicated I had not fulfilled my 'word a day' obiligatory yet. Oh, well. Plenty of time. It's been awhile since I wrote—and I've got lots to write about. It's been a busy week—especially for Hikaru…_

----

Defending

Chapter 7—Strange Interlude

An "Avenging" Spinoff

David Dee

-----

_It's hard to figure out where it all started. Particley cause it began in a lot of places, all at once. Still, I suppose the best place to begin would be three days ago. We were at the café and Hikaru was sharing his opinions about some of our superheroy allies in the struggle against ickiness._

----

"—A lot of corporate hacks and fascist warmongers!" shouted Hikaru, pounding his fist on the table.

Nadia glanced at him, smiling ironically. "Well, don't hold anything back, Hikaru. Tell us what you think."

"Thank you, I shall," answered Hikaru. "Though I should point out that I hardly need an invitation to hold back opinions that are so dear to me." He took a deep breath. "It makes me physically ill to be sharing the same landmass as some of these people, much less the same profession." He shook his head. "But every day the papers and TV tell me to admire the Fantastic Marketing Devices, Captain Imperial Japan, and his cheerful sidekick, Bucky the Wonder Trollop. And don't get me started on the Iron Rose!"

Kagome blinked. "What's wrong with the Iron Rose?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Okay, I'll tell you about the Iron Rose."

Miroku whimpered. "He's starting again, Nadia…"

Nadia sighed. "I know, Miroku."

Miroku gulped. "I just don't think I can take it again…"

"Now, the invincible Iron Rose is, as we all know, a bodyguard in the employ of Kunou Industries, or as I like to call it—'Evil, Incorporated'." He drew several pictures from a satchel.

Miroku's head collided with the table. "Oh, no—he's bringing out the pictures."

"Now to understand my contempt for the House that Satan Built, I must tell you of the man whose keen eye, steel will, and utter lack of what most people call scruples made it possible." Hikaru flipped a picture over. It showed a brightly smiling man wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt. "Kunou Senior, Japan's answer to Mengele." He thought that over. "Well, second answer, anyway…"

Kagome blinked. "That jolly fellow?"

Hikaru chuckled. "Oh, how accurate you are, Kagome. Kunou was the jolliest of fellows, a veritable Santa Claus who left lethal weapons in the stockings of all the good little dictators who sent a deposit to his magical bank account in the Swiss Alps." He tapped the picture lightly. "Kunou was queer for three things—munitions, horticulture, and Hawaii, and he attempted to demonstrate said queerness by attempting to dominate them financially." Hikaru frowned. "He faced severe setbacks only in Hawaii. Kunou made his reputation as a man who would sell weapons to anybody—terrorists, mercenaries, revolutionaries, drug dealers, eccentric millionaires who wanted an interesting conversation piece." He shook his head. "He nearly got into a great deal of trouble when one of the latter accidentally blew up a small isle in the Bahammas."

"So, how come he wasn't arrested?" asked Kagome.

"Because Kunou knew how to butter both sides of his bread. He wasn't just selling to rogue states and criminals—he was selling them to the people who get to determine who the rogue states and criminals are, at half the price, and twice the volume. The authorities weren't going to ruin that beautiful relationship for a paltry little thing called ethics." Hikaru shrugged. "As long as Kunou maneuvered so that a cursory investigation would turn up nothing, they were happy. And that's exactly what he did. Dummy companies, second and third-party contractors, non-existent middlemen—Kunou used every trick in the book to provide Kunou Industries with that magical barrier known as 'plausible deniability'." His eyes shut, his expression tired. "Despite numerous exposés, every single investigation into criminal action on the part of Kunou stalled, and eventually stopped." Hikaru put the picture down. "Cut to the present, when Kunou has done the world the great favor of disappearing, an act for which I personally feel he should win the Nobel Peace Prize."

Hikaru lifted up a photo of a handsome young man preening for the camera, a bit of arm candy hoisted to his side. "Takewatchi Kunou—his only son, and Daddy's golden boy. Taki's big accomplishments are dating lots of women, and going to lots of parties. Oh, and allegedly he's a kendo champion of some note, but I don't see it. Not enough killer instinct." He tossed the picture on the table dismissively. "Takewatchi is a non-entity who couldn't run Kunou Industries if he wanted to, which he doesn't. The fact that he disappeared a while back only makes him more of one. Which leaves with the last member of the family Kunou." He flipped over the third photo. It showed an attractive (if forlorn-looking) young woman sitting in a greenhouse full of black roses. "Kodachi Kunou. The living ice sculpture that Kunuo senior carved himself. She's a genius at horticulture and munitions. See those black roses? She cultivated them herself."

"Oh, neat…" began Kagome.

"That same year, she also made a tank that fired shells with greater range and accuracy, and a napalm that burned with 50 more efficiency." He grinned. "Quite the accomplished young woman, eh?"

"Eep," gulped Kagome.

"Kodachi Kunou is a girl full of eep," said Hikaru. "I can honestly say she is one of the most profound technical geniuses in the world today—easily in the same league as Makoto Mizuhara and Reed Richards. Her theories in aerodynamics and advanced laser application are, without exaggeration, groundbreaking. They are also the cries for help of a scared little girl who desperately wants her father's love and attention." Hikaru's face took on the sheen of a man who had just swallowed something bitter. "Kunou pulled her from the schools at a young age the moment he realized _exactly_ what he had on his hands, and raised the girl in near total isolation. He's kept her from potential friends, lovers—all significant social attachments. Just so his little RD department wouldn't be—impaired." His eyes shut.

"Hikaru?" said Nadia worriedly.

Hikaru took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It just really—pisses me off. I've had a pretty crappy life but at least my parents were on my side. They didn't treat me like I was some sort of a tool, to be stored in a box so I wouldn't get rusty. That's what really makes me—go after Kunou Senior. I merely dislike him for what he did to the world—in that he's no different than a hundred other arms dealers. But I hate him for what he did to his own daughter. That takes a special breed of asshole."

"But—Kunou's gone—right?" Kagome offered nervously. "In fact, Kodachi's in charge. Iron Rose is her bodyguard."

"Yes, that's right. A young woman whose entire ethical outlook has been warped by the evil bastard she calls 'dad'." Hikaru frowned. "Forgive my skepticism at her intent, but I think this Iron Rose is a giant billboard for Kunou Industries. Not _only_ do they get the good press of an employee who regularly saves lives _as a_ _superhero_, but every damn client they have can see what they'll be offering next season, for the proper donation." Hikaru tucked the photos away, and leaned backwards tired. "At least, that's my opinion."

Miroku whimpered. Nadia patted him on the back. Miroku's hand grasped hers. She put him in an armlock. Miroku's hand released her.

The door of the café opened with an exceptionally loud clatter. "Quit it!" Inu-Yasha walked in, Lum clinging to his arm.

"Ooh, darling," cooed Lum. "Don't be afraid of wuv! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She was wearing a non-tiger skin bikini at the moment—her only concession to Earth mores.

Hikaru glanced at the pair. "I thought you two were going to the beach?"

Inu-Yasha sat down at their table, his posture defeated. "We did. And I left to—get a drink." He sighed. "You have no idea how fast she is…"

Lum playfully tangled her fingers in his hair. "And what a great tracker." She shook her head. "Well, I was worried about you, darling. Out there awone, in the gweat big world, without your Lum to protect you."

Kagome's glance was shooting daggers at the Oni. Lum seemed oblivious of that fact.

Hikaru shook his head. He knew how much Kagome and Inu-Yasha disliked having Captain Oni around, but to Hikaru's mind it was better than just setting her loose on an unsuspecting world. "Why, Hikaru Gosunkugi," came a quiet, familiar voice. Hikaru glanced to his side.

"Nabiki Tendou." Hikaru eyed her quietly. "Did you come here to hit up that crazy old bum on the corner for protection money? Or did some chance wallet merely happen to disgorge you in this neck of the woods?"

"Heh," snorted Nabiki. "Trying to be clever, Gosunkugi?"

"He's always trying," said Nadia. "Sometimes, he's succeeding."

Nabiki glanced at her, then back at Hikaru. "Who's the gaijin?"

"I'm Nadia il Karthon," said Nadia. "And thankfully, since Hikaru's already named you, I don't have to ask, 'who's the bitch?'." Nadia smiled. "Now have a nice day, Miss Tendou."

Nabiki stared at her distastefully. "Let me guess—another manga club member." She shook her head. "Where do you find these people, Gosunkugi?"

"Bus terminals are, I find, an excellent source," said Hikaru quietly. "Now, shoo—unless you wish to trade witticisms all day. In that case, I do have a few choice ones I've been waiting to try out."

"My family's having a big dinner tomorrow," she said abruptly. "You wanna come?"

Hikaru blinked. "Umm… sure."

Nabiki smiled slightly. "Good." She glanced at Lum, snuggling on Inu-Yasha's shoulder. "Who's she?"

"That's Lumiko Sai," said Hikaru. "Yoshi's sister."

Nabiki blinked. "Seem a bit—close."

"You have no idea." He waved her away. "Now, shoo, for the second time. Third time is an armed response."

Nabiki snorted and walked away. Nadia glanced at him. "Well, well—_cherchez le femme_…"

Hikaru's eyes widened in amazement. "Nabiki? She's just a bully who used to torment me…"

Nadia smiled. "Physically?"

"Physically—emotionally—mentally—financially—the whole package."

Nadia tapped her fingers on the tabletop. "So, a domineering woman who has been a major presence in your life…"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Look, there's no freaking way I'm attracted to Nabiki Tendou in any manner at all!"

"You do dream about her," pointed out Kagome.

"Nightmares! Where she's attacking me!" he shouted. "There's nothing sexual about a dream of a woman assaulting a man!" Hikaru stiffened, then collapsed on the table. "I am so, so sick," he said in quiet despair.

Miroku coughed. "Tell me—in the dreams—does she ever use a whip?"

-----

_So began the issues of Hikaru's dinner at the Tendou's, a thing that would dominate his mind for two days like some big thing._

_But I had problems of my own: Lum Oni. This evil, icky ball of ick had tried to destroy the world—AND NOW SHE WAS STAYING AT MY HOUSE! And even worse—I think Inu-Yasha likes her…_

-----

"Would you stop followin' me, you crazy freak?" shouted Inu-Yasha.

Lum tightened her grip. "Oh, darling—stop playing hard to get…"

Inu-Yasha screamed, then tore himself away. "Listen ya horn-headed loonie, 'cause I'm only gonna tell ya once. I DON'T LOVE YOU! I don't even like you! Yer a self-centered, egotistical bitch who tried to blow up my freakin' planet! Yer rude, yer petty, and yer obnoxious to be round. IN FACT—I HATE YOU!"

Lum just chuckled and shook her head. "Is that it? You just don't know me very well." She grinned. "I think when you get to know me better you'll find I'm nothing like you think I am."

"That AIN'T gonna happen!" fumed Inu-Yasha.

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! You're so cute when you're angry!" giggled Lum. She leapt forward and embraced him, sticking her tongue down his throat.

At that moment, Kagome walked in. Inu-Yasha tore himself away. "K-Kagome! I… this…"

Kagome forced a smile on her face. "Dinner's in ten minutes!" She turned around and walked stiffly away. "Better hurry up if you want to get some."

Inu-Yasha gulped, and hurried after her. "Kagome! It's not what it looks like! Really! _Really_ really!"

Lum shook her head. "Men."

-----

_Inu-Yasha swears up and down he hates her guts, but that don't tell me what she thinks of her other… assets._

_And let me tell you—no way are those things real! NO WAY!!_

_Of course, while all of us had our own worries, something else was happening._

-----

The scrawny naked man walked into the costume shop, grabbed an expensive green velvet robe, and glanced at the clerk. "I'm taking this."

The clerk, in the middle of an edifying cosplaying discussion with several patrons, glared at him. "Look, freak, no shoes, no shirt, no service! Now get out of my store before I call the cops!" The naked man stared at him for a moment.

The clerk's head exploded, leaving a bloody mess all over the counter.

The naked man calmly put on the robe. "I wasn't asking you—I was informing you, cretin." He fastened the robe, took a satisfied look at himself in the mirror, and then headed out. One of the customers darted for the phone. The man turned around. Suddenly the customer was clutching her stomach, screaming pain. "Wouldn't try calling the authorities," said the man. "Bad idea all around." He shot an eerie smile at the remaining patrons, and touched his index finger to his forehead. "Be seeing you."

-----

_But none of us knew about that stuff when it was happening. We had more immediate injustices to occupy us._

-----

"Think about it, Hikaru! The New Warriors!"

"No, Kagome. I refuse to. On general principal."

Kagome pouted. "You're never going to like any of my names."

Hikaru grasped her shoulders, and nodded. "You are learning, grasshopper." He released her with a chuckle.

Nadia glanced at her, an amused expression on her face. "So, if we're the New Warriors, who in blazes are the _Old_ Warriors?"

Kagome blinked. "I—hadn't thought of that." She rubbed her chin, in deep Kagome thought. "Maybe, some of the old seiyu teams…"

"That's what I want to be associated with," muttered Hikaru darkly. "Men and women in neon costumes, running around like idiots." He shook his head. "Still, I guess I'm nostalgic for the days when the cape and cowl division knew their place—in the background. Not the front page." He scowled. "As opposed to a certain flag-wearing attention-seeker."

Kagome shook her head. "Honestly, Hikaru, I don't see what you have against Captain Japan. Don't you have _any_ national pride?"

"I have plenty of national pride, for the nation that matters! The nation of Hikaru Gosunkugi! Population: one, Location: wherever I happen to be standing, Chief Import: coffee, Chief Export: bile! That's the real nation. Just like the nation of Kagome. Or the nation of Miroku! Or the nation of Nadia! Those are the nations that count! Not these silly artificial constructs decided by mountains, bodies of water, and diplomats! And when people realize that, world peace will follow!" Hikaru took a deep breath. Nadia gave him a few sardonic claps. He glanced away "But, no. People don't want that now. They don't want to have to think for themselves. They'd rather follow a lot of corporate hacks and fascist warmongers!" he shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

Nadia glanced at him, smiling ironically. "Well, don't hold anything back, Hikaru. Tell us what you think."

-----

_I think I just ephiphanized something—Hikaru is really, really opinionated._

_Used it!_

_Umm, no, I didn't. And Hikaru says if he's opinionated, it's only cause he's got so many things to have opinions on._

_Only he put it just a bit better than that._

_Just a bit._

_So there we were, all of us with our stuff to worry us, with no time for different stuff to worry us. Miroku's been checking into the Masters of Evil, for instance…_

-----

Miroku glanced at Malachite and Zoisite. "So that's all you know?"

Zoisite nodded. "Maron _might_ tell you more then she would us, if you convinced her it was important enough…"

Malachite shook his head. "Might as well be honest, Zoisite—it'll take someone with more—_gravitas_ then Miroku to convince her."

Zoisite giggled. "Oh, watch the tongue Malachite."

"Merely an honest observation," note Malachite with a shrug. "Maron takes her client's privacy very seriously."

Miroku signaled the bartender. "Another scotch."

"Root beer for me," said Malachite.

"Make it two," added Zoisite.

Miroku shook his head. "I just can't understand this sobriety fad that's come over you two…"

"It's no fad, Miroku," answered Malachite. "I was drowning in a sea of liquor. It's like Maron says—I was using drink as a replacement for the position I'd lost, and that was killing me." He shook his head. "You know, Zoisite, these days I wonder why we ever fought against that girl—she's so nice."

"Because Queen Beryl made us," said Zoisite flatly.

"Oh, yes." Malachite sighed. "You know, on reflection, evil was not a very satisfying career for me." He picked up his glass of root beer. "I'm feeling very introspective now…"

"I'll get the water colors out for you when we get home dear," said Zoisite, patting his hand.

Miroku glanced at him. "And why aren't you drinking?"

Zoisite smiled at his partner. "Mostly to support my man." He kissed Malachite affectionately on the cheek. Miroku shook his head. He didn't know what he was finding more disturbing—the fact they were gay, or the fact they were getting sex and he wasn't.

-----

_(He hasn't turned up much yet. To be honest, nobody knows what the M.O.E. are doing. This really bugs Hikaru, with good reason, as the Crimson Cowl is his archnemesis…)_

-----

The Crimson Cowl was singing softly to himself. "When my love—stands next to your love—I can't define love—when it's not love—it's not love—it's not love—which is my face—which is a building—which on fire—on fire." He ran his hands over the charred skull, then glanced at Boomerang and Black Knight. "You two did get the one I indicated correct?"

"It is the proper body," said Moonstone. She shook her head. "Are you sure—?"

"Tell me, Moonstone, have you ever heard of the Baron Heinrich Zemo?"

Moonstone shook her head. "No. I haven't."

"He was, quite possibly, the greatest criminal mastermind of the first half of the twentieth century. A student of Dr. Mabuse, the Gambler of Weimar—heir to a noble line that stretched back centuries. A man of such brilliance, such genius, that Hitler himself respected him—even feared him. He knew the greatest secret to power. In the end all true power stems from two things—the ability to think, and the ability to _lead_." He chuckled fondly, his hand stroking the skull eagerly. "There is a man! A true man! A man I'd be proud to call father!"

Moonstone glanced at the Cowl oddly. "Do you have a point?"

"Oh, merely that Heinrich Zemo was a man of genius. And yet death came for him all the same, when his experimental death ray exploded. Thus is the irony of existence—all men are subject to the Reaper, even those who seek to control it. And yet we—we lucky few, in service to our Master, to us has been given the chance to grant a temporary reprieve from the Proud Brother." The Crimson Cowl drew something out of a small pouch at his side. He glanced at the small purple shard, glowing in the moonlight.

Moonstone stared at him. "So you are going to resurrect this Zemo fellow, is that it?"

The Cowl stiffened "No. I do not have his body. I do not know if it even exists." He turned back to the corpse. "This is merely a fairly uninteresting yakuza boss who has some fairly interesting information." The Cowl's hand lowered to the skull. "Which he will shortly be sharing with us." He whistled softly. "I've got two loves—I've got two loves—and they go tweet, tweet, tweet like little birds, they're my two loves…"

-----

_Still, we'll find out what they're planning. Villains always reveal their plans right when the heroes beat them! It's in their nature! Hikaru says that they do things like that cause they're hissy tronics. Me, I think it's cause they like attention._

-----

The man in the velvet green cloak sat quietly in the subway car. A drunken man jostled him as he passed by. The man in the green cloak frowned. His arm shot out and grabbed the drunk. "Apologize to me," he said sternly.

The drunk glanced him over belligerently. "Why should I ap—ulp?" The drunk began to retch violently.

After ten minutes, he'd begun to vomit up blood.

Once the drunk's nausea had finally stopped, along with his breathing, the man shook his head. "Hopefully, you've learnt that when Yandroth tells you to do something, you do it." A dark smile touched his face. "Actually, I know you have. The dead are very good at following orders." The corpse slowly rose to its feet, and shambled up grabbing the arm bar. After a moment, it stood completely still.

The whole exchange would have received much more notice from the other passengers if Yandroth hadn't killed them some time before.

-----

_And while normally, there might be demonic invasions to worry about, but as Hikaru explained, we're facing a whole lot less of those._

-----

"—the number of demonic invasions is in fact lessening," noted Hikaru scholarly. "We have, it seems, turned a corner in the last week or so. We will face much fewer invasions—"

"Hurray for us!" said Kagome enthusiastically.

"However, the ones we face will be of a more severe nature." Hikaru coughed. "Monday after next, the God-Killers of Sarnak are coming."

Miroku coughed. "That doesn't sound good."

"A week later, we shall face the Assassin Hounds of Xichic—and don't let the name fool you—they're actually giant beetles."

Miroku whimpered.

"After that there's the Sin Mothers, and finally the Mx-ztai, and then we're done for the month." Hikaru glanced around the table. "So anymore business for this meeting?"

"I do!" said Kagome eagerly. "A new name! Think about it, Hikaru! The New Warriors!"

"No Kagome."

-----

_I trust Hikaru on these things, because he's undergone all sorts of mystic training that he refuses to talk about. I've tried to get some myself, actually…_

-----

"Just imagine, Hikaru! Imagine the good I could do with greater powers!" Kagome grinned at him.

"I'm trying hard not to," said Hikaru dourly.

Kagome pouted. "Oh, come on—please?"

Hikaru sighed. "Kagome—you have to understand, I'm just barely past my apprenticeship, so I'm really in no position to be taking on students. And you and I are virtually opposed styles anyway." He raised his hand, and stared at it, a strange diamond shaped light appearing in it. "My magic is structured—disciplined. I use the loopholes and secrets of the universe to power my abilities, coupled with skills revealed through mental disciplining and sacrifice." The diamond floated over to Kagome and became diffuse—a sort twisting fractal. "Your magic is chaotic—impulsive. It responds to your needs and desires, as well as your hereditary powers against demons and evil." Hikaru snapped the light out of existence. "I can do very little for you." He shook his head. "Besides, you really don't want the kind of training I had. Trust me."

-----

_Personally, I think he's being silly—how bad could it be? _

-----

"The form is the form of righteousness," said the Ancient One reading from a large book. "It is the form of truth. Do you hear me, Mr. Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru glanced up at the Ancient One. Presently, he was hanging upside down, from a boulder, over a vat full of lava. Oh, and the boulder was floating in midair, because he was keeping it floating in midair. With his mind. "Loud and clear, sir. By the way, have I mentioned I'm going to kill you?"

"Yes. Nineteen times now."

Hikaru nodded, the sweat rolling off his brow. Right now, he really wished he had told the old man no when he'd asked him to help save the world. "Ah. Well then, let's go for an even twenty. I'm going to kill you."

"That's nice," said the Ancient One.

Hikaru screamed. "How is it nice, you demented old bat? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! KILL YOU! MAKE YOU DEAD!"

"Now it is an uneven twenty-three times," noted the Ancient One. "And it is nice because it demonstrates you still have a moral core, capable of being outraged at this miserable treatment. The students who swear they are going to kill me invariably become upstanding and just magicians. Those who quietly accept my treatment have invariably tried to kill me." He smiled down at Hikaru. "So thus, this fills me with hope for you."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "That's… super." He moaned quietly, then glanced up again. "Oh, and I am going to kill you."

"I know, Hikaru, I know," said the Ancient One in an amused tone. "Now then, the form is the form of wickedness. It is the form of deception…"

-----

_But, hey, that's Hikaru's decision. _

_So anyway, with no definite threats, Hikaru had no problems going to the dinner at the Tendous. He even seemed kind of excited about it, which Nadia thought was silly for a dinner._

-----

"A dinner in some aspects," said Hikaru. "In other ways—a milestone."

Nadia snorted. "What—is this the first time someone's invited you somewhere as something besides an item of scientific interest?"

"Well, yes," said Hikaru awkwardly, as he fiddled with his tie, "but the important thing is tonight I'm going to reveal to Akane Tendou the burning passion she inspires in me."

"I believe there are laws against that," noted Nadia.

Hikaru turned and stared at her coldly. "How droll. No doubt you have some witticisms to share about frozen dinners next."

"I tried to have one last night, but got stopped midmeal because it had established residency."

"Great. Now all you need is a lounge and a band," Hikaru sighed.

Nadia shook her head. "So—what is so great about this Akane, anyway?"

Hikaru paused, and sighed slightly. "She's just—wonderful. It's somewhat hard to describe. She's sweet, she's kind, she's beautiful, she's strong—but also delicate." He smiled. "She's everything I could want."

Nadia stared at him in disbelief. "Hikaru, you haven't described a girl—you described a goddess."

Hikaru chuckled. "Maybe I did, Nadia. Maybe I did." He went back to fiddling with his tie. "Well, tonight, she'll be receiving a little open worship. Possibly even a sacrifice, if I can get the permits. Probably can't—bureaucracy is such a hassle…"

"How long have you had—feelings for her?" asked Nadia with such a great amount of casualness that an observant listener might suspect it was feigned.

"First day of kindergarten," answered Hikaru, who may have been an observant listener, but also felt so awkward around Nadia that he did as much as he could to avoid discussing what he generally referred to as 'their thing'. "I was reading **The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea**, the teacher introduced one Akane Tendou to the class, my eyes fell from the page onto an angel."

"Ahh, how sweet," said Nadia despite herself.

"And, seeing as she was completely above me, I dedicated my life to admiring her from afar."

"And now it's disturbing," she sighed.

"Oh, you're making it sound sordid." Hikaru frowned.

"Hikaru, you made up your mind at age five to become a stalker," noted Nadia. "There's no way to make that sound like an accomplishment."

"It wasn't like that!" said Hikaru angrily. "What I felt for Akane was something exalted! Something grand! It was love, without the slightest bit of hope!" Hikaru blinked. "Okay, I admit, on reflection, that does sound… troubled. But it changed slightly after her accident. Suddenly—well, I was about the only one who didn't immediately start treating her like 'Akane the Cripple'. Which, eventually, she noticed." He frowned. "Several years after Nabiki had noticed I was small, weak, and easily intimidated."  
Nadia shook her head. "You have had one depressing childhood, Hikaru Gosunkugi."

"You're only scratching the surface of my angst," said Hikaru calmly. "Anyway, all those feelings of inadequacy that held me back for so long have vanished. I am a man now." He fiddled with his tie. "A man who cannot get this damn thing straightened out…"

Nadia gestured forward. "I'll do it." Her hands began to deftly knot the tie.

"Thank you." Hikaru shook his head. "Anyway, the way I figure it, I may not be worth much, but I am worth something, so I'll just step forward, and make my intentions known." He laughed quietly. "After all, I may not be much to look at, but I must have some redeeming qualities." A slightly desperate look came to his face. "Right?"

Nadia took a deep breath, and glanced away from him. "I'm sure there's a girl somewhere who'll love you, Hikaru."

Hikaru glanced at her awkwardly. "Nadia…" He bit his lip. "You've got your hand tangled in my tie."

Nadia's eyes widened. "Oh! Hell's bells…" The pair began a rather desperate set of contortions to free themselves.

"Okay—okay—I can do this," said Nadia, nervously.

"Just grab my arm, and then we both pull away on three," said Hikaru. "Now, one—two—THREE!" The pair stepped away from each other suddenly. As they did so Nadia overcorrected a step, and started to fall backwards. Hikaru darted forwards, and grabbed her midfall. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Nadia nodded nervously. "I'm fine." She stared at Hikaru. Hikaru stared back.

"Don't mind me!" said Miroku as he headed towards the coffee table. "Just left a magazine down here." He picked up a copy of _Maxim_, and began to leaf through it.

Hikaru righted Nadia, and turned back to the mirror. "Well, the tie's on." He glanced at Nadia. "How do I look?"

"Like an undertaker."

"Creepy undertaker, or sexy undertaker?" asked Hikaru casually.

"I'd say, creepy, sexy undertaker," answered Nadia mockingly.

Hikaru nodded. "I can live with that." He turned and headed for the door. "Well, have fun kids. Don't go into my room." He glanced at them. "Especially you, Miroku."

As soon as Hikaru was gone, Miroku smirked at Nadia. "You know, you two make a cute coup—"

Nadia raised her arm threateningly. "Do you want to make the acquaintance of the back of my hand again?"

"I'll be good," said Miroku meekly.

-----

_I can never figure out what's going on between those two. Sometimes it's like they're best friends. Other times they want to kill each other…_

_Ahh, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, Nadia thought Hikaru was getting a bit worked up about the dinner._

----

"—I mean, what's going to happen!" shouted Nadia. "Nothing! But Hikaru's going to get all worked up, all because that Tendou girl is leading him on."

Inu-Yasha stared at Nadia in blatant skepticism. "Nadia—nobody leads Hikaru on. That's 'cause it mean pretendin' to be interested in—well, Hikaru."

Nadia glared at him. "He's not _that_ ugly."

Inu-Yasha looked away. "Well, I suppose if ya take a pretty broad view a things, he's not so bad—I mean, there are some critters that look a lot worse—but as humans go—well, he's not the bottom, exactly, but—"

"Hell's bells, you're talking as if he's grotesquely deformed," answered Nadia.

Kagome glanced up, as Kilala played with her hand. "Umm—are we talking about the same Hikaru?"

Nadia frowned at her. "Two of everything that needs two of—the usual number of all organs and limbs. A fairly regular shape. There are plenty of people worse looking than Hikaru."

"Yeah, and they're mostly in freak shows," muttered Inu-Yasha quietly.

"You're missing my point," said Nadia suddenly. "This girl is distracting Hikaru from his duties. Making him dangerously—sidetracked. And damn it, we should do something about it."

Lum sat up suddenly, grinning. "Oh—I get it!" She smiled at Nadia knowingly. "I've figured out exactly what you're planning here." Nadia gulped. "I've seen the way you look at Dr. Strange—the way you quarrel with him—the way you're forever trying to get him to yourself."

Nadia stared at her horrified.

"You're planning a coup," said Lum satisfiedly.

Nadia blinked. "What?"

"You know, a takeover!" Lum laughed. "Well, I say—good for you. It might be hard, but you could probably take him—with some help." Lum leaned on Nadia's shoulder confidentially. "Now, assuming you offer me a—good bargain, that help is something I'm perfectly willing to supply. And since I know you're smart, I'll just assume you're offering a good bargain right now." She glanced to both sides. "So here's my plan—we get him while he's not expecting it—like when he's showering—then I hit him high, and you hit him low…"

Nadia stared at Lum with the expression of a person contemplating a container of Chinese leftovers that have been in the refrigerator for a year. "Tell me, Lum—do you just naturally assume every one is as amoral as you?"

"I have no idea what the word 'amoral' means, but I don't think anybody can be anything as much as I am." Lum shook her head. "I'm the best there is at everything. Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Nadia glanced at her for a moment, then turned around. "I am going out. To the café. Alone. Goodbye."

Lum crossed her arms, and gave a confident snort. "She'll be back."

-----

_Personally, I think Nadia was being silly. I mean, if Hikaru wasn't distracted before he isn't going to be distracted now by something that was there to distract him before he could get distracted now in the first place. _

_That's pretty clear-cut, to my thinking._

Of course, I never did find out much about the dinner.

-----

Hikaru stood outside the Tendous' front door. He took a deep breath and knocked.

The door was opened by a nearly six feet tall Olympian with perfect teeth. "Hey. Ranma Saotome." He offered his hand. "And you're…?"

Nearly five feet tall Hikaru Gosunkugi took his hand, a smile plastered to his face. "Feeling exceptionally inadequate, thank you very much."

-----

_Though he really didn't like that Saotome fellow._

_I had my own problems to deal with though._

-----

Inu-Yasha glanced around the corner. "Is she still out there?"

Kagome stopped playing with Kilala. "How should I know? She's your girlfriend."

"She's NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

"Oh. Right. Fiancée. My mistake."

Inu-Yasha grasped her firmly by the shoulders. "Kagome—Lum ain't my fiancée, any more than yer Hikaru's."

"Well—yeah—for the manga club, you two are siblings."

Inu-Yasha scowled. "That's not what I mean! Kagome—I don't love Lum. I don't even like Lum. To tell ya the truth—she makes my guts crawl. What we got is some stupid 'engagement' that only exists inside her own head 'cause she's obsessed with me and 'cause a stupid custom I didn't know nothin' about let's her think so. It ain't real! Bein' engaged ain't some stupid marriage at swordpoint deal. It's somethin' ya do when ya love someone, to tell them ya want to be with them forever." He glanced nervously away. "At least that's what I think."

Kagome gulped. "Oh. I… see."

"So could ya please go out and check for me? 'Cause if she glomps me one more time today, I'm losin' it." Kagome nodded and left her room.

Lum stood in the hallway, staring out the window at the night sky. Kagome coughed. "Umm, what're you doing?"

Lum glanced over her shoulder. "Oh! Kagome! Just looking at the stars." She sighed. "Somewhere up there is my homeworld of Uru. I don't know where. Lieutenant Mar-Vell did most of my navigating."

Kagome felt a wave of sympathy. "And you're probably never going to return."

Lum burst in laughter, shaking her head. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! Of course I'm going to return! I'm Captain Lum Oni, the greatest warrior ever! Do you think it'll take me that long before I figure out how to dominate you inferiors completely?"

Kagome felt her sympathy withdraw.

Lum's elation ended. "Of course, it might take a while." Her eyes took on a resigned air. "Possibly a year or two. Maybe longer." She sighed. "Till then, I'm stuck here. Alone." She shook her head. "I haven't been alone for awhile. I've always had loads of friends, and servants, and more servants, and other servants. And my ship." She crossed her arms. "I really miss my little Tcha." She rested her chin in the join of her arms, and glanced at Kagome. "So, I'm really thankful you're letting me stay here. It's real nice." She looked back out the window. "And I'm happy to have found a guy like Inu-Yasha. Oh, he's a little rough around the edges, but that's part of his charm." A smile touched her face. "I like him. I like him a lot."

-----

_…And that's what an evil woman she is—she actually had me feeling kind of sorry for her, the evil skank._

_Can't believe I just wrote 'skank'. Oh well, it's my diary so I can write what I want._

_Skank, skank, skank, skank, skank. _

_That felt good._

_Anyhow, I do wonder what they're doing at Lum's homeworld. Do they miss her?_

----

The Supreme Intelligence of the Kree was the concerted mass of the minds of that race's most brilliant scientists, generals, and politicians. For centuries it had ruled the Kree, it's declarations law.

"And the winning numbers are 10, 6, 9, and 1000."

These days the Oni mostly used it to announce lottery numbers, and occasionally to officiate at sporting events.

"I win!" shouted a leprous Shi'ar in the crowd below.

"Lucky!" shouted Benten, the Imperial Grand Marvelous Magical Sure-To-Win Lottery Girl. "Please come up, sir, to claim your year's supply of meat!"

A cloaked figure passing by stopped, only to have its arm grabbed by a second figure. "Now is not the time! We must hurry!"

The first figure stared at the second plaintively, causing it to turn away guiltily. "I'll fix you a snack when we get back to my ship, okay?"

The first nodded, and the pair continued on their way. They darted down a back alley, and entered a small building. It was a rather interesting building, in that it did not officially exist, but, as none of the three people in it were officially there, that naturally didn't bother them.

The two cloaked figures bowed to the short one standing in the center of the room. "Lord Jariten. We came as soon as we received your message—"

"Silence," said the diminutive Emperor of all Oni. "My name is not to be spoken in this chamber, especially by the likes of you. Indeed, normally, I would execute you for sullying it with your lips." He shook his head. "But now I have need of you. Show me your faces. I would look on those in my service." The hoods lowered, revealing a handsome male Oni with a rather vacuous expression, and a young woman with pink hair, and a predatory gaze. "Rei of the Tiger's Shape," noted Ten quietly. "And Ran the Halfblood. Do you know why I called you here?"

Rei opened his mouth, and pointed to it.

"No," said Ten quietly. "It doesn't involve food." He glanced away. "Tell me—have you hear news of your fiancée, or rather, former fiancée, Lum?"

"I study her moves like a hawk circling its prey, sir," announced Ran. "I've heard that she has been disgraced, and exiled."

Ten eyed her warily. "I don't recall asking you, half-breed."

"I am sorry, sir," answered Ran with a bow. "However, I handle most of the… intelligence gathering. Lord Rei prefers to spend his time in—abstract contemplation."

Jariten glanced at Rei, who was attempting to ingest an ash tray. "I see," he noted. "I will make this short—you two live in disgrace because of Lum Oni, and now she is disgraced—and vulnerable." He handed them a small disk. "If you two were to go to her place of exile and—remove her from my concerns, I might be persuaded to lift your disgrace."

"We will bring you her head, sir!" said Ran passionately.

"Do it quietly. Quietly." Ten shook his head. "Lord Invader is a powerful man, and despite his duties, he still has a father's love. I do not want him hearing about it." He glanced at Ran curiously. "You feel you can manage it? The defeat of the Empire's greatest living champion?"

"Sir—my lord Rei was defeated only because she used trickery," said Ran in clipped tones. "As for me—my training at the Church of Nihilism under the tutelage of Lord Thanos and the Magus has given me powers beyond the normal pale…"

Ten gave a nod, frowning. "I'd heard—rumors of your involvement with that peasant superstition."

"It is no superstition, sir!" said Ran. "The death of all things is coming. Surely your divine senses can feel it."

Ten gave a dismissive wave. "I've really no time to discuss theology. Do as I ask, and that is all." He turned away. "Now go."

"When next we meet, Lum Oni shall be dead." Ran rose and then smacked Rei on the back of the head, causing him to disgorge the paperweight. "No snacking," she said severely, as she tugged away.

Ten smiled to himself slightly as they left. "Really, sir," came a dark voice from the corner, "I must ask—why? Lum was Third Champion of the Empire for most of your reign. She served both you and your grandfather well. Already she has suffered shame for her actions. Why kill one who has served you so well, and so loyally, for so long?"

Ten turned. If he was not officially in this building, the figure in the corner was not even officially on this planet. It was a tall man, dressed in black clothing, and wearing a pale white mask that covered his face. "Albrecht, I am Emperor of the Oni. I do not need explain my actions, even to you, my advisor."

"And yet, sir, it may aid me to advise you better." Albrecht paced idly around the room. "So, once again, I humbly ask—why?"

"Two reasons," began Ten. "First—I do not as a rule, leave my discarded weapons lying around. Second—she displeased me, and what displeases me, I destroy." He took a deep breath, smoke curling out of his mouth. "That—raceway was to be my stab at immortality, Albrecht."

"In more ways then one," noted the advisor.

Ten chuckled. "Indeed. And now it is ruined, and my plans for Project—Cosmic have been—delayed." He pouted. "You comprehend my ire."

Albrecht nodded. "Still, I hardly see why you would promise reinstatement to them. Rei and Ran are ultimately to blame for their own fall, after all. They are two of the most despised people in the Empire."

"Use garbage to take care of garbage," said Jariten harshly. "So my grandfather used to say, and so I have done."

"That explains why you put the bomb in the trash chute," noted Albrecht.

"Among other reasons," agreed the Emperor. "As for Rei and Ran—they are eager to do this thing, they are distant enough from me that I can do this without showing my hand, and afterwards, if they succeed, no one will care when I dispose of them."

Albrecht gave a stiff nod. "You have, it seems, thought of everything."

"I'm the most profound genius the Oni have ever produced, Albrecht," said Ten smugly. "I take great pains to use all of my intelligence." He sniffed. "Uh, oh. I just made a stinky." He glanced up at his advisor. "Do you think—?"

"For the last time, sir, I'm not changing your diapers." Albrecht turned away and headed into the shadows. "You're nearly five—you should be potty-trained by now…"

Jariten frowned to himself as his enigmatic grand vizier left. Let Albrecht think he held the upper hand in their—partnership. He'd show him. He'd show him.

-----

_Nah. They're probably glad she's gone. So we got nothing to worry about._

_Well, we do have things to worry about, just not that._

-----

Hikaru found himself fleeing the overwhelmingly macho camaraderie of Ranma "The Walking Testosterone Gland" Saotome in the one place he knew such an overwhelmingly macho guy would never go. The kitchen.

However, there was a downside to this place. He had to spend time with the Tendou sister that he personally found the most unnerving of all.

"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm."

Kasumi Tendou. Hikaru watched as she cheerfully prepared a meal as if that was the most wonderful thing in the world, which in Kasumi-speak seemed to consist of the Tendou house and the immediate surrounding neighborhood. "So, Hikaru, how are you?"

Dear lord, that lilt in her voice was so cheery, Hikaru suspected medication. "I'm fine." He nodded. "Real good in fact. The voices have finally given me a date."

"Well, that's nice," she said sweetly.

"Yep—this Friday. Then I can finally take out my assault rifle, and usher in the Days of Judgment."

"I'm happy for you."

"Think I'll start in the commercial section. Begin things there…"

"Sounds like a good choice."

Hikaru looked at her in mock-earnestness. "You seem like a good soul, so I recommend you stay home that day. I'd hate for you to die."

"Why, thank you!"

Hikaru nodded a bit. "You do realize I'm joking right?"

Kasumi blinked. "About what?"

"The whole being a crazed, potential mass-murderer thing. I wasn't serious."

Kasumi got a rather grave look on her face. "Oh, Hikaru—I just don't get this—young people humor."

Hikaru stared at her incredulously. "Kasumi—I'm not that much younger than you. In fact, we went to the same grade school. You were just a few grades above me. I remember the time you ate too much paste in fourth grade, and had an allergic reaction, and they had to wheel you out."

Kasumi paused and looked at him. "Well, that was a while ago. I really don't have time for shenanigans anymore."

Hikaru stared. "You used the word shenanigans." He glanced away. "Tell me—are you planning on being the youngest old woman in existence? Because at this rate, you're going to be a hundred when you're twenty. And when your thirty, you'll be legally dead."

Kasumi gave a merciful shake of the head. "Oh, Hikaru—I just don't get what you're saying. I'm as youthful as the next girl…"

Hikaru sighed. "Provided you choose the next girl from a retirement home, I've no doubt that's the case."

Kasumi smiled at him gently. "You know, Hikaru, I think I might just work better if you were to give me a bit of solitude."

Hikaru noted her earnest tone, and ducked out, bumping into the tightly wound form of Soun Tendou. "Gosunkugi," offered the patriarch pointedly.

Hikaru nervously offered his hand. "I'm glad you remember my name. And please, call me Hikaru. Gosunkugi is my father—no scratch that. Gosunkugi is my father's father—my dad's Toshiro."

"I know why you're here, Gosunkugi," stated Soun with just a pinch of intimidation.

"Heh, heh, heh." Hikaru kept a smile on his face with some difficulty. "Notice you're still calling me 'Gosunkugi'. That's off-putting, but it's your choice…"

Soun's visage transformed into an eerie visage of demonic anger. "Just don't touch Nabiki, Gosunkugi. I'm definitely not letting my school's heir throw herself away on a weakling like you."

Hikaru nodded. "Got you. Don't touch—Nabiki. Check."

Soun's face immediately turned back into its more normal appearance. "Good. Enjoy the dinner." He walked calmly away.

Hikaru took a deep breath, and immediately found himself face to face with Nabiki. "Gosunkugi. How did you piss off Kasumi?"

"Kasumi gets pissed off?" he asked. "I thought she just had various levels of placid."

"She's stirring more violently than I've ever seen her."

Hikaru stared at Nabiki for a moment. "You know, this place explains you. It doesn't _excuse_ you, but I come here, and now, you make sense to me. You're the final step in a process, not just some random bit of chaos." He glanced away. "Now, please move before your father decides we're planning to elope."

Nabiki frowned and started to head away. "So, what do you think about Ranma?"

"Oh, he's fantastic," grumbled Hikaru. "If he'd have been a century earlier, he could have made Hemingway feel insecure, thus sparing us a lot of novels about or involving bull-fighting."

Nabiki chuckled. "He's engaged to one of us."

Hikaru started. "Whi-which one?"

Nabiki smiled and walked away. Hikaru winced. Wonderful Not only was that obnoxious jerk—well, an obnoxious jerk, but he was (possibly) a romantic rival—and Hikaru had no illusions who would win in male beauty contest, and for that matter, in most girl's minds.

And Akane was presently at her job, fawning over the oblivious Dr. Tofu.

Hikaru sat down and sighed. This dinner was shaping up to make the Last Supper look positively benign.

-----

_And when I say we've got things to worry about, it's cause we got things to worry about._

-----

Nadia stared into her empty mug. "Hey, miss," said the waitress. "You want more coffee?"

Nadia sniffled. "He always wants more coffee!" she bawled.

"Umm, miss?" said the waitress nervously. "You haven't been spiking your drink, have you? 'Cause if you haven't been, this is the first time I've seen someone get drunk on caffeine."

Nadia wiped her eyes. "I'm—sorry. It's just—there's a boy I like." She bit her lip nervously, and then began crying. "But he doesn't even know I'm alive!"

The waitress chuckled. "Well, that's his mistake." She smiled. "So, who is he?"

Nadia gulped. "He's—just a guy."

The waitress stared at her. "Wait a minute—he's in the manga club, right? The short, pale skinny guy who always dresses in black?"

Nadia blinked several times. "No," she answered gradually.

"Ahh." The waitress gave a cynical nod. "Well, that's good. 'Cause if it were that guy, I'd have to say he definitely knows you're alive." She started another pot of coffee. "I've seen how he looks at you, and it's not the look of an uninvolved party." Nadia glanced at her. "But like you said—it's not him." The waitress shook her head. "Now, if it were, I'd tell you not to worry. I'd also wonder about your eyesight, but hey, whatever gets you though the night. It's not my job to judge you freaks—it's my job to serve you coffee."

-----

_Big things to worry about._

-----

Yandroth and his small mob of undead filed out of the subway station. "Now let's be orderly people," he stated as he led them. "I will not have my name besmirched by one of your typical army of lumbering corpses. Yandroth's army doesn't shamble—it marches lockstep."

-----

_To be honest, the whole Yandroth situation was a surprise. I don't think Hikaru was expecting it…_

-----

Hikaru stared at his bowl of miso soup. He glanced across the table, where the Tendou sisters had all wound up sitting after about twenty minutes of arguing who should sit next to Ranma.

In the end, that had wound up being Hikaru.

Hikaru glanced at the muscular pretty boy. Ranma's arm flexed as he brought the spoon to his mouth, the motion of each perfectly defined muscle visible. After he swallowed it, he leaned back in his chair, his shirt stretching over his brawny chest. He rested a hand on his stomach. "Man that was good eating, Kasumi."

Kasumi smiled. "Why thank you!" She glanced at Hikaru. "Hikaru—is everything all right? You've barely touched your food."

Ranma nodded. "Guy as skinny as you needs to eat."

Hikaru forced a grin on his face and suppressed his urge to drive his willowy stick of an arm through Saotome's chest. That'd be bad table manners. "I just like to… savor things. Take my time." He glanced back down at the miso, and frowned.

He was not enjoying this dinner.

"Oh, the stars are so bright!" said Dr. Tofu Ono. Hikaru glanced at the dazed man to his left. Akane had dragged Dr. Ono along with her to the dinner, but whatever she hoped to occur had been thwarted by the fact that Tofu seemed to suffer a minor stroke every time he was in close vicinity of Kasumi. Personally, he didn't get what Akane saw in him, but hey, maybe he was a great guy when he didn't have the urge to drink candles.

"So tell me, my friends, is not Japan fortunate to have such a fine, manly defender in Captain Japan?' opined a loud voice belonging to Genma Saotome. Ranma's father was a bald, garrulous con artist of a man who, for some bizarre reason, made Hikaru think of a giant panda. He had no idea why. Maybe it was the glasses.

"Pops, nobody wants to hear about some weirdo in a costume," muttered Ranma Saotome. "The country's got enough of them without another popping up." Hikaru found himself agreeing with the gigantic beefcake. It was a disconcerting experience. "I mean, there's some freak out there calling himself Dr. Strange. Can you believe it?"

Hikaru frowned. "I think that's a fine name. Much better than 'Captain Japan'."

"Sounds like a hippie tatooist," grumbled Genma.

Hikaru glared at him. "Well, that's a hell of a lot better than sounding like a history of fascistic oppression!" Hikaru paused. Everyone was looking at him. Even Dr. Tofu. "In my humble opinion, of course," he added quietly.

Akane shook her head. "I don't trust him. How can you be expected to trust one who is so secretive? I mean, no two witnesses describe him the same way—when they can describe him at all—and he never comes forward to speak of his actions." A deep scowl covered her face. "No honorable warrior hides from acclaim."

Hikaru coughed. "Perhaps he has more important things to than worry about then 'acclaim'. Maybe his definition of 'honor' is based on service rendered without expectation of thanks instead of playing for the applause of the crowd." Hikaru stood up energetically. "Perhaps he and his companions are the only wall that stands between our world and destruction, the desperate last defense our troubled planet relies on!" Hikaru blinked, then sat down and fidgeted awkwardly. "Or maybe not. I really wouldn't know." He picked up his chopstick and stared at it.

He wondered if it were possible to drive it through his skull.

"Why, Kasumi, I'd love some more noodles," said Dr. Tofu, helping himself to a strip of tablecloth.

Hikaru slumped forward, in sad defeat. "Umm, Hikaru?" asked Kasumi gently. "Why are you putting your face in the miso?"

"I'm exfoliating," muttered Hikaru. "It's good for the pores."

"Oh! I'll have to try that!" Hikaru heard the splash of Kasumi dipping her face in the bowl. "Why, I can feel it working right now! How remarkable!"

Hikaru groaned quietly.

-----

_…And I know Nadia wasn't._

-----

Nadia sat sipping her coffee grimly. The waitress sighed. "Look, you should get going. My shift's ending, and the waitress after me is a real bitch."

Nadia blinked. "This place _has_ another waitress?"

The waitress rolled her eyes. "The hours I work, I ask myself the same thing…'

"Nadia," came a familiar voice.

Nadia sat up suddenly, her eyes wide in surprise. "What are—? I thought you—" She turned around—and stopped midsentence.

"Please to see you, dear," said Yandroth, flanked by several zombies. "I'm just dying for a cup of coffee." He glanced at his minions. "Now—outside! I won't have this evening ruined by the undead, especially when I'm the one who created them."

-----

_You know, you might think Hikaru could just solve problems before they started, but he can't. Well, actually, he could, but he can't. Like he explained to Nadia, after we took down this gang of yakuza enforcers last week…_

-----

"Well, what would you like me to do?" said Hikaru harshly. "Cast a spell and magick the violence out of people? It doesn't work like that. First of all, I'd be utterly destroying their free will. That's not a road it's good to walk down."

Nadia frowned. "So what's the second reason?"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "You can't call on so much magic without a reaction. The universe only let's you push so far before it pushes back." He chuckled quietly. "Hell, Yandroth proved that."

Nadia nodded. "I guess he did." She glanced away. "You still could do more."

Hikaru shrugged. "Eh, I'm leaving the world conquest plans to the other side."

-----

_Of course, he said that, after the whole Yandroth thing, which came after his dinner at the Tendous…_

----

Hikaru sat in the backyard. Dinner had ended prematurely when Dr. Ono had eaten a spoon, and begun to choke. And Hikaru was about the only one who understood that the Heimlich maneuver did not entail slapping the sufferer repeatedly on the back with loud shouts to 'cough it up'.

It appeared that gaining Nabiki as an in-law was only one of the many disadvantages to pursuing a relationship with Akane Tendou. Maybe he should rethink things. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for such a relationship.

"Nice night," noted Akane.

Maybe one of the most wonderful girls in the world was sneaking up behind him. Hikaru glanced over his shoulder. "Actually, it's clouding up."

"That's not so bad."

"I prefer stars," said Hikaru. "Something to look at."

There was silence for a moment. "What do you think about Ranma?" Akane asked abruptly.

Hikaru shrugged. "What do you want me to say? I've known him for three hours! What opinion can I form aside from the fact that the man has one thickest necks I've ever seen?"

Akane looked at him a moment, nervously. "Would you call him a—good man?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I wouldn't call anybody a good man. Not even me. Actually, especially not me." Hikaru noticed she was looking at him oddly. "I've met worse. Lots worse."

Akane nodded. "We might be getting engaged." She frowned. "He is such a boy. I don't like boys. They're so—boyish." She glanced at him suddenly. "Don't take that the wrong way—I don't consider you a boy at all!"

Hikaru winced. "Gee—thanks." He brought his head down to his knees. "I suppose I'm like a sister…"

"Kinda," agreed Akane.

Hikaru nodded several times, to keep from screaming. "So—'might be engaged'?"

"He's supposed to marry one of us. He hasn't picked yet." Akane frowned. "We're all waiting for him to pick." She took a deep breath. "I hope he doesn't pick me. Like I said, I don't like boys."

Hikaru nodded, and looked at her. She seemed quite pretty, standing there alone in the darkness. "Akane, I—" It started to rain. Hikaru covered his head as best he could, and headed for some shelter. "Oh, son of a—" He paused. Akane seemed t be laughing, letting the rain wash over her. He blinked. "Akane—what are you doing?"

"Isn't it wonderful, Hikaru? A blessed downpouring from the heavens, purifying the earth!"

Hikaru nodded frantically. "You're right. It's freaking magical. Now excuse me as I go unpurify myself inside. Otherwise I might get pneumonia."

"By Volstagg, you moan over a little dampness…"

Hikaru blinked. "Why are swearing by Volstagg the Voluminous?"

Akane paled. "You know of Volstagg?"

Hikaru nodded. "I know a guy who he owes money to." Akane's eyes widened. "Heh—no actually, I'm just a bit of a student of mythology." Not technically a lie—the Ancient One had never said that Volstagg's gambling debts were monetary in nature. Hikaru headed inside.

"Hikaru—were you saying something? Before it started raining?"

Hikaru shook his head. "It was nothing."

-----

_…which probably would have lasted longer, if we hadn't found out about Yandroth!_

_Funny how everything just ties together, ain't it?_

-----

"I just can't believe that _slut_ scooped me!" shouted Arika Miamata. "I beat her to the street, I get the first pictures of the Hulk—at great danger to myself I add—but she's the star of the hour, because that stupid panda went to her camera crew first." Arika shook her head. "Stupid bear should be able to sense my innate journalistic superiority…"

"Pandas aren't bears," said her cameraman, quietly.

"Keep talking like Kasuya, and you'll be back on that street corner, trying to play 'Yesterday' on that piece of shit guitar." Arika turned, scowling. "Aristu's been getting on my case, because I got outflanked that lousy old hack Shutaro, who's made a career out of her freaking bustline!" She snarled. "What's next? A freaking rain of frogs?"

Kasuya coughed. "So—what's the tip?"

Arika shrugged. "Some local café is supposed be a bush-league superhero hangout. Might make a good human-interest story. Might be more. I figure it was worth a look." She stopped in front of the café. A crowd of roughly sixty people was standing in front of it. Their skin was grey, and their eyes were red. Arikau glanced at her cameraman. "Kasuya, go call the station—we're going live."

-----

_But of course, we were all at peak alertness! Superhero code!_

----

Hikaru bumped into Ranma Saotome going it. "Ah, pardon me," muttered Hikaru dejectedly.

"Eh, don't mention it," said Ranma, shrugging. "Way I figure it, guys like me gotta be nice to guys like you.?"

Hikaru frowned to himself. "And who exactly are the 'guys like me'?"

Ranma grinned at him. "You know. Weaker guys."

Hikaru felt a burning urge to break Saotome's perfect teeth, and then use the shards to gouge out his eyes. He suppressed it with some difficulty. "How—noble of you," he muttered acidly. He took a deep breath. "So—I hear you're engaged to one of the Tendou sisters…" He glanced around idly, a distasteful expression on his face. "Made a choice yet?"

"Well, no, and just between us, I ain't planning to," Ranma noted confidentially.

Hikaru's eyebrows shot up. "Really…"

"Yep. I'm a lone wolf—you can't tie me down with a stupid fiancée…"

Hikaru was surprised he was actually more angered by the summary rejection of Akane then he was by the concept of her being engaged to this oaf. "You know, they're very nice girls." He thought that over. "Okay, not all of them, but as the song says, 'Two out of three ain't bad'."

"Hey, I ain't knocking them, but marriage ain't my thing." Ranma shook his head. "Anyway, it's better if none of us get hitched. All three of them have fallen for me." He glanced at Hikaru in resigned wonder. "Not that I blame them. But if I marry one, the rest'll be jealous."

Hikaru stared at the muscle-bound moron. He hadn't actually thought his revulsion for this man could actually increase. "You noxious, self-deluded man-child. Are you so utterly self-absorbed that you actually think every woman in the world is as superficial as you are?"

Ranma blinked in puzzlement. "Okay, now I think you're insulting me."

"I wouldn't dream of it!" said Hikaru. "A tiny frail thing like myself? Why all I can do before the radiant image of perfection that is you is bow and scuttle impotently as I sing your praises."

Ranma frowned. "Now, I'm pretty sure you are."

"Can you find one insult in what I just said?"

Ranma scratched his head. "It was more your tone…"

"There's a pimple on your nose," announced Hikaru.

"Wha—?" Ranma seemed startled then shook his head. "That's impossible. I don't get pimples."

"And yet you will be certain you have a pimple on your nose," said Hikaru calmly. "It will rule your thoughts and distract you endlessly for the next twenty-four hours. Then it will end, and you'll wonder what came over you, never realizing that I did." Hikaru gave a deep bow. "Have a nice day."

Ranma walked away, shaking his head. _That Gosunkugi's a weird guy_, he thought, scratching the pimple on his nose. Hikaru chuckled to himself. He felt petty, yet vindicated.

"What are you grinning about, Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru turned to glance at Nabiki. "The active distribution of karma." He coughed. "I'm assuming the Amazing Six Foot Japanese Man is why you invited me here."

Nabiki snorted. "You do know me, Gosunkugi."

"I merely think of what I'd do if I were unencumbered by any sense of morality, and I am in the land of Nabiki Tendou." He looked away. "So, this is supposed to drive me crazy right?"

Nabiki nodded absently. "You seem to be handling it well…"

"I'm not. This is what I'm like crazy these days. I find it saves both time and energy, as well as costly hospital admittance fees."

"You've changed," said Nabiki with a note of admiration in her voice.

Hikaru nodded. "I met a man in India. A great teacher. He taught me to look within myself for answers. I surprised myself with what I found there."

"So you're a Hindu now?" chuckled Nabiki.

"Still an atheist," replied Hikaru. "Trust me, if people knew what he taught about the gods, they wouldn't just consider atheism, they'd demand it."

Nabiki glanced at him. "So what the hell are we now?"

"We are, Mademoiselle Tendou, friendly adversaries. I have much more severe problems than you these days, but I'm always willing to add you to the list."

"It's good to know there are some constants," noted Nabiki. She headed off then paused. "You know, I always had just a little respect for you. You realized you were being humiliated." She smiled. "That made it more fun."

Hikaru quietly shook his head as she walked away. "Hikaru!" came Kasumi's voice. "Telephone call!"

-----

_And once we were alert—we were alerting!_

-----

Hikaru fiddled with the television. "Okay, Kagome, I've got it on Channel Four, now what—"

"—And once again, a gang of freakish deformed people are standing in front of the Café Nadesico," said anchorman Kensuke Ooneda. "And wait—Arika Miamata has uncovered a new wrinkle."

The picture shifted to Arika standing next to a man in a bloodstained suit, with ashen skin, and glowing red eyes. "I'm standing here with a member of the gang that's besieging the good café Nadesico," stated the reporter. She pointed the microphone at the ghoulish looking man's face. "Now then, sir, what is your name?"

"I have no name—I need no name."

Arika blinked. "I see…"

"My only distinction in the hordes of Yandroth the Magician is that the great lord Yandroth has empowered me to speak to you. Yandroth wishes to speak to Dr. Strange. Yandroth will be spoken to by him. Or people in the café will begin dying."

"Umm, so who is Yandroth?" asked Arika nervously.

"Yandroth is life. Yandroth is death. Yandroth is all." The man looked at the camera. "Come now, Dr. Strange." He retreated back into the crowd, and was quickly lost among them.

Arika glanced nervously back to the camera. "It appears he—urr—doesn't want to speak to us anymore." She straightened. "Of course, we have to ask—who is this Yandroth? What does he have against Japan's most reclusive superhero? These questions and others can only be answered by the mysterious—Dr. Strange."

Hikaru snorted. He knew for a fact they couldn't be. Though Yandroth sounded familiar for some reason… He shook his head. "All right, I'll be—what? Nadia's there? You're sure?" He nodded. "Right, well just stay—what? You're on the scene?" He took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to make this simple. Don't do anything, until I get there, which will be soon." He blinked. "Yes, that goes for Lum. What, she came with you? What is it with you people? I mean, why'd you even—" He shook his head. "Wait a minute, how'd you even get this number?!!" He glanced up from the phone. The Tendous and Saotomes had entered the room, and were all staring at him. He coughed. "Manga club business. Very important. Must be off."

"So, Dr. Iwata," said Ooneda formally, "what do you think causes people to become disheveled rebels against all we hold dear, following the messianic delusions of a madman?"

"Well, Ken," said Dr. Iwata, "I blame heavy metal music."

"Indeed," noted Ooneda sagiaciously.

Ranma's eyes fell to the news sprawl trailing beneath the anchor. " 'Diner held hostage'?" He glanced at Hikaru, hand scratching his nose. "How's that manga club business?"

Hikaru frowned. In all honesty, he was surprised that Saotome could read. "It's our favorite meeting place. And so, we're having an emergency meeting, to vote on an alternate meeting place in case this one is destroyed. Overdue really. I've been telling about this, but they kept putting it off." He bowed nervously, then headed to the door.

Nabiki stared at him suspiciously. "You're having a meeting so you can vote about where to hold meetings?"

"Yes," barked Hikaru. "Isn't bureaucracy grand?" He shook his head. "I told them this day would come, but they didn't believe me! No one has quite adjusted to the fact that Japan is no longer the safe nation it was! We're in the middle of the strangest crime wave the world has ever seen, and nobody's really noticing! Personally, I think they should put in the brochures. 'Come to Tokyo! See the sights! Enjoy the food! Be mugged by mask-wearing psychopaths! Reserve your tickets today!' " He gave a dismissive wave of the hand. "But that's just me! So—I'm off! Shalom!" And with that, he jogged out of the room.

There was an awkward silence.

It was a measure of the night's oddness that it was Kasumi who broke it. "My goodness, Hikaru is… different. He used to be so—quiet and—awkward. And now he's loud and—well, still awkward, but that's because he makes you feel awkward."

Genma shook his head. "He is a typical maladjusted modern youth, unable to cope with the world because his family has abandoned the traditions that have served us so well. Now, Ranma on the other hand…" Ranma nudged his father in the stomach. Genma glanced around.

The room had emptied.

Genma coughed. "Excellent. My plan to—"

Ranma conked him on the head. "Don't even try to pretend you planned that, pops."

"Enough," said Genma harshly. "Ranma—a challenge has been issued. You, as a hero, must answer it."

Ranma glared at his father. "No, pops. Thought it was clear—not doing the hero thing." He shook his head. "Anyway, it's this Dr. Strange guy's deal. If he's anything like most these weirdos, he'll get really pissy if I try to poach his fight." He shrugged, and went back to scratching his nose. "I've got enough problems already. I ain't making any new ones."

Genma sighed. It amazed him that Ranma still had not accepted his destiny, despite all Genma's subtle coaching. Genma smiled and shook his head. He shouldn't worry. Why, thanks to his own stellar example, Ranma was bound to become a paragon of heroism. He just needed time, and a few more life-threatening situations.

Ranma glanced at Genma worriedly. "Hey, pops, you got any idea what I should do about this pimple?"

Genma nodded to himself. Yep. Any day now.

-----

_Yes, there we were—Hellcat, Son of Satan, and Devil-Slayer! Ready to righteously right wrongs to make them right! To courageously fight evil badness! To do good guy stuff!_

_And Lum was there too._

-----

"Come on guys!" shouted the alien princess. "It's only sixty-seven! We can take them!"

Kagome gulped. "Hikaru said to wait for him."

Lum snorted. "And I suppose you always do what Dr. Strange says?"

"As a general rule, yes," noted Miroku.

Lum stared at them defiantly. "Hmmph. Is this the group I have been forced to throw my fate with? Where is your warrior spirit? Where is the drive to conquer?" She began to wave her fist. "Together, we can take this 'caf' and overcome Dr. Strange so that we not fear his threat of reprisal! If we have faith! If we have courage! If we have—ONINESS! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She smiled at them. "So what do you say?"

"No," said Miroku.

"Nope," said Kagome.

"Hell, no," said Inu-Yasha.

Lum pouted. "Hmmph." She stomped her foot, then turned and embraced Inu-Yasha. "Darling, wet's go fight the silly old zombies, pweaaaaa—"

Inu-Yasha's hand covered her mouth. "You keep this up an' nobody's fightin' any zombies."

"I really can't leave you guys alone, can I?" noted Hikaru.

"You're here quickly," said Miroku.

"I teleported part of the distance, then jogged the rest of the way." Hikaru clapped his hands. "Well, let's get moving. Go save the hostages, protect the diner…"

Lum stuck out her chest impressively. "Yes! Tonight Japan shall see Captain Oni on your Earth tellyvishun, and learn who this planet's new master is!"

Hikaru nodded. "Almost forgot about that." He glanced at the camera.

A moment later Kasuya was nervously explaining things to a furious Arika. "But how could it just—stop working?" the reporter shouted. "Don't you look after these things?"

"Actually no, miss, but to be honest, this is a bit odd…"

Hikaru glanced back at his allies. "Okay, let's go." They walked towards the animate corpses.

"All right!" shouted Lum. "We're gonna get it on!" Her fists were quickly surrounded with glowing nimbuses of light. "Prepare for an asskicking from me, unliving hordes, an asskicking at the hands of—"

Hikaru snapped his fingers. "Bonds of death, laws of life—I invoke thee." The things collapsed on the street and withered into dust. "Petty necromancy," muttered Hikaru disgustedly. "If this is the extent of Yandroth's ability, he's no one to boast." A troubled look came over his face. "Now, damn it, where have I heard that name before…"

Lum glanced at the rapidly scattering piles of dust, and then ran after Hikaru and the others as they went into the café. "Hey! You owe me a royal throwdown! Guys!"

-----

_But nobody was ready for what was waiting for us in the Café Nadesico._

_Not even Hikaru._

-----

The waitress was sitting at the counter, smoking calmly. "Hey, Dr. Strange."

"You seem calm," noted Hikaru.

"He's letting me smoke," she replied. "I'm in heaven."

Hikaru looked to the side, at the two men sitting next to her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Akito Tenkowa," muttered the nervy-looking one wearing an apron. "The cook."

He glanced away. "Now please don't talk to me, I'm not getting involved."

The cheerful man next to him shook his head in mocking disapproval. "Ahh, Akito—that's no way to handle things." He glanced at the heroes smiling. "I'm Justin Ueki Tylor—the manager here." He glanced at his fellow hostage. "You know Akito, that bad attitude is what makes you a cook, and me the manager."

"I like being a cook! And you're a lousy manager, you irresponsible moron!"

"So that's why I got a raise," said Tylor cheerfully, lying back on the counter to take a nap.

"You what?" screamed Akito. "Hey—you can't fall asleep on me now! Damn it we're hostages!"

The waitress pointed towards a booth. "Yandroth is sitting back there."

"Thanks," said Hikaru as he turned towards it.

"Don't thank me till you see him," muttered the waitress.

"At last!" said Lum. "A chance to prove myself in the glorious contest of arms—"

"Shut up, Lum," said Hikaru.

"I was about to say that myself," came a familiar voice.

Hikaru froze. "Yandroth—I remember now…"

Yandroth the Magician glanced at him casually. "I'm glad to hear that. I'd like to think you'd remember your creations." He sipped his coffee. Aside from being completely bald, Yandroth's face was identical to Hikaru's.

He put down his mug. "You know, the coffee here is rather poor," he noted.

"It's the ambience," said Hikaru. "I come here for the ambience."

-----

_That's right! He looked just like Hikaru! Only bald! It was so freaky! Really freaky! Super freaky!_

_Hikaru handled it pretty well, though._

-----

Hikaru frowned. "Well, I have to say, Yandroth, you're looking good for an imaginary friend I gave up years ago."

Yandroth chuckled. "I'm more—the part of you that made that Yandroth then a living version of him," he noted quietly. He smiled. "Still it's nice to see you." He looked across the table at Nadia, whose arms rested before her on the table, bound by a glowing red length of chain. "Isn't it nice, Nadia?"

"Go to blazes, Yandroth," she muttered. "And when you get there, have the devil sodomize you."

Yandroth rolled his yes in an illusion of tolerance. "See what I'm going through, Strange? I'm amazed you put up with it."

"You poor thing," said Hikaru bitterly. "There—I just threw you a bone. Now, what exactly are you, and why the hell did you come here?"

"On Lum's ship, you cast prison of the self—" noted Yandroth.

"Damn," said Hikaru. "I knew that was risky."

"Ah, but normally you would have been fine," stated Yandroth cheerfully. "A brief psychic echo would have been made, then just as quickly faded. But Captain Oni's ship was not a normal situation. The combination of your frustration and the ship's unique energy-gathering capabilities created… an especially strong impression…"

Hikaru snorted. "And that would be you. How happy."

"It was frightening at first to be born so suddenly, but I was able to collect myself, and synthesize a body out organic waste." continued Yandroth. "I chose your face, because, after all, when we create our little heroes and friends in childhood, they all have our face. We just pretend they don't."

"So you are literally made of shit," noted Hikaru quietly. Nadia chuckled.

Yandroth glanced at Nadia, who began to scream in pain, collapsing face first on the table. Hikaru stepped next to her, and put his hand on her back. Nadia took a deep breath, and smiled at him. "Thank you," she said weakly.

"Don't mention it," he muttered. He glared at Yandroth. "Do that again, and there won't be enough of you to fill a petri dish with when this is over."

Yandroth giggled. "Ooh, such frightful threats! I quail in the face of your awesome wrath!" A smug smile covered his face. "You forget, Hikaru, I know you. I know your weakness. I know your—restraint." Yandroth shook his head. "Rest assured, I share neither."

Hikaru stared at him calmly. "I can see you lack my 'restraint'—the green velvet robe proves that, even without the undead horde. But what's this weakness of mine? Chocolate Éclairs?"

"Compassion Gosunkugi." Yandroth glanced at the others. "Though you try not to show it, you care about this ragged little band of yours, despite their utter feebleness…" He gestured at Inu-Yasha. A wave of force knocked the half-demon off his feet. "And so you keep yourself from doing what you by right should do…"

"Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome.

"Darling!" shouted Lum.

Yandroth continued to bombard Inu-Yasha with raw bludgeoning power. "See now little dog? All your endless alpha male posturing, your puny efforts to unseat my original—and you never stood a chance. You are to him nothing more than a flea to the sun!"

Lum gave a shout and leapt before the half-demon, the waves of power unsteadying her. Slowly, she put up a simple barrier of energy, blocking the cavalcade of damaging force. Kagome ran to Inu-Yasha's side. She glanced up at the Oni. "Are—are you all right?"

Lum swallowed harshly. "I'm—fine. Make sure—darling's okay…"  
Yandroth cackled. "See, Doctor? Weakness! Each of them puts forth efforts to help the others, and so is drained of effort they could use to help themselves!"

Hikaru raised his hand, and launched a simple bolt that knocked Yandroth's hand askew. "Well, I see now I should never have read all that Ayn Rand when I was twelve. Also, that the bald look really doesn't suit me." He glanced away. "And don't pretend that proved anything but what an asshole you are Yandroth. Now why have I been called here?"

"An offer," said Yandroth. "You are basically my father, after all, and so I felt obliged. And with two of us, it will go faster."

"World conquest," noted Yandroth with delight. "You know we can do it! You know you can do it! All it takes is will!" He stared at Hikaru hungrily. "Think about it. What I just did—swatting that beast down—on some level, you desire that. Wasn't it sweet, to watch him suffer? I'm offering that to you on a scale of billions."

"Why don't I just get you a white Persian cat to stroke, Blofeld?" said Hikaru dryly. "None of what you're saying is particularly original—and I've had the offer before. I said no then and I'm saying no now."

Yandroth glanced at him a moment, then sighed. "Pity. Now I'll have to kill you as well the Ancient One." He glanced at Miroku. "Beat yourself with your staff."

"Stop that Miroku," announced Hikaru. "And that's your plan? Kill the Ancient One?"

Yandroth shrugged. "He is old—tired. Ripe for replacement. Once I've claimed the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme, I will also claim the world. "

"The Sorcerer Supreme is the protector of the world—not the ruler," snapped Hikaru.

"Well, of course, I'll protect it," smiled Yandroth. "One doesn't want one's things to be broken."

"No, one doesn't want that, does one?" muttered Hiakru. "You're not the first wizard to think you can do this, Yandroth. All the others were mistaken. You're not breaking the mold." He glanced at Nadia. "What do you think?"

Nadia nodded. "I think you're right." Suddenly she twisted back, uprooting the table and sending it toppling towards Yandroth. Hikaru struck her bonds causing them to dissolve. The pair leapt back. Nadia stretched her arms. "What was that?"

"Crimson Bands of Cyttorak…" answered Hikaru. "So—what have you found out about Mr. Yandroth?"

"He's a prick," she stated evenly.

"Apple didn't fall too far from the tree then," noted Hikaru.

"He lacks your delightful sense of self-depreciation," said Nadia. "That's too far for me." Yandroth launched a horrendous bolt of mystic energy at the pair that Hikaru blocked. "Plus, he's a bad hurt kind of fellow," she added.

"Don't worry, Dr. Strange!" shouted Kagome. "Hellcat's on the way!"

Yandroth snarled and gestured to the kitchen. With a boom, a lumbering, steaming frothing machine emerged into the dining room.

"The Cappuccinoator-6000!" screamed Akito. "It's on the rampage!"

"Now that's something you don't see every day," noted Tylor.

"No, that'd be seeing it work properly," groaned the waitress.

The now rampaging luxury coffee machine charged towards Lum, Kagome and Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha glanced at Lum. "Blast the damn thing!"

"Umm—I'm sort of—low on energy right now…" she muttered nervously.

Inu-Yasha stared at her in shock. "But—you—you nearly killed the freakin' Hulk!"

"Yes, but I was on my ship then," answered Lum.

"How does that make a difference?" snapped Inu-Yasha.

"Oni captains draw energy from their ships," answered Lum. "When I was onboard the Tcha, the ship gathered cosmic energy for me—I just had to focus it. Now I've got to gather it myself." She bit her lip. "It takes longer, and I don't get much…"

"Great, so now ya tell us," groaned Inu-Yasha.

A staff clanked into the Cappuccinoator's side. "Just let the Devil-Slayer handle this!" shouted Miroku. The machine blasted steam at him, then tossed towards the others. He landed with a thud before them. "On second thought," he muttered weakly, "I could use some help…"

Lum raised her fist. "Right! Even though I'm not on my ship—I'm still Lum Oni! The Oniest Oni who ever Onied! I will be TRIUMPHANT!" She charged towards the dangerous latte mixer. "To me, my genetic inferiors! To me and victory!"

Miroku raised himself up, and followed after her. "Aye, aye Captain!"

Kagome rushed after them, stringing an arrow to her bow. "Hey! Who are you calling 'inferiors'?"

"You," answered Lum.

"Well, that's not very nice…"

Yandroth's blasts continued to shake the force field surrounding Hikaru and Nadia. "Give it up, Doctor!" yelled Yandroth. "You can't beat me! I'm you, minus your foolish limitations."

Hikaru shook his head. "I guess it's true—the copy's never as sharp as the original." He raised his hand and started to chant. "Osshur's bindings, sure and strong, twist and turn, encase the wrong."

Yandroth blinked as a smoky golden wisp of mist encircled his waist. "Wha—?"

"Osshur's bindings, strong and thick, tangle your threads, to wrongness stick."

Yandroth screamed as a golden glowing rope twisted around him. "What is happening?" he cried, falling to the grouned.

"Osshur's bindings, thick and sure, bind the lace, the wrongness cure."

Yandroth stared at him angrily, as the golden ropes twisted around him. "This is impossible! Osshur's bindings only repair dimensional tears—irregularities in space and time!"

"That's what you are, Yandroth," said Hikaru. "You're an echo of what's in me that living out in my world. You shouldn't be here." He shrugged. "Of course, I'm not surprised that didn't occur to you. You're a pretty lousy magician Yandroth. You have no restraint, so the more subtle forms and applications escape you. Instead you forever bludgeon with as much raw power as you can, relying on simple tricks any practitioner can use." Hikaru shook his head. "You'll never progress, Yandroth. The secrets of true mastery can only be coaxed forth, not torn."

Yandroth snarled at him. "You lie! I am your equal, Strange! All you know, I know!"

"Knowledge is only half of magic," noted Hikaru. "And that might be a liberal estimate. You may possess the sterile knowhow I gained from the Ancient One's training, but the objective experience I have gained, you lack. I stood naked to flame, wind, water, wood, and steel, and bound them to me. You merely remember the process."

Yandroth gulped. "I can still—gain the experience! Progress! No matter what you say! I may not quite equal you now, but—"

"But nothing, Yandroth. The spirits will never truly obey you—they will only respond to your demands and threats. And unlike the petty necromantic tricks you love," said Hikaru, a rose-shaped flame spouting in his hand, "with the elements and the Lords of Being, threats are never enough. There must also be—sympathy. What's another word—oh, yes. Compassion." He smiled bleakly at Yandroth. "So—you say you'll go to the Ancient One? Loose my binding and I'll send you there myself. For training however. Not combat."

Yandroth stared at the binding. "But it will take a hundred years to undo these!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Two hundred if you're careful. And you should be."

Yandroth was silent for a moment, then stared up at Hikaru, snarling in rage. "You fool! You're lying to me! There's no need for me to unlock what I can force!" He gritted his teeth, a bluish glow surrounding him. Suddenly, the light fizzled, and turned red. As Yandroth began to scream, his increasingly translucent form wavered, then vanished.

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "I'm sorry for—"

Nadia shook her head. "Don't be Hikaru. That wasn't you. Just some—thing wearing your face." The pair walked out towards the front.

Kagome laughed heartily, and smiled at Inu-Yasha. "Well, that was an epic struggle," she noted, sitting on the Cappuccinoator-6000's demolished chavis.

"I'll say," groaned Inu-Yasha, rubbing his bruised arms.

"A glorious battle!" shouted Lum, interposing herself between the two. "Stick with me, minions, and victory is assured! And I'm no skinflint—I promise to grant you every bit of credit you deserve."

Miroku saluted her. "I hear you, Captain Oni."

Lum frowned. "Eyes on the face."

Hikaru stared at the group then chuckled. "You know—have I ever told you guys how much I appreciate you guys?"

Kagome glanced up. "Really?"  
"Yes," he answered. "I'd be lost without my comic foils."

Inu-Yasha sat up suddenly. "Hey!"

"Well," noted Tylor, "who's an idiot for buying superbeing damage insurance with special clauses for undead hordes, magicians, and animated coffee machines? And you said I was 'conned'."

Akito glowered at him. "I hate you so much right now, it's choking me."

-----

_And you know, it's like Hikaru says—the best part of things being over is that they're over._

-----

The group sat in Hikaru's lounge, watching the television. "Oh, yeah," said the waitress to Arika, "I know Dr. Strange. Nice guy. Good tipper."

Arika nodded. "Anything to say to your family, having gone through such a horrific ordeal?"

The waitress glanced at the camera. "Hey mom, it's Haruka-chan. Tokyo sucks, but less than your house. And no, I'm not calling you."

Arikau gave a startled nod. "It's—nice to see such a—forthright familial relationship."

Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Well, your first public endorsement."

"Ahh, the appreciation of a bitter, future cigarette hag." Hikaru shook his head. "Now my day is complete."

"So—who was that first Yandroth you were talking about?" asked Kagome.

"An imaginary friend I had. He was a scientist who lived on the moon, and had a giant computer. That is all that is relevant about my imaginary friend Yandroth." Hikaru leaned back and shut his eyes.

"Any chance of him returnin'?" asked Inu-Yasha quietly.

Hikaru shrugged. "It's possible. If he survived a dangerous trip through a temporary dimensional rift, anything's possible."

-----

_So I figure Yandroth's gone. I mean, who could survive that?_

-----

When Aubrey, Vincent, and Steel returned to their campsite, a bald man in a gree robe was sitting before the fire. He glanced at them imperiously. "What world is this?"

Aubrey drew his crossbow. "Listen scum, no guttersnipe can poach the Yellow Band's camp—"

The man glanced at him in an irritated fashion. Aubrey fell backwards, oozing blood. "You bast—" screamed Steel, only to join Aubrey dying on the ground.

The man glanced at Vincent. "Now, do you have an objection to me?" Vincent shook his head. "So, what world is this?"

"G-Gaea," answered Vincent nervously.

The man thought that over, then nodded. "Summarize the present geopolitical situation."

After a few nervous starts, Vincent preceded to do just that, with many fits of stuttering and hysterical digressions.

Yandroth thought it over, then smiled. "Sounds—intriguing. Now, about these Escaflowne…"

-----

_But hey, that's something we might never be sure about. (Unless he turns up again.)_

_Nadia's been spending a lot more time Hikaru these days. I don't know why._

-----

"So," asked Nadia softly, as they walked up the stairs, "how'd your talk with Akane go?"

"It didn't," answered Hikaru. "Though I did discover she's almost psychotically fond of rain, and uses archaic Viking oaths."

Nadia blinked. "Oh. Well—that's too bad. I'm sorry—"

"Don't be," replied Hikaru. "It's my own fault. I built her up to something in my mind that the real Akane could never live up to. She's a perfectly nice girl, but—" Hikaru shook his head. "After over ten years of being obsessed with her, I've discovered she's not my type." He blinked. "Man that's sad."

Nadia glanced at him quizzically. "So—I guess that means you're—done with her?"

"Yes—well, maybe—probably—I don't know—ask me later," mumbled Hikaru, as he receded into his room

Nadia watched him shut the door, then punched the air in joyful triumph. "Yes!"

-----

_Oh, well. The point is—things happened!_

_Wait! Just had an epiphany! The perfect name for us—the MICRONAUTS!_

_Update—well, on the plus side, Hikaru says I finally used epiphany correctly. Go, Kagome!_

-----

-Next Chapter-

CRIMSON COWL: Hello fans! I'm back! With more first class villainy, more Masters of Evil, and—well, just more. So tune in next time for "Masters of War"! Because I'm so good, I make anything worth reading.

MIROKU: I can't believe you've let a supervillain read the next chapter bit before me—twice!

HIKARU: Three times if you count Pastrami Pete…

------

Author's Notes:

Read earlier chapters for the whole, 'I don't own this—please don't sue' reel.

I'm aware that I've changed Yandroth significantly, but hey—sometimes you've got to go with what your gut tells you. And anyway, I had to have him appear—he was a big part of Dr. Strange, and the Defenders.

I'm now halfway through the first part of "Defending". Chapter 8 will take awhile.


	8. Masters of War

"You see, Mr. Matsui, I'm an old-fashioned negotiator," noted the Crimson Cowl, stepping over the desiccated corpses of the yakuza boss's bodyguards. "Medieval style, actually. Kill them all, and let God sort them out, that's my motto." The Cowl spread his arms gracefully. "Do realize a bishop said that? I kid you not. A _bishop_!"

Aikage Matsui spat on the floor before the Cowl. "You're a monster."

"What? For agreeing with a pious and devout bishop?" The Crimson Cowl sighed. "This is truly a sad and misguided world." He glanced sharply at Matsui. "Don't even think about picking up your gun. I like this conversation we're having, but you know, I like lots of things I have no problem destroying if it becomes necessary. I'm eerily practically in that fashion." He glanced at his underlings. "Oddball! Powderkeg! Everything okay?"

"Just fine," noted the juggler idly.

"Yep," said the short redhead with a flamethrower on her back. "Everything's copasetic, boss!" She gave him a thumbs-up, then turned back to the bodyguard at her feet, lighting another match.

The Cowl turned to Matsui. "You see you have to communicate with your underlings—work up a bond. Make sure you understand their hopes and dreams." Matsui's bodyguard made a dull scream. "Then—and only then—can you be called a leader."

Matsui turned away. "Why are you people torturing me like this?"

The Crimson Cowl slammed his hands on Matsui's desk. "Because we're the Masters of Evil! Do you think the name's an exaggeration? I have brought together some of the most thoroughly vicious criminals I could find, criminals who even push the limits of humanity, and I have done it so we can push further! We are torturing you because we like it and because you made the great mistake of not doing what we wanted you to when we wanted you to." The Cowl waved a finger admonishingly. "That was stupid of you, I feel obligated to point out."

Matsui gulped. "Y-you can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? I am Aikage Matsui, and I will not be mocked by a costumed-wearing freak..."

The Cowl's hand darted forward and grabbed Matsui by the throat. "I think you'll find lots of things you always thought wouldn't happen—are going to happen. It's a changing world, my friend, and your kind just moved a notch down the food chain." He yanked Matsui up towards him. "Now—where is the ring?"

Matsui shut his eyes. "Go—go to hell."

The Crimson Cowl gave a compassionate sigh. "Wrong answer." He yanked Matsui over his desk, and then smashed him into the window. "You see, I'm very sensitive about how people answer my questions. A wrong answer—it hurts my feelings. Gets me all out of sorts. I don't like that. Hope you understand." He glanced at Matsui's cringing form. "Hmm. You didn't go through. .."

"I-it's plexiglass," whimpered Matsui. "It doesn't break."

"Everything breaks," drawled the Cowl. "Just some things take a little more time and effort." He rammed Matsui into the window again. "Allow me to demonstrate."

It took the Cowl seven tries to finally get Matsui through.

"There," said the supervillain cheerfully. "Just proved my point." He glanced down. "My goodness—that is a long fall. Now, let's get back to our discussion. The ring. Its location. Now."

"Yea—ya—err—ahh…" stated Matsui.

"I know," said the Cowl. "You're thinking 'he's going to drop me', right? The truth is—I might. I haven't decided yet. I like to think things through. I'm a very deliberate man. But I must remind you, Mr. Matsui, there are two things you can do. You can give me reasons not to drop you, or you can give me reasons to drop you." The Cowl gave a good-humored shake of his head. "It's all in your ballpark."

Matsui shut his eyes, panicked tears running from their corners. "Behind the picture. There's a safe. The combination is—"

"Irrelevant." The Cowl glanced to the side. "Moonstone! Attend to this matter." The pale girl in the corner floated over to the safe. "So," said the Cowl slowly, an almost sensual tone to his voice. "You broke. Just like I knew you would. A typical yakuza. No art. No will. Just greed, and the ability to lean on people weaker than you are. How pathetic." He pulled Matsui forward. "It's about time for you to be put out of your misery—and we've come to do it! The heirs to Zemo—to Moriarty—to Fantomas—to Vep! Men and women who accepted no laws—no rules, but their own undeniable wills! True men! Not pathetic cowardly thugs like you! Dear god, you make me sick, you heap of human refuse, I find breathing the same air as you to be an insult…" He glanced to the side. "Moonstone. Have you got the ring?"

"Yes," replied Moonstone. "Some time ago."

"Ahh. Good," said the Cowl calmly. He released Matsui. "I really wish you'd mention things like that without my asking you, Moonstone. This air of utter servility you assume is very irritating."

Powderkeg stared at the Cowl. "You just sent that man falling towards a horrible death with the utter casualness of a man crushing a fly."

The Cowl turned to her. "That's right. Anything you want to say to me about that?"

Powderkeg pouted. "Well, I was hoping to burn him is all…"

The Cowl stared at her for a moment, then tussled her hair. "You're a sweet child." He glanced over at Moonstone. "The ring, please."

As Moonstone handed her employer the ring, Oddball sniffed the air distastefully. "What's that smell?"

"Mr. Matsui I believe," the Crimson Cowl said abstractly. "He seems to have messed his pants during our discussion, and the smell is lingering." The Cowl gave a distracted look out the window, then shook his head. "As he, it seems, is not. Dead on impact. What a way to go." The Cowl spread his hands to the heavens. "When I see the transience of human life, sometimes, it makes me weep." He turned and headed to the door. "Let's get going then."

"See, I'm not getting a chance to burn the building, so I figured I'd get him as—what do you call it—compensation!" noted Powderkeg to Oddball.

The Cowl glanced at the jagged purple gem in the ring's center. "So few left to gather…"

-----

Hikaru Gosunkugi woke up with a start, his body drenched in a cold sweat. He took a few deep breaths, then shook his head. "Damn. There goes another one…"

-----

Defending

Chapter 8—Masters of War

An "Avenging" Spinoff

David Dee

-----

"Hi-YAAA!"

Inu-Yasha raised Tetsaiga panting. He readied it, then slashed down with as much strength as he could muster.

"Hi-YAAA!"

"Do you have to keep doing that, darling?" asked Lum, glancing up from her sunbathing. "You've been at it for three hours now, and it's getting weally, weally boring…." She pouted at him.

Inu-Yasha glared at her. "First, don't call me darlin'. Second, I've got to keep practicin' cause I'm gettin' to be a joke."

Kagome glanced up at him, as Kilala curled around her shoulders. "She does have a point, Inu-Yasha. You're pressing yourself kinda hard." She shook her head. "Anyway, you're no joke…"

Inu-Yasha stared at her. "Name the last time I beat a top-rung villain…"

Kagome blinked then coughed. "You—took out the Wal—"

"I thought we both agreed that we were never goin' to mention that guy again!" shouted the half-demon.

"Umm—right." She glanced away. "Well—you took out twenty—no wait, thirty of those HYDRA goons last week…"

"Small-fry. That's all I can handle these days." A frown came over his face. "Let's be honest—if this is group's gotta weak link, it's me…"

"Hey, Miroku's generally does worse than you!" said Kagome cheerfully. She laughed slightly. "Well, except for those times when he's saved you. Like when you got yourself surrounded by those angry lava people…"

"I REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME WITHOUT YA HELPIN' ME!" screamed Inu-Yasha. He took a deep breath. "It wasn't so bad before. I told myself I was the muscle, that I was supposed to take the hits, but these days…" He frowned. "I gotta get better. And practicin' is the only way to do it."

Lum sighed. "Oh, darling, you're being foolish. So you're a joke as a fighter, a bold fool who goes in and gets the floor mopped with him, over and over. So what? That's what I love about ya!" She leapt up, wrapped her arms around him, and pinched his cheek. "That silly, willy ol' spark of foolish pride! I wuv my widdle darling, yes I do!"

Inu-Yasha glared at her. "Let go of my face, or I'll chop off yer hand."

Lum laughed. "No you won't, darling. You love me, and anyway, I'd smash you utterly you ever tried." She rested her head on his shoulder, and cooed.

Inu-Yasha stared grimly ahead, and readied his sword, then slashed down. "Hi-YAAA!"

Lum pouted and walked away. "Fine, be like that." She went back to her sunbathing. "But I'll have you know that's the last offer to make out you'll get from me for—oh, the next twenty minutes or so…"

Kagome glared at her briefly, then glanced at Inu-Yasha earnestly. "Look, I know what this is about. It's what Yandroth said. Cheer up—he was just being an evil dobblegunker, like Hikaru said. You shouldn't care about what he says to you…"

"Except that he was right," said Inu-Yasha raising his sword once again.

"But—look, nothing's changed," offered Kagome. "I mean, yeah, Hikaru can beat you, but he always could and you always knew it, so everything's exactly like it always was."

Inu-Yasha glared at her. "Well, I don't like it that way, so I'm changin' it. Understand?" He glanced back at his sword. "Hi-YAAA!"

Lum looked at Kagome, confidentially. "Umm—look, you've known darling longer, so maybe you can tell me—what does he think this will do?"

Kagome sighed. "I honestly have no idea."

Inu-Yasha glared at her. "The Wind Scar technique…"

Kagome slapped her forehead. "That's right, that super move that you managed to use once, and haven't been able to duplicate since." She smiled nervously at him. "So, how's it going?"

Inu-Yasha frowned. "Not good."

-----

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Hikaru glanced at Miroku. "Of course not. I have no idea what a good idea actually entails these days. My entire sense of what the sensible course of action is has been demolished by entering a shadow universe where the laws of common sense and logic fall before impulse, luck, and deus ex machina. But my idea of what's a bad idea is unimpaired. Letting these evil bastards run around and continue this murderous little crime spree—that's a bad idea. Which is why we're not doing it. We're going to chase down this narrow little lead, and see if it goes anywhere." He walked towards the slightly rundown building with the sign that said 'The Better Path'. Nadia stared at the building oddly. Hikaru glanced back at her. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing. Just a—headache."

Hikaru nodded, a touch of cynicism in his expression. "Well, then let's take care of this then. If we're lucky, we'll have a lead when we come out. If we're unlucky, we'll just have some of those annoying pamphlets they pass out…" The group walked into the building.

'The Better Path' was simple place, little more than a large room with a number of cots in it. Most of them were filled by people in ragged clothing, either sleeping, or in a drunken stupor. The difference between the two states was often difficult to detect. The handful of cots that were empty were being made by a tiny staff—two or three people, busily cleaning and straightening things. Hikaru approached a short blonde who was in the middle of changing sheets. "Hello there, I'm looking for Maron…"

The blonde glanced at him coldly. Her face had deep lines that seemed oddly premature, making it impossible to guess her age. "You've found me. Now, what do you want, and why are you wearing a freaky big cape?"

Hikaru blinked. "Umm, yes, well, I'm Dr. Strange, and—" He coughed slightly. "I thought you were the manager of this place?"

"I am," answered Maron darkly. "But there isn't much to manage, so I usually wind up doing a lot of the work here myself." She stared at him oddly. "But let's see—Dr. Strange." She smiled slightly. Hikaru, despite himself, noted she was missing a front tooth. "I've heard of you."

"Really?" began Hikaru hopefully. "Because I really need—"

"You put five of my clients in the jailhouse last week," she noted clinically. "Except for Toru. He wound up in the hospital."

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "I believe I know the individuals in question. They were in the employ of a fellow who called himself Shocker. He was trying to rob a bank. Nearly succeeded."

Maron stared back at him levelly. "They're wetheads, Doctor. They'll do anything if they see a chance for a bottle of malt liquor on the other side of it."

"Including drawing guns?" said Hikaru sharply. "Because that's what Mr. Toru did."

"And so it was all right for you to cause him bodily injury." Maron nodded. "Thanks for making your views on the subject clear."

"Actually, Dr. Strange is one of the reasons he's in the hospital instead of the morgue," stated Nadia lightly. "He helped—restrain Captain Oni, an ally of ours who takes a rather formal view of fights where weapons are drawn."

Maron stared at Nadia for a moment. "Have we—?"

Nadia glanced away. "I would have no idea whether we've met or not. I wasn't in—the best possession of my faculties until recently."  
"Right." Maron glanced the group over. "Look, I know what you're thinking—I'm just another civvie giving you shit." She shook her head. "The truth is, I used to walk the gilded path of superheroism myself." She glanced away. "Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne. League of Magical Girls, founding member…"

Hikaru blinked, and stared at her in surprise. "What the hell happened to you?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but—I remember the League. Vaguely. You guys were popular, well-loved, had your own merchandising chain. And now I've met two of you, and you're both…umm, well…"

"Drunken has-beens?" chuckled Maron. "Well, I think what got most of us was that Japan's fondness for Magical Girls tends to fade when they become Magical Women." She frowned. "Also, in my personal case, all I can say is when a guy claims to have been involved with you in another life, you should realize that if it didn't work then it probably won't work now…"

Hikaru looked away awkwardly. "You know—you guys saved the world once…"

"So they tell me," said Maron, glancing over the crowded hall. "I have my doubts."

Hikaru coughed. Maron took a deep breath. "Look—I know you think what you're doing is important, but in the long run stopping people while they're breaking the law just cures the symptoms. Me, I work on the disease."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Look, we're on the same side when you get down to it…"

"I don't know what gives you that idea," said Maron.

"Malachite and Zoisite sent us," said Miroku.

Maron glanced over at him. "You must be Miroku. They talk about you a lot."

Miroku bowed. "I'm honored…

"Yep. Say I should trust you about as far as I can throw you," Maron noted cheerfully. "Said that you're the sort of guy, who if his own mother was on his fire, would charge her for water."

Miroku glared at her. "Oh, I'd make an exception for my own mother!" he noted in offended tones.

Hikaru slumped forward, and covered his face with his hands. "All right. You win. Don't tell us about the Masters of Evil."

Maron glanced at him. "Did you just say 'Masters of Evil'?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No, I said, 'don't tell us about the Masters of Evil'. That's a complete sentence. If I'd just said 'Masters of Evil' it would have been sentence fragment."

Maron glanced at him. "Has anyone ever told you you're an asshole?"

"Quite a few people actually," noted Hikaru. "I try not to let it ruin my disposition."

Maron sighed. "Like it needs any help." She shook her head, and turned away. "Follow me." She walked towards the back of the shelter, heading towards a small office. The others went after her.

As he walked into the room, Hikaru noted it was filled with a clutter of papers and boxes. Maron shuffled through the papers idly. "You have to understand—I try to avoid judging my clients. What they tell me generally stays with me. It's the only way I can make them feel safe enough to keep coming to me."

"How magnanimous," said Nadia quietly.

Maron glanced at her. "It's no real challenge. I've done a lot I'm not proud of." She gestured to a pin her collar. "Sober one year now. It'd be three, but last year, I had a bad week, and had to start from scratch."

Hikaru coughed. "I'm surprised you haven't tried to get Ms. Power to go to them."

Maron shrugged, and went back to looking through the papers. "I have, but Saori was never good friends with the rest of us, and doesn't always have access to a phone." She sighed. "Plus, do you know how many ex-Leaguers I've tried to drag to meetings? About the only ones I can think of without substance abuse problems are Chacha—that cult she's in frowns on that sort of stuff—and maybe Pretty Sammy, who has fallen off the face of the Earth, and whose habits, thus, I can't confirm." She glanced at Nadia again. "I remember you now. You stayed for—almost a week, last month."

Nadia frowned. "Well, I'm glad I can account for at least part of my whereabouts at the time now."

Maron stared at her. "A man came by the week after you left, with a picture of you. Said he was your uncle. Didn't really look it though. So I told him I hadn't seen you. Good call?"

"Sounds it," answered Nadia distractedly.

"I thought so." She opened a folder that was filled to overflowing, and pulled out a pair of files. "Ahh! Here they are!" She turned to Hikaru. "Now, like I was saying, I try not to judge my clients, but sometimes, they don't give me much choice in the matter." She handed the files to Hikaru. "Sugeru Teshigawara and Hayato Myojin. A couple of grade-A creeps from my group therapy sessions. Both were able to dodge actual criminal sentences thanks to outside influence, both were insufferable, and both found the other to be the only person in the group who'd actually get along with them. Teshigawara dropped out several weeks ago, and shortly thereafter, Hayato started hinting that he'd been considered for membership in a criminal syndicate called… 'The Masters of Evil'. I admit I was worried, but Hayato—well, he's odd, so I didn't give it a lot of thought." She glanced at Hikaru quietly. "So—they really do exist, eh?"

"Unfortunately—yes," muttered Hikaru. "And they're actually fairly unpleasant."

Maron nodded. "Right. Well, you got what you came here for. Now leave. And don't expect any repeats. I'm not a stool pigeon, and if all the cape and cowl brigade start hitting me up for information, it'll probably chase away all my clients."

"Umm—yes—I see…" Hikaru coughed nervously. He glanced at the others. "Well, then—we'll get going." Nadia and Miroku quickly walked out of the office. Hikaru glanced around awkwardly, then reached idly into his pocket, pulled something from it, then dropped it to the floor. "Well, I'll be going. Thank you for your information." He patted his pockets idly. "And, oh, my, I seem to have lost a surprisingly large amount of yen. Oh, well, I've no doubt if you find it you'll put it to good use."

Maron stared at him quietly. "It's on the floor behind."

"Like I said, I've no doubt if you find it, you'll put it to good use," noted Hikaru loudly.

Maron blinked. "I see." She began to straighten up papers. "You are a strange little man, you know that?"

"I'm vaguely aware of my condition, yes." Hikaru walked away. "And please don't let this get out—I'm trying to get a reputation as a hardass, and I don't know if it's quite taking." He paused suddenly. "Umm—by the way—do you know why Mr. Myojin is wearing an Octopus mask?"

-----

"Vengeance!" shouted Hayato Myojin. "Vengeance shall be mine! When I defeat that virago I will purge the stain on my honor and will be able to show my face again with pride!"

"That's very nice, Hayato," muttered Gypsy Moth quietly, his voice slightly muffled by the handkerchief he'd placed over his mouth. "Now please be quiet."

"For the last time—when I am undertaking acts of villainy, I am—Dr. Octopus!" said Hayato loudly. He crossed his arms in frustration. "Will none give me the respect I deserve?"

Man-Killer shuddered slightly. "He's kept this up for the last hour…"

Oddball nodded. "We can't fault his enthusiasm, I'll say that much." He coughed. "Is your friend coming here soon?"

"Pfft! She's not my friend. Just somebody who works for her." Man-Killer sighed. "It turns out all my old crowd from school have become villainous capitalists and evil masterminds who frown on muscle work." She sniffed slightly. "I tell you—you think you know someone all through school, then you begin a quest for vengeance and boom! You discover what they're really like!"

Powderkeg nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. When I gave up my previous career ambitions for arson—well, I discovered who my real friends were!"

Man-Killer blinked. "Previous career ambitions?"

Powderkeg smiled. "I was interested in becoming a seeing-eye dog trainer. Then one magic day, I realized that I had never tried burning down a house before. Well, I did it, and from that moment, I was hooked. Four years and many complicated surgical operations and genetic modifications later, and I can safely say I made the right choice." She sighed. "Of course, my parents weren't happy, but they saw the light. Literally!" Powderkeg chuckled fondly. "One of my better works, that one…"

Man-Killer glanced at her companion nervously. "Umm—yeah—I'm real happy for you…"

Gypsy Moth sighed. "Fantastic. Not only am I out here in this slum, being exposed to God knows what kinds of bacteria, but I have to listen to the rantings of a deluded street performer."

"Hey, don't knock a career in the Circus of Crime," said Powderkeg severely. "A lot of good villains got their start there! Hell, the skills I learned as the Fire-Breather really helped me work with others without immediately setting them on fire." She shook her head. "You won't believe the problems I had with that…" She smiled at Gypsy Moth. "I mean, really, you won't. So—what was your power again?"

Gypsy Moth had a sudden coughing fit.

A taxi (riding strangely low on one side) drove up to the curb near the abandoned building they were staying in. Its passenger exited with a clank, then turned to the driver. "And if ya say a word about this—yer freakin' dead! I personally will come after ya, rip out yer lungs, and use yer intestines as dental floss!" As the group watched, the cabbie nervously nodded, then drove away. "Hey!" shouted the supervillain. "Ya forgot yer fee, ya dumb bastard!"

Gypsy Moth slapped his forehead. "Oh, just what we need—another menstrual female with superstrength."

"What was that?" muttered Man-Killer, cracking her knuckles.

Gypsy Moth glared at her. "I said, 'another—"

A billiard ball hit the wall near his head. "I think we all agree this discussion's gone as far as it needs to," noted Oddball quietly.

The door opened just as the pair started to walk away from each other with sullen glances. "Wazzup, losers?" said the latest recruit. "The names Karinka, but you can call me—MOLTEN MAID!"

The Masters of Evil glanced over the metallic-skinned girl in the skimpy outfit. "All right," began Powderkeg. "I get the 'maid' part, but the molten…"

Karinka glared at the short redhead. "My skin! My skin!" She tapped her arm with her finger, producing an audible _ping_. "My skin is molten metal!"

Powderkeg laughed and shook her head. "No, no, if it were _molten,_ it would be melted." She snapped her fingers, producing a spark, and pressed the trigger of her flamethrower. "I can help you with that."

Oddball glanced at her harshly. "Powderkeg…"

Powderkeg slapped her forehead. "Oh, right, I'm doing it again…" She chuckled. "Oh, well. You know how hard it is to break a habit…"

Karinka stared at her, then glanced over at Hayato. "Are all of you this screwy?"

"Speak more respectfully when you speak to—DR. OCTOPUS!"

Karinka nodded. "Okay. Right." She glanced. "Why don't ya take me to this Cowl person now, and we all don't talk to each other?"

Oddball nodded. "That sounds like an excellent idea."

-----

Hikaru and Nadia headed into the large hotel. "So, once more," said Nadia, "why are we doing this?"

"For the same reason Miroku is checking out those addresses," said Hikaru, adjusting his cloak. "We need a lead. This is a place where the Masters of Evil struck, and it might give us one." He looked at the overwrought engravings on the walls, which suffered from a surfeit of cherubs. "Trust me, I'm not overjoyed about visiting a yakuza hotel myself…" He shuddered slightly. "Just remember, whatever you do, be inordinately polite to anybody with an exceedingly elaborate lapel pin." He glanced at the front desk, where the concierge was making out with a blonde chambermaid. "Lovely service, here," he snarled. "It really completes the overall experience." He thumped his fist against the desk bell, causing it to emit a harsh, jangling ring. The concierge and maid turned around, leaving off their frantic necking.

Hikaru stared at them stunned.

Katsuhiko Jinnai and Excel stared back at him, stunned. "D-Doctor Strange…" stuttered Jinnai nervously.

"Napster," noted Hikaru quietly.

"It's TRAPSTER!" Jinnai froze. "—Is doubtless what that daring rogue would tell you." He gulped.

Hikaru sighed. "You do realize I recognize, don't you, Flapjack?" He glanced at the blonde. "You too, Excel."

Excel blinked in badly feigned dismay. "Why, whatever do you mean? I am the innocent chambermaid Convoy Butterfly, not the supercool embodiment of electricity Excel."

"Of course not," muttered Hikaru.

"That's right! Definitely not her! Oh, sure, we look exactly alike, and both possess the same electricity powers, but we aren't the same person! We might live in the same building—the same apartment even—and occupy the same physical space, but we aren't the same person!" She blinked frantically. "Not at all! Nope! Different people!"

Jinnai glared at her bitterly. "You really should have quit while you were ahead."

"That would have entailed staying bed today," said Hikaru with a slight sigh.

"Whoa—he obviously doesn't know what our apartment's like," noted Excel.

"If you would just get rid of that damn dog, like I keep asking you to, the smell would go away," muttered Jinnai savagely.

"Ohh, but Menchi's heart would be broken," Excel cooed. "And what would we use for our emergency food rations? I mean that case of instant ramen you brought with you is running out, and I don't think I want to have bread crusts every night, even though that pudding you make out of them is damn good, though I don't particularly care for the soup…"

Jinnai glanced at the exasperated Hikaru, and clearly amused Nadia, then back at Excel. "We can talk about this later." He took a formal stance. "Now, how may I help you two?"

"We need to know what room Aikage Matsui was staying in…" began Hikaru.

Jinnai crossed his arms. "I am not allowed to divulge our guests' room without either their permission, or official notification." He smiled slightly. "Now, as I know you don't have Mr. Matsui's permission, and I am reasonably certain you are not affiliated with the police, you can go to hell." He turned to Excel, grinning. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you just see that? I just foiled him—WITH LAW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Only you, Lord Trapster, possess a criminal mind so devious that it would even use petty bureaucracy to further your ends!" shouted Excel admiringly.

"Damn straight, Excel!" snickered Jinnai.

Hikaru shook his head. "I think you can make an exception in my case."

"And why should I, after the figuratively libelous statements you have made, identifying me as the master of stickiness, the Trapster?" said Jinnai.

"Because, sidestepping the entire supervillain angle, I am prepared to tell your supervisor that you were making out on the job," said Hikaru in a low voice.

Jinnai blinked. "Umm—we weren't making out…"

"Right!" chirped Excel. "We were undertaking our mandatory seduction lessons!"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "And why do hotel staff need seduction lessons, pray tell?

Excel gulped. "For… tips?"

There was utter silence for a moment. Finally, Jinnai handed Hikaru a key. "Mr. Matsui was staying in room 9F. It's the first door on the left-side of the hall when you get out of the elevator."

Hikaru took the key and nodded, then headed away. Nadia glanced at Jinnai and Excel, chuckled, then followed him. "Have a nice day!" shouted Jinnai as he watched the pair head into the elevator. As soon as the door slid closed, he turned to Excel. "Do you know what this means?"

Excel blinked. "Maybe, but why don't you just tell me so I can emphatically agree with you?"

"Makoto Mizuhara is on to us!"

"Damn that wily scoundrel!" yelled Excel, pounding her fist on the desk.

"And so," said Jinnai darkly, "there is only one thing we can do—SPEED UP THE SEDUCTION LESSONS!"

Excel began to unbutton her blouse. "On it! Roger!"

Jinnai brought out a small sign that read 'Back in fifteen minutes', then began to shrug off his vest "Let's try to make this quick. I don't want our new employers to think we're unpunctual."

"Right," said Excel, unzipping her pants. "We don't want to repeat the pizza parlor incident…"

-----

"I see a lot of stupid kids being born from that pairing," groused Hikaru as the elevator took them to the ninth floor.

"You know the nuttiest people, Hikaru," chuckled Nadia.

"Naturally. I know you, don't I?"

Nadia frowned. "You know, I sometimes think you don't know quite how to address a woman who can bend your spine like a Silly Putty."

"It involves safe words, doesn't it?" said Hikaru.

Nadia's eyes narrowed. "You're fortunate I'm a pacifist, you do realize that?"

"A pacifist who has apparently trained in most fighting styles, and possesses a surprisingly large knowledge of combat tactics," said Hikaru.

"What's your point?" snapped Nadia.

"I just find it a little odd."

"Well, it's not like I'm an absolute pacifist," said Nadia with a shrug. "I don't deny that violence is occasionally a necessary course in this imperfect world, and thus I prepare for it as best I can." She turned away. "Honestly, you're worse than my mother. I always told her she was too idealistic, but…" Nadia voice caught in her throat.

Hikaru blinked. "You just—"

"—Remembered something," said Nadia, a slight sob in her words. "But—it's gone. All that's left are a few vague facts…" She glanced down at the floor, as the elevator's door opened. "That happens sometimes. I remember some little aspect of my past for a moment and then—it vanishes…"

"I'm sorry, Nadia," said Hikaru.

"Let's just get on with this," said the Sub-Mariner sharply.

Hikaru nodded. "Right." He turned to the door labeled '9F' and unlocked it. He glanced around the ruined executive suite. "So—let's find some clues…"

Nadia watched as Hikaru walked into the middle of the room, sat on the floor, assumed the lotus position, then shut his eyes. After a minute, she coughed lightly. "So—Hikaru—how is this—looking for clues?"

"I am scanning the area for psychic impressions, past events, magical auras…"

Nadia nodded. "And what am I supposed to do?"

Hikaru's eyes snapped open. "Ummm… well, you can—look around at—stuff and—the like…"

Nadia crossed her arms. "You don't really have anything for me to do, do you?"

"To be honest, it was more a favor to separate you from Miroku," said Hikaru with just a dash of exasperation.

"Oh, Miroku gets along fine with me." Nadia shook her head. "I've managed to convince him that any unwarranted advances on his part will result in amazing unimaginable pain, and since then we've been like that." She snapped her fingers.

Hikaru nodded. "I'm happy for you. Now, how about you just keep an eye out for onlookers? I do not want to be seen kneeling in tattered room."

Nadia took a deep breath. "Would you at least admit that you asked me along because you wanted company?"

"I admit no such thing," said Hikaru airily. "In fact, I am highly resistant to admissions of all kinds. I wasn't there, officer, and even if I was, there's no way you can prove that I was the one with the bicycle pump."

Nadia stared at him a moment, then turned away, and began to sort through the rubble. "You know, I'm just going to stop having this conversation with you."

"A wise and praiseworthy decision," agreed Hikaru, shutting his eyes.

Nadia picked up a book and began to leaf through it. "Hikaru—why would you buy a book that consisted completely of blank pages?"

"If you were a crimelord with deep-seated insecurity about your own intelligence, and desired to come across as a cultured man, you'd buy a huge amount of them, and then pretend they were real books," said Hikaru quietly. "Also, you'd make references to books you've never read, and plays and movies you've never seen. And you'd smoke flavored cigarettes. Especially licorice."

Nadia blinked. "You picked all that up by going into a trance?"

Hikaru nodded. "Except for the cigarettes. There's a package of them next to the ashtray on the desk."

Nadia picked up the package idly, then glanced at him. "Is there a reason we had to be here to do this? A reason you couldn't do this in the comfort of your own room?"

Hikaru's eyes snapped open. "The hand that strikes is not the heart that plans. Look to the darkness for the father. What is desired is not what is taken."

Nadia stared at him a moment, then coughed. "Hikaru—are you having another of your—episodes?"

"My episodes?" Hikaru frowned. "What episodes?"

"The others have mentioned—occasions where you—blanked out due to spells you had cast earlier," said Nadia concernedly. "They're—a bit worried, actually."

"I'm fine," said Hikaru. "That was just the last thing I got when I tried to find out what the Crimson Cowl was planning with a spell. Divination is useless for details unless you're on the spot or have some sort of—well, physical link to the subject." He coughed slightly. "Which is why I haven't found out who it is that wiped your mind and apparently has a contract on you. If you're wondering."

"I admit that's crossed my mind occasionally," said Nadia absently.

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Well, now you know."

"And knowing is half the battle," she added on lightly.

Hikaru's eyes snapped open. He shot her a dark look. "Why'd you say that?"

Nadia blinked. "It was on a—show I used to watch. I don't remember the name…" She looked around awkwardly, then picked up a small picture on Matsui's desk, which she began to study nervously.

"Please never say anything like that in my presence again," said Hikaru sharply. "I heard my entire share of clichés during my apprenticeship, and really don't want to acquire an excess…"

"Your trance not going well?" asked Nadia quietly.

"Not particularly…" Hikaru stood up and leaned despairingly over the desk. "I don't know exactly what it is the Cowl does, but he's swept the area clean of any impressions he might have left."

Nadia sighed. "So this was a pointless endeavor."

"Pretty much," said Hikaru slowly, righting himself with a slightly resigned air.

She turned the picture towards him. "Any idea who these people are?"

Hikaru glanced at it, then snatched it out of her hands. He looked at it for a while, then laughed manically. "Ah ha, fate! Who's guiding who now, eh?" He turned to Nadia. "Right. We have a lead. So let's go." He darted out of the room.

Nadia watched him leave. "Glad to be of help."

-----

"So, anyway the Controller sent me, to tell you that she really, really respects all the killing, and violence, and stuff, and she supports you utterly, and wishes you well, and she hopes you realize that she's on your side, and please remember that, and she's willing to give you any help you need, and maybe you could do her a favor in the future." Karinka nodded. "I think that was the whole thing."

The Crimson Cowl sipped his martini idly. "You have an admirable recall."

"Thanks."

The Cowl's gloved fingers began to tap abstractly on the table. "So how is Miss Sumeragi anyway?"

"Oh, she's fine," said Karinka absently. "Her usual bitchy—" She blinked. "Umm, how do you the Controller's name?"

The Crimson Cowl leaned back in his chair. "Well, I must have some secrets, my dear." His hands went to a small box on the desk, and pulled out a cigar. "So, allow me to outline your position. You work for me now. You do what I tell you. You do not report back to the Controller. And you get to enjoy a long healthy career. Understood?"

Molten Maid gulped, then nodded.

"Excellent!" said the Cowl, lighting his cigar. "Then welcome aboard! Now go acquaint yourself with the others. Have fun." He waved her out. Karinka nodded nervously, then ran out of the room.

Machinesmith passed her walking in. "You do know how to inspire loyalty, Crimson…"

The Cowl puffed idly on his cigar, looking at her. "Loyalty is overrated. Give me good, solid fear, and I can move mountains."

Machinesmith stared at him for a moment. "They're going to just desert you one of these days," she said. "You do realize that, don't you?"

"That would be a problem if I were worried about the long-term," answered the Cowl. "But I'm not. So it isn't." He put his cigar out in his ashtray, then leaned forward, and rested his head on his hands. "I'm doing a supremely difficult balancing act, Machinesmith, between a group of short-sighted, delusional sociopaths on the one hand, and my—employers' watchdogs on the other. It is so difficult that I am regularly relieved that it is only temporary." He took a deep breath. "Sometimes I think you're the only person I can trust. Other times, I realize that even that's an optimistic estimate."

She sighed as she walked over to him. "Sometimes I think you're not the man I fell in love with…"

The Crimson Cowl pulled off a glove and studied the hand beneath. "I'm not a man at all. You know that." He stood up slowly, replacing his glove. "Tell the others to get ready. It's time to move."

-----

"This is big, Nadia—BIG!"

"I've figured that out by your constant repetition of that fact, Hikaru."

Hikaru sipped eagerly at his coffee. "Well, can I help it I'm excited? This is my chance to turn things around! Get the jump on the Cowl! Go on the offensive!"

Nadia nodded, then glanced at Haruka. "For future reference, only give him—"

"Decaf," said the waitress. "I'm on it."

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "Aren't I allowed to be happy on occasion?"

"No," answered Nadia. "I thought you realized that. You say it often enough."

Hikaru frowned. "I hate my life sometimes."

Haruka shrugged. "Eh, Doc, you don't have it so bad. Now me—do you have any idea what's happened since I showed up on television? Suddenly, my whole family knew where I was, so I've been getting calls from my mother telling me to come home and face righteous judgment for my wicked lifestyle, my deadbeat nephew trying to hit me up for money, and my loser ex-boyfriend trying to convince me to go on a dig with him 'for old time's sake'." She shook her head. "I've had to change my number it got so bad…"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Two nights ago, I faced a Urrexgeid, Lord of Living Slime, in a battle to the death. And then I took several hot showers."

The waitress stared at him awhile, then glanced away. "I really shouldn't try to compare our lives, should I?"

"No, you shouldn't," answered Hikaru.

The café door slammed open. "And I am getting sick of your NEGATIVE ATTITUDE, SON OF SATAN!" Kagome glared at her partner. "I can't believe you said that to Sota! I mean, really!"

Inu-Yasha winced. "Look, if I say I'm sorry, will that make things better?"

"No!" said Kagome darkly.

"Oh, what are you yelling at my darling for?" said Lum coyly. "All he said is that you were a pathetic joke. Since we all know that's the case, he was just saying the truth, and you can't hate him for that! And I know you will accept this argument, because you use similar logic on darling all the time!" She wrapped her arms around Inu-Yasha's waist. "Right, darling?"

Kagome's scowl deepened.

Inu-Yasha shut his eyes. "Lum—shut up, okay?" he muttered quietly.

"SIT!" yelled Kagome, waving her fists. 

Inu-Yasha fell stoically to the floor, only to realize that he had tumbled on top of Lum. "Oh, darling," cooed Lum. "I knew that your dashing manhood would eventually fall prey to my irresistible charms!" She began to massage his back. "Come on! Let's discover new plains of ecstasy together!"

Inu-Yasha began to frantically break away from the Oni.

Kagome sat down next to Nadia. "Personal troubles?" asked the Sub-Mariner quietly.

"I don't wanna talk about it," muttered Kagome darkly.

"That's the spirit, Hellcat," said Hikaru. "We'll make an embittered outcast of you yet." He took a deep sip of his coffee, then smiled at her. "Now, the first rule is that everyone else is a bastard who hates you for no good reason…"

Inu-Yasha dragged himself to the table, Lum clinging to his legs. "Just tell us why ya called us here, Doc…"

"I found a lead on the Masters of Evil."

Kagome stood up and gasped. "Not the dastardly Masters of Evil who bested us last time! Whose skills pressed us to the utmost! Whose leader Crimson Cowl is your archnemesis!"

Hikaru stared at her puzzled. "Is there a reason you're repeating things we both know? I mean, is there another Masters of Evil?"

Kagome sat down again, and looked away awkwardly. "It's what they always do in the comics."

Nadia coughed. "We have reason to believe that the Cowl is collecting a jewelry set called 'the Demon's Breath'. The set was owned by one Sentaro Kontsu, a prominent yakuza head, who split among several allies during a truce as a sign of good will."

Hikaru nodded. "The Demon's Breath was constructed using Shikon shards, and consists of five pieces. The Cowl has already killed one of the bosses—now we have to figure out which one he'll strike at ne—"

Miroku ran into the café, panting. "Dr. Strange—thank Buddha I found you…" He took a few deep breaths. "I went to your place, and you weren't there, so I came here…"

Nadia blinked. "So you didn't get the message?"

Miroku stared at her. "Message?"

"We left it right on your box of horrible porn," said Hikaru.

"I didn't have time to look at that. This was important," replied Miroku seriously.

Hikaru gave a dumbfounded nod. "It must have been. It's rewritten one of the elementary rules of your behavior."

Miroku raised a walkman, and hit play. "Hello!" came a cruel voice, laced with static. "You have reached the home of Hyato Myojin, better known as—DR. OCTOPUS! I can't come to the phone right now, as I'm busy storming the palatial estate of Sentaro Konstu with the rest of the Masters of Evil. If you have information regarding that vile harridan Ukyou Kuonji, WHOM I HAVE SWORN A THOUSAND VENGEANCES UPON, simply leave it after the beep. And if you're calling for my catering service, just leave your number and the date of your party or event, and I'll get back to you. Remember—for the best octopus balls money can buy, go to Doc Ock!—BEEP!!"

Hikaru glanced at Nadia weakly. "You know—it's moments like this that I actually wonder if there's a point to being intelligent."

Nadia gave a slow, sad nod of agreement.

-----

Sentaro Kontsu's country house was a combination of several European puzzle houses, which in themselves had been based on various castles, mansions, and momentary whims. The end result was a jumble of styles and bad ideas that was uniformly agreed to be the ugliest house in Japan.

This was not Kontsu's fault, actually. He was a man with excellent taste, a man whose friends generally felt safe in asking his opinion of dress, fashion and furnishing. Indeed his house had turned the house from an abomination into an eccentricity. Kontsu's mansion had been acquired from an actor friend of his who'd had it built during the height of his popularity. The aforementioned friend's lifestyle had relied on his always making pictures, his various bad habits remaining secrets, and his various bad loans never getting called on, and when in the course of time, all these hopes had failed him, the actor had found himself in Tokyo Harbor, and Kontsu had found himself with one monumentally ugly house.

Normally, Kontsu's impulse would have been to sell the place—possibly for scrap, but his own house had been firebombed during a spirited dispute with some of his business associates shortly after acquiring the mansion, and so he'd wound up living in it. Once that had begun, the place had grown on him, partially due to several charming features, such as the rather pretty flower clock in the backyard.

"Heads up!" cried Powderkeg, as an explosion scattered turf and plants.

A pretty flower clock that the Masters of Evil were presently using for target practice.

"Okay," said Molten Maid slowly. "How do you do that?"

"Turn ordinary golf balls into fragmentary grenades?" asked Powderkeg cheerfully.

"Uhh, yeah…" muttered Karinka.

"Well, back when I was starting out," began the redhead, "I realized arson was a lot of trouble, so I wound up hooking up with this gaijin surgeon—Harrow, he calls himself—and getting all kinds of improvements. He made me fireproof, and super-durable, and he replaced my sweat glands with ones that secrete nitroglycerin on command."

Karinka nodded nervously.

"And that's just the least of it. I've got this—well, it's kind of a bladder that let's me shoot methane out of my mouth, and I've got other glands that produce alcohol, if I want a sustainable flame—oh, and this is the best part—I can shoot napalm out of my—"

"They don't want to hear where you shoot napalm out of Shidou," said Oddball calmly.

"But it's cool!" whined Powderkeg.

"Hmmph." Dr. Octopus stood tall. "Boast all you want, woman, when you all see the power of Dr. Octopus, then you will know the true nature of 'cool'. You will know it—IN SPADES!"

Man-Killer glanced at Gypsy Moth. "Did you have to invite this guy to join?"

Gypsy Moth sighed, as he waved a handkerchief in front of his face. "Trust me, Man-Killer, the thought of killing him has crossed my mind…"

-----

The Crimson Cowl glanced out the window fondly. "Spirited, aren't they?" he noted, glancing at Kontsu as he poured a drink.

Kontsu stared back at him with a defiant air. "I'd say thuggish myself."

The Cowl mused on that. "Mmm. Perhaps you're right." He stopped pouring, and held the glass up to the light. "Still, they are mine, and I love them." He walked towards Kontsu casually. "In a purely platonic manner of course. I'm a firm believer in guarding one's vital essence." He began to pour the drink down Kontsu's throat.

Kontsu spat it out.

The Cowl glanced down at his soiled shoes, then slapped Kontsu. "Damn you, you up-jumped scum, I was being _courteous_!" He shook his head, the pulled a handkerchief out of his sleeve. He began to lightly daub at the yakuza boss's face. "I'm sorry. That was rude of me. I'm afraid that I'm a bit on edge. I've got company coming, you see, and I'd hate to disappoint them…"

-----

Hikaru glanced at the Tudor-style tower attached to a Georgian-style gatehouse with pseudo-Roman front and a sizable garden done up in the style of Versailles, only smaller. "That is one ugly mishmash," he muttered quietly.

"I like it!" announced Lum. "I was starting to wonder if you inferiors had any idea how to build houses, and then I see something magnificent like this, and it says 'Yes, Miss Lum, we do have a vague inkling, indeed we do!' Teeheeheeheehee-tcha!"

Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "How did we get here so quickly?"

Hikaru shrugged. "We walked."

"Yes, but—look this has been bothering me for some time." She looked around worriedly. "How is it we're able to move so quickly through Tokyo? It seems whenever we have to go somewhere, we reach it in minimum time, with little in the way of obstacles…"

"You're traveling with a magician," replied Hikaru. "Expect the laws of causality to weaken. It's what I do."

"But how?" asked Nadia.

"I don't know!" shouted Hikaru. "How do you breathe?" He glanced around nervously. "When the Ancient One—trained me, a lot of things he just—inserted into my head—basic magic—fighting styles—basically anything that he didn't quite have the time to train me in depth for. That's probably one of the reasons I've been able to last as long as I have—I'm more experienced than I normally would be. But the problem is, some of that stuff I understand more on a subconscious level than an active one. So a lot of things I just do without understanding them."

Inu-Yasha blinked. "So wait—we've been followin' a guy who doesn't know what he's doin'?"

"First of all, Inu-Yasha, I'd have thought that would be obvious by now," snapped Hikaru. "Secondly, I haven't gotten you killed yet, so you really don't have any reason to complain. When I get you killed—then you do."

There was silence for a moment. "You really know how to put together a cogent argument, Hikaru," said Nadia dryly.

"Can we just get back to stopping the Masters of Evil?" asked Hikaru. "I mean, there's a dead body out in the yard there! I like to think that's important!"

"Oh, yeah…" said Inu-Yasha quietly.

"I don't believe I missed that," said Miroku.

"I'll say!" added Kagome. She glanced at Hikaru. "So what's your plan, Doc?"

Hikaru looked over the grounds. "We sneak in, surprising them, carving a quick path to the jewel shard and the Crimson Cowl," he began.

A giant boomerang burst through the trees. Hikaru glanced at his scattering companions. "Okay, it appears the plan is going to need a little alteration."

As it streaked towards her, Lum leapt over the boomerang, and landed lightly on the ground, ducking as it circled back, so that it passed over her head. "Ah-HA! Trying to outflank Captain Oni! A fruitless effort!"

A sickle and chain erupted from the ground, and entangled her ankles, tripping her. Lum stared at the armor-clad youth who emerged from the ground beside her. "That was a mistake," she noted earnestly. With one smooth motion, she came to her feet, and drover her arm through the figure's chest. "See what I mean?"

The boy stared stoically at his gaping chest wound, then punched Lum away. As she fell backwards, the wound knit itself closed. "Umm—guess not!"

Kagome blinked. "It's—_that guy_!" Inu-Yasha yanked her out of the way of the boomerang as it cut another destructive swath. "And look! Over there! It's that boomerang girl that's always with him!"

Suddenly, the pair were jerked up by their costumes, into the air. "I'm glad you've met," said a familiar figure in a butterfly costume. "He's the Black Knight. She's Boomerang—naturally enough." He brought his hand up to Kagome's face, seeming to avoid touching it. "And as for me—well, I'm certain you remember your old friend Gypsy Moth." He frowned slightly. "Because I definitely remember you. Oh, I have thought about your little betrayal quite a bit since the—"

A dark fist smashed into the back of his head. Gypsy Moth gave a slight grunt, then fell to the ground.

Nadia quickly snatched up Inu-Yasha and Kagome to keep them from joining him there, then hovered over to where Hikaru stood fending off the sickle and boomerang attacks with a mystic wall. "Got them," she noted.

"Good…" said Hikaru absently.

"Dr. Strange! We know these people! See, back in feudal Japan—"

"Now's really not the time to talk about it, Kagome…" he muttered between clenched teeth.

"You never let me talk," said Kagome sulkily.

"Now is really, REALLY not the time to talk about it!" shouted Hikaru.

"No, wait, she has a point," said Nadia. "You do tend to dismiss her ideas out of hand."

"That's because they're never any good," Hikaru seethed, as he reinforced the force field.

"There!" said Nadia. "You're doing it right now."

Hikaru turned to face her. "Do not encourage her, Nadia! That's like giving a hyperactive child caffeine pills!" The force field flickered. Hikaru turned frantically, and began to chant something, causing it to become more substantial again.

Nadia glared at him. "Oh, I see. It bothers you when she talks, does it? But, naturally, all the rest of us have to put up with your endless prattle."

"YES!" cried Hikaru. "Because I am great and terrible, and Kagome is small and meek!"

Nadia raised an eyebrow. " 'Strange', you're much too short to be 'great and terrible'."

Hikaru's mouth set in a grim line. "I am five feet tall."

"In lifts maybe," chuckled Nadia.

"I am five feet tall."

"Well, even if you are, she's got a couple inches on you," said Nadia.

"LOOK, MY ACTUAL HEIGHT IS IMMATERIAL IN THIS!" screamed Hikaru. "I MAY HAVE THE BODY OF SHORT MAN, BUT I'VE GOT THE SPIRIT OF A FREAKING GIANT!"

The force field flickered out of existence. Hikaru winced. "Oh, crap." Suddenly, a golden shield of energy appeared.

"Go back to yelling," said Lum. "It's funny."

Hikaru stared at her. "So—you could have done that any time?"

Lum nodded. "Yep."

"But instead of doing that to help us, you do it so Nadia and I can get this pissing match over with, correct?"

Lum thought it over. "Yeah. Pretty much."

Hikaru glared at her. Lum smiled back at him cheerfully. His eyes narrowed. "Are all you Oni this—oblivious?"

Lum shrugged. "I have no idea what that means, but probably, yes. We are paragons in every way, after all."

He turned to Nadia. "Well, I see how they conquered most of the universe. They're so annoying, you just surrender in the blind hope the hurting will stop."

"So I'm making progress?" asked Lum eagerly. "Great! I'll have this planet conquered in a year at this rate!"

Nadia blinked. "Remind me why we let her stay around…"

"For the same reason I keep the Box of Ineffable Doom under my bed," sighed Hikaru. "It's nice to know where it is." He turned to her. "Look, Nadia, I think we have to talk about this. You seem to be getting—edgier lately. More critical. And I think it's really affecting the group dynamic."

"Oh, really," said Nadia. "I thought we didn't even have a group dynamic."

"No, no," corrected Hikaru. "We don't have an organization. But we do have a group dynamic. I mean, there's no bylaws or ranks, or names, or other crap like that, but naturally there's a group dynamic, because we have a group of people interacting, as a group."

Nadia nodded. "I see." She coughed. "So you want me to tell you—why I am messing up this—group dynamic? And you yourself have no idea what could be making do this? About what could be making me tense, and spiteful, and bitter?"

"I have several ideas, actually," said Hikaru, "but I'd rather hear it from you."

Nadia glared at him, then turned away. "You know, I cannot believe you sometimes! Usually, you seem to be extraordinarily perceptive, but then you do something that shows what a complete and utter ass you can be!"

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "Like right now I sup—" He blinked, then glanced around. "Umm—how come I can't hear things bouncing against the force field?"

Lum smiled. "Why, that's because nothing's been bouncing against the force field."

Hikaru turned to face her. "And you didn't think to mention this because—?"

"Well, it clearly wasn't important," answered Lum.

Black Knight burst up from the ground, flailing his chain around his head. Hikaru frowned. "Captain Oni, if we survive this, I am going to yell at you like you've never been yelled at before in your life."

Lum nodded. "Oh."

"And if we don't survive this, I will make sure to track your spirit down in the afterlife, and yell at you like you never were yelled at during your life!" Hikaru jumped to the side as the Black Knight's sickle shot towards him, whistling through the air.

"Gotchya!" noted Lum, as she readied a blast.

"Hey!" cried Inu-Yasha, rushing the armored villain from behind. "Take this!" With a single balanced blow, he struck the Black Knight's head off. It flew off the youth, and hit the ground with a bounce.

The decapitated body turned resentfully on Inu-Yasha, and with a quick spin entangled him in the chain. The half-demon gave a pained scream as the scythe slashed into his arm. Lum charged forward, smashing into the headless form. "Nobody hurts darling! Especially not someone who refuses to stay dead, even in situations where he should clearly be so!" As the Black Knight's body bounced backwards, she let loose a blast that tore the body to pieces. "It's very inconsiderate to stay alive when I don't want you to be that way," the alien noted in scolding tones.

"Son of Satan!" yelled Kagome. "You're bleeding!"

"It's nothin'," groaned Inu-Yasha. "Only a scratch…"

"Ahh, my poor widdle darling," whimpered Lum. "You want me to kiss your booboo an' make it bettah?"

Inu-Yasha recoiled from her, only to scream in agony.

Hikaru glanced around. "Lum—you're not keeping up your barrier, are you…?"

"No," said Lum. "Why do you ask?"

A large wooden boomerang struck her in the torso. Hikaru rubbed his temples. "Oh, the yelling I am going to do. Such yelling…"

A large girl who had apparently been coated in gold landed before him. "Prepare to do some screamin', Doc!" She raised her fist at Hikaru's rather vulnerable head. A hand grabbed her arm.

"Might I give the same suggestion to you?" asked Nadia politely, before flipping the metal-clad supervillain over her head.

Her opponent gave a desperate gasp before standing to her feet. "Damn it, you bitch! Do you know who you're messin' with?"

"A gilded airline stewardess?" suggested Hikaru.

"Molten Maid," the girl seethed.

"Oh, I get it," said Nadia. "How cute."

Molten Maid snarled and charged forwards. Nadia punched her midcharge. The villainess tumbled backwards. "You don't learn, do you?" noted the Sub-Mariner.

"I don't need to!" shouted Molten Maid, leaping back to her feet.

Captain Oni immediately slammed onto her back and began wailing on her. "How dare you hit me with a boomerang!"

"That wasn't me!" moaned the supervillain. "That was Boomerang! The one with a Boomerang!"

"Oh, like I believe that story!" replied Lum. At that moment, the giant boomerang smashed her from behind. It circled back and fell into the hands of Boomerang.

"See! See!" said Molten Maid, pointing at her associate.

"This proves nothing," muttered Lum, rising unsteadily.

Kagome glanced at Miroku. "You help Inu-Yasha."

The monk nodded. "On it."

She drew her bow. "All right, villains! Prepare to face the Hellcat's migh—"

At that moment, several exploding billiard balls landed near the confused heroes. As they coughed from the raised dust, a short redhead leapt down and twirled a torch over her head. "Hello! I'm Powderkeg!" she said companionably. "Prepare to die!" Molten Maid rose to her feet, joined by the reconstituted form of the Black Knight. The masked head of Hayato Myojin loomed into view from the bushes, followed by Oddball.

Hikaru glanced at his allies. "All right, there is only one reasonable course of action to take in this situation—run."

Nadia turned. "I second the motion." The pair darted off.

Miroku nodded to himself. "We have such wise, tactical leadership." He followed after them, tugging Inu-Yasha and Kagome along.

"Hey!" cried Lum. "Don't run! We can take these guys!" She turned back.

The villains glowered at her menacingly.

Lum rushed off after the others. She glanced at Hikaru. "Realize, I'm only running so that I can continue to yell at you for running."

Hikaru nodded. "That's just peachy."

Nadia glanced at him. "Have you got a new plan?"

"Well," said Hikaru, pursing his lips, "I was thinking we would try to scatter our foes, so we could face them at our own—"

He stopped running, and stared at what looked like a huge television that had apparently been left in the middle of Kontsu's lawn.

"—Convenience," he finished awkwardly.

The screen flickered on. "Why, Doc-tor Strange," enunciated the Crimson Cowl. "So good to see you." The Cowl was seated at an ornate table, a glass of wine before him. He clapped his hands together lightly. "And you brought all your little friends! How joyous!"

Hikaru crossed his arms. "You know, Cowl, you're hosting skills are definitely questionable."

The Cowl shook his head. "I'm offended, Doctor. And hurt. I've just notified my men to give me a little time to talk to you and this is how you treat me. My dear, dear Doctor Strange."

Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Is he always so… threateningly flirty?" she whispered.

Hikaru shrugged. "I lack the direct experience to answer that question, as I barely know the man. But when I'm around, he is usually like this, yes."

The Cowl turned to glare at Nadia. "I can hear you perfectly, you realize?" He reclined slightly in his chair. "I have to say, Strange, I can't approve of your choice in female companionship at all…"

"We are not involved," shouted Hikaru and Nadia simultaneously.

The Cowl nodded slowly. "Ahh. My mistake. I must have been seeing things that weren't there."

"They make medication for that," noted Hikaru.

The Cowl gripped his hands together tightly and twiddled his thumbs. "You are making me reconsider calling off my men."

Hikaru bowed. "My apologies. I really don't want to do anything to interfere with you enjoying the sound of your own voice."

The Crimson Cowl stood up and walked a few paces, the 'camera' following him. "I think my information will interest you." He reached the tired form a man bound to a chair, and rested his hands on the figure's shoulders. "May I introduce you to Mr. Sentaro Kontsu? I'd wake him—well, have him regain consciousness, really—but then I'd be wasting valuable torturing time." The Cowl stood to his full height again, and spread his hands. "Now, Mr. Kontsu and I have been discussing the location of a certain item. I think he's going to tell me soon." The villain leaned back casually. "If you can reach the room we're in—the top of the tallest tower on the east side—that may not happen." The Cowl drew a long curved knife from his cloak. "In fact, Mr. Kontsu might actually not die."

"That's what I love about you, Cowl," muttered Hikaru. "You're all heart."

"I care for your deep sense of compassion as well, Strange," noted the Crimson Cowl sincerely. "Now, don't bother teleporting—I know how much it upsets your stomach, so I've installed a device that will scatter your atoms if you try. Just to make certain you don't disturb yourself with efforts that will harm your well-being."

"Gosh, what a polite archnemesis I've got," stated Hikaru. "Aren't I the luckiest boy on Earth?"

The Cowl moved his hand towards his mouth as if stifling a yawn. "Well, Strange, I could probably keep this conversation up for hours—and I know you can—so let's just get things going." He threw Hikaru an odd salute. "Be seeing you."

As the image blinked out, Nadia frowned. "Well, I see why he's your archnemesis—a few minutes of listening to him, and _I_ want to punch him."

Hikaru seemed about to say something, when he stiffened, and grabbed Nadia's arm. "Everybody—move!" As the group rushed away, the screen promptly exploded, spraying glass and bits of metal in sizable radius.

Nadia looked at him earnestly. "Okay—make that eviscerate him."

"You'll have to get in line," said Hikaru quietly. A yellow ball landed next to them. "Oh, crap," he muttered. "Looks like the Shiny, Happy People have found us again…" He and Nadia quickly rolled away as the ball dissolved into a cloud of yellow gas.

"Dr. Strange!" yelled Kagome, crouching behind a bush with Inu-Yasha and Miroku. "You go on to the mansion! The rest of us will hold them off!"

"We will?" asked Miroku.

"Yes!" shouted Kagome.

Hikaru nodded. "Much obliged." He darted off, dodging an explosion, and a sudden burst of flame as he went.

Nadia watched him leave. "Oh to hell with this," she muttered, then started running after him. "Hey! Strange! I'm coming with you!"

Inu-Yasha took a deep breath, then looked at Kagome. "Okay, so what was that about?"

"Honestly, Son of Satan!" said Kagome energetically. "A man's life hangs in the balance! An evil plot must be foiled! We must aid Dr. Strange in reaching the Crimson Cowl in time! It's the superhero way!" She looked at him with concern. "Umm, so how's the wound?"

Inu-Yasha managed a smile. "Gettin' better."

"He's lying," stated Miroku levelly.

"I am no—" began Inu-Yasha. Miroku poked him lightly in the arm, causing him to scream in pain.

"As I said—lying."

Kagome nodded. "Right. Well—I'll handle things." She drew an arrow. "Hellcat style."

Lum gave a mild, derisive laugh. "Oh, you silly girl! How are those stickpins going to do anything?"

Kagome glared at her. "Like this!" She released the arrow, which then got tangled in the branches of a nearby tree.

The tree immediately dislodged Oddball from its branches, and landed him with a thump on the ground.

Lum coughed. "Oh. Yes. I see. Carry on then…"

-----

Hikaru and Nadia rushed toward the mansion. "Is there a reason you're coming with me?" asked Hikaru sharply.

"Do you have to lash out at those who want to help you?" replied Nadia.

"Do you have to answer questions with questions?" Hikaru shook his head. "That is a really annoying habit."

"Oh, you're one to talk about annoying habits!" shouted back Nadia. "Like the way you eat! It should be a crime—"

"ENOUGH!" shouted a voice.

The pair stopped mid-run, quieted by the confidence of the command.

Dr. Octopus stepped forward triumphantly. "So," he announced, his voice muffled by his mask, "it falls to Dr. Octopus to defeat the pair of you. Well, I think you'll find me well-equipped for the task." He raised his arms. "Before I kill you, I must know—do either of you know the whereabouts of Ukyou Kuonji?"

"No," said Hikaru.

"Not a clue," added Nadia.

"A pity," said Dr. Octopus quietly. "It is she who placed this mask on my face as a lad—the mask I wear to—"

"Look, we're sort of working under a time limit here," noted Hikaru abruptly. "Is there anyway we could skip the whole origin story?"

Dr. Octopus flexed his arms in an offended manner. "As you will not listen to my wisdom—taste defeat!" With a flick of each wrist, he sent two spheres hurtling towards Hikaru.

Hikaru blinked as a pair of pastries bounced off his forehead. He glanced down at them, as they settled in the dirt. "What were those?" he asked.

"Octopus balls!" cried Hayato. "The hereditary arm of the Myojin family, which I hurl with startling accuracy!"

Hikaru looked at Nadia. She looked back at him. They each nodded at each other.

The pair charged forward, striking Doc Ock in the stomach with their shoulders before he could launch even a single octopus ball.

Hikaru looked at Myojin's cringing form, then turned to Nadia. "What exactly were we fighting about?"

"I have no idea," she answered.

Hikaru nodded. "Yeah. It's funny how our quarrels and differences seem small, when compared with the sheer gut-wrenching stupidity we have to deal with from these freaks."

"I heartily agree," said Nadia. "So—race you to the mansion?"

"You're on."

-----

"You're not getting away with this," noted Oddball calmly. "You are facing the Masters of Evil. We will tear you up in the end. That's what we do."

"Miroku—quietize the prisoner," said Kagome.

"That's not a word," said Oddball.

Miroku bopped him on the back of the head. "We decide what the words are here, capturee," growled Kagome in a manner that was more cute than threatening.

"Also not a word," said Oddball.

Miroku bopped him once more on the back of the head.

"Wow," said Lum to Kagome. "You're good at torturing prisoners. Are you oni-trained?"

"No," answered Kagome. "I just watch a lot of movies."

"Ahh, yes, the moving pictures which tell amusing stories," chortled Lum. "Those are neat! Especially the short ones with talking animals, and loud explosions."

Oddball sighed. "I wasn't trying to intimidate you—I was stating a fact. Even if you could handle the others, Black Knight and Boomerang will destroy you. Those two make ME nervous. I mean, I may be bad, but I do have moments of compassion and good will. Why, just last year, I patted a child on the head, _with no ulterior motive whatsoever_!"

"Would you stop tryin' to distract us while yer buddies get into position?" groaned Inu-Yasha.

"Was I that obvious?" said Oddball plaintively.

"Nope," replied Inu-Yasha. "My nose is _that_ good."

Miroku glanced at the others. "Let's see—I count Molten Maid up that tree—Powderkeg over in those bushes—Gypsy Moth hovering above us, and Black Knight behind that fountain, but I can't find—"

A giant boomerang flew at them from the roof of a nearby gazebo.

"Bingo," said Kagome, drawing an arrow.

Lum blinked. "We're playing bingo now?"

Oddball suddenly tore free of his bonds, and tosses a blue ball at Miroku, who staggered backwards as it hit his head.

And then a lot of things happened—all at once.

-----

Hikaru and Nadia rushed up the marble stairway to the next floor of Kontsu's mansion. "So far, this has been fairly easy," noted Nadia.

"Almost deceptively so," commented Hikaru, as they reached the top of the stairway. "You'd think the Cowl'd have somebody here to guar—"

Here Hikaru was interrupted by Man-Killer's bursting through a door and throttling him. "Hey, Doc. Remember me?"

"V-vaguely," sputtered Hikaru. "We met—in Beijing—right? The—longshoreman convention?"

Man-Killer tightened her grip. "I obviously am not choking you enough."

"Stop it!" yelled Nadia commandingly.

"Why?" chuckled Man-Killer as Hikaru squirmed desperately. "He might die?" Hikaru gave a desperate gasp, then fell limp. Man-Killer grinned. "Oops. Spoke too soon."

"No!!!" screamed Nadia.

Hikaru suddenly straightened, and slammed his head into Man-Killer's face. She released him and brought her hands to her face. "My nobe! You broge my nobe!"

"For starters," noted Hikaru, as he quickly tripped the burly supervillain, sending her tumbling down the stairs. "Next time, don't try strangling a man with near-complete control of his bodily functions. Just a friendly bit of advice."

Nadia stared at him. "Hikaru, next time you do something like that, I'll kill you myself."

Hikaru sighed. "Your concern is touching. And thanks for asking about my health." He rubbed his neck idly, as if trying to relax stiffened muscles.

"You had me scared," she explained.

"You were scared? How do you think I felt?"

----

Lum grappled with Molten Maid as Kagome fired shots at Oddball, Gypsy Moth and Powderkeg, and Miroku tried to fend off the attacks of Boomerang.

Inu-Yasha leaned against a tree, and took a deep, steadying breath. His shoulder still ached and throbbed where the Black Knight's sickle had sliced into it. Which got him thinking—where was that undead son of a—

"Ah-ha!" laughed Lum. "Is that the best you can do? I snort at your alleged expertise! Snort at it!"

Molten Maid screamed. "Shut the hell up, bitch!" She threw a wicked uppercut at Captain Oni's head.

"See?" noted Lum, as she easily dodged the blow. "Aiming at the head first thing's usually a bad idea against an experienced foe. Small target—moves quick."

"Oof," grunted Molten Maid as Lum's first collided with her stomach.

"Now the stomach—that's a good target. Sensitive, and it don't move too good. Teeheehee-tcha!" Lum darted forward, pressing her attack. "Also legs. Very good targers—disable them, and you've really scuttled your opponent." Molten Maid gave an incoherent shout of pain as she toppled to the ground. "And then you go for the headshot to get a knockout, or even a quick ki—"

The Black Knight's chain wrapped around Lum's neck, jerking her off-balance. Molten Maid rose slowly, smiling. "So—what was that ya were sayin' about startin' with the stomach?" She cracked her metal-plated knuckles. "Don't mind if I do…"

Lum's hand darted up to the Black Knight's chains. With one yank she pulled it loose, then sent the Black Knight hurtling at her opponent. "Well, I do mind, so you're gonna have to pass on that."

The boomerang struck her from behind. "Nice shot," said Oddball to his teammate. Boomerang did not respond. Oddball sighed to himself. "Oh well, I rather prefer the silent type myself." He raised his hand, an orange ball resting securely in his palm. "So I guess it's up to me to finish this, eh?"

"Don't you dare Oddball!" said Kagome, leveling her bow at him.

Inu-Yasha blinked and stepped away from the tree.

"Dare what?" asked Oddball, casually tossing the ball at her.

Kagome yelped in surprise, then fired her bow. The arrow streaked forward, and hit the ball, exploding it in midair. Oddball was knocked off his feet by the blast. "Don't dare that," she stated, her voice slightly shaky. "I don't think I'd react well to it."

Suddenly, a fiery burst appeared before her, setting her sleeve aflame. Kagome leapt back in surprise, then started to roll on the ground.

Powderkeg glanced at the supine Oddball, a finger pressing down on her left nostril. "Now are you glad I had that napalm gland installed in my right sinus?"

"Oh, I'm pleased as punch," muttered Oddball.

Miroku ran forward. "Don't worry, Hellcat, Devil-Slayer will—URK!!!" He suddenly jerked backwards, and fell to the ground. He and Kagome both began to squirm uncomfortably, as if trying to rise.

"Both of you stay put now," muttered Gypsy Moth. "There you see, my little kitten? You can beat me in the short term, but in the end—I always win. I'm too smart not to win. And you're much, much too stupid to beat me."

Oddball groaned. "Could someone please help me up? I think I may have sprained my ankle…"

"Ah, shut yer wordhole," growled Molten Maid. "You don't need any help…"

"Yes, he does…" came the harsh whisper.

The gathered Masters of Evil glanced at Inu-Yasha, holding Tetsaida in the one hand he could use right now. His other arm was held limply at his side, blood flowing down it. "Ya all do…"

Gypsy Moth snickered as he watched Inu-Yasha wobble unsteadily. "So—are we to believe that you—one clearly wounded, rather unimpressive superhero can beat all of us—by yourself?"

Inu-Yasha staggered slightly as he raised his blade. "Yep." He choked back the bile rising in his throat.

"I see," laughed Gypsy Moth. "Why aren't I scared?"

"Cuz yer not as smart as ya think you are," suggested Inu-Yasha, as he watched the swirling lights that seemed to dance in front of his face. "In fact, in my book, yer pretty stupid. Especially for dressin' up like a butterfly."

"I'm a MOTH!" screamed the sartorially challenged supervillain. "And when I get done with you—"

Inu-Yasha gave a fumbling slash down. The very air seemed to erupt into chaos in response.

-----

"Well, we made it," said Hikaru.

"Surprisingly easily," noted Nadia.

"I'm guessing that ends now." Hikaru opened the door to the chamber. "The Cowl loves his surprises."

"Very much so," said the Cowl, tossing the Shikon shard idly in the air.

"Oh my…" began Hikaru, staring at the bloodied corpse of Sentaro Kontsu.

"He held out almost until the very end," noted the Crimson Cowl. "But you know about 'almost', 'horseshoes' and of course, 'hand grenades'." He chuckled slightly. "Speaking of which—do you realize that you were only thirty-four seconds too late? Thirty-four. I was counting. Not that many when you get down to it. In fact, damn few in rea—"

"Just shut UP, you sick, sick, sick ball of _sick_!" screamed Hikaru.

The Cowl tucked the shard into his sleeve, and then cleaned off his knife. "What's the matter, Gosunkugi? That razor sharp wit of yours finally getting dull?"

"He knows your name—" began Nadia.

"Nadia, you're not making him shut up," said Hikaru. "I'd really appreciate it if you would…"

Nadia cracked her knuckles, and began to jog forward. "Right. Well, Mr. Cowl, I think you're about to discover what it's like to be on the receiving end of a lot of pain—very shortly…"

The Crimson Cowl's hand disappeared into his hood, as if to stroke his chin. "Mmm—actually—no I won't." He turned to side. "Moonstone—some help please." A flash of light appeared before him, which transformed into a shuddering explosion.

Hikaru lowered his force field as the blast cleared. "Did I raise it in time?" he asked Nadia. "You look a little—dazed?"

She shook her head. "Yes—you did find—my ears are just ringing from the explosion…" She glanced ahead, then froze. "No…"

Hikaru blinked. "What's wrong?"

Nadia was staring in horror at the figure next to the Cowl, a small, pale child who was hovering in midair. Her face, hair and clothing were all the same eerie white color. "I don't know you!" shouted Nadia, backing away desperately. "There's—there's no reason you should torment me! No REASON!" She rushed forward swinging, only to have her fist knocked back by a sphere of light that appeared around the child.

"Moonstone," said the Crimson Cowl quietly, "why don't you and the Sub-Mariner go off and play? Dr. Strange and I—want to be alone."

The pale girl nodded, and flew directly into Nadia, ramming her through a wall. The Cowl glanced at Hikaru idly. "Now then, I believe we had a fight to begin…" He charged forward, swinging his knife. "Everybody's trying—to get to the bar," sang the red-garbed supervillain lightly. "The name of the bar—the bar is called Heaven." Hikaru ducked under a vicious slash that would have slit his throat. "The band in Heaven," continued the Cowl, "plays my favorite song." Hikaru repelled himself off a wall, and rolled beneath the next Cowl's next swing, putting a good distance between himself and his opponent. The Cowl twirled his blade. "Play it once again—play it all night long…"

Hikaru picked up a bit of broken masonry and hurled it at his enemy. "Would you stop singing that?"

"Why?" asked the Cowl, ducking. "Not a Talking Heads fan? That's such a shame. Personally, I think they capture the vital anomie of the modern urbanite…"

Hikaru ran forward and kicked the Cowl squarely in the chest. "For the last time—JUST SHUT UP! I don't want to hear your opinions, you murdering bag of slime!" As the Crimson Cowl fell backwards, Hikaru stared at him angrily. "What is with you? Do you think that you and I are going to be trading criticisms on world culture while you go around on killing sprees and try to conquer the world? Do you? Because we aren't, Cowl. It just isn't going to happen."

The Cowl leapt back to his feet. "Listen, Gosunkugi—Sentaro Kontsu killed his first man when he was fourteen. His stiffing on building materials caused the collapse of several hundred homes during an earthquake, killing quite a few people. Aikage Matsui once ordered a man kicked to death so he'd serve as a lesson to his rivals, and beat his several wives and numerous girlfriends. I have not been harming the innocent young flowers of spring here…"

Hikaru sent forth an energy blast that sailed over the Cowl's head. "Don't even try to pretend you have noble purposes, Cowl. Not with a straight face, anyway."

"You can't tell whether I have a straight face or not," muttered the Crimson Cowl. "And I must say—you're really slipping, Gosunkugi. Not only did you miss—but you forgot that it wouldn't have made a difference if you did hit me."

"I wasn't aiming for you," said Hikaru, as a large part of the wall toppled right on top of the Cowl. He smiled slightly. "At least—not directly." As Hikaru watched, the Crimson Cowl reared up through the heavy debris. He blinked. "Okay—I'm calling shenanigans."

The Cowl drew a small metal cylinder from his belt, and propped open the top, revealing a button. "Doctor—I'm a villain. We always use shenanigans." He pressed the button.

The entire mansion burst into flames.

-----

Kagome shook her head, and rose slowly. She blinked several times, then glanced over to the side. Inu-Yasha was lying unconscious a short distance away. She gasped and dashed to his side, then nudged his shoulder. "I-Inu-Yasha…"

The half-demon's eyes opened weakly. "Hey—Kagome. I got 'em—didn't I?"

"I saw it, Inu-Yasha," she whispered back. "Ya did good."

"Well, isn't that sweet?" said Oddball, rolling an orange ball between his fingers. Molten Maid, standing behind him, pounded her fists together. "I think those of us who are still standing will take you down right now…"

"Back away, right now," said Miroku. He walked before his downed comrades. "You don't want to deal with me…"

Oddball, Molten Maid, and Powderkeg all laughed. "Oh, come on," said Oddball. "You may be a fairly formidable fighter—but you are simply one ordinary man. I've seen you fight, and I don't think you have the skills to take on me and my associates…" He smiled slightly. "Why, Gypsy Moth alone was able to beat you…"

"True," muttered Miroku, a touch of nervousness in his voice. "But I have a secret weapon you have not counted on…" His hand went to his gauntlet.

"A peeved-off Captain Oni!" shouted Lum. She struck Oddball and Powderkeg soundly on the back of the head, and then threw Molten Maid into a tree. As the glistening villainess rose, Lum sent out a dazzling blast that hurtled her into the tree again. "Don't ever try to hurt me and my darling! And especially don't try to hurt me! It doesn't work, and I just wind up hurting you worse!" She turned to the others. "Well, darling, I took care of things, lickety-split, wid a chewwy on top! Aren't you pwoud of your liddle—?" A look of utter horror came over her eyes, as she saw Kagome lightly embracing Inu-Yasha. "NOOO!" She took several deep breaths, and shut her eyes. "Darling—what is that—girl doing to you?"

Kagome released him nervously. "Umm, I was just—"

Inu-Yasha rubbed his head. "Hey, you ain't got no reason to apologize!"

Kagome straightened. "Hey, right!"

Lum's right eye twitched, a tiny bolt of energy darting out the corner.

Kagome gulped.

Miroku coughed, and walked away. "Well, I'll just let you three discuss this between yourselves…"

-----

"Leave me alone!" screamed Nadia, pounding desperately against the white shield of energy surrounding the pale girl. She flew into it with all her might, screaming at the top of her lungs, while the mansion burned around her. "Why are you doing this to me? I couldn't know! I just couldn't!" Moonstone gestured, and Nadia was thrown backwards, into the wall. The Sub-Mariner wiped the sweat from her brow, and stared at her opponent.

Moonstone regarded her for a moment, then turned. "Go then." Suddenly, Nadia felt as if a great weight were pressing against her from above. The floor beneath her crumbled, and she fell, unable to take to the air as she would do normally. Fortunately, she was too resilient to be winded or bruised from such a fall. As the sensation of weight left her, Nadia looked around. She was in a tiny room, surrounded by all sides by flame. The gaping hole she'd fallen through was already a ring of fire. She glanced around nervously. She may have been bulletproof, and extremely heat-resistant, but in the end, smoke inhalation would get her just like everyone else—it would just take longer is all. And despite her resistance, she was hardly _flameproof_…

She sat down, and shut her eyes. She had no idea why that little girl had affected her like that, and she didn't necessarily want to. It had been frightening to lose control to the extent she had. And doing so had placed her in the position she was in now, of having lost the ultimate control of whether she lived or died.

Nadia il'Karthon began to sing softly to herself, though what the words of the song she sang meant, she could not say.

-----

"You see, Gosunkugi," explained the Crimson Cowl as he swung his knife at Hikaru's slender frame, "it occurred to me that your vaunted strategic abilities might perhaps be nullified by an environment that's innately hostile to you."

Hikaru kicked desperately. "I'm happy for you. Your bursts of originality are rare enough to warrant noting."

The Cowl grabbed him by the shoulders, and threw Hikaru through a burning wall. "You hurt me with that summary dismissal," muttered the supervillain in peeved tones.

For a moment, Hikaru's world was a mass of pain and the black swirls before his eyes, but he shook his head, and started to focus. "Okay, Hikaru, like the Ancient One always said, think of a fountain full of clear running water," he muttered softly. "Now—up—up—up…" He stood up, unsteadily, working to regain his sense of balance.

"Dogturb Stwanj! You broge my nobe, you babsturb!"

With a weary sigh, Hikaru turned to see Man-Killer rushing right at him. He stepped out of the way. Man-Killer tripped on his cloak, and stumbled out of a nearby window. "Ole," said Hikaru quietly.

The Cowl burst through the wall, and gave Hikaru a vicious hit to the stomach that sent him sprawling. "And when this dance is over—we'll start again. Won't be any different—will be exactly the same…" sang the Cowl softly.

Hikaru got to his feet. "For the last time—STOP THAT DAMN SINGING!" He wiped his forehead, and noted, with a sort of detached idleness, that he was bleeding. "If you don't stop—I'll make you…"

"How will you do that?" asked the Crimson Cowl.

"Well, you see," said Hikaru, "there was a fatal flaw in your plan. You stuck a guy who can call himself a Master of the Five Elements in a burning building." Hikaru raised his hand and gestured emphatically. The flames circled around him, twirling into complex patterns. "Not the wisest idea." He pointed forward, and a pillar of flame rushed out to engulf the Cowl.

"Oh, hell," whispered the supervillain, the second before the flames hit.

-----

Miroku blinked as he saw a cloaked form fall from the window. "Oh no," he said quietly.

"—And I'm telling you to keep your dirty, genetically inferior hands off my darling!" shouted Lum.

"What makes you think he's your darling?" snarled Kagome.

"Because I want him!" whined Lum. "And I've never not gotten anything I wanted when I wanted it! Never!"

Kagome scowled at her. "Well, what if someone wants it more?"

Miroku coughed. "I think Hikaru's in trouble."

"What makes ya think I 'm anybody's darlin'?" grumbled Inu-Yasha.

Kagome and Lum turned to him, their faces full of anger. "SIT!" shouted Kagome, as Lum unleashed a bolt of cosmic energy. As soon as they were finished, they turned and glanced at Miroku. "Now, what's that about Dr. Strange, Devil-Slayer?" said Kagome sweetly.

He gestured to the form that lay on the lawn, the smoke pouring off it. "I—think he's in trouble…"

Kagome's eyes widened in shock. "No! Dr. Strange can't be in trouble! He's pretty much our leader! He has to be fine! Leaders don't die! Only the handsome young rogue dies. On occasion." She glanced at Inu-Yasha, still lying stunned on the ground. "You know, maybe you should be more careful."

Inu-Yasha gave an wordless groan in response.

Kagome turned to the motionless cloaked form, and shouted. "Dr. Strange! Tell us your all right! Yell at us! Do something!" There was no response. Kagome fell to her knees wailing. "Oh, Dr. Strange! I failed you! I could of been a better sidekick—or partner, or whatever it was that I was to you! I could of—aimed a tiny bit better. Tried to figure out ways to not bug you! Paid for my meals every now and then!" She stood up proudly. "But this is a turning point! My moment of truth, justice, and stuff! I swear to lead Alpha Flight in your—"

"Kagome, not only is that the worst name yet, it's already taken," noted Hikaru darkly.

Kagome turned. "Dr. Strange! You're alive! Sooty, and kinda beat up—but alive!"

Hikaru nodded. "Yep, and you should see the other guy—though actually, you did…" he noted, walking forward. He knelt next to the Cowl's fallen form, and ripped off the cloak.

Kagome gasped. "The Crimson Cowl—is a robot!"

Hikaru frowned. "No. This isn't the real Crimson Cowl."

Suddenly, an image of the Cowl appeared, hovering over the mechanical form, apparently being projected from the automaton's eyes. "Ah, Gosunkugi. No doubt you're wondering what's going on here. Well, it's simple—I had an associate of mine put together a nice robotic replica of myself, which I then controlled via remote control. Thus, while you were engaged in a vicious fight to the death, I've been sitting here, cozy in my lair, reading a good book—_Les Miserables_ actually, that Victor Hugo writes a cracking good novel—and listening to good music." The Cowl gave a fond shake of the head. "But don't worry about me, Dr. Strange—I've still learnt from this fight, and have gained all sorts of information that I hope to use to destroy you and all that you hold dea—"

Hikaru kicked the robot's head away, causing the image to break up and vanish. "So," said Kagome, "there really is a team called Alpha Flight?"

"Yes. They're Canadian. Now let us never speak of them again." He turned. "Where's Nadia?"

Miroku stared at him. "Last we saw her, she was with you."

Hikaru bit his lip, and nodded. "Right. We got separated." He idly picked up the Cowl's cloak, and tore a strip of fabric from it, then headed off. "I'll go get her then. Kagome—you pick up the shard on that robot."

Kagome saluted. "On it, boss!"

Lum frowned, and followed after her. "Hey, we still haven't ironed out the fact that you're going stop chasing after my darling!"

Miroku watched the two young women squabbling, and then glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You know, you'd think I'd envy you, what with having two gorgeous women in love with you, but oddly enough, I don't…"

"Would ya just help me up?" groaned Inu-Yasha. "I think I can feel my legs again."

-----

Nadia nodded to herself. It had been some time, and no one had come. She sighed. So this was how it ended—her burnt to a crisp, never discovering the answer to who she was. Well, she'd face her death like a true daughter of the Sunken Kingdom…

The wall next to her collapsed. She glanced to the side, to see Hikaru standing there in an attitude of feigned nonchalance. "Coming?" he asked.

Nadia glared at him as she stood to her feet. "Give me a moment. I need to adjust my hair."

Suddenly, there was the cracking shudder of a building falling to pieces. "Stwange! Ahm gonn kee you!" The pair turned to see the battered form of Man-Killer standing in the large hole she'd just made in the wall opposite them. She snarled. "Pwepaw to day!" The ceiling above the villain suddenly gave way. "Oh, shid," muttered the Man-Killer, as the rubble collapsed on top of her.

"That was odd," noted Nadia.

"A very special moment," agreed Hikaru. They walked out of the mansion.

Kagome smiled at them. "Glad to see you got out okay, Nadia."

"So am I," said Nadia quietly.

"And guys—here's the best part." She gestured for them to follow. "Before we headed to the building, we rounded up all the Masters we could find, and restrained them. The only ones we missed were Black Knight, and Boomerang. We even got that Doctor Octopus guy! Pretty good—" She froze.

Aside from Hayato Myojin, all the Masters of Evil had vanished.

"Oh, great!" she yelled. "Now we'll have to do it all over again!"

Hikaru nodded. "I wouldn't feel so bad, Kagome. You did the best you could. We all did. Now, if you don't mind—I have to rest."

The others gave a cry as Hikaru immediately collapsed on the ground.

-----

The Crimson Cowl glanced at his minions, his hands cradled before him. "On the whole—I'm disappointed."

Oddball coughed. "Sir, Captain Oni alone proved more—"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?" shouted the Cowl. "DID I?"

"No, you didn't," muttered Oddball, looking away.

The Cowl turned away from his men, looking at the wall. "I'm looking into things. She will be neutralized. We will not find ourselves in this position again…"

"Sir, about Black Knight, and Boomerang…" began Gypsy Moth.

"They'll be fine. As will Man-Killer. Machinesmith's looking her over right now." The Cowl leaned back.

"And what about Doc Ock?" added Powderkeg.

"Someone had to serve as an example," replied the Cowl. "Anyway, he proved of very little use, so good riddance. The important thing is we will be back up to our full operating capacity in a very short time. Trust me." He waved them away. "Now go. And understand that I'm very disappointed."

Molten Maid glanced at the others as they filed out. "Well, I'm surprised. The Controller never lets a screw-up like this happen without electrifying the asses of half the crew…"

"Do you want to give him ideas?" hissed Gypsy Moth.

Machinesmith came in through the secret door as soon as they were gone. "She had a point. A mild dressing down, and getting rid of the one member everybody hated—not exactly stringent punishments."

"They're distractions," answered the Cowl quietly. "If you don't think a hat on a stick is taking enough shots, you stick it out a little further, and wave it a little faster. You don't tear it into pieces." He leaned forward on his desk, slouching somewhat. "I know what I'm doing."

"I hope so," said Machinesmith. "I've got Man-Killer's prognosis. It doesn't look good, actually. That—serum of hers really did a number on her metabolism…"

The Cowl opened up a drawer, and took out a bottle of scotch, and a shot glass. "I trust you to handle this matter as you see fit."

Machinesmith looked at him awkwardly. "I—thank you, sir." She gulped slightly. "I'll get right to it." As she headed back towards her entrance she looked at him. "Unless you'd like me to stay the night…?"

"I'd rather be—alone right now," he answered, pouring himself a drink. "If you don't mind."

Machinesmith nodded. "As you wish." She headed away, then turned to him. "You are a visionary. Never let anybody try to convince you otherwise."

The Cowl chuckled slightly. "Thank you, Machinesmith. It's nice to hear that."

She smiled at him, and then shut the entrance behind her.

As the Cowl began to sip at his drink, Moonstone appeared before him. "The demon hunters have been sent hurtling back to the void," she intoned direly. "This is your failure. This is your mistake."

"I'll get them back," muttered the Cowl. "We both know that they can be sent hurtling to the void and called back a thousand times. And if we lose them, others can take their place. They're unimportant. Minor details."

"The shard is not a minor detail," said Moonstone.

"All that matters with the shards is that either we have them, or they do," said the Cowl forcefully. "That's all." He gulped down the remainder of his glass. "Everything else—it doesn't matter." He shook his head and sighed. "Not at all."

-----

Dr. Octopus glared at Officer Kobayanshi as he filled out his release forms. "Trust me, woman, I shall note this insult, and when the time comes—an elaborate vengeance SHALL BE MINE!"

"That's nice, sir," said the policewoman with tired resignation. "Now just sign here."

Myojin grumbled, and put his name down at the bottom of the document. Tsuyaka looked him over for a moment, then idly reached over, yanked his mask, and then released it. It snapped back noisily to his face, causing the supervillain to emit a brief cry of pain. "Eighty-sixth ones up against the wall!" he shouted. "Do you hear me? _Eighty-sixth_!"

"Now why'd you do that?" Kobayashi asked her partner, as Doc Ock left the police station. "The creep will probably file a complaint."

Tsukya shrugged. "It bugs me that a scumbag like that will get off scot-free. We know he had something to do with the fire up at Kontsu's mansion, but he won't talk, and his family is cutting him loose…"

"Just let it go, . There are bigger things here than you or I." Kobayashi flipped through the paperwork. "Hey—Kei and Yuri have invited me out for drinks. You wanna come?"

"Nah. It's best to avoid those two. There's a reason they're called the Dirty Pair."

"What—do all their arrests result in massive property damage or something?"

"Nah. They're just in with the Yakuza up to their ears."

"Ahh."

Hayato Myojin snarled to himself as he walked away from the station. His career as a supervillain had had little success so far. He had no idea why. Perhaps he would have to increase his odds somehow… Passing by a magazine booth, he saw a picture of a tall gaijin wearing a metal harness with four—well, tentacles attached to it on the day's Mainichi Bugle. 'Dr. Otto Octavius's Amazing Metal Arms' said the caption.

A proverbial light bulb went off in Myojin's head. Such a marvelous invention! It was just perfect for him! With it, he could make the name 'Dr. Octopus' more than just an idle boast! With it—with it—

"I could throw _six_ octopus balls at once!" said Myojin, overcome with emotion. He rushed off to make Dr. Octavius an offer he couldn't refuse.

-----

Hikaru shook his head as he, Miroku, and Nadia walked back to his house. "Well," began Hikaru suddenly, "that didn't go too badly. We held our own—and this time we got the shard, even if most of the Masters escaped. Yep—much better this time! Hahaha—"

"Hikaru," said Nadia quietly, "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but if you don't stop, I'll rip your tongue out."

"Right." He shrugged. "I'm really no good at this whole 'jovial optimism' thing anyway. Now, you want soul-searing depression—that I can do…"

"When you passed out," Miroku said suddenly, "I did a little check. You were walking around with—three cracked ribs, what I think was sprained knee, a dislocated shoulder, possibly a concussion…"

"Well, I'm fine now," said Hikaru firmly.

"Yes," said Miroku. "I saw. Everything sort of—popped back into place..."

"Well, with magic, anything's possible," muttered Hikaru. "You just have a little headache afterwards."

"You're going to get yourself killed at this rate," said Miroku. "I hope you know that."

"I have an inkling to that effect, yes," said Hikaru.

There was absolute silence for a moment as they walked on. "Nice of you to check out Inu-Yasha's wound like that," said Miroku. "Funny thing, wasn't it?

"Very," answered Hikaru.

"Odd how after bothering for so long it just—healed like that," continued the monk.

"On the other hand, he is a half-demon," noted Hikaru.

"True," said Miroku.

"Umm, Hikaru," said Nadia softly. "Why are there two disheveled individuals camped out on your lawn?"

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "Right. Tour's over." He bit his lips, and took off his cloak. "I'll—take care of this." He walked forward. "Hey, Dad. Mom."

Toshiro Gosunkugi looked up at his son, blinking furiously. "Hikaru! Good to see you! Your mother and I can't find our keys."

Hikaru walked up to the front door, and unlocked it. "Right. So—how was the tour?"

His mother's head shot up suddenly. "The crowds were huge, drunk, and surly—the music was played ten times louder than it needed to be, and into the early hours of the morning every night…" She shook her head furiously, then stared at him. "In other words—BEST BLACK HEAVEN TOUR EVER! WHOOO!"

Toshiro coughed. "I think you need some sleep, dear."

Meiko Gosunkugi grunted dismissively. "That's for the weak! I'm telling you, Toshiro—I can see the atoms! THE ATOMS!"

Hikaru stared at his parents for a moment. "Umm—right." He looked away for a moment, then smiled at them slightly. "I just—wanted to say that—if I go—missing one of these days—it's—I love you, and it has nothing to do with you. You—did all right. On the whole."

"That's nice to hear, son," said Toshiro dazedly. "Now can you let us in? I think the purple alligator is hungry now, and we're probably very tempting targets."

"Oh, Toshiro!" said Hikaru's mother. "The purple alligator is the avatar of truth! We have nothing to fear from him! Let us cavort before his mighty jaws!"

Toshiro stared at her. "Meiko, in the unlikely event either of us remembers this, I'm going to use it as proof that, contrary to your repeated claims to the contrary, there are substances that can't be mixed. Understood?"

Meiko slumped against his arm. " 'Kay, Cap'n Kangaroo…" She began to snore fitfully.

"They're usually more cogent than this," noted Miroku.

"I would certainly hope so," answered Nadia.

-----

As soon as he'd put his parents to bed, and gotten some food mixed up for the others, Hikaru went up into his room. He'd need a good night's sleep—several good nights' sleep, actually—to get over this fight. But before he went to bed, he pulled a small scrap of red cloth out of his sleeve. "I'd just like you to know that bit by bit, fight by fight, I am getting closer to you, asshole, and in a little while, you won't have any place to hide any—" He blinked. "Oh, what am I doing? I'm talking to a piece of cloth." He tossed it on his desk, flopped on to his bed and Willed the lights off, as he settled in for what would be a long, dreamless sleep.

-----

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, someone was checking into a hotel.

"Well, miss," said Jinnai eagerly, "here's your key. Enjoy your stay here."

"Thank you," said Ran sweetly. "I'm sure we will." She glanced at her companion. "Rei! For the last time—no pens! You know what a mess they make!"

As the pair walked off, Excel approached him, carrying numerous towels. "Hey, Lord Trapster—the boss says that if you want to keep on working, to go ahead, but he's not paying you, and if he smashes your ugly grinning face, it's your own damn fault."

Jinnai mulled that over. "I think I shall leave this employ, Excel."

Excel nodded. "Right. Well, let's go pick up Medusa—she should just be finishing her shift at McDonald's."

"An excellent suggestion," said Jinnai, as he headed off with her.

"Well, I'll say this about that job," said Excel cheerfully. "We got lots of new clothes—and towels. Oh, and shampoo. And soap." She smiled. "Now all we need is some rain, and we'll be all set."

"Mmm," said Jinnai, nodding. "You know, Excel, I was thinking. That encounter with Dr. Strange has shown me—we have to step up our vigilance, so this weekend I'm thinking—"

"More seduction lessons?" asked Excel eagerly.

"I figure I could manage about—three tomorrow," said Jinnai. "That sound good to you?"

"I am always eager to increase our readiness against the devil forces of Mizuhara, sir!" shouted Excel.

"Good to know, Excel," said Jinnai. "You know, you're the best partner in wickedness a supervillain ever had."

"And you're almost as dashing and dynamic a force of evil as the Wizard," said Excel fondly.

Jinnai thought that one over for a moment. "Ehh, good enough. Anyway, we shall be triumphant, and so forth. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-----

-Next Chapter-

RAN: Vengeance. A dish best served cold. Or hot. Or with seventeen different spices. But the important thing, for those who desire to sup on vengeance, is to eat it. That is the ambition of those who seek to dine at the table know as retribution! That is why they seek REVENGE! And in our next tale, you will meet many such people! Yes, you will meet many hungry for vengeance in 'Brought to You By the Letter V—For Vendetta!' Be there!

HIKARU: That was almost atmospheric.

RAN: Why, than—

HIKARU: I said 'almost'.

MIROKU: You took away my chance to do the closing—for THAT?

NADIA: How come you aren't saying anything, Crimson?

CRIMSON COWL: Ehh, I kind of think my gag's played itself out.

-----

-Author's Notes-

I don't own any of these characters. To Marvel, and roughly 80 of the animation studios, and manga artists of Japan—please don't sue.

I told you this one would take some time. And it did—more than I expected. Hopefully next chapter will go quicker—but don't expect any miracles.


	9. Brought To You By the Letter V For Vende...

"Curse you, Japan!" shouted Nadia il'Karthan at the top of her lungs. "Curse you and your love of sensible, compact automobiles!"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Are you finished decrying my homeland's love for fuel-efficiency?"

Nadia regarded their foe. "It would only take a few more tons of metal, and I'd have him."

Hikaru Gosunkugi nodded sympathetically. There were times when he really wondered if he'd made any actual improvement in his life by becoming the Ancient One's apprentice. On the one hand, he was no longer a depressed young man with crippling low self-esteem and feelings of personal inadequacy, unable to do deal with life's problems. On the other hand, he now had to deal with new problems, like sixty feet tall stone giants.

Sixty feet tall stone giants that someone has seen fit to dress in giant green boxer shorts.

Naturally.

Kagome coughed politely besides her two allies against the forces of darkness. "Umm, Sub-Mariner, I really have to—talk to you about the whole—'destroying people's vehicles to stop the Living Colossus' plan."

Nadia glared at her. "Tell me, Hellcat, are we, or are we not saving these peons' behinds by stopping this gigantic stone monstrosity?"

"Um, we are, but—" began Kagome.

"Well, then I say we can hurl as many cars in pursuit of this noble and holy goal as we deem fit!" shouted Nadia. "And if they don't like it, they can come out here and fight the Living Colossus themselves!"

Hikaru shook his head. "I just love it when we see that underneath your idealistic exterior is a ruthless Nietschean who will stop at nothing to achieve her goals."

Nadia glanced at him bitterly. "We are not talking about this now, Dr. Strange. Especially as it clearly stems from your own feelings of insufficiency and lack of clarity. And also your height."

Hikaru gritted his teeth. "There is nothing wrong with my height. I am as tall as I need to be. Hence, my height is perfect."

Lum hovered down beside her. "Oh, don't worry about what Dr. Strange says, Sub-Mariner! He says things just like that about me all the time! And since, as we all know, being comparable to me is a sign of a person of the finest caliber, you should be happy!" She smiled. "And you are perfectly right—it is our privilege—nay, our DUTY, as beings of superior power to rearrange the lives of our inferiors as we see fit. When you Earthlings finally allow those among you are blessed with superior ability to rule over your pathetic masses with a free hand—then will you be allowed a place in the Oni Council."

Nadia glanced at her. "I thought you had an Emperor who was an absolute monarch?"

"We do," answered the Oni, "but being on the council let's you do all sorts of neat stuff, like say nice things about Emperor Ten, and polish his prize possessions. Oh—and you get a badge, and a certificate—and a free parking space!"

"Fascinating," said Nadia. "It seems with every new glimpse we get into your culture, I find something new to hate."

"Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you got sucky powers," said Lum. She blinked. "Except for the whole, you know, 'super strength' and 'invulnerability' deal. Oh, and the flying part—that's cool. But 'breathing underwater'—LAME! I mean, think of what you lost by getting that lousy power. You could have had super breath! Or—or X-ray vision!" She squinted slightly and raised her hands to her eyes, as if they were a pair of binoculars. "That has to be cool! Mumumumumumumumu!" she squealed, apparently attempting to imitate what she thought of as the sounds of X-ray vision.

Hikaru stared at her. "I find this conversation distressing." He looked up ahead at their advancing opponent. "I find the fact that nobody is doing anything to stop the sixty-foot stone monster—more distressing."

Lum snapped her fingers. "Knew I was forgetting something." She looked at Nadia. "Your fault for distracting me." She raised her hand, summoned up a ball of crackling cosmic energy, and fired at the street.

Hikaru stared grimly at the gaping hole, and then looked back at Lum. "Captain Oni, I know you hate it when people question your—unfathomable methods, but I have to ask—how does blowing a large pit in the street aid us in defeating the Living Colossus?"

"Ah ha!" said Lum ringingly. "How little you comprehend my ingenious plan!" She gestured forward, her bearing full of pride. "Now, yon Living Colossus is walking towards us, largely because Nadia keeps throwing automobiles at it."

Nadia glanced up at her quietly. "I don't think that has anything to do with it. And right now I'm trying a lamppost!" She threw the streetlight, then moaned in disappointment. "Oh, Hells' bells!"

"To continue with my flawless strategy," noted Lum, "the hole is in front of it." She clapped her hands together eagerly. "Now, when he steps forward, the Living Colossus will step in the hole and—get this—trip!"

Hikaru blinked. "Umm, right. Brilliant."

Lum gave him a thumbs-up. "Well, naturally! I came up with it! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru began to rub his temples. "Right. I think we should all back away from the hole. Right now."

Miroku nodded. "I agree."

Nadia coughed. "Likewise."

As the group backed away, Lum glared at them. "Oh, come on! You guys are going to miss the cool part where the Living Colossus is left helpless!" The others continued to back away. "Well, fine! Be that way!" She turned from them sulkily. "Looks like I'll be the only one to enjoy the thrill of my triumph." Lum glanced up, and noted the giant stone foot hurtling down towards her as the Colossus gingerly stepped over the hole.

The Colossus's foot hit the pavement with an audible crunch.

Hikaru blinked. "Is there a reason the JSDF hasn't shown up yet?'

"I hear they're suffering terrible budget cuts," said Miroku. "They can barely afford to keep their planes operating for a Godzilla attack these days."

"Figures," said Hikaru quietly.

Lum emerged from the rubble of the Colossus's footprint with her aura still flaring. "Hey! You were supposed to be foiled by my clever plan!" She began to hurl bolts at the creature's head. "How dare you not be!"

The Living Colossus tore free a billboard, and used it to swat Lum away, sending the Oni hurtling off into the distance.

Hikaru glanced around at his companions. "I am now fielding suggestions on how to deal with Rocky over there…"

Inu-Yasha stepped forward confidently. "Jus' let me handle it." He drew his sword. "One blast from this'll turn the Livin' Colossus into the Unlivin' Pile of Rubble…"

Hikaru winced. "Please don't joke, Inu-Yasha. You're not equipped for it, so it just winds up seeming awkward…"

The half-demon snorted. "Hey—a guy who can do this can do whatever he wants." He slashed down with his sword..

Nothing happened.

Hikaru coughed politely. "Right. Very impressive. We are so doomed."

Inu-Yasha stared at Tetusaiga. "Damn it! It worked last time!" He began to wave the sword frantically. "Maybe it's busted."

Miroku glanced at Hikaru. "You know, you could cast…"

"Tried it," said Hikaru grimly. "My easy spells aren't working on it, and the more powerful ones involve a great deal of loud chanting and standing around in one place. Not things I'm particularly keen on doing in this situation."

Kagome glanced around thoughtfully. "You know what this team needs? A super-scientist! I tell you, Force Works would really be something with a super-scientist."

"We're not a team, we're definitely not called Force Works, and we sure as hell don't need a super-scientist," stated Hikaru certainly. "Understand? Good. Glad we had this talk."

"But Hikaru—think about all the good a super-scientist can do for us! We could have GADGETS!" A glazed look came to her eyes. "It'd be like the Fantas—"

"DO NOT MENTION THEIR NAME!" shouted Hikaru. "I am so tired of being compared to a certain prominent quartet in this business. We have more members, we deal with neater threats, and we are all MUCH SNAZZIER DRESSERS! We are better than them! So no mentioning Mr. Freaking Fantastic Mizuhara, okay?"

Nadia blinked. "I had no idea the subject was such bitter one for you, Hikaru."

The magician frowned. "Let's just say I'm starting to understand why Placebo Pete hates him so much."

The Living Colussus stomped down a ramen stand. Miroku turned to Inu-Yasha. "Well—fork it over."

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru turned. "What are you two doing?"

"We had a bet going," explained Miroku. "I bet Inu-Yasha 600 yen that the Living Colossus would destroy the ramen stand. And I won."

"You guys are betting on the destruction?" said Hikaru, raising his voice.

"That has to be a new low," commented Nadia.

"Actually, no," said Hikaru awkwardly. "We've done this before. I was more offended that they didn't notify me."

"You know," commented Miroku, "I think he's going to smash in that bus terminal as well…"

"The one on the corner?" asked Hikaru.

"Precisely."

Hikaru nodded. "Right. You're on." He glanced at him. "Double stakes?"

"Naturally," said Miroku with a cheerful lilt to his voice.

"Great," said Hikaru. "Now I'm motivated again." He glanced to the side and realized Nadia was glaring at him. "What? This is about the only way I can ever get the money these clowns owe me."

Nadia blinked once, and then screamed. "Damn it, STOP ALL THIS TALKING!" She took a deep breath. "It will not stop this thing. What we need is action! Force! Power! What we need is—" She glanced to the side, and then stared in wonder. "A Ford Lincoln!" She rushed across the street, and embraced the bulky automobile that was parked there. "Ahh, good old-fashioned excessive American steel. How I've missed you!" She looked around. "Wow! There are at least eight of the things here!" She picked one up, and hurled it at the monster. "Ah ha, Living Colossus! Detroit says hello, courtesy of the Sub-Mariner!"

Hikaru began to wave at Nadia frantically. "Ah—Sub-Mariner…"

"Yes, Dr. Strange?" answered Nadia cheerfully as she picked another Lincoln up and tossed it. "Ahh—almost got him! Do you see how he's stumbling?"

"Umm, yeah, well—do you have any idea who usually buys big American cars in Japan?" asked Hikaru nervously.

"None whatsoever," announced Nadia, satisfiedly slapping her hands together as she watched her opponent fall unsteadily backwards and trip on a raised bit of pavement near the pit Lum had created.

"Hey!" shouted a low, guttural voice. "Look at what that dark gaijen bitch did to our cars!" Nadia turned to see about two dozen or so men wearing silk suits, all of whom seemed to be carrying guns.

"The yakuza," noted Hikaru meekly. He raised a force field, just as the gangsters started firing. "They like to stand out. Plus, I think they enjoy the extra trunk space."

"You do realize I'm bulletproof, Hikaru?" asked Nadia.

"Yes, but I'm not," answered Hikaru. "Plus, do you really want to find out just how bulletproof you are?"

Several of the thugs pulled out automatics, and began firing. Nadia gulped, then glanced at Hikaru. "Good point."

As the yakuza continued to fire, an arrow landed among them, then dissolved into gas. The gunmen began to yawn, then fell unconscious. Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome resentfully. "You coulda left me some guys to hit."

"Hey, you took out all the Ani-Men without even asking for my help!" replied Kagome.

Nadia glanced up. "Is that a government helicopter over there?"

"Finally," muttered Hikaru. "Probably here to announce that the government has determined the Living Colossus is in fact a threat, and that assistance will be sent shortly." He shrugged. "Well, let's go talk to them." He paused a moment. "Also Miroku—you owe me 1200 yen."

"I can pay you half of it," said Miroku nervously.

"Wait—" said Inu-Yasha harshly. "You never had the money to pay me if ya lost?"

"Well, yes and no," began Miroku.

Lum touched down and glanced at her allies. "Well, minions, as you doubtless noted, my pit was vital to our foe's defeat. So, unleash your plaudits!" She smiled broadly, and spread her arms, waiting for praise.

After a minute, she realized the others were heading towards the helicopter that was touching down on the street, and paying no attention to her. "Hey, guys!" she shouted. "If you think I'm the greatest, continue to say nothing to me and walk away!"

They did just that.

Lum leapt triumphantly into the air. "Woohoo! Lum is number one! All others are number two, or lower! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She then cheerfully sped after the others.

* * *

"Oh, yes, Captain Lum Oni, continue with your business, oblivious to the threat that even now stalks you, the threat that is me, Ran, your former best friend, the threat that is right now, this very instant, staring at you from across the street through a high-powered telescope…" 

"Umm, Miss—not to be impolite—but I was just wondering if you were going to actually get down to committing vengeance, or if you were just going to keep talking about vengeance, as you have for the last week or so…"

Ran turned on her underling. "Listen, Mad Dog, did you or did you not swear to follow my lead on this thing…?"

Mad Dog squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, yes, I did, but—well, I told you I know where they all live and you haven't done anything with it…"

Ran frowned. "I didn't see you doing anything with it before we came."

"Well, that was largely 'cause I wasn't sure I could handle the—well, increase in superpowered individuals," noted Mad Dog.

Ran raised her hand. A flickering ball of pure darkness appeared in it. "I'd keep that in mind when you're dealing with me, Mad Dog."

"R-right," gulped Mad Dog.

* * *

"I mean, I've got quite a lot of super-powered individuals with me on this as well," she noted. "There's me, and you, and the Eel, and Tiger Shark, and Rei…" She blinked. "Where is Rei?" 

"F-Flying Tiger just sort of strolled off, Miss B-Blackout," stated Mad Dog, stepping backwards.

Ran snapped her fingers. "Nuts! He could be anywhere!" Her eyes narrowed as she considered things. "Well, guess we'll have to do a quick review of every restaurant in a ten-block area."

"Right," said Mad Dog, who quickly got to his feet, and waited for her to rise.

Ran continued to look through her telescope. "By 'we' I meant 'you', Mad Dog."

He nodded quietly. "Right. Sorry about that. I sometimes miss the—subtle undertones of your orders."

"You know," began Ran, "when you're talking, you're not doing."

He gulped. "I'll correct that immediately." Mad Dog shook his head as he left the room. He'd had no idea that supervillainy could be so—nerve-wracking.

* * *

Defending 

Chapter 9—Brought to You By the Letter V—For Vendetta!

An "Avenging" Spinoff

David Dee

* * *

Hikaru stared at the government agent, his expression one of quiet frustration. "Now, tell me if I have this straight—me and my friends, having just taken out that monstrosity at great personal risk, are to be rewarded with a huge fine, and possible jail time." 

Agent Kaori Otani nodded grimly. "That is correct."

Hikaru blinked, then coughed. "I see. So the government is insane. I have always suspected this was the case, and now you have given me this dazzling confirmation."

Kaori frowned at him. "We are holding you responsible for all this destruction."

Hikaru looked down the devastated street. "Well, I could maybe understand the hole—which was not my idea—but you know, I'd say the big culprit here would be—you know—the Living Colossus…"

She stared at him coldly. "Ranga has diplomatic immunity."

Hikaru shook his head in disbelief. "What? Is he Henry Kissinger's personal assistant or something?"

Kaori glanced away. "The Living Colossus is a goodwill gift from the island nation of Barou."

Hikaru stared at the ruined street. "That's their version of a goodwill gift? What's a badwill gift? A cholera epidemic?"

Kaori's mouth tightened slightly. "It is not the position of the Japanese government to judge the folkways of others."

"Right," muttered Hikaru. "We just sell them cars and try to conquer them once a century if we think they're in reasonable proximity."

Kaori leaned forward, and grabbed Hikaru by the shirt. "Listen, you, I don't what kind of game you're playing, but I for one happen to believe in this country, which is why I became a government agent in the first place!" She took a deep breath. "Do you have any idea how it sickens me to see freaks like you idolized by the public for being reckless vigilantes who resist authority, while good men who do their duty are shot down and get a paragraph for an obituary and no one showing up at their funeral?"

"Are you sure you're talking about me?" said Hikaru. "Because my public approval rating is slightly lower than Parliament's. And we all know how much we hate Parliament. It's practically the national pastime."

Kaori continued to glare at him. "Listen—Dr. Strange, if that is your real name—"

"Well, of course it isn't," said Hikaru. "I never said that it was…"

"—I know you people like us normal folk to think you're our friends, but I know the TRUTH! You just want to rule over us all!"

Hikaru crossed his arms angrily. "That is just nonsense. None of us want that!"

Kaori gestured over at Lum, who was talking to the Taebo brothers. "—And that's why I'm destined to rule over you all! See?"

Ryo nodded dully. "Breasts… big…"

Kyo nodded in agreement, a bit of drool slipping out of his mouth. "Very… big…"

"Teeheheehee-tcha!" giggled the Oni. "Why, yes, they are! How nice of you to notice! I possess in every way a superior female form, yet more proof of my future dominance over you comically inept monkey-spawn." She nodded, her expression full of certainty. "Now, eyes go up, or pieces come off. I'm saving the glories of my body for my darling fiancé."

Hikaru looked at Kaori nervously, then coughed. "She's really only vaguely affiliated with us. Actually, we only keep her around because we're afraid if we don't keep an eye on her, one day we'll wake up to hear that she's vaporized the Diet…"

Kaori eyes narrowed. "It's going to be a real pleasure bringing you in."

"Sure, sure," chattered Hikaru nervously. "Oh, my! Look! Behind you!"

"Oh, right," snickered the agent. "There's something terrible behind me, right?"

Hikaru nodded earnestly. "A vision wrought with terror, beyond my humble abilities at description. Truly a sight that stands at the apex of horror."

"So why should I turn around?" pointed out Kaori.

"I naturally assume you want to see the thing that will eat you, out of idle curiosity, at the very least." Hikaru began to twiddle his thumbs awkwardly. "I know I would, though I will confess this attitude is probably what's results in my dressing up like an idiot and fighting crime and hideous monstrosities." He coughed slightly. "In other words, I may not be the best authority on these matters."

Kaori nodded. "You know, I'd expect the much-vaunted Dr. Strange to be capable of a more sophisticated strategy than 'it's right behind you'."

"And you'd be right," answered Hikaru. "I have in reality put into motion a far more elaborate and devious plan. You see, what you are now experiencing is nothing but a cunning post-hypnotic suggestion, carefully constructed to play on your own vanity and contempt for individuals like myself."

Kaori snorted. "Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that?"

"Eventually, yes, as it is the truth." Hikaru glanced away. "In point of fact, while your mind has imagined this brief conversation, two hours have passed, during which you released me and my cohorts, then attended to other matters I had instructed you to take care of, as an example of my power and why you should leave me alone."

"Right." Kaori shook her head. "Well, at least you're an interesting crazy, Doctor—" She blinked. Dr. Strange had vanished. Also, on closer inspection, she was standing on a completely different street. Wearing a chicken costume. And passing out flyers.

She glanced down at the flyer she was handing out. 'Dr. Strange's Chicken Chateau!' it read. 'Come for an eggs-tra good time!'

Kaori frowned. She really hated superheroes.

* * *

"Well, Hikaru, you certainly showed a remarkable respect for her rights as an individual," stated Nadia, as she paused from sipping her herbal tea. "Yes, that responsibility you constantly lecture on to not dominate our lessers—great job maintaining it." 

"Hey, not constantly," said Hikaru. "Just occasionally."

Nadia smiled at him confidently. "But you do acknowledge you lecture."

Hikaru shrugged. "I'm a sorcerer. It's what we do. You should feel lucky—I'm an iconoclast. Now, if I were a traditionalist, like the Ancient One, you would be smothered in clichés until you felt like you worked for a greeting card company." He shrugged. "But to get back the topic—I only violated her freedom because she was trying to limit our freedom, I gave her a chance to deal with us rationally, and she failed to, and I was fairly reasonable in my dealings in her, as I could have messed with her a lot more, and didn't." He smiled. "In fact, I personally feel I should be praised for my restraint. I mean, she works for the government. In some opinions, they barely count as human, like lawyers, radio DJs or mimes."

"So your morality is completely dependent on what is convenient at the moment," said Nadia scientifically. "Very interesting."

"Oh, like I your criticism counts, Miss 'Pacifist-Unless-Provoked'…" he snapped. "I seem to recall you shoving that Ryo guy into a garbage can."

"No, _Kyo's_ the one I shoved into a garbage can," corrected Nadia. "Ryo's the one Lum—"

"Let's not talk about that," said Hikaru loudly. "It makes me nervous."

Lum coughed softly. "It isn't permanent," she noted apologetically.

"Not talking about it!" yelled Hikaru. He glanced over at Miroku. "Do you have any idea how long they're going to be—occupied…? I really miss the inane conversation. It serves as a good distraction."

"Well—I think it's—that time of month," explained Miroku.

"Oh. Right." Hikaru sighed. "That's how much this job is getting to me—I can no longer keep track of time."

"You can always listen to the karaoke if you're bored," noted Miroku.

Hikaru turned to the stage. "He brought out the woman in me," sang the middle-aged salaryman who was standing there.

Hikaru sighed. "I think I'll pass. I actually understand English, so that makes listening to certain song choices—painful." He crossed his arms. "Plus, I'm really no big fan of the pastime. There are enough people with delusions of talent in the world already without creating something that'll encourage them."

Nadia sighed. "Why are you such a bitter man?"

Hikaru thought on that a moment. "Life hates me," he answered, "so I hate it back in return." He shook his head. "But seriously, the moment our fair nation's bars and public places became hostage to anyone drunken enough or stupid enough to get on the stage and expose the world the fact that they can barely sing 'My Way' was the moment Hell began to seep out onto the Earth…"

"I suppose you have a point," said Nadia.

"Hey, Sub-Mariner," said Haruka, walking up to their table. "You're coming up next!"

Nadia blinked. "What? I believe you're mistaken, Miss, as I don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking ab—"

"What?" muttered the waitress, puzzled. "But—look, you specifically came to me and asked if we had 'The Tide is High', and when I told you we did, you—"

"Schweisse! Schweisse!" screamed Nadia.

"Okay, okay, forget about it!" muttered Haruka.

"See?" said Hikaru bleakly. "That damn machine is ruining this place."

Haruka shrugged. "Ehh, it's not so bad. And we have to get something to compete with the Starbucks they put up around the corner…"

"Well, you can rest assured that vile den of corporate disease will never have this superhero's patronage," said Hikaru forcefully.

"Good to know," said the waitress as she walked to the next table.

As soon as she was gone, Nadia turned to him. "You know I hear they have really, really good cof—"

"I'm not going to Starbucks," said Hikaru. "As I've stated, this place has an ambience that I like."

"Last week you said the attitude in here could kill a person with a weak heart," noted Miroku.

"Like I said, ambience," muttered Hikaru through clenched teeth.

"Oh come on, you look fine!" came Kagome's voice.

"I… hate this…" muttered Inu-Yasha.

"Oh, boy!" shouted Lum. "Darling is back from the mysterious bit of business that put him in the arms of the she-witch Kagome! Now to make up for that lost ti—" She turned around and froze, then stared at the handsome young man Kagome was leading by the hand. A frown broke out on her face. "Hey! What did you do to my darling?"

Inu-Yasha sighed. "It's nothin', Lum. Just my curse. Once a month I turn into a human…"

"Yeah," said Hikaru. "What a calamity. Once a month, you change from a sideshow act into a bishounen god. Damn your bad luck."

"Hey," said the half-demon resentfully. "Would you be happy to lose your powers for a night?"

"Let me thin—yes. If I looked like you do now, I'd take it in a second," said Hikaru.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," said Lum. "Before my darling had a raw animal magnetism. He was a magnificent creature, striking to behold." She sighed. "Now he is just another example of the mediocrity that is your race of crudely-formed, upright-walking primates."

"Exactly!" said Inu-Yasha. Suddenly, his eyes widened in horror. "Did I just agree with Lum?"

"We forgive you," said Nadia pleasantly.

"Ahh, there you guys are," said Haruka. "You're up!"

"All right!" said Kagome, grabbing Inu-Yasha. "Come on! This'll cheer you up!"

"Ahh, Kagome I—"

Kagome tugged him along eagerly. "Oh, trust me, Son of Satan! Karaoke makes everything better!" Inu-Yasha sighed as he followed after her.

"Hey!" said Lum. "You already got five minutes of Darling all to yourself! No fair hogging him!" She started after them.

Hikaru shook his head. "If I had his luck with women—I'd kill myself."

"Oh, he loves it," said Nadia. "That boy clearly is looking for someone to give him a little guidance, and he tends to attract girls looking for someone to mother." She glanced at Hikaru. "Now you would hate it. You're a total control freak."

Hikaru crossed his arms. "I am not."

Haruka walked back to the table. "Hey, Doc. Want a refill?"

Hikaru nodded. "Fill only half the cup—I don't want to be up all night. Oh, and could I have a slice of cheesecake? Vanilla bean. Marble, if you're out of that. And I'll need a fork."

"You've got a spoon right—" began Haruka.

"I'll need a fork," said Hikaru forcefully.

"Okay then," said the waitress, nodding as she quickly backed away.

Hikaru glanced back at the chuckling Nadia. "What's so funny?"

"This is the one joke, Hikaru, that you'll never get," said Nadia.

Hikaru frowned. "Look, I know what I like, okay? Is that a crime?"

Nadia seemed about to answer him when the sound of brass began. The pair turned to see Kagome on the stage, bouncing cheerfully along with the tune, an embarrassed Inu-Yasha by her side. She raised the microphone to her face. "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" she sang energetically. She pointed the microphone at Inu-Yasha.

"Shaft," he mumbled half inaudibly.

"Ya damn right!" said Kagome. "Who's the man that would—"

"My turn!" shouted Lum, leaping up on the stage, and ripping the microphone out of Kagome's hands. "—the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Pause. Shaft. I can dig it."

"Hey, give it back!" yelled Kagome. "You're messing up everything!"

"No, you are!" shouted Lum.

Hikaru's leaned forward grimly. "Today has been a constant stream of embarrassment."

Lum yanked the microphone out of Kagome's hand, and it held above her head, the severed wire dangling after it. "HA! I WIN!" She turned back to the karaoke screen. "Shut your mouth! I'm only talking about Shaft! Then we can dig it!"

Hikaru slouched forward some more, and groaned.

* * *

"Is there a reason we're not striking now?" asked the man in the black suit. 

The old man dressed in what looked like a modified Imperial Navy uniform nodded. "They're at full strength. We're not. I think that should be enough for you."

The man in black glanced at the squabbling heroines on the karaoke stage. "This is full strength?"

The old man stared at the group, and laughed. "Don't be fooled. I've seen them rally, and it is quite the sight." He smiled, his expression getting almost wistful. "They are bound by ties that I think even they do not perceive. Dr. Strange by an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the others, Hellcat by her drive to be a hero, Son of Satan by his urge not to fail Hellcat, Captain Oni by her gargantuan ego, and the Princess Nadia, by both her sense of justice—and her own rage."

The girl glanced at him. "What about Devil-Slayer?"

The old man shrugged. "Ehh, he's pretty much a third wheel…"

"Ahh," she said with a nod.

"Well, I still think we could take them right now," muttered the man in black.

"And you're wrong," said the old man. "Accept that." He sipped his drink. "And remember who's in charge."

The man in black grumbled to himself, and glanced awkwardly away.

"Sorry for your food taking so long," said Haruka as she stopped over with a tray. "Let's see—ramen for the gentlemen, and a hamburger for the lady."

The girl glanced at her suspiciously. "You made it rare, right…?"

"Any rarer, and it'd moo when you bit it," answered Haruka.

Before the waitress's startled eyes, the girl swallowed the burger in one gulp.

"Now, dear, what did I tell you about table manners?" admonished the old man.

"Sorry, dad," said the girl, wiping her mouth. She smiled at the waitress, revealing rows of sharp, knife-like teeth. "Could I have a second one?"

Haruka gulped and nodded. "Sure thing, kid. On the house." She quickly backed away.

The old man sighed. "I wish you wouldn't show off like that."

"Aww, come on," said the girl. "I'm a growing girl who likes her meat."

"You don't see me using my powers, do you?" said the man in black.

"That's cause you're not wearing your suit," replied the girl. The man in black glared at her. "You know," she continued, "I do have to ask—weren't you dead?"

The man in black sighed. "No. That's Stryke." He turned away. "An American supervillain who started in the business a little after I did. Made a similar suit, actually, with similar powers. It was five years before either of us had the least idea the other existed, and by that time, neither of us wanted to give it up…"

"Oh," said the girl. "So you killed him."

The man in black frowned. "No—he was killed by Edward Lavell—a Maggia crime boss who wanted Stryke's suit. He contracted a hit, and there went Stryke. Though I hear Lavell is using the name as well…"

The girl blinked. "What's—the Maggia?"

"It's an organization of Italian criminals, largely centered in New York—"

"Oh! You mean, the 'Mafia'!" said the girl delightedly.

"No, the Maggia. It's completely different. It has two 'gs' instead of an 'f'." He coughed awkwardly. "Also, no ties to the Teamsters' Union."

She nodded. "Ah. I see." She smiled pleasantly. "You know, Eel, I have to say you handle things well." She chuckled. "If I were constantly confused with a dead man, and at least one other person were using my name—well, I'd lose my temper, and there'd be unpleasantness."

The Eel stared at her levelly. "Shut up, Tiger Shark."

The old man sighed. "Young people these days. In my day, we had order."

Tiger Shark looked at her father. "In your days, you had a military dictatorship."

The old man shrugged, politely, and sipped his drink. "I personally don't see where that was a problem."

* * *

"—And I'm worried about Hikaru, Toshiro," Meiko Gosunkugi said sharply. "These strange hours he's been keeping—the constant absences—that strange manga club…" 

"Oh, I don't see how they're so unusual," said her husband dismissively.

She glanced at him. "If they're a manga club, how come they never discuss manga, so far as I can tell?"

Toshiro shrugged. "I wouldn't say that. Why, just the other day, Kagome and I had a discussion of Char Ana—"

"Do not finish _that name_, Toshiro," said Meiko harshly. "I went through over a decade of having conversations with you where _that name_ was a component, and I really, really don't want to experience them ever again."

"Right, honey," answered Toshiro meekly.

"And aside from Kagome, have any of the other members ever expressed an interest in any comics, at all?" said Meiko bluntly.

"Well, Miroku does collect quite a few titles—though admittedly from what I've seen all of them involve the words 'cream', 'whips', or 'schoolgirls'," noted Toshiro absently.

Meiko stared at her husband for a moment, rubbing her temples. "Will you just admit I'm right about this?"

"Okay, the manga club is a little funny," admitted Toshiro. "And Hikaru's been acting a bit odd. Still I don't see what's so bad? I mean, really what could be going on?"

Meiko crossed her arms, and began to tap her feet.

* * *

Young Meiko Gosunkugi stealthily made her way downstairs, and tiptoed to the cupboard. She began to root through it, and then picked out a package of fruit rolls, and began to head out. As she turned to leave, she bumped into her mother. Her mother coughed awkwardly. "Umm, Meiko—honey—nice to see you." She glanced around the room, her expression rather desperate. "So, how—" 

"I'm fine," blurted out Meiko.

Her mother nodded. "Umm—right—well, I was just wondering if you want to ta—"

"I'm fine," said Meiko, darting past her mother, and heading back to her room. As she entered it, she let the familiar sounds of "Incense and Peppermints" wash over her. "Hey, Toshiro. Brought the snacks."

"Cool," said Toshiro, lying dazed on the floor with a small brown cigarette in his hand. "What'd you bring?"

"Fruit rolls," said Meiko, tossing the package at him. She took the cigarette from him. "Ran into my mom while I was getting them."

"Bummer," said Toshiro abstractly. He began to open a fruit roll. "So, like I was saying, we're all part of this one big thing, that's gradually becoming part of _another_ big thing, and when that happens—there will be all this thingness, all around us, in the air and the trees, and it will be good, and beautiful…"

Meiko puffed on the cigarette, and giggled. "Man, that poster's so _purple_!"

* * *

Toshiro winced. "Oh, my god…" 

Meiko nodded. "The cold spectre of remembrance just dart across your grave, Toshiro?"

Toshiro looked at her. "Something like that."

At that moment, they heard the front door open. " '—Whose reckless behavior caused wanton property destruction'!" came Hikaru's voice harshly. " 'In the opinion of this editor, these out of control delinquents should be exported, preferably to a nation we don't have trade agreements with.' " As he entered the living room, Nadia and Miroku following him, he crumpled up the newspaper he was reading, and threw it on the table. "How they can write that and not have their presses explode is beyond me…"

"Hikaru, do you care about publicity, or do you dislike it?" said Nadia sharply. "Because you seem to be taking both stances at one, which really isn't very reasonable…"

"For the last time, I'm ambivalent about it, which is a perfectly legitimate viewpoint—"

Toshiro coughed. "Umm—hi, son."

Hikaru froze. "Umm—hi, dad. Mom."

Meiko nodded stiffly. "Son."

Nadia stuck her hands in her pockets. "Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi…"

Miroku walked upstairs. "I've got a video to watch. For my—Buddhist study classes. After I'm done, I'll be going out. To meditate."

Nadia and Hikaru stared awkwardly at Hikaru's parents, who stared awkwardly back at them. "So—" began Toshiro at great length. "How was the manga club meeting…?"

"Fine," announced Nadia and Hikaru simultaneously.

"Very good," appended Hikaru.

"We were discussing the manga, at great length and with inspired insights," added Nadia.

"Well," said Toshiro, "that's good to know…" He blinked, then coughed. "So—Nadia—how are you—enjoying it here?"

"Oh, very much," said Nadia. "It's so nice to sleep in a bed again…"

Meiko looked at her in surprise. "You weren't sleeping on a bed before you came here?"

Nadia blinked. "Umm, no, I was… not, because…"

Hikaru coughed. "Long airplane flight."

"Right. Right." Nadia nodded energetically. "On my airplane flight, which was very long, I learned how irritating it is not to sleep in a bed."

"Naturally, she had a bed back home," stated Hikaru.

"Of course," agreed Nadia. "My home had a bed. My home had many beds. You cannot comprehend the sheer amount of beds that were in my home."

"So—where is your home?" asked Meiko softly.

"What?" said Nadia, her voice panicked.

"Your home—where is it exactly?" repeated Meiko. "Where do you come from?"

"Ahh, yes—my home. My place of origin. What a reasonable question." Nadia coughed.

"Quite reasonable," added Hikaru with an affirmative nod.

"Oh, definitely." Nadia glanced around desperately. "So—where am I from? That's an easy question to answer. I'm from—I'm from—"

"India," blurted out Hikaru.

"Africa," blurted out Nadia at the same time.

The pair stared at each other in ever-mounting panic. "What I meant," noted Hikaru, "was that's she's an Indian—from Africa."

"Yes," said Nadia. "That's it exactly."

"Right," said Hikaru.

"An Indian—from Africa?" said Toshiro, puzzled.

"They're quite common," said Nadia surely.

"Yes, very common," agreed Hikaru. "Not as common as Africans from Africa, mind you, but still common."

"Nothing unusual about them at all," said Nadia.

"And you should know, because you're one of them," said Hikaru.

"Very much so," affirmed Nadia.

The pair began to nod at each other, something they continued to do for just over a minute.

"So," said Meiko at last, breaking the silence, "what country in Africa are you from?"

Nadia turned to her, thunderstruck. "Wha—what country? What country, am I from? That's a good question. A perfectly reason—"

"Dear Lord, Nadia!" shouted Hikaru suddenly. "We forgot about THE THING!"

Nadia slapped her forehead. "That's right! The thing! The thing upstairs! The thing we must take care of! Right now!"

"Damn straight!" agreed Hikaru emphatically. He immediately started rushing to the stairs, Nadia on his heels.

"What's—the thing?" muttered Toshiro.

Hikaru turned around, and spread his hands forcefully. "That is something we are not at liberty to reveal!"

"Yes!" shouted Nadia. "The thing is not a safe thing! It is a dangerous thing! It is a thing that could destroy the unready! And that is why we must take care of the thing! Immediately!"

"Right!" said Hikaru, as the pair rushed up the stairs.

Meiko and Toshiro looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Finally, Meiko coughed. "That was weird."

"Yes, I have to agree," stated Toshiro, his voice slightly dazed.

She sighed. "So, Toshiro—it looks like it is time to give Hikaru—the talk."

"Oh, do we have to?" whined Toshiro. "You know how awkward it will be." He glanced at his feet. "I hate awkwardness."

Meiko smiled. "Toshiro, you find everything awkward."

"Well, yes," said Toshiro, "but the secret I've used to getting through life without a nervous breakdown is choosing the activities and people that inspire the minimum amount of awkwardness. I mean, that's why I married you."

Meiko frowned. "Gee. Thanks."

Toshiro shrugged. "What can I say, Meiko? You're the one person I feel anything close to comfortable around. If that isn't love, I don't know what is…"

Meiko stared at him a moment, then smiled and draped an arm around his shoulder. "Well, right back at you, Toshiro—you're the person I feel the closest to comfortable around myself." She chuckled. "Plus I find that way you have of screwing up, and then miraculously finding something that turns everything around really, really endearing."

Toshiro smiled. "What can I say? I'm a man of small, but potent gifts."

* * *

The door to the apartment opened. "So—did you follow them?" said the old man.

Tiger Shark snorted. "Tried to. Lost the scent." She shook her head. "It was—weird. One moment we were on their tails—the next we—well, we just weren't."

The Eel nodded. "It was quite nerve-wracking."

The old man sighed. "Well, then—looks like we'll have to go in with your friend Mad Dog and his friends on this." He shook his head. "I really wish we didn't—Mad Dog seems to be quite—unstable."

"And Blackout's worse," muttered Tiger Shark. "Still—if we want to get them, we'll have to attack at full strength…."

The old man nodded. "I'll call them." The Eel headed towards the door. "Where are you going?" asked the old man, as he picked up the phone.

"I'll need my suit," answered the Eel. "Unless you want me to just—hang around, of course."

"Right," said Tiger Shark. "Well, see you in the funny pages then."

The Eel smiled. "Naturally, naturally…"

* * *

Kilala's licking on her face awoke Kagome, on what looked to be a glorious morning. Kagome petted the demon cat's head fondly. "You want some breakfast, Kilala? Breakfast?" Kilala purred contentedly. Kagome nodded. "All right! I'll go get you some…" She put on her robe, and stepped out of her room. 

She was surprised to find herself stepping into a snare, and then being left hanging upside down. She was also thankful she wore rather bulky pajamas, as the robe slipped off her shoulders. "Hi—Kagome," announced Lum, smiling cheerfully. "I think you and I should have a little talk."

Kagome gulped. "What—about—Lum?"

"Wellllll," began Lum. "I think you've been paying a bit too much attention to Darling, and I'm going to ask you to stop. And if you don't stop, I'll come down on you with all of my power, a force that the stars themselves are impotent against, and which consumes those who oppose it with a cruel and terrible fury." She winked at Kagome. "Understand?"

Kagome stared at her. "Umm—Lum—I really think you should just let me down…"

"I'm sorry? Was that you saying 'Gee, Lum, I understand, I'll leave your fiancé alone from now on, now please spare my insignificant life'? 'Cause it didn't sound like that…" said Lum tapping her feet.

Kagome frowned. "Look, Lum, Inu-Yasha has told you he doesn't like you. And I don't think threatening me will help you. So why don't you just let me down, and we'll all—"

"Still sounds like you're saying something different than what I want you to say!" noted Lum cheerfully.

Kagome growled slightly to herself, then glared at Lum. "That's it! You want to fight over Inu-Yasha? Fine! That's what we'll do! And if you think you can handle the fury of Hellcat—well, you can't! I'm—very cool actually."

Lum blinked. "Wow. You really are bad at being threatening, aren't you?"

"Well, at least I don't giggle when I do it," muttered Kagome.

"Oh, you silly," laughed Lum. "I only giggle cause I like threatening people! It makes me feel all fluttery inside. Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Kagome! Lum!" came the voice of Mrs. Higurashi. "It's breakfast!"

"We'll be right down, Mom!" shouted Kagome.

"Right!" said Lum. "I just have to untie Kagome first!"

"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that!" said Mrs. Higurashi loudly.

Kagome crossed her arms as Lum lowered her to the ground. "You know, Lum, you didn't have to use a snare to talk to me."

"Sure, I did!" announced Lum. "Snares are fun!" She shook her head. "So—you still haven't seen the light, and are going to try and forestall my inevitable victory?"

"What do you mean 'inevitable'? said Kagome, as she landed smoothly on the floor.

"Well, I never lose," replied Lum with a smile. "So, naturally, I will beat you."

"Umm, but, didn't Hikaru and the others beat you?" asked Kagome, scratching her head. "When you wanted to blow up the Earth, and they stopped you? Isn't that the whole reason your people exiled you in the first place?"

"Oh, everybody just thinks I lost," answered Lum confidently. "I'm really just biding my time, waiting for the perfect moment to achieve perfect victory."

Kagome stared at her. "Wow. I think I get what Hikaru was talking about when he called you 'psychotically deluded'."

"Well, I don't," said Lum dismissively. "Why do you disgusting genetic inferiors have so many terms that we Oni don't even have concepts for? Don't you realize that if it were important, we'd have a word for it? A better one, in fact?"

Kagome sighed. "I also think I understand what he meant when he said you were impossible to talk to…" She stood up, and then shuddered slightly. "Man, being upside-down really makes the blood rush to your head…"

"Yeah, that's what Ran used to say," noted Lum.

"Ran?"

"My old you," said Lum. "She was my best friend, who always existed in the shadow of my incandescent glory." Lum sniffled. "Boy, I miss her. Why, sometimes, I can almost hear the sweet sound of her voice."

* * *

"Gonna kill the bitch, kill her 'til she dies, dies screaming in agony," sang Ran softly, in a sweet voice. 

"Umm, Miss Blackout?" asked Mad Dog politely. "Are we going to—you know—do something soon?"

Ran turned to look at him. "We are doing something, Mad Dog. We're spying on them. And until our friends get here, that's all we will be doing."

"But—" began Mad Dog.

"Why don't you go get Lord Rei?" asked Ran. "I think he headed off after that fried dough cart…"  
"Oh, no," muttered Mad Dog. "Not again."

Ran turned to him. "What was that?"

Mad Dog gulped. "Well—Miss Ran—it just seems to me that—well, since I teamed up with you, I've spent a lot of time looking after Flying Tiger…"

Ran nodded. "That's right. He needs a lot of looking after. Lord Rei dwells on another plane, a higher one than the rest of us mere mortals, and as such, he needs a great deal of assistance getting through the day…"

Mad Dog coughed. "He seems to mostly be interested in eating. I wouldn't call that—"

Ran turned to glare at him, holding up a sphere of darkness. "What wouldn't you call it?"

"Nothing," whimpered Mad Dog. He started to scurry away. "I'll—go get him."

Ran nodded to herself. "Good."

* * *

Nadia came down to the Gosunkugi breakfast table, with a smile on her face. "Botswana!" she announced loudly. "I am from Botswana." 

Meiko and Toshiro looked at each other hesitatingly. "That's… nice," stated Toshiro after a long silence.

"Yes, Botswana," continued Nadia. "Population; 1,561,973 people. Capital; Gaborone. National Language; English, with the dominant native language being Setswana. Principal industries are diamonds, copper, nickel, salt, soda ash, potash, livestock processing, and textiles. The chief agricultural products are livest—"

"That's all very interesting," said Meiko abruptly. "Now please shut up."

"Right," said Nadia with a nod. She sat down, and looked at them eagerly. "You sure you don't want to here more about my native land of Botswana?"

"Very sure," replied Meiko with a nod.

Toshiro glanced at her. "So—want some French toast?"

"Sure," said Nadia handing him her plate.

As her husband forked food onto the girl's plate, Meiko looked at Nadia quizzically. "So, Nadia…" she began.

"Have you changed your mind about hearing about Botswana?" the young woman asked hopefully.

"No," said Meiko direly. She coughed apologetically as Toshiro placed the plate gingerly before Nadia. "Actually, I was wondering about Hikaru…"

Nadia, reaching towards her fork, froze. "Hikaru?" She laughed nervously. "Why would you want to ask me about Hikaru? Me, who has only known him for a brief time, especially when compared with you, his parents?"

Meiko leaned forward. "Because you're his friend, who would know if my son was getting involved in something dangerous, and would naturally tell me."

Nadia glanced down at her French toast, then shoved the plate away. "You know, I just remembered—I'm on a diet…" She stood up, and nodded. "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi, it was nice talking to you…"

Meiko nodded. "Could you send Hikaru down?"

"Right. Sure. Whatever you say." Nadia darted out of the room, and up the stairs, stopping to take a deep breath. She shook her head, and knocked at Hikaru's door. "Umm… Hikaru? Can I come in?"

"Sure, sure," said Hikaru distractedly. "Just don't touch anything…"

Nadia entered the room to find Hikaru on the floor, lying on his belly while grabbing his legs, which he had bent backwards. She stared at him for a moment. "What are—?"

"Yoga," he answered concomitantly. "I'm presently doing the bow pose."

Nadia nodded. "Ahh." She coughed. "Is that as uncom—"

"Only at first," he answered. "Then your spine gets used to being treated as if it were made out of rubber." He took a deep breath. "Actually that's one of the best parts about these exercises—they've given me the flexibility that allows me to break bones much less often than I should, and the endurance to keep on going when I do."

Nadia frowned. "Oh. That's—nice to know." She watched him for a moment. "How long do you have to hold—?"

"Another five minutes," replied Hikaru.

Nadia nodded slowly, then coughed. "Do you have to do this?"

"Yes. It balances my energies," stated Hikaru flatly.

"What?"

"My energies. My chi. My vital force. The inner power that all possess but few learn how to direct." Hikaru shut his eyes. "Absolutely necessary for any who practice the Art. My ability to tap into my own energy is what allows me to summon forth the powers of the universe, and must be maintained—"

"I get your point," said Nadia. "There's no need to elaborate."

"Fine," answered Hikaru.

There was a long, awkward silence. Finally, Nadia coughed. "Not very—exciting is it?"

"You missed my Astanga drills with power yells," replied Hikaru.

She nodded. "So that was what sounded like a sick, dying cat earlier."

Hikaru gave her an offended look. "I prefer to think of it as a sick, dying mountain lion, myself."

"Your parents want to talk to you," said Nadia.

Hikaru rolled to his feet. "Right. Probably some family togetherness thing. If you hear me knocking three times on the table, come down to bail me out. I will need it…" He walked out of the room.

Nadia shook her head. "That boy is going to have three ulcers by the time he's twenty…"

* * *

"—And trust me, when I'm done crushing you, you will have learned the limit of being crushed!" shouted Lum, waving her fist. "You'll be the epitome of crushedness!" 

"Oh, I think you'll find that I don't get crushed," said Kagome. "I'm the least crushedable thing on the planet!"

"Well, that's because you've never had the weight of Lum Oni on top of you!"

Kagome's mother began to hum fervently, and nervously wipe at the counter. Sota glanced nervously at the Oni. "So—you want some more chocolate milk?"

Lum waved her hand in dismissal. "No thank you. I think I shall have the PULPY JUICED EXTRACT OF CRUSHED ORANGES! ORANGES—THAT HAVE BEEN CRUSHED AS I SHALL CRUSH YOU, KAGOME!"

"Do you have to be so emotional about this?" asked Kagome quietly.

Lum crossed her arms. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Kagome looked away. "You never do, do you?"

Lum frowned. "I do not need this unjustifiable persecution, and am going to drink my juiced oranges."

Kagome took a deep breath. "You know, Lum, I'm starting to get used to having you around, and when you get down to it, what bugs the heck out of me is that you can never be wrong. The moment you say something, it's the truth because you said it. Everyone else is just this—thing for you to be better than, or maybe something for you to have. You don't care what anyone else thinks…"

"Hey, look!" said Lum cheerfully. "I can blow bubbles in my drink!" She commenced to do just that.

Kagome slumped forward, defeated.

"Hey, wuzzup…" came a sleepy voice.

"Hey, Inu-Yasha," said Kagome. She turned to look at him. "Umm—whoa. What's happened to you?"

"What're ya talkin' about?" muttered the half-demon groggily.

"You're still human," answered Kagome.

"What?" shouted Inu-Yasha. He picked up a plate and glanced at his reflection. "Oh, man! Not now!"

Kagome blinked. "This has happened before?"

"Yeah, a couple times," muttered the half-demon. "The first time was when I'd been huntin' fire rats for a month, and gotten myself all kinds of tired…" He shook his head. "Anyway, it should clear up by tonight."

"Hmmph," muttered Lum, crossing her arms. "This whole thing stinks of Skrull trickery. I can _feel_ their green, scaly fingerprints all over this…"

"Aren't they—dead?" asked Inu-Yasha.

"That's just what they WANT people to think!" The oni glanced around the room in a paranoid fervor. "Those twisted masters of shape-shifting could be anywhere—or anyone!" She glanced down at her ankles. Booya was lightly swatting at them. "AH-HA! Caught you!" She grabbed the cat by the waist and lifted him up to her face. "Thought you could get away, didn't you? Well, I'm on to you, pal! Now, confess! You're a Skrull, aren't you?"

Kagome sighed. "Lum, put the cat down."

Lum glared at her. "Are you kidding? I'm this close to cracking his Skrull-trained façade!" Booya swatted at her face. "Ouch! Why you treacherous agent of Skrull imperialism…"

"Lum, put the frickin' cat down," Inu-Yasha growled.

Lum blinked, and released Booya. "Darling—did you just—side with—Kagome?"

"Yes," said Inu-Yasha.

"But—I was just standing up to the Skrull menace…" began Lum nervously. "I—it was because I love you…"

"I don't care," replied the half-demon.

Lum stared at him for a moment, her jaw hanging slackly in astonishment. She then shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and stood up, slamming her hands on the table. "Well, FINE! If that's how you're going to be, I'm leaving! And I'm not coming back! And when the Skrull enslave you, then you can come crying to me!" She pointed at Kagome. "Especially you, you darling-stealer! You can come on your hands and knees, and hope I'll save you, but I won't! I'll just laugh! Like this! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She shook her head. "Man, that will be great." Then, with a spin of her heels, she stormed out of the kitchen. As she left, she glared briefly at Booya. "Don't think you're off the hook. I'm on to you, pal."

Kagome's mother coughed gently after she was certain the Oni was out of earshot. "Well, she's certainly—spirited."

"That's one way of puttin' it," muttered Inu-Yasha grimly.

* * *

"Now, son," began Toshiro Gosunkugi, glancing around the room awkwardly. 

Hikaru stared at him for a moment. "Yes—Dad."

"Hikaru—my son—the time has come—" Toshiro coughed nervously, and looked up at the ceiling, before beginning again. "Hikaru—your mother and I have noticed some—changes in your lifestyle." He bit his lip, and then stared at his feet. "For example—well, like—"

"You have friends," noted Meiko Gosunkugi bluntly.

"—Which is a good thing," appended Toshiro hastily. "A very good thing. In some ways. However, the sheer—amount of changes in your lifestyle causes us to wonder if you have had—certain other changes. Now—Hikaru—at your age, change is normal. But sometimes—some changes indicate—things." Toshiro looked his son in the eyes, desperation obvious on his face. "You do get what I mean, don't you?"

Hikaru blinked. "I believe so, and trust me—there's no need to talk to me about puberty. I've experienced its deforming touch."

Toshiro stared at his son quietly for a moment, then glanced at his chuckling wife. "This isn't funny, Meiko."

Meiko snorted. "You're right—it's actually hilarious."

Toshiro's eyes narrowed. "You know, you're the one who wanted to have this talk…"

"Yeah, yeah…" said Meiko in forced repentance.

"I would have been just as happy not to have this talk."

"I know, I know."

"In fact, if you're going to act like this, I'll just leave, and we won't have the talk."

"No, no—I'm cool."

"So can we get back to it?"

"Go ahead. No one's stopping you."

The couple suddenly winced at the sound of a rap on the table. They glanced up at their son, who nervously glanced at his hand, which was resting uneasily atop the tabletop. "Flies," said Hikaru apologetically.

Toshiro coughed, then looked earnestly at his son. "Now, Hikaru—are—have you ever—do you—"

Meiko groaned to herself, then turned to Hikaru. "Yo, son. Are you downing any reds?"

Hikaru blinked. "Say what?"

"Doing any snow? Horse? Weed? Crystal? Bennies? Downers? Acid? Angel Dust? Anything like that at all?"

Hikaru's hand slapped several times against the table. "Boy, lot of pesky insects around, aren't there?"

Meiko frowned. "Not really. Now, answer the question?"

Hikaru laughed nervously. "Ahh, yes. The question. The important question." He coughed. "Could I—get a translation? A version of it that makes sense?"

"Are you doing drugs?" said Meiko bluntly.

"No," answered Hikaru with a reassured nod.

"Because if you are, we don't necessarily look down on that," she finished.

"What?" said Hikaru blankly, his clenched fist nervously slamming into the table.

"I think what your mother's trying to say is that she and I feel that certain substances declared dangerous by the government have legitimate recreational uses," explained Toshiro.

"Damn straight," agreed Meiko.

"And as long as you use them responsibly and in moderation, we have nothing against you using those substances," continued Toshiro.

"Also, make sure you're dealing with reputable dealers," added Meiko. "Some of these guys are rip-off artists, and others are just animals."

Hikaru nodded, nervously, rubbing his hand. "It's—nice to know you're concerned." He began to knock on the table again.

Meiko pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. "Actually, I've got a list of ones you can trust with me…"

Hikaru began to inch his chair away. "I'm really not interested." He smiled broadly. "Thanks for the offer." He swatted the table.

"You sure?" his mother asked. "Because I can assure you these are men and women you can trust. Actually, some might be willing to give you a discount if you mention my name…"

Hikaru's rapping took on a frantic edge. "I'm still going to pass, mom."

"I think we should respect Hikaru's wishes on this one," said Toshiro quietly.

Meiko frowned. "But Toshiro! You know I don't want my baby burning out his soul and endangering his health with unsafe, inferior products!"

Toshiro took a deep breath. "I knew this was going to wind up like this…"

"Oh, like your 'touchy-feely' approach was getting us anywhere." Meiko glared at her husband. "We could have been talking for the next seven years the rate you were going."

"Hikaru!" said Nadia, rushing in. "Miroku's in trouble! We have to save him!"

Hikaru stood up triumphantly. "YES!" he shouted. His parents stopped squabbling, and turned to look at him. He fidgeted slightly. "We should go do that. Right now." He coughed, then looked at his parents. "Umm, thank you for—the talk. It's very—comforting to know you're worried about me. I assure you I'm doing—just fine, and definitely don't have a drug problem." He darted out of the room. "Bye."

His parents were silent for a moment. Finally, Toshiro turned to his wife. "You know, on the whole, that went a lot better than I thought it would," he stated firmly.

"Oh, definitely."

* * *

"Ahh, that was brilliant," said Hikaru as they headed outside. "I so often fail to appreciate the usefulness of Miroku! He lives in my house, and is a member of my quote-unquote 'Manga Club', and hence he's my responsibility! So it makes sense if every now and then I help him! It's simple logic!" 

Nadia nodded. "Glad you think of it that way. Now let's go get him."

Hikaru stopped. "What?"

Nadia continued to walk. "He's in jail. Ethics charge. He needs us to post bail."

"What?" Hikaru shoved his hands angrily in his pockets. "ARRGH! That no-good, shifty, worthless, philandering, conniving letch! I ought to let him rot, the squamous, repulsive—"

"What happened to your responsibility?" said Nadia in cloying tones.

"Fine, we'll pull his bacon out of the fire, but this is the last time!" said Hikaru bitterly, catching up with her. "I mean, I'm not a charitable organization. I'm a superhero!"

"And not a particularly pleasant one," noted Nadia.

"Precisely."

* * *

Ran nodded as the door opened. "Hey, Mad Dog. Glad to see you've returned. Captain Oni left a while back, and since I didn't want to leave without you and Lord Rei knowing where I was, I've been spending my time compiling a list of all the things I've fished out of her trash…" 

"It's not Mad Dog," came a familiar voice.

Ran turned, and glanced at the old man. "Oh. It's you." She looked at Tiger Shark and the Eel. "And you've brought the rest of the fish gang."

The old man moved forward confidently. "You should be more polite to your employees."

Ran snorted. "I'll file that with all the other advice I plan to ignore."

The old man raised his cane. "That's not very wise. Especially considering that we outnumber you three to one."

"Why you insolent—" Ran blinked. Somehow, while she'd been distracted, Tiger Shark and the Eel had grabbed her arms. "What's going on here?"

"Simply a little discussion," noted the old man quietly. "My associates and I are getting—rather impatient with you. We're starting to wonder if you ever have any plans to actually attack our mutual enemies, instead of just talking about it."

Ran frowned. "Hey! Vengeance is hard! To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy, and to know your enemy you must first move across the street from them, then move in with them, then steal their clothes—"

The old man leaned forward menacingly. "You know, we're starting to think you have no intention to actually attack Captain Oni."

"What?" shouted Ran. "How dare you! I'd kill her right now to prove you wrong, if she wasn't gone."

The old man smiled. "Actually, we have a plan to deal with that… problem."

Tiger Shark and the Eel let her go. Ran glared at the old man. "You seem to have a lot of faith in my keeping my temper."

He chuckled. "Well, I know you're smart enough to realize we should stay on the same side. We're all hunters here, and when two packs of hunters go after the same herd, they usually wind up wasting time fighting each other and lose the prey." He leaned against the wall. "But when the predators stay united, they can attack with all their strength, from all sides, inspiring panic in the quarry. That way—they all get what they want." He swiveled suddenly as the door opened, Tiger Shark and the Eel taking his hint, and rushing to the side of the people entering.

Mad Dog stood there, Rei by his side, staring in mild shock as Tiger Shark and the Eel glowered at him. "Umm—well, I found Rei, Ms. Blackout. He was at a pizza parl…"

Ran looked at him contemptuously. "There's been a change of plan, Mad Dog. We're attacking now. The captain will explain it to you."

Mad Dog gulped and nodded. "Well—glad that's cleared up…"

* * *

Kagome glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You know, we should probably get her. It's been nearly an hour." 

Inu-Yasha snorted. "Let her cool off. By tomorrow she'll be back, pretendin' like the whole thing never happened."

"Yeah, I know, but till then she'll be doing something stupid," Kagome sighed. "To tell you the truth, I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her. She's got real issues…"

"Ah, boo hoo," muttered Inu-Yasha.

"I'm not kidding, Inu-Yasha," said Kagome. "She actually thinks she's in love with you, and all sorts of stuff. I mean, we're like the only thing she's got to hang onto, and we keep pushing her away."

Inu-Yasha stared at her for a moment. "You been watchin' those talk shows again, ain't ya?"

Kagome crossed her arms. "A superhero must be able to understand both the battlefield and the mindfield."

Inu-Yasha snarled. "Right. Fine. We'll go look for the flake." He stood up.

Kagome glanced at him, surprised. "Well, I didn't mean right now!" She settled down on the sofa. "After the next few shows. Maybe."

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Sounds reasonable."

There was a knock on the door. "Sota!" yelled Kagome. "Could you get the door?"

"Why can't you?" yelled back her little brother.

"I'm watching something!"

"Oh! So your butt's glued to the sofa, or something?"

Kagome scowled. "Mom! Sota's being rude to me!"

"Sota!" came Mrs. Higurashi's voice from the kitchen. "Apologize to your sister! And get the door while you're at it!"

Shortly thereafter, the mumbling, sour-faced form of Sota crossed through the room, and went to the doorway. A moment later, he shouted, "Hey, Kagome! It's your friend, Hojo! He wants to know if he can come in!"

"Mom! Can Hojo come in?"

"Certainly!" Her mother's head emerged from the kitchen doorway, and fixed Kagome with a fond parental gaze. "You know I have nothing against you seeing boys." She laughed fondly. "Boys, Kagome. You should see boys."

Kagome chuckled lightly. "Gosh, mom, I almost think you're afraid I'll marry Lum, or something!"

Mrs. Higurashi's face froze for a moment. Then she covered her ears, and began to sing "La, la, la, la, la," as loudly as possible.

"Yeah, Sota, it's fine!" shouted Kagome. She glanced back at Inu-Yasha. "So—where do you think we should look?"

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Look? For what?"

"Lum!"

"Oh, right." He nodded. "Her." He thought it over. "Could check the bakeries."

"What?"

"Well, girls eat things when they're depressed…" said Inu-Yasha casually.

Kagome glowered at him. "Says who?"

"Well—you know—people," said Inu-Yasha, a desperate note coming into his voice.

Kagome's eyes narrowed.

"You do know… people, right?" muttered Inu-Yasha softly.

"Ahh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything," came Hojo's voice.

"Not rea—" Kagome blinked. "Umm, Hojo—"

He sighed. "Is this because I'm now covered in fur, like some unholy animal, with fangs and claws to match?"

Kagome nodded slowly. "That and…the guys in costume coming in with you… And the fact that you're carrying Sota by the throat."

Hojo nodded. "Oh, right. Well—to put it simply—I've gone into supervillainy, and my associates and I are going to take you and your family hostage." He coughed politely. "I have to say I'm terribly sorry for the personal inconvenience to you, and hope you'll forgive me for it."

In the corner, a tiny pair of eyes narrowed, then turned away, unnoticed.

* * *

"—And I just can't believe those nice young women were vice cops," said Miroku, shaking his head in wonder. 

Nadia rolled her eyes. "That's the point, Miroku. You're not supposed to."

"Hey, now, Hey now, Iko-iko an dey, Chakko mo fino, ah-nah-ney, Chakko mo fi-nah-ney!" came the man singing at the karaoke stage.

Hikaru raised his hand. "Waitress! In the name of all that's holy, bring me some more coffee! I need something to distract me from the horrible conversation, and the horrible, horrible singing."

Haruka stared at him. "Would me pouring this hot coffee on your lap count, Mr. Bossy Boots?"

"Actually, I think even that would count as an improvement," said Hikaru grimly.

The waitress gingerly set the cup before him. "You scare me sometimes," she stated honestly.

"That's only the initial impression," Hikaru noted as she backed away. "When you really get to know me, you'll be terrified."

Miroku sighed as he glanced at him. "You know, Hikaru, sometimes I get the impression that you don't respect me very much."

"That's nonsense," said Hikaru, idly sipping his coffee, while glaring at the karoake stage. "I consider you a very good dead weight on my shoulders."

There was a silence for a moment. Finally, Nadia coughed. "You know, you could at least try to cover up your Freudian slip there."

"What makes this worse is, I'm a Zevon fan," muttered Hikaru under his breath, before turning to Nadia. "I'm sorry, what did you just say? I was paying attention to the horrible, horrible singing."

Nadia glared at him. "You pick at your scabs, don't you?"

"I try to avoid it," said Hikaru guiltily, "but they're so—scabby." He shuddered to himself.

A tiny white cat with a flaming tail leapt through the café's door.

Nadia blinked. "Hikaru?"

"Yes," said Hikaru, sipping his coffee.

"A tiny white cat with a flaming tail just leapt through the café's door," she said slowly.

Hikaru stared at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

"It just seems likely that you and I are connected to this event," she noted.

"But is it certain?" he queried. "Tokyo's a big city. Lot's of crazy crap happens here. We aren't connected to all of it. Two weeks ago, we had a freak electric storm which some people claim was a struggle between storm gods. No connection with us. It doesn't stand to follow that the cat has one."

The cat leapt onto their table.

Nadia glanced at him. "You know, you should feel lucky you're not a betting man."

Hikaru frowned. "I blame the bad karaoke."

"Why it's Kilala!" said Miroku fondly.

"Ehh?" said a puzzled Hikaru and Nadia simultaneously.

"She's a little demon cat we found back when we had our adventures in the Warring States period," explained Miroku. "Kagome's been keeping her as a pet…"

"Oh, God, do I have to listen to this?" moaned Hikaru. "I've made it clear time and time again that the less I hear about your needlessly Byzantine pasts, the happier I am. Is it just not sinking in?"

"Well, she's certainly the cutest thing," said Nadia cheerfully. She began to tickle the cat's head. "Ah-gootchie-gootchie-goo!"

Kilala glanced up and mewed. Miroku gasped and turned to Hikaru. "Oh no! She says Inu-Yasha and Kagome are in trouble!" He looked at Nadia. "Also, she wants you to stop that."

Nadia nodded nervously. "Okay."

Hikaru blinked. "You can—talk to cats now?"

Miroku nodded. "If they're demon cats, yes."

Hikaru stared at him for a moment, then stood up. "Just—excuse me, for a moment…" he noted with eerie calm. He stepped away from the booth, and began to scream. "ARRRGH! WHEN WILL THE MADNESS ENNNND!" He fell to the floor and rolled into a ball. "This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted to be a normal boy, with normal friends, and normal hobbies—not to dwell in this infernal nightmare realm of eternal aberration! It has to stop! IT HAS TO STOP!" He began to giggle nervously. "Wait, I know! This is all in my mind! My horrible, horrible mind! I've gone completely insane. In another hour, I'll snap out of this, and I'll be in a mental hospital, filled with friendly, understanding, _rational_ doctors who will reveal this all stems from that time I saw my parents engaging in the physical act of love whilst I was a small lad. That's all. My ego is tangled up with my anima, and they're both causing me to have a negative stimulus response. It can all be explained."

Nadia glanced at Miroku. "Our fearless leader."

"This is still better than the time you took the last coffee pop," noted Miroku.

Hikaru slowly rose, gripping the table tightly. "I'm okay now. Just had to get it out of my system…" He glanced at Miroku, his eye twitching. "Now—what does the demon cat tell you to do?"

"Well, Kilala is suggesting we go help Kagome," explained Miroku.

"Umm, guys, I'm going to have to ask that you leave the restaurant," said the waitress.

"What? Did I break store policy by having a freak-out in the middle of the store?" asked Hikaru darkly.

"Oh, no, that's fine," she answered. "If we threw people out for that we'd lose the vast profits we make from the homeless." She gestured over to a corner.

"MEGA-JESUS MAN WILL BURN YOU ALL WITH HIS ULTRA POWERS!" shouted a disheveled man sitting in a booth. "DO NOT DOUBT THE MIGHT OF MEGA-JESUS MAN!"

Hikaru blinked. "I don't know how I missed that guy."

"Well, he mostly sits in the corner and gibbers about the Illumanti so you usually wind up tuning him out," explained Haruka. "No, our problem is the cat. No pets allowed."

Hikaru nodded. "Naturally. I can see that. Please allow us to leave, in a calm, orderly fashion." He glanced at his companions. "Well, chop chop, people. Calm and orderly now." As they filed out the door, he glanced at the waitress. "You didn't find the—flaming tail odd, did you?"

"No odder then that Asagi kid and her pet turtle," she replied. She pointed out the window. "Oh, look! There they are now."

As Hikaru watched, a giant turtle streaked across the sky, flame pouring out of the back end of its shell. A young girl sat on its head. "Hurry, Gamera! There's been a Gyaos infestation in Hokkaido! We must go there, for the sake of the world's children!"

Hikaru blinked. "I don't know how I can go on missing things like that." He shrugged, then headed out the door, following Nadia, Miroku and Kilala down an alleyway. "So," he began, "this trouble—is it superheroic in nature, or—"

Kilala mewed. Miroku nodded earnestly then glanced at Hikaru. "She figures it is, yes."

Hikaru stared ahead bleakly, then began to massage his temples. "Right. Well, I'll just teleport my costume on, and then we can begin to tackle the latest threat to our lives and well-being…

"Teleport your costume…?" began Nadia nervously.

"Yes. It's a new trick I'm working on. It'll save us the hassle of having to trek back and forth over the city, gathering our various accoutrements," noted Hikaru as he began to gesture theatrically.

"Hikaru, I was under the impression you really hadn't gotten teleportation down yet," said Nadia levelly.

"While I'm still working out a few kinks in the process, I am progressing in leaps and bounds," said Hikaru frostily, as blue light engulfed him. "Behold my eldritch power!" His form vanished in the blue nimbus momentarily, reappearing wearing the costume of Dr. Strange, his Cloak of Levitation encircling his shoulders. Hikaru crossed his arms in satisfaction. "There, see!"

Miroku coughed politely. "Umm—Hikaru—your pants…"

"What the—?" Hikaru glanced down and realized he was presently one pair of black silk boxer shorts away from going au naturale. "Oh, son of a—" he began as he started his mystic preparations once again.

"You know, I always figured you for a brief man myself," said Nadia.

"Yes, that's me," muttered Hikaru. "Full of surprises."

* * *

"So… Hojo…" began Kagome nervously. 

"Yes, Kagome," said the furry young man eagerly. "Is something wrong? Are the ropes around your arms chafing you?"

"Umm, a little… could you maybe untie them?" Kagome smiled at him hopefully.

"I'm sorry, terribly sorry" he replied sincerely, "but Miss Blackout explained this to me. We even practiced it. No, I won't untie you." He glanced over at the girl with pink hair who was glaring at Kagome's house. "Hey, did you see that, Miss Blackout? I didn't untie her."

"That's great, Mad Dog," she replied flatly. "I'm happy for you."

"Mad Dog?" said Kagome nervously.

Hojo bashfully lowered his head. "That's what they call me now. I'm a hardened supervillain, you see. I figured it was the best way to impress you."

Kagome nodded, slowly. "I see… Well, I'm flattered, an' all, but really Hojo—"

"Kagome," said Inu-Yasha his voice tired. "Stop talkin' to him. It's only encouragement."

Kagome blinked. "What does that mean?"

"Well, if you keep talkin' to him he's gonna think this crazy plan he's launched is workin'," noted Inu-Yasha.

"Inu-Yasha!" shouted Kagome. "You don't know that he came up with this scheme!"

"That's right!" said Hojo. "Actually, it's Ms. Blackout's scheme. I just showed her where you live."

Inu-Yasha glared at him. "Gee. Wasn't that big of you?"

"Well, I really am sorry for any problems I've caused Kagome," noted Hojo, "but really, this is all your fault. If you hadn't stolen her heart, I would never have decided to undergo lengthy, painful genetic manipulations to turn me into something more like you!" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Of course, I'm kind of irritated that you're—well normal now."

Inu-Yasha glared at him. "Trust me. It won't last. I'll get better again, an' kick yer ass."

Hojo frowned. "I'd like it very much if you'd watch your language. There are ladies present."

"Gee, yer right," noted Inu-Yasha icily. "The ones ya tied up, and are now threatening. How rude a me! How dare I ruin yer hostage situation!"

Hojo nodded. "Well, that's more like it. I accept your apology."

Kagome was looking at Hojo, troubled. "Ummm—when you said you—did this to yourself—because Inu-Yasha—stole my heart…?"

Hojo sighed painfully. "Oh, Kagome, you don't have to try and deny it. I saw you and he talking, when I was about to deliver a pair of sanatorium tickets to you, and I realized immediately that my hopes were futile."

"Hopes?" said Kagome, her voice somewhat confused.

"Well—Kagome, you know I have feelings for you. I mean, how else could you explain all my gifts of corrective shoes, skin balm and throat lozenges?"

"Concern for my illness?" suggested Kagome.

"Are you that blind?" declared Hojo. "Couldn't you see them for what they were—the declaration of my desire to care for you, just as my father cares for my mother? To protect you, in your moment of weakness."

"Umm, well, sorry, I guess…" began Kagome.

"Yes," continued Hojo, oblivious, "to make certain that nothing bad happens to you. To cater to your every need. To make certain you never have to leave the house, or risk your delicate health in any way. To have me take care of you, and take your temperature, and massage your feet, and make sure the chains on your door on secure…"

Kagome blinked. "Ahh. Uh-huh. Yeah… Urrr… I see…"

Mrs. Higurashi coughed. "You know, Hojo, I think your father might have—"

"My father is A GOOD MAN!" shouted the mutated boy. "He only punishes me with the hose because I fail him! He's right to do that! Right!" Hojo began to slap himself. "Obey your father! Obey your father! Obey your father!" He shook his head. "Well, anyway, the big point is, Kagome, that I've subjected myself to hideous experiments to make myself into the kind of guy you apparently prefer. Which is actually how I met Ms. Tiger Shark, who sort of helped me discover the world of supervillainy." He sighed. "I have to admit, it's not working out like I thought it would. Oh, the beatings and the torture are fun, but I find it so dreadfully untidy."

Mrs. Higurashi glanced at her daughter. "You know, Kagome, I'm going to have to suggest that you not invite Hojo in anymore."

Kagome nodded. "Way ahead of you, Mom."

Tiger Shark glanced at her associate. "You know, Mad Dog, I don't see why you're letting yourself be yanked around by cajones by this frail. She doesn't seem to be anything particularly special…"

"Watch your language, dear," said the old man, twirling his cane.

"Sorry, Dad," noted the villainess.

The old man glanced at Kagome's grandfather. "Children these days. You know what I mean?"

"Oh, yes," agreed her grandfather. "Why the stories I could tell you about that girl…"

Kagome glanced at him. "Grampa! No telling embarrassing stories to the people holding us hostage!"

"You see!" he shouted. "Always with the contrariness!"

"Right, Grampa," said Kagome, rolling her eyes. She really hoped help was on its way. This whole situation was getting really embarrassing.

* * *

Lum sat on top of the Tokyo Tower, mumbling to herself. "I bet they're sorry now. Yep. I bet right now they're all thinking 'Oh, no! Where is Lum?' and Darling's all 'Waaa! I should never been so cruel to Lum!' and Kagome's all 'Oh, Lum, please come back! I need your friendship to elevate my dreary, unworthy life!' And Dr. Strange will be all 'Oh, Lum, I have to admit it—your incredible charm and wisdom make me realize my own inadequacy. I'm stepping down and putting you in charge!' Teeheeheehee-tcha!" 

"Like hell I will," came a familiar high-pitched voice crackling with slow-burning anger. Lum turned to see Dr. Strange hovering near her.

"Oh. Doctor Strange," said Lum. "Nice to see you. Have you been there long?"

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "Long enough. Now, come with me. We're having trouble, and it looks like we might need your help."

Lum glared at him. "No. You people don't appreciate the glory that is me, and so, you can try to operate without you for awhile."

Hikaru sighed. "Fine. Force me to unleash my devious back-up plan." He turned down. "Nadia! Could you please come up here? I need your help convincing Lum."

"Oh!" came the voice of the amphibious girl. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," said Hikaru. "I've already tried everything in my admittedly limited social arsenal, and it hasn't worked."

There was a muffled exclamation, and then Nadia fluttered up. "Lum," began Nadia slowly, "I know we can be hard on you occasionally…"

"I'll say!" chirped Lum. "All I want you to do is acknowledge my clear and obvious superiority, and you won't do that."

Nadia stared at the Oni numbly, then shut her eyes. "Deep, cleansing breaths," she muttered quietly, following it by inhaling. "Deep, cleansing breaths."

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! Your cheeks puff out all funny when you do that!" giggled Lum.

Nadia's eyes opened, then narrowed. Within seconds she was attempting to dive forward as Hikaru restrained her. "Let me kill her! Please!" screamed Nadia. "It would be quick! And painless! I wouldn't feel anything!"

"No, Nadia!" said Hikaru. "It's not worth it! We need her help! Plus, we'd have to clean up all the blood and damage! Can you imagine how irritating that would be?"

Nadia stared at him bleakly. "Dear Neptune—there's no stopping her, is there?"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "As I've said before Nadia, there some evils we cannot overcome."

"Hey, look!" said Lum. "That vending machine down there's selling panties! That's weird, eh? Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru winced. "No matter how badly we want to."

"She has surprisingly good eyesight," noted Nadia.

Lum laughed. "Of course I do! We Oni are naturally better than everyone! So naturally better, that we had a few of our enslaved biotechnists come up with enhanced senses for us, under pain of death!" She grinned at Nadia. "Just further proof of the universe's undeniable tendency to have things go our way."

Nadia stared forward bleakly for a moment, then sat down glumly on one of the tower's pillars. "Life really sucks sometimes, you know that?"

"Gee, no," muttered Hikaru sarcastically. "Sixteen years with this face, and I still hadn't realized that until you told me." He settled down next to her. "So tell me you have an idea."

"This isn't my style, Hikaru!" said Nadia. "I can't handle swallowing my righteous indignation. Just like you can't control your temper."

Hikaru's hand slapped his forehead in feigned amazement. "Remarkable! Your grasp of the situation is uncanny!"

Nadia clenched a fist. "Righteous indignation, Hikaru. Righteous indignation."

"I'll shut up," said Hikaru.

Nadia lowered her hand, and sighed. "You know, what we need—someone with the morals of a carp."

"Say what?"

"You know—one who completely lacks the moral fiber to feel any outrage," said Nadia quietly. "One who is adept at bowing before the whims of the powerful. A person who is completely at ease at appearing to cave in before others."

Hikaru began to glance down below. "Where's…?"

"At the panties vending machine," answered Nadia.

"I just love it when a plan comes together," said Hikaru. He stepped off the tower.

Down below, Miroku was sorting through his change. "Let's see—I'm 500 yen short…" He glanced across the street, at a blind man playing an accordion, a hat filled with coins before him.

"Miau," said Kilala.

"Oh, what would you know about what I'm going through? You're a cat and a girl on top of that!" said Miroku. He looked over at the blind man's money again.

"Please tell me you're not considering what I think you're considering," said Hikaru quietly.

Miroku looked nervously over his shoulder, and then mustered his best appearance of moral outrage. "Of course not! I do have some scruples!" He coughed politely. "I was merely filled with concern at him unfortunate plight."

Hikaru smiled slightly and patted his associate on the shoulder. "And that's just the sort of expertise in sleazy double-talk I need right now."

Miroku stared at him in surprise. "So you're not angry?"

"Appalled and disgusted, but not angry," confirmed Hikaru.

"Well, that's a load off my mind," noted the monk.

"Now, brace yourself," said Hikaru, spreading his hands, "levitation is exceedingly hard on the stomach."

Miroku blinked. "Couldn't you come up with a more—gentle method of transportation…"

"Yes, but I really don't see any reason to use one," said Hikaru.

Five seconds later, Miroku was clutching an iron pillar, trembling in absolute terror, and making certain that all of his bodily functions were still working. "Hey! Miroku's here!" came a familiar voice. Lum patted him forcefully on the back. "Great to see you, you old—whatever term of familiarity they bandy about when talking about individuals such as yourself!"

Miroku glanced over at the cheerfully oblivious Oni. "It's—good—to see you—as well—Lum…"

Lum slapped him on the back once. "So how are you?"

Miroku tried to keep his stomach contents his stomach contents. "Just—fine…"

"Well, that's good," said Lum with a nod. "Fine is a fine way to be." She was silent for a moment, then glanced at Miroku pointedly. "Ask me how I am."

"H-h-how-how…" began Miroku shutting his eyes, and trying to increase his grip.

"Well, I'm just terrific," said Lum. "Except for being slandered and betrayed by my Darling and that minx Kagome! That makes me so… mad!" The Oni stomped her foot on the tower's beam, which trembled slightly. "Oh, I wish something terrible would happen to them! That would show them!"

"W-well," said Miroku, "then today is your lucky day—something terrible is happening to them."

"What!" yelled Lum. "Something terrible happened to them! How terrible!"

Miroku blinked in surprise. "B-but you just said…"

Lum grabbed him by the robe, ripping him off the pillar, and stared at him pleadingly. "I know I said I wanted something terrible to happen to them, but when I said it I didn't think something terrible was going to them!" She yanked him forward and looked desperately in the eye. "Quick! What is the terrible thing that has happened? Details! I need details!"

"In the name of all that is holy, do not let me go!" screamed Miroku at the top of his voice.

Lum blinked. "What's wrong? The sizable height at which we are at would allow you ample time to use your power of flight if I were to release you."

"I… can't… fly, Lum," said Miroku, trying to keep his voice level.

Lum slapped her hand to her forehead. "Oh, that's right, you can't! Gosh, I'm such a ditz sometimes! Teeheeheeheeheehee-tcha! I'd fawget my widdle head if wawn't scwewed on tight, yes, I would!"

Miroku shut his eyes. "Lum, allow me to reiterate—do not let go of me. At least not with both hands simultaneously"

"Hey!" came a voice from below. "Would you people be quiet up there? I'm trying to brood here, and you're ruining it!"

The pair looked down to see an effeminate-looking young man in a grey school uniform glaring up at them. "Sorry," offered Miroku apologetically.

"I tell you, this spot used to be the finest brooding location in Tokyo, but these days, it's crowded with wannabes. Just the other day that Puni Puni Poemi brat was here lousing it up," continued the young man, angrily. "Can't you people leaving brooding to the experts? To individuals with dark destinies which will see the slaughter of friends, the death of old loves, and the potential death of the world?" He glared at them some more, then stalked off. "Well, screw this. I'm getting a fruit smoothie, and brooding at the mall. If Fuuma wants to settle our dark eternal rivalry, he can do it there…"

Miroku coughed. "Well—that was odd…"

Lum shrugged. "Ehh, that guy's been whining at me for hours now. It seems to be his hobby. Like Dr. Strange, only less amusing. I just tune it out, like I tune out everything that is clearly beneath my godlike interest."

Miroku shuddered. "Lum, I think the fabric's giving way. Could you PLEASE maybe float off of this tower, so we can talk from the safety of the ground?"

"Sure, sure," said Lum distractedly. "Now—what are the details of this terrible thing that is happening to Darling and Kagome?"

Miroku looked at Hikaru and Nadia beseechingly. "Guys…?"

"You're doing fine," answered Hikaru calmly. He glanced back at Nadia. "So like I was saying, if you don't like _Confessions of a Mask_, you don't really like Mishima…"

"Hey, I like _The Sound of Waves_," said Nadia.

"Oh, anybody can like that one!" he snapped. "To really appreciate Mishima you have to be willing to stick by him when things get ugly! When he tears off the comforting façade of existence to show us the darkness that lies in humanity's heart!"

Miroku looked back at Lum, and took a deep breath. "Well, you see, as Kilala tells it…"

* * *

"I really hate being tied up," sniffled Sota. 

"There, there honey," said Mrs. Higurashi. "You're supposed to." She smiled at him. "Tell you what—after this is over, how about a big bowl of ice cream?"

"Yay!" said Sota. "Ice cream!"

"Hey, what about me?" asked Kagome's grandfather. "Doesn't your old man deserve some ice cream?"

"Sure!" said Mrs. Higurashi. "Ice cream for everybody!"

"Can I have some to, Mrs. Higurashi?" asked Hojo.

"No," she answered. "When I said everybody, I didn't mean you."

"Mom, would you guys stop acting so goofy?" whined Kagome. "It's kinda humiliating."

"Now, Kagome," said her mother. "a true superhero supports his or her family in times of trouble."

Tiger Shark looked at her father. "Is there a reason we aren't torturing these people yet?"

"It's bad form," replied the old man.

"My back hurts!" announced Kagome's grandfather. "Also, I'm bored!"

"Not that I am not sorely tempted," noted Tiger Shark's father.

"Maybe we can torture just one," suggested the Eel. "You know, as a demonstration."

"Hmmm," muttered the old man, rubbing his chin. "That's an idea with some merit. We could even get the Princess's location from them. I think we should check with the lady to see if she supports it." He glanced at Blackout. "Say Miss…"

"Why are you bothering me?" announced Ran.

"We were considering torturing one of the prisoners," he stated.

"Ah. Well, I don't care, so just knock yourselves out."

"Yes!" said the Eel, charging up his suit. "I call the old man!"

"Hey, me first!" shouted Tiger Shark, advancing.

"No, no, me!" said Hojo.

"Can I play?" came a quiet voice next to the furry supervillain.

"Well, sure—" began Mad Dog, glancing to the side.

"Thanks," said Dr. Strange. "Considerate of you."

Hojo leapt back, surprised. "How—how—"

"I'm magic," replied Hikaru calmly. "I radiate moonbeams, and mystical shadows. This sort of thing's my specialty." He raised his hand. "And since you said I can play with you guys, I'll start things."

The ropes restraining Kagome and her family untangled and slithered into the corner. "Kagome!" said her mother. "Why didn't you do that?"

"Because I couldn't," said Kagome quietly.

"Well, that's a poor excuse!" shouted her grandfather.

Tiger Shark glared at Hikaru. "Well, skinny, you may have gotten in a little razzle dazzle, but that's never won a fight."

Hikaru shrugged. "Maybe, but having allies who can punch through solid steel does, I've found."

At that moment, Nadia and Lum touched down nimbly on the ground before Hikaru, their arms raised. "Hey, everybody! I'm back!" said Lum cheerfully. "I know I don't have to ask if you missed me!" She grinned at Inu-Yasha. "Because you did!"

"Like the freakin' plague," said Inu-Yasha sullenly.

"Oh, that's so sweet!" she cooed.

Hikaru glanced confidently at the supervillains. "Also, I'm not skinny—I'm lithe."

Nadia glanced at him, and then snorted despite herself. "Yeah, right."

Hikaru glared at her. "Hey, I'll have you know I have muscles like steel wires."

"Well, you got the 'wire' part right," noted Nadia with a grin.

"You know, Princess," announced the old man, quietly, "I'm rather surprised to see you in this condition…"

Nadia stiffened and turned to look at the old man. "What did you call me?"

The old man twirled his cane around calmly. "Princess. I called you this because you are the Princess Nadia il'Karthon, unless my eyesight is even worse than I think it is…"

With one leap, the Sub-Mariner was rushing at him. "Damn you, you are going to give me answers right now or—"

The old man raised his cane, twirling it lightly, and fired a ball of orange energy at Nadia. She bounced backwards, striking the opposite wall, and moaned slightly.

"Nadia!" shouted Hikaru, rushing to her side. "Are you—do you feel all right?"  
"M'fine," muttered Nadia groggily, shaking her head. "Jus' a little dizzy…"

"Please don't make me use that again," said the old man lightly. "I'd probably do it at full power, and I have it on good authority that would kill you."

Hikaru glared at him. "Okay, you're radiating the 'evil genius' in this equation, so you tell me who you are, and why you and your minions have made the horrible mistake of attacking my friends…"

The old man smiled. "You seem to be mistaking me for the barker of this little sideshow. I'm not. But to answer your question, I generally call myself these days Captain Omen, and as for the motives, some of us are pursuing revenge, but as for my little gang, we're pretty much mercenaries, with varying degrees of fanaticism for other causes backing our careers."

"Hey, I'm only in this for the money!" said the Eel. "I'm not the Imperial Japan fanatic you two are!"

"Hey, don't lump me in with him!" said Tiger Shark. "I'm only following his lead because I'm his daughter!"

"I can see the family resemblance," said Hikaru staring at the mutated villainess.

"Oh, she's into that silly genetic modification," said Captain Omen with an air of forbearance. "Still, it could be worse. She could be into that horrible piercing, or tattoo nonsense, like she was some cheap yakuza flunky…"

"You're a lucky man," said Hikaru dryly.

"Could be worse," said Captain Omen with a casual shrug.

"So if you're not the leader, who is?" noted Hikaru raising his hand."

"That'd be us," came a voice from the shadows. A form emerged from the darkness, and waved above, as a signal. A handsome male Oni landed before it. "Rei the Flying Tiger, and the force of living darkness called…"

"RAN!" cried Lum joyously. She rushed forward, and punch the pink-haired alien lightly in the arm. "Good to see you, old chum! I don't believe it! You came all this way to see me! And you brought a crack team of insane monsters for me to fight!" She sniffled. "You're such a true friend. This is even better then the time you sent me that insane brotherhood of criminal assassins!" She blinked. "And you brought Rei. Less great, but your call."

Ran rubbed her arm and glared at Lum. "Gee, thanks."

Nadia glanced at Captain Oni. "You know these two?"

Lum put her arm affectionately over Ran, who squirmed away. "Know 'em! Ran and I grew up together!" She looked at Rei, her expression slightly displeased. "And Rei was my idiot fiancé."

"Fiancé!" shouted Inu-Yasha. "You were engaged before?"

"Uh, yeah," said Lum. "But I kind of cooled on the whole notion when I realized Rei is dumber than a bag of non-Uru rocks. So, I challenged him to an epic fleet battle, wherein I decimated his forces, and so humiliated him, that Ten exiled him to the outskirts of the Empire."

"And that—ended the engagement?" asked Kagome, curiously.

"Eh, more indefinitely postponed it," said Lum with a casual wave of her hand. She smiled brightly at Inu-Yasha. "But then, I got engaged to you, Darling, and that took care of things."

Ran glared at her. "You're—engaged—to—him?"

"Yes, and don't worry, he's usually a lot better looking…"

Ran's eyes narrowed. "Let me put this another way—you proposed to Rei, then dumped him, got him exiled, and have now left him for another man."

Lum scratched her chin. "Hmn. When you put it that way, it does sound bad." She looked over at Rei. "Sorry about depriving you of the magnificence that is myself. No hard feelings, eh?"

Rei looked at her soulfully, opened his mouth, and pointed to it.

Lum nodded. "Somehow, I imagined that was going to be your response."

Ran screamed. "Damn it, you oblivious bitch! Don't you ever give a damn about anyone else?" She took a deep breath. "Oh, wait, of course you don't. You're far too self-absorbed to ever show the least bit of concern for the people you stepped on to get whatever shiny object caught your insipid fancy at the moment."

Lum frowned. "You know, I can't help but take those statements personally."

"You were supposed to!" seethed Ran.

"Oh," said Lum. "Well, I guess that makes sense then."

"Is it right to sympathize with the bad guy?" asked Nadia _in sotto_.

"Right now, I'm considering taking her out for some coffee cake," stated Hikaru.

Nadia crossed her arms, and shook her head. "Men."

"What? I was considering a platonic get-together!" said Hikaru in tones of mild offense.

Lum looked at Ran piteously. "I really have no idea what spoiled our beautiful friendship."

"How about a lifetime of _betrayal_?" shouted Ran. "A lifetime of suffering as the result of your deeds!"

Lum blinked. "Okay, you lost me."

Ran shuddered. "Think back, Lum. Remember when we were children…"

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! Of course I wemembaw that, silly!" giggled Lum. "How could I fawget?"

* * *

"Gosh, Lum, you're so beautiful," said Ran. 

"And smart," added Benten.

"And kind, and modest," added Yuki.

"I know," giggled Lum. "I love you guys! Group hug!"

* * *

"And then we'd dance, and sing, and eat ice cream," babbled Lum energetically. "Boy, I love ice cream…" 

"That's not quite how I remember things," muttered Ran resentfully.

"Oh? And what differences does your inferior half-breed brain summon up?" said Lum with indignation.

"Do you recall the incident with Emperor Han's glass egg collection?"

Lum's eyes glazed over. "Oh, yeah…"

* * *

"Hey, gang!" said Lum merrily. "Let's go play with my grampa's egg collection!" 

"Neat!" said Benten.

"Cool!" said Yuki.

"I don't know, Lum," said Ran. "Isn't that forbidden to all but his exalted eyes?"

"Oh, Gramps won't mind! I'm his favorite! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Ran crossed her arms. "I still say it's a bad idea!"

"Aww, come on," said Lum, making puppy dog eyes at her friend. "Pwease, Wan! Pwetty, pwetty pweeeeeeaaaaassssse?"

Ran slapped her forehead in frustration. "Damn those puppy dog eyes!" She took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll go."

"Yippee!" cried Lum.

* * *

"—And then we went into the Egg room, and played, and danced, and sang, and had loads of fun!" said Lum merrily. 

Ran stared at Lum, her face full of disgust. "I believe you're leaving an important part of the story out."

"Really?" asked Lum obliviously. "What?"

* * *

The Emperor stared at Lum and her friends from his throne, in wrathful silence. Tiny bolts of electricity shout from the corners of his eyes, occasionally. At length, he spoke. "The penalty for entering the holy chamber of my egg collection is a day of agony! The penalty for destroying an egg is four days of agony! The penalty for the destruction of my entire collection is indescribable, for it is—four days of agony—plus THREE!" 

"That would be 'seven' days of agony, your magnificence," stated the shadowy figure behind the throne.

The Emperor turned. "Are you sure about that, Albrecht?"

The vizier nodded. "Quite, oh glorious one."

" 'Seven' days," stated the Emperor uncertainly, turning the phrase over to judge it. He didn't seem totally satisfied. "So then, as you four have done just that—Ran the Halfblood shall be sentenced to—seven days of agony, as she is the unimportant one who I can hurt with no fear of reprisal whatsoever." He turned. "Legato Bluesummers! Execute the Imperial will, and subject Ran to—seven days of agony!"

"With pleasure, my liege," drawled the effeminate young man clad in a white cloak, as he stepped out into the light.

"Are you certain 'seven days' is the correct phrasing?" the Emperor asked Albrecht nervously as the Imperial Executer of Penitence dragged Ran off.

"Yes, your Augustness," said the masked man, tiredly. "Quite certain."

"AAARGH! Why me!" screamed Ran. "Why is it always me?"

"Buh-bye, Wan!" said Lum adorably. "I'll bring you some cookies when this is done, 'kay?"

* * *

"Oh, yeah," said Lum, looking vaguely disturbed. "I do remember that now." She smiled brightly. "Still, it's silly to let our friendship be ruined by a single, isolated inci—" 

"It wasn't a 'single, isolated incident'," stated Ran icily.

* * *

"For Princess Lum's burning of the Imperial stamp collection, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—four days of agony!"

* * *

"For Princess Lum's destruction of the palace's good dinnerware, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—two days of agony!"

* * *

"For Princess Lum's insulting of the Imperial hairpiece, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—five days of agony!"

* * *

"For Princess Lum's drinking of the Imperial brandy, and her vomiting on the Imperial table, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—three days of agony!"

* * *

"For Princess Lum's assaulting by pie of the Ovoid emissary, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—two days of agony!"

* * *

"For Princess Lum's killing of my most holy pet, Flufferkins, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—noon days of agony!" 

"Nine days, resplendent one," muttered Albrecht.

"And then an additional nine days of agony," added the Emperor.

* * *

"For defeating the Princess Lum in the Imperial Spelling Bee, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—the Imperial Medal for Scholastic Excellence! And then, five days of agony."

* * *

Lum nodded. "All right, I acknowledge there was a disturbing trend towards your getting days of agony, but I think you're being a bit harsh in blaming me for it." 

Ran ground her teeth together. "You would." She took a deep breath. "Does the fact that I was only punished for things that you did, because I was your friend, mean anything?"

"Well, yeah, but since you were a lowly, disgusting halfblood, you probably would be dead right now if I hadn't chosen to raise you up, lying cold and still in a ditch somewhere, with nothing covering you but your own vomit and filth." Lum smiled at her. "Anyway, that's all behind us now. We can look back at our childhood follies and laugh. Teeheehee—hee…" began Lum, only to stop midchortle. She blinked. "Ummm, Ran, why have your eyes become deep pools of utter blackness from which no light can escape?"

"Aren't you forgetting something else?" seethed Ran.

"Umm—given the way your acting, I'm going to say 'yes', but I honestly have no idea what," said Lum, with growing concern in her voice.

"My exile," muttered Ran.

"Oh, that!" said Lum. "Well, Ran, I kinda thought that was because you stole that ship. And blew up those planets. And killed those people. Not that I'm denying the punishment might have been a tad harsh, but I just don't see how I was involv—"

"Because I did it to join the man I love in exile! The man you stole from me, and then casually tossed away! Rei!" screamed Ran, gesturing furiously.

"Ah," said Lum. "Actually, that explains a lot." She coughed. "Look, Ran, if he makes you happy, that's your business, but—well, I know he looks good, but—well, I don't see how he's worth, you know, committing cosmos-level crimes for. I mean, it's not like there's a lot behind the looks…"

"You speak of what you know nothing of!" shouted Ran. "My lord Rei loves me with a passion that eclipses the light of a thousand stars!"

Lum nodded. "I kind of doubt that, Ran. Rei's really not capable of that sort of commitment. In fact, he's really not capable of any sort of higher thought whatsoever. The man is the most profound imbecile I've ever met—and I've been to Planet Popup."

Ran crossed her arms peevishly. "Oh, you simply fail to understand the magni—" She darted forward and slapped Rei on the back of the head. "Rei! Get that dirt out of your mouth this very instant! You don't know where it's been!"

Mad Dog coughed. "Umm, Miss Blackout—I was wondering if the rest of us could—get on with things…"

Ran and Lum turned. Captain Omen was aiming his plasma cane at Nadia, who glared at him, her fist raised. Mad Dog and Tiger Shark were poised to attack, as Inu-Yasha and Kagome inched back. Dr. Strange was tracing mystical symbols in the air, as the Eel's suit sparked, and the Devil Slayer twirled his staff. Ran frowned. "No you may not. I'm still talking with Captan Oni. Now, if you don't mind, we're getting back to our fascinating conversation." She glanced at Lum, shaking her head. "Some people, huh?"

Lum nodded. "Oh, I know. You wouldn't believe the guff I get from my genetic inferiors here sometimes…"

Hikaru gave an exasperated sigh. "Ladies, I have to admit, this is a fascinating conversation, but frankly, I'm rather impatient, so I'm cutting it short. Ashura Daeva Malek!" A great blaze of energy leapt from his hands, rushing towards his foes.

"Hey!" shouted Ran. "No sucker punches!" She launched forth a perfectly black sphere from her hands. The shimmering bolt of energy veered toward the dark globe, vanishing utterly into its recesses. Ran frowned at Hikaru. "First time gets you a warning. Second time—you die."

"Whoa!" said Lum. "When did you learn to do that?"

Ran shrugged. "I sorta fell in with the Church of Nihilism during my exile. They admired my firm belief that the universe could benefit by subtracting a few people, and opened my eyes to the fact that it could benefit even more by ceasing to exist. I wound up on the faith's fast track, and soon was taught all the secrets of destruction, darkness and entropy."

"Cool!" said Lum cheerfully.

"I know!" laughed Ran. "I _rock_ now! I've even got a kickass nickname—Blackout!"

"Well, I'm happy you've improved your life," noted Lum admiringly.

"Yep," said Ran. "Got amazing new powers, and I'm going to kill you with them."

Lum blinked. "Okay, I am significantly less happy about that last part." She raised her fist, a flare of cosmic energy surrounding it. "So, how about I kick your butt, move on to the rest of the clowns you've gathered around you, and we call it a day, okay?"

"Go on and try," taunted Ran, her smile growing cocky.

Lum struck at her, only to have Ran effortlessly grab her fist and hold it. The aura flickered out, slowly vanishing. "Why, Captain Oni," said Ran, with a note of sickening sweetness, "are you getting senile?" She giggled. "I told you I've mastered the techniques of entropy and darkness. What you produce—I absorb." Lum's face took on a drained appearance, her skin growing pale, her cheeks hollow and gaunt. "What you possess—I take." She suddenly pitched Lum forward like an empty sack. The Oni bounced into a tree, and shuddered slightly. Ran snickered. "And what I take—I use!" She knelt, then burst into a sprint. "And so, Lum Oni, you die by your own power!"

Lum shut her eyes. "Well, at least I go out beautiful."

"I'm going to enjoy smashing your face to a pulp, and reducing your body into hamburger!" shouted Ran.

Lum groaned. "This is really an off day."

Suddenly, Ran was hurled back as if flung by an invisible hand.

Lum blinked. "Okay—that seems familiar…" She looked to the side.

Hikaru stood there, with his arm raised. "You're welcome," he said quietly.

"You know, Dr. Strange," began Lum with an awkward cough, "this is just an impression I've gotten, so I've been careful not to comment on it, because, you know, it might not help things, but I sort of—kind of thought you really didn't like me very much."

"I don't," answered Hikaru. "But I don't like a lot of people, so I have to prioritize my dislikes. I've come to consider you slightly better than her. She's a vindictive bitch. You're just an egotistical ditz."

"Well, thanks," said Lum brightly. "I'm glad my obvious superiority has been made manifest to you."

Hikaru pointed a finger on which a bluish flame danced at Lum. "Don't push your luck."

Ran got herself up, and brushed off the dust. "Okay, Ex-cutioners! Attack!"

Nadia blinked. "Ex-cutioners?"

"That's our name," explained Ran. "It's a pun. See, I'm Lum's ex-best friend, Rei's her ex-fiance, Mad Dog's Kagome's ex-boyfriend…"

"He WAS NEVER MY BOYFRIEND!" shouted Kagome.

"Darn it, Kagome, did my orthopedic shoes mean nothing to you?" cried Hojo plaintively. "Nothing?"

"Uh, yeah, pretty much," said Kagome awkwardly.

Mad Dog sighed. "Well, that tears it, Kagome. I'm going to have to rip your body into shreds with my claws. You have my deepest apologies."

There was silence for a moment. "You know, there's one thing I like about this business," said Hikaru. "It affords me plentiful opportunities to meet individuals crazier than myself." He sighed. "Of course, while that works wonders on my self-esteem, the fact that I'm meeting them without any restraints is a minus…" He glanced at Ran. "How do Captain Crutch and his cronies fit your little motif, may I ask?"

Ran shrugged. "Ehh, they have some vague connection to the Sub-Mariner. Besides that, I really don't know. Didn't seem too important." She glanced at her associates. "Now—REALLY ATTACK THEM! RIGHT NOW!"

Hojo snarled as charged forward. "You don't have to ask me twice!"

"Actually, Mad Dog, she sorta did," noted the Eel.

"Please don't contradict me, Eel," said Hojo. "It's so rude…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome. "You could do somethin'…"

"No arrows," she muttered.

Miroku leapt in front of them. "I'll hold them off!" he announced.

"You!" laughed Tiger Shark. "You're a joke!" She rushed forward to strike him. Miroku deftly sidestepped her, and then struck her on the back with his staff.

"Maybe," said Miroku, "but right now, I'm the one who feels like laughing." He pivoted on his feet, and struck Mad Dog in the chest. A buzzing noise began behind him. Miroku turned.

"Very good, Devil-Slayer," announced the Eel, "but even you are no match for the might of—the Electric Eel!" Suddenly, a deluge of water poured down him. The Eel gave a sudden scream as his suit shorted out, then collapsed to the ground.

Miroku turned to look at Hikaru. "Thank you."

Hikaru nodded. "Don't mention it."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome. "Go get yer stuff. I'll cover ya." Kagome nodded and darted away.

"Hey! Wait!" cried Hojo. "I'm supposed to be killing you right now!"

Inu-Yasha leapt into his path, and punched him in the jaw. "Yer not killin' anybody right now, ya cheap wannabe!"

Hojo rubbed his mouth. "You shouldn't have done that. I'm going to have make your death even more unpleasant than I had originally planned."

Inu-Yasha smiled grimly. "Bring it on."

* * *

Nadia rushed forward, closing in on her adversary. "All right, Captain, I want answers, and don't think I'll fall the same trick twice." She grabbed Captain Omen's cane, yanking it out of the old man's hands. 

The staff began to glow a bright red. Nadia screamed and dropped it, then fell back, wincing. Captain Omen smiled, as he picked up his cane. "Well, then, I'm glad I have so many tricks…" He stood up arrogantly. "Listen, Lady Nadia—I know the truth. I know that the past has been shut to you—that your mind catches only faint glimpses of what you were before you became a nervous wreck wandering the streets of Tokyo." He smiled. "I know how it happened to you. And if you want to learn the truth—then you must come with me."

Nadia glared at him. "Then why the attack? Why side with my enemies?"

"The only way to get close to you," answered Captain Omen. "You've surrounded yourself with some rather dangerous people, Princess." He reached forward. "Now if you want answers, simply take my hand."

Nadia scowled as she did just that. "The blazes take you," she muttered softly.

Captain Omen nodded, his expression satisfied. "Atragon—teleportation sequence Rho-Alpha-Gamma." Nadia blinked in shock as light engulfed them and they dissolved into a shower of sparks.

"Damn," said Hikaru. "Did you see that?"

Miroku shook his head, as he jumped kick Tiger Shark in the face. "Sorry. I was preoccupied."

"Nadia just got kidnapped," he explained.

"Less talking about things that aren't me…" groaned Lum, quietly.

"Prepare to die, Lum!" shouted Ran, launching a sizzling line of black energy at her enemies.

Hikaru chanted a mystical barrier into existence, then glanced at Lum. "I'll give her this much—what she lacks in innovation, she makes up for in persistence."

"Oh, screw this!" muttered Tiger Shark. "Atragon—teleportation sequence Kappa-Delta-Alpha!" Within seconds she had vanished like her father before her.

"Well—that was interesting," noted Miroku, puzzled.

* * *

Inu-Yasha had to admit, he was in trouble here. While he was still in human form (a fact that disturbed him more than he let on), he was still counting 

Unfortunately, while Hojo was a polite, fastidious individual who seemed to be badly out of place as a supervillain, when the fighting began—well, you saw another side to him.

"You know, I have to be honest with you," explained Hojo, as he kicked the half-demon in the stomach. "I blame you for my present condition." He lashed out with his claws. "I mean, if Kagome had never fallen under your pernicious influence, I would have gotten her, and we'd all be a lot more happy!"

Inu-Yasha wiped the blood off the side of his face. "Ya know, I kinda doubt that."

"You would!" yelled Hojo. "Your jealous mind can't conceive I've finally beaten you! I have become your better! You are nothing before me!" He grabbed Inu-Yasha by the lapels and threw him into a tree. "And I will DESTROY YOU!" Inu-Yasha shuddered lightly on the ground. Hojo coughed awkwardly. "Umm, sorry about that. Got a bit carried away. Didn't mean to insult you like that. I'm sure you're a perfectly excellent individual—I'm just a tad better is all. I just wanted to right the scales before I killed you in the most horrible manner I can imagine…" He blinked. "Umm, why is your hair white all of the sudden?"

Inu-Yasha turned, his fangs gleaming. "Because yer about to get yer ass kicked."

Hojo laughed. "Oh, I doubt that, Inu-Yasha. This is the struggle I was hoping for. An epic battle of dog-man-hybrid versus dog-man-hybri—OWWW!" Hojo glanced over at the arrow imbedded in his arm, then at Kagome, now holding her bow and arrow. "Kagome—you—I know you—prefer him—but—I thought you at least—" The arrow dissolved into a misty substance. Hojo blinked then passed out.

Inu-Yasha glanced at her. There was silence for a moment. "You know," he said at length, "I coulda taken him."

Kagome sighed. "There is just no pleasing you is there?"

* * *

"You really shouldn't have left so soon, dear—you know how much energy teleports eat up…" 

"I—ow—didn't have much choice, Dad. He was kicking my ass. I thought you said he was a third wheel!"

"I'm not always right, dear. Just usually. Well, anyway, to the good—we got the target. That's a fee collected."

Nadia glanced at Captain Omen and the battered Tiger Shark, who were fiddling with the various settings of their high-tech submarine's command center. "Let's see—referring to me as if I were an object, not a person—mentioning a fee—and, oh, yes, attaching me to the wall with restraints." She looked demurely away. "I'm not getting any answers from you, am I?"

"Oh, eventually," answered Captain Omen. "In an indirect fashion. We will be taking you to someone who will provide them."

Nadia frowned. "This 'someone' isn't a particularly good person, is he?"

" 'Good' and 'evil' are such loaded terms," noted Captain Omen. "So often those who dare greatness are deemed wicked, while those who placidly allow wickedness to wash over them are called good."

"Pretty words," snarled Nadia.

"They should be," said Captain Omen quietly. "You said them." Nadia stared at him in shock. "When I heard those words, I said to myself, 'there's a girl who will go far in this world'," he noted. "And you did. Actually, I'm rather surprised to find you like this—living as a beggar with these cut-rate champions of justice—involved with an ugly, little man, and his ugly, little life…"

"Doctor Strange isn't that ugly," muttered Nadia. "And compared to you, he's a giant." She glanced away bitterly. "Also, we aren't involved."

"Ahhh," said Captain Omen. "You have my sympathies. On more than one level."

"Just shut up," muttered Nadia.

* * *

Ran watched the unfolding battle in horror. "Impossible! My Ex-Cutioners! Defeated! Like a pack of—something or others!" She snapped her fingers. "Damn! I've got to get a better thesaurus. My metaphors need punching up." She glanced back at the heroes. "No! It doesn't end like this!" Ran's eye began to twitch slightly. "Blackout may be down, but she is not defeated! Like the swinging of a pendulum, this battle shall once more turn towards my favor! Hah! An excellent turn of phrase! I'm definitely getting a feel for this!" She turned to Rei. "Flying Tiger! Battle now!" Rei pointed to his mouth. "Afterwards! First, kill Lum! You remember Lum, right?" Rei stared at her uncomprehendingly. Ran sighed, and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a large container of meatballs. "See snacks?" 

Rei nodded dully, his eyes fixed on the meatballs.

Ran pointed at Lum. "Kill Lum! Then get snacks! Understand?"

Rei, with a look of dawning comprehension, nodded, and then began to rush forward.

"Uh oh," muttered Lum, rising to her feet. "Rei's doing something."

"That's bad?" noted Hikaru.

"Well, when he actually can be motivated to fight, he is a powerful, and virtual unstoppable warrior," noted Lum. "He's nearly invulnerable. Which is really good for him, because otherwise, he'd be dead by now."

"So him fighting us is pretty bad?" noted Hikaru.

"Yep."

"Figures."

Kagome and Inu-Yasha rushed forward. "Dr. Strange! Don't worry! We'll help! We'll—"

Suddenly, there was a low growl. As the heroes watched, Kilala, now the size of lion leapt forward, and tackled the charging Oni knocking him backwards. Miroku blinked and snapped his fingers. "I forgot she could to do that…"

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Me too…"

Hikaru coughed. "Kagome—"

"Yeah?"

"You're taking that damned cat out on patrols from now on."

"Okay." She coughed. "Look—Hikaru, if you need to save Nadia, we can take care of Black—"

"No, this is my job," said Lum suddenly. "She's come here to deal with me. I'm giving her that chance." She stood up straight and tall. "It's the Oni thing to do." The others looked at her uneasily, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Why are you guys staring at me like that?" she noted uneasily.

"We're waiting for you to say somethin' stupid," blurted out Kagome.

Lum stared at her, puzzled. "Why would I do that?"

"We really don't know," said Hikaru. "But—good luck, Lum."

"Likewise," said the Oni.

He walked off a ways, then picked up something on the ground, then vanished. Kagome turned to Lum. "Look, Lum, if you need help—"

Lum raised her hand. "Like I said, Kagome. This is my fight. I'll handle it." She leapt forward, and began soaring towards her opponent. "Well, Ran, I admit you caught me off-guard, but now you face the full power of Captain Oni!" She unleashed a series of potent blasts at her sworn enemy.

"Ha!" snorted Ran. "Have you learnt nothing?" She created another black bolt that absorbed several of the blasts. "Your blasts can do nothing to me! No—"

At that moment, one of the blasts, which had been let out at a different angle then the others, struck her. It was followed by several others. Ran winced as she bounced back. "Hey! No fair! You're doing things I didn't expect you to do!"

"That's called 'strategy'!" explained Lum cheerfully. "Well, some people call it that! I call it Lum Oni's Super-Duper-Planning-Thing! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

* * *

"Kraken One is sending us the rendezvous point coordinates, Dad," said Tiger Shark. 

"Excellent," said Captain Omen, siting back in his command chair. "Bring us back to the Atragon-Prime." He breathed a deep, cheerful breath. "I've been away too long this time."

"Why are you doing this?" asked Nadia commandingly.

"For my payment," answered the Captain. "We've covered this."

"But what exactly is your payment?" asked Nadia.

A smile came over the old man's face. "Ahh. A probing mind. You have definitely fulfilled at least some of my hopes for you, Princess." He stood up, and walked over to a monitor. He stared at the image of Tokyo revealed in it, hungrily. "Tell me, Lady Il'Karthon, what do you think of Japan so far?"

"It seemed a nation, like most others of this world," said Nadia. "A land with strengths and weaknesses, good and evil." She frowned. "A rather excessive amount of pay machines, I have to admit."

Captain Omen sighed. "You see my problem then. It is a nation like any other. A land that should tower over all others, supreme Lord of the East, is a parody of its former self. How… loathsome." He shuddered briefly. "There was a time when it was not so. A time when my nation stood poised for true greatness! Korea—Manchuria—the Philippines—they were all ours. China and Southeast Asia would have followed! We would have stood undisputed masters of half the world!"

"And all you'd have to do was coddle up to mass murderers," noted Nadia the disgust rising in her voice. "But then, you were no slouches in that department yourselves, in those days…"

Captain Omen turned on her furious. "You're spouting the lies of your little cloaked friend. How anyone of Japanese blood could spout such slanderous dribble…"

"Father! There's been a disturbance in Sector 12!" shouted Tiger Shark. "Security is down—30!" She blinked. "Wait, no—40… 50… 70… 90…"

Nadia smiled at the captain. "It looks like you're about to get a chance to ask him. I recommend being polite. He tends not to respond to rudeness very well."

Hikaru burst through the metal doors, breathing as if he'd just jogged a marathon. "Ass. Bubblegum. All out of," he shot out, wiping his forehead with his sleeve.

Tiger Shark stared at him. "How did you—?"

Hikaru brought a tooth out of his pocket, and threw it at her. "You dropped this. I came to return it."

Captain Omen nodded. "Very good, Dr. Strange. Even if I disagree with your politics, I have to admire your base cunning." He smiled. "However, I also know how much teleportation takes out of you. And you just tore through Atragon X's primary defense systems. That can't have been easy for you…"

He pulled a lever. Several lasers popped out of the chamber's walls, and centered on Hikaru. "Oh, crap…" muttered the sorcerer as they fired.

Captain Omen grinned as he watched the beams beat against Hikaru's hastily erected force field. "So, I'm asking—how long can you keep my laser's from skewering you?" He chuckled lightly, then blinked in shock at the sudden rending sound.

"The answer is 'long enough'," said Nadia calmly, as she grabbed the lever and tore it loose off the wall. The lasers dimmed, then stopped. Hikaru took a deep breath, then fell to the floor.

Captain Omen stared at his former prisoner, backing away slowly. "But—you couldn't have—those restraints were strong enough to hold you…"

"If you believe that Captain, you simply do not comprehend the might of Sub-Mariner." Nadia smiled at him calmly, her arms crossed. "Also, tell your daughter that I'm fully aware she's behind me, and suggest to her that she avoid her planned 'sneak attack'."

Tiger Shark snarled. "You leave my father alone."

"Oh, I'm only going to beat him within an inch of his life unless he talks," explained Nadia icily. "Nothing too severe."

Tiger Shark let out a low snarl, and leapt at the Sub-Mariner.

Nadia sent her toppling into a particularly intricate-looking bit of machinery with a backhanded slap. "Daughter!" cried Captain Omen, rushing to her side.

"Be happy I pulled my punch," said Nadia. "I see value in even a life as twisted as hers."

Captain Omen scowled at her as he took his fallen child in his arms. "This isn't over, Princess Nadia. The hands of Lemuria are long, and I am only one of them." He struck a button on his coat. "Atragon—Emergency Teleport—Delta—Epsilon—Unicron!" Within seconds father and daughter had vanished.

Nadia walked over to Hikaru, who was still lying on the ground, then coughed. "So—hey…"

"Hey…" said Hikaru weakly. "Sorry I didn't do more…"

Nadia smiled. "You did just what I needed. All the power they put into trying to stop you is what allowed me to break free." She looked away. "Actually, I'm—amazed you followed me here all by yourself, with no real idea what you were facing."

"I couldn't leave you," replied Hikaru with a weak shrug. "You know I have—a great deal of respect for you."

Nadia smiled gently. "Likewise."

"Well, now that my daring rescue attempt has gone off, could you carry me out of here?" asked Hikaru softly. "I think the whole place is going to explode soon, and I still haven't regained feeling in my legs."

Nadia picked up the weakened magician, chuckling to herself. "You sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet, Hikaru."

"Damn straight," muttered the sorcerer. "I just have never managed to work up sufficient leverage."

* * *

The forms of Lum Oni and Blackout clashed, their energy's striking against each other. 

"Die, Captain Oni!" shouted Ran, launching numerous undulating bolts of darkness at her hated foe.

"Never!" cried Lum. " 'Dying' is a word not really in the vocabulary of Captain Oni!" She blinked. "Well, all right it is I suppose, because otherwise I wouldn't have said it—but you know what I mean. It's not a word I have a lot use for. At least as regards me. Other people, though—them I can use it for. And often have. But for me personally—"

"Would you JUST **SHUT** **UP**!" screamed her opponent plunging forward with all of her power. Lum toppled backwards, and landed on the ground with a colossal thud. Ran summoned a blade of pure darkness and leveled it at the Oni's head. "Always, as long as I knew you, it was the talking, and the talking, and the talking! Well, I'm ending it! After this, Lum, you're never going to talk again! Or do much of anything else for that matter!"

"Hey, how come it's okay for you to talk like that?" asked Lum, curious.

"Because I'm about to kill you!" Ran cackled sinisterly. "Now, prepare to die!"

Lum whimpered and looked up at Ran with puppy dog eyes.

"Don't do that!" snapped Ran.

Lum continued to do that.

"Stop it! I mean it!" Ran bit her lip as the memories came…

* * *

"Half-blood! Half-blood! Dirty little half-blood!" cried the Oni children, flinging pebbles at Ran. She hit the ground weeping. Suddenly, there was a flare of light. Ran blinked with the realization that pebbles were no longer striking her. She looked up to see Lum standing before her. 

"Hey, you leave Ran alone!" yelled Lum confidently. "She's my friend, and I won't let her get picked on, even if she is a half-blood!" She glanced at Ran. "Do you need help getting up?"

Ran nodded, and took Lum's hand.

* * *

Ran clutched her stomach, as it growled. "You hungry?" asked Lum. 

"Umm… well…" stammered Ran.

"Servants!" shouted Lum. "More food for my friend Ran!"

* * *

"Here's those cookies I promised!" shouted Lum cheerily. 

Ran lay on the ground, a quivering mass of nerves. "Is—is it over?"

"Yep!" said Lum. "Five days of agony! You must have better stamina than you think!"

Ran blinked. "I thought it was seven days…"

Lum shrugged. "It kinda was. I pulled some strings to get you out early." She smiled at Ran. "Like I said, I'm Grampa's favorite."

"Th-thank you," whimpered Ran.

"Hey, don't mention it," said Lum casually. "Lum Oni sticks by her friends! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

* * *

Ran glanced away, pained. "Damn, those—puppy dog eyes…" 

Lum immediately leapt to her feet, and gave Ran a terrific uppercut to the jaw. As Ran toppled to the side, Lum shook her head, and then looked at Blackout levelly. "Knew that would work. You may be crazy, and vicious and filled with murderous rage, but you're not very devious."

"You—tricked me!" said Ran, full of resentment.

"Umm, yeah. That's what I pretty much just said," noted Lum. She shrugged and charged up a blast of cosmic energy. "Now, I could just kill you just now, but the people I'm staying with have some silly qualm about that sort of behavior, and anyway—you're a friend, so I'll tell you what's going to happen—you're going to leave, and not come back."

Ran stared at her disbelieving. "That's it? That's how you're ending things?"

"Well, Ran, I know you. You're a coward. I've beaten the tar out of you, and now you're going to crawl away like the pathetic worm you are." Lum smiled at her.

"Well—well," stuttered Ran awkwardly. "We'll just see about that! I—I'll be back! And next time—I'll be tougher! And I'll beat you! Just wait and see!" Ran brushed herself off, and slunk away. "Rei! Come here NOW! We're going!" As her partner bounded out of the bushes after her, Kilala snarling after him, Ran glared at Lum. "So just remember—I'll be back. It's like they say—venge—vengeance is a dish best served cold!" She sniffled, and then flew off, with Rei in tow.

Lum blinked, watching her. "Wow. That was actually kinda pathetic, in retrospect."

* * *

"—And I can set up so many protective spells on your place that it will survive anything up to a nuclear attack," explained Hikaru. 

"Nice to know," said Inu-Yasha. The group was meeting back at the Café Nadesico, after Hikaru and Nadia had called them there, after first finding themselves in Tokyo Harbor, and trying to get their bearings.

"And if you're worried about a nuclear attack, I can create a subdimension in your basement. Just to be on the safe side."

"We'll be fine," said Kagome cheerfully. "Honestly, you're worrying too much."

"I just don't like getting blindsided," noted Hikaru levelly.

Nadia smiled. "So that's why we don't get along. I'm always blindsiding you."

Hikaru glanced at her, somewhat amused. "I've learnt to enjoy the unpredictability you bring to my life."

"You battle demons for a living, Hikaru," said Nadia. "Anything additions I make are negligible."

"I think you're confusing our situation with your outfit," replied Hikaru. He glanced at Miroku. "So, tell me this again—how did the Eel get away?"

Miroku coughed awkwardly. "I think he walked. I don't know. I wasn't watching him."

Hikaru nodded. "Which means that the only one of these psychos that we've locked away is Mad Dog."

Kagome nodded grimly. "I hope Hojo doesn't reveal my secret identity to anyone else."

"I wouldn't worry too much," said Nadia. "Somehow I don't think the words of a lunatic who's into illegal genetic modification will carry much weight with most people."

"Plus I put him under a compulsion," noted Hikaru. "Any attempt to tell folks and he winds up singing the score of 'Oklahoma'. I figure that should cut down his life in prison exponentially until he wises up." Lum gave a deep sigh. Hikaru turned to look at her. "What's wrong? You haven't made a single comment on Oni superiority for upwards of two hours, and I suddenly find myself inflicted with a sudden case of 'giving a damn'."

"Oh, sorry, Doc Strange," said Lum. "I guess I'm just a teensy-weensy, iddy-biddy, smallsy-wallsy bit depwessed." She shook her head. "Ran was the best friend I ever had, and now she's a homicidal maniac who passionately seeks my death." She looked glanced at her glass of hot chocolate plaintively. "I just feel a tad—responsible for it, somehow. As if I failed her somehow." She took a deep gulp of her drink then set it down, nervously. "Which is, of course, impossible, because I am Captain Lum Oni, and all I say and do is as a result of this, perfect and correct. I keep telling myself this, the message of all my childhood tutors, and friends. But still—the feeling's there. And it won't go away."

Hikaru looked at the glum Oni awkwardly, then coughed. "Lum—I know I've said things about you're not really being one of us, but—" He glanced away. "You're one of us."

Lum glanced up at him. "Really?" Hikaru nodded. A smile broke out on Lum's face. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! That's great!"

"I'm glad—" began Hikaru.

"I had no idea what sentimental fools you primitive ape-descendents were!" continued Lum blithely. "This'll make my future conquest a snap!"

Hikaru buried his face in his hands. "Well, cheer up," said Nadia surreptitiously. "At least you picked the lesser of two evils."

Hikaru glanced at her direly. "But do we know that for sure? Are we certain?"

Haruna placed the bill on the table. "Here you go. Pay as soon as possible."

"Haruna," said Nadia bluntly, "that was the worst chai I've ever had."

"Pfft—you're exaggerating," said Haruna.

"If I am, it's only because it arguably wasn't chai at all—just tea with a pinch of cinnamon stirred in."

Haruna crossed her arms triumphantly. "Well, honey, you better accept it, because we are once again the only game in this part of town." She chuckled. "That Starbucks is out of business. Health code violations."

"What happened?" asked Kagome, curiously.

"They had rats," replied Haruna casually. "A lot of them. Giant Sumatra rats, actually. Very nasty. The fines were so heavy, the manager decided to just cut his losses."

With the exception of Lum, everyone at the table's glanced at Hikaru. "Imagine that," said Nadia.

"Hey, I'm happy," said the waitress. "Job security. Plus, they got rid of that damn karoake machine."

"What happened to it?" asked Kagome concerned.

"Sold," answered Haruna. "Some guy talked to the manager a few hours ago, and bought the whole thing from him. Gave a good price for it, too." She shrugged as she walked on to the next table. "Why I have no idea, but hey, I don't really have cash to burn…"

There was a long awkward silence as the group stared at Hikaru. Finally, Nadia leaned forward. "I don't believe you," she said in disgusted tones.

"I confess my actions with pride, and let it be known that I would do them again! It had to be done," replied Hikaru stoically. "A line had to be drawn. Some things must be protected!" He crossed his arms.

"Like lousy cafes?" asked Nadia, her voice rising.

"There were principles involved!" shouted Hikaru.

"What principles?" said Nadia angrily. "You put a perfectly good coffee shop out of business, because you got sick of hearing karaoke at a lousy coffee shop!"

"Principles!" declared Hikaru.

"It's nice to see everything get back to normal," said Kagome quietly.

"Agreed," said Lum. "Kagome—encountering Ran has shown me one thing—I must not allow our friendship to be spoiled by a man. I hereby forgive you for your interest in Darling, and give you full permission to futilely try and win him away from me!"

Kagome stared at Lum coldly. "We're not friends, Lum. And you're the deluded one."

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! That's what I like about you, Kagome! You always make me laugh!"

Kagome rolled her eyes. Perhaps things going back to normal was not as ideal a state as she'd felt a few minutes earlier.

* * *

Man-Killer craned her neck awkwardly. "This collar itches like crazy," she said in a sotto voice. 

Machinesmith looked at her placidly. "That's too bad." She turned away from her teammate. "Now, don't scratch at it. It's the only thing keeping you alive now." She frowned slightly. "That heightened metabolism of yours was killing you, you know."

"Well, I didn't feel it," complained Man-Killer. "But I do feel this collar…"

Machinesmith stopped in front of a door, and checked its number before knocking on it. "That harness is the only thing regulating your body's functions at the moment. If it were to be turned off, or damaged, your death would be slow, and painful."

"Umm, really?" asked Man-Killer, looking around the hallway nervously.

"Yes," said Machinesmith, as the door opened.

"—show her! Next time!" muttered Ran fiercely as she opened the door. She glanced behind her at Rei. "And get that out of your mouth!" She looked at her visitors.

"Hello, Miss Blackout," said Machinesmith silkily. "I was wondering if I could interest you in joining a group of like-minded individuals under the direction of a dynamic leader?"

Ran glanced at Rei accusingly. "I told you not to look at the pamphlet." She turned back, and smiled at them. "I'm sorry, but I thought I'd made my wishes clear on this matter—neither Lord Rei or myself are interested in joining the Unification Church…"

"Umm, we're not Moonies," said Man-Killer, confused. "We're the Masters of Evil."

Ran stared at them a moment. "I see." She opened the door. "Well, in that case, come right in. Bound to be an improvement." And with that, the pair entered the hotel room.

* * *

"—And that's how the matter stands, sir," explained Captain Omen. 

"I see," said his employer softly. After a moment's thought, he stated, "In that case, it would be best to keep your distance for the time being. If we are too forceful, we risk alienating the Princess—and that we can ill afford. Let her be. Eventually, she will come to us. She will _have_ to…"

Captain Omen nodded. "As you say, sir." He coughed hopefully. "And our bargain?"

His employer laughed. "Relax, Jinguyo. You will live to see an Imperial Japan once again. The Neo-Atlantean Regime-in-Exile will make sure of it."

Captain Omen bowed. "Thank you, Lord Krang. You are a man of honor."

Krang's image frowned. "Don't insult me, Jinguyo. I'm an _Atlantean_, not a man."

* * *

"Okay, up—up…" muttered Kagome as she and Lum pushed Inu-Yasha into bed. She wiped her forehead. The half-demon had dozed off in the café, and had to be carried home. "Boy, he's been sleeping a lot," she noted in concern. 

"But he's so cute like this," cooed Lum. "A drooling, snoring hunk of pure machismo."

Kagome blinked. "Umm—sure…" She shook her head. "I do wish we knew what he was dreaming about."

"Probably chasing mice," said Lum.

"That'd be a cat, Lum," muttered Kagome peevishly.

"Ehh, the point still stands—something he likes."

"So, honey, how'd you sleep last night," said Kikyo, as she set the food before him.

"Pretty good," said Inu-Yasha. " 'Cept I had those dreams again."

"What were they about?" asked Kikyo, interested.

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Ehh, it doesn't matter. Truth is, they don't make any sense."

Kikyo chuckled. "My poor, befuddled husband," she said, kissing him on the forehead. She headed to the window. "Sango! Korata! Breakfast!"

As their children headed in, Inu-Yasha smiled at his wife. "I love ya, Kikyo."

Kikyo smiled back at him. "I love you too, dear. And please—call me 'sugar dumpling'."

* * *

-Next Chapter- 

KIKYO: "I dreamed you paid your dues in Canada—left me to come through—I headed there right away—I knew exactly what to do—I dreamed we were playing cards in the dark, and you lost, and you lied—wasn't very hard to do, but it hurt me deep down inside… Mmmm, these dreams of you, so real and so true—these dreams of you—so real and so true…"

NADIA: Next chapter, "These Dreams of You".

HIKARU: Well, we actually got it done with some dignity this time.

MIROKU: Darn it. And I ordered a gross of banana custard pies…

* * *

-Author Notes- 

My apologies for what's been the longest delay between chapters SO FAR. (Yes, I may top myself eventually.) I didn't expect it to take so long, but my rough draft had to be extensively rewritten, and that took some time—also my ability to get to computers was limited. So that's how a chapter I'm not overly proud of—though I'm not hideously disappointed in it either, wound up taking… SIX MONTHS? ARRRGH! cough, cough Well, got that out of my system. Once again—I don't expect to take so long next time, but I didn't expect to take so long this time.

Standard disclaimer—these characters have been invented by a lot of other people, and I don't own any of them, and please don't sue, creators and owners. I'm very, very poor.


End file.
